Exactly.... Last night I knew I blew it up.. That without a doubt, I had at least one 10... Uh... Not even close. Now, don't get me wrong.... I don't get pissy about the judges' scores... I know it's not about me, or my poetry, it's a simple bar game... I did what I was suppose to do.. Silence the crowd and get their attention, so that they are able to at least be willing to listen, which they did... I even got nods of approval.... But, as it goes, the one who seemed to enjoy you the most was the biggest critic.. Not like I really cares, but.... It was Rachel McKibbons.. And if I could have earned at least a nine I would have been cool (for the rest of my life. I would tell the story, 'well you know Rachel McKibbons once gave a me a nine in a slam.' hahahahaha.) Instead, an 8.5. Uh.... In the moment I was totally disappointed.. It lasted a good two minutes, then I was past it and was wishing the team would have done better (3rd of three teams!). The slam game is a tough one, got to be able to make the calls at the drop of a dime and have REALLY deep pockets (memorization of at least 5 pieces). I liken it to chess... You gotta have at least one move in advance, see the entire board and game well before it's played... Neo has entered the realm of slam...I am ecstatic, yet I wonder if we are really ready.. My apprehension.... It requires hella commitment, and often, we as a group haven't been able to commit. The teams that we've assembled that have done well worked their asses off (practicing three - four times per week). The last two I've been a part of are, well, have been, not as focused.. To include me... I could have made suggestions about practice, but life happens when, well, when you're living.... So know, as we begin this quest I question if I am willing, if I have the right attitude, I am so fcking competitive and last night was a hard pill to swallow.... Matter of fact, it's still stuck in my throat... There is so much to slam, and unlike an open mic, you have to get USED TO PERFORMING UNDER 3 MINUTES, OUTSIDE YOUR VENUE, WRITING UNDER PRESSURE, MEMORIZATION, WORKING WITH OTHERS, shyt... Need I stress my self anymore? Probably not....

Movin' on Up...

From here.. Things go no where but UP... I used to believe that I enjoyed moving.. A new beginning, a means of starting over... I never accumulated a lot of things, lived similar to a man, not a lot of clutter, not a lot of clothes/shoes. Buy quality so you can never afford to collect shit for the sake of collecting... My motto: if I didn't wear it or use it in a year, and it had little if any sentimental value it could be given or thrown away easily... I guess that changes after you buy a home. I have so much little shit... I have walked over to my future old neighbors' home at least five times this morning with things for their church garage sale. And I still have more things to give... Joe and Kim2 helped on Thursday.. We talked mostly, with little if any real packing.. Which was cool. I only wanted the company.... While I am excited about one chapter of my life closing and another one opening up... It is still a bit painful to walk away from the place I called once called home... Conflicting, because I am ohh so ready to start a new chapter in my life...

Every place I lived since I was 11 years old contained or added up to the number 11. It is also my favorite number... Growing up my address was 111, old address 4007 = 11, new address 1703 = 11, another address, with apt. 722 = 11 and apt. 1110. I could go on but why.. Right?

My back started hurting a few days ago. I know why... I'm becoming a bit lazy... Not in the obesely morbid way, just, you know, I'd rather nap, watch TV, read a book, watch the clock, as opposed to pack or move anything... I've never been one to shy away from work. Matter of fact, often I looked for things to do... I think subconsciously, I am becoming one of those people.... I want to settle down, make a home with some one who loves me as I love them, grow old together, plant flowers and trees, celebrate holidays and create traditions of our very own, you know that happily ever after.. So as I pack and throw things away, I am throwing away all the things that prevented me from being successful in relationships in the past. I want to box, and take with me those things that have allowed me to love freely and tenderly.. Hoping this occasion will be the one that will foster that side of me and allow it to grow....

So as I drove away from my old house with things that needed to be sorted and boxed, I thought about the short distance to my new home... Funny, the home we are to build together, just like the two of us.. Were always in short proximity of one another.. We just had to wait until it was ready.... And it was in due time...

A New Piece... Snippet..

Okay.. I DID create a blog in which to post all my poetry.. But, it's hard keeping up with one, let alone two.... So I am going to erase it later during the day.... The idea is kind of distressing, but it must be done, because I'm tired of cutting and pasting blogs from my desk top.. I don't care to post my entire piece... outta fear.. notlikei'mahellawriteroranything, just you know.... In case someone does like it.... They gotta either finish it or write a beginning...

We resolve to evolve to the minimalist nature of our character.
We crawled to walk to wait in line for
the opportunity to stand for something;
when we didn't see it,
we sat on our asses and looked for anything.
Anything soon became nothing,
leaving our pockets filled with lint, our minds empty.
We're so far behind we actually believe we're the first coming,
the inception, the beginning,
On CP time, we think we're
trend setters, something to be mimicked.
We are blinded by the utterance of the masses standing before us.
What was once a rumble, is now a mumble.
Cataracts and glaucoma destroyed our hearing.
Information received fell upon deaf eyes.
Hindsight, not 20/20 but 50/50.
A crap shoot.
We fall down, we knock down, we stay down
despite the foresight and vision
having stood on the shoulders of the millions that came before us.
But we wore sunglasses, and were too cool..
Too cool to see that our future had blinders, restrictions..
To cool to acknowledge our fear.
And as our steamy hot piss slips
down the tribal spooks backs
and onto their graves,
We tell ourselves it's sprinkling..
We tell ourselves it's raining
Though the only clouds we see are those which hang on the balance
of despair and confusion.
And the bull shit, like hail
continues to fall.
We stand in the thick of it all
in black face and dance like in a minstrel show.
Our heads heavy with shame.
We picked like cotton in southern summer heat on slave plantation
Niggardly..
Doggedly used by others
For wealth and gain
Hip hop culture new cotton
Names have changed, game's the same
Jive, Def Jam, So So Def
under ownership by Sony, Universal, BMG
Replace Jackson, Jefferson, and Washington.
you don't know his cheating rules,
you can't win...
gotcha working corporate plantations,
selling your people out,
despising the black in you
like that house nigga,
you believe his wealth is yours to share
You shuck and jive
new millennium Amos and Andy
grilled gold and diamond encrusted teeth,

replace black grease,
that watermelon chicken eating grin ever present

you put your money where your mouth is
despite the presence of false pretense and security...
hands filled with potential and promise
yet you remain empty

unable to fullfill.......

thir13teen/kdtaylor 2006
Section 8 Coffee publications
all rights reserved.....

bashfully embarrassed...

I am a fan of writers.... There are some incredible writers in my circle.... Often, I work at not putting their names in print or say their names outloud... Mostly, I discuss those whom I don't share a hellalotofspacewith, as not to hurt feelings or create friction with those in my inner circle.. I absolutely love Christopher Lee and his work. He is my overall favorite... I believe that some, including him, underestimate his talent at times, because, tragically, my man can get in his own way.. However, I believe that to be a part of the allure and beauty of his artistry... Mo, without a doubt (EVERYONE KNOWS HOW I FEEL ABOUT MO BEAZY!).. Writes life in volumes, her voice brings it alive, I have felt the spirit of her poetry... I heard Rachel McKibbons in person during Nats, and developed a newer, higher level of respect for her work, I thought she was good when I saw her on Def Poets (but you guys know how they water that shyt down to make everyone the same..), in person she is a fcking oximoron.. she is sensitive, passionate and brilliant as she is crass and in your face. Shane (Vancouver), Andrea (Denver), Ommm Christa Bell (Seattle) and Annis (co-Indy Champ, though I have to admit, after I saw him again, my feelings weren't as intense). There are MANY more, but I believe these people to be the ULTIMATE writers... Like they could write anyfuckingthing. I mean, flushed toilet paper would have feminine strength and power - {Christa}, a struggle against one's demons - {Chris Lee}, a hella character study - {Mo Browne}, courageously attitudinal {Rachel}, dignified spiritual presence {Annis}, passionately underestimated {Andrea} and a romantic archetype you've never noticed, until (s)he spoke - {Shane}. I say all this to say nothing and everything....

Last night, a writer, poet, friend (not necessarily on that order) approached me and discussed writing. My writing in particular. I was totally uncomfortable. I could not for the life of me JUST accept the compliment. An ex homeboy of mine used to refer to that behavior as false humility.. In his opinion, the poet was playing up their discomfort with compliments in order to milk the moment. I wasn't sure if I agreed with it then, now I am convinced I don't agree... I've watched poets and with some, it's very hard. It's difficult (for me, I can't speak for others) to accept compliments for writing about my feelings, or thoughts. I believe everyone has thoughts, feelings, opinions and means of expressing them. Mine stem from many unsettling emotions that I can experience in a single setting... Similar to sitting down for a meal, 'cept I am eating my emotions. Most of it comes from trying to save myself for one moment.. Save myself from a negative thought, or impulse. So what most get is anger, or are met with extreme boundaries.. It's difficult to explain. Well no, it's not, I don't have a true comfort level with exposing that much of myself.. There is someone I write for... She needs to be heard. She is innocent, brilliant, beautiful (but doesn't know it), confused, lacks confidence, extremely sensitive, wants so very much to please everyone, including herself, is living with loss, and dying to live, just a little each day...... I pray I do her voice - justice 'cuz it's always been just us.. So offer a sincere apology to you and anyone else whom I've shunned when offered a hint of a compliment. I apologize for not accepting it, she really appreciates it.... I just don't have the words to convey it....

Okay Cousin... Let's Really Show How White I Am

DISCLAIMER: I am not a true head...
Top !0 H!p H*P Albums
TuPac - All Eyez On Me
Public Enemy - Take A Nation of Million To Hold Us Back (still have the cassette)
Ice Cube - Amerikka's Most Wanted (in my car right now!)
Wu Tang Clan - Enter the Wu (36 Chambers)
Dr. Dre - The Chronic
Outcast - Aquemini
Kwame - A Day In The Life: A Polkadelick Adventure/The Roots - Things Fall Apart
Pete Rock and CL Smooth - Mecca and The Soul Brother
A Tribe Called Quest - Midnight Marauders
Jay Z - MTV Unplugged

Top 5
TuPac
Jay Z
Nas (even though I didn't name him in the top 10, he can flow.)
Ice Cube (cause he's angry BABEE.)
MC Lyte.... (Love her voice.)

Top 5 Groups
The Roots
Outcast
Heavy D and the Boyz
Wu Tang
Jr. Mafia (I almost never include BIGGIE in my lists... I like him, but I stay down with Pac!)

On days when I feel densely dark. I am reminded that I have potential and that I can get by.. On days when I am rough and gruff, believing that there is nothing and no one, worth a smile or my time... I am reminded that now that I have you I can never truly be alone... I guess you have come to know, what I am unable to see, recognize or convince myself daily ... I am no longer the person I was, before I met you.. I thank you.... I thank you for saying yes to me every morning thru prayers, words and gestures.. I thank you for letting me know that we can share each other's last names or make on up of our own if we so desire.. But I love being a seamstress to your foundation. You are my brick and mortar, I, your needle and thread... ... I thank you for agreeing to make a home with me. I thank you for loving me... I thank you for seeing... Even though a couple hundred miles separate us this night, and the only thing we share are armless, faceless hug thru telephone wires and a rerun of CSI... Thanks for knowing, and showing that I can be valuable to someone.. Thanks allowing me to be your diamond in the rough... I love you...

It was hot!!!! No, it really was. I think I sweat at least a couple inches off my waist and back.. The area I generally refer to as bra fat... HA! I had a great time.. We taunted the Lancaster team most of the afternoon... LB Wilson put it down.. There were some record breakers and heartbreakers..... All in all a pretty fine weekend. I didn't go to VYP (Vince Young All-Sta Party) on Friday, as the heat had beat me down.. And also, I'm learning, AGAIN, that it's really not my thing. Aside from that I've chilled with the infamous Cut Creator, seen and heard Kid Capri before, I'm not a UT fan, even though I've heard Vince Young is a sweetheart, and I really don't care for Ray J... Not like I know him personally, but, I don't care for his music or his "persona", I mean HOW HARD CAN MOESHA'S (Brandi's) LITTLE BROTHER BE? He ain't gone kick too many asses. Always trying to mean mug somebody, hunnnn. Anhh, and his body reminds me of my 15 year old nephew (euwww) Actually, my nephew is bigger... But I did, after some fantastic races, and went down to the Urban Music Festival After-Party, after I attended a friend of mine's private party. Chris Rock was right with his undercover conservative ass... And my black ass is as white as his and tiger woods.. I kid you not. I was looking out of the glass windows at the nonsense that was occurring..... Within one half hour there had been at least four - five fights.... People were firing up joints in front of the police thinking "I'm not gone get arrested." and they were immediately hancuffed. People wouldn't clear the area. Outright harassment of others. Now.. I could jump on the APD ain't shyt train.. IT WASN'T THE APD I WAS AFRAID OF, IT WAS THE FCKING NI'CAHS... The bottom line was these were not Austinites on the street, or maybe there were and they "forgot" about Mardi Gras, when the APD commenced to whupping a bunch of nondescript asses. Better yet, the previous SXSW when they put the beat down on a band for taking the music to the street and violating the noise ordinance? There are some bad cops... This I know.. But guess what, the bad mofos needed to be on the street this weekend. Even at the "EVENT" you know the actual relay? They (You know the ones) refused to move, and continued loitering under the stands. Believe it or not there are a bunch of races going on up stairs? That's why they CAME... WHY DID YOU COME? I refer to it as the ghetto fashion show.... Don't know shty about track, just want to be seen.... You know, and don't get me wrong... I love the black social season, it occurs once a year... But I don't love the nonsense, and some of it was just bullshit, and it's not just the "people of color" it's everybody. So, the mounted officers made me feel a bit safer. The police standing in circles in the middle of the street made me feel a little safer... And yes, at 3:00 am when my in-lawed family and I made our way to our cars with cash and equipment, I was happy that the police were just outside the door and that they were a block away from our vehicles after me made the drop off... Was it unnecessary? For me, a resounding no.... I even told the cops, after unsuccessfully getting the crowd to move for over an hour and a half... "If you tear gas them and shoot rubber bullets I will support you wholeheartedly. Matter of fact, be on television co-signing your actions." Because they needed to clear folks' asses from the streets. Often, we don't know how to have a good time, and know our limitations, when enough is enough... See, it's like the well known closing statement, "you ain't got to go home, just get the hell outta here..."

Brad's sister can kick your ass....

4 x 200 meter relay

"B.. You know those girls are going to beat some boys' team time. You know that don't you?"

"Thir13teen.. That can't happen. I mean.. Naw, that can't happen."

twenty minutes later..

"Thir13teen. Man you called it. Whoa... Those girls were running. Damn. I'd go home. They beat three of their times..."

couple of hours later...

4 x 400 meter relay

"B. You know those girls are going to beat some boy's team times.. You know that don't you."

"Naw, Thir13teen, it can't be done.. There is no way.. I mean a guy would have to run like, oh my GOD, a 55.. 56, Even if they all ran low 50's one guy is good for at least a 45.. 46.."

"A'ight, B. I'm telling you, they're going to beat at least one.

"Can't happen."

twenty five minutes later...

"ohh... Man, Thir13teen, I know... I know.. DAMN.."

"Now, when the coach says 'I know some girls that can beat you. Or worse, ____ 's little sister can beat you. Guess what? He's not lying."

"I'd cry."
"I wouldn't show up... Thir13teen, Thir13teen.. Look.. They just got two."
"DAMN..."

I love track.......... Ohh, if you didn't know.. Long Beach Wilson were the girls who beat those boys' times, and we're not going to say how many College women's teams they took out....

Tis the SEASON....

