".... never again will there be a flood to destroy the earth." Genesis 9: 10-12

Really? The people in New Orleans, as well as coastal Louisiana and Mississippi would argue this point. As I watched the news I was tearful as a man described holding his wife's hand only to see her horrifically snatched from his grasp. I could only think of the people I love. Only think of my life. Only think of how selfishly I have lived, with my arrogant expectations, and false sense of entitlement. Unfortunately tragedy has a way of opening your eyes, and making you grateful for the simpler things.
Katrina and her devastation was difficult to believe or even comprehend, as I watched the news last night. In a time when movies can depict battles of the universe and total destruction of the world, we quickly recognize in the wake of this storm that we are not as desensitizied as we once believed. Or at least I am not. CNN as well as the local news showed flood waters swallowing some of my best youthful summers and childhood memories. A very somber feeling. Recognition of humanness and that everything must converge.
The first time I heard Prince's "When Doves Cry" was on the ride from Texas to New Orleans, on WYLD. I thought I had died and gone to heaven. "Dig if you will a picture of you and I engaged in a kiss....." I fight back emotions as I think of drinking Big Shotz pop and eating hot sausage po-boys on the porch of my Grandfather's rental properties in the 9th Ward. Most, at the time, housed various family members and friends so we walked all over the area from Feliciana Dr. Riding bikes to Louisa St. Walking the rail yard and catching rides uptown. Sticking around one summer nearly a week before school started 'cuz I wanted to go to Abrams High School. Later crying all the way home on the flight, because my Grandfather told me that if I stayed I would have to go to Xavier Prep. (I didn't know it was a good school at the time. I wanted to go to Abrams because all my friends and cousins were going.) Smoking and buying "puffies" in the Desire projects. I got my first fake ID on Canal St. and used it thru my sophomore year in Undergrad. Working for my grandfather's girlfriend at the Superdome for various events. I still have autographs from the bands that attended Superfest. As a teenager I saw Stevie Wonder and DAMN NEAR EVERY SUPERFEST concert, watched Sugar Ray Leonard and Roberto Duran fight, attended Saints games during the holidays, the Sugar Bowl and the Classic. So many memories, simple things, all of which I stored, seldom bringing it up until today.
I used the biblical quote because often that which impacts us becomes our WORLD, our EARTH. Everything that stabilizes us, make us who we are. Perhaps it is this idea that made so many who did not have the means in which to leave the city stay and remain. Perhaps the idea of leaving it all behind was far more painful then witnessing the devastation. Believing "if I stay there is hope."

My Uncle Rudy and Grandfather are still there, somewhere. Prayerfully helping others. My heart continue to go out to those impacted.

Lastly... Happy Birthday to my Aunt Suzy.... YOU ARE MISSED AND YOU ARE LOVED. Not a day goes by that I don't carry your memory in my heart.

Katrina and my Grandfather

"Hell, it ain't nothing but a little rain, we've seen it before. I just got back from Chicago, I ain't driving to Texas. I moved some stuff out the house and boarded up the rental property. If it flood, it floods. I'm going to stay at the jail with your Uncle. Since I retired, they let me come and go. Or maybe I'll go down there and help your cousin at the 'Dome. She's still managing down there."
Charles Belisle, my grandfather who resides in New Orleans, La.

In case anybody wonders where I get it from. He did not leave. He decided he was going to "hang out" at the jail with my uncle who works for the Sheriff's Department. My Grandfather retired from the Department a couple of years ago. Anyway, stubborn or foolish, he stayed. He, like others can only imagine what remains of their homes. My prayers go out to those impacted.

Congrats to Gen Van Cleave and Peter. A badass poet and even better person who was married this past weekend at the site of the Peace Rally, just outside President Bush's Crawford, Texas Ranch. A true example of political poetry. No one could've written it any better......

Bandy: to discuss lightly or banteringly. Lonely versus Alone.

