Conversations (MY 2006 Fav!)

"I mean, what would you do if you woke up the next morning and thought God was dead?". paraphrasing the work ofMr. Zell Miller, IIIAustin Slam Team 2005, 2006

She sat in darkened room, lightening shattered the depression that swelled inside her bosom. memories and ghosts from her past, sat stilled in the shadows."ah've known lil' peace, an' piece a' min' iza lux'ry ah can't a'ford. 'specially win ah done bounce da check owed from yesti'deys washed out dreams." i felt her noose of despair, regret and tears cut close against my neck. the sting jarred me back into the reality of the moment. silenced by betrayed voices, i sat paralyzed dodging her words. and her story. as if they were bullets threatening my life. the core of my existence. dodging, in fear, that one day, her story may be my own..."win ah die, dere may be tin, 'leven peoples at da fune'ral, dat's iffin dey ain't altready dead. mostly family. so ah guess ah'll be cremated." she chuckles eerily at the reality of her statement. "babee, ah have lived mah life 'n fear, 'n wile, ah don't pity mah'self fo' da de'cisons ah've made, at times ah'm, 'shamed. ah see it 'n yer face. chile, now, dontcha go feelin' sorry fa me. ah'm ma ole wo'min. ah've lived mah life. ah'm notta lonely wo'min. lone'ness iz ah state ah' min'. an' ah ain't got dat state 'n mah min'. jus' yit. always had mah thangs, ya know, mah share. ah've lived. even if 'n fear. ah've lived. ah've had family, friends an' love at dif'rent times 'n mah life. but mah bigges' struggle wuz jus' learnin' ta luv me. could nevah quite git dat one dere r'aight. life will giv' ya many 'speriences, ya jus' have ta chose da right lessin... sumthin', ah've nevah bin good at babee, sumthin'.... ah've, nevah bin good at. learnt much too late fa my likein', das ahl." she turns slightly to her left, allowing her voice to journey along the dust tracks to the corner of the small room. there rests shattered colors and scar tissue framed neatly along top a dresser. she smiles softly in their direction with conflicted solace. i am unable to recognize her seemingly affectionate gaze, as one of my own. yet, the feeling overwhelmed me."ah don't 'no if it wuz upbringin', loss, 'r gain dat taut me mos'. az a child, ah los' jus' 'bout ev'rythin', an' ev'ryone dat i believed evah luv me. dey simply walk out or died. an', let me tellya, don't let noone tellya dere's a difference. 'cuz it ain't. ah learnt dat peoples leave early 'n mah life. ah also learnt dat dey will dis'point ya. seem like leavin' an' dis'pointment wuz mo' like family den mah blood kin. so ah learnt real quick notta put too much stock 'n peoples. dat iffin ya wont anydang 'n dis here life, you hafta learn ta git it fo' yo'self. gots to be 'n control. gotta muddie yer feets, and callous yer hands.. 'cept, late' on, win ya ole like me, ya learn ya can't control nothin' sides you.. 'less, course ya willin' to fight. an' ah ain't nevah bin no fighta... ah'd like ta thank ah would iffin ah had ta.. ah'd put up a good front. ah'd stay, but 'n mah heart ah'd quit a long time 'go... guess, win it came r'aight down ta it.. nuthin' wuz really evah worff fightan' fo. guessin' das why noone evah really fot fa' me, ah rekon. ain't nevah fot fo' no man or wo'min fa dat matta. and chile, ah have a thurst. ah'm ma thrusty fa luv, lil like mos thrusty fa watta. bin dat wey since ah wuz a chile. guessin' no ma uh do dat der ta ya. so's ah lookit 'n otha peoples. neva made me fill no betta tho. guessin' dats why ah nevah had no chilin'. too hart fa 'em. me bein' dey ma an' all. an' ain't gone keep naw man 'roun' fah long e'ter.. hehehe.. peoples jus' git on mah nervs sumtime babee. but, ah've a'wayz bin thusrty fa luv. sumone ta luv me. so's one haz nevah bin 'nuff. seem likes dey sey one thang den do anutha. imma take careovya. imma do dis. imma do dat dere. an' me, well. ah starts out wit da bes' intentions, but ain't bin no good at finishin'. so we bof en' up not happy. and ah. well, like ah sed, ah needed mo. dat's all ah'll sey 'bout dat. guess, tho, jus' learnt it'z betta to be 'lone. ah ain't gone be lonelee wit sum damn body layin' up 'n mah bed. jus' learnt ya don't need no body but ya'self. Das' all ya really have 'n da en', jus' you an' God.'"

