well...

today it's dipped into the low thirties, and it rained, well, a slight mist with a beautiful lightening storm filled the sky thoughout the night... i was hoping to stay home, due to the inclimate weather, but... no such luck...
missing brooklyn... where ya at? pray all is well....
got a poem in me, just have to walk it thru my head...
and lastly, well, i started exercising again.. we'll see what happens.
good to see faces, and listen to peotry last night.. was refreshing....

still wishing i was on vacation though.......

God's Grace

SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT!!! (YUP Jay Z)

AN ESPECIALLY EXCEPTIONAL WEEK OF GRATITUDE

01) HOLIDAY GET AWAY!!!

02) three new poems

03) time to reflect

04) time to pray (in peace, even if in pieces)

05) cold air, frost, pine cones, and good conversation

06) laughing from the soul

07) Introductions, Hug(s), Hello(s), and Goodbye(s).

08) thanksgiving text(s)

09) cleansing tears

10) facing fears courageously

11) recognition of the importance of sometime

12) her, really, all the time

13) my mountain's a little higher, my view even more clearer! damn, i love this view even better!

RE: A Thought at 2:43 am

Thanks for the encouragement... But ugh.... Absolutely nothing's wrong with me... Cool as a fan, wanting some more time in this space, place and weather... It was a thought after reading a few posts... Became somewhat concerned and discouraged (STAYED THE HELL IN MY LANE THOUGH!) The loss of a couple of friends' blogger buddy/friend who's story and writing became a tremendous positive influence in their personal lives, as well as some e-mails, posts, and comments.. As well as my return to Texas.....

a thought at 2:43 am eastern time

sometimes... things just happen. there is no rhyme, reason.. it just does.
sometimes it sucks. real hard.
sometimes, life makes us feel as if we're being sucked into it like a frigging crazy straw... the maze, twirling, looping, round and round, back and forth...
and sometimes.. it feels like life is laughing all the way through out our torturous ride through that friggin straw.
and sometimes... hell sometimes, we need to stop, breathe and think...
maybe it's not about us, maybe life is thristy and maybe we're what it needs to quench it's thirst, in that moment.
most times... really.. despite how it feels... it's never about us.
sometimes, it's about life and the people living, simply getting what they need, never thinking about anything else outside their personal needs...
i will remember that sometime during the day...

loving vacation.....

Up until 5:00 am, and Today was cold as hell.....

I love the North... Cold weather.... Little disappointed that there hasn't been a drop os snow thus far.. Not even a little rain for slush.. DAMN!!!! Was awakend by Angel's Text saying she's made it home safely... :o) Don't ask me why I didn't hear the alarm set for work this morning.. Old habits die hard.... Who sets an alarm while on winter vacation? Better yet who doesn't turn off their work alarm? ME!!!!!

Anyway.... things are cool, and we're gettign ready for a movie marathon... I got to watch two episodes of the Wire early this morning... Seems they're a week a head here...

Miss the crew, pray your holidays have been as good as mine.....

Dinner, Parties, and Reunions....

I think somehow, I've fooled others, as well as myself into believing I am this "superior conversationalist, with the presence of a million." That I don't have a butt load of insecurities, and that it is so very difficult to meet new people. Unless, of course, in rare cases, we hit it off immediately. Mind you that's very rare, and with the history of late, me and anyone hitting it off is a "bad sign"... I just find it so difficult to go into a room, and just start blabbing to people. I don't know. I mean even at our venue, as host, I circle the room talking to those persons I know FIRST, all the while watching the new people, attempting to find an easy way to spark up a conversation. Often, I rub my hand across the table, a means of grounding myself, and search it for something to strike up a conversation, you know, a drink, a cell phone, a key chain, anything..... So when I found myself in a situation where I had to talk to people, and there was no such avenue... EVERYONE I knew in the room was serving or seated at a table reserved for relatives..... so what did I do....

Shrunk and reverted back to my eleven year old self, having to entertain for my grandmother, and often being paralyzed in fear. I mean often if I couldn't move, I'd stare into space, unfortunately in the direction of another which gave the appearance that I was staring... Her best friend Miss Jewel used to always say, "Marg.. she's making me uncomfortable, she's staring again." Now mind you, Miss Jewel WAS UGLY AS HELL, think Garfield as a Black Cat with a pug mix... YOu get the jest, and I'm not exaggerating... Anywho.. I didn't stare, I just kept moving.. I mean I walked all night, with a drink in my hand. No I didn't get drunk, as I was mostly paralyzed with anxiety, you know being "found out."

On so many levels it was a cool experience. Being introduced to family members, as well as having an opportunity to find out more about my......

Then it was semi-negative. I just don't want to eliminate that part of who I am. It's an excellent buffer, and it serves a purpose. Last night just served as reminder that I just cannot seem to get past this block...

3 Hours in Tennessee.... And On to Destinations (un)Known

This Thanks and Giving season I will be away from what is "most" comfortable to me. From the age 11 until her death in 2004, I've only missed one Thanksgivings with my Grand. It is the one I'm thinking of most in this moment.

In 2003 I went to Michigan with my ex. It wasn't a bad trip, it just wasn't home.. And no disrespect to anyone, but if you've lived in the spaciousness of Texas, cramped quarters and a concrete jungle are not what you are used to or can prepare for. The urban bleakness of an industrial sky, with weather dipping into the lower 20's is no where near as beautiful as the incredibly unseasonably warm (70-80 degrees) sunny, even, after dinner basketball game in Texas with my cousins and nephew. So when I called home, she answered, our usual game:
me: "marg?"
grand: "is this my favorite grandchild?"
me: "yes grand. how ya doing?"
grand: "i'm okay, just watching..."

And she goes on to explain the previous night when everyone arrived, the morning and on thru the early dinner. She discusses who's come over, in an effort to make me feel as if I were there. When she realizes it's not working, she asks how my trip was going. Knowing her first granddaughter's code for (dis)ease, (dis)comfort, (dis)pleasure and fatigue. She reassures me that I did the right thing by accompanying my ex on the trip, especially since he would be sacrificing his sister's favorite holiday (Xmas) so that I could be home with my family. She tells me she loves me, asks me if I want to speak to someone else.. she know's there's only one other person I really wanted to talk to (in that moment), to keep me from crying and to have our own private joke, she calls out to my sister, "stacye pick up the phone it's your sister, make her feel better, because she somewhere she doesn't want to be, but needs to be there."

And for whatever reason, maybe it's because I am on my way back to Michigan. Or perhaps, it's the holidays and as I call family and text friends, I want so desperately to talk to her. Which, lately has been pretty often. I see things she would want, like and need. I see previews of movies. Find things she would especially like. And I'm growing up again. Something she is probably thankful for, because she didn't raise me to "........." .

I pray that everyone has a happy thanks and giving season, and take time to truly be grateful for things that are most important what every you define that to be... for me, it's family and a close knit of friends I am learning to see as the same.

Smooches.....

Lost One

Pre - thanks and Giving Attitude of Gratitude List:

Lost One and 30 Something

affectionately named this week after new cuts from

Jay Z's: Kingdom Come

1. I no longer have my village, but I have a group of women whom I call friend and sister. Thanks for the lessons (good, bad, or indifferent). I list you ladies because from you I have found strength, growth, and the willingness (despite and in spite of me) to face my most fearful truths. With you, it's always about what's going on with us and catching up. How friggin' refreshing is that shyt? Brooklyn, Angel, My Girl from the Pretty Tree, Poet in Law (one of the hardest lessons this year, i swear!), and Lovie (no matter what negras, no matter what).

2. The art of spoken word. It is a gift from God not to be taken lightly. I pray that I remain grounded and humbled by this blessing. Similar to life, it could be taken away at any moment. Wish everybody thought like that. Really.

3. The strength to climb mountains, real or imagined. Honestly. The view is so much better from here.

4. Home. Man, that's all I can say. Home.

5. Prayer. Be diligent, and focused, always knowing what you're asking for. Believe me it works.

6. That I've realized I can never replace my village, so I've chopped the trees and broken the windows. I have my village's memories, that's all I will ever need.

7. Having another niece. I am honored to be referred to as your crazy aunt. It puts things in perspective, and was so truthful in that moment. Smooches.

8. You. Thanks for reminding me that I was once someone so much greater than what I put out there. You complete me.

9. That everyone and everything has a place, and the ability to recognize when I'm forcing things into place. Somethings are better off without me, and me without them. Believe that.

10. Another year in which to wish everyone a Happy Thanks and Giving season.

What makes this list special is in every one, I had to lose something in order to recognize the true blessing. In some instances it was an attitude, a thought or belief. In others, I had to change my relationship with people. A big fear, because I've realized people would rather believe they told you to kick rocks, as opposed to believing you've grown a part. This year has been most difficult, because I've really grown up and away, and I've had a lot of criticism, people who reportedly were so down for me, were.. Well, themselves. I'm not angry. Just happy that people see through lies, and that everyone gets what they deserve. Happiness. I hope you are as happy as I..