I used to fall in love daily. Few know this. Fewer would take this seriously or even consider it a fact. Despite my callous, often abrasive approach to life and it's situations; I long for an emotionally spiritual soul connection with another human being. That is my sole desire. For my soul to meet it's mirror and fall in love with it's reflection. That desire has never been stronger then it has the last few months. In so much that I have begun to feel lonely in the most peculiar situations and places. So now, I "crave" am almost dying to feel a sense of relief in aloneness.
A long time friend and I once discussed the idea of loneliness versus aloneness. My 27 year friend, stated they were synonymous, there was no difference. That both were a form of isolation. While, I mostly agreed, I argued that aloneness was a choice, whereas, loneliness was not. She believed that they both indicated a craving, a desire to "be with". And that persons who "justified" aloneness as a blissful or growth state where those persons who denied their longing for companionship or had just been alone for so long that they were in fact numb.
Why is this on my mind? I went to Dallas this past weekend. It highlights the happiest, yet arguably some of the most painful times of my adult life. What I remember most in my pain, the destruction and later demise of a long-term relationship, is the growth that occurred on the other side. I developed a loving relationship with myself, one where I was emotionally, physically and spiritually sound. At that time, my friend and I talked frequently and she warned me that while I believed I was happy, I was practicing a form of avoidance. That I was becoming numb, not wanting to deal with the disappointment of the "relationship thang". I explained to her that she was wrong, dead wrong. Everyday, I fell in love with the "spirit of the woman I was becoming" as well as the "essence of my future partner".
Each time I visit Dallas, I am reminded of that space. That beautiful, comforting space, void of disappointment. I experience mixed emotions everytime I either drive or ride the 200 plus miles down IH 35 South. I become enraged with my X whom I made the ill-fated choice to move to Austin "with". I mourn the loss of a beautiful 700 square foot apartment with hardwood floors, huge windows with a relatively cool breeze, a view of REAL trees with squirrels and birds. Late evening and night time bike rides downtown on the cobblestone along the light rail lines or at White Rock Lake. Eating vegetarian food at Cafe Brazil. Playing stoopid azz games a Starbuck's all night with my friend Kirk. Going to Oaklawn with Derral, eating at Hunky's, and hanging out at the park on Sundays. I miss the weekly dates I had with myself breakfast on Friday's at Benavides, summer series Thursday night concerts, and Van Gogh to Go picnics during the Shakespeare festival.
Each time, it takes me days to recover. With each click of a lock or opening of a garage door, the resentment of surburban living and values that have seemingly been forced upon me thru mortgages and responsibility strangles my youth, suffocating me. This is when Wednesday night poetry is not enough. When talking on the phone to real friends is not enough. When crying to cleanse your soul and mourn your sense of loss, does nothing more then dampen sheets and pillow tops. When darkness seeps into your lungs, making it difficult for you to just BREATHE. When night sweats become a sea of emotions you can drown in. This is when loneliness sets in.
After those visits, I believe I go home to 1600 plus square feet of possessions where inside nothing lives or grows, including me. There is a plush lawn, giving you the impression that there is "real" life inside, but there's none. I have no plants, pets, and I go there only to bathe and sleep. I will see my "home" as such until I am able to bathe and sleep away the sweetness of a past the resonates in my mind. Aferward, it will once again represent hope and promise. I will be fortunate that I have a place to call home. A place where I have entertained and laughed with poets and friends. Proof that the American dream, no matter how twisted is possible.
Maybe I romanticize Dallas as much as I romanticize the idea of penguin love, mangos and brown eyes. Something I once had, and is probably now nothing more then a sweet memory. Something I need to let go of. Perhaps holding on makes it difficult for me to be accepting of today.
Today, I am not letting go of the idea that I can, once again find solace in aloneness and not feel lonely (she made a good argument, but didn't really convince me). But I will abandon the idea of penguin love et al. And learn to accept that maybe the only loving relationship I can experience in it's totality is one based on trust, honesty and respect with self.

Weekend....

I looked at a few posts which contain ongoing about the slam. Now, someone is complaining about lists poems. He found something wrong with Anis's poem "Shake the Dust" and "You Have Been Given Permission to Rock The Fck Out." He called a poet homegirl of mine awful. Another poet shero of mine names. I used the verbage in an earier blog, because I wanted people to know I was shaking it off and leaving it all behind me. At the time, I was minimally aware of the reference, so I googled it. Here's the one I like best.

"If people do not welcome you, shake the dust off your feet when you leave their town, as a testimony against them."

To the following... SHAKE THE DUST.....
To the love of my life.. We'll win the Lotto and run away to Greece.
To my SISTERMENTORFRIEND who occassionally has bad days.
Sheeba, you are a Queen.
Rachel McKibbins, I don't really know ya, but I know ya, and I love ya Muthfckr...
Team Albuquerque 2005
Team Charolette
Team Ft. Worth
To my Main Man B and all the f'ing traveling.
To my if not by blood, by bond brother.. Handle ya business, Man!
To my poet in law for the time seperated, ya'll be togther again, aight.
To that f'ing butterfly. I see ya growin'.
To Janean you are beautiful and amazing.
To Anis I hear ya.
To that grooving butterfly and dem racoons, enjoy your new home.
To Manda and fam.... Pray, it's getting better, we're all looking up....
And to anyone that reads this blog........

I am looking forward to the weekend. DALLAS HERE I COME!!
I get to see Talaam, Rock, Twain, that fool GNO, Mike, Janean, A.J., Jamal, hopefully Ant. and the rest of 'em....

YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE TO KNOW...

my eyes follow whispers across amplified darkness
to taste heaven in kisses from lips I’ve never known.
words wrapped in sugar cane thicken the night
canvassing moonlight dancing in the mist
of the tear stained scent you’ve left behind.
I inhale the sweetness of it’s essence,
exhale the damp shadows of loneliness,
take the silhouette of your hand in mine,
and hum a melody
resonating in the echo of my soul’s desire.
And in that moment,
I want to write you a love poem
I want to search for prose in the rise of your cheeks
when you smile at me…
find warmth in the softness of your gaze
when you look at me
pour what lies between your thighs
into the ink of my pen
to create a poem as sensual as your touch,
as passionate as the graze of lips
against the softness of hips...
my words, bodies intertwined
drawn upon loose leaf sheets
stained with passion and prose
you under the weight of my hand
fingertips curiously searching
for unbridled emotions emoting
against the pane of pain
and lonelienss
yearning, longing
to write you a love poem


all rights reserved, 2005.
kimberley d taylor



to be continued....

i hear ya, kayne....

"If you ever wanted to ever be anything, it'll always be somebody that a shoot down any dream. It'll always be haters that's the way it is. Hater niggas, marry hater bitches, and have hater kids, but they gone have to take my life before they take my drive... And get some leeway on that he say she say...... Dog if I was you I wouldn't feel myself......And I'm still myself.... And I'm a look in the mirror if I need some help.. Now I'm speak from the heart, ya'll all frontin' everyone feel a way about K but at least ya'll feel somethin'!"
Bring Me Down... Kayne West featuring Brady

Don't ask. Just buy it next Tuesday!!! It's HOTHOTHOTHOT! He, Common, Raheem DeVaughn and Anis are in true rotation. ANYWAY.

FACTS:
1. naw, I wasn't jealous that you made a slam team. and since you telling everybody that stoopid shyt, why you calling me e'ry nite, dawg!
2. naw, I ain't mad at 'cha. Oil and water don't mix, I woke up and acted upon it.
3.naw, my phone ain't broke, i just stop answering your calls.
4. you've gotten better, but my feelings ain't changed.
5. if it's really about you, then why you gotta read to a crowd.
6. i was hurt that i didn't make the sa team. i lied to my grandmother, went to puro slam, qualified for the FIRST TIME, not the only time. i left my grandmother earlier then i needed to.. the night of that slam was the last time I saw her alive. making the team would have made me feel less guilty. NOTHING ELSE.
7. yes. i am in love. yes. with the one I CHOSE. AND NO IT IS NOT A PHASE.
8. yes, you are being avoided.
9. last week i was sick, not on some sick shyt....
10. My mind's not getting smaller, my world just got bigger....

Anis says... shake the dust!

I leave you with Brother Ice Cube..
"You don't like how I'm living? Well fck you."

HBO, Behaviors and Six Feet Under...

I cried! It snuck upon me like a cold sore the night before a big date... And when it did, I was relieved....
Last night was the series finale of one of my favorite shows "Six Feet Under". What a ride! I laughed (they did have some funny death scenes), cried, grew, and bonded with co-workers/friends who shared the same dark humor as I.
I think I cried because I'm grieving. Like the show, I have to say goodbye to things I love. And man, it's no easy task. Being sick makes you philosophical, or at least you like to think you are. Perhaps it was the medication, which is why they tell "patients" such as myself not to make major decisions while on medication. I have been taking a narcotic cough medication, and aside from sleep I've found a new method in which to ramble on and on. Like if you REALLY WANNA KNOW ABOUT ME CALL between 11:00 pm and 1:00 am when the meds have kicked in, it's like TRUTH SERUM.
I also believe the time has come. I have revisited where I used to be, and the hell if I don't miss it. What I miss most is the sense of security I had with me and the level of comfort I had within my own skin. Somewhere along the line I decided I wanted to be more UHHHH!, I don't know, something, and the K........ as I know her got lost in the jungle of trying to be politically correct like B, to be this person that is comfortable with hugs from strangers (I'm not), appealing to the masses even when I know they could give a fck about me and me them (uncomfortable), being clandestine, mysterious (cuz you really don't know a lot about me, do you?) and not being selective (I am). Okay, selective sounds jacked up, but I am good in one on one, type situations. I'm stretching if you place me in a group of five and not one person would I consider my true ally (I go crazy!). So not in the childish clique's sense, only in the sense that I need only one person per personality type around me and I don't do victims well. Actually, I don't do them at all. So, I've turned into the person who looks at their phone before answering, 'cuz I really don't want to talk to everybody all the fcking time. My live journal and blog do well with communicating with most. And they do contain double meanings.
I'll end this with an apology, (behaviors I will bury)'cuz to say I'm sorry would be lying, to those I've knowingly and unknowingly offended, made disparaging remarks regarding and about, not giving the attention (you'd say respect using the vernacular) you felt you deserved, faking the attention you believed you deserved, talking when I should have been listening, listening when I should have been talking, asking (using my mean voice) who you were when you called my phone, giving you my number when I had no future intention or reason for you to talk to me, taking your number when I had no intention or reason to talk to you, answering the phone when I wanted to do something else/be somewhere else/talk to someone else, spending time with you when I wanted to be with someone or somewhere else (only one person... APOLOGIZE!) anyone I told I was ten minutes away or would be there in ten minutes, the check is in the mail (Bill collector's and Taylor Mali, that one time last week. APOLOGY, PRETTY PLEASE? I will send it in the morning, I was sick all weekend!!), I just left the house (thank God for technology), I don't have a home phone (well, now I really don't), anyone I told I'll be back and I never came back or if you're still waiting (you can go), saying I was sleep when I wasn't, saying I wasn't sleep when I was, allowed you to lie to me WHEN I KNEW YOU WERE LYING (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, I'M NOT AS CUTE, I mean STUPID, AS I LOOK, on the rare occasions that I lied, (You're not as stupid as I looked telling the lie) for every feeling I hurt when I shouldn't and for every feeling that wasn't hurt when I should, for everyone I flirted with and I had no intention of doing anything, and for everyone who flirted with me and I ignored you, for frowning when I should have smiled, and for smiling when I should not have, for your forgiveness and I continue to disappoint, for my forgiveness and you continue to be yourself, for everyone I avoided and I should have faced, for everyone I faced and should have avoided, for every drink that was bought and I gave it to someone else, for every drink I bought and you gave to someone else, and lastly for everyone's hand that I shook after I coughed last week (this shyt is dangerous and I hope you don't get it), and for other major or minor (depending on your tune) offense I have committed being of sound mind, not under the influence of Heiniken, Shiner Bock, or the newly favored RED-Headed Sluts, I offer a sincere apology.....