Last year I called in sick... it was cloudy and cool, rumored to rain... so, not wanting to use vacation.. I used a sick day... I came back CRISPY. I mean sunburned, with a huge heat rash on my left arm, skin peeling from my forehead... My boss, "That case of relays must've been pretty bad." I was busted, my secret out! I call it the black social season....Texas Relay Weekend... It is the only time, that MOSTLY people of color from all over meet in Austin, Texas. It is a wonderful weekend. People whom you forged relationships in the blistering heat, biting winds, and stinging rain will meet in the same place year after year... Ours at the finish line... Take the stairs by the snow cone stand... Turn, 6 to 10 rows up, on the right.... Whatever the weather, one thing is certain.... We will be there... there will be some damn good parties, and even better foot races.. Or in some cases lightening fast races..... The picture is that of a track dynasty. (Long Beach Wilson High School, google them, it's friggin scary, oh my gosh the records) . Now I love my beloved great state of Texas, even more, Texas track and field... But not since Converse Judson, (in my heyday) has there been a group of women that dominate all around... I know Lancaster has been doing the damn thing, but.... These ladies (Wilson) will dominate...... And I mean dominate... I will wear their t-shirt on Saturday, the day of finals... cuz I want to run with the big dogs... The winners. I will listen to my best male friend B and his brothers (by blood and bond) rattle off stats, telling everyone who to watch. We will stand on our feet as they round the track, ohhing and awing, we will heckle UT fans, go in the garage and play dominoes at the break, heckle even more UT fans and anyone who goes against our predictions, drink entirely too much lemonade, eat even more over priced junk food, and gnaw on those strawberry chills, which make you even thirstier... It will all be good, cuz we're enjoying every minute of it, secretly reliving our glory days when we were state ranked track stars, currently living vicariously thru the those that rush past our onlooking strides. Promising next year to return looking as if we can run a decent mile......

Last night we had a chance to fine A lee watch Brokeback Mountain... We had an opportunity to see Crash in the movie theater (my preferred method.. hint hint)..... Okay ONE - It was ALRIGHT.... TWO - Hell to the naw.... Crash. Without a doubt was a better flick. In Brokeback, I would have liked to see more dimension in character development... While I strongly identified... I found myself making a lot of assumptions. Something I was not totally comfortable with. I am unsure if this was a break-thru flick, also. The story has been told before.. Initially, I believed that it didn't win because as a society we can accept Denzel being a "thug" (and I thought Tupac's Bishop in retrospect was hella better), Halle getting down with Billy Bob, even knowing, regardless of race, creed, religion, orientation, if you don't have greenbacks, the duckets, cheddar, bread... it's hard out here for a ______. But we could not allow a "gay" movie to win Best Picture. The bottom line, Brokeback was not necessarily a "gay movie". And two it REALLY wasn't the BEST of those nominated. I will watch both again on the same night in a couple of weeks to challenge my thinking... That's my two cents... I have them both as part of the collection, so if you want to borrow one, hit me up. I was reading Angel's blog and I'm thinking I'm very quirky/strange. Langston used to say it all the time, ELM believes quirky is an understatement. I'm beginning to think it's not just the seven I've mentioned. I also have this thing with sheets and covers. I cannot for the life of me sleep without covers... It doesn't matter how hot or uncomfortable the covers may seem.. If it's too hot I will adjust the room temperature to accommodate the covers... I mean, I could be sweating my ass off and if you pull the covers off, I will wake up immediately and pull them back up. Funny thing is, when I do get hot, I will "allow" one leg to stick out of the cover.. Like B-Wine, I'm starting to crack myself up.. I mean, really how cool can you get with one foot from under the cover? And ohh, the horrors... Please don't allow a blanket to touch me without a sheet as a buffer... It freaks me out! TMI... Speaking of TMI.. I think I saw a transgendered person today. Okay. I know it's freaky.. (I know two future University of Texas PHds = free therapy. And I have got to talk to them about this) They had courses surrounding GLBT persons and issues. I think he's a female to male... He called out my order at Dan's, and I looked up and noticed that something really didn't match... I mean I'm not the "OUT" police... I know people who try to guess people's sexuality all the fcking time. Like everywhere we go, "you know he's gay. She's a dyke. You know that's a man right?" It's really annoying. I don't care who you do.. As long as you're not trying to do me.. HAHAHAHAHA... If I were single it might be different... (not!) .... NO NO NO NO disclaimer... I don't do artists, (to include singers, painters, actors, poets, writers, wannabepoets, wannabewriters, hell if you blog or respond to blogs hahahaha.... And man, I know one, I mean, some, beautiful and handsome poets) anyone under 30 (I ain't got time to raise you, no matter how old you think you are.. And if you're think you're old enough, mature enough, nic'ah, you've had way too many experiences for me, except for the artists who lie about their age.. And I don't do artists), no one with "gigs" (nic'ah get a REAL job with fcking retirement.. Unless of course you're an artist, which I don't do), on parole, probation, deferred adjudication (nic'ah you gone be on parole or probation SOON), awaiting trial (again you gone be on parole or probation SOON), uses the line ... "I'm taking the semester off" and you been outta school for over a year, no one with newborns, infants or toddlers (I STAND BY THIS RULE.. sorry, it's all too fcking brand new for me. you + your ex + the child = DRAMA), not financially or mentally stable (I can't pay and think for the both of us), have not maintained your own place of residence for at least six months (If you can't look out for yourself, who can you look out for?), height and weight proportionate, but I will make exceptions for certain body parts, uses your ex's name in one or two sentences within the first month of meeting.. (HAHAHAHA) okay, okay, TMI.. I digress. But it was funny huh? Okay... What does your list look like? I mean, I'm not too picky.. I managed to find someone who's a pretty damn good match, plus has a few of the things I love most... BROWN EYES to start... Okay... Wasn't I talking about the transgendered person? I'm want to go back to see, but I think that's too strange... Dang.. I lost my thoughts... Poetry tonight.. All about the youth. I am too excited... Even more about the group piece a few of us are going too.

okay.. i'm a little nutty

sarah... let's just say this is number 7.....okay.... last night i was watching television.... and i ran across a show called transgenders.... a show basically about people who are, well, making the transition from male to female, female to male.... i know i am going to sound absolutely stupid, and perhaps insensitive, i apologize in advance.... but, i for the life of me cannot understand this... i've had a few friends tell me that they believed they were in the wrong body because they didn't understand their same sex in love feelings as they were growing up.. but each, for the most part, recognized that they were gay and lesbian as they aged, matured, and experimented with their sexuality.... i love my breasts... and i can appreciate other breasts... not sexually, but you know... in my family we have great boobs... it is a calling card... if i ever wear anything remotely revealing, you'd understand.... my uncle used to rub his head in my great aunts as a way of greeting her.... and, horror.. one of the most memorable moments at my grand's funeral was a woman discussing her recollection of my grand teaching her how to keep hers breasts attentive and perky.... i couldn't wait to have breast.. as tomboyish as i was, i stuffed toilet paper and socks down my bras so that i could resemble the women in my family... i digress.. but, we don't even want to discuss the other parts of my body that i absolutely adore.... i love being a woman... i could not imagine giving any of it away, let alone altering myself to become a man... no matter who i have loved or have loved me... i once had a huge thing for a drag queen when i was a freshman in undergrad... not like i wanted to date him, i just thought he was beautiful... i give him money all night.. he used to say, "baby, do you know I'm a man?" i'd smile, shake my head and proceed to tip him anyway... we became good friends.. even referred to him as my cousin.. his name was chico.... i guess... i can understand a man wanting to become a woman.. but for all the penis envy in the world, i would not go thru the process of losing my precious "v" in exchange for a "d".... i mean, i loved my coochie well before i heard christa's coochie magic voodoo, and i knew how to use it pretty good, but now.... if you're feeling the urge to buy me drinks tomorrow night it's because i'm thinking about my coochie right now... hahahahahahaha anyway... so last night when i ran across the show i was fascinated to say the least... i remember a few years back when "butch mystique" was on showtime, langston called me, hysterical, he'd ran across this show, and all these beautiful, black, college cut, bald headed, hard bodied men, were....... well, women.... it weirded me out for a second.... i mean as i go to clubs and the like.... i see women act like men, emulate their behavior in an effort to play a role, and now, i wonder, do some of these women think they are men trapped in women's bodies.... i even saw a show where the man believed he was a woman, and wound up being with a woman... and how about the show when the woman wanted to be with a man, wound up with a man.... even a documentary called southern comfort, where the female to male transgendered person died of ovarian cancer, and couldn't be treated... well no doctor wanted to treat him.... are these people really gay, and ae afraid to accept their homosexuality? or are they really trapped.... i mean kit said it best, "because i feel white inside, does that make it okay for me to do a micheal jackson?" well, she didn't say it that way... maybe i should have put this on my six for sarah.... i'll keep researching.. in the interim.. i bought brokeback today, so i'm gonna watch it after american idol..... i say all this to say nothing... i will keep watching the show to let you know what's up... but i think i want to have a transgendered friend, you know? just to talk.... i am so curious now... ohh and sarah... with the boxer shorts and wife beaters... (the boxers are double xx ) so after mowing 1/2 the lawn they start falling down from sweat... by the time I'm watering the lawn, I'm sagging, showing the women's men style briefs... it's hee larious.. to say the least....