2006 Fav!!!! 02/08/06 Originally Posted.

I remember when you believed in me for no other reason, other than the possibilities of us and our love. Feeling that you deserved more than your past indicated or dictated. More than that which could be seen or imagined. Breathing. Falling. Your wish was to simply connect with another on a deeper level, where often verbal communication was was no longer a factor or needed. That you, and your lover had taken the time to know the intimate details of each other's desires, and that your mind, well your minds, were mere blueprints to the other's soul. See, neither of us were willing to settle, and were no longer fans of beautiful relationships. Breathing. Falling. We believed, imagined and lived as if there was so much more for us. And we were willing to explore each and every possibility fearlessly. To leave no stone unturned, and to never allow pride or our tongues to destroy a single moment. Moments we would build upon, moments which would eventually become our life, and in our twilights, we would reflect and laugh, dying without resentment or regret. Don't you remember?I remember the first time I recognized the brown in your eyes held my reflection. I remember when goodbyes were opportunities to say hello. No door was closed or back turned without a kiss. Breathing. Falling. I remember falling asleep not quite knowing where you began and I end. That my dreams held your scent and touch, even on those nights when we were apart. Without you, I did not feel lonely, there was always a sense of comfort as your essence remained and lingered. I recall holding your silhouette whispering I love you thru cellular towers, hoping that you could taste my sentiments in the breeze. And the only tears shed were those masked as perspiration upon our bodies during the course of our love making. We never cried. Don't you remember?I remember calling you for no other reason other than to hear your voice. That every story you told was brand new, a chance for me to get to know you better. I remember wanting to know you so well that we finished each other's sentences and began each other's thoughts. That ecstacy exisited just past your lips and fingertips. I remember wishing I knew you as a child, to share your triumphs and learn from your defeats. I remember all dusks and dawns were welcomed with your voice, your touch, or your kiss. And that you were never more than a thought away. I remember peonies, freeshia, and sunsets. Rose petals floating a top milky bubble baths. When infactuation was mistaken for adoration, adoration for infactuation, but we both knew the love would last forever. When my spirit mirrored your image, your image seemingly the purpose of my exsistence, for you were heaven sent. And you were birthed and lived just outside God's blue hues. Breathing. Falling. Breathing. Inhaling your spirit, exhaling our lives. Breathing. Falling. Breathing. I remember colors.... I remember breathing. I remember falling...I remember falling in love with shades of blue skies that represent you. I remember rainy days give way to blue skies because of you. I remember that I can soar among blue skies and clouds with you. I remember when shades of blue outlined my path to your soul. I remember blue lights luminating from your smile. I remember your hues of blue chased away my shades of blue. I remember ocean's blues could never be compared to the depth of your blue. I remember breathing your blue. I remember feeling your blue. I remember singing your blue. I remember falling for your blue. I remember colors. I remember shades of blue will always represent you..... Don't you remember?

love my first as my last (jay z)

if this is my last,

let it be a prayer.

my homage to thee

freely from lips,

innocently,

unconditionally

free from

fore/after thought

fearlessly

as if it were my first..

my first breath,

my first kiss,

my first love,

my first cry,

my first word,

my first poem,

if this is to be my last,

let it be a prayer.

There are years that ask questions and years that answer.

This was a year that answered.