Except that fame is, the worst drug known to man. It's stronger than, heroin. When you could look in the mirror like, "There I am". And still not see, what you've become. I know I'm guilty of it too but, not like them. You lost one.

lost one.. jay z

p.s.

Happy Birthday EB! (sorry ;O( )

Happy Birth and Turkeyday Jo V.

Angel... Hope you made it safely!

The weekend....

What a weekend.. in short a lists.. of sorts. Mixed blessings that have contributed to a ambundant feeling of growth and joy.

Friday - a complaint letter from a recent audit. (i know everyone complains when they are doing horribly!) the letter however, made way for me to have a deeply enlightening conversation with my manager. in short, "....... i am not only pleased with the work you are doing, it has caused me to look at how much this department relies on your abilities and knowledge.." Yup! she was talking about me.. those 7:30am - 7:30pm hours are paying off.
The DaVinci Code... I totally loved it....

Saturday - Happy Feet! Thanks Jo for sharing your family time with me...

Sunday - :0)

Monday: Whoopie! Brooklyn showed me mad love..... From morning coffee to my lunch hour. Much needed break from Texas.. Love you much... No matter what I say it's nothing but words..

Tuesday: You know... Kingdom Come... yes it has....

Happy Feet and Happier Feat!

Bound and determined. Loved it...
Thanks Jo... Little Miss Beatifully Sometimey, and Kimmie... Would have never been able to get past the weekend without you..... Shhh.... I hear something?
"The sound of people wanting me..."
hahahahahhahahaha

hushed silence

something i'm working on..... let me know what you think... this is the first draft, so be easy...

hushed silence
(for mary e. taylor)

mama never said
it was time to go.
she just went.
kissed caramel and mocha tinted cheeks;
pushed skeleton keys along with
dreams solemnly
deep into her pockets;
and forced our future
into the corner
of a worn out coin purse,
stuffed with bitterness and regret.
somewhere behind a faded two dollar bill,
a buffalo nickel and an indian head penny
the last hoped drop of our innocence resides.
or.
perhaps.
it spilled behind her,
tumbling down legs
onto the charred glass
which she used as a path.
feet seeking refuge,
freedom, redemption,
revenge, or death.
which ever came first.
i mean..
someone had to know.
who couldn't hear the
scream's muffled cries
she petrified, stilled
yet always
in motion.
restlessly moving.
agitating peace.
perpetually in motion.
perpetrating silence.
even when she spoke.
silence.
her pain suffocated words,
choked desire
and with murderous intent
destroyed all that was
silent.
silently she slipped,
tripped
somewhere between
insanity and deranged.
she slipped,
tripped through lights
not so fantastic.
most times they barely
luminated her way.
blindly relentlessly
silent.
silently she walked
glass bottom path
with each step
the weight of her pain
cracked and shattered
her life's surface..
superciliously superficial
she'd pray to fall
but, not to knees.
in silence.
adorned in white.
wanting to heal others
to escape.
mama can't heal self
or others.
can't heal self
through others.
and others
were never enough.
so she found solace
in burnt spent caps,
laced with honey,
mimicking heaven,
seeking calm between nods .
sticky sweet.
and silent.
silently emotions
weighed and weighted her.
gingerly she kissed dampened whispers
from quiet streaked
caramel and mocha tinted cheeks.
her last thoughts
rushing from sanity
believing she tucked them
safely into sweet slumber
for them to wake
and find they've
tucked her into cold darkness..
begrudgingly inheriting her fear
and leaving them to live
in silence.
because she never said
it was time to go.
she just went.


kdtaylor 2006
section 8 coffee publications
all rights reserved.....

in short thanks....

Gratitude

- brooklyn.... you are still one of the biggest influences in my life. on the real. we have to catch up.
- thanks and giving chill.. really wish i could have been there. sorry jo!
- a family road trip. sometimes just being there makes all the difference in the world.
- daydream.... song and the activity.
- jay z is back.. and yes angel the last line in hot... our new line.. 2 months!
- deep breaths and prayer.
- copa/eb and flow.... i miss you guys.... just been super busy.
- those mushrooms are still high on my list!
- great grand... yes, i am moving closer and closer to the woman you wanted me to be.
- learning that i must guard my thoughts.. they become my words..
- learning to guard my motives.. they become my character.
- this journey that i continue to write, and thanking god every step along the way for being the editor.

