It sucks... I am at the Hotel Derek in Houston, my home away from home.... For once, ELM and I are in the same city working... So it's suppose to be fun, right? Had plans to go so Goapele again tonight, it was gonna be a surprise.. she's performing with a DJ at a chic club downtown.... But no..... I'm sick, I've got some allergy, asthma, cold, flu, sinus, mucus, feverish, coughy, achey, tingling, sore throatish bug.... I'm drinking lots of water and juice... avoiding dairy products, but it's not working.. and I gotta perform tomorrow night.. BOO....... and yes I made up words to explain how i feel.... they sounded good.... ha

i'm sick and tired.....

Sometimes I wonder if i am wearing an invisible straight jacket. I often walk a fine line of sanity and insanity. Actually, it's by my own design.... I am making self improvements. I am becoming responsible as I am going to have to be more responsible... Sometimes, I believe my new outlook, gives me the idea that I am weak. Vulnerable. There are few things I care about lately. My Spirituality. My ELM. My job. All in that order... I have to have a good relationship with a power greater than myself (no I am not in AA) in order to prepare myself and my heart for another human being.... My ELM (represents my family/village) and the branches represent everything that is good in my life. (The Oak, The Fir and the Mahagony Wood you are included..) I have to stay focused on who and what is best for me in this moment. My job... I have a goal regarding management. I have to stay focused........
In a few weeks the fruit of my labor will pay off. It already has. In focusing on those things that are important, I have been able to accomplish so much in a short period of time. Elimination of people, things, and energy that are not in your best interests has away of doing that. I have a tendency to hold onto things/people that are not good for me. Langston, I know wish I would have listened to you... I attempt to give people the benefit of doubt, believing that despite themselves and their selfish desire they will, in the end, face thier personal truth. Not my truth, but their truth... It is very revealing. In the process, you will let go of your hostages, your blinders, things that prevent you from seeing and accepting life on life's terms. Despite my best efforts to trust, I want to have regrets, but I have none. Without my interference, I learn and move... Some of that wreckage (my house, foes disguised as friends, my ex boyfriend, and poor choices) has come back to haunt, but not hurt me... Thankfully, I am a relatively honest person, so I never have to remember a lie... That has to suck for some... The bullshit is not important and it has no relevance in my life today. Cousin it helped. You reminded me. Despite this "new found me" in the end, I really don't give a fck about what anyone says or thinks about me... I just have a way of thinking about it a little too much and bit too hard... (I always want to know my part) And that's what makes me think that perhaps there is a secret fitting party for that special little jacket.... But in the end, I know the jacket's not reserved for me, just a means of scooping up the bullshit that is thrown my way.....

woa.... song and flow

okay.. Okay.. Okay....
the night was a'ight to say the least.... HA.. I lie.. it was off the friggin chain.. 'cept the essay folk wanted to chill and be bougie and thangs.... soooo
okay... how'd it go down?
first i called lovie with the floetry live soundtrack blaring, screaming as if I were at the concert already, asking her where she was.. needless to say she didn't sound happy as she thought she was missing the show..... laughed and told her to chill. they were on their way.
we got to town 'bout 6:55 pm with room to breathe.... good parking...
caught up with 'chelle and cousin inside... they were chillin with vocab and vocab's sis... looked around, there was trey aka nappy, carlita, deja, her gurl, then tony pops from the corner. man there are mad poets every where in the house... then outta no where double d double d and her little queens popped up....
finally got to our seats.... now my seats were good, but I was jealous of vocab.. front row mind you? long wait... almost a half hour, finally,
goaple hits the stage. to say she is beautiful is an understatement. most pictures don't do her justice.... as soon as i realize they are selling her merchandise, I make a mad dash for my boy langston.... he asked for a t-shirt.... miss a bit of her opening song, trying to make sure he gets his size.... it gets better... she hits the stage and does most new songs... i had the cd already, but I got one for ELM.... an autographed one.. well, I'm ahead of myself.... her set was mad cool. i loved her vibe..... i had been practicing a new piece with one of her songs, battle of the heart (#13). i had hope she would sing it but she didn't.... anyway.. after her set, i walk out to get B's t-shirt and ELM a cd, she autographs both, but not before I get to spit a bit of the piece (not another love poem)... she actually paid attention..
later floetry hit the stage... i was mesmorized.... man, i wish i could get a permanent songstress to go with my pieces, especially since i've been writing most to songs and tunes.... kind of sucks, but.. the life of an artist.... so i call brandy so that she can get a hear... i call b and poet in law, neither were answering, but at least they saw the love... out of know where i hear.. YEA YEA YEA.... and know in that moment, love made it to the joint... Easy-Lee was there as well.. It was mad cool set... wish essay would have been in it, but people were complaining if you got out your seat and stuff.... what topped it off.... i got to talk to all the artist after the show... got everyone's autograph, and a homegurl from essay is suppose to be sending me the picture of me with floetry.... again, if this is an indication of my year, i am going to change my name to seven..... G.O.D. has been good.....
thir13teen......

