HBO, Behaviors and Six Feet Under...

I cried! It snuck upon me like a cold sore the night before a big date... And when it did, I was relieved....
Last night was the series finale of one of my favorite shows "Six Feet Under". What a ride! I laughed (they did have some funny death scenes), cried, grew, and bonded with co-workers/friends who shared the same dark humor as I.
I think I cried because I'm grieving. Like the show, I have to say goodbye to things I love. And man, it's no easy task. Being sick makes you philosophical, or at least you like to think you are. Perhaps it was the medication, which is why they tell "patients" such as myself not to make major decisions while on medication. I have been taking a narcotic cough medication, and aside from sleep I've found a new method in which to ramble on and on. Like if you REALLY WANNA KNOW ABOUT ME CALL between 11:00 pm and 1:00 am when the meds have kicked in, it's like TRUTH SERUM.
I also believe the time has come. I have revisited where I used to be, and the hell if I don't miss it. What I miss most is the sense of security I had with me and the level of comfort I had within my own skin. Somewhere along the line I decided I wanted to be more UHHHH!, I don't know, something, and the K........ as I know her got lost in the jungle of trying to be politically correct like B, to be this person that is comfortable with hugs from strangers (I'm not), appealing to the masses even when I know they could give a fck about me and me them (uncomfortable), being clandestine, mysterious (cuz you really don't know a lot about me, do you?) and not being selective (I am). Okay, selective sounds jacked up, but I am good in one on one, type situations. I'm stretching if you place me in a group of five and not one person would I consider my true ally (I go crazy!). So not in the childish clique's sense, only in the sense that I need only one person per personality type around me and I don't do victims well. Actually, I don't do them at all. So, I've turned into the person who looks at their phone before answering, 'cuz I really don't want to talk to everybody all the fcking time. My live journal and blog do well with communicating with most. And they do contain double meanings.
I'll end this with an apology, (behaviors I will bury)'cuz to say I'm sorry would be lying, to those I've knowingly and unknowingly offended, made disparaging remarks regarding and about, not giving the attention (you'd say respect using the vernacular) you felt you deserved, faking the attention you believed you deserved, talking when I should have been listening, listening when I should have been talking, asking (using my mean voice) who you were when you called my phone, giving you my number when I had no future intention or reason for you to talk to me, taking your number when I had no intention or reason to talk to you, answering the phone when I wanted to do something else/be somewhere else/talk to someone else, spending time with you when I wanted to be with someone or somewhere else (only one person... APOLOGIZE!) anyone I told I was ten minutes away or would be there in ten minutes, the check is in the mail (Bill collector's and Taylor Mali, that one time last week. APOLOGY, PRETTY PLEASE? I will send it in the morning, I was sick all weekend!!), I just left the house (thank God for technology), I don't have a home phone (well, now I really don't), anyone I told I'll be back and I never came back or if you're still waiting (you can go), saying I was sleep when I wasn't, saying I wasn't sleep when I was, allowed you to lie to me WHEN I KNEW YOU WERE LYING (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, I'M NOT AS CUTE, I mean STUPID, AS I LOOK, on the rare occasions that I lied, (You're not as stupid as I looked telling the lie) for every feeling I hurt when I shouldn't and for every feeling that wasn't hurt when I should, for everyone I flirted with and I had no intention of doing anything, and for everyone who flirted with me and I ignored you, for frowning when I should have smiled, and for smiling when I should not have, for your forgiveness and I continue to disappoint, for my forgiveness and you continue to be yourself, for everyone I avoided and I should have faced, for everyone I faced and should have avoided, for every drink that was bought and I gave it to someone else, for every drink I bought and you gave to someone else, and lastly for everyone's hand that I shook after I coughed last week (this shyt is dangerous and I hope you don't get it), and for other major or minor (depending on your tune) offense I have committed being of sound mind, not under the influence of Heiniken, Shiner Bock, or the newly favored RED-Headed Sluts, I offer a sincere apology.....