Okay... DAMN COUSIN...

1. I become nauseated when eating chicken on a stick in Chinese resteraunts. Secretly, I believe it's rat, cat, or dog... Sorry... But I eat it everytime........

2. I absolutely cannot stand people crushing on me... It makes me totally uncomfortable....

3. Finding hair anywhere, (especially hotels). Oh my gosh, it freaks me out.. makes me itch....

4. I love doing the lawn, planting shrubs and plants.. Especially in the summer... I like to wear wife beaters and boxer shorts, mow and trim my lawn. When I finish I like to drink cold beers, standing in the sprinkler, while sweats beads down my face, back and arms... Admiring my yard.. Very butch, but very relaxing....


5. I love driving.... It's one of my favorite ways to relax.......

6. I hate for people to enter my space and I loathe unwanted touching, especially my hair... I often initiate hugs because I can dictate how long you will be touching me..

transgression for nothing more

i turn to see your eyes... deeply soft brown, reminding me of tomorrows... i love waking up to your smile, arms that stretch for miles, legs thrown cross mine, muffled i love yous, and a last ditch effort to claim everything that's good about our mornings... before a shared prayer for combined and separate happiness, for ourselves, our families, our friends, our goals, our future.... we dig deep into covers, into each other, one last cuddle until it's time to hit the snooze button again..... yes.... i was late again... but it was so worth it.....

Thanks Poet in Law

This was our stage..... it didn't matter if there were one or a million people present. We performed for ourselves and each other. Leaving nothing to the imagination but the words that lingered thickly in the air... painting each picture as if we were verbal picassos or van goughs....
" let's embarrass the universe with our love, 'causing even venus to blush..."
" i spit at 15..."
"driving along america's lies.."
"you can reach me by railway.."
"larva morphs into moths, 'cuz butterflies.."
five amazing poets hitting the street doing what poets do best........ thanks guys.. despite my cooties, it was so very cool......

It sucks... I am at the Hotel Derek in Houston, my home away from home.... For once, ELM and I are in the same city working... So it's suppose to be fun, right? Had plans to go so Goapele again tonight, it was gonna be a surprise.. she's performing with a DJ at a chic club downtown.... But no..... I'm sick, I've got some allergy, asthma, cold, flu, sinus, mucus, feverish, coughy, achey, tingling, sore throatish bug.... I'm drinking lots of water and juice... avoiding dairy products, but it's not working.. and I gotta perform tomorrow night.. BOO....... and yes I made up words to explain how i feel.... they sounded good.... ha

i'm sick and tired.....

Sometimes I wonder if i am wearing an invisible straight jacket. I often walk a fine line of sanity and insanity. Actually, it's by my own design.... I am making self improvements. I am becoming responsible as I am going to have to be more responsible... Sometimes, I believe my new outlook, gives me the idea that I am weak. Vulnerable. There are few things I care about lately. My Spirituality. My ELM. My job. All in that order... I have to have a good relationship with a power greater than myself (no I am not in AA) in order to prepare myself and my heart for another human being.... My ELM (represents my family/village) and the branches represent everything that is good in my life. (The Oak, The Fir and the Mahagony Wood you are included..) I have to stay focused on who and what is best for me in this moment. My job... I have a goal regarding management. I have to stay focused........
In a few weeks the fruit of my labor will pay off. It already has. In focusing on those things that are important, I have been able to accomplish so much in a short period of time. Elimination of people, things, and energy that are not in your best interests has away of doing that. I have a tendency to hold onto things/people that are not good for me. Langston, I know wish I would have listened to you... I attempt to give people the benefit of doubt, believing that despite themselves and their selfish desire they will, in the end, face thier personal truth. Not my truth, but their truth... It is very revealing. In the process, you will let go of your hostages, your blinders, things that prevent you from seeing and accepting life on life's terms. Despite my best efforts to trust, I want to have regrets, but I have none. Without my interference, I learn and move... Some of that wreckage (my house, foes disguised as friends, my ex boyfriend, and poor choices) has come back to haunt, but not hurt me... Thankfully, I am a relatively honest person, so I never have to remember a lie... That has to suck for some... The bullshit is not important and it has no relevance in my life today. Cousin it helped. You reminded me. Despite this "new found me" in the end, I really don't give a fck about what anyone says or thinks about me... I just have a way of thinking about it a little too much and bit too hard... (I always want to know my part) And that's what makes me think that perhaps there is a secret fitting party for that special little jacket.... But in the end, I know the jacket's not reserved for me, just a means of scooping up the bullshit that is thrown my way.....

woa.... song and flow

okay.. Okay.. Okay....
the night was a'ight to say the least.... HA.. I lie.. it was off the friggin chain.. 'cept the essay folk wanted to chill and be bougie and thangs.... soooo
okay... how'd it go down?
first i called lovie with the floetry live soundtrack blaring, screaming as if I were at the concert already, asking her where she was.. needless to say she didn't sound happy as she thought she was missing the show..... laughed and told her to chill. they were on their way.
we got to town 'bout 6:55 pm with room to breathe.... good parking...
caught up with 'chelle and cousin inside... they were chillin with vocab and vocab's sis... looked around, there was trey aka nappy, carlita, deja, her gurl, then tony pops from the corner. man there are mad poets every where in the house... then outta no where double d double d and her little queens popped up....
finally got to our seats.... now my seats were good, but I was jealous of vocab.. front row mind you? long wait... almost a half hour, finally,
goaple hits the stage. to say she is beautiful is an understatement. most pictures don't do her justice.... as soon as i realize they are selling her merchandise, I make a mad dash for my boy langston.... he asked for a t-shirt.... miss a bit of her opening song, trying to make sure he gets his size.... it gets better... she hits the stage and does most new songs... i had the cd already, but I got one for ELM.... an autographed one.. well, I'm ahead of myself.... her set was mad cool. i loved her vibe..... i had been practicing a new piece with one of her songs, battle of the heart (#13). i had hope she would sing it but she didn't.... anyway.. after her set, i walk out to get B's t-shirt and ELM a cd, she autographs both, but not before I get to spit a bit of the piece (not another love poem)... she actually paid attention..
later floetry hit the stage... i was mesmorized.... man, i wish i could get a permanent songstress to go with my pieces, especially since i've been writing most to songs and tunes.... kind of sucks, but.. the life of an artist.... so i call brandy so that she can get a hear... i call b and poet in law, neither were answering, but at least they saw the love... out of know where i hear.. YEA YEA YEA.... and know in that moment, love made it to the joint... Easy-Lee was there as well.. It was mad cool set... wish essay would have been in it, but people were complaining if you got out your seat and stuff.... what topped it off.... i got to talk to all the artist after the show... got everyone's autograph, and a homegurl from essay is suppose to be sending me the picture of me with floetry.... again, if this is an indication of my year, i am going to change my name to seven..... G.O.D. has been good.....
thir13teen......