Daydreamin'

It's been pretty cool.. And interesting as a close friend would say....
Life's cool, and I'm loving it.. Having a few personal dilemmas... Somethings.. Well, I'm just not into. Finding out that as much as I love some people in my life and close circle. I am just unwilling and unable to play the once (negative) supporting role. Just don't have the strength.. I'm really gonna have to make some more changes.... It hurts to think that we can and never will be that close again.. but, it's true.....
We went to Louisiana over the weekend. Can't say I wanted to go (I had a butt load of work to do before my audit and I hadn't finished it by Friday at 6:00pm)), but something inside was pulling me... We needed to spend time together away from iot all... And of course, as life would have it.. A sign.. I'm really into them these days... While in a store together, I heard the opening song Jillio (Scott) performed at the Sugar Water Tour.. (Our Second Dream of all times Date.. The First of Course was .. drum roll.. Jill Scott) Daydreamin'.. Unbeknownst to me, it's on the Lupe Fiasco CD... Now, I'm not really sure if I'm a fan of his music.. as I've only heard Kick Push and it's cute, but much too young for me... Anyway, I decided.. I have to own everything by Jillio (not so secret girl crush.. If you remember from a previous post I talked to her for 3 minutes... She told me not to win the audience with my words, not rely on performance just before Nationals.. And her voice..) I digress... Anyway.. I walk into a Walmart (the boy child insists that Lupe doesn't curse so it won't matter where we purchase it) and see MOJOE on the damn shelves.... That made me feel good. Really good. Those dudes are doing the damn thing.. My Man EZ was in the Vibe... We have their picture from the White Line Party.. Anyway it just felt good to be happy for someone else's accomplishments.. Felt like my own..... Can't wait for them to get home and go see therm now that they are "Recording Artists"!
Chilled with a friend on the lo lo on Friday night for Drea's Birthday Bash. It was cute. Had fun... Woke Angel up in the middle of the night because DOBIE WAS ON FIRE! It was cool to see her goofy tail... And yes ma'm you can be goofy.. And don't do that shrinking thing then put your hand over your mouth when you read this HAHAHAHA.....
Anyway... I'm a little tired and really don't have anything to write... Guess. I've become a bore.. That's so very cool...... Anyway.. Enjoy Jillio!

Daydream. I fell asleep beneath the flowers. For a couple of hours. On a beautiful day. Daydream. I dream of you amid the flowers. For a couple of hours. Such a beautiful day.

[Lupe Fiasco] As I spy from behind my giant robot's eyes I keep him happy 'cause I might fall out if he cries. Scared of heights so I might pass out if he flies. Keep him on autopilot 'cause I can't drive. Room enough for one I tell my homies they can't ride. Unless they sittin on the shoulders but that's way too high. Let's try not to step on the children. The news cameras filmin. This walkin project buildin. Now there's hoes sellin hoes like right around the toes. And the crackheads beg at about the lower leg. There's crooked police that's stationed at the knees. And they do drive-bys like up and down the thighs. And there's a car chase goin on at the waist. Keep a vest on my chest. I'm sittin in my room as I'm lookin out the face. Somethin to write about. I still got some damage from fightin the whitehouse, just a

Daydream. I fell asleep beneath the flowers. For a couple of hours. On a beautiful day. Daydream. I dream of you amid the flowers. For a couple of hours. Such a beautiful day

[Lupe Fiasco]Now come on everybody, let's make cocaine cool. We need a few more half naked women up in the pool. And hold this MAC-10 that's all covered in jewels. And can you please put your titties closer to the 22s? And where's the champagne? We need champagne. Now look as hard as you can with this blunt in your hand. And now hold up your chain slow motion through the flames. Now cue the smoke machines and the simulated rain. But not too loud 'cause the baby's sleepin. I wonder if it knows what the world is keepin. Up both sleeves while he lay there dreamin. Me and my robot tip-toe 'round creepin. I had to turn my back on what got you paid. I couldn't see half the hood on me like Abu Ghraib. But I'd like to thank the streets that drove me crazy. And all the televisions out there that raised me, I was

Daydream. I fell asleep beneath the flowers. For a couple of hours. On a beautiful day. Daydream. I dream of you amid the flowers. For a couple of hours. Such a beautiful day. Daydream. I fell asleep beneath the flowers. For a couple of hours. On a beautiful day. Daydream. I dream of you amid the flowers. For a couple of hours. Such a beautiful day.......

This song takes me to our moment. My moment. i'm daydreamin......

Kay.. T Show Me What Ya Got....

Kay... T
THIS IS A STATE OF EMERGENCY!!!
whatcha won't me to do?
I'm sorry, I'm back!