Anis Mojgani says.......

Shake the dust......
I had an opportunity to vibe with this brother (and he is a brother) on Wednesday night, a brief 15 minutes, but it was a poetic lifetime. I spoke to him about one of my favorite lines:
"my father rides the bus 45 minutes to water flowers"....
Anis read the piece in the Indy Finals, a piece he states he has never slammed, but absolutely loves. He epitomizes the word poet, as he did what he wanted, on the National Stage for the INDY FINAL... and didn't care what place he got as long as the message was clear. And it was.
Absolutley amazing.....
Aside from that moment of glory and I will say, again, and again, I have been blessed with the opportunity to brush shoulders with greatness over and over again! Oh Thank You Poetic God....

Aside from that I am sick. Yes!!!! Physically ill. I have a cold of some sort. Allergies probably. I didn't even perform on Wednesday night. Yet, it will be the second time I returned from the National Poetry Slam and been truly humbled and baffled. In that I have not wanted to perform but to absorb more, listen to poets and poetry. Listen to everything around me express themselves. Humbled as I am aware this is a gift and it transcends color, gender, sexual preference, social and financial status, whatdafckever and I must use it wisely, as Talaam says, "What if this was GOD's work?"..... Baffled, as each time, I am amazed at how people see things the same, but express them differently. So I must lay my pen down, open my mind and find some positive space. Shake the dust.....

I'm moving on. I have severed ideas and thoughts in my mind and heart. Somethings have been heavy, to heavy for me to carry. I've dropped it... Shake the dust.

I may have been too heavy for some people and they, too heavy for me, so I am doing for you what you could never do for yourself. I am doing for me what I have been unwilling to do for myself. Removing myself from your space. Distance does not mean lack of tolerance or lack of love.... I can and will continue to love and admire you from afar....Shake the dust.

You know.....

and sometimes I cry, for no reason
other then to cleanse your soul.
I dream of bottling your tears
to drink the pain away,
when they flow,
and they will flow,
as my humanness and frailties
cannot always protect you...
untitled and incomplete....

If you build it.........

