Take Your Hands Off The Fcking Bar

"What you don't know is that I would move mountains for you. I just can't seem to overcome the ant hills that prevent me from reaching you. I love you. I just can't get past my past hurts and I am unable to open the present you're willing to offer in the present. That's what you don't know." Paraphrased.....
I feel sorry for people who are unable to experience love. True love. Funny, most people would take me for the type of person that would need a lifetime to devote themselves to one person. That I was an accomplished flirt, who enjoyed the chase, never being satisfied with the humdrum of a committed relationship. I like variety, cuz I change my mind and my thoughts quickly, I'm aloof, standoffish, seemingly noncommittal. I mean, to ask, 13, why haven't you married or had any kids; I would immediately reply "I've never met anyone I trusted to commit to me for a lifetime, let alone commit to me, 1.5 children and our future. It just won't happen in this lifetime." But what you don't know is that I believe I fell hard for love in my third lifetime, we spent forever in the swell of our smiles, riding the rise in our cheeks as we laughed at life and each other, echoed the one another's heartbeat, swallowed the other's breaths to sustain our very existence. And when I took my last, it was in the pool of those brown eyes, and the dampness of tear stained cheeks that helped me find solace at my death. I've never recovered. That is the love I shall look for each time I return. It also explains why I love deep soft brown eyes. Yet check my track record is tainted. Two failed significant lasting relationships (8 years and 6 years)and two broken engagements, one I broke in undergrad the other the first year of grad school. Kenny was a basketball player who did not respect my desire to remain pure for our wedding so he proposed thinking he would get a compromise. As he put it, "You do have the ring." I had other plans and spent my entire summer in bars and clubs, flirting, increasing my tolerance level of fine liquor, and getting to know myself. In the fall of my sophomore year, I returned his ring and crushed his pride. The fall of my 1st year in Grad school, I did the same to Ben. He was the proto-type, beautiful mind and body. He was from Spain, and until a few years ago, the love of my life. However, my Ricky Lake a la Starr Jones radar went off one too many times. I returned his ring and he crushed my heart. Funny, I thought he would be happy to be free. He didn't. He said he wanted me. Needed me in fact. To this day, the words "I need you" prompt fear in my heart. I say all this to say nothing, yet everything...
Olu has a song entitled "My World Won't Let Me Go"
I wanna talk about something that's on my mind
I gotta let you know
I wanna be with you
and leave the rest behind,
but my world won't let me go...
Can someone love you and want the best for you when they are not ready to give you what you need? Do we really need time to heal or is it our selfish way of saying we want our cake and we want to fcking eat it to. Once a friend asked me about love, his words were, "I'm ready to be married, and she acts like she wants to hit the club." Even a family member asked me if she should leave her wayward boyfriend of a decade, who was now faithful, and lived in a different city. She stated she didn't want a long distance relationship. She wanted more. She felt empty. On each occasion I kept a very tip lip, paraphrased, asked questions to guide them to their own answers and ultimate conclusion. Why am I saying this? Does it have significance in my life today? On some level it does. I mean, we say we want someone special. That we want someone to love us. Really love us. Then when it presents itself we are stuck in the past. Stuck in some past hurt. In some past relationship. Mentally we are a million miles from where we need to be.
A very close friend is single again. Daily I listen to rants and reviews about various "potentials". "I miss companionship." "It's hard it is to find someone in Austin." With each potential and/or possibility there is a complaint of some sort. Now that she's finally found someone who met her stringent list of requirements. A person she perused diligently after meeting on the fly a few weekends ago. After one date and the potential planning of another. You know what she said .
Are you really ready?
"I don't want the _______________ on my tit. I want some freedom. Some space."
I think to myself, "make up your fcking mind." You either want someone or you don't. And I feel sorry for her. Real sorry for her. Who doesn't want to experience the possibility of love. Especially new love. If I met someone who matched my list, and believe me, mine is worse then hers, I would jump on it, strap on and ride it like the Texas Cyclone at fcking 6 Flags. What she doesn't know is you can't enjoy the fcking ride if you're gonna keep your eyes closed, and not take your hands off the bar.... You gotta open your eyes, and sometimes, the wind is gonna blow hard enough to jerk you back in your seat, cause your eyes to tear, but you can see what's coming, you can prepare and anticipate it, as a matter of fact you're looking forward to the moment you can look down that huge curve, take your hands off the bar and scream as if your fcking life depended on it.....

Day Dreaming and I'm Thinking of You

Taalam "Fcking" Acey was in OUR SPOT last night. OUR FCKING SPOT. We have had our share of INTERNATIONAL SPOKEN WORD SUPERFCKIN SUPERSTARS IN OUR HOUSE.. Mahogany Browne, Jive Poetic, Marc Marcel and now Taalam Acey...We will be that VENUE in CENTRAL TEXAS... Last night was probably one of the top single best poetic experiences of my life. In less than two months I have performed on the same stage/floor with my idols.. i.e Mahogany Browne, Taalam Acey, Jive Poetic, Marc Marcel and Christopher "Fluke" Lee. It has been sweet!!! Thanks Hustle and June for making a poet's wet dream come true.... Now, if someone knows Suheir Hammad, please give a sistah a call. The house, being Neo-Soul Lounge had a pretty good crowd. The audience sat back taking it all in, tryin' to front on the word. But before it was all over, you could tell they were feeling it...Jo Lee McCoy (see Scef n'em link) did his thang... Damn Mississippi Soul Man. Brother made it feel like an India Aire. video (al la I Am Ready For Love). The last piece he spit was incredible... he says he's a musician who writes poetry sometimes... Yea right! We had a couple of the folks from the Austin Slam scene slip in and take it all in. We, as hospitable as always offered the community beer and extended our mic. Now Taalam (OHHH MY GOD, IS THAT HIM) performed two of my favorite erotic pieces Aura #2 Withdrawal and What You Deserve, extremely sensual, made me want to hurry on home now.... DAMN POET!!! He closed his set with the incredible "What If This Was God's Work" a plea for poets to do the mic justice, to see what we do as a religion, not as a means of getting some ass. It was, as always absolutely amazing I encourage you to purchase his cd.....
My life right now is on a platter, a soul food buffet. I mean fried pork chops, greens, fried cabbage, candied yams, mac and cheese, sweet cornbread, and some sickly sweet, muthafckin red kool-aid. In other words, nostalgic (reminding me of the experiences we must live to and get thru), sticking to my ribs, rich and fulfilling, heavy, pleasing, could give you a heart attack, but you're too busy savoring every moment, to think of the negative consequences. Who da fck cares? Ya only live once, at least in this shell. So I sit, wait and day dream. I day dream of love taking and making. I day dream for my biological family, that we continue to find peace, happiness, and comfort from and with one another. I day dream for my poetic family, that their dreams and wishes are fulfilled. I day dream of baths filled with rose petals and jasmine. I day dream of Oshun, the Yoruban Goddess of love; hoping she's not just visiting, flirting at my door, but is really willing to stay awhile, perhaps a lifetime. I day dream cuz my life seems nothing shy of it... I day dream cuz it contains my next breath, my next heart beat, my next thought....I day dream cuz my next poem depends upon it.....