Brooklyn's Back in the Building....
KINGDOME COME... November 21, 2006

11/08/06

Gratitiude

- that you trust me enough to share your family in it's totality.... i feel truly honored for the call.
- that you love me enough to love me when i'm not sure i love myself.
- that you call me friend.
- that you believed in me, and saw something that i never saw.
- that we, despite all, in spite of all, love, hard and unconditionally.
- that he came back home to us... you can never leave without her or me AGAIN!
- that he and him not only call me sister, but they completed thier cd's...
- that you made it home safe.
- that you are not a sore loser, but a hopeful student....
- that you taught me how to become a woman, and god is teaching me how to perfect it.. miss you grand!
- stuffed porabella mushrooms.
- it's a little colder and it gets a darker sooner... more cuddle time!!!
- hustle! it's wednesday...


grand.. thank you. i love you. i miss you. i am doing....... i'm am... i....

Margaret R. Belisle

Happy Birthday, Grand! I remember... This song came out of nowhere.. Literally.. It spoke to me.. Letting me know.. And I know.. I'll always know...

Still Here (Hidden Track)

I am a boisterous river
I am a mountains story
I am a quiet feeling
I am a fragrant flower
I am a moonlit evening
I am a peaceful night
I am a writers thinking
I am a wealth unfathomed
And if you don't recognize my presence,
I am here.
And if you don't recognize me.
I am here.
I am a source of power
I am excited journey
I am the rock of patience
I am a whisper singing
I am unbridled freedom
I am the thought from thinking
I am a love unshattered
I am the great orgasm
And if you don't recognize my presence,
I am here.
And if you don't recognize my presence,
I am here.
And even if you don't recognize me,
I'm still here.
And even if you don't recognize me
And even if you don't recognize me,
I'm still here.
And even if you don't recognize me,
I am, oh, I'm still here.
Even if you don't recognize me, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here ......


The incomparable Ms. Jill Scott

Why?

There are a million reasons I can ask you why? I won't. I'll just ask you to stop. Clarity and focus are amazing gifts. And tools. It's a wonderful view from here. Again, I'm not asking why, I'm simply asking you to stop.

C. Daniella. Si'.

So we did it again. Knowing we should quit it, but we simply won't admit it again. Oh it feels good, it's so good, but I won't do it again. It's so dramatic again. After we go at it, we get mad then we go at it again. Oh I love it, then I hate it, she's my favorite again. I'm wasting time. I can't help it she's so fine. Oh I like her style. And I love the way she talks and I smile. As much as we may try Can't quite see eye to eye. So in the meantime, I guess we say bye-bye (And again and again and again) Oh, and then, we do it again. We do it again and we do it again. Oh, and then, we do it again. We want it again, and we want it again. So we fake it again. I think we're gonna blow it, and we know it. But she's naked again. We get wasted, then I taste it, then I waste it again. I can't invite her again'. Cause she'll go from a lover to a fighter. And I'll fight her again. So it's over, but I told her to come over again. I'm wasting time. But she's always on my mind. I can't let her go. Oh, she's not the best, but she's all that I know. As much as we may try. Can't quite see eye to eye. So in the meantime I guess we say bye-bye(And again and again and again). Oh, and then, we do it again. We do it again and we do it again. Oh, and then, we do it again. We want it again, and we want it again. So I've got a new friend. I wish I could forget you. But I miss you, wanna kiss you again. She's like you, but she's not you, gotta find you again. So we remember again. The middle of December and I took you out to dinner again. Oh I love her, it's not over, just another again. (And again and again and again) Oh, it's another again.

Mr. John "Legend" Stephens

Justin Don't know.. I'm bring it back

Bring Grateful Back

01) Getting a Stoney Point Women's Varsity (Round Rock) and a Warren Mens' Jr. Varsity (San Antonio) basketball schedule in the e-mail! Go Kimmie! Go Elton!
02) You proof reading for me!
03) Prayer.. It can be healing.
04) Toll Ways... I drove the new one in to work this morning...
05) Anthony David Mix Cd... You don't know!
06) The ability to love, even when you're not sure if it's wanted or will be ever be returned.
07) Recognizing your frailties, and finding the tools to strengthen yourself.
08) My decade friends.. Man.. I love 'em even if they refuse to blog! Thanks for the talks....
09) Langston will be home soon.... I never thought I'd miss him... Damn Jo... He left us..
10) My Baby Husband will return as a Man. November 9th... I can't wait.
11) Every breath, and sigh of relief.
12) Fulfilling work...
13) footprints.. thanks for carrying me... i know i haven't done this alone.