took the day off...........enjoy!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ms6BtRYMtpw

My Mantra

There was a tremendous power in the burning look of her eyes; she came "conquering and to conquer." She seemed proud and occasionally even arrogant; I don't know if she ever succeeded in being kind, but I know she badly wanted to and that she went thru agonies to force herself to be a little kind. There were of course, many fine impulses and a most commendable initiative in her nature; but everything in her seemed to be perpetually seeking it's equilibrium and not finding it; everything was in chaos, in state of agitation and restlessness. Perhaps the demands she made upon herself were too severe and she was unable to find in herself the necessary strength to satisfy them.

Dostoevsky, The Devils

Because Koffee did it...

Got this from Koffee..... I'm worth $ 375.50 (oh how I hated to admit the .50!)
Someone emailed this to me & it was fun....I want you to do it tooOkay so here's the deal. You look it over and see how many of these things you have done, BUT you have to add up the money amount along the way, then post the amount that you are as the title such as "$15" or Max worth is $515.50

Smoked pot-- $10
Got drunk, passed and dont remember the night before-- $20
Went skinny dipping-- $5
Had sex in a pool-- $20
Kissed someone of the same sex-- $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex $20
Cheated on your g/f or b/f -- $10
Cheated on your g/f or b/f with their relative or close friend--$20
done oral-- $5
got oral-- $5
got oral in a car while it was moving --$25
prank called the cops-- $5
Stole something-- $10
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars--$20
Had sex with someone 10 years older-- $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27--$25
Cried yourself to sleep-- $5
Cried during sex--$20
Been in love-- $25
Been in love with two ppl or more at the same time --$50
Said you love someone but didnt mean it-- $25
Went streaking-- $5
Went streaking in broad daylight --$15
Been arrested-- $5
Spent time in jail --$15
Peed in the pool-- $0.50
Played spin the bottle-- $5
Done something you regret-- $20
Had a crush on your best friend--$5
Had sex with your best friend --$20
Had a crush on someone at work --$5
Had sex with someone you work with at work --$25
Lied to your mate --$5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good --$25

Ugh... I hate girl crushes... I think Donyelle from Do You Think You Can Dance is.....

Name your 10 most recently listened to artists to answer these questions.Enjoy!
1. Rashaan Patterson
2. Anthony Hamilton
3. Maxwell
4. Donnell Jones
5. Floetry
6. Erykah Badu
7. Jill Scott
8. Goapelle
9. Raheem Devaughn
10. Christa Bell (cuz it's nationals time, yo!)

Now answer the questions according to the numbers:
1. What was the first song you ever heard by 6? On and On.... that shyt was tight.. I was brought up under water by 3 dollars and 6 dimes...
2. What is your favorite album of 2? Comin From Where I'm From-BUT I have a bootleg from the beauty shop called Popularity that is the BEST!
3. What is your favorite lyric that 5 has sung? Laundered linen sheets Touch me their coldness And thoughts I can’t repeat Shock me with their boldness Why did my mind and body believe, That you would never leave them? Now there’s parts of me that blame, Or well they force me to deceive them So come back and relieve them.
4. How many times have you seen 4 live? none.
5. What is your favorite song by 7? Untitled/Hidden track from Beautifully Human.
6. What is a good memory you have involving the music of 10? The first time I heard her poetry I was like, in awe... it's in constant rotation in the car..
7. Is there a song of 3 that makes you sad? Yes, Submerge: Til We Become the Sun "Submerge within the light. Illuminate my night. And let your atmosphere surround me. Submerge within the light all night Till we become the sun ... and Lonely's the Only Company. "Lonely's the only other company. Less you're the love no other love can be.... " Someone used to sing those lyrics to me almost everyday...
8. What is your favorite lyric that 2 has sung? Since I seen't you, we've been peoples, your're my equal This love is see through I want to Keep you I want to be with you
9. How did you get into 3? an old friend from DC recommended it. had the original one with the shoes, when the record label was afraid his look would hurt his record sales. (HAHAHAHA)
10. What was the first song you heard by 1? "Guess Who Loves You More"
11. What is your favorite song by 4? "Say What" remix with Left Eye and mannnn Where I Want to Be.. But it's hard, depending on the day.
12. How many times have you seen 9 live? Never
13. What is a good memory you have involving 2? the concert a few weeks... uh, the rest is PROTECTED INFORMATION...
14. Is there a song of 8 that makes you sad? No
15. What is your favorite album of 5? "Floetic"
16. What is your favorite lyric that 3 has sung?" Til the Cops Come Knocking.. Extended Version
17. What is your favorite song of 1? Do You feel the Way I Do
18. What is your favorite song of 10? For Bashir I,II,III
19. How many times have you seen 8 live? Once.
20. What is your favorite album of 1? Love in Stereo
21. What is a great memory you have considering 9? Still living it... I got the love of my life... It took us thru the entire summer.
22. What was the first song you heard by 8? " Closer ot my dream"
23. What is your favorite cover by 2? "Where I'm From"