o! yuppers

tonight is a late anniveray celebration thang.. A late 11th... It's gonna be hella cool. The floacist and the songstress in my home town essay.... . me and the tree. i am on my way out of this beeyaaaaaachhhhhhhh...
see ya later cousin, lovie, butterfly, double d double d.... hate the whole crew's missing out, especially since the erykah badu concert was off the friggin chain... we can begion to plan for anthony hamilton and heather headley if you guys are interested. ohh yes... i am hella excited.... it's getting late... why am i still here? b-wine, jai byrd, fallen angel, and joey.. we will call you guys...... and yes, q.. we are sending them straight to the lou... just make sure floyd's (impackt's) big old head can't be see thru out the whole show if it's taped... we got enough of that from the last one...
holla

ni'cahs and pies.. always

I am not a pie fan. Never have been. Well, I used to like key Lime pie from Marie Callendar's. However, it's seasonal, and somewhere along the line, they changed the recipe, or cut back on the ingredients.. so now, well. I wait until I can get what I want. And I am pretty picky, so... If given an opportunity to chose from the slices to the left, I'd pass on them all... I don't want pie, for pie's sake... Besides, some only else may want it.. Now, me. I like Peach Cobbler. To be specific, my grand's peach cobbler. So, I will pass up a lot of peach cobbler as well. It has to have the right ingredients. Now, I've learned how to cook my own peach cobbler. Kind of like my grand's. I used to watch her, now she wouldn't tell me all her secrets, so I had to guess, and eventually, while I do not profess to be an excellent cook. I can make a hella good cobbler. I know, though, it's not for everyone. I liken opportunities to pies, and cobblers. My grand, sometimes, would use store bought crust. Then, she would do what my aunt called, "putting her foot in it." At the time, I don't know why see opted to use store bought crust instead of making her own. It was never really a time factor, because my grand was a prideful woman. She took as much care and time with the store bought as her own... she valued the results. Just sometimes, as she put it, "it needed to be used." or she "was making theirs a little better." And on those rare occasions she used the store bought kind, she always said she while it wasn't her own crust, she "put in a little extra in there."
Lately, I've been doing some work on a project at work. It was in limbo for nearly five months after a co-worker left the position vacant, thus leaving the duties unassigned. I watched like I watched my grand make cobbler. It seemed as if the crust would sit in the freezer and perish.. I mean, it does have an expiration date. People kept looking in the freezer, moving the crust around, letting it sit on the counter to get spoiled or possibly go bad, putting other mess on top of it, causing it to crumble and crack a bit.. I mean it was frozen... One moring, as the ole folk put it, "my mouth made water and my pressure got up for some cobbler". So I took the crust out of the freezer. Peeles a couple of peaches to add tot he canned ones, bought some butter, cinnamon, sugar, nutmeg (yes, nutmeg, you make your own.. damnit), etc. Heated up the stove and went to talk to my boss about the pie, I mean cobbler, no I really mean opportunity.... and the ingredients (ideas/my mind) I had to add. He not only gave it to me freely, but informed me if I could make the neccesary changes, and implement the qm process effectively, we would talk about being compensated for future use of pie crusts.... So the travel began.... Ni'cahs and pies always around.....
Now the crust sat in the freezer for at least five months. No one had a taste for pie, at least not one made with that crust.... So why the attitudes? I mean especially from the sisters who used to be so cool with me... Hell, I've been gone too much to participate in office gossip...Why, is it that sister's have difficulty with another sister trying to "come up"? Why must we fight, gossip, roll eyes, sabotage. Become competitive? For no other reason, than we can. Now, I have problems with women I must admit. 1) I was reared by a gang of them, and I still have a resentment. 2) My mother died when I was very young, and I still have a resentment. 3) Most women just aren't comfortable in their own skin. For example, unless you are aware of your own strength, you will always feel weak. If you are not aware of your beauty, you cannot truly appreciate another woman's beauty. If you are not in touch with your sensuality and sexuality, you will fell threatened and/or victimized. You get the jest? And I am not singling women, just making my point. The sisters who work in my department are tripping. I get a little attention for some work, and now all hell is breaking loose... Around me.... 'cuz, I can't be bothered. I have a male business mentor.. B-Fran. And I am totally detached, but need a healthy way to express my dismay... So I blog... Now mind you both are on their way out the door. Neither can be bothered with the tasks, the people, the extra work, the travel.... They didn't want the cobbler, they wanted pie..... Baby don't get my cobbler confused with your piece of the American pie..... (Wo)Man this is so fcking frustrating. I value being a woman. I love being a woman. I am aware of the power I poses. I am thinking about my coochie, right fricking now. (thanks elm, mo, and now christa, along with my many poet gurls who hold it down with little if any drama). It hurts that women of color on the work place cannot get along and serve as mentors and sources of support. Mo, who will always be dear, taught me about the crouching tiger/hidden dragon thang (one of our shared favorite movies).. and boy did my life change.... not just my life, but my outlook. an ex used to correct me often when I would refer to women as ladies.... I was told there was a vast difference. But I want to view these women as ladies... I don't want to be some crazed female fighting as if we resided in the bush, we don't have to act uncivilized, we can all get what we want. It's a matter of focus, and the ability to put goals in perspective, have vision..... I will not lose hope, but I be damn if I've given up my bit of cobbler.... if i keep my head to the grind, I could possibly add some ice cream to the top, and really have a treat....