HOW DID THEY KNOW?

Your Birthdate: January 20

Your birth on the 20th day of the month adds a degree of emotion, sensitivity, and intuition to your reading. The 2 energy provided here is very social, allowing you to make friends easily and quickly. Yet you are apt to have a rather nervous air in the company of a large group. You have a warmhearted nature and emotional understanding that constantly seeks affection. You are very prone to become depressed and moody, as emotions can turn inward and cause anxiety and mental turmoil. It can be hard for you to bounce back to reality when depression sets in. When things are going well, you can go just as far the other way and become extremely affectionate.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Your Dominant Thinking Style:

Exploring You thrive on the unknown and unpredictable. Novelty is your middle name. You are a challenger. You tend to challenge common assumptions and beliefs. An expert inventor and problem solver, you approach everything from new angles. You show people how to question their models of the world.

Your Secondary Thinking Style:

Modifying Super logical and rational, you consider every fact available to you. You don't make rash decisions and are rarely moved by emotion. You prefer what's known and proven - to the new and untested. You tend to ground those around you and add stability.

What's Your Thinking Style?

Your Love Style is Eros

For you, love is all about the passion! And chances are, you're currently in love. You have a strong physical response to love... And you are great at committing (As long as the person makes your toes curl!)

What's Your Love Style?

Your Seduction Style: The Dandy

You're a non-traditionalist, not limited by gender roles or expectations. Your sexuality is more fluid than that - and you defy labels or categories. It's hard to pin you down, and that's what's fascinating about you. You have the psychology of both a male and a female, and you can relate to anyone.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

Damn.... how did they know? My boobs names are "betty ann veronica". If I were a stripper my name would be "muse".

QUIZICALLY ME

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

oKAY, i SPENT SOME TIME AT LUNCH TAKING QUIZES. aCTUALLY, LIKE THE DARTH VADAR B-S i WONDERED IF i SHOULD POST. sOME, LIKE mICHELLE AND jO WILL GET A KICK OUT OF THE RESULTS..... ESPECIALLY THE sHANE "THING". i WAS ON MY OTHER JOURNAL AND RAN ACROSS A YOUNG POET dELICA WHO COMPLETES THESE QUIZES. THEY REALLY ARE PRETTY COOL, A DIFFERENT WAY OF SEEING YOURSELF. tRY IT OUT IF YOU'RE NOT AFRAID OF THE RESULTS....
hOLLA 13

can i b yur skoolgurl?

Ring. Ring.
"Hey."
"Hey."
"watchaduin?"
"trying to write."
"i told you I'd be your fckin' muse."
"and what a muse you've been. this one is not that good though."
"no?"
"don't think so. got to tweak it. i'll e-mail it."
"okay."
"talk to you later. i l--------- ." damn sprint phone.
"................... u, o." thru smiles.....
dial tone.
CAN I BE YOUR SCHOOL GIRL....
can I be your school girl
crushin' hard on
thickly sweet
penny brown
doe eyed
wide smiled
lover
who rocks my world?
who causes giggles
to swell at the tip top
of my spine?
travel down to
spin out of control
between the warmth and
misty dampness
of my pre-adolescent thighs?
my thoughts running
wild
like lilies blowing
in a field
filled with fantasies
of you?
can i be your school girl
with now o' later
flavored
kisses to
shower upon
the cotton candy colored
curious dip
in the fullness
of your bottom lip?
green apple jolly rancher
sticky fingered
notes scented
with hello kitty perfume
passed between
hot sweaty hands and
desks and smiles
for miles of on looking eyes
in math class
as my heart
skips tiny little beats
as i wait and anticipate
a check in the box
that reads
"i like u, do u like me 2?"
can i be your school girl
hold hands,
at sock hops slow drag,
then steal glimpses and
kisses
behind wooden benches
with our friends laughter
filling the air?
but me and you we
just don' care..
we hold our breaths
for dear life
'til there's nothing left
as adulthood steals
our wistful dreams
of puppy love
and childhood innocence
then one day i'll
reminisce
of what it was like
to be a school girl
crushing hard on you.......
FADE2BLACK
e-mail: good morning
reply to sender: good morning
e-mail: how are you?
reply to sender: missing you? thinking?
e-mail: really? about?
reply to sender:
INSIDEYOU
I want you
to part your lips
so that I may taste
forever in your kiss...
the sweet nectar
of your tongue,
causes hips to sway
fluidly.......
e-mail: laughter. I got it. You're not gonna blog it?
reply to sender: not all of it.....
FADE2BLACK

CANWESTAYTHISWAY

FADE2LIGHT
Dialtone
Speed dial: 116
"good morning."
"good morning." early morning voice whispers thru cellular towers massaging aching nerves and tension from clinch muscles reacting to slow traffic and flashing brake lights. we talk as we trail each other into the city.
"how are you?"
"better then before."
"are you happy?"
"yes." the word almost forcing it's way thru my simple smiles. warmth swells in my heart. "very. you're smiling aren't you?".
"yes?"
"why?"
"cuz I'm happy, too."
"do you think we can stay this way?"
"yes?"
"I l....... u." damn sprint phone. "did you hear me?".
"yes, I l...... oo." as voice breaks in thin air, and blows thru my locks. I feel the smile in the words and allow them to fill the gaping wounds in my heart. voice continues, "baby, what are you doing?".
"thinking."
"about?".
FADE2BLACK
1:30 am music in background, KEM - SAY
Baby say
What's on your mind
What's on your mind
I've been here all morning waitin'
For your answer I'm waitin'
I've been sober long enough to remember
How good love is
How sweet your love is
Notwithstanding my crime
Say you remember how good love can be baby
Say you'll never lose your faith in me baby yeah
candlelight sways to melodic rhythm,
dances on the ripples of scented bath,
glistens in the shadows shading the darkness.
one sits in warmth of bath.
one sits on floor.
eyes meet.
eyes smile.
FADE2BLACK

Grand, I want you to meet......