I am not going to apologize for anything I CREATE AND WRITE ON MY BLOG. This is my Blog. I am not going to change the address, fade my words to black, or anything ELSE REGARDING MY WORDS...
Yes, this is on the World Wide Web. I am at the minimum a college graduate so I know what that means... People have access to it. I know this, that's why my narcissistic ass writes on the blog. But I also do it, because I like to. AND IN SOME CASES I WAS HERE BEFORE YOU WERE... SO IF YOUR ARE OFFENDED, don't continue to read MY MOTHERFCKING BLOG! especially as if you are watching a car wreck.. there are no bodies and no one really gets hurt or maimed. It nor I am not that interesting... Well, I guess we (me, the voices, thir13teen, live miK and kim) are.. HAHAHAHAHA......

Happy Birthday Mom... RIP

fade to black (good bye)

to answer another blogger. the drama outweighs the good....

you don't know me. most never have. fewer will. it is my nature. i'm tired of the comments, conversations and hints i have been getting. i'm tired of conversations. i started this blog because of my mentor sister friend mo. i encouraged others to do so, but i have found that this is not for me at this point in my life. it is a nightmare. there are too many other important things in my life. i am going to fully appreciate that on august 13th. i have learned from this experience. thanks mo for encouraging me to blog. unfortuantely this has turned into a fcked up version of black planet meets my space meets fcking investigative news. funny, i've been able to do for others (angel and sarah are wonderful. i'm sorry if this disappoints you) what you've been able to do for me; however the negativity and duplicity that is ever present in our lives has, in fact caused me to re-evaluate my life and those who are in it. you are truly a wonderful mentor.

i love you, sis. will call soon. see you in three weeks and four days.

to the others.... i'm tired. and i am re-evaluating my life. and i need to down-size. removing my thoughts and words as well as my writing from your eyes will help what's weighing me down. please, don't use me, my blog, or anything that is a semblence of me to continue to perpetrate this farce of community and friendship. i work hard for lasting friendships. and expect others to do the same with me. it is more than words. and yes, some motherfckers will always be heavier than others, and i cannot, will not carry you and ME. even with God's help, unless he tells me, and i haven't heard the word. until then it is for you and him to do... if you believe. and i'm not going to under any circumstance be referred to as mean because i have boundaries and can recognize that. so if i'm mean, do us both a favor. let's stay away from one another. for your safety, and my sanity.

fyi - i have cleared my village of rubbish, i have chopped trees and boarded windows. people are selfish and self seeking in nature and will do what is necessary to protect themselves. i am no different. this is my way of protecting myself and what i love.

often we see mirrors of ourselves in others. when we look into mirrors, we will bow our heads in shame when we see our own frailities. some turn, only to see a mirror of themselves in others. we abhor thier behaviors and actions, as it is easier to attack another than to work on ourselves. so we point out chips and cracks, yet despite the distortion, there lies a deepened beauty....... i am, and shall remain, beautiful. and so are you. just be beautiful and thrive outside my walls. and i shall do the same outside yours. i will continue to do my work.

this is another step toward my freedom....

to quote the infamous philosopher Jay mutherfcking Z... Public Announcement and December 4

Only God can judge me, so I'm gone.. Either love me, or leave me alone

If you can't respect that your whole perspective is wack. Maybe you'll love me when i fade to black.

goodbye..............

