E. Zora Knight

My photo
a special order, straight queer and strong black.

2005-06-28

maybe you'll love me when i fade to black.... Jay Z

They say "they never really miss you til you dead or you gone"
So on that note I'm leaving after this blog.....
borrowed from Jay Z
changed without his permission

Nev'r Buy 'Em Shoes and Other Tales" as told by Mae Lou"

My great-grandmother used to say to us "never buy the (wo)man in your life shoes. They will use them to walk away from you. Never date a (wo)man with small ears, they are stingy, and will never spend money on you, the way you would spend it on them. Never eat pork before you go to bed, it'll surely give you nightmares. Never make an ugly(wo)man mad, they'll try to scar you, physically and mentally. (She meant ugliness that you could see and feel.) Say your prayers anytime you like, 'cuz God is always listening."
As a child, I was spellbound, as I listened to her stories, told often while she was "greazin' my scalp, brushing my hair, or combing my head." I sat on a pillow, scrunched on my knees, between her thighs. Clinging to every word as if my life depended upon it. I believed that this was the best classroom ever, the things she said were gospel. She would quote the bible, tell me stories about my family, and we would sing. But mostly, she would teach me, she taught little lessons about life. Lessons that were near and dear to my heart until her death. She died when I was eleven years old. Subsequently, 11 is my favorite number. I carried the lessons for many years, until the memories faded, like her picture which hung in our family room. Young adulthood and college awaited. When I got to undergrad I believed no one could/would dictate me, my life, nor would they challenge my beliefs and values, yet I would absorb everything like a sponge. Applying only that which seemed to coincide with my life. So, as I was "educated" I abandoned those "simple, country lessons", dismissed them as her way of entertaining a small child. I continued to love her for it. However, I did not abandon three ideas for many years: don't date anyone with small ears, never buy them shoes, pray anytime you like, 'cuz God was listening.
I have since dated a man with small ears. He'd say he was frugal. I'd say he was cheap and stingy, so were all the small eared people my friends dated. I have loved and later been in love. Because of the first love, I was able to enter another adult like relationship with a greater capacity to love another more then I'd ever loved in this lifetime. Both of which I purchased shoes. One, I got to watch walk away in the shoes. As I watched the heel of the "neatly priced" Cole Haan's disappear into the darkness. I remembered the sound of my great-grandmother's voice, the snuff on her breath, the gentleness in her tone and hands as she massaged some homemade concoction in my head. I had to laugh. Did we break up because I bought some shoes? No, but at the time I wanted to take the shoes back. This was not my first relationship. But this was the first I truly attempted to give all my heart and love to another. I later learned the relationship was what I needed at the time, not for a lifetime. Nothing more. I later learned this lesson. There were positive and negative lessons learned during the course of that relationship. I didn't, however, learn not to buy another pair of shoes.
I purchased another pair of shoes, for yet, another love interest. When I picked them, I thought they were needed. Nice, comfortable. Nothing elaborate. I did not think of the lesson my great-grandmother taught me, until I was out of the store. I was relieved when they didn't fit. I carried them in my car for a few days contemplating if I should return the shoes for a smaller size, or lie and say they didn't have anymore. I feared the "shoe thing" could be true. But, I didn't lie nor did I share my notion. I just returned the shoes for a smaller size. I did exchange them, because the store was out of the ones I originally purchased. Nonetheless, it happened again. Except I didn't get the opportunity to watch them walk away into the darkness or the light for that matter. So I ask the infamous question as quoted by Mars Blackmon, "Money, is it the shoes?". Obviously it's not the shoes. But I do know that I am going to revisit those little lessons and apply them to my life. Starting with if I really love the person I am not going to buy any damn shoes.
Oh yea, the third one? Well, I'm praying right now, for me, you, the pair of Cole Haans and the pair of Adidas, this blog is a kind of prayer, ya know? 'Cuz I know God is always listening.

2005-06-22

No, Thanks, I've Had Enough..... But While You're At It, Can You Slap Me One More Time?

Ever get your fill of people? I mean really your fill? Like you cannot take one more thing? Not even a hint of something, anything, whatever? Like if the MF said one more thing to you, you would explode like a fat man getting his fifth helping at a free buffet? That's about how I feel. Am I going to stop in mid track along my path of self actualization and discovery? Hell, no! See, I am standing in the middle of my little path, and a representative stands before me talking as if I actually give a rat's a$$ about what is being said. You know the representative don't you? Not the actual person, but the lie, no facade, they use to meet you, get you caught up with them. Only to find they are another fcking person, sometimes not even human. I'm not stupid. I've been here before. I know where to look. I know it's a puppet, a mere likeness, 'cuz I hear and see this devil spawn hiding midst the brush.

Enough ranting.... As you can see I am frustrated. I try to love and be liked. I don't expect to be loved. I told someone today that I awaken each morning attempting to do what's in and on my heart without thought of personal gain and perceived consequences. I was met with, I paraphrase, "that's good in theory, but...". I responded with, "I try diligently to keep myself honest by asking myself what are my motives?" Again, met with what I perceived as resistance. I did understand her point. She was patient and gentle with the comment as not to offend me. That type information is cool, serves as a dialogue. No arguments, only listened. Again, I try to love and be liked. Nothing more. Do I crave love, a true sense of understanding? Hell yes. I am FCKING TIRED OF UNDERSTANDING OTHERS, CAN ONE DAMN PERSON ATTEMPT TO UNDERSTAND ME... (at least for a mere five minutes of the day?) I promise I'll give you a dollar....

I've had enough ALREADY..... I am tired of "some friends" trying little interventions in an effort to make me more like them (docile, victims of group speak and group think, ill imaginative, lacking originality, shall I go on?). I am tired of understanding things that cut my core and hurt my soul. (You don't know you're doing it 'cuz I keep my mouth closed. I ALLOW YOU TO DO YOU.... ALLOW ME TO DO ME.) I am tired of people thinking they know what's best and verbalizing such, when they only know the fckin' 1/13 I am allowing them to see. I don't lie too much about who I am. Watch my feet. I am always me. Proud of it. But, I lost a friend, I think she was a friend, because I told her who I was from day one. No I really told her who I was, and she decided she wished to befriend me anyway. No, really, why is she mad? Just stop speaking? Because I was who I said I was and she wasn't who she said she was. I never changed, but she believed she could change me. Kind of like women do men. Believe me I know, they don't change. No matter what you do. And I am not going to change, unless I want to.....

I've had enough, really my cup is full. No, thanks, I'm really okay. No, it's sweet enough. No, I don't like a lot of sugar it's not good for you. Be careful, I almost spilled it. Why are you trying to take the cup from me? Opps, I'm sorry, I spilled the cup's contents on me. No, you were only trying to help, you weren't really jerking the cup from me? You weren't trying to fix it when I said it was fine.... Were you? Ohh, I see. No, it's not ruined. It just burns a bit. Maybe if you slap the shyt out of me, I will forget about the burning in my chest and concentrate on the sting you will leave on the left side of my face. What you'd say? Yes, I meant it. Yes, please, the next time just slap me and walk the hell away.. It'll only sting for a minute, but you never have to come back this way again...

2005-06-21

MO.... Thanks for the Insight on Loving a Poet

I was catching up on blogger sites. My SISTERMENTORFRIEND, Mo put some interesting comments regarding poets and dating. As a practice, I do not date poets, nor do I want to date a poetry lovers (often disguised as poets who have not found their voice, but have the words down pact). I believe, like she, that we (poets) are well verse, overly imaginative and at times, manipulative. I will be honest, my overactive imagination has put me in some emotionally sound places, and at times it has placed me in the depths of what I would describe as HELL on an iron pole stuck to my brown round. I think of myself as a romantic, I dream of childlike fairy tale love, and I attempt to make my love life a never ending poem. I dream of endless nights of wrestling with the sheets and each other, kisses which brim with heated passion and smiles which could pave my way from Austin, Texas to Harlemworld, USA, barefoot in gasoline drawers. In other words I would travel that uncharted territory of an undiscovered realm in Dante’s Inferno for the one I love. We would live and die in the gaze of our eyes. I want that Ozzie/Ruby Dee kind of adoration and love. Ya feel me? I, too, am guilty of unbridled passion, and dime store seduction served on a million dollar platter.
Yet, I am aware that I am CRAZY as hell, when it comes to love. Yet, I have to love you. And that doesn’t come often. I have been attracted to people and spent my time with them, yet, seldom been consumed with them. But once consumed, I do not know how to love in moderation. Cannot tame it. And she’s absolutely right, I do not WANT SOMEONE EXACTLY LIKE ME. I could not imagine it. We would tear some mess apart. I have seen it for myself.
Despite this, in love, I have felt cheated, particularly when I believed the intensity and passion were not matched. I have been left desiring, restless and wanting… At times, you need the mastery of an artist to give you that lift, sweep you off your feet. Even if it’s a simple “Roses are red….”. I was asked once if I felt cheated because I was willing to give so much of my soul, my heart. I could not explain that the love relationship was prose and that moment was an unpenned sonnet, a chapter in a story yet to unfold. I could not bring verse to lips as easily as I could the lie that spewed for what I seemingly deemed as protection.
But here is an excerpt from my personal transgressions, or immortalization if you will:

Oshun, in past life, was I your man,
and you, my woman?
was it I who yearned for your touch,
my needs unfulfilled during
those sultry nights
under the lustful stars in Banjul?
I, who lingered around the Gambia River
stealth like, to steal glimpses of you
as you disrobed
and I watched you bathe?
I, envious, of the morning sun
as she kissed droplets of moisture
as it caramelized your skin.
skin, I longed to taste.
your sugary sensuality
continues to haunt me.
I have since shed
skin of past life,
yet you drip,
from the pout of my lips
as I reminisce.
has it been your passion
that resonates in my heartbeat
echoing in the shell of my lifeless soul?
has it been your harmony
that I sing when I search for comfort?
I float tears of Harlem’s river
as she is the only lover I know.
her melody lulls me to uneasy slumber,
as I pine for the richness of your thickness
crave the delicacy of your sweetness,

2005-06-19

father's day....