o! yuppers

tonight is a late anniveray celebration thang.. A late 11th... It's gonna be hella cool. The floacist and the songstress in my home town essay.... . me and the tree. i am on my way out of this beeyaaaaaachhhhhhhh...
see ya later cousin, lovie, butterfly, double d double d.... hate the whole crew's missing out, especially since the erykah badu concert was off the friggin chain... we can begion to plan for anthony hamilton and heather headley if you guys are interested. ohh yes... i am hella excited.... it's getting late... why am i still here? b-wine, jai byrd, fallen angel, and joey.. we will call you guys...... and yes, q.. we are sending them straight to the lou... just make sure floyd's (impackt's) big old head can't be see thru out the whole show if it's taped... we got enough of that from the last one...
holla

ni'cahs and pies.. always

I am not a pie fan. Never have been. Well, I used to like key Lime pie from Marie Callendar's. However, it's seasonal, and somewhere along the line, they changed the recipe, or cut back on the ingredients.. so now, well. I wait until I can get what I want. And I am pretty picky, so... If given an opportunity to chose from the slices to the left, I'd pass on them all... I don't want pie, for pie's sake... Besides, some only else may want it.. Now, me. I like Peach Cobbler. To be specific, my grand's peach cobbler. So, I will pass up a lot of peach cobbler as well. It has to have the right ingredients. Now, I've learned how to cook my own peach cobbler. Kind of like my grand's. I used to watch her, now she wouldn't tell me all her secrets, so I had to guess, and eventually, while I do not profess to be an excellent cook. I can make a hella good cobbler. I know, though, it's not for everyone. I liken opportunities to pies, and cobblers. My grand, sometimes, would use store bought crust. Then, she would do what my aunt called, "putting her foot in it." At the time, I don't know why see opted to use store bought crust instead of making her own. It was never really a time factor, because my grand was a prideful woman. She took as much care and time with the store bought as her own... she valued the results. Just sometimes, as she put it, "it needed to be used." or she "was making theirs a little better." And on those rare occasions she used the store bought kind, she always said she while it wasn't her own crust, she "put in a little extra in there."
Lately, I've been doing some work on a project at work. It was in limbo for nearly five months after a co-worker left the position vacant, thus leaving the duties unassigned. I watched like I watched my grand make cobbler. It seemed as if the crust would sit in the freezer and perish.. I mean, it does have an expiration date. People kept looking in the freezer, moving the crust around, letting it sit on the counter to get spoiled or possibly go bad, putting other mess on top of it, causing it to crumble and crack a bit.. I mean it was frozen... One moring, as the ole folk put it, "my mouth made water and my pressure got up for some cobbler". So I took the crust out of the freezer. Peeles a couple of peaches to add tot he canned ones, bought some butter, cinnamon, sugar, nutmeg (yes, nutmeg, you make your own.. damnit), etc. Heated up the stove and went to talk to my boss about the pie, I mean cobbler, no I really mean opportunity.... and the ingredients (ideas/my mind) I had to add. He not only gave it to me freely, but informed me if I could make the neccesary changes, and implement the qm process effectively, we would talk about being compensated for future use of pie crusts.... So the travel began.... Ni'cahs and pies always around.....
Now the crust sat in the freezer for at least five months. No one had a taste for pie, at least not one made with that crust.... So why the attitudes? I mean especially from the sisters who used to be so cool with me... Hell, I've been gone too much to participate in office gossip...Why, is it that sister's have difficulty with another sister trying to "come up"? Why must we fight, gossip, roll eyes, sabotage. Become competitive? For no other reason, than we can. Now, I have problems with women I must admit. 1) I was reared by a gang of them, and I still have a resentment. 2) My mother died when I was very young, and I still have a resentment. 3) Most women just aren't comfortable in their own skin. For example, unless you are aware of your own strength, you will always feel weak. If you are not aware of your beauty, you cannot truly appreciate another woman's beauty. If you are not in touch with your sensuality and sexuality, you will fell threatened and/or victimized. You get the jest? And I am not singling women, just making my point. The sisters who work in my department are tripping. I get a little attention for some work, and now all hell is breaking loose... Around me.... 'cuz, I can't be bothered. I have a male business mentor.. B-Fran. And I am totally detached, but need a healthy way to express my dismay... So I blog... Now mind you both are on their way out the door. Neither can be bothered with the tasks, the people, the extra work, the travel.... They didn't want the cobbler, they wanted pie..... Baby don't get my cobbler confused with your piece of the American pie..... (Wo)Man this is so fcking frustrating. I value being a woman. I love being a woman. I am aware of the power I poses. I am thinking about my coochie, right fricking now. (thanks elm, mo, and now christa, along with my many poet gurls who hold it down with little if any drama). It hurts that women of color on the work place cannot get along and serve as mentors and sources of support. Mo, who will always be dear, taught me about the crouching tiger/hidden dragon thang (one of our shared favorite movies).. and boy did my life change.... not just my life, but my outlook. an ex used to correct me often when I would refer to women as ladies.... I was told there was a vast difference. But I want to view these women as ladies... I don't want to be some crazed female fighting as if we resided in the bush, we don't have to act uncivilized, we can all get what we want. It's a matter of focus, and the ability to put goals in perspective, have vision..... I will not lose hope, but I be damn if I've given up my bit of cobbler.... if i keep my head to the grind, I could possibly add some ice cream to the top, and really have a treat....

I have to thank my grand... she taught me a lesson, see, I didn't make the crust, I just saw it needed to be used. And I put my foot in it.. And no I'm not taking credit for all the work, I'm letting people know I had to put a little something in it... And while I am expanding on another's work, it doesn't mean that I am not putting everything I know into the task, and creating ways to make it my own... And while my grand has transcended to a very special place where prayerfully she has found eternal peace and rest..... I cannot say I don't long for the smell of HER cobbler, and the buttery taste it left at the roof of my mouth.. But I can also thank her daily as I move thru life accepting opportunities that afford an opportunity to grow, thus making my own cobbler... Even using some one else's crust as a base.... But I will always have my ingredients (mind) and fruit (labor) to make it my own.... And yes, if you ask politely, I will give you a taste, maybe even teach you to make your own.......

Tagged 10 in an (old) Poem

Harlem Brown's Lifetime (I still wait for you)

you held in hand fruit of life. I void of voice, could only watch, wonder, in love stricken awe. as the fullness of
your curious lips parted to savor the flavor of life's passion. the brown in your eyes, now wide, swelled with tears. you discover the pain of knowledge. a western storm brews casting you from east of Eden
ending my dreams and fantasies. I watch the curves of your silhouette adorned in fig leaf flee in the darkness of our future. I, locked behind garden's gate, no longer a paradise, close my eyes, inhale your vision in my very last breath, exhale this lifetime westward, and forge my only memory of you upon my broken soul. sunrise, sunset, moonlight, metamorphosis. shadowed. hidden in thickets along the beach of the Ivory Coast I catch a glimpse of you. the deep brown of your eyes can not be ignored, conjuring hidden passions and forgotten lust within the depth of my bosom. the scorch of sun tattooed homage to mother earth upon your back, as chains and shackles strip and snatch you from my heart's grasp. silence suffocates my screams, my arms reach painfully toward the fleeting shadow of love. I tearfully, pray that we meet again. sunrise, sunset, moonlight,
metamorphosis. months from dust, in the fall of my life, I feel your waning spirit slip thru fingertips. you, a blueprint upon the essence of my core. as we pass, you smile. I taste the nectar of our past lives thru a glimpse in the rise in your cheek. I catch recognition in your eye. you remember that in third life we held forever within the clutch of our fold that our heartbeats beat simultaneous synchronizing to harmonious spirits, our cycle transforms, permeates this lifetime. I close my eyes, sit in silence and become lost in the memory of the brown of yours. I find solace.. stilled, I feel the ground move under my feet. I weep as I hear the first heartbeat of the newborn I am about to become. I will search for you in dreams of our next life together. sunrise, sunset, moonlight, metamorphosis... i shall continue to search for you.....