I have to thank my grand... she taught me a lesson, see, I didn't make the crust, I just saw it needed to be used. And I put my foot in it.. And no I'm not taking credit for all the work, I'm letting people know I had to put a little something in it... And while I am expanding on another's work, it doesn't mean that I am not putting everything I know into the task, and creating ways to make it my own... And while my grand has transcended to a very special place where prayerfully she has found eternal peace and rest..... I cannot say I don't long for the smell of HER cobbler, and the buttery taste it left at the roof of my mouth.. But I can also thank her daily as I move thru life accepting opportunities that afford an opportunity to grow, thus making my own cobbler... Even using some one else's crust as a base.... But I will always have my ingredients (mind) and fruit (labor) to make it my own.... And yes, if you ask politely, I will give you a taste, maybe even teach you to make your own.......

Tagged 10 in an (old) Poem

Harlem Brown's Lifetime (I still wait for you)

you held in hand fruit of life. I void of voice, could only watch, wonder, in love stricken awe. as the fullness of
your curious lips parted to savor the flavor of life's passion. the brown in your eyes, now wide, swelled with tears. you discover the pain of knowledge. a western storm brews casting you from east of Eden
ending my dreams and fantasies. I watch the curves of your silhouette adorned in fig leaf flee in the darkness of our future. I, locked behind garden's gate, no longer a paradise, close my eyes, inhale your vision in my very last breath, exhale this lifetime westward, and forge my only memory of you upon my broken soul. sunrise, sunset, moonlight, metamorphosis. shadowed. hidden in thickets along the beach of the Ivory Coast I catch a glimpse of you. the deep brown of your eyes can not be ignored, conjuring hidden passions and forgotten lust within the depth of my bosom. the scorch of sun tattooed homage to mother earth upon your back, as chains and shackles strip and snatch you from my heart's grasp. silence suffocates my screams, my arms reach painfully toward the fleeting shadow of love. I tearfully, pray that we meet again. sunrise, sunset, moonlight,
metamorphosis. months from dust, in the fall of my life, I feel your waning spirit slip thru fingertips. you, a blueprint upon the essence of my core. as we pass, you smile. I taste the nectar of our past lives thru a glimpse in the rise in your cheek. I catch recognition in your eye. you remember that in third life we held forever within the clutch of our fold that our heartbeats beat simultaneous synchronizing to harmonious spirits, our cycle transforms, permeates this lifetime. I close my eyes, sit in silence and become lost in the memory of the brown of yours. I find solace.. stilled, I feel the ground move under my feet. I weep as I hear the first heartbeat of the newborn I am about to become. I will search for you in dreams of our next life together. sunrise, sunset, moonlight, metamorphosis... i shall continue to search for you.....

1. love 2. brown eyes 3. knowledgable 4. dream fantacize (imaginative and creative) 5. soulful (encompasses honesty trustworthiness, etc.) 6. metamorphosis (everchanging and growing) 7. passionate (self explanatory, huh?) 8. praying (shared sense of spirituality) 9. rise in cheek (gotta smile and laugh a lot.) 10. harmonious spirits (we two are one)..... an added bonus solace/stilled (able to be my calm, safe place)

Please HELP....

I have got to have this on a t-shirt....

Oh and have a good weekend....