I will never be able to replace my birth family. No matter how I try.
Frenemies are more dangerous than any enemy.
I will eventually get what I put in the universe. The positive and the negative.
I can never be that angry again, because I now recognize it as disappointment and hurt.
No matter what we will never be that close again. And I'm okay with that.
Treat the word friend as I would any vulgarity, so the next time I say it, I mean it.
The heart is truly a lonely hunter.
My expectations are inversely proportionate to my serenity, the higher my expectations of others, the lower my serenity. In order to happy, I must learn to expect nothing from anyone.
Writing saved me from the sin and inconvenience of violence. (alice walker)
I have been in Sorrow's kitchen and licked out all the pots. Then I have stood on the peaky mountain wrapped in rainbows, with a harp and a sword in my hands. (zora neale hurston)
Our feelings are our most genuine path to knowledge. (audre lorde)

Last Grateful list of 2006!!! week and year lists

the week!

01) the best holiday season since my grand's death... and prolly one of the top 10 in my lifetime...
02) laughing about bummed christmases from childhood... and yes, i did ruin my shoes
03) sharing families and time equally on xmas day
04) sweet potato pie and macaroni and cheese
05) his abundant strength and power
06) getting what i needed
07) sleeping all day tuesday..
08) text messages with holiday greetings..
09) last minute trips to the outlet mall.. angel, jorge said "hello!"
10) starbuck's gift cards! (my sister REALLY LOVES ME!)
11) a job to return to.....
12) the last week of the year
13) and every breath.. shallow and deep...

the year!

01) learning, internalizing, and being absolutely okay with the idea that I am not for everyone and everyone is not for me.
02) the definition of frenemy, to paraphrase katt williams, "if some one's not hating on you, than you're doing something wrong!"
03) loving me in spite of and despite of me... I am responsible for how I feel. No one else can make me feel good, bad, or indifferent about me, but me. how fcking powerful is that!
04) regaining my power and exercising it...
05) my circle of beautifully talented women who chose to call me mentor, and i chose to call teacher. Ladies, "How often have I demanded from another (Black) woman what I had not dared to give myself -- acceptance, faith, enough space to consider change." thanks for this valuable lesson. i have internalized it and pray we continue to accept one another despite our life's choices, have faith that we will all be granted the peace and happiness we deserve, and continue to be there for one another, always recognizing our individual need/space for growth and change...
angel - "And so our mothers and grandmothers have, more often than not anonymously, handed on the creative spark, the seed of the flower they themselves never hoped to see -- or like a sealed letter they could not plainly read.” alice walker
eb - “Those that don't got it, can't show it. Those that got it, can't hide it.” zora neale hurston
sarah - “When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak." audre lourde
06) brooklyn..... again. thanks for keeping me grounded as a writer and a poet. i am still a grateful pebble. thanks for teaching me so much, despite the miles. yes, there is a kinship, a beautiful kinship among women. and i have learned to be careful whom i chose to call friend. thanks for ushering me through my fears. the view is so much better from here.
07) the lessons i've learned in life through loss.. in some loses there was such a beautiful reward on the other side.
08) forgiveness. 09.07.06. glad we started over, ma.
09) family. i've redefined my definition. and it feels good.
10) perseverance...
11) humility
12) grace (his)
13) "Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place." thank you.... i'm starting to feel like my old self, the one i see in your eyes.. i love you for that and so much more...

bonus- for you. to answer your question, yes. always. "No person is your friend (or kin) who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow and be perceived as fully blossomed as you were intended." alice walker.

gODFATHER OF sOUL

JAMES BROWN RIP

To hell with Donner, let's get Blitzen!

Happy Holidays...
a newly favorite holiday quote...

Dear Santa, you are a bitch nigga. No, scratch that. Dear Santa, you are a bitch *ass* nigga. I heard they hired extra security to protect you. That's a bitch move, Santa. I'm coming for that ass again. Until you pay what you owe. Sincerely yours, The Santa Stalker.

A Huey Freeman Christmas, The Boondocks, December 2005

xmas blues blowing in the wind

let's see..the holiday is well so far. not a lot to complain about. especially grateful. really.