Dial tone:
Speed Dial: 001
Ring
"you have reached the voice messaging system of.." at&t automated voice
"good." I mumble under my breath.
Dial tone
FADE2BLACK
Speed Dial: 003
Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring.
No one answers. I allow it to ring for two minutes and one second, before it finally flatllines to a sickening dial tone. I lost count of the number of rings, as I had begun a conversation along the hazed fuzz and white noise lingering in the background of my thoughts. My voice reaching out along the cellular towers and optic fiber cables buried deeper then her shallow grave. Six feet is not deep enough. Six feet of soil I reach to dig with calloused mind, longing for the routine in her voice. Needing the routine of the method in which we entertained ourselves. Creavices in brain mane and paralyze my tongue. I mumble conversation to teeth and gums, hoping that it would reach her aging ears.
"I miss you. I love you. I have meet someone and I am very happy." I say to empty space in phone, relieved that after nine months no one has been given her number.
FADE2BLACK
Speed Dial: 003
"ma-ga-reet?"
"yes, Kim," replied the voice. "don't nobody call here with that mess but you. howyadoin'babee? everything alright up there?"
"I'm all right. grand, watchaduin'?"
"nothin' babee, grand, is just sitting here in this old chair tryin' to fin' sumthin' on this t.v.. it ain't nuthin' on though."
"you feeling all right?"
"I'm duin' alright, I guess. I dunno. just got these pains in my stomach. the doctor said that there's nuthin' wrong, but babee, grand knows sumthin' just ain't right. I shouldn't feel like this. ya kno'? I'm tired all the time. I jus' don't feel like myself."
"what'd they say?"
"they keep saying ain't nunthin' wrong. they're sendin' me to take some more tests. i talked to your sister about them. your daddy came by here the other day. he sure looked handsome. Roy's always been a goodlookingman."
"yea, he was visiting Austin and was driving down to see Aunt Ruth. he said he would come by when he got there."
Long silence.
"grand?"
"yea babee."
"you sure you're all right. you sound distracted."
"babee, i'm alright. i'm just sittin' here."
Long period of silence.
"grand. you must have finally found something on tv." i say aloud, knowing she would deny channel surfing like a teenager.
"naw, ain't nothing on."
"okay. I'll call you in a couple of days. I'll let you look at t.v. and get some rest. I love you."
"I love you, too."
Dial tone.
FADE2BLACK
Dial tone.
Speed dial: 003.
Busy signal.
"she has to be the only person in the world without two way. she must be talking to Judy or Cindy. I better get in touch with her before she gets out for the day. I'll call in an hour." i say to myself..
I am distracted as I am looking at mindless reality television. On what appears to be a beautiful Saturday morning, I do not want to relive the terror of 9/11 which is dominant on all of the other stations.
Phone rings. I do not recognize the phone number. It is a 210 area code. It has to be someone in San Antonio.
"Hello?"
Dial tone
I redial the number which appeared on my caller ID.
"You have reached the voicemail of James Beli...."
Dial tone
Redial
"You have reached the voicemail of James Be...."
Dial tone
Redial
"You have reached the voicemail of Ja...."
Dial tone.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
"Hello."
"Kim?"
"Yea James, wazup?"
"Kim, it's Grand. She passed away this morning....My momma and Jada...."
Dial tone.
FADE2BLACK
Dial tone
Speed Dial: 003
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG...
"ma-ga-reet"
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG...
"grand? watchaduin? I just wanted to talk....."
FADE2BLACK

WATDAFCK?

Star Wars Horoscope for Aquarius

You can be cruel and torment people who disagree with you. Deep down, there is a peace-loving, friendly side to you. You have a knack for inflicting pain on people and use your intellect during battle. Star wars character you are most like: Darth Vader

What is Your Star Wars Horoscope?

I was visiting Fluke's Live Journal. Thought I'd give this mess a try. I was kind of afraid, you never know about these things. Almost didn't post the results. Chuckled. Then, I thought it was funny as sht, considering my exploits of late. Then, I thought about it again, it was just something to entertain. Then, I thought about it again. Thought about it again. Thought about it again. And again. And again. And again. And then I realized, there is nothing wrong with me.
Vadar is needed. I am needed. So is Simon Cowell for that matter. Vadar is what creates balance in the UNIVERSE. That was HIS ROLE. Do you know how difficult it is to know who you are, know your role and follow thru with it despite others and societal norms? With the mounting pressure of other's telling you that you're wrong, or worse SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU.
I'm experiencing a dilemma. I am very comfortable with me. Comfortable within my own skin. I am often uncomfortable around others because of their lack of comfort with self and their lack of self knowledge. Some people stir fear in others because of their sense of self and well being. I believe I am one of those people. I am not arrogant or conceited. Matter of fact, my self esteem is probably lower then others. I just know me, and do me well. Very few people can say they talk to me more then once a week, and that includes when they see me at the poetry joint. I am around a lot of people, but I don't feel comfortable around all of them and with all of them. Where do you draw the line? Especially when people are unable to recognize their role and it infringes upon you and your personal space? Vadar was fierce and unflappable because of past hurts and experiences, actually he learned better then others from those experiences. They were truly lessons implemented into his core existence..
So now, I'm looking at this Darth Vadar horoscope. Feeling good, yet strange. I mean, people view him as a monster a tyrant.... but what they don't know is that he loved as deeply as he lived. Even more so, at his death, he was acknowledged by the light..... Was it his ability to follow the hiercarchy of needs, and experience what few have? Self- Actualization.......