My Dad is my sometime, unlikely hero, but I worship the ground he walks upon. He is also my only surviving biological parent. He has had that role for quite sometime. I have attempted in my adulthood to emulate his persona. He, like me, is a legend (in our own minds). Somethings come naturally, particularity talking, talking shit, and talking noise. (Southerners know the difference!) And playing dominos. While he has never met a stranger, I often chose strangers. That's my politically correct way of saying that I am a lot more selective than he. My dad is an accomplished flirt, irresistibly charming, and is smooth as butter on a steamy hot roll. He also has paid dearly for it, four girls before he ever had a son. Like any daddy's girl, I repeatedly became involved and once, slipped in love, with men who had all of his characteristics. They, like him, were also sometime, unlikely heroes in my made for real life dramas. To my Daddy, I love you, Happy Father's Day.
Today, had me in a particularity pensive place. (Can you say it five times really fast?) Ever met someone who just knows how to parent? I think maybe because he was reared in a house full of men, and a Mother who expected nothing less, he became the image of his father and brothers. *(SIDEBAR: His mother is so cute it's ridiculous. You have to see their house at Xmas.) A Man and A Father, this occured probably before he entered his teens. I must note he does not walk on water, but it would only gather around his ankles if he tried, because he can be antagnotistically stubborn. Something I believe he's earned honestly. My dear friend, B (one of my bookends) who serves as my sometime father, brother, uncle, surrogate husband, and at times grandfather has no children. Biologically that is. Yet, I found myself wanting to call him and wish him a Happy Father's Day. Even wanted to buy him a goofy ass tie, an ill humored card and take him out to a buffet. I wanted to do this for two reasons, 1) my dad lives nearly 400 miles away and he is taking care of my ailing grandmother. (Who says sons do not take care of their Mothers?) His wish was for me to stay in Austin (for personal reasons). 2) B is a great frigging childless father. If I were a single mother with no man, hell, I could even have a someone in my life, this MAN would be apart of my child's rearing. Until recently, if he and I had ever found ourselves in a situation where either of us wanted children before we got too old, I would ask him in a heartbeat. If I wanted children in my current situation. DITTO. Well, if his situation was different. I don't know if either of us would follow thru with it, our shared value system would probably keep us from ever making that type of decision, but....you get the jest? Right? Anyway, aside from thinking of my Dad, I thought of him... Langston, Happy Father's Day and I love you.
Hustle, I wish you a Happy Father's Day as well. Baby Hustle is on his way...
Lastly to my GIRLS that serve as a Mother/Father/Parent and continue to hold it down, making a home for their babies. (I don't want your business on the internet, so no names are printed)...... Happy Father's Day, I love you. Especially those of you attempting to rear a STRONG MALE who will soon recognize his strength in being a RESPONSIBLE MAN thru your will for him to become and be BETTER...I admire you, your courage and personal determination....
13......

2005-06-18

Main Entry: nurse 2 : one that looks after, fosters, or advises

I have pondered undergoing a career change. My family members are employed in two areas: nursing and social work. Not surprising, given the genealogy. We either want to give you medicine to help you heal or discuss with you what we just did to f' you up in the first place. I majored in both English and Psychology while in Undergrad. I, too, wanted to follow in my grandmother, mother, aunt, cousin and sister's footsteps and become a nurse. (My great-grandmother was a mid-wife). But my Grand(mother) told me during my prepuberescence that I lacked bedside manner, and that I would fair well as the family's first attorney. Specifically, because I liked to debate (argue) with anyone and everyone. Regardless of age and familial status. If I felt I was right, I was relentless in my approach, some would say I was particularity ruthless for an eleven year old. For the last year, I have thought about entering a Nursing Program and pursue an additional degree, BSN (Psychiatric Nursing). I thought it would be a great combination. It would not encompass a lot of the blood and gore related to "traditional" nursing, and it would be helpful in my current career in the Mental Health setting.
Perhaps my Grand(mother) was correct, yet incorrect in the same breath. It is not the lack of bedside manner, just the overwhelming desire.... I am ahead of myself...
It is SCARY AS HELL to rely on someone else or to see yourself as helpless. Perhaps 90% of all complications during recovery are related to people desiring their INDEPENDENCE. Can I blame them? I have to think of the times I required surgery and how I prolonged the procedures as I wanted to "make sure" the time was right. Actually, I had to get used to the idea of being "helpless" and having to rely on another human being. All this taps into personal trust issues. YOU HAVE TO REALLY TRUST SOMEONE IN ORDER TO PLACE YOUR LIFE INTO THEIR HANDS. Am I trustworthy? I'd like to believe so, however, if posed with the idea of trusting another human being, I'd have to say "no, maybe, uhhhh!". You have to trust yourself before you can trust another. And I have an overwhelming desire to ensure the few who are near and dear to me that I am trustworthy. Funny, I play the same game with myself.
I had an opportunity to help someone particularity close to me the past few days. I learned a lot about myself. I can be a pain in the ass!! Always trying to help, always trying to make sure the patient was comfortable, always, always, always.. Was I reminder that "it was not medically indicated" for her to perform simple functions that let's you know you are alive, like making yourself something to eat and drink, going outside and sit on your porch. Were my urgings and constant reminders of the Dr.'s orders contributing to feeling of helplessness, which fueled the desire to "show" not only me, but herself her personal determination and will? They say you can't keep a good (wo)man down. And she was determined not to stay down. I admired that quality in her. As I have displayed it in the past. I am extremely grateful that she trusted me to "look" after her, 'cuz she surely showed that she could "take care of herself."
So perhaps it is not bedside manner that keeps from following the family's footsteps. It is my personal struggles with trust and letting go. While at times I truly admired her "will", I fought her every step of the way. Not recognizing the essence of the idea of nursing (look after, foster and advise). Not trusting that she knew what she was doing, and at times truly needed to do it for peace of mind. And that, my idea of helping was interference and not "to promote the development or progress," another definition of the verb nurse. Either way, both require "trust", trust that the person has an idea of what they are doing, and if there is a lesson, they must learn it for themselves.
The patient, well, she seems to be doing well. The nurse? Well, I am nursing a bruised ego....

2005-06-14

All this from colored boxes?

Your Existing Situation
Active, outgoing, and restless. Feels frustrated by the slowness with which events develop along the desired lines. This leads to irritability, changeability, and lack of persistence when pursuing a given objective.

Your Stress Sources
Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the herd. Her control of her sensual instincts restricts her ability to give herself, but the resulting isolation leads to the urge to surrender and allow herself to merge with another. This disturbs her. As such instincts are regarded as weaknesses to be overcome; she feels that only by continued self-restraint can she hope to maintain her attitude of individual superiority. Wants to be loved or admired for herself alone; needs attention, recognition, and the esteem of others.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Emotionally inhibited. Feels forced to compromise, making it difficult for her to form a stable emotional attachment.
The situation is preventing her from establishing herself, but she feels she must make the best of things as they are.