Where do I start? Perhaps the beginning, but that would be too friggin' simplistic.....
First - to my SisterMentorFriend Mo Browne.... you continue to be an amazing individual, a strong influence on my alter ego Live Mik, and a peaceful constant in my life. Thanks for allowing me to be your groupie! Naw, thanks for the introductions and ongoing friendship. YOU ARE A ROCK STAR.. Can I be a Pebble Star? And next time, can I turn on the air conditioner? Damn Yankees!!!!
Second - Hustle and 6. If not by blood by bond..... Love you.
Third - My girl's "Guy"... She's fortunate. You two are too damn cute for me....
ON TO THE SHOW!!!!
01) Janean Livingston - redemption never tasted sweeter!!!!
02) Someone please look out for me because I may soon be violating stalking laws in two states: Washington (Christa Bell) and New York (Anis Mogjani). There are no words, audible sounds, languages, to describe their talent and performances. Uhh Mo, I know you're reading this, so can you hook me up with the live cd (Christa) or at least a book (Anis)? B will never believe me when I tell me about these two!!!!
03) Fort "Party" Worth - sheer determination
04) Queen Sheba and Team Charlotte - Mirror!!!!! And the fact that you have a gazillion group pieces, now that's TEAMWORK.
05) Gorilla Tango - OHHH MY GOSH Becky, look at that bout!!! Can you say New York Louder Arts, New York Urbana, Central Jersey and DC-Baltimore? Imma name drop for a minute: (Mo Browne, Jive Poetic, Taylor Mali, Roger Bonair-Agard, Rachel McKibbens, Carlos Gomez, Chad Anderson.....) Okay, Okay, Okay... there were 5 teams, and I have to say Oklahoma City had balls of steel.
06) Rives (Team Hollywood) Don't give a damn, what he did on the final stage was dope!!!! I really hated that some people I know "Booed and made f'd up comments while he was on stage!!!)
07) My Texas Homies thanks for letting me hang wit' y'all cool asses!!!!
08) Will Da Real One, Chunky, Marc Marcel, Mona Webb, Lucky 7, Queen Sheba, Xero, Ragan Fox, Buddy Wakefield, Beau Sia, Flowmentalz, Rachel, Roger, and countless others thanks for not being on some rock star shyt... Loved the conversations, no matter how lengthy or limited....
8.5) Unfortuantely some of the wackest-azz poets were on that Rock Star Shyt.... I'm from Texas Baby!!!! Austin, TX. Do you know us? If not, pleased to meet you.
9) Asia, L and her homeboy (forgot his name) for the BEST T-SHIRT logos, slogans and designs of the week.
10) The city of Albuquerque. Unfortunately, ants can and will destroy a picnic. I cannot say it was only those persons who supported the home team that were disrespectful and not supportive of other poets, 'cuz I sat by some and they all were not from New Mexico. It appeared, at times, that a lot of poets and audience members took sips from the infamous well of Haterade. Home team advantage is just that, an advantage. Sometimes it's luck, sometimes it's skill. Was Albuquerque the best team? Not in my opinion, but a lot of people would say the Spurs should not have won the NBA championship (ALL THREE TIMES). In other words, we all have our favorites.
I have no comment or opinion on what happened. I won't even say it was unfortunate. I believe that everything happens for a reason. There were questionable things that occurred during the week. For example, Albuquerque's semi bout was moved to a larger venue to accommodate fans, but one of the most anticipated bouts:
Louder Arts, Central Jersey, Urbana, DC Baltimore, and Oklahoma (I had to mention Oklahoma okay?)
*Taylor Mali - Def Poetry Jam, a very recognizable slam poet who was on his last slam team ever!
*Rachel McKibbens - Def Poetry Jam staple!
*Roger Bonair Agard - Def Poetry Jam/Critically acclaimed poet/Cave Caven Alum
*Mo Browne - Also HBO fame
*Sonya Renee - 2005 Indy Champion
to list a few points, was left in a tiny venue were people were forced to sit on the floor and violate fire ordinances in all 50 STATES...
Despite some questions, and questionable people, the week was cool. Had a lot of fun, made some friends, reconnected, and above all, I have been inspired to raise the bar with my pen and my performance.
The week was truly humbling......

"Mrs. Jones, she loves to talk. And she just doesn't play well with others." Miss Walker, 4th grade teacher

"I don't want to play with them. Did she tell you that Coach WIlliams was her boyfriend? That he sits in her class while I'm in detention and the other kids are left alone at recess?" 9 year old thir13teen to Great-grandmother, Miss Walker and Principal at Parent-Teacher conference.....

I have come to believe over and over again, that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood. Audre Lourde