"we're gonna need lots of drinks."

"Flap, one of your strengths has always been your ability to recognize your weaknesses. This is one of them." Aurora Greenway.

Speed dial: 028
phone rings.
"what's up, 26 year?" voice says thru yawn. "you a'right. it's late."
"what's down, 26 year?" I respond flatly.
"talk to me."
"it is happening again. you know i don't like "groups of friends" and "in" crowds. i especially don't like people thinking they know me. i don't like being a part of. i am a loner. and as it always does. despite my best efforts, fall a part. and as usual i internalized the lines from one of our favorite childhood films."
"you didn't," voice says thru laughter, "you still doing that same stuff i see. you never change."
i smile thru words, "never. if not for me, who? well i have found one that has me considering the possibility. but I would never admit it to another soul, but you."
"still using dogmatic and opinionated? you paced didn't you? talked with your hands? continued 'til you pissed at least one person off?" I could tell that there was a lot of head shaking on the other line.
"yup."
"when will you learn?"
"when the pain is greater then the reward."
"same reward, 26 years later?"
"yup."
"do they know?"
"they don't care."
"did anybody die?"
"no, no one died. funny, i haven't been able to kill anyone off. haven't quite gotten thru the ceremony in my mind. remember how I used to say, as they spoke, with each word, a shovelful of dirt fell upon their coffin? then I could just walk away and never look back. can't seem to do that with them. they keep coming back. or at least I do."
"maybe you're learning how to forgive."
"please, that's not taylor-like."
"i think it is."
"then why do i want to retreat? listen to good music. read good words. drink good liquor. and have good sex. i do not want to be responsible for other's feelings. and i don't expect other's to be responsible for mine. we all make choices."
"mother's curse/father's legacy?"
"yup."
"you're not that cold anymore. why do you try so hard to be?"
"it's safer."
"have you talked to my mom?" voice asks, changing the subject, but i knew where the conversation was heading.
"not this week. you, of all people know i have to do this my way."
"it's not working."
"it's working. the perimeter of the fortress is safe. besides, when i need. I have you, 26 years later."
"and another 26 years."
"you think?"
"you haven't run me off yet."
"have i tried?"
"naw. i just met you when things were innocent. when it was easy to forget. when it didn't hurt, ya kno'?"
"yup. and now, i just can't remember."
"remember what?"
"what it's like not to."
"i know. i know. i love you 26."
"i love you, too, 26."
Dial tone.

BE - cuzuwillnvrknow

Last night's writing exercise with a group of friends. Needs a lot of work. Posted for feedback.
writing exercise: use the following topic and 8 words in a poem. you may change the tense of the word.

time: 20 minutes
topic - hope
words - agape (mythical god) aspire
overinduldge only
linger languish
nonchalance nurture


BE-bcuzuwillnvrknwhowmuch
I overindulge, and cling to
hope lingering
along your shattered lifelines.
your mind says closed
as surely as the words
are written upon your vacant eyelids…
yet, I see what I want
hear what I want.
whispers from voices
skulking in the shadows
of your larynx
seemingly speak
only to me along seams and binds
where heart lines
fade between that which exists,
that which can be
and that which shall be revealed….
dreams shade smiles
which pose as your touch,
to nurture my nonchalance
which is often disguised as fear.
heartbeats dissipate and languish
in the cradle of my tears.
i am weakened at your sight,
blinded by your caress.
in life like dreams i
aspire to be the inception
of your heart’s desire
of your heart’s every beat
beat for me,
beat with me
i long to be the reflection that hides
behind the blinds of your minds eye
to erase memories veiled in doubt.
i offer me in exchange
for that which pains
keeps us a part.
i offer me in sacrifice
for past hurts.
i give you me
as i communion with eros and agape
for strength to
trudge in past footsteps
which trampled our
possibilities..
for there is no weight
that my heart can bear
there is no other my heart
can bear
can I? will you?
allow me
to


Now, I have suspended the Fade2Black series for a couple of days. It will be back shortly. I am unsure what I want to do with it... And need to seek counsel, as I am including real people, and I need to protect their identity... HAHAHA
here was the code: Sun - God
No one in particular (for my poet friends!!!)
all the other voices know who they are..... or they could have been in my head!!!!
holla
13andtheysaythatshytaintlucky

Can U B 1 N D Same?