Your Desired Objective
Wants interesting and exciting things to happen. Able to make herself well-liked by her obvious interest and by the very openness of her charm. Over-imaginative and given to fantasy or day-dreaming.

Your Actual Problem
Has a fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants. This leads her to employ great personal charm in her dealings with others, hoping that this will make it easier for her to reach her objectives.

Your Actual Problem #2
Greatly impressed by the unique, by originality, and by individuals of outstanding characteristics. Tries to emulate the characteristics she admires and to display originality in her own personality.

I'm developing allergies of some sort. Or I'm extremely stressed and am breaking out in hives. Either way, I have an itch I cannot seem to satisfyingly scratch. Metaphorically speaking, yet the theme of my current life's situation. I have done some soul searching in an attempt to recognize the source. Do I have a food allergy? Is it something in the air? My job? My house? Finances? Personal relationships? I have found myself in a pretty good place, physically and emotionally. But am I really satisfied, or am I lying to myself? Could things be better? Yes, of course. Yet, I don't pray for the lottery, perfection, the unattainable, just a 20% raise (I love my job) or, a similar job with 20% more money (again, I love my job). Why 20%, because I'm not greedy. 'Cuz I want to be comfortable. 'Cuz I imagine it would be enough. I don't want more then my share, just enough. Now, if the GODS of the heaven's and earth's are listening, more is cool. I won't turn it down. You know?
I also pray, want, have a need for, desire unconditional love. I pray that I have a love in my life that is free of fear, insecurities, and selfishness. I am working at attempting to be selfless and to love others in the purest form. And no, I am not attempting to do that with everyone. Just one person at a time. It is a personal quest. I believe by doing so it will free me of much negativity. I've even stopped responding to what I deem stupid and judgmental comments made about my behavior and character, under the guise that it's cute, and they know me so well. I smile, and allow them to be themselves. I secretly pray that they would allow me the same peace of mind. To allow me to be me, free of NAME CALLING OR DESCRIPTIVE REGARDING MY BEHAVIOR.... I wonder what would happen if I called one friend's behavior that of a busy body, another's nosy, or another's holier then thou.. You get the picture? I would be wrong. Or if I were to practice my idea of being nonjudgmental, deemed the behavior unacceptable and separated myself from them I would be wrong, why is 13 not speaking to me, etc. But they just don't get it. They don't get that pebbles thrown do come back as stones to bust you in the ass when you least expect it.... It's karma. So 20% more finances and unconditional love (a form of spirituality) have been the constant themes of 2005.
As far as the itch goes, my stress source is pretty accurate. It is also a direct contradiction, the opposite direction of the path I am attempting to follow. And my actual problem #2 is getting me into trouble as I attempt to implement the political savvy of my Boy Langston aka B into my everyday life. Not trouble in the sense of, "it's not working", in fact it is, but it has put me on this path, of wanting to do and be better. And wanting to be better is a direct result of my current relationship. Another quest, as stated earlier unconditional love. There's nothing more then allowing yourself to become the person you see in the reflection of your love's eyes. I can say it feels good on days when I've been that person. The one that brings smiles to eyes and lips. Funny how the mind works.....
And I got all of this from playing with a few colored boxes......
check it out....
www.ColorQuiz.com

2005-06-13

I threw a stone once.............. and it came back to hit me!!!

