I am a fan of writers.... There are some incredible writers in my circle.... Often, I work at not putting their names in print or say their names outloud... Mostly, I discuss those whom I don't share a hellalotofspacewith, as not to hurt feelings or create friction with those in my inner circle.. I absolutely love Christopher Lee and his work. He is my overall favorite... I believe that some, including him, underestimate his talent at times, because, tragically, my man can get in his own way.. However, I believe that to be a part of the allure and beauty of his artistry... Mo, without a doubt (EVERYONE KNOWS HOW I FEEL ABOUT MO BEAZY!).. Writes life in volumes, her voice brings it alive, I have felt the spirit of her poetry... I heard Rachel McKibbons in person during Nats, and developed a newer, higher level of respect for her work, I thought she was good when I saw her on Def Poets (but you guys know how they water that shyt down to make everyone the same..), in person she is a fcking oximoron.. she is sensitive, passionate and brilliant as she is crass and in your face. Shane (Vancouver), Andrea (Denver), Ommm Christa Bell (Seattle) and Annis (co-Indy Champ, though I have to admit, after I saw him again, my feelings weren't as intense). There are MANY more, but I believe these people to be the ULTIMATE writers... Like they could write anyfuckingthing. I mean, flushed toilet paper would have feminine strength and power - {Christa}, a struggle against one's demons - {Chris Lee}, a hella character study - {Mo Browne}, courageously attitudinal {Rachel}, dignified spiritual presence {Annis}, passionately underestimated {Andrea} and a romantic archetype you've never noticed, until (s)he spoke - {Shane}. I say all this to say nothing and everything....Last night, a writer, poet, friend (not necessarily on that order) approached me and discussed writing. My writing in particular. I was totally uncomfortable. I could not for the life of me JUST accept the compliment. An ex homeboy of mine used to refer to that behavior as false humility.. In his opinion, the poet was playing up their discomfort with compliments in order to milk the moment. I wasn't sure if I agreed with it then, now I am convinced I don't agree... I've watched poets and with some, it's very hard. It's difficult (for me, I can't speak for others) to accept compliments for writing about my feelings, or thoughts. I believe everyone has thoughts, feelings, opinions and means of expressing them. Mine stem from many unsettling emotions that I can experience in a single setting... Similar to sitting down for a meal, 'cept I am eating my emotions. Most of it comes from trying to save myself for one moment.. Save myself from a negative thought, or impulse. So what most get is anger, or are met with extreme boundaries.. It's difficult to explain. Well no, it's not, I don't have a true comfort level with exposing that much of myself.. There is someone I write for... She needs to be heard. She is innocent, brilliant, beautiful (but doesn't know it), confused, lacks confidence, extremely sensitive, wants so very much to please everyone, including herself, is living with loss, and dying to live, just a little each day...... I pray I do her voice - justice 'cuz it's always been just us.. So offer a sincere apology to you and anyone else whom I've shunned when offered a hint of a compliment. I apologize for not accepting it, she really appreciates it.... I just don't have the words to convey it....
3 comments:
that is one of the hardest things for me as well. it just floors me whenever someone approaches me and compliments me on my work or thanks me for the words. its often women who tell me thankyou, cause that was/is me...it truly humbles me, and i don't know how to react. i am still so new to the spoken word scene, hardly at the level i want to be, but know with these incredible writers i am surrounded by, i will get there.
i write for the innocent one inside as well.
by the way, besides chris being one of my favs too, i must say you are too.
i wish i didn't have to continuously reiterate how much yall at neo-soul (especially the wonderful women that i blog with), influence me. while i think many of us actually do get bashful when complimented, i also think there is an "inner warmth" generated when we've touched someone-ANYONE!
kim, i meant what i said last wednesday night, and i will continue to marvel at just how OMNIPOTENT you present yourself to be when it comes to writing/spitting! while you may not give yourself ample credit and praise, i have no problem reminding you again and again.
so THANK YOU. thank you for inspiring me. thank you for encouraging me. thank you for acknowledging me. thank you for pushing me. thank you for helping me become comfortable with me. thank you for introducing me to my own voice. thank you for being a part of the women's collective where i feel the most comfortable that i have ever felt in YEARS! :)
I know that people say that sometimes, that being bashful or uncomfortable with compliments is milking it. I dont agree. Some people do, but there are those who do not.
the bad news is it is about our own self image. I feel physically uncomfortable sometimes with compliments and immediately rationalize them away. Well, Shelle loves me. B loves that I love writing...blah blah blah. It is good to see that you know it's about you. That others see the beauty or/and connection your writing gives someone. Just keep doing your best to allow it in, and maybe just maybe, those of us who feel this way will let others love our work enough to encourage us to love it and ourselves more.
Post a Comment