FadeFROMBlack
"I'll call you back," she said as her voice surfed telephone lines traveling a million miles back into the darkness for what seemed like centuries. The deafening tone, ending our conversation exchanged pleasantries with my shallowed eardrums. I would here what I wanted. The finality in the conversation was clear. We would not speak until morning. I am disgusted by my casual dishonesty, and unwillingness to face the inevitable. I look out of my cracked blinds toward the moon. It is shining. Another lie, the moon, like myself, is void of light, yet we utilize our guile and wit to maintain our luster. My thoughts had so much to say, but I would again be silenced by the sun. She is using the moon to mask her consideration and favor toward me. I hear her in the muted silence that danced along dust particles floating in the air. "No," I answer, "I am closing the blinds, but I will leave the curtains open."
FADE2BLACK
Text message. I don't take text messages, but I read it out of curiosity as it is late. KA made the Fort Worth Team, it reads. I return the call in an instant, as I am battling my mother's curse and father's legacy. I dial the number. Phone rings. Answer. "Did you get my message?" asks the voice on the other end. "Yea," I say in a moistly flat tone. In that moment, I am pleased and happy for him, yet, reminded of the San Antonio finals. I become angry and offended. My mind begins to prepare a tonic elixer of broken ego and false pride in a martini glass for my consumption. I am not thirsty for envy. My palate cries relief and I am happy for my friend, whom I've grown to love like a brother. He has worked hard. I celebrate. He beeps into the call, as the voice and I knew he would. But the voice is affably familiar and we fall back into old habit. Voice feels like worn shoes on hard wood floor. Sturdy. All knowing. We talk thru the night about nothing and everything. I am reminded of the back of my hand. I turn it over to follow the patterns of creases and wrinkles which twist, turn, curve, and form around knuckles, fingers and nail bed. That voice has traveled these patterns and creases with me. We had come together, grown old together, learned lessons together, gone thru trials together and I am reminded that we have gotten thru past indiscretion separate, yet together. We have so many more miles to travel together along our journey. I reach my hand into the darkness toward Love. Thank you, I whisper.
Fade2Black
HIP HOP and I are traveling 685. We are racing anyone willing to challenge us, though we are not formidable foes. We laugh at other's insolence. The sun is beaming. It is a beautiful day. The highway seems to form and fit to our little standard tires as we ride the high of being free and topless on this beautifully crisp morning. John Legend is telling us how he used to love us, but not like he used to. We could care less. Winds blow to part my light brown locks flowing in the breeze. I feel the sun's embrace as her rays gently kiss my favorite spot on the back of my neck.
Fade2Black
Phone rings. "Good morning, Lover." "Good morning." I say. Dial tone. We smile at each other thru cellular towers.
Fade2Black
Phone rings. "What's up?" I ask. Voice is angry. Voice is hurt. I become angry with voice. I hurt voice. I hang up. Dial tone.
Fade2Black
"What's up, Baby. Are you okay?" I allow brown eyes to fix what was once broken thoughts. As I stood in morning sun, I felt the warmth of the love. In that moment they were one in the same. Dial tone.
Fade2Black
Phone rings. "I'm sorry. I just learned a lesson. I can be extreme. I crack cheap joke." Dial tone.
Fade2Black
Phone rings. "Hey" voice says breathlessly, yet sexy. That smile embraces me thru phoneline. Sun shines thru my office window.
THEYR1NDSAME.

whereubeen....y'dutakesolong?

I awoke, after a restful night's sleep to the smell of peony and vanilla. My arms wrapped tightly around a silhouette which only hours ago, was a grey blanket, folded and molded to resemble a body. A precaution, the previous three nights to stave off loneliness and longing, or what I refer to as my mother's curse and my father's legacy... I hate sleeping alone. I take two depthless breaths, in an attempt to take it all in. One sigh, two moans, ten quicken heartbeats, and a gentle nudge later, we position ourselves, forming the perfect spoon. Sun invades our privacy, skating along threads and seams along blades and peeking thru bottom where the blind and window sill meet. She is anxious and very busy this morning. Despite the presence of stratus clouds, she seems determined to have her way and disturb this moment. I liken her to a jealous lover, if I cannot have you, no one will. Her rays nudging me from slumber to ponder. Breathing now rhythmically paced, I place one leg around silhouette, softly kiss back of moled neck, and "whisper good morning, baby". I am greeted with that which rivals your sun... a smile and those eyes.... Sun, shamed by this simple act, retreats behind steady gray of stratus clouds.... I ask thru dampness of swallowed tears which well in the cradle of my soul......
whereubeen? y'dutakesolong? howlongcanustay?
FADE2BLACK
I am walking across Lamar to Starbucks. I am on the phone. I look to my left. I am transfixed by illumination which transcends light. Reaching toward it, I stop in my step. Turn to face on coming traffic. My arms stretched outward, hands open, to receive. Eyes wide. Dry tears creep into corners of lip. I see. I do not cry. I refuse to be moved. Horns wail, tires screech......
FADE2BLACK
Sun peers thru steady gray and sneers down at me. Her look says I am foolish. She chills, does not warm. She demands, "Where have YOU been? Why are YOU taking so long? I do not answer immediately. I remind her that I have acknowledge light. Even received light. Allowed it to warm my embittered soul. She reminds me that it is not her. That I cannot allow another to fill that void. Pleadingly, I explain, this is the light I want. This is the light I need. This is all I need in this place and time. It is only here that I can grow. She rolls behind steady gray. I know she is angry. I retreat childlike behind the fold of my worn jacket. I know it not is over. I know we will meet again....
FADE2BLACK
Sun tickles my arm. Seems playful. Beckoning me to get into HIP HOP and take a ride during my lunch hour. The Sun, HIP HOP and I are considering the idea. Phone rings. The sun allows cloud to float by. I know she is thinking, wondering, as she would have never allowed a simple cirrus to dull her shine. The phone gives birth to a melodious voice, which lyrically seeps light thru receiver. I am warmed. I smile. From my desk, with half lowered blind, thru plexiglas, I see sunlight run backward into the distance. The flowers in the little garden outside my window sway in her invidiousness. I know it is not over.... But, I do not attempt to reason. She knows my truths. I know her weakness. I lie, yet I offer no apology, simply say that I am sorry as an afterthought. And I continue to seek comfort and solace thru the words which seemingly embrace me thru the phone line. As she eavesdrops, the sun reminds me casually that she is here, thru the clouds, and in the dark of night. The sun asks.. willitalwaysbethesame? howlongwillthevoiceonthephoneremain?
FADE2BLACK
The sun stills flowers in little garden outside my window. I see vibrant blues, yellows, greens and shades of orange. I long for brown eyes with wide smile. Sun burns harder to expose shadows of beauty which skate across concrete barely visible thru plexiglas. An invitation. An outstretched hand. She asks, "howlongwilludenyme?" I close eyes to ponder, as I pick up the phone to dial and seek warmth thru melodious voice, whose high cheeks hide the secret in our laughter, a broad smile which once kept us both dry on stormy days, and eyes that reflect the person I want to be. And I plead............ can'tubeoneinthesame?
FADE2BLACK

let there be light, or can someone light a frickin' match?