Fade2Black
"Watcha duin? You at work?" asked familiar voice thru celluar wires, reminding me of penny candy, pep squad and sock hops. "I had to leave work, they are announcing the verdict."
"26 year. You are a fool. You left work?"
"You know it. Mike is my boy. They can't let the King of Pop go to jail."
"You are one loyal fan. I bet you still have that Thriller poster. Your room was full of that Michael Jackson stuff."
"That's my boy, always has been. You know he ain't guilty, he just got some problems. I wonder if they sold his soul for that fame and fortune. His mother is sitting there looking like, 'My poor baby. What have I done.'"
"Uhh, if they did, the devil's already taken his revenge. Look at that fool's face. I'll quote Chris Rock, a la Whitney Houston. 'I ain't saying he's a molester, he's just molesterISH.' I don't know, he might really be doing something. Maybe after all this is said and done, someone will come forward with some actual proof. Or they'll find a bunch of bodies on his ranch."
Laughter...
"Don't say that! He just needs some help.... Girl, they got people standing outside on cell phones, carrying signs.. Wait, they are announcing the results..."
"Count one, indecency with a child we find the................ not guilty." muffled sound from t.v.
"Can you hear it?"
"Yes," I say, "They aren't going to find him guilty.. The people that come forward never have a solid case."
"Girl, they have a woman on tv releasing doves as they announce the verdict."
"Doves?"
"Yea, she's kissing them and setting them free as they announce each not guilty verdict."
"You got to be kidding me."
"Naw."
"She's releasing doves? I wonder if she'll let him babysit."
"Probably not, but, he's still the King of Pop. And he's not guilty on all counts."
FADE2BLACK
"I'm starting with the man in the mirror. I'm asking him to change his ways."
FADE2BLACK
Funny, it's so easy to cast judgment on another, without truly placing the mirror in front of yourself. Perhaps it is difficult to actually face your demons, or is it easier to look at someone else, see what's wrong with them, what they need to fix. I am in the middle of a personal growth spurt. In other words, I have begun to concentrate on myself more then ever. I, for the most part, have always gone about my daily life allowing others to be themselves. In that I work diligently at not making judgments or requiring others to change their behavior. In the past, I would make comment, and make a determination to not be around you if you did something I didn't like. NO IFS, BUTS, or MAYBES. I would be ghost. Gone. Now, some would say I was judgmental, but judging another requires an action of some sort. A comment that they are doing something wrong, and require that they change thru passive or sometimes aggressive comments like "You need to" or "You ought to". This is often followed by some sort of intervention. I am not willing to take the action. You have to learn for yourself.
Now, I am working on not making comment altogether. I have learned that, often making comments create a very disturbing chain of events. In addition to, perhaps, putting your business out there.
What I'm saying is that some people are strong enough to be THEMSELVES. What's wrong with that? Michael says he likes to sleep with children. He says there is nothing wrong with it. (At least until yesterday.)Why make comment? Just don't let your kids sleep with him. Adults who appearingly maim themselves are not allowed to sleep with my children. PERIOD. It's not your family's value, but it appears to be his. Now I'm not advocating, just using this extreme to make a point. If someone is doing something you don't like, while we are free to say anything we wish, sometimes without consequence, just leave them the FCK ALONE. Believe me, they will get the point. They may ask, in Michaels case, "13, why don't you let your kids (if I had any) come around anymore? You used to visit often.". My response would be, "Well, King of Pop, my values are not consistent with yours. But continue to do you." Because believe me, he will find someone to love and accept him JUST THE WAY HE IS. And guess what, he WILL PROBABLY NEVER MISS ME. Know why? He wouldn't have someone lurking in the background making judgment, trying to change him, advise him. A wise man once said, "If the pain is great enough, it will produce change." I cannot determine the amount of pain another can endure. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, so.... You can only imagine what others say when they think of things they believe I need to change. But I could care less. I do me and I do me well.
So I say leave Michael alone. Stop your kids from chilling at his crib, and riding his rides (Amusement Park, for the dirty minded)if you're that concerned.
I once threw a pebble, and it cam back as a stone to knock me in the back of my thick skull. I'm still reeling from it. And while it happened many years ago, it stings like yesterday. I made a judgment about a friend and demanded that she change the behavior. Insisted that she was lying to herself and her then boyfriend. That her behavior would hurt her, and ultimately the relationship once her "truth" was revealed. Not knowing her circumstance or situation. A few years under my belt and some life's experience I found myself in that same place. Entering the same type of relationship for the exact reasons. Yes, both of our relationships ended. We had to face some basic truths, but not without me calling her a few months into my relationship to apologize. Less then a year later she called me to tell me I was right. February 2004, I called her to tell her we were both right. Today we laugh about it. But we are happier, individually and collectively. Yet, I still rub the back of my head, it continues to have the sting. I hope that it serves as a constant reminder of my shortcomings and downfalls. So that I can embrace and love another for who and what (s)he is. And discontinue to impose my beliefs and values upon them.

2005-06-10

To HIp or not to HOp. That is the Question?

Smoke
Lingers 'round your fingers
Train
Heave on - to Euston
Do you think you've made
The right decision this time ?
The Smiths.... London

Today I am listening to some mellow music. Kem Album II is the bomb, not sure if I like it more then his debut, Kemistry, which, in my humble opinion has some of the freshest love songs of this decade. No sap, no crap, rap like ballad, just pure, fresh, crisp, unadulterated crooning over smooth jazz like vibes. You do know that kind of love song, don't you? One you could send to your lover, and you knew that they understood exactly what sentiment, feeling,and thought you were attempting to relay? So the music has me at that spot. Ya know, back in the day when your moms, or in my case, grandmother, had you cleaning the house early Saturday morning? After, no offense to anyone, you dodged the Jehovah Witnesses, the insurance man or the man selling some "cure-all" ointment in the form of Watkin's Products. In my household by 8:30 am, you often heard "Grand, here comes that man or the Jehovah Witnesses are at Miss Kraft's (our next door neighbor)." You listened to her music, which you, at times hated, but you found yourself enjoying it, even singing the lyrics. To this day I cannot pick up a broom, sprinkle comet, pour Mr. Clean, or spray furniture polish and not think of Lou Rawls..."You'll never find, as long as you live, someone who cares about you, the way I do..." Funny how the mind works....I am lost in thought and can feel my surroundings, soon I'm actually cleaning house at 111 Zerrcliff. Which causes me to think of my grand. Which in turn causes me to think that she really has a watchful eye on me now.... Most days I question this, as I know that when people get to Heaven, if in fact there is a Heaven, they could care less what our monkey a--- are doing down here. But in case she is peeking over a cloud or two, I know she's asking my mother and aunts, "What is that child doing? And has she always done this? I know I taught her better." They would answer in sing song unison "NNHUH, that's her crazy tail...". She would wonder and worry... "How did I make it this long? How did I ever survive? DID I ever here what she was saying or trying to knock into my thick skull?" Don't get me wrong. I am not a criminal, far from it. I have love in my life, a good job, decent place to stay and a circle of friends most people would pray for.. I follow all laws except for those relating to traffic, "I often feel the need for speed." I don't use any illegal substances, unless of course you count Starbuck's. I am just the type of person who has to have the choice forced upon them, 'cause often I do not want to make decisions relating to mundane items on my life's platter. Mundane =Responsibility. PERIOD. I am like a big kid, I have a wild hair, I don't pull it, I let it grow, even nourish it. Or in some opinions or circles, I am a true Aquarius. Flighty. So when I think of "choice" and decision, I wonder, "Do I really have choices or ability to make decisions?". I know that if you do not act quickly, often they are made for you. Which is what happens so often in my life. Yet lately, I have seemingly made choices and I am wondering if I made the right ones. My house? Currently viewed as a poor choice. Car (HIP HOP)purchase? Seemingly, another poor choice, due to constant repairs. Move to Austin? Once a poor choice, moved to an alright choice, now I am reconsidering whether or not it was an awful decision, since I did it in an effort to be in the previous relationship. Previous relationship? Horrible choice on both parts, his and mine. Enough strikes against me, I won't make a single decision for a year. Unless of course it is with the help of a trusted human being. I used the line from the Smiths because I once made my most important decisions over a Dr. Pepper or a drink along with a cigarette. When I made the choice to stop smoking I knew it would bebeneficial, I also knew that my best decision making strategy literally went up in smoke along with the habit. Before that I just asked people and took a survey, if it was aligned with my wants/desires, I was in like Flynn. Before that it was like any kid, a flip of a coin, heads or tails. Not anymore. Life has a funny way of teaching you lessons, especially ones you refuse to learn.. Sometimes you cannot go with gut. I say all of this because I need another car. OR SOME WOULD MAKE ME BELIEVE, ESPECIALLY HIP HOP (the car). She has been making decisions for me. Walk, bum a ride, rent a car, buy another car... And I love her, I cannot make that decision. I have only fallen for one other person, place or thing as quickly as I have her.. They both have minds of their own, don't always do what I want, but I find great pleasure in them and I want to hold onto them as long as I can.. because they are worth the time and effort..
And while I wait at work for my Boy, B to come and get me. I thank GOD that I don't have to make a decision today.... or do I.
13andtheysayitaintlucky

