Take Your Hands Off The Fcking Bar

"What you don't know is that I would move mountains for you. I just can't seem to overcome the ant hills that prevent me from reaching you. I love you. I just can't get past my past hurts and I am unable to open the present you're willing to offer in the present. That's what you don't know." Paraphrased.....
I feel sorry for people who are unable to experience love. True love. Funny, most people would take me for the type of person that would need a lifetime to devote themselves to one person. That I was an accomplished flirt, who enjoyed the chase, never being satisfied with the humdrum of a committed relationship. I like variety, cuz I change my mind and my thoughts quickly, I'm aloof, standoffish, seemingly noncommittal. I mean, to ask, 13, why haven't you married or had any kids; I would immediately reply "I've never met anyone I trusted to commit to me for a lifetime, let alone commit to me, 1.5 children and our future. It just won't happen in this lifetime." But what you don't know is that I believe I fell hard for love in my third lifetime, we spent forever in the swell of our smiles, riding the rise in our cheeks as we laughed at life and each other, echoed the one another's heartbeat, swallowed the other's breaths to sustain our very existence. And when I took my last, it was in the pool of those brown eyes, and the dampness of tear stained cheeks that helped me find solace at my death. I've never recovered. That is the love I shall look for each time I return. It also explains why I love deep soft brown eyes. Yet check my track record is tainted. Two failed significant lasting relationships (8 years and 6 years)and two broken engagements, one I broke in undergrad the other the first year of grad school. Kenny was a basketball player who did not respect my desire to remain pure for our wedding so he proposed thinking he would get a compromise. As he put it, "You do have the ring." I had other plans and spent my entire summer in bars and clubs, flirting, increasing my tolerance level of fine liquor, and getting to know myself. In the fall of my sophomore year, I returned his ring and crushed his pride. The fall of my 1st year in Grad school, I did the same to Ben. He was the proto-type, beautiful mind and body. He was from Spain, and until a few years ago, the love of my life. However, my Ricky Lake a la Starr Jones radar went off one too many times. I returned his ring and he crushed my heart. Funny, I thought he would be happy to be free. He didn't. He said he wanted me. Needed me in fact. To this day, the words "I need you" prompt fear in my heart. I say all this to say nothing, yet everything...
Olu has a song entitled "My World Won't Let Me Go"
I wanna talk about something that's on my mind
I gotta let you know
I wanna be with you
and leave the rest behind,
but my world won't let me go...
Can someone love you and want the best for you when they are not ready to give you what you need? Do we really need time to heal or is it our selfish way of saying we want our cake and we want to fcking eat it to. Once a friend asked me about love, his words were, "I'm ready to be married, and she acts like she wants to hit the club." Even a family member asked me if she should leave her wayward boyfriend of a decade, who was now faithful, and lived in a different city. She stated she didn't want a long distance relationship. She wanted more. She felt empty. On each occasion I kept a very tip lip, paraphrased, asked questions to guide them to their own answers and ultimate conclusion. Why am I saying this? Does it have significance in my life today? On some level it does. I mean, we say we want someone special. That we want someone to love us. Really love us. Then when it presents itself we are stuck in the past. Stuck in some past hurt. In some past relationship. Mentally we are a million miles from where we need to be.
A very close friend is single again. Daily I listen to rants and reviews about various "potentials". "I miss companionship." "It's hard it is to find someone in Austin." With each potential and/or possibility there is a complaint of some sort. Now that she's finally found someone who met her stringent list of requirements. A person she perused diligently after meeting on the fly a few weekends ago. After one date and the potential planning of another. You know what she said .
Are you really ready?
"I don't want the _______________ on my tit. I want some freedom. Some space."
I think to myself, "make up your fcking mind." You either want someone or you don't. And I feel sorry for her. Real sorry for her. Who doesn't want to experience the possibility of love. Especially new love. If I met someone who matched my list, and believe me, mine is worse then hers, I would jump on it, strap on and ride it like the Texas Cyclone at fcking 6 Flags. What she doesn't know is you can't enjoy the fcking ride if you're gonna keep your eyes closed, and not take your hands off the bar.... You gotta open your eyes, and sometimes, the wind is gonna blow hard enough to jerk you back in your seat, cause your eyes to tear, but you can see what's coming, you can prepare and anticipate it, as a matter of fact you're looking forward to the moment you can look down that huge curve, take your hands off the bar and scream as if your fcking life depended on it.....