Today is the 11th day of the month. Today is our 11th. It is also Anything Can Happen Day (Mickey Mouse Club). Eleven is my favorite number and Wednesday is my favorite day of the week. So this morning as I awoke, I proclaimed that Wednesday the 11th would be chocked full of surprises. That all my life's problems would be resolved by 11:11 am, or at least under serious review by 11:11 pm. Well the resolution did not occur. But one nasty little issue was finalized. My 1996 Volkswagen Jetta, affectionately known as "Dutchess" was hauled away by a gentleman named Joey, who promised to find her a good home. But before he gave old Dutchess a ride, he had the mitigated gaul to ask if Hip Hop was the car he was taking away. Hip Hop is my girl, she's not just some car!! So we BOTH looked thru him, as if he were foolishly invisible. Hip Hop has one clear and one smoke tinted headlight, which I swore matched my curiously piercing stare in that moment. I could tell by Joey's smile when I answered no, that he thought HIP HOP was winking at him. In that moment I was reminded why I hate it when she tries to imitate my stares and gazes, 'cuz she gives the wrong impression. She can be a little flirt at times! ANYWAY we determined that while Joey seemed like a nice guy, he was a HUGE ASS-HOLE for thinking that SHE, a classic 1984 Volkswagen Rabbit was to be towed away. I mean the monstrous beast he drove couldn't tow HIP HOP's molding (which was laying in the back seat), let alone her fine chaise. To make matters worse I was a little shaky as it was after noon and I had yet to get high on my favorite job related drug (bold toffee nut misto). And the only food I've eaten since Saturday afternoon has been two 1.5 bags of cheez-its, one s'mores granola bar, a hand full of peanuts, and three beef/chicken nachos (not a plate, but individual nachos). I still have no appetite.
I had been down the past few days. Grieving as I often do around mother's day. I am also INLUV. And I had lost sight of that emotion. I was so caught up in my loss, fear, and other f'd up emotions that I failed to recognize the love around me. I made a few mistakes over the weekend out of fear which contributed to my bleak outlook and attitude toward things. My tongue is as wicked as it is charming. Thus my official apology to the love of my life.
darkenedsilence:becauseuwillalwaysmeanthatmuch
When I went over to ELM's office today, as I often do, to recharge, get a grip on life... Today I felt a little different, we are celebrating our 11th, an anniversary of sorts. And I felt optimistic, but I wasn't sure until.... (i'm probably gonna get in trouble for giving you guys too much info...)Upon giving the gift, I looked deeply and was soon lost in those brown eyes and felt the warmth of that brilliantly gorgeous smile, all I could think was thank you.... Thank you to the Gods and Heavens, because someone has finally turned on a light.
thir13teen
andtheysayitaintlucky......

the first monday after the storms..... or why mother's day should be erased from my mind

At crooked fork in road.
She asks, “why?”
I, heavy tongued could only ponder.
Did not want to answer,
Could only say
I don’t have the love to carry my lifetime’s weight.
Nightly, I die to shed the pain of rejection
Isolation steals happiness that lies in the corner of my mind
I pray for nightfall because sleep always comes on time.
The shadows are the only lovers I know.
I seek refuge in the arms of silhouettes.
And find comfort in the haunting imprints that remain long after you’re gone.
The sun’s rays chill and freeze an already embittered heart.
I have nothing to give to myself
What I give to others is never enough.
I am a vessel thru which much flows, but I remain empty.
an excerpt from WHiTe BaLLooNS
kimberley d taylor/13

on the eleventh day of september in the year of our lord 2004, i lost the last matron of my village, margaret r belisle (grand). they say it takes a village to raise a child, and i believe it to be true.

It's raining, even though the sun is shining. My soul continues to weep for past indiscretion, current transgressions, and ongoing suppression of scattered emotions which plague my journeyed path. My path littered with fear which poses as debris, is foreignly familiar.. Debilitating. It is secretly mapped upon my dna and perfectly tattooed upon the pulses of blood which race, almost snail-like thru my core. In my humanness and frailties I search for comfort on this path, in this place. Here, only I can paint the depth of it's darkness to block out your sun. That light, hauntingly weakens my spirit in this moment. I sketch another path in my mind's eye. A womb, from which no life can sustain or remain. I have traveled this path, before, as I am conveniently lost on the winding trails of my cranium. Frontal lobe seized, unable to make decisions, void of logic. I do not want to think. I do not want to want. I want to be needless and wantless. I want to shrink in the memories of past life and remember what was once beautiful. In my pain and anguish over your absence, your presence forever remains. In my grief I shall search and find solace on this path as I believe it will one day lead me to you....
mary lou-greatgrand magaret-grand mary elizabeth-mom clara-great aunt suzy-aunt
happy mother's day.... i love you and i miss you..... in this lifetime i will continue to look toward you and in my next lifetime, i will look for you.

erica, jo, michelle, sarah, love, june and mo happy mother's day.
13andtheysaythatshytain'tlucky......

darkenedsilence:because

armsfilledwithregret
you sit.
hands empty.
yet weighed
with hurt and pain
i positioned upon your soul.
tears well in corner
of what was once our smile,
drip to the pout of my lip
and
only
you
taste
the salted bitterness
of my frailities.
despairingly.
i stand
hands void
of solace and comfort.
the brown of your eyes
shade hues of blue.
torrential rain
from clouds
disguised as
pupils
fall
stream
flood
down tip top
of cheeks
that house the secrets
in our laughter.
we sit
counting
the seconds
between
lightening
and thunder.
back to back.
our breaths
our doubt
our hurt
fill the
dark
silent
chasm
moonlighting
as
my waning arms
reaching toward you,
in an apologetic embrace.