2005-06-08

IT'S SUMMER AND IT'S HOT.... I WANT SOME RED KOOL-AID

Red is the Flavor of Kool-Aid
(for my ghetto hood)
Red is the flavor of the summer sun reflecting a kaleidoscope
of images, a rainbow of colors, the flavor of hope
deflecting, notions of poverty
and squatter sovereignty
in project buildings and tenements...
memories laced with sentiment.
It is the taste of sweat dripping from young chocolate brows
Hoping to catch a cool breeze from a broken fan covered with wet towels.
The texture of a new food stamp when we the family was low on money
taste of cheap candy like chick o stixs and bit o honey....
I know you remember the flavor red
it's the thickness of government cheese on toasted bread
oiliness of tin canned peanut butter and staled crackers
The coolness of flavored ice and lemon tart lip smackers
It is pure blissful thought cemented in a moment in time
The sound of the ice cream man and you had one shiny dime
The blending of colors from a Popsicle split between best friends
The first time your heart was broken and you swore it would never mend
Your discovery of slow dragging at the junior high sock hop
It is the nectar of life and you would never want to spill a drop
If you knew then what you know today,
Cuz there ain’t no way
You can forget that red is sound of a slammed domino and grandpa yelling "fish grease"
Grandma’s pound cake and how you would sneak an extra piece
Your uncles playing pitty - pat, always five cents a hand
You and your friends in the street playing kick the can
The smile on the face of a country cousin visiting from down home
The stench of blue magic and heat off a burning straightening comb

2BCONTINUED.....
What's your summer flavor?

2005-06-07

Brown eyes for sure, but is it an apple or a mango?

I, months from dust,
in the fall of my life
feel your waning spirit
slip thru fingertips
which print the essence of you
upon my core.
I recognize and taste the nectar
of our past lives
upon the rise in your cheek.
I catch recognition in your eye.
you remember,
that in third life we held
forever within the clutch
of our fold.
that our heartbeats beat
simultaneously
synchronizing
harmonious spirits.
our cycles
transcend, permeate
this lifetime.
when I close my eyes,
sit in silence
allow myself to remember,
I become lost in the brown of yours.
I find solace..
stilled, I feel the ground
move under my feet,
hear the first heartbeat
of the newborn I am about to become
I will search for you in dreams
of our next life together
sunrise, sunset, moonlight,
metamorphosis.......
FADE2BLACK
Ring. Ring. Ring.
"Hello?"
"Wazup?"
"Nothin much."
"Happy Birthday, Fool. What you doing tonight?"
"Going to my surprise party/happy hour."
"How do you know about that?"
"Long story.... Watcha been up to? Long time no ear.. Hold on someone's on the other line. Man, who is this text messaging me. Someone I don't know, 'cuz Sprint makes me pay for this mess."
"Who is it? You readin' it."
"You asking a lot of questions.."
"Hey you still hangin' with.."
"Hell no. Never was, just something to do. This will probably be the last time we hang real tough. Totally unavailable, too much trouble, it feels shady at times. A cancer. And you know I follow horriblescopes when it comes to that type of stuff. Aquairians and Cancerians do not mix. Not in the cards. So it was never what you thought. Maybe at a different time, it may have been."
"Yea, whatever."
"No, I'm serious. Just can't afford for people to continue to get the wrong impression. I am not THAT SHADY. Hold on... Watdahell? Another text. They couldn't be turning my phone off. I paid the bill."
"That's what they all say."
"We still talking ain't we?"
"That does not sound like a St. Mary's graduate."
"Prairie View, you have a way of bring out my inner negro. Let me call you back. You know I'm curious to know who this is... or better yet what this is about."
"Have a good time tonight. 'Bout time you get your tail out of the house. Happy Birthday."
"Later."
TEXT MESSAGE: HAPPY BIRTHDAY. SORRY, I CAN'T MAKE IT TONIGHT. ____________
DELETE MESSAGE
TEXT MESSAGE: IT'S ________________. I FORGOT TO LEAVE MY NAME. I BET YOU'RE WONDERING WHOSE TEXTING YOU.
CALL
Ring. Ring. Ring.
"Hello."
"Hi."
"Happy Birthday. How are you?"
"Thanks. I'm doing well. How about you? This is a surprise."
"I'm okay. I bet you were wondering who was texting you."
"At first I didn't know. Since it was only a number and message. No name. But when you sent the second text. I realized who it was."
"Oh, okay. Well, I texted you to tell you that I couldn't come to your happy hour."
"It's cool. I really don't want to go myself. Kind of tired."
"But they are surprising you. I know. I love them for it. That's why I'm going."
"Isn't it now? You're late to your own surprise party?"
"They hired the wrong help. Naw. Something happened so the crew is running late. Thanks for calling."
"Yea. Alright. Goodbye."
"Good-bye."
Dialtone.
FADE2BLACK

2005-06-06

I Took My Hands Off The Bar, Screamed My Ass Off.. Now What?