BURN
my ears are burning,
scorched by the gazing tongues
and wagging eyes,
of a million restless salvages
wanting nothing more
than to feel the thump of a giant's fall,
newsflash: failure ain't an option...
but you line up
like I'm giving away cadillacs,
or government chesse,
sitting 'round waitin'
to cash in on my ass
like I'm the 1st or the 15th
but I'm neither
I'm obscure,
unspecified 13
the shyt ain't lucky anyway, so
nigga let me be nameless,
as I disappear
picking scabs from the stabs of crabs
pulling me
snatching me back
into that barrel of deceit
you call home.
fck, just leave me alone!
I'm like cheap liquor
the latest drink
found frequently on
the lips of others
for all the
wrong reasons...
secretly you say I'm no good
yet you keep requesting me
sipping on me
tipping those serving me
fiendin' on me,
like I'm an addiction
don't fuck with what
you can't handle
I'm deadlier than the truth
unwanted,
just as unpopular
but sought after..
scorching,
right now I'm steaming
don't pull your hand back now,
didn't you mama teach you about fire?
can't stand the heat?
never mind the kitchen
stay out my mutha fuckin' house
nigga throw me some gasoline
my ears are burning
one, two, three, four degrees
burning muscle and tissue
so, I'll fall to my knees
keep my head to the streets
listen to your feet
as they beat the dusty concrete...
arithmetically...
you can tell a lot
by the way a person walks
and you walk much too lightly
indecisively
without focus
without purpose
unlike me,
my footprints,
like my words,
intimidating
leaving imprints
much too big for you to fill
and they are not for you to follow...
stop hanging outside my door
and latching onto my people..
I ain't no fucking star
so I don't want no got damn groupies...
Newsflash: You have just been renamed Kodak
Be productive
Next time take a picture
Make something positive
out of your rolls of negativity..
never mind what I drive,
I'm confident enough to pull it off
never mind whom I'm with
it will never be you,
yet you treat my name like a bag of m & m's or some nigga's dick
always melting in your mouth..
you must believe I'm so cold, I hot
News flash: I'm not
And I don't want your motherfucking press
Yet you'll keep talking, stalking and gawking
Clinging to every word,
Reading into my behaviors,
Watching everything that I say
Whispering behind my back
Waiting for me to fall,
So nigga I hope this serves as a
match to add to your gasoline
so the next my ears are burning
this piece
like your fragile ego
will blow the fuck up!

ktaylor.. Section 8 Coffee Publlications
2006.

Queue... I'm back!!!!!!

I've been growing up. Funny.. Having love in your life makes you want to do and be so much more. More than you ever thought you could or would be. I still have my bouts with self.

in 48 hours I've learned
- I'm forgiving, yet I don't forget. (there is a difference)
- I don't hold grudges, yet I never want ANYONE to insult my intelligence.
- And loyalty, is still so much a part of who I am.
- I will try anything for Langston (my tree), even when it's against my better judgement.
- I love ELM and CT more than ever.
- Love, KA, Brian and I will always be friends.
- Angel and Sarah are the best gifts I recieved in a very long time.
- I wish I could be more like my great grandmother.
- I'm a lot like my mother.
- I want people to keep their first impression of me, no matter, so I'll never disappoint. I'm never gonna do anything to change that impression.


I post this because two VERY SIGNIFICANT things have happened. While they mean very little in my everyday life, they impacted my behavior.
1) A couple of weeks ago I was pretty brutal in a slam against a man from North Tx. Despite his duplicity, I've always been cordial. I used slamming to get back at him in some ways for contributing to several issues regarding me and another friend. And while I did not use his name, I did put references into the piece regarding him. The joke is always funny as long as you are not the butt of it. I didn't feel good about what i did. I realized immediately after the slam was over why I did it. Last night solidified it for me. I went up against a team mate in the final round. We were tied going into the last round. He got a perfect 30, and I was going up next. The last poet of the night. I could have done one or two pieces to win. Our coach is damn good so I had a plan to capitolize on his pice and use his own words in mine to do it. It stared off well.... I could not finish. I stood there struggling to come up with an alternative ending as not to be hurtful and/or embarrass him in front of others. Now some will say, ohh she messed up. And that's cool too. It doesn't matter. The bottom line was I would rather lose than to win at his expense. I thought I was colder than that. Harder than that. I'm not. That's like my great-grand. I did feel bad for the North Texas guy, despite what I believed, felt, and suffered as a consequence of not just going the fck off on him last year during all the turmoil. I struggled with being the better person, and in the venacular, letting him make it for one year, but the victory over him was not a sweet as I wanted it to be.... Maybe I choked doing Choke. But congrats Joe B. You deserved it.

2) Which takes me to a eerily similiar situation. Slump.... we meet at the same place at the same time doing the same thing every week. As another blogger put it, but I won't be as blunt, does not make us friends. I will not say that I have not met, and developed, what I pray to be life long friendships. Most are not. Simply casual, and while I care about them as people, we are simply people who meet at the same place at the same time doing the same thing every week. Good, bad or indifferent, it does not make me ANYONE'S friend. There is work required in that. As the host, and because I wasn't raised by wolves, I attempt to do the best job with welcoming everyone. Not being a poetry snob. But I am human so I make jokes. As I have very dry sense of humor. I am not arrogant, mean spirited, nor a bully, I am like anyone else. Can't I chose who I want to be friends with based on MUTUAL TRUST, HONESTY AND RESPECT. Must I be an ass, or called names, or referred to an the enemy. I don't go around forcing and imposing myself on others, why would you expect me to accept it from someone else.