Turn the Station

I am home..... I don't know how I made it thru last night..... I feel as if I am worlds apart from everything and everyone. It is as if I am viewing their lives from television screens, and mind you it is not in HI Definition, nor are there any flat screens, the sound is muffled, and the static... you get the point right? I am more in tune with American Idol, Real World Road Rules Challenge, The L Word and The Boondocks. I almost cried at Dana's ceremony... I mean was I there? I had to be. I could feel the breeze and mist off the waterfall. I was there or somewhere.. I mean, it seemed as if I saw her last week. The tv world and my real life have began to morph... I am out of touch with what's going on here. Last night I heard some great poetry... Great new pieces... Poetry tag was off the chain.. I love you guys for helping the night go so quickly in order to have time to do it... Simply what p[oetry is about, spitting it with food and drink from the floor, passing it on, sharing the energy....... Despite the heavy eye lids, and at times, forced smile, I had a great time and it was great to be back home... Prob is, getting off a plane and having a couple of hours to re-adjust is mad crazy.... Found out today, I will be in El Paso, the following week. Yup. I hit Floetry Tuesday in SA, do Neo on Wednesday, fly out Thursday hella early, 6:15 am (a few hours after Neo), only to return... now mind you I was suppose to be in El Paso on Monday.. April 3... but I flipped it to Thursday... yup, a few hours after Neo-- hella early, 6:20 am.. at least it's non stop and I will lose an hour (which means I gain an hour sleep!!!!)
I did loss my cool at one point last night. Not because I was tired, but because I was touched...... Sister, Fallen Angel, thanks for knowing me well enough to buy something simply, dear and personal..... You touched me, I hope you get the same love from me.... I really do.... So this weekend, I will catch up with some poet compadres... Lisa.... Baby gurl.. love you for making the drive, Boo glad you will be back on Sunday.. I will try to watch Capote, Jar Head, and my eyelids over the weekend... it seems sometimes, I take my home life for granted and I want to treat it like a tv screen and turn the station, cut the power, mute it.... but, now, all I want to do is rewind, pause, pump up the volume, and find out what's going on in real time....

Falling Asleep to Law and Order

I have fallen asleep to Law and Order the last two nights... I am extremely tired, as moist know you can't get a full night's sleep with the television on. Interferes with the REM state. Am hoping that my eyelids are light enough to make it for the remainder of the day. It's been tough. Got Neo-2nite. Shyt. Today. I had to tell, a black woman who reminded me of someone's grandmother simply trying to give back to her community, that she was in violation of at least twenty compliance issues and I would have to halt biling into she was in full compliance. She began to cry. And I cried inside. I had a job to do, but.... My skin is not this thick. When I took this job I was in a "perfect" relationship. We lived nearly one thousand miles apart. I visited him. We had monthly get aways and mini vacations, in addition to the travel for my job. I never had to worry about missing anyone or anyone missing me. It was blissful... Or perhaps it was my youth and unwillingness to recognize that I was in a very unfulfilled relationship. It looked and seemed great. He was appropriate. As was I. He would call the hotels in advance and asked them to turn down my bed, order a meal from room service, leave me sweet messages on the phone prior to my arrival. Even asked the staff to turn the radio on to a smooth jazz station. I would call him, thanking him for the thoughtfulness, the choice with my meal, informed him of my day, yadda yadda yadda... I thought this was romance... And it was in a cheesy, unrealistic way. Neither of us had the energy to keep it up. Eventually I felt lonely, and as my confidence grew with living in a new city, (I had just moved to Austin) and with my new job, eventually the independent arrogance most women of color develop as they begin to hold it down (ALONE) contribute to the desire to just be free. I began to believe the relationship was more of a weight to keep me in place, than actually form a plan to forge a life together. Eventually, that led to me forcibly forcing a relationship which crumbled soon afterward, with he forcing the relationship, and me passively going along until I could no longer do it. I take credit now, as I did not want the relationship. I wanted the facade of the relationship. Now, I am happy in relationship. However, the romance is a lot different. Particularity on trips. We talk. We catch up. But there are no overt behaviors that cannot continue, that would be missed so much that the love wouldn't feel the same.. Making where the love is still good. We simply turn on the television to the show we fall asleep to nightly. An if fatigue prevents us from talking as long as we want, no matter where we are, we have the creature comfort of falling asleep to Law and Order.... And while it appears silly, having the television share my bed, if only for a few nights, it's familiar enough to mimic where I feel most loved....

Is that so.....

"Lately, your low self-esteem is just good common sense."
quoted from the motion picture Spanglish........