Speaking your mind fearlessly requires courage. Especially when you are willing to say things that others are thinking, believe is not socially or politically correct, but all to willing to say it when another is out of the room.... I have never had a problem with speaking my mind. I guess you can say I've been courageous since the 4th grade. Well, Miss Wlaker was probably the first to point that out. As a matter of fact I was encouraged to do so, almost as consistently as my creativity was stoked. I come from a family of talkers, tongue wagers as they would call them. I also inherited my father's sarcastic wit and mother's tenacity for double sword razor sharp words. I take no prisoners nor do I wish to be imprisoned when it comes to conversation, dialogues, monologues and diatribes. I don't back down, and I can go all night.... Needless to say, it earns me well deserved enemies. Enemies I don't mind having. See, I believe in flushing them out with their misguided use of the language. I don't have a mastery, only a keen ability to manipulate the language, slanguage so to speak. I also listen and can often tell you what you said, often angering and enraging.... And yes, _____________, I do watch the responses because it is all too amusing..... The punch line, "You're arguing with me, over SOMETHING YOU SAID. And your mad because I remembered? Angry because I reminded you? What did I say I was going to do." And even more amusing, is that I nor the punchline ever changes. Think about it. Marinate on it for a minute. You'll see my point.
I am like a light to a moth. I attract people who love what I have to say, but hate what I say. What I have to say is fine as long as my most direct communication is never directed at them. That's a difficult situation to be in, I believe I have to be dishonest in relationship to most who truly want to be in relationship with me. I don't prefer to be dishonest, unless there is really a big payoff. Uh oh... therein lies another problem, there is no payoff. So like my words, some will try to decipher some hidden clue in this blog, there will be discussions... "Is she talking about me? Who is she talking to? Oh, she's talking about last night, last week, last month, last year". No, I'm talking about every frickin' time. I'm soooooooooooooooooo tired. PERIOD. I am not a product of group think. I strive to be my own person with my own thoughts. I tell you who I am, what to expect, and I do me well. I'm consistently me. Opinionated. Dogmatic. Borderline arrogant. A bitch some will say, I bark but don't bite much.... And as much as I am cabable of enjoying others, I have no, I MEAN NO INTENTION of going with the norm or changing just to be in their company. I do not require anyone to change to be in mine. It's a problem, and one I can no longer ignore. It takes away from me. In other words if I have to continue to be the bad person then I have to refer and defer to my girl Ife's message:
"Hey, I'm going thru some shit, and I needed to make some changes in my life. If I don't get back to you, then you were on of 'em."
Or Jay Z.... "Now I'm stuck to the point I could hardly move, you fuckin' up my high don't bother me dude... jigga my nigga
And guess what? Mr. Glover the principal told me three things at the end of that conference:
1) You are very observant.
2) I don't always like to play either.
3) You can return to class...........

An Open Letter to Love: "And even if you don't recognize my presence, I'm still here." Jill Scott

This is not for him, her or them. I'm talking directly to you. Unconditional, platonic, heterosexual, gay, lesbian, paternal, maternal, fraternal, nocturnal, fleeting, ______________ (fill in the blank) kind of love. That elusive, most dream, few find, and even less experience. I am talking to you, true love, in the rarest form. Can you hear me? No, better question, are you there?
We are born with the capability to love unconditionally, but thru age and experience our minds close due to unmet expectations, fairy tale delusions of prince charming and princesses in need of rescuing. Our hearts become immune to the essence of love, having been infected with disappointment and pain. We use sex, like an oft prescribed, seldom followed correctly antibiotic for viral infections, so it no longer works, no longer protects us.
When I was younger, I dreamed of being rescued. I wanted to be Rapunzel and let down my golden hair. Cinderella who danced at the ball after that magical shoe fit ever so perfectly. Funny thing, my soft tight curls would never grow past my shoulders and I wear stilleto like an ill trained Drag Queen. Also what are you to do when the prince and the princess want to dance with you at the ball, or climb your golden locks to rescue you from the tower? I never read that one in Grimm's Fairy Tales....
Love, I don't believe in substituting sex for you, nor do I believe in that "rescue me, I'm helpless" idea. What am I to do? I want to experience you with no holds barred, go ass out. In other words I want to shed my pride and be foolishly in love. I want to walk in the rain and not know I'm getting wet. I want to skip, stop and smell the roses, maybe even pick a few...... Hell, I want to yip, chase my tail, romp in the grass, experience puppy love at it's finest. I want to fall head over heels down Mt. Bonnell or maybe climb the 99 steps to the top, breathless, sweaty, clutching the hand of the one I love.. Love, can you here me? Do you know what I'm trying to say?
Don't get me wrong. I am experiencing love as we speak. I am standing on the cliff of a breath taking mountain with cascading water falls, tumultuous waves and sharp rocks..... I am willing, waiting to take the plunge... Despite my fear, I am exhilarated by your presence overcome with your essence. I know in my heart I don't have to take the dive, I can acknowledge your existence.... but I long for the coolness, refreshing feel of what lies at the bottom of the cliff. It's exciting, enticing. Somewhere in the thick green foliage that has grown along side the blue rush that lies just past my toes, you are hiding, waiting patiently... I just want you to show yourself, 'cuz I don't always recognize your presence and I'm wondering.
are you still here....
FADE2BLACK
"Yes. Always"
FADE2BLACK

walking thru rain

To paraphrase an incredible poet and friend from the beautifully haunting piece entitled: Sunflowers
"Some believe that the rain falls upon us,
but I like to believe that we walk thru it,
and sometimes it's necessary
like gun barrels with grins at the end...."