Having been raised by old people, I watch people for a very long time before ever approaching them with me. It's confllicting because Thir13teen is one person. The host, the poet, whom at times, I grow bored and tired of. I don't particulairly like the baggage she brings. I don't want to be that, seen as that... favorite line from a poe: you must think I'm so cold I'm hot, newsflash: I'm not. Mind you this is a piece I've written, and I'm referring to me. Kimberley is another, who doesn't really care about what people think or say, except when it impacts me or someone I love. Kim is a TRUE ALOOF AQUARIAN.

In spite of the often intensely magnetic, forthcoming and open personality of the more extrovert kind of Aquarian, and of their desire to help humanity, neither type makes friends easily. They sometimes appear to condescend to others and take too little trouble to cultivate the acquaintance of people who do not particularly appeal to them. They do not give themselves easily - perhaps their judgment of human nature is too good for that - and are sometimes accounted cold. But once they decide that someone is worthy of their friendship or love, they can exert an almost hypnotic and irresistible mental attraction on them and will themselves become tenacious friends or lovers, ready to sacrifice everything for their partners and be faithful to them for life.

But Kim that chick mo calls live Mik (evil kim, backwards) is cool as a fan. And she's not mean and hateful. Doesn't wake up to make others miserable. Just wants to be left the fck alone.... And in no way am I trying to be fcking therapeutic, cleansing, or apologetic. I'm just thinking of fcking changing my blog-site and not allowing everyfcking one to read it. 'Cuz I'm tired. My week has been upset by some bull shit. As if I don't have a life. A POEM.....

BECAUSE IT NEEDED TO BE DONE

the perfect list poem

1. fck you if you read my blog, personalize it and run with it like marion jones on juice.

1.5 look at it this way, if it is about you, why should you be any different than anyone else? I mean don't you fcking talk about people?

2. fck you if you are too stoopid to see the writing on the wall.

(the rest of us see it and it ain't pretty).

3. fck you and your monica lewinsky keep the cum stained dress attitude.

(some people still believe he was framed!)

4. fck you if you're too fcking stoopid to realize why she, like you, had to keep the cum stained dress as proof anyway.

5. fck you if you didn't get three and four -

(it means you are a manipulative miserable liar with no fcking life - who gives good head)

6. by the way, fck you, the dress only proves she, like you, are a mid night, i mean mind fck.

(people talk, and not always on or about you. grow the fck up)

7. fck you, everybody has problems, they are simply a part of life.

(there's nothing wrong with them or you, remember some will pick up yours to avoid their's!)

8. fck you if you're not smart enough to figure out that everybody is closer to someone else when it comes to telling other people's business.

(there are no secrets some asses are more valuable and tastier, than others when it comes to kisses)

8.5 so fck you if you don't wear blistex when you kiss mine, carmex is too greasy!

9. fck you if you think that people dislike you for no reason, see #8, no body, not even SATAN wakes and says i'm gonna fck with stoopid ass.

9.5 fck you for not telling the person who told you that shyt, even if it's you, to go fck themselves!

(Remember Linda Tripp? She just came across as jealous. But you gave good head, Monica!!!!)

10. fck you if you're playing the closer, csi or miami fcking advice, trying to figure out why i placed all these fck yous on my blog.

11. here's the answer in advance fck you!

11.5 fck you if you can't take a joke.

12. fck you if you believe all the shyt people place in your comment sections

(see #1 - 7, study 8 to 9.5)

13. fck you if you think blogging is therapeutic, and you can really "trust" your list of friends. (uhhh, fck you, it's on the world wide web!)

14. fck you if you can't afford you meds. i mean, did you think you wouldn't catch up with you?

15. and fck you if you can't take the voices?

15.5 fck you for not telling me what they're saying.

15.75 fck you for not giving the voices your blog-code and password!

16. fck you if you have to blog about me saying fck you!

16.5 fck you if you make the voices do it for you.

17. fck victims.

18. fck you harder if your too damn vicitmized to realize you're a victim.

19. fck you hardest when everybody else is an ass, 'cuz you're a victim.

(the voices said you were an ass.)

20. fck this.

(fck you if you want to leave a comment, I have to approve it bee-ayches!)