"I rode your fucking ride and all I got was a sore throat."
paraphrase from my girl Discontent
"Then you rode for all the wrong reasons. Love is not selfish. Someone once said, we love because it is the only true adventure...."
retort.....
"I've climbed that mountain, my feet are blistered.. Can you rub 'em a bit? And by the way, you got something for these ant bites?"
paraphrase from my girl Want Too Much Too Quick.....
"I never asked for the mountain. I only asked for your time."
retort....

"She believes she's released her hands from the bar. Problem is, she's not mature enough to realize that if you keep your hands, or any part of your body clutched and your mind locked, in a single position, if you do it long enough.... it eventually becomes an essential part of who you are. So, I asked, how can you hold your true love, if your hands are wrapped around a lie that your mind won't let go of...."

Fade2Black
dial tone
speed dial: 108
ring. ring. ring.
"Wattupp?"
"What's up."
"Nothin'."
"Why are you at home on a Saturday night?"
"No where to go. No one to hang with."
"You still hanging out with..."
"Naw. Too much trouble. Too many problems. Unfaithful. Drinks too much. Smokes. Shall I go on? Besides, I'm not really feeling..."
"Well, what about..."
"Lives out of town. Too fcking young. Goofy. Not my type."
"What about..."
"Young. Unfaithful. Wild. Just wants to screw. Looking for a rescuer. I am not a fcking life jacket."
"Damn. You gotta stop looking for perfect. I mean, from what I can see, you got people who like you. Why don't you just go out? You don't have to spend your life with them."
"Cuz. I got standards. I want love."
"You never give anyone a chance. What if one of them were actually love."
"Cuz I just know. I don't want to waste my time. When I find it I will know. Doesn't matter, I am going to wait this time. Maybe a year before I hang out with someone seriously. I just don't think I can ever date, just to date."
"A year? Well you're not going to find anyone hanging out in your bedroom in front of the fcking t.v. What are you watching anyway, some reality bull.."
"Yea, I am. You know me. Strange Love with Flava Flav.... And I know I won't find anyone in my bedroom. It's just, I want love.. Real love... Just haven't found the one yet. Not in this lifetime. I explained to you a million times.. You've known since undergrad.... Before, in some life, I had this perfect love. We will meet again. I thought I found that love, at least twice. And you know about them. Hell, each time, I was disappointed. They were lies, posing as my truths...."
"What makes you think there is a one? I mean what if there are two, three, even four, loves for you to have in this life.."
"Suppose your monkey ass believed in something other then getting laid."
"That's fcked up."
"Is it?"
"We're here to procreate... We are sexual beings.... Why you deny it. I don't know, knowing all too well.... "
"Really? Procreate? There's only one bible that uses the word procreation. I bet you never heard of it. Holman Christian Standard. Besides, what the fck are you talking about? Your horny ass don't even have kids.."
BOTH LAUGH
"You know what I mean though."
"Yes, I know. But it doesn't change anything. I won't go there unless I love you."
"Whatever. I know you better then you think. You are sneaking and getting a little sumpin' some where.."
Laughing... "You don't know me until you know my darkest secret. I know you know some secrets. But not that many. And the first mention of your procreation has to do with greatly multiplying your pain, sorrow, and something literally jacked up. Biblically speaking women are not suppose to be sexual beings. Your desire shall be for your husband and he shall rule over you. That is not my idea of love. I am sexual. I just want sex and love."
"But you do believe that good sex can make you believe you're in love, don't you?"
"You are stoopid! It might make YOU say "I LOVE YOU' but not me. I do know the difference."
"Look. I'm not looking for good sex. Wait, you know what I mean, it is an added bonus. It can help you get your resume reviewed, maybe promoted from temp to permanent.."
BOTH LAUGH
continued "......I'm looking for the total package. I don't just want some one. I want the ONE. I want butterflies, stupid anniversaries, calls for no reason, secret glances and little codes on my phone, I wan..."
"Dressing alike? Please don't tell me that shyt."
"Why are you selling you and your exes clothes?"
BOTH LAUGH
"Yea right. You are a fool. Aren't you afraid that you're going to be alone? I mean that's a tall order. People don't love like that anymore. My parents have been married for nearly 45 years, and they walk around here looking at each other sideways."
"I could only pray to have the same person loving my dumb ass that long. So a sideways glance after 45 years.... that sounds cool."
"I think that's unrealistic for you. We haven't gotten to your list yet. And you have a bunch of dumb ass rules no one could ever possibly get past. I think you set yourself up for failure."
"Naw, my true love is coming. I just gotta be patient and wait. And when I find it, I will work hard to maintain it, hold on to it."
"Apples and deep brown eyes. You might not get it this time."
"Apples and deep brown eyes. You remember."
"I'm suppose to, how long have we been friends?"
"19 years in August, too damn long."
"Me, 26 year, and 24 year are the few that can put up with you and your crap."
"Whatever. You love me."
"For life."
"But you know me. Anyway, I've changed it to mangos. Not to make it sound so sacra religious, ya know what I mean? But yes, I want that original, pure, biblical type of love... Before knowledge... When we loved when our eyes were closed.. Unconditional. Loving for the sake of the loving... I know you got something planned for the evening."
"I do. But we needed to catch up."
"What you doing tonight? I can live vicariously thru you. Who's your hostage this time? You still messing with..."
"Unfortunately, yes. There's no one else here, unless I go to San Antonio. And you know I can't..."
"'Cuz you need to be still. Stop messing with everybody.."
"Not everybody!"
"You know what I mean."
"Yea I know. But I'm cute..."
"I'm cute, I'm not insecure so you know I don't have ugly friends. You going across, then?"
"Yea. Check out some bars and get something to eat. You should come down next week."
"I will, but I'm waiting until the summer. It's too cold."
"But it's not cold here. You got excuses."
"Naw not excuses. My car, and I got.."
"Whatever, what ya doing for your birthday? I haven't forgotten."
"Nothing. They're trying to throw some surprise party. But the person they asked to trick me into going out, told me about the party. So there goes the surprise. I really don't want to go. But they're cool and it's all good. Have a drink for me."
"I will have at least two. Cruzan?"
"Yes. Straight shot, mango flavored. See ya."
"Holla."
"Out."
Dialtone.