I am deliriously tired.... I am on my second week of travel. And while I am able to go home each Wednesday, just in time for Neo-Soul.... By the time I actually get that "much needed and highly anticipated restlessness" I never really catch up on my rest, it is time to begin to think about the next trip..... This job, while at times fulfilling, is not glamorous.
As I pulled into the drive way of the Renaissance, John, the valet, greets me, and upon opening the door of the rental car, "Hello, Ms. Taylor, should I check the menu at Eatzi's and order ahead for you, or shall you be dining there this evening? I bet you don't care much for this Durango, especially since you frequently drive the luxury sedans. A little to big for you, huh, and you hate the gas mileage. Is this your last stop?" He smiles pockets the keys, turns and says, "I know you're tired, so you're going going out again later tonight. Your job doesn't pay for the valet, so I'll keep the keys in my pocket until you return." Mind you, it's been, from my recollection, a few months since I did an audit in Dallas, and I know it's his job to know things, but whatdafck? He knew more then most people I know would know. Truth of the matter was I ABSOLUTELY HATED THE DURANGO, DIDN'T LIKE THE IDEA OF ANYONE, THE STATE OF TEXAS, TAXPAYERS, OR ME SPENDING 55.00 TO FILL IT UP AFTER GOING A MERE 200 MILES IF THAT... I WAS DOG TIRED, WAS NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO SLEEP, SO YES, I WAS LEAVING LATER TO GO TO EATZI'S TO PICK UP DINNER.
I wasn't feeling very good about myself, and I haven't for quite sometime. Recent events have given others an opportunity to express their opinions about me, the work I'm doing, or what I am doing personally. Feels pretty fcked up, and when you are tired, it's amplified. Tyler was a bust. Athens, cool, but I had to spend most of the day talking to an old acquaintance.. and while I didn't feel like talking to having lunch with her, I feared, I would get a bad evaluation, and Thursdays can be hell on me... The last thing I needed after being gone most of the week, dog tired, sleep deprived, was for my boss, or anyone for that matter to approach me with some bs... So I smiled, talked, and prayed patiently for the work to go smoothly. It did. So now, I'm patiently waiting, waiting for the opportunity to spread my wings and fly.... Hopefully next Tuesday, my fix, Floetry, will be what I need.... However, I leave two days later, on Thursday morning for Houston....

Tyler, Texas... Home of the Roses..

I am in Tyler, Texas. Home of the famous Tyler Roses... Hotel is sub-par, not barely livable, but.. It has it's issues. There are people who were left homeless by the recent wrath of Mother Nature residing here. Particularity Katrina. Now, mind you, that is not what makes the hotel sub-par... It's difficult to find 5 star accommodations in the "rural" areas of the State. My work travels throughout the great State of Texas, often leave me, speechless. Often, my appearance, coupled with my choice of words, as well as my use of the King's English throws people off. So often I get, "yue aint from 'roun 'hear. r u?" I take them as 1) upiddity ass nic'a. 2) who da hell do you think you are? 3) utter surprise, like some how, my locks are a badge of ignorance. Either way, I find it insulting... Anyway, the relocation of the those persons displaced by Hurricane Katrina, seemingly have left "folk" in these parts with a very bad taste in their mouths..... And I, a traveling professional, work hard at not personalizing things and using the race card.... Especially when I have to pay using the Mastercard with the State of Texas seal on it.... Along with my agency... Along with my name... I can hear it now.... So as I waited in on two occasions in two different restaurants for twenty minutes each time... I found myself swallowing curt comments and sarcastic comments after spying that I was one of few beautifully tinted mocha faces in each establishment... I bargained with the idea that they were busy, they were training people, they were new, they were preoccupied, having a bad day, sorting things out...... Anything other than what it seemingly appeared. Each time, when I was finally waited upon, I smiled, ordered my food, ate and left a nice tip... Even chit - chatted... However, my patience ran out an hour ago.... There is no real fcking cable..... And guess what? No one seems to know why, other than more than half the hotel guests are not paying for rooms, and fema has not paid them according to the front desk clerk (I over heard them talking and complaining about the "guests")... Thank God, I'm in Dallas tomorrow... Renaissance here I come...

A LONELY DATE

I got a date tonight with these two fellas... ELM's in Houston working... We can't seem to be in the city at the same time, so I will bide my time in front of the tv screen eating popcorn, writing the poems that are floating in my head, drinking water, listening to music (YES ALL AT THE SAME TIME) and maybe, just maybe, I'll fall asleep and wake up to the shade of those brown eyes I love so much....... just maybe... monday, Dallas..... the work of a state employee.... holla

As yet untitled....