I could think of a million cliches, metaphors, songs and quotes regarding the rain. Today,however, after it has seemingly shattered all hopes of a beautifully hot Texas afternoon filled with Barcardi Limon spiked Chick-fil-A lemonade, good music, dreams of a distant lover's rendez vous, and a topless ride in HIP HOP along 685, or any country road going 85 miles per hour. It' cost less then an hour on a psychiatrist sofa, and it works a hell of a lot better when prescribed in moderation. It's what I need. Reckless activity has always been a smooth elixir to heal whatever ails me. Often, I don't know what it is, aside from restlessness and possible boredom. I was asked how, as an adult can I become bored. I think it's adulthood that makes life boring. I escaped the mundane truth of adulthood and got lost in love, romantic notions and fairytale lives with happily ever afters. Until, of course, the reality of life set in and I realized that I had to be an adult to appreciate adult love and of course the benefits of being an adult, i.e home ownership, ability to drive, purchase items, etc. In other words I needed to pay attention to work, home and other necessities in order to ensure that I would have that fairy tale life and happy ending.
So as I walked during my lunch hour, the rain continued to fall, I wondered if in fact it is cleansing my soul. I wondered if I was walking thru it, or was I allowing it to fall upon me and weigh me down. Weigh my soul down. Weigh heavy, like my life's problems upon my heart. This mornings storms were filled with beautiful lightening and booming thunder. It was beautiful, yet terrifying at the same time. I was awakened by God's touch thru a simple phone call with a melodic voice on the end. And as I write, as when I awoke, I knew why rain was necessary... It cleanses, it nurtures, it contributes to growth..... In my growth I gave myself permission to take chances.... See, I fell in love with the voice on the other end of the line on a rainy day, and I look forward to our many rainy days to come. And that perhaps, the reason I am so bogged down with the gray in the day is because I want to be a little girl, run out in the rain and play, tap dance in a puddle, taste the rain drops, savor the moment of youthful dreams and romantic notions. Or maybe,just maybe I wanted to play hookey from work, and spend the morning in the branches of an ELM tree, showering in the possibilities....

TWICE IN ONE DAY... I WAS TAGGED BY SARAH

Been tagged by Cousin Sarah....

Five songs I'll always love:
1. Believe - Raheem DeVaughn
2. Groove With You/Beauty in the Dark - Isley Brother/Mos Def
3. Voyage to Atlantis - Isley Brothers
4. Not Like Crazy - Jill Scott
5. Numb/Encore - Jay Z and Linkin Park
*bonus Whatever, Whatever, Whatever - Jill Scott and Say Yes - Floetry..
Now - what was I doing ....
10 years ago: Living in Dallas like a HIP HOP SuperStar, had a bad ass apartment in Las Colinas, had a well paying job, and a cool ass car... Had it all!!
5 years ago: Moving to Austin, traveling like a HIP HOP Star. Jetting back and forth from Cali and New England. Traveling for work all over Texas... In other words I lived in airports, airplanes, rental car counters, and hotels.....
1 year ago: I lost about 280 lbs of dead weight, regained control of my life and began to forge another life's path as a newly defined single woman. By the way, I'm loving the scenery on this path a hell of a lot better....
Yesterday: Enjoyed two of my three passions. Obtained copies of credit report (annual task). Completed some work related issues. Worked out.
Today: Put numbers in my phone. Complete one audit. Write a letter. Complete monthly information in a new calendar/journal I received last night. Get new appliances.
Tomorrow: Plan for the weekend. Hopefully have a movie/dinner date. Not real sure...
5 snacks I enjoy: Popcorn, Pepper Jack Doritos, any candy bar with almonds, double stuffed oreos and the last is a secret....
5 bands I know the lyrics of most of their songs: Stevie Wonder, Luther Vandross, Jill Scott, Floetry, and Isley Brothers.
5 things I would do with $100,000,000: donate 5% to charity preferably a cause for AIDS, A Black GLT organization or Hunger. Whatever she wants. Invest. Buy a custom built David Weekly 5000 square foot home with 1000 dedicated to the master suite. Buy 2006 Black Infinti FX, Black Lexus RX 330 and Champagne Chrysler 300M. Give my niece, nephew and God son 1% each to save until they were adults.
5 locations to run away to: My imagination. The branches of an ELM tree. Harlemworld, Manhattan, New York, USA. Mykonos Greece. Rome, Italy.
5 things I wish I could wear: size 8 clothing. Stiletto Heels (REALLY) All of Victoria's Secrets (UH, YES REALLY!) Love, and I'd wear it like a tight sweater..... Peony and sheer freesia, so I never have to miss it when it's gone....
5 Movies: They Way We Were (Yes, I said it) Momento. Mahogany. Old School. Crouching Tiger/Hidden Dragon
5 biggest joys at the moment: My spirituality. ELM. Poetry. My family, especially my Dad. Good food, good drinks, and good conversation with good friends that pose as good family.
5 toys: Blog. HIP HOP. Surround Sound System. Poetry. Cell Phone.

I tag Mo, Amanda and Shia.