1. love 2. brown eyes 3. knowledgable 4. dream fantacize (imaginative and creative) 5. soulful (encompasses honesty trustworthiness, etc.) 6. metamorphosis (everchanging and growing) 7. passionate (self explanatory, huh?) 8. praying (shared sense of spirituality) 9. rise in cheek (gotta smile and laugh a lot.) 10. harmonious spirits (we two are one)..... an added bonus solace/stilled (able to be my calm, safe place)

Please HELP....

I have got to have this on a t-shirt....

Oh and have a good weekend....

Turn the Station

I am home..... I don't know how I made it thru last night..... I feel as if I am worlds apart from everything and everyone. It is as if I am viewing their lives from television screens, and mind you it is not in HI Definition, nor are there any flat screens, the sound is muffled, and the static... you get the point right? I am more in tune with American Idol, Real World Road Rules Challenge, The L Word and The Boondocks. I almost cried at Dana's ceremony... I mean was I there? I had to be. I could feel the breeze and mist off the waterfall. I was there or somewhere.. I mean, it seemed as if I saw her last week. The tv world and my real life have began to morph... I am out of touch with what's going on here. Last night I heard some great poetry... Great new pieces... Poetry tag was off the chain.. I love you guys for helping the night go so quickly in order to have time to do it... Simply what p[oetry is about, spitting it with food and drink from the floor, passing it on, sharing the energy....... Despite the heavy eye lids, and at times, forced smile, I had a great time and it was great to be back home... Prob is, getting off a plane and having a couple of hours to re-adjust is mad crazy.... Found out today, I will be in El Paso, the following week. Yup. I hit Floetry Tuesday in SA, do Neo on Wednesday, fly out Thursday hella early, 6:15 am (a few hours after Neo), only to return... now mind you I was suppose to be in El Paso on Monday.. April 3... but I flipped it to Thursday... yup, a few hours after Neo-- hella early, 6:20 am.. at least it's non stop and I will lose an hour (which means I gain an hour sleep!!!!)
I did loss my cool at one point last night. Not because I was tired, but because I was touched...... Sister, Fallen Angel, thanks for knowing me well enough to buy something simply, dear and personal..... You touched me, I hope you get the same love from me.... I really do.... So this weekend, I will catch up with some poet compadres... Lisa.... Baby gurl.. love you for making the drive, Boo glad you will be back on Sunday.. I will try to watch Capote, Jar Head, and my eyelids over the weekend... it seems sometimes, I take my home life for granted and I want to treat it like a tv screen and turn the station, cut the power, mute it.... but, now, all I want to do is rewind, pause, pump up the volume, and find out what's going on in real time....

Falling Asleep to Law and Order

I have fallen asleep to Law and Order the last two nights... I am extremely tired, as moist know you can't get a full night's sleep with the television on. Interferes with the REM state. Am hoping that my eyelids are light enough to make it for the remainder of the day. It's been tough. Got Neo-2nite. Shyt. Today. I had to tell, a black woman who reminded me of someone's grandmother simply trying to give back to her community, that she was in violation of at least twenty compliance issues and I would have to halt biling into she was in full compliance. She began to cry. And I cried inside. I had a job to do, but.... My skin is not this thick. When I took this job I was in a "perfect" relationship. We lived nearly one thousand miles apart. I visited him. We had monthly get aways and mini vacations, in addition to the travel for my job. I never had to worry about missing anyone or anyone missing me. It was blissful... Or perhaps it was my youth and unwillingness to recognize that I was in a very unfulfilled relationship. It looked and seemed great. He was appropriate. As was I. He would call the hotels in advance and asked them to turn down my bed, order a meal from room service, leave me sweet messages on the phone prior to my arrival. Even asked the staff to turn the radio on to a smooth jazz station. I would call him, thanking him for the thoughtfulness, the choice with my meal, informed him of my day, yadda yadda yadda... I thought this was romance... And it was in a cheesy, unrealistic way. Neither of us had the energy to keep it up. Eventually I felt lonely, and as my confidence grew with living in a new city, (I had just moved to Austin) and with my new job, eventually the independent arrogance most women of color develop as they begin to hold it down (ALONE) contribute to the desire to just be free. I began to believe the relationship was more of a weight to keep me in place, than actually form a plan to forge a life together. Eventually, that led to me forcibly forcing a relationship which crumbled soon afterward, with he forcing the relationship, and me passively going along until I could no longer do it. I take credit now, as I did not want the relationship. I wanted the facade of the relationship. Now, I am happy in relationship. However, the romance is a lot different. Particularity on trips. We talk. We catch up. But there are no overt behaviors that cannot continue, that would be missed so much that the love wouldn't feel the same.. Making where the love is still good. We simply turn on the television to the show we fall asleep to nightly. An if fatigue prevents us from talking as long as we want, no matter where we are, we have the creature comfort of falling asleep to Law and Order.... And while it appears silly, having the television share my bed, if only for a few nights, it's familiar enough to mimic where I feel most loved....

Is that so.....

"Lately, your low self-esteem is just good common sense."
quoted from the motion picture Spanglish........

I am deliriously tired.... I am on my second week of travel. And while I am able to go home each Wednesday, just in time for Neo-Soul.... By the time I actually get that "much needed and highly anticipated restlessness" I never really catch up on my rest, it is time to begin to think about the next trip..... This job, while at times fulfilling, is not glamorous.
As I pulled into the drive way of the Renaissance, John, the valet, greets me, and upon opening the door of the rental car, "Hello, Ms. Taylor, should I check the menu at Eatzi's and order ahead for you, or shall you be dining there this evening? I bet you don't care much for this Durango, especially since you frequently drive the luxury sedans. A little to big for you, huh, and you hate the gas mileage. Is this your last stop?" He smiles pockets the keys, turns and says, "I know you're tired, so you're going going out again later tonight. Your job doesn't pay for the valet, so I'll keep the keys in my pocket until you return." Mind you, it's been, from my recollection, a few months since I did an audit in Dallas, and I know it's his job to know things, but whatdafck? He knew more then most people I know would know. Truth of the matter was I ABSOLUTELY HATED THE DURANGO, DIDN'T LIKE THE IDEA OF ANYONE, THE STATE OF TEXAS, TAXPAYERS, OR ME SPENDING 55.00 TO FILL IT UP AFTER GOING A MERE 200 MILES IF THAT... I WAS DOG TIRED, WAS NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO SLEEP, SO YES, I WAS LEAVING LATER TO GO TO EATZI'S TO PICK UP DINNER.
I wasn't feeling very good about myself, and I haven't for quite sometime. Recent events have given others an opportunity to express their opinions about me, the work I'm doing, or what I am doing personally. Feels pretty fcked up, and when you are tired, it's amplified. Tyler was a bust. Athens, cool, but I had to spend most of the day talking to an old acquaintance.. and while I didn't feel like talking to having lunch with her, I feared, I would get a bad evaluation, and Thursdays can be hell on me... The last thing I needed after being gone most of the week, dog tired, sleep deprived, was for my boss, or anyone for that matter to approach me with some bs... So I smiled, talked, and prayed patiently for the work to go smoothly. It did. So now, I'm patiently waiting, waiting for the opportunity to spread my wings and fly.... Hopefully next Tuesday, my fix, Floetry, will be what I need.... However, I leave two days later, on Thursday morning for Houston....

Tyler, Texas... Home of the Roses..

I am in Tyler, Texas. Home of the famous Tyler Roses... Hotel is sub-par, not barely livable, but.. It has it's issues. There are people who were left homeless by the recent wrath of Mother Nature residing here. Particularity Katrina. Now, mind you, that is not what makes the hotel sub-par... It's difficult to find 5 star accommodations in the "rural" areas of the State. My work travels throughout the great State of Texas, often leave me, speechless. Often, my appearance, coupled with my choice of words, as well as my use of the King's English throws people off. So often I get, "yue aint from 'roun 'hear. r u?" I take them as 1) upiddity ass nic'a. 2) who da hell do you think you are? 3) utter surprise, like some how, my locks are a badge of ignorance. Either way, I find it insulting... Anyway, the relocation of the those persons displaced by Hurricane Katrina, seemingly have left "folk" in these parts with a very bad taste in their mouths..... And I, a traveling professional, work hard at not personalizing things and using the race card.... Especially when I have to pay using the Mastercard with the State of Texas seal on it.... Along with my agency... Along with my name... I can hear it now.... So as I waited in on two occasions in two different restaurants for twenty minutes each time... I found myself swallowing curt comments and sarcastic comments after spying that I was one of few beautifully tinted mocha faces in each establishment... I bargained with the idea that they were busy, they were training people, they were new, they were preoccupied, having a bad day, sorting things out...... Anything other than what it seemingly appeared. Each time, when I was finally waited upon, I smiled, ordered my food, ate and left a nice tip... Even chit - chatted... However, my patience ran out an hour ago.... There is no real fcking cable..... And guess what? No one seems to know why, other than more than half the hotel guests are not paying for rooms, and fema has not paid them according to the front desk clerk (I over heard them talking and complaining about the "guests")... Thank God, I'm in Dallas tomorrow... Renaissance here I come...

A LONELY DATE

I got a date tonight with these two fellas... ELM's in Houston working... We can't seem to be in the city at the same time, so I will bide my time in front of the tv screen eating popcorn, writing the poems that are floating in my head, drinking water, listening to music (YES ALL AT THE SAME TIME) and maybe, just maybe, I'll fall asleep and wake up to the shade of those brown eyes I love so much....... just maybe... monday, Dallas..... the work of a state employee.... holla

As yet untitled....

She holds light in hand,
Speaks in the secret language of raindrops,
Smiles a million thunderstorms
which washes my blues away..
She moves like midtowne taxi
erratically racing

a top paved emotions
oft stalling at red lights held
upright by cracked asphalt
and concrete tombs
disguised in my words.
I fall upon dead silence
a quickened sound of flash
'tween red and green
stuck somewhere cautiously

on the yellow
of her light.


kdtaylor, 2006
section 8 coffee publishing
all rights reserved

Chicken, T-shirts and TV ..... Get it?

I'm tired as heck.... just had some Frenchy's chicken.. want to lay down... pretty much through with my work, and am on my way to the airport, to wait for my flight back to the ATX... Tiring ya know, if I don't get an early flight, basically, I go straight home, take a shower, and drive to Antonio's...Hosting our first official slam tonight... Slams are hard, you can't really be excited one way or the other, it shows favoritism... I never want to be accused of swaying the crowd, so I have to refrain... Gotta a hellacool Drunknmunky t-shirt...I shopped for t-shirts while in Houston. My goal is to wear a different t-shirt every Wednesday night... Let's see 365 divided by 7, equals about 52.1 Wednesdays in 2006.. It's becoming somewhat costly also, 'cuz I have to search hard, so that no one else has the t-shirt... I had to retire one because someone has one like it, so it can never be worn in public again, I fear we may show up at the same place with it on... I think ELM is rubbing off on me, I've never been too concerned about repeats, but it's fun in it's own way... Still walking around with these poems... Still haven't had time... Barely able to post.. Last night American Idol was so jacked up!! How many Stevie Wonder songs can you mess up in one night? Hella lot I guess, from watching the show... Sucks.. the L-Word killed off Dana!! It wasn't really shocking since a rumor started at the beginning of the season stating one of the characters would be killed.. Fucking Tina.. man, she needs to make up her mind, her sexuality is like a revolving door. And somebody please do something about MAX!!! Anyway.. caught the rerun of the Sopranos.... HOT SEASON in store... Anyway.. pray I get the early flight.... holla

Hotel Derek

So I'm in Houston. Staying at the Hotel Derek, supposedly Puff Daddy's Houston home, he takes out an entire floor whenever he's in town. The valet reports he's stayed for the Super Bowl, NBA All-Star weekend, and has reservations for the Essence Festival. I'm not mad impressed. The Hotel is a'ight. Especially if you like modern things.... Hard wood floor in the bathroom, a nice European bed which sits about three inches from the floor, if that high, glass shelving, and swank little pillows thrown strategically across the room. Nice vegetable soap for your body and milk soap for your face. Milk soap reminds me of my black soap, it's alright... Again, Hotel Derek, is a'ight. I love Puffy's clothes, not particularity his taste in hotels, though.. It is too metropolitan for me, the lobby was too damn dark, and way too many people greeting you and welcoming you back for a small tip... I don't think I could be famous, all the greeting and tipping mess got old quick.. Don't get me wrong I five and four star it everytime, but this was a bit different... Give me something with a home feel, I like Intercontinental (Holiday Inn Brand) and my favorite, the Renaissance Hotel (Marriott Brand), well, I'm used to it.... Houston, seemingly has become my second home for the month. Having been here three times in four weeks.. Thank goodness I am in Dallas next week. But back in Houston the following week. Work schedule is dragging me down... I got several poems in me, just no time to write them....

THE WEEKEND FROM HEAVEN!!!!!

Celebrated my one year and one month anniversary.. My gift to ELM, aside from a hard time..... is one month of "fanfckingtastic" muzic! Our very first official date last year was the Jill Scott concert... So, I'm trying to build a tradition... And Sunday was the first of three concerts, topped off at the end of the month with Goapelle and Floetry... Okay, I am a bit ahead of myself..... See the pic! Naw, check... C DA PIC? We jammed out last night at the Before After Party featuring "FUNK SWAY"... Doyle Bramhall 2, Questlove (of The Roots), Wendy and Lisa, Susannah Melvoin (Wendy's twin from The Family), Mike Elizando, James Poysner, and DJ Jazzy Jeff. Featuring, on vocals, the funkingly brilliant Miss South Dallas Ya'll, Erykah Badu..... It was a hella show.... Ending with DJ Jazzy Jeff doing the damn thing for a good 45 minutes..... I can't dance, but enjoyed the music.. I'm only getting started.... This year has been so good I am thinking of changing my name to 7.... Found the love of my life.... Losing my religion, finding my spirituality... Hosting (mixed blessing)... pronounced Kay Lee Ya and Lisa (New Orleans Poets) Christa Bell..... Twain.... A family of friends... Renewed kinships... Mary (I am getting around!) My Neo-soul fam... And the highlight of the year..... Drumroll....... I caught the drumstick that he used in the show.... Yea.. Baby, reached up in the air and snatched it down like a rebound... and later got in signed, by Mr. Afro himself, the one, the only, QUEST-LOVE of the LEGENDARY ROOTS CREW!!!!! (somebody's got to be there when it gets ugly!) And l8r, it only got gr8r... We met fcking Wendy and Lisa..... You know... look at the pic again.. Wendy?.. Yes Lisa.. Is the water warm enough?... Yes, Lisa.... Shall we begin? Yes, Lisa..... James Poyser walked around.... man... man.. man... If this is an indication of my year.... WoW.. God... can't wait for it to unfold...

K.O.R.I.M. Can You Say I'm # 1 and NU York City!

From my point of view, the future of poetry is safe and in very good hands....... His MoM knew it. We knew it. Hustle called it. Keye ran the feature... http://www.keyetv.com/video/?id=4539@keye.dayport.com Now the whole world knows.... Congratulations to Korim!!! Well done young man.. Well done. He is the Austin Under 21 Youth Slam Champion..It was a phenomenal evening... Thanks Korim and Poet in Law for allowing me to be a small part of your village!!!!

If I can brag on myself, I picked 3 of the 4 team members.... Korim, Kelsey, and Prophet. This year, was once again a heartbreaking situation. Last year, I watched Korim fall short after having a slam off with Phillip, who would go on to be the Under 21 Slam Champion. This year, I watched Shannon fall in the first round.......