She holds light in hand,
Speaks in the secret language of raindrops,
Smiles a million thunderstorms
which washes my blues away..
She moves like midtowne taxi
erratically racing

a top paved emotions
oft stalling at red lights held
upright by cracked asphalt
and concrete tombs
disguised in my words.
I fall upon dead silence
a quickened sound of flash
'tween red and green
stuck somewhere cautiously

on the yellow
of her light.


kdtaylor, 2006
section 8 coffee publishing
all rights reserved

Chicken, T-shirts and TV ..... Get it?

I'm tired as heck.... just had some Frenchy's chicken.. want to lay down... pretty much through with my work, and am on my way to the airport, to wait for my flight back to the ATX... Tiring ya know, if I don't get an early flight, basically, I go straight home, take a shower, and drive to Antonio's...Hosting our first official slam tonight... Slams are hard, you can't really be excited one way or the other, it shows favoritism... I never want to be accused of swaying the crowd, so I have to refrain... Gotta a hellacool Drunknmunky t-shirt...I shopped for t-shirts while in Houston. My goal is to wear a different t-shirt every Wednesday night... Let's see 365 divided by 7, equals about 52.1 Wednesdays in 2006.. It's becoming somewhat costly also, 'cuz I have to search hard, so that no one else has the t-shirt... I had to retire one because someone has one like it, so it can never be worn in public again, I fear we may show up at the same place with it on... I think ELM is rubbing off on me, I've never been too concerned about repeats, but it's fun in it's own way... Still walking around with these poems... Still haven't had time... Barely able to post.. Last night American Idol was so jacked up!! How many Stevie Wonder songs can you mess up in one night? Hella lot I guess, from watching the show... Sucks.. the L-Word killed off Dana!! It wasn't really shocking since a rumor started at the beginning of the season stating one of the characters would be killed.. Fucking Tina.. man, she needs to make up her mind, her sexuality is like a revolving door. And somebody please do something about MAX!!! Anyway.. caught the rerun of the Sopranos.... HOT SEASON in store... Anyway.. pray I get the early flight.... holla

Hotel Derek

So I'm in Houston. Staying at the Hotel Derek, supposedly Puff Daddy's Houston home, he takes out an entire floor whenever he's in town. The valet reports he's stayed for the Super Bowl, NBA All-Star weekend, and has reservations for the Essence Festival. I'm not mad impressed. The Hotel is a'ight. Especially if you like modern things.... Hard wood floor in the bathroom, a nice European bed which sits about three inches from the floor, if that high, glass shelving, and swank little pillows thrown strategically across the room. Nice vegetable soap for your body and milk soap for your face. Milk soap reminds me of my black soap, it's alright... Again, Hotel Derek, is a'ight. I love Puffy's clothes, not particularity his taste in hotels, though.. It is too metropolitan for me, the lobby was too damn dark, and way too many people greeting you and welcoming you back for a small tip... I don't think I could be famous, all the greeting and tipping mess got old quick.. Don't get me wrong I five and four star it everytime, but this was a bit different... Give me something with a home feel, I like Intercontinental (Holiday Inn Brand) and my favorite, the Renaissance Hotel (Marriott Brand), well, I'm used to it.... Houston, seemingly has become my second home for the month. Having been here three times in four weeks.. Thank goodness I am in Dallas next week. But back in Houston the following week. Work schedule is dragging me down... I got several poems in me, just no time to write them....

THE WEEKEND FROM HEAVEN!!!!!

Celebrated my one year and one month anniversary.. My gift to ELM, aside from a hard time..... is one month of "fanfckingtastic" muzic! Our very first official date last year was the Jill Scott concert... So, I'm trying to build a tradition... And Sunday was the first of three concerts, topped off at the end of the month with Goapelle and Floetry... Okay, I am a bit ahead of myself..... See the pic! Naw, check... C DA PIC? We jammed out last night at the Before After Party featuring "FUNK SWAY"... Doyle Bramhall 2, Questlove (of The Roots), Wendy and Lisa, Susannah Melvoin (Wendy's twin from The Family), Mike Elizando, James Poysner, and DJ Jazzy Jeff. Featuring, on vocals, the funkingly brilliant Miss South Dallas Ya'll, Erykah Badu..... It was a hella show.... Ending with DJ Jazzy Jeff doing the damn thing for a good 45 minutes..... I can't dance, but enjoyed the music.. I'm only getting started.... This year has been so good I am thinking of changing my name to 7.... Found the love of my life.... Losing my religion, finding my spirituality... Hosting (mixed blessing)... pronounced Kay Lee Ya and Lisa (New Orleans Poets) Christa Bell..... Twain.... A family of friends... Renewed kinships... Mary (I am getting around!) My Neo-soul fam... And the highlight of the year..... Drumroll....... I caught the drumstick that he used in the show.... Yea.. Baby, reached up in the air and snatched it down like a rebound... and later got in signed, by Mr. Afro himself, the one, the only, QUEST-LOVE of the LEGENDARY ROOTS CREW!!!!! (somebody's got to be there when it gets ugly!) And l8r, it only got gr8r... We met fcking Wendy and Lisa..... You know... look at the pic again.. Wendy?.. Yes Lisa.. Is the water warm enough?... Yes, Lisa.... Shall we begin? Yes, Lisa..... James Poyser walked around.... man... man.. man... If this is an indication of my year.... WoW.. God... can't wait for it to unfold...