This is the last of such blogs, from this point forward I am gonna publish poetry and prose.. with responses (like Angel ;0))

As I pulled into my parking lot I was blinded by ambulance and fire truck lights... Silently flickering, serving as the foreground to the early morning overcast and haze. I have been thinking a lot about my mortality. Not so much how I will be perceived. But how I lived. Did I live my truths... No matter what they are. Anyway. I walked slowly in front of the ambulance, entered my building, docked my computer and began to eat my breakfast taco. Before I could place the pico de gallo on my taco Canklecrust comes to my desk to "inform me that ________ had a seizure, appeared to be okay, but was taken to the hospital." She ends with "I thought you want to know since you were_____." Honestly. I didn't hear the end. I don't know if she said friends, co-workers from ______, or what. And in that moment, I didn't know how to take her. I said a silent prayer for _______ and continued to eat my breakfast. She's a gossip. It appears she has no life. And while it appears as if her intentions were good, I question her and them. I know hell is paved with good intentions, even mine, so I'm not judging them or her. I question her and them as it relates to me. I could care less what she does to others. I already have an impression of her that will never change. My conversations with her are just that, work related and only when I have to. I wasn't raised by wolves. So occasionally I attempt to interact with her in another way. Only to observe what I believe to be untrustworthy behavior, reminding me, she was always be who and what she is.

Victim - one that is subjected to oppression, hardship, or mistreatment

Truth is she's a victim. Much like the other victims that have come in and out of my life. There has always been one. It appears as if they HAVE to have my approval or acceptance. And when it isn't given to them, I have wronged them in some way. One may question if I' not behaving as a victim by making this observation. I am not. I have accepted it. I make every effort to keep victims out of my life. Particularity by avoidance. I avoid their company. I avoid their behavior. I avoid them.

How to recognize a victim:

- A victim will not respect you or your boundaries.

- A victim will ask stoopid ass questions fully knowing the damn answer, not wanting to hear the truth in order to be further victimized.

- A victim will insult you and your intelligence in order to illicit a negative response. They want you to go the fck off so they can say, "why does (s)he treat me like that?".

- A victim will ask your closet friend about you and your behaviors, not offering the truth as to why there is or could be an issue.

- A victim will avoid his/her responsibility in an issue, and point the finger repeatedly at others. PREDOMINATELY YOU.

- A victim severs friendships and burn bridges. (Not to be confused with argumentative people or quick tongued people who just go the fck off. Argumentative people eventually accept their part, apologize and attempt to get it right.)

- A victim never apologizes. (See above.)

In living my truths it must be said, "I don't do victims. Don't use me as the excuse for everything that's wrong in your life. Your shyt was fcked up long before you ever knew my name. You may be able to sway others with that shyt, but not me."

As I said in a previous post: remember life is a series of races, and you can't keep putting all of your energy in other people's races, eventually you're going to have to take a look at the one you've been avoiding..... and remember you may have come to race with others, but it doesn't mean you get a lane or a seat.

the weekend was a blast. had an opportunity to stay close to home, and i loved it.... started out friday with enjoying the spoils of having to pay home owners association fees. the pool and "water park". c and i rode our bikes over and waited for the others to arrive. i had an opportunity to show him around the bike and hike trails. it's really good to have teenagers around, they help you remember (good and bad). we raced, i lost. ugh! youth. it was all good though. i remembered playing in the sprinkler as a child and, once summer hit, we got the "real water toys". you know, the sprinkler that was shaped like a cartoon character, "another" slip and slide as well as a slew of water guns. kids aren't excited by that stuff anymore. the pool(s) had a little water park for the kiddies, a wading pool, a kiddy pool, what the hell are we paying for over here? So this prompts an idea.... i will come over here and work out. i had worked out in the rec room before, so now, despite the fact that we put together a home gym this weekend. i am determined to get our money's worth. i may even take up golf. (doubt it!) anyway, i did a workout in the pool twice this weekend. and now my old arse is paying for it.. i have things that hurt that i have been aquainted with in years. and pain is a heck a way to be re-introduced. hello my name is Sartorius and Gracilis. this morning i literally limped down the stairs, silencing pains which were hanging out on my tongue waiting to see the light of day.

we watched run's house, the 40 year old virgin and tried to finish date move. i bought a deep fryer so we experimented with empanadas and taquitos. they were pretty good....
we did a showcase/fundraiser over the weekend at Mitchie's. it was cool. except... well, most of you know my "problem" with that venue, so i need not go into it... let's just say..... it was an experience. overall we did well. i have completely lost the timing on one piece, so i bit on one of b's lines. that sucks rocks.... i mean really? especially when you know the piece... So... i guess that's the better of two evils...
have a good work week.... or just a good week whatever you do...