Believe.... And You Shall Be Ever Grateful

01) The creator for my perfect imperfections and the path you to lead me toward (most days.. hahahaha)
02) The power of resolve.
03) A road trip. What a show, man Mojoe has grown as performers.
04) 9/10 complete with Xmas shopping.
05) New World Lunch.
06) Fried chicken Wednesdays.. (hey!)
07) Spying on a cool ass writer. Let's see, how can I put this... I am not one to follow my friends to their friend's blogger pages and throw myself into their world, but.. I love her work.. In addition, Sis, please don't pull my isplmnop or whatever it's called.... I'm admitting I'm spying.
08) YUL!!! Yes, the minorities held it down all the way to the final four on Survivor.
09) Nas.... HIP HOP IS DEAD.
10) A family pet. A turtle.... perhaps we can get a dog in a couple of years...
11) Knowing each other well enough.....
12) Last week's win for Ebony! I so love coaching...
13) I'm off four the next week..... YUP!!!!

A few days left.....

As the year closes, I am caught in reflection... Glancing behind, as I anxiously looking forward. It's a beautiful view, despite the possibility of clouds. The last year has been one peppered with tremendous and oft uncomfortable personal growth.
- I have made a home with some one whom I love immensely. We have our ups and downs like any one else, but it feels good to be in this space.
- I have recognized that while November 25, 2004 through Feb 5, 2005 was memorable, it was not my lifetime; it was simply good while it lasted. I have since moved on. Life has a way of erasing 72 days of conversation, poetry and wine. Unfortunately I can still smell the bullshyt as a result of, as opposed to the period itself. At times, I wish I romanticized on it as deeply as some around me. But it was cool, thanks for being a part of my healing. (I am human and am embracing my humanness, imperfections, and the space I currently reside.)
- I can be a bitch and I am embracing the itch in me.
- It's something about being raised by old people.
- It's something about embracing the pain that resides deep within, recognizing loss, and knowing that you can never replace your blood (living or dead). And while we can't chose the people we are born to, we can chose the people whom we call friends and family. And that's it's really okay to re-evaluate and take action upon my place in their life and theirs in mine.
- That sometimes losing really means winning. What a prize. What a prize.
- I love my little writing crew (Eb, Angel and Cousin.) Good, bad or indifferent. You keep me hungry. Circle. Sisters. Circle.
- This has been the best year of live music.. Floetry, Goapelle, Anthony Hamilton, Jill Scott, Erykah Badu (2x), Dana (Queen Latifah), Mojoe (2x) and Raheem DeVaughn.
- I love poetry, not the slam, not the cliques and poetry gangs, not the recognition or fame. Mo, I'm still a pebble, Ma!! And I am so very happy for that. Yup, we worked hard, but it will never define me as a person or a writer. There is so much more to learn fromo the hungry pens towering above. Hell, I was dope before I ever got a score. (Eb, how's that for cocky?)
- Hosting as been one of the most valuable lessons in my life. It has been real, it has been great. It has tested my resolve. I have learned to recognize so many things about myself and my interactions with people. Thanks to everyone who ever graced the stage, you've left lasting imprints... most of all "humility, and I am truly humbled."

If this is my last, let it be a prayer.......

What a caution!

I carry words in my pockets, because rocks were never enough......

thanx for this and so much more.

13 for 13 (Reflections- A Retrospective ala Mary J Blige)

01) my conversations with you. thanks for giving me a safe place to vent, be me, and further explore adult friendship with women.

02) mitchie's, bern nadette stanis, and cheddars. ugh yup!

03) my conversations with you. yup, you make me laugh. and yuppers, you are meaner than me!

04) embracing the memories and missing you very, very, very much.

05) bet listen up and aol music - full cd sneak peeks are a must!

06) fake deaths and nikki indingo. (FUNNY!)

07) acknowleding that i am not at a place where i can totally forgive, am no where near forgetting, knowing i don't have to act on those resentments, and not beating myself up for any of it.

08) the desire to perfect my perfect inperfections.

09) fear and courage in love.

10) choices, and learning to make better ones.

11) exercise. yup, i'm still at it.

12) xmas surprises.

13) the creator.

oneminuteandtennineninetenseconds....

i once heard a tocktick\ticktock
from a clock,
and watched time pace
back and forth\forth and back
between my past and your presence.
as our future danced the fine
line of uncertainty...
our egos
balked in the balance
of it all..
i took a deep breath,
to swallow
the emptiness in the moment.

to be continued...

since angel didn't let me go to happy feet..

my week-end was oh, well.... cool! big yups...
i had a great time, survived it.. thanks to all that made it cool..
friday: me, u, & dupree + the wire (i slept)
saturday: poetry and thelma from good times.. + CHEDDAR'S
sunday: Saints football and a little bit of the youth slam...

Ughm... I'm Really Trying To Stay In My Lane...

Okay....
I have been been spying on a couple of blogs, particularity Nikki at http://iniquitous1.blogspot.com// . All I can say is that the story line is funny as heck and I want that sister and her "blogger crew' to open a private investigation service. They could put the Attorney General and the CIA out of friggin business.
Work things have gotten particularity crazy.... and that's all I have on that.
Home.. chillin' like a villain.. and I mean it..
I am so proud of Cousin Sarah she moved me to tears on Wednesday, damn I was so proud of her... She finally found it within herself... Damn it was beautiful!
Angel... Yup.... that's all.
Joey... My man's coming home and he's Legal!!!!! Love me in a special way!
'Shelle.. the next time someone wants to blow you up, and claim a blessing gurl let 'em.... Now what's gonna happen when they do call you for the speaking part? Huh?
Eb and Flow- batty batty.. batty batty.. and ugh.. we don't want no children before July (if you know what I mean).
Pretty Tree... The World on Monday? hit me up..
Brooklyn... Where ya at?
Q.. new blog site, huh? Gotta change your link soon.
Copa.... Peng-an mi! Seng-tan mi!Chin an-cheng! Chin kng-beng!Kng chio lau-bu chio Eng-hai,Chin un-sun koh chin kho-ai,Siong-te su an-bin,Siong-te su an-bin. (Silent Night in Taiwanese Ho-lo-oe)

have a good weekend e'rybod e' .. holla

QUICKIE # 1 (HA, ANGEL!)

Quickie Gratitude

01) for the creator of all things... no, i'm not religious, just spiritual...
02) our weekend.... loved it..
03) for my friends, understanding that we may not talk everyday, but know that nothing's changed. the love is still here..
04) for laughing my ass off at an adult "dance" recital this weekend.
05) for memorizing one new poem.
06) prayers, yes, they are answered! over and over.
07) for almost being done with xmas shopping!
08) for four phone calls, one text and two very good conversations...
09) me, you, and dupree.... i have to have that one..
10) having people to miss! angel, sarah, and ebony!!!!! dang.
11) it's wednesday, neo!
12) for my 2nd best man friend KA.. I'll have to propose to a woman for him this weekend! Hope you are enjoying CHI-TOWN!
13) for all that sustains me and is fostering my spirit. you are loved. REALLY.. even if you don't respond BROOKLYN AND ST. LOU!

and an extra special one: for you... we have come a long long way.. thanks for calling me, reminding me that we are indeed family. reminding me of my responsibility to you and him. while i didn't have the time to talk to you, nor did i call you back... know that you are loved and respected something fiercely by me... on the real... i pray we develop and grow to love one other as we unconditionally conditionally love him.

you.....

A: Wow. That's a lot of colors! You look like a rainbow.
B: What are you trying to say?
A: Ughm, that you look absolutely beautiful...

i basic black,
u a splattered of color,
creating my world.

thanks for making it a gorgeous place to reside...

i love you...

C?

Conversation (style borrowed from M.P. Whalen)

A: You want some paradise trail mix?
B: What's in it?
A: Dried fruit. You know, strawberries, cranberries, pineapples, apricots, mango...
B: Ugh no, too healthy. What, no apples?
A: No. You know some people believe the forbidden fruit wasn't an apple, but a mango.
B: Really? Well, whatever the hell it is, I know we should stop eating it.
A: Really? Why?
B: I just want someone to tell me what the hell she ate. Really, if I could walk around with rose tinted glasses, and not see what's going on around me. I mean, I don't have too see any of this shit anymore. Look around, homelessness, crime, drug addiction, war, famine, you name it.
C: I think maybe you liberals should stop eating it, 'cuz it seems as if you're the only ones seeing it.