seconds

seconds of air

and

words

exchanged

are better than none.......

I am not good at these things...

Never have been...

I am not sure where to start.

Everyone I've ever believed truly loved me no longer walks upon the Earth. No! I am not a martyr.

I have never been able to foster and develop the most important relationship in a child's life outside of one with the creator. One with my mother...

NOT AN EXCUSe...

My REALiTY.

For that reason, it is difficult for me to connect with another human being... I LONG FOR intimate relationships (platonic and romantic).. Yet I struggle... How do I know how to love unconditionally when the blue print or the how to guide in my DNA remains neatly folded tucked away in my mind's heart...

Everyone else I believed TRULY loved me died before I was 11. My Great Grand was the last one.... I had glimpses in a favorite Aunt who passed away days before I was to return home for my HS reunion....

My Grand was a difficult woman. I believed I spent most of my life trying to make her proud or show a sign that she genuinely loved me... I mean I know she loved me, it's just... well...

This is not some no one loved me as a kid stuff.... I was loved... yet

My adult significant other relationships have been based upon my relationship with my Grand. Which means I have spent my life loving someone more than they loved me. Trying to make them love me which often led to relationships which failed miserably... Each of them reeked of my Grand. They were also plagued with my dysfunction and disconnect...

YOU... make me want to connect on so many levels... YOU.. are my great grand's love. YOU.. are my mother's love...

AND I AM SO AFRAID.....

How do I make this work in the absence of fear and dysfunction?

YOU love me and I know it. I feel it in every breath that fills my lungs.... And while I will attempt to minimize and downplay my feeling for you in a crowded room of strangers and people I'm really... not trying to impress....

I LOVE YOU!!! And I don't know what's so friggin hard about that....

I love you.... And I won't squander another day trying to suppress my feeling out of fear. and routine. and friggin laziness...

i love you... and i will never deny the depth of that love to anyone ever again....

even if you don't recognize...

me... I'm still here...


happy birthday Grand....

Margaret R. Belisle...

Autumn Leaves

We have

Had

our season....

It doesn't mean Autumn is no longer my favorite ...

It is...

It remains the same nostalgic beauty pulling blood and conjuring blues from my soul..

A pleasurable pain, I must learn to forget...

just not (ready) yet...

September, while painful, nearly a favorite month, as it is.. the ending and beginning.

Sometimes we have to start at the end to get back to the middle..

I don't want the beginning..

U...

have always, will always be.. the middle.

I hold a tear in each palm..

praying...

they find their way back to each other

in some form...

even if they evaporate

slip into gaseous state

from friction

angered heat

or fear...

they. u. me.

existed.

I'm here

drop(ping)... Leaves

Leaves,

Fall,

Cool breezes carry memories I can't shake.. The anticipation of colder leaner months, chill my bones and cause my thoughts to chatter anxiously like teeth clip click clapping a top one another in the dead of Winter.

Leaves under feet, crush, crackle and I think of laughter and smiles..

Your laughter. Your smile.

Thoughts clip click clap chatter... shaking feelings chilling my bones...

It's mid Autumn.

Trees, much like our connection... sparse and barren..

Lonely disconnects waiting for warmth moisture

Doesn't mean I don't reminiscence....

Doesn't mean I don't stand in the emotion despite the anticipation of OUR COLD winter chill ever present in mood and rooms..

Perhaps you will never know...

Reds, browns and golds remain my favorite color....

The smell of cracked burning wood causes my heart to flutter...

And the leaves, well, they carry their simple message upon the missing breeze.....

absent, yet present.

"the body, not spirit, always leaves...

remember me in the leaves... look for me in the spring..."

kdtaylor, 2009

after

no one told me it would hurt this

good

bad

cannot imagine

that pain

dabbed precisely 'round the earlobes

smells

bitter sweet..

(ever) lasting

sweet thick like molasses

(soon turning stomachs)


nothing else/ doesn't matter..

the smell

like U

remains...

as does the pain..

it's not good

or bad...

just is...

and i pray

u caught a glimpse

of yearn,

wane

and apologies

from my eyes..

caught a whiff

of U/ME/US

in the air

AS

i continue to dab slightly

the haunting familiar

behind my...

kdtaylor, 2009

singing

you have placed a song in my heart.... the words, like my love for you intensify each day. making it more difficult to articulate. i can't sing. nor can i dance.. yet there is a beat. a rhythm. a tune. i bob my head to the beat resonating in my blood cells, forcing my heart to skip beats and scratch memories of a previous life without you from my skin...