That's What the Sign Read.... I SWEAR

Anal Swing for Sale

It is a very beautiful Texas Summer Morning. Hip Hop and I cruised into the city a midst the morning traffic. As always we take city streets thru quirky, ecletic neighborhoods and urban blight. I speak as if I live in HarlemWorld, NY or someplace as exciting, but it's the ATX. Hip and I are chilling to Raheem DeVaugn's BELIEVE which has become our anthem for a lifetime. A little groggy from the previous night (one too many Heinikens and Red Headed Sluts), but enjoying eeach other, the hugs and caresses of the cool breeze and glances from other driver's. Despite our ages, we are cute as hell, and we look even cuter together.
As I arrive at a 5 way stop near Hyde Park, I notice a single standing sign along the curb ajacent to me. You know, one of those rentals people use outside stores? Anyway, the sign read "Anal Swing for Sale. 454-3612. OLE". In that moment, I swear, at least three of the people at the stop read the sign at the exact time. We all burst out laughing, glanced at one another, made gestures, and in a rarer moment sincerely smiled in each's direction. It appeared as if in that second, no one cared about what was on their minds previously. Our twisted sense of humor made us a merry trio. As we each moved thru the stop sign, we waved and went on with our day.
It's stupid, I know, but I can tell you that moment instantly added value to my life. Despite how different and unique I want to be, the truth of the matter is I'm not. Other people hurt, laugh, cry, love deeply, suffer loss and triumph. Our approaches are as different as snowflakes falling during a New England blizzard, but they're snowflakes nonetheless. Just as we are all human, uniquely similiar. I guess what I'm trying to say is, something as simple as three strangers meeting at a 5 way stop served as a lesson as meaningful as a semester of basic psychology at an Ivy League University. No one needed to tell me that humor brings people together, as does loneliness, grief, and despair. But why do we cling so desperately to one another during pain, as opposed to happiness? I mean we share joyous events like birthdays, weddings and births, but seldom has anyone called me and said "Hey, 13, I want you to come over 'cuz I'm happy as hell and I want to celebrate."
One of the most important characteristics in the love of my life is a smile. Seldom do I smile, 'cuz my teeth are crooked, but I love a big beautiful, beaming smile. As a matter of fact, their smile makes me forget my teeth are crooked, and like anything contagious, I, too, begin to smile. That person also has to have a sense of humor. So we can laugh at ourselves, each other and other people. Believe me, if you can laugh about it, you can get resolve it, get thru the moment, and live thru it, despite it.
The prankster in me wanted to call the number to inquire about the anal swing. I desperately wanted see if the person on the other line could find the humor and irony in it all. But the human in me knew that it wouldn't be as hilarious at 7:25 am, especially, (excuse the pun) when the person on the end of the line is the butt of the joke... HUMAN HUMOR RULE #1: It's only funny when it's not happening to you. HUMAN HUMOR RULE #2: Recognize quickly when it's no longer funny.
My ass has been in the sling as well as the hot seat, I now know where I can find a swing.........

13

Auto Focus, 'Cuz I Ain't No Holla Back Gurl...... I Ain't No Holla Back!

"What a long strange trip it's been." Grateful Dead

"A few times I've been around that track, so it's not just gonna to happen like that 'cuz I ain't no hollaback girl." Gwen Stefani

The first seven months of the year have been a journey, very formidable, to say the least. My journey has been twisted filled with obstacles and turns, along the way there have been sites of interest, wonderment and surprise. I have been victorious in triumph and defeat. Had clear vision in darkness, as in light. Found reasons to be hopeful in times of sheer bliss and utter despair. I have gained enemies once believed to be friends, and been afforded goodwill thru opposition. I have never been a religious person, but a praying one, and I am thankful that I reap the benefits of small talks with my GOD (Good Orderly Direction). And I have found GOD in some of the strangest places and situations. My great grandmother used to say that God looks out for babies and fools. I have often wondered which was I, particularity as the days go by. While the last seven months have left me, pretty much unscathed, strong evidence that there is a GOD, I have been scratched by close calls and lessons that I have seemingly ignored. I am intelligent enough to realize my time is running short, and that at some point I will suffer severe consequences as a result of my ongoing poor choices. Or shall I say, unwillingness to make choices altogether. It would be exaggerating if I were to say I've made little decisions aside from possibly what I am going to eat or not eat for dinner. But in essence it is probably 85% accurate. I have allowed situations to dictate a forced solution, not a choice, in other words I have been forced in most decisions believing there would be favorable results. Or the victim in me will say such.
It wasn't until a recent battle with a yet another, small case of hives , ongoing frustration, and a sheer desire to get what I want, did I decide it was time to reclaim my life. Now, I've had a good time. Since January, there have been significant positive changes in my life. Yet, I believe that there are some things I have held onto because I am nostalgic or just plain afraid, paralyzed with fear, ya know.
My girl Ife's message states:
"Hey, I'm going thru some shit and because of that I had to make some changes in my life, and if you don't get a call back, you were one of them."
I believe this is the stance I am going to take til the end of the year. Not entertain anything or anyone that does not have an added value to my current life's situations. And when asked why, I'm simply say, "I'm going thru some shit and because of that I needed to make some changes......."