the blonde squirrel has showed up again. he looks like the same one from last fall. he glanced over kind of like "what it dew, fool?". like he was hard or something. i hadn't been looking for him. but i've noticed him the last couple of days. he's still rolling by his lo-lo. i've never noticed another squirrel anywhere near him. not really sure why that's important. maybe, 'cuz i've been noticing more and more when people or things don't seem to be connected to anything or anyone. it kind of breaks my heart on some levels. then i think of it as a choice. but do squirrels make the decision to chill on their own, or are the other squirrels not hanging out with him because he's different? weird looking? or maybe he could be bothered. not wanting the hassle of chilling with a group. i mean then he has to kind of fight 'em off his nuts. (not in that way! man you've got a dirty mind.)

SINCE HOSTING, I HAVE NEVER WORN THE SAME T-SHIRT ON WEDNESDAYS.

WHY? CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO SEE ME WALK INTO ANTONIO'S.

if i don't want to wear t-shirts like other people. you would think right? i bring this up because yesterday's post did not come without "comments". now, i don't mind comments, i just don't always agree with the comments. thanks, but no one can make me feel better... i am not so insecure that i need to be "flattered", "complimented" or "idolized" by hearing my lines being "spit" by another poet. PERIOD. ohh, and the cheap version of my style. my gosh. and if you know me, you already know how much it pisses me off. i appreciate the attempts to make me feel better, but it doesn't. i don't want to be a bitch about it. i stopped participating in b-fran's writing labs because i believe there is only so much creative energy. biting someone's words and style proves my point. i don't want to be soapboxish, but i worked FCKING HARD TO BE MY OWN POET, HAVE MY OWN STYLE. no matter how whack or lame it or I may be. you DON'T have to use my fcking lines and cadence. you DON'T, after spitting every piece you have written cat in the hat'ish, have to ALL OF THE SUDDEN "speed up your piece to mimic my style. and don't look at me when you do it. it's insulting. you have the unmitigated gall to look at me as if i'm going to fcking applaud you. i'm not. i'm not going to applaud you because one- you are not enunciating, and it's embarrassing (for you and for me) and two - i don't want to see me in YOU. AGAIN I AM NOT THAT INSECURE..... fck. i feel another burn coming on... thanks q for the articles regarding plagiarism. man, i guess i can feel better. i have to chalk it up to "people doing this for all the wrong reasons. and while as some say it's a form of flattery, to (mis)quote another blogger - i got a pair of panties (boy cut) if you want to borrow those, too. i mean since we're sharing.....

read some comments on a lj regarding my man's performance at the other venue in town. as black writers (not the plagiarists), it's difficult to please audiences. particularity those of another persuasion. his piece basically discusses how we need a new leader, and that there are none in our community. he identifies issues that most black americans with pride would disdain. he performed it at "that" venue. apparently it got the highest score of the night. but not without criticism.

one poet commented: the white people went crazy for a poem about how black people need to take responsibility for themselves...I still don't exactly get it...although maybe that's taking something away from Brian's great performance. Maybe that's what they were applauding, I don't know.

one poet commented: "the white people went crazy"... agree with you on that one, and the uncomfortable feeling it causes...all these white people basically applauding a black guy saying black people are lazy, but it's ok because he's black, and the significance is that it is black utterance and not the content i guess?

i don't get it. unless we "black" people are entertaining "monkeys" it doesn't appear as if our concerns regarding OUR COMMUNITY are taken seriously. now their resident "negro" poets (whom i like as people) typically do pieces that border bafoonery, yell/rant at the top of their lungs while conveniently dropping associations to white pop culture, or (w)rap without the beats. as far as i'm concerned the white teacher who used the word nigger wasn't wrong as long as i call him a peckerwood. white people can say blacks are lazy as long as they are able to recognize their own laziness and not call it "being a hippie, finding oneself, or he's creative." slam is a fcked up thing and while i am having fun with the team and our coach.. i enjoy the intensity, but the politics? i find the people in slam are typically

- nerds, who were picked on in school and found something they would make them feel superior. some how act as if it's a real sport. hey! you were a nerd then. YOU STILL ARE. and HEY FREAK, GET A LIFE - you can't change your past.

