Sometimes I wonder if i am wearing an invisible straight jacket. I often walk a fine line of sanity and insanity. Actually, it's by my own design.... I am making self improvements. I am becoming responsible as I am going to have to be more responsible... Sometimes, I believe my new outlook, gives me the idea that I am weak. Vulnerable. There are few things I care about lately. My Spirituality. My ELM. My job. All in that order... I have to have a good relationship with a power greater than myself (no I am not in AA) in order to prepare myself and my heart for another human being.... My ELM (represents my family/village) and the branches represent everything that is good in my life. (The Oak, The Fir and the Mahagony Wood you are included..) I have to stay focused on who and what is best for me in this moment. My job... I have a goal regarding management. I have to stay focused........In a few weeks the fruit of my labor will pay off. It already has. In focusing on those things that are important, I have been able to accomplish so much in a short period of time. Elimination of people, things, and energy that are not in your best interests has away of doing that. I have a tendency to hold onto things/people that are not good for me. Langston, I know wish I would have listened to you... I attempt to give people the benefit of doubt, believing that despite themselves and their selfish desire they will, in the end, face thier personal truth. Not my truth, but their truth... It is very revealing. In the process, you will let go of your hostages, your blinders, things that prevent you from seeing and accepting life on life's terms. Despite my best efforts to trust, I want to have regrets, but I have none. Without my interference, I learn and move... Some of that wreckage (my house, foes disguised as friends, my ex boyfriend, and poor choices) has come back to haunt, but not hurt me... Thankfully, I am a relatively honest person, so I never have to remember a lie... That has to suck for some... The bullshit is not important and it has no relevance in my life today. Cousin it helped. You reminded me. Despite this "new found me" in the end, I really don't give a fck about what anyone says or thinks about me... I just have a way of thinking about it a little too much and bit too hard... (I always want to know my part) And that's what makes me think that perhaps there is a secret fitting party for that special little jacket.... But in the end, I know the jacket's not reserved for me, just a means of scooping up the bullshit that is thrown my way.....
3 comments:
"Elimination of people, things, and energy that are not in your best interests has away of doing that. I have a tendency to hold onto things/people that are not good for me."
i know all too well about the honesty in this statement boo. dont worry, i would never let you wear this jacket alone...besides, i might have the perfect t-shirt to match! ;)
My shrink says, "you can only drive your car, you cant control how other people drive...so make sure the right person inside you is driving your car." :) it has helped along with the moving on from what people think of me, but that is a hard thing to get over, for most people I would say.
baby steps
"elimination of people, things, energy...."...i know this statement all too well myself. i tend to hold on much too long myself, usually gets me in trouble and i internalize so much. but part of this growth for me, as well, is to let it and them go. constant struggle w/in myself, but very necessary.
i keep my straight jacket and the key to the padded room in the back of my closet...next to pandora's box.
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