K.O.R.I.M. Can You Say I'm # 1 and NU York City!

From my point of view, the future of poetry is safe and in very good hands....... His MoM knew it. We knew it. Hustle called it. Keye ran the feature... http://www.keyetv.com/video/?id=4539@keye.dayport.com Now the whole world knows.... Congratulations to Korim!!! Well done young man.. Well done. He is the Austin Under 21 Youth Slam Champion..It was a phenomenal evening... Thanks Korim and Poet in Law for allowing me to be a small part of your village!!!!

If I can brag on myself, I picked 3 of the 4 team members.... Korim, Kelsey, and Prophet. This year, was once again a heartbreaking situation. Last year, I watched Korim fall short after having a slam off with Phillip, who would go on to be the Under 21 Slam Champion. This year, I watched Shannon fall in the first round.......

Congratulations to all that graced the stage last night. Win or lose you all were absolutely amazing....

TO A FRIEND..

TO A FRIEND...
Sometimes the most foolish thing you can do is continue in a relationship, that in the minds of most reasonable, rational, clear-thinking, healthy individuals would be easily identified as a mistake, walk away from and never look back. Not us. It is our dis-EASE that causes us to seek approval from people whom, we may never ever, receive it from. There will be few nods and little recognition. We love, people, who, are emotionally unavailable, or weighed with past hurts and distrusts which prevent them from trusting us, our behaviors and our words. People who can never see us for who were are. People who, say they want someone to love them unconditionally. Love them with conviction. Love them with passion. But can never return the same love. It is foreign, a mythical illusion which they believe is possible for themselves, but are limited in their capacity to let go and love. To be vulnerable. Yet we continue try, believing somehow that we will say the right thing, do the right thing, become angry enough to snap them into reality, see us for who we are, and say "I am a changed person. Wow, I've been waiting for you all my life! Look what you've done." That realization never occurs, we are left healing in the hurt we caused for ourselves. Leaving us empty, leaving us selfless. Perhaps it is in fact, a self-esteem issue, disguised in arrogance and false confidence. Or a quiet weakened dignity that allows us to accept less than what we truly deserve. It hurts and we lash. We lash out in angered disappointment despising ourselves with each word. Words which are in fact boomerangs, means of us telling ourselves the truth. The curses and spewed hate aimed at another are self inflicting, designed to humiliate the core of ourselves. I hurt, so shall you.......
Love wrapped in a shiny paper laced with ignored ignorance and plummeting self worth has a way of preventing us from seeing the truth.... It is not love...
Depending on another for your happiness or a definition of who you are is foolhearted. Yet, you do... Disillusioned, and hurt, you swallow tears choking on the bland reality that perhaps this is what love is truly about. It is not. And while you may fear being alone, you will learn that those you are most attracted to share your dis-EASE, even if their symptoms are the polar opposite of yours. There are no knights in shining armor or princesses to be rescued from towers. There are no magical shoes or beans. A kiss will never wake you from that comatose state. No dwarves will pop out of the woods to assist you in healing until you are able to love again. There is no Captain John Smith to see your exotic beauty and truly appreciate it. There is no one who will wage wars to protect your name and reputation. The reality is unless we change our behaviors, there will be no happy endings, only endless marathons of promises soon to be broken and infinite final goodbyes left unspoken. Waking every morning believing today will be the last one with no weakened hello at the end of the day to help us forget. An elixir numbing the pain and disappointment that you will call love. The saddened state you would call a relationship. Because you are afraid to leave. And fear remaining...... So you stand, face to face, deadlocked... In silent apprehension and brazen dread... Not wanting to accept the truth of the emotion or the moment of truth. Nobody moves no one gets hurt.. but Baby girl, someone has to move and yes, someone will always get hurt.....

You know it's Hard....

Academy Award Winning Songs -- this year, these great songs are joined by the *itches & hoes song

"Damn.... You know it's hard out for a pimp."
"You ain't knowin!"