January 22, 2005
dialtone
speed dial: 108
"What's up?"
"Found the brown eyes..."
"Did you?"
"I think so..."

2005-06-03

WOW

You Are Romans
You are Romans.


Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Today, I am a bit pensive. Tired. Looking forward to the weekend. Of course I took another quiz. Couldn't resist. My older sister sent me this, thought it was cool. Funny, never thought of myself as a book in the bible.
good weekend...

2005-06-02

Mary Lou Jones: They called her Maelu

Spit Levi Garrett

an old woman with graying eyes,
once spoke thru clouds.
her voice was crippled by stolen souls,
which she passed thru snuff laced kisses.
my similes, her words,
run green thru varicose veins,
stop just top of thigh high
where hands adorned in wrinkled skin
lay to rest.
metaphorically her laugh lines cease
where crow’s steps creep
at crease of dreams that
hide within
the fold of her lips.
she whispers
a poem which leaks
between heartbeats,
my bleeding heartaches,
our worlds connect
at fading heart lines.
our words hold hands
and I spit the piece of eternal peace
that was once she.
and she breathes her life back into me.
the warmth of her air
atop my tear stained cheeks,
flee
as I part our lips,
another speaks.
words scar the skin of another.
keloid, tat an embittered soul.
no life could remain
or sustain.
her prose falls on once deaf ears
silenced in the final breath that escapes
and lies outside my dream’s tip.
her last words like butterflies
flutter and linger,
our words hold hands
as she breathes her life
back into me..
our worlds soon merge
her story heard
I am she, and she are we
but crease in which our life lines meet
disappear and fade away
our life escapes in one puff of air
one cast aside....
in the mist of spit
a seed is sown in dry soil..
graying eyes peer thru clouds
and rain down..
a plant from which her knowledge grows..
nourishing roots of tree
that is me..
I spit the piece of eternal piece which once was she
and now is me.
I spit story thru clear eyes and clouded mind..
I spit piece of eternal piece of great grand,
her weathered fingers held
prose and poem
which she wrote in life’s deeds
the pen, illiterate
paper, could never contain
a midwife life, with story to tell,
her heart inked prose upon my soul
her unschooled words
dialectically
scrawled in wrinkle of great grand's hands
deepening the crease of my fate line
and I spit
I spit poetry
held tongue and cheek
between gum and lip,
words held until the sting
no longer burns
and I spit her flow
richly dark, like her tobacco
words cling to my lip
and I spit poetry,
like she spit Levi Garrett
bitter and sweet..

2005-06-01

Turn and face the Stranger... Changes.... Time May Change Me, But I Can't Trace Time

I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test
David Bowie... Changes
I am working on self. Trying to be patient and understanding of others. Trying to hold my tongue. Tame my wild thoughts. Be supportive without criticism. Settle my tone a bit. Think before I speak. Respond, not react. Reaffirming, yet fair. (Well I'm always a fair jury, but not for judgmental reasons). Become more spiritual. Be committed to someone and something other then myself. Get another job. Stop hatin' on Jill (I don't think her book is that great.. SEEN A HELL OF A LOT BETTER CHAPBOOKS SOLD OUT OF BACKPACKS.....I know I'm not hatin' just concerned.....)Complete one fcking poetry project by the end of the year. Sell my house (2muchspace2muchwork2lonely). Take the time to get to know the people who call ME friend. (Can u believe that shyt, they call me friend?)Be a better friend to those who call ME friend. (Shed the fcking loner coat, it's starting to be heavy and 2 fcking hot.)
While I believe the way I've always been has not been a real issue, it has been. It's causing me discomfort in areas I thought would never, could never be impacted.. That it was only in select situations did I use the coat of arms... I now know it can get me where it really hurts.... They say pain is a great motivator, so I am trying desperately to avoid it... So perhaps the change is pain avoidance, or because I have a high tolerance for pain...
sidebar: I tore my acl and some cartilage in my right knee four years ago. I continued to run as I awaited surgery which I pushed back 8 months to complete my assigned audits (no one would say they did my work!!!!). Anyway for 4 1/2 months I continued to run bleachers at the high school near my apartment. My doctor stated she did not understand why it appeared as if my knee cap was moved an 1/4 inch to the left. I told her I had continued to exercise to shed weight as I anticipated I would gain more during the recuperation period. I reassured her it was okay, I was running the visitor's side. She asked why that was relevant. I explained to her that the visitor side was not as lengthy and large as the home side!!! Needless to say she was not happy. In other words I can mask pain, well...
back to the point...
I think it's time I moved into the new millennium. So, to commemorate my new self, I am going to celebrate... No I do not want AREAS which you believe need improvement... Just some ways to celebrate.... Please post suggestions, as I am planning a CHANGETHE13 festival in the upcoming weeks.....
13andtheysayitain'tlucky....