Til Your Nipples Are Harder Then Life

As borrowed from Taalam Acey.
Life is a little difficult now. I am not complaining or placing anything out there for the GODs to use against me. I guess I am experiencing growing pains. This weeks been full of twists and turns.
My week since we last talked:
Tuesday - Took a grueling spin class, and then had to go an excursion for a cream dress, as I am to wear it for my sister's wedding on Friday. Funky and tired from spin class wearing sweat socks and my Doc Marten sandals, Tommy Hilfiger warm up jacket, and some torn-up shorts. Yes, I have become part of austin's weird. No luck on the dress. Mind you Erica has been on my azz to find this dress sooner.
Wednesday - No work out, left work early to get my hair re-locked and colored. Hair took forever, as I neglected it a bit, and my girl Betty knows how I like to look. Did the usual black beauty shop thang, had food delivered, took a break to eat, took a break to discuss bootleg cds..... Anyway, when she told me the price my heart sank to my feet, melted under the weight of my body and slide thru a hole in my shoes. It was well worth it though, but there goes that A/F t-shirt I'd been eyeing for the weekend. Luckily Erica found me a dress at the right time.... Man I almost forgot... Big Ups to Suzy, DaShade, and Funky Mike on to the Austin finals. I had to host Neo-Soul... I will get to that on Monday.. not today.... It's was that interesting..
Thursday - Got to Houston. Got wrong directions. Got lost. Called Hotel. Got wrong directions and got lost in Houston. Got lost in Houston. Got lost in Houston. Hot gost in Louston. You get the picture. No one could give good directions. The house party disguised as a wedding rehearsal dinner was interesting. Three parties. My sister and the other sisters in the kitchen drinking "cute" drinks. I was not.. as rum runners and fuzzy navels are a poor excuse to waste good liquor. My dad and Erica, along with a few others were watching the NBA playoffs which was where I wanted to be. And Pierre's family and friends were at the dinner table drinking wine. Now Pierre is Haitian, as are his friends. So no one understood the other, so both families spent the entire night nodding heads and smiling like you often do in foreign countries.
Friday - Had an incredible blog written up for the weeks activities and the hotel connection was lost. So I lost the entire blog. Spent an hour on the phone with Goldentree I.T. staff who were unable to get me thru the firewall. Attended the wedding. Absolutely beautiful. It was the the Groovy Grill Mansion in Houston. A historic mansion renovated, and owned by a black couple (support your locals). Needless to say, we had a great time with the food, dance and company. I later meet some friends and went to a party at a club called Toyz.... What an experience.
I have to fill you in on the details later, but I'm beginning to believe that Houston may become Vegas, what happens in Houston STAYS in Houston.
Each day had disappointments as the week progressed. Just don't want to go into them. But shortlist starting from Friday in reverse order. Lost a friend due to lack of communication and her ongoing disrespect of my values and beliefs. I will live and learn... Learned I don't value the ones I love as much as I need to. I really missed my Dad and didn't realize it until I say him. And never get directions from a hotel clerk.
later... Not until Monday..
13

Whatever, Whatever, Whatever, Whatever, Live at Benaroya Hall..... Seattle, Washington

I am listening to Jill Scott live at Benaroya Hall. She is on my mind. I saw her earlier this year in Dallas. She was, as usual fanfckingtastic! I was extreme in being ghetto or spreading love, as I called B-Fran, 'Shelle and Jo in the middle of the concert so they could get a listen. You decide, I'm sure it was GHETTO. I want to purchase her (Jill's) book of poetry. I am afraid to go to Barnes and Noble as I am on a budget and I want sooooooo much. I liken that store to "crack", Krispy Kreme, Starbuck's and friggin Target. You think you can handle it, but if you like it, I MEAN REALLY LIKE IT, IT HANDLES YOU LIKE A JOHN IN A BACK ALLEY....I also want to purchase Speak, So You Can Speak Again: The Life of Zora Neale Hurston. I want to finish the Famished Road by Ben Okri. I used to sit in Barnes and Noble and read that book, because there was so much I didn't understand. Wish I could find someone to read it with.
Anyway, I am listening to Whatever. Whaterever. Whatever. by Jill Scott. It is an excellent live version. I have not found this cd, anyplace other than, believe it or not, the Media Bar inside my local Starbuck's. The listening bar is in select cities... Austin, TX and Seattle, Washington. The day is cool and mild. The sun, occasionally chuckles as she plays a game of hide and seek with the cumulus clouds. They've played most of the day, the clouds often getting the best of her as she tires so easily on days like this.... Funny, the life span of a cumulus cloud is about 35 minutes, but no more then an hour? HIP HOP and I are going topless as long as we can, (not me, but the car), it's suppose to rain tonight and all day tomorrow. And I want to get as much in as I can.
I responded to Mo's questions in response to my response (if that makes sense), not too hard.
1. Biggest fear? dying alone. letting go.
2. fav. author/poet? Z.... zora neale hurston.
3. best revenge? doing well.
4. most important thing about being a woman? sisterhood and being comfortable in your own skin to accept other women.
5. what can a man (or anyone for that matter) do to impress me? cry for no other reason then to cleanse your soul.
also did the survey on the cities which best suited me, here goes in order scored:
1. philly
2. chi-town
3. new york, but they didn't say neiw haarlem, Harlem, Manhattan, New York, USA..
4. honolulu (they don't know me well at all, there's no where to drive!!!!...must be a paid ad)
5. san fran....
Four out of five ain't bad....
Lastly, I would like for you to rub your hands together and put them close to your monitor (borrowed from Heat Talaam Acey and Archie da Messenger) and pray for my peeps as they enter the second stage of finals at the Austin Poetry Slam: Da'Shade Moonbeam, Suzy, and Funky Mike Whalen!!!!!!! They hit the stage on Wednesday night.....
Hey, while you there keep rubbin 'em til next Monday for my Girl Mo.....
13andtheythatshytain'tlucky....