Even harder for the Academy Awards. Wonder what they were thinking? Denzel wins for playing a gangster/cop/thug, with no recognition for playing one of the most notable leaders in the free world. Halle wins for sleeping with a brother with another color.. Billy Bob is cool as a fan. Don't front. Wanda won last year for Ray. Don't get me started with Whoopie. Sidney is, or was, a wife beater. Morgan. Hey can't really say too much, just happy he didn't win for driving Miss Daisy's ass around. Louis. He is and will remain a man. But his ass was a little off in an Officer and a Gentleman. Hattie and James, well, they still didn't allow blacks to be aired, so... Cuba acted an ass, so we still can't forgive him or his freaking buffoonery. Notable black actors, actresses, and The Q, all of which failed to earn an Oscar: Dexter Gordon in Round Midnight? Oprah, even tho' I can't stand her ass, The Color Purple? Diana's drunk ass, or was she really acting, in Lady Sings the Blues? Michael Clarke Duncan, The Green Mile? Q (Quincy Jones), The Color Purple, The Eyes of Love, In Cold Blood, and For Love of Ivy? Don't get me wrong I love 3 Six Mafia, but not that damn much... Not that damn much...

loved one comment, very notable: "I am really glad Hollywood did this. It makes them all look like PIMPS."

White Balloons

white balloons mistaken for clouds float
drift on thin air to explode
bursting into confetti streams of idealism
it's all a facade and I fall
I fall from alternate reality
to bitter consciousness
into perpetual dream - state
and wonder
life before birth
death after birth
last night I dreamt I died
I drowned in muddy waters filled with
teardrops my pillow could no longer contain
and perspiration which could no longer shield my pain
I suffocated on the bland reality of my existence...
and if the shell I call flesh has been successfully deceptive
in this lifetime I was an ant
my life was stomped out of me
a karmic vision.
my last breath sucked from my soul
caught in a vacuum
like that from my womb.
I exist only in memories and dreams in shades of gray
colorless, except for the bloodstains
we walk foothill path separately,
together
my grand and I.
together, separately in thought.
she says she met great grand twin sons
at crooked fork in road.
she asks, "why?"
I, heavy tongued could only ponder.
did not want to answer,
Could only say
I don't have the love to carry my lifetime's weight.
nightly, I die to shed the pain of rejection.
isolation steals happiness that hides in the corner of my mind
I pray for nightfall because sleep always comes on time.
the shadows are the only lovers I know.
I seek refuge in the arms of silhouettes.
Find comfort in the haunting imprints that remain long after you're gone.
the sun's rays chill and freeze an already embittered heart.
I have nothing to give to myself
what I give to others is never enough.
I am a vessel thru which much flows, but I remain empty.
nightly, I die in hopes to shed this fleshy shell
and be reborn,
reincarnated
but the heart remains always taunting me.
I cannot escape exhausted eyes
which seek no resolution
only avoidance of pain and loss
my arms reach for the unattainable
in life they are always too short
not swift enough to embrace reality
so I pray for the darkness in silence
the stillness of being alone
in black and white dreams I am lifeless
weightless,
no gravitational pull to the womb
I am colorless
disconnected.
disassociated.
each dawn my destiny manifested
in the vacuum of a white balloon
mistaken for clouds.
there I hide
floaing on thin air
bursting
exploding
falling
to dawn...

ktaylor 2006

miss you....

Openly, I want to share with the world the love and admiration I have for you. To let them know that no matter what they thought from that faithful day to this very moment, exact space, next breath, that we... well, you know. You've always known. So who, who would have thought that the moment I, with no memories in hand, intimacy in words, insistence in fleeting hugs, would have to exhale goodbye... and inhale the bitter heat and air from the exhaust and my exhaustion...... Feet heavy unable to catch you. And while you stood your ground, never leaving, never questioning, the tears that welled in my eyes would be what quenched your thirst. Leaving me dry. You asked "why do you fear?" I replied, "because I live." I didn't quite finish.. "because I live vicariously thru your smiles, the brown in your eyes serve as sunrise, the sweetness of your breath, slightly above my neck proof there is a GOD." And tonight, as the sun sets, and I must clutch pillows that have stolen your scent poorly mimicking your touch, clutching blankets that are much too heavy.... Reminding me.. Reminding me of you... You asked, "why are you crying." I replied, "because I don't want to be reminded." I didn't quite finish. I don't want to remember a day, a night, a moment, a thought, a space, a tear, a smile, a kiss, a dream, a hug, a laugh, a sunrise, a tv show, a voice, a late night talk, a long walk, a star, a season, a leaf, a rain drop, a shower, a giggle, a telephone ring, and all the other mundanely, inaudibly exciting things that occur in my daily life without you..... Openly, I want to share that with the world, but instead I'll share it with you.... I miss you.