This is the last of such blogs, from this point forward I am gonna publish poetry and prose.. with responses (like Angel ;0))
As I pulled into my parking lot I was blinded by ambulance and fire truck lights... Silently flickering, serving as the foreground to the early morning overcast and haze. I have been thinking a lot about my mortality. Not so much how I will be perceived. But how I lived. Did I live my truths... No matter what they are. Anyway. I walked slowly in front of the ambulance, entered my building, docked my computer and began to eat my breakfast taco. Before I could place the pico de gallo on my taco Canklecrust comes to my desk to "inform me that ________ had a seizure, appeared to be okay, but was taken to the hospital." She ends with "I thought you want to know since you were_____." Honestly. I didn't hear the end. I don't know if she said friends, co-workers from ______, or what. And in that moment, I didn't know how to take her. I said a silent prayer for _______ and continued to eat my breakfast. She's a gossip. It appears she has no life. And while it appears as if her intentions were good, I question her and them. I know hell is paved with good intentions, even mine, so I'm not judging them or her. I question her and them as it relates to me. I could care less what she does to others. I already have an impression of her that will never change. My conversations with her are just that, work related and only when I have to. I wasn't raised by wolves. So occasionally I attempt to interact with her in another way. Only to observe what I believe to be untrustworthy behavior, reminding me, she was always be who and what she is.
Truth is she's a victim. Much like the other victims that have come in and out of my life. There has always been one. It appears as if they HAVE to have my approval or acceptance. And when it isn't given to them, I have wronged them in some way. One may question if I' not behaving as a victim by making this observation. I am not. I have accepted it. I make every effort to keep victims out of my life. Particularity by avoidance. I avoid their company. I avoid their behavior. I avoid them.
How to recognize a victim:
- A victim will not respect you or your boundaries.
- A victim will ask stoopid ass questions fully knowing the damn answer, not wanting to hear the truth in order to be further victimized.
- A victim will insult you and your intelligence in order to illicit a negative response. They want you to go the fck off so they can say, "why does (s)he treat me like that?".
- A victim will ask your closet friend about you and your behaviors, not offering the truth as to why there is or could be an issue.
- A victim will avoid his/her responsibility in an issue, and point the finger repeatedly at others. PREDOMINATELY YOU.
- A victim severs friendships and burn bridges. (Not to be confused with argumentative people or quick tongued people who just go the fck off. Argumentative people eventually accept their part, apologize and attempt to get it right.)
- A victim never apologizes. (See above.)
In living my truths it must be said, "I don't do victims. Don't use me as the excuse for everything that's wrong in your life. Your shyt was fcked up long before you ever knew my name. You may be able to sway others with that shyt, but not me."
As I said in a previous post: remember life is a series of races, and you can't keep putting all of your energy in other people's races, eventually you're going to have to take a look at the one you've been avoiding..... and remember you may have come to race with others, but it doesn't mean you get a lane or a seat.
8 comments:
So much in today's society teaches us to be victims...from the scary mold on your food that could kill you news at 10 to the personal unwillingness to accept that while you may have been vicitimized, it is YOUR job to decide if you are going to remain one or become a survivor....and just because you live THROUGH things DOES NOT make you a survivor.
This may be arrogant for me to say, but I have spent many years trying to work on myself. It is not easy, in fact having to REALLY look at yourself and commit to change is one of the hardest things to do. Cause there is ugly AND beautiful in all of us. I spent more years AS a victim and continued to set up unhealthy choices that would further allow me to believe I was so. Sometimes, we are vicitimized and it is out of our control. Sometimes we victimize ourselves because its seems more painfully comfortable than having to really look at your fault/participation in maintaining the mindset.
You are only responsible for you. Only you can decide to change. Sooner or later, staying a victim keeps you very lonely cause everyone has thier own pains and hurts and not taking accountability for your part in your life further serves you as a victim instead of a survivor. Surviving takes struggle and hard work. Not just existing and blaming others for where you are unwilling to venture.
You're so right. I think the fact that I lost so many relatives, particulairly my parental figures, that I've become numb or emotionally unavailable. So I worked at exposing myself and opening up to more people. In that I felt victimized because I believed my trust was being betrayed, not realizing initially that I had given it away. Yup, so many people wear the term survival, yet they don't take action from moving to that place to another...
life is indeed about a series of races--what's most important to me is did i run as fast as i know/knew i could? by the time i get home and reflect (since we never really "leave it all on the field") will i be upset/mad/angry/bitter that i didn't do something else? i totally agree with sarah that being a survivor takes work, but i also know that to fully and effectively move past that phase (as you spoke about kim), you have to first navigate where you are and what you want to do NOW.
now, on to the matter of trust. i'm a person that loves HARD. so whether we're friends or lovers, i give 100% of myself to you each and every time. it's difficult for me to "play nice" after i feel like my love hasn't been appreciated. notice i didn't say reciprocated--only because i always only wanna be responsible for the way I feel/think/act/ not the way YOU feel/think/act.
damn you kim for making me expose my emotions!!! :O
Truth is I don't read your blog strictly for hte poems, I read it for the rants that help me know who you are. So how bout we stop threatening to not rant? Don't make me come to Texas and wreck shop!! Love ya!
Angel, I hear you. Loud and clear. And sometimes when I am exhausted, tