Falling Asleep to Law and Order

I have fallen asleep to Law and Order the last two nights... I am extremely tired, as moist know you can't get a full night's sleep with the television on. Interferes with the REM state. Am hoping that my eyelids are light enough to make it for the remainder of the day. It's been tough. Got Neo-2nite. Shyt. Today. I had to tell, a black woman who reminded me of someone's grandmother simply trying to give back to her community, that she was in violation of at least twenty compliance issues and I would have to halt biling into she was in full compliance. She began to cry. And I cried inside. I had a job to do, but.... My skin is not this thick. When I took this job I was in a "perfect" relationship. We lived nearly one thousand miles apart. I visited him. We had monthly get aways and mini vacations, in addition to the travel for my job. I never had to worry about missing anyone or anyone missing me. It was blissful... Or perhaps it was my youth and unwillingness to recognize that I was in a very unfulfilled relationship. It looked and seemed great. He was appropriate. As was I. He would call the hotels in advance and asked them to turn down my bed, order a meal from room service, leave me sweet messages on the phone prior to my arrival. Even asked the staff to turn the radio on to a smooth jazz station. I would call him, thanking him for the thoughtfulness, the choice with my meal, informed him of my day, yadda yadda yadda... I thought this was romance... And it was in a cheesy, unrealistic way. Neither of us had the energy to keep it up. Eventually I felt lonely, and as my confidence grew with living in a new city, (I had just moved to Austin) and with my new job, eventually the independent arrogance most women of color develop as they begin to hold it down (ALONE) contribute to the desire to just be free. I began to believe the relationship was more of a weight to keep me in place, than actually form a plan to forge a life together. Eventually, that led to me forcibly forcing a relationship which crumbled soon afterward, with he forcing the relationship, and me passively going along until I could no longer do it. I take credit now, as I did not want the relationship. I wanted the facade of the relationship. Now, I am happy in relationship. However, the romance is a lot different. Particularity on trips. We talk. We catch up. But there are no overt behaviors that cannot continue, that would be missed so much that the love wouldn't feel the same.. Making where the love is still good. We simply turn on the television to the show we fall asleep to nightly. An if fatigue prevents us from talking as long as we want, no matter where we are, we have the creature comfort of falling asleep to Law and Order.... And while it appears silly, having the television share my bed, if only for a few nights, it's familiar enough to mimic where I feel most loved....