"Cuz Mo Did It, I Did IT" aka Imitation is the Greatest Form of Flattery

What I'm reading right now:
Science-Based Prevention Programs and Principles by SAMHS, A Thin Skin by Mo Browne, The Autobiography of My Mother by Jamaica Kincaid (actually I am in the process of re-reading it).
What I'm listening to:
A playlist consisting of The Emancipation of Mimi (Mariah Carey), Pieces of Change Disc 1 (Talaam Acey), Salt (Liz Wright), Get Lifted (John Legend) and 1Eleven1 Volume I (a special gift to ELM).
What I'm wearing:
Black pants, Vintage t-shirt (appropriate for business casual wear), Dr. Marten sandals, and Sean John Blue jean jacket (I know it's for dudes, but Puffy got some fly azz gear).
What I'm Working On:
Identification of performance indicators for quality management reviews and statewide initiative strategic plan (work). Poetically, a group piece with 'Shelle, a shyt talking piece (I don't have one yet) and completing a piece entitled Tears... to be continued.
What I look forward to:
Completing a couple of more pieces and consulting with Mo, Marc, B-Fran and Hustle regarding a CD and/or book. A raise. A new job. Mental freedom found in getting thru my current difficult moments.
What annoys me:
Clutter, slow and/or delayed responses, misuse of God-given talents, people who talk too much with little to say, and dreamers who masquerade as doers.
What motto do I live by:
Your silence will not protect you. Audre Lourde
I have come to believe over and over again, that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood. Audre Lourde
We can't all, and some of us don't. That's all there is to it. Eeyore
What I want to Change About Myself:
Learning to accept life on life's terms, all the while knowing that it doesn't need my help or interference. To learn that my job is to get up daily and be the best I can be during my waking hours. To learn to give of myself freely and unselfishly without thought of consequence and personal gain.
What I love about myself:
Loyal. Charming. Conversationalist.
What I dreamt last night:
Don't remember.
What I'm feenin for:
Pancakes and bacon from Frank's, a greasy spoon, a la Mel's Diner, in Houston TX.
What I regret:
Personally, August 2004, not spending that extra hour or so with my grandmother the last time we were together. I was trying to hurry up and get to a slam in San Antonio. She died two and a half weeks later. AIPF slam 2005 (not doing a piece I really wanted to do), San Antonio Slam Finals 2005 (quitting after the first round 'cuz I felt the shyt was shady), and performing Harlem's Loss with singers other then Jai Byrd (it don't sound or feel the same). All of which happened in 4 days... My worst week of poetry to date.
What I learned:
Listen to your inner voice and follow your mind after consulting with your heart and soul. Only the three can assist you in making the best decision.
Where would I move if I left Austin, TX:
Harlem, Manhattan, New York, USA is there anyplace else? Okay maybe Mykonos, Greece.
If I could PRODUCE A TOUR:
It would be two consisting of all women and all men. Suheir Hamad, Mo Browne, Georgia ME, Jeanine Livingston (Fort Worth), and Andrea Gibson (Denver, Colorado). Various styles, different perspectives, DAMN GOOD WRITERS AND PERFORMERS. And the other Talaam Acey (my favorite), Genimeye(I met him, actually had a couple conversations and took a picture with him last year at Nats... This dude was the illest on Def Poetry last season, cool as a friggin fan, was part of the BEST GROUP PERFORMANCE I HAVE SEEN IN LYFE LAST YEAR AT NATS. THEY DIDN"T GET TO SHOW-CASE, cuz of some shyt that broke out in the venue (Fat Tuesday's) which totally took away from some bad ass poets, has beautiful eyes, okay, okay, okay) Jive Poetic, Shane Koyczan and Christopher "Fluke" Lee (Austin, TX.)I just want to go to every show ever leg of the tours...
My biggest mistake in this career:
Starting too late...
What inspires me:
good words, good poetry, good food, good liquor, and good friends that pose as good family. Most of all the village of women that reared this idiot(mary lou, margaret, mary elizabeth, clara and suzy).
My favorite outfit:
Abercrombie & Fitch jeans, weird t-shirt, Sean John blue jean Jacket and my converse.
Favorite word:
whatever (multiple meanings)
My biggest secret:
If I told you it wouldn't be a secret.
Biggest lie I ever told:
I'm sorry.

Thir13Teen + 1

Okay.... The weekend, starting this past Friday was pretty hectic. My poet-in-law Jo called to inform me that Korim da Youngstar (Jonathan) was requested to serve as entertainment at the NESBY Banquet. My "son", Caric was having a house party to celebrate his 14th birthday. Rita, one of my closest friend's son (also named Jonathan, affectionately known as Johnny Boy) was celebrating his first communion. All of this on SATURDAY... Can we spell scheduling conflict? I had to pass on both the first communion and the NESBY Banquet. I have no children. So, parenting is as foreign to me as sobriety to an active alcoholic. I can be humored, but cannot grasp the concept. And boy was I reminded of that!!!!! I had the task of obtaining groceries, i.e. snacks for the party. Well, I took Caric with me, after he promised that he had completed all chores, in preparation of his party. I later learned differently. Also, it was a beautiful day and so HIP HOP (my car)went topless, and we (HIP HOP, Caric and I) basked in the sun, as we drove. Hell, I had no idea that a party for a 14 year old needed so much preparation. I later learned differently, there is a LOT to do. But my usual ADD, fun loving self, took Caric to the store to purchase a birthday shirt. And I need to go to the mall. And we needed a crock pot... I digress, which is what I did with most of the three hours we had to go to the store and set up... Any way, we left his house at about 2:15. I knew we were in trouble at 4:00 when we had no groceries and his mother began to call. Like any kid, WE ignored the initial phone call, in hopes that she would forget the reason she called. She didn't. She called back. I answered the phone. I got heavy breathing and sighs, along with that's why he couldn't go anywhere. I'm feeling bad. I look over at Caric and guess what he does? He gives me this cute side grin, shifts in his seat, cocks his head to the side and gets comfortable as if he going to take a nap!!! No, I mean he literally closed his eyes, all the while mumbling he's used to it and questions the reason I'm not used to it yet. He's funny.. I also learned I would not be a good parent cuz I felt "embarrassed" going to check on them as they partied in the garage. I mean they were wired from sugar... The menu consists of doritos,tostitos, nacho cheese, snickers, hershey kisses, miniature chocolate bars and gallons of sugary - red colored water disguised as "punch". I could not bring it to my consciousness, slow dragging while on speed? I just couldn't happen. But his mother, god mother, aunt and uncle believed it possible. So we were suppose to take turns going into the room. When it was my turn, I knocked, peaked in, and asked if they were okay with the punch. Totally different from the others who barged in as if they were the police. Again, I am not a parent. They all seemed as if they had a good time. They partied no different from the adults I know. Some sat along the wall. Others were talkative. The only three girls at the party choose to fight each other... And it was not over one of the boys at the party. Some stood in the driveway, against his mother's wishes. And there was a steady stream of traffic, all the while bobbing heads to the beats that muffled thru the walls from the garage to the living room where we sat on PATROL. At the end of the night. He was unusually talkative as he stated he was tired and was off to bed.... Hung over from the sugar, the high of turning 14 in a week, the idea that he would get another celebration on his actual birthdate and an upcoming trip to Florida for the entire summer..... Damn, to be 14 again....