Congratulations to all that graced the stage last night. Win or lose you all were absolutely amazing....

TO A FRIEND..

TO A FRIEND...
Sometimes the most foolish thing you can do is continue in a relationship, that in the minds of most reasonable, rational, clear-thinking, healthy individuals would be easily identified as a mistake, walk away from and never look back. Not us. It is our dis-EASE that causes us to seek approval from people whom, we may never ever, receive it from. There will be few nods and little recognition. We love, people, who, are emotionally unavailable, or weighed with past hurts and distrusts which prevent them from trusting us, our behaviors and our words. People who can never see us for who were are. People who, say they want someone to love them unconditionally. Love them with conviction. Love them with passion. But can never return the same love. It is foreign, a mythical illusion which they believe is possible for themselves, but are limited in their capacity to let go and love. To be vulnerable. Yet we continue try, believing somehow that we will say the right thing, do the right thing, become angry enough to snap them into reality, see us for who we are, and say "I am a changed person. Wow, I've been waiting for you all my life! Look what you've done." That realization never occurs, we are left healing in the hurt we caused for ourselves. Leaving us empty, leaving us selfless. Perhaps it is in fact, a self-esteem issue, disguised in arrogance and false confidence. Or a quiet weakened dignity that allows us to accept less than what we truly deserve. It hurts and we lash. We lash out in angered disappointment despising ourselves with each word. Words which are in fact boomerangs, means of us telling ourselves the truth. The curses and spewed hate aimed at another are self inflicting, designed to humiliate the core of ourselves. I hurt, so shall you.......
Love wrapped in a shiny paper laced with ignored ignorance and plummeting self worth has a way of preventing us from seeing the truth.... It is not love...
Depending on another for your happiness or a definition of who you are is foolhearted. Yet, you do... Disillusioned, and hurt, you swallow tears choking on the bland reality that perhaps this is what love is truly about. It is not. And while you may fear being alone, you will learn that those you are most attracted to share your dis-EASE, even if their symptoms are the polar opposite of yours. There are no knights in shining armor or princesses to be rescued from towers. There are no magical shoes or beans. A kiss will never wake you from that comatose state. No dwarves will pop out of the woods to assist you in healing until you are able to love again. There is no Captain John Smith to see your exotic beauty and truly appreciate it. There is no one who will wage wars to protect your name and reputation. The reality is unless we change our behaviors, there will be no happy endings, only endless marathons of promises soon to be broken and infinite final goodbyes left unspoken. Waking every morning believing today will be the last one with no weakened hello at the end of the day to help us forget. An elixir numbing the pain and disappointment that you will call love. The saddened state you would call a relationship. Because you are afraid to leave. And fear remaining...... So you stand, face to face, deadlocked... In silent apprehension and brazen dread... Not wanting to accept the truth of the emotion or the moment of truth. Nobody moves no one gets hurt.. but Baby girl, someone has to move and yes, someone will always get hurt.....

You know it's Hard....

Academy Award Winning Songs -- this year, these great songs are joined by the *itches & hoes song

"Damn.... You know it's hard out for a pimp."
"You ain't knowin!"

Even harder for the Academy Awards. Wonder what they were thinking? Denzel wins for playing a gangster/cop/thug, with no recognition for playing one of the most notable leaders in the free world. Halle wins for sleeping with a brother with another color.. Billy Bob is cool as a fan. Don't front. Wanda won last year for Ray. Don't get me started with Whoopie. Sidney is, or was, a wife beater. Morgan. Hey can't really say too much, just happy he didn't win for driving Miss Daisy's ass around. Louis. He is and will remain a man. But his ass was a little off in an Officer and a Gentleman. Hattie and James, well, they still didn't allow blacks to be aired, so... Cuba acted an ass, so we still can't forgive him or his freaking buffoonery. Notable black actors, actresses, and The Q, all of which failed to earn an Oscar: Dexter Gordon in Round Midnight? Oprah, even tho' I can't stand her ass, The Color Purple? Diana's drunk ass, or was she really acting, in Lady Sings the Blues? Michael Clarke Duncan, The Green Mile? Q (Quincy Jones), The Color Purple, The Eyes of Love, In Cold Blood, and For Love of Ivy? Don't get me wrong I love 3 Six Mafia, but not that damn much... Not that damn much...

loved one comment, very notable: "I am really glad Hollywood did this. It makes them all look like PIMPS."

White Balloons

white balloons mistaken for clouds float
drift on thin air to explode
bursting into confetti streams of idealism
it's all a facade and I fall
I fall from alternate reality
to bitter consciousness
into perpetual dream - state
and wonder
life before birth
death after birth
last night I dreamt I died
I drowned in muddy waters filled with
teardrops my pillow could no longer contain
and perspiration which could no longer shield my pain
I suffocated on the bland reality of my existence...
and if the shell I call flesh has been successfully deceptive
in this lifetime I was an ant
my life was stomped out of me
a karmic vision.
my last breath sucked from my soul
caught in a vacuum
like that from my womb.
I exist only in memories and dreams in shades of gray
colorless, except for the bloodstains
we walk foothill path separately,
together
my grand and I.
together, separately in thought.
she says she met great grand twin sons
at crooked fork in road.
she asks, "why?"
I, heavy tongued could only ponder.
did not want to answer,
Could only say
I don't have the love to carry my lifetime's weight.
nightly, I die to shed the pain of rejection.
isolation steals happiness that hides in the corner of my mind
I pray for nightfall because sleep always comes on time.
the shadows are the only lovers I know.
I seek refuge in the arms of silhouettes.
Find comfort in the haunting imprints that remain long after you're gone.
the sun's rays chill and freeze an already embittered heart.
I have nothing to give to myself
what I give to others is never enough.
I am a vessel thru which much flows, but I remain empty.
nightly, I die in hopes to shed this fleshy shell
and be reborn,
reincarnated
but the heart remains always taunting me.
I cannot escape exhausted eyes
which seek no resolution
only avoidance of pain and loss
my arms reach for the unattainable
in life they are always too short
not swift enough to embrace reality
so I pray for the darkness in silence
the stillness of being alone
in black and white dreams I am lifeless
weightless,
no gravitational pull to the womb
I am colorless
disconnected.
disassociated.
each dawn my destiny manifested
in the vacuum of a white balloon
mistaken for clouds.
there I hide
floaing on thin air
bursting
exploding
falling
to dawn...

ktaylor 2006

miss you....

Openly, I want to share with the world the love and admiration I have for you. To let them know that no matter what they thought from that faithful day to this very moment, exact space, next breath, that we... well, you know. You've always known. So who, who would have thought that the moment I, with no memories in hand, intimacy in words, insistence in fleeting hugs, would have to exhale goodbye... and inhale the bitter heat and air from the exhaust and my exhaustion...... Feet heavy unable to catch you. And while you stood your ground, never leaving, never questioning, the tears that welled in my eyes would be what quenched your thirst. Leaving me dry. You asked "why do you fear?" I replied, "because I live." I didn't quite finish.. "because I live vicariously thru your smiles, the brown in your eyes serve as sunrise, the sweetness of your breath, slightly above my neck proof there is a GOD." And tonight, as the sun sets, and I must clutch pillows that have stolen your scent poorly mimicking your touch, clutching blankets that are much too heavy.... Reminding me.. Reminding me of you... You asked, "why are you crying." I replied, "because I don't want to be reminded." I didn't quite finish. I don't want to remember a day, a night, a moment, a thought, a space, a tear, a smile, a kiss, a dream, a hug, a laugh, a sunrise, a tv show, a voice, a late night talk, a long walk, a star, a season, a leaf, a rain drop, a shower, a giggle, a telephone ring, and all the other mundanely, inaudibly exciting things that occur in my daily life without you..... Openly, I want to share that with the world, but instead I'll share it with you.... I miss you.