- racist without actually saying it... to (mis) quote another poet from that scene... black poets in slam are often scored higher because somehow there "blackness" makes their words and experiences seem real. so they are given higher scores by liberal whites out of "guilt".
-miserable and want to escape their mundane reality so they escape in words.

- punks cause they hide in ljs and blogs and won't speak the truth to your face if you paid them.

last year i read as they reamed queen sheba. what she did at nationals was ILL TIMED and EMBARRASSING. okay you liked Annis more, but did you have to drag Jeanine in the mud? and what would you have really done if Christa Bell won? minimized the concept of misogyny and hip hop, dismissing it as trite, a simple idea? OR SAY: she only won because white people were afraid to say that about black music...

man, august 13th... man, august 13th....

My concussion/head injury seems to be doing well. I feel dizzy, but I think it has to do with my glasses.

first the mic was hot last night. Welcome back, if only for a moment, relentle. It was good to see you back on stage. The night started with a bang, and ended with a fizzle..... Let's see, I'll start on the positive, that way, if you are faint of heart you can stop.... I will give you a hint when it's time. Congrats B! Way to go at Ego's last night. Thanks Sarah and Ebony for tearing it up for me early. I thank you for starting it hot. Thanks, Ms. Jai Malano aka JaiByrd aka Jaiklmnop. I know you didn't want to do it. It was a classy move. Thanks. My little brother team mate - Trey!!!! Yup... Let's record that shyt HOMIE... hahahaha.. Angel and Ms. Jackson, thanks for coming in with new shyt. Sarah, if you shake your head "no" in my direction one more time we are going to fight. Shameless and Element thanks for being poets I can always call on. This dude Jazz came thru last night from Kansas. Now I didn't feel the evolution piece the way B did, but I definitely was feeling the Jewish piece. Man.. That was tight.... And to my soul-diers.. Way to help bring relentle up with that fire poetry tag. Went well......

Last night was fun. UNTIL... The last round of Mofo'king Poetry Tag. Dang. We've been doing this shyt for nearly five months, and...... UGH!

10 WAYS TO RUIN DA FIRE OF POETRY TAG & TURN INTO EVERY DAMN THING ELSE

10) act like you're surprised when your name is called

09) start pulling out a bunch of paper, one piece on paper is cool, but TWO?

08) and while you're on paper, not being able to read your OWN writing.

08) not pointing or calling the next person when you are done

07) waiting for applause

06) spit your ENTIRE piece

05) give a mofo'king disclosure, just spit damnit!

04) sitting down when you spit your piece

03) not spitting your piece with fire!

02) asking people over and over, "should I play"

and drumroll the number 1 way to ruin poetry tag

01) giggle, then ask, "are you pointing at me. I wasn't playing, but since you asked_____."

WARNING: if you chose to go further, if you have to ask me, then you are the REASON for the following rant... Think of this.. If poetry were our children, would you snatch my child's arm off because you liked the way it looked, or it worked so well, or it hung so nicely... And put it on your child's body?
I love Mo Browne, Christa Bell, Christopher Lee, Andrea Gibson, Talaam Acey, and on and on and on.... In 2004 in St. Louis, I heard Andrea Gibson spit a line: "I'll carve your name into my wrist so my pulse can kiss you" or something similar... And I nearly lost my mind. In 2005, when I saw Christa Bell, rock damn near every word that came out of her mouth.... I wanted, I wished I had found the heart to say, "Hip hop hates women" even though that's not my favorite piece by her. That same night I listened to Annis Mojani spit, "My father catches (can't remember the exact number) buses to water flowers", and I thought "wow". I have quoted one poet in my life, and even then it's a paraphrase, which I give him his due, "Like my boy Fluke says, we walk thru rain unbeknownst to the beauty of sunflowers." Now mind you, that's not an exact line in his piece entitled Sunflowers, but it references the work. AND I SPOKE TO HIM ABOUT IT BEFORE I EVER SPIT THE PIECE! Let me say this. It is not FLATTERY WHEN YOU COMMIT PLAGIARISM and steal lines from other poets. That shyt's not cute. Most, including myself, find it INSULTING. Especially when you look me in my face and act as if I'm not suppose to know my own mofo'king lines. I have heard three lines from my poems in two people's work. Every time I hear them spit MY LINES it causes shrill to claw up my spine. And I literally FIGHT MYSELF to keep from coming over and snatching my words out of your mofo'king mouth. Don't paraphrase, don't play on words. You and me and the AUDIENCE, ALL know the method in which I use them and you "try" to use them are the same. IDENTICAL. If one more person asks me why you keep putting my words in your poems I am going to point them in YOUR DIRECTION. What gives you away is the cadence. Now the line from my father piece, that's cute. But it's still my concept. AGAIN, I don't appreciate it. Now before you start asking people anything, keep this in mind. 1) If you had written your pieces before I wrote mine, we wouldn't be here. 2) Many of them already have already asked me why you are doing it. So I'd think before I went there. Why do you think I spit my pieces again? So they can hear what you are doing CLEARLY. And no, I don't want to have a conversation with you about it. Because this time I won't hint.

Yesterday sucked. Today's not starting any better. I don't have time to fart, let alone live, and the few days I have off, ABSOFCKINGLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENS. I mean it rains half the day EVERY DAY, and I have to do things around the house. Don't get me wrong, I love my house, and my new family. It's just lately, I DON'T GET TO SEE OR HAVE TIME TO ENJOY ANY OF IT... I swear, I don't know how "full-time" POETS do this shyt. I miss everything about what was once my LIFE and I feel it slipping away from me. Late yesterday afternoon, in a fit of anger and boredom, I steal a way for a few drinks... And either the bump on my head, fatigue, hurt, sadness, whatdaHELLever, I end up a little drunker than I wanted a little faster than I wanted. Lately, I haven't had many bad days..... Watching "Making of the Band III" Betty Wright said, some days you have to have the rain.... That's what's needed to water the seeds of tomorrow, of love, of life, of------ Anyway, my head still hurts and I feel pretty nauseous. My sister (the nurse) said I can GET A CONCUSSION WITHOUT PASSING OUT.... That sucks, now I'm scared. I gave her my symptoms over the phone, and she asks me did I pass out, in a tone, that says, "fool you were suppose to pass out." I told her, I fought if off.... I know sounds wierd, but... As I kneeled to the floor I did what every SCARED HEATHEN would do... I PRAYED. I mean I saw stars heard the ringing in my ears, and I begged God not to let me go out like that. I knew that I would either 1) be laughed at or 2) ignored.... So I sucked it up fighting off the dark circle that was about to engulf me, and the dull roar that seemingly was luring me to sleep. Only of course, after and during, screaming like a bitch Only to become and remain pretty damn angry.... I know I've been pretty pissed since then.. And nothing is really gonna change that, except time. Angry because the entire task could have been avoided... but that's another story. In addition, it makes me feel clumsy and awkward. Heaven knows I don't need to feel that among the other fcked up things I've been feeling lately...... So today is basically fckit day.... Things aren't going my way anyway......... so fckit...... I am happy to be alive though. He loves me and she loves me so I'm not too bad off. If that makes a difference.....

I heard a heart shattering
a million miles away
while you were
standing next to me...
It took it's last beat
and took my breath away.
Familiar it seems
so
I turned toward you
to catch a glimpse
of your shadow -
shape shifting
the foot steps going
away from me.
and now I stand alone...
listening to the echo of
your goodbye
between the cracks
of a heart shattering...
was I so blind
I couldn't see the writing on the wall?

Got up and cut the grass. Front and back. Which makes that a feat is that I have about 50 meters across and about 20 meters wide. It's like a miniature track field. Any way I edged the front yard, but not the back as by the time I completed 1/2 of the back yard it was nearly noon. It was unreal. My head was pounding from the previous night (drinking and closet injury). It was already about 95 degrees and the sun was BEAMING HARD thru the HAZE.. I was soaking wet, and am terribly out of shape. Funny cutting the lawn was a favorite past time at the other house, here... Just can't seem to get into it. 1) the grass is ugly. 2) the grass is ugly. 3) the back yard is a huge field full of red dirt, rocks and weeds. To top it off there is a steep hill in the corner, so gas was spilling out of the lawn mower as I was attempting to navigate the corner of the yard. It sucked.

I wish I could afford a lawn man.

I split my wig earlier this afternoon. I hit my head in the bad kid's closet. The bad kids closet, you know, the little slanted one directly behind the staircase. Anyway, it's about a foot shorter than myself so as I was walking, I felt a splat, saw stars and heard was a loud THUD! I fell to my knees immediately waiting for the blood to come gushing down my face. Blinding me. It didn't. I was relieved. How did this happen? I was hanging a clothes rod that had broken from the weight of a ton of coats and jackets. I know a ton of coats living in Texas of all places. Feels like my head is going to explode. Since I didn't pass put, I know it's not a concussion, but I feel a little dizzy and nauseous. Which, is pretty freaking scary to me since I am a bit of a punk and will diagnosis myself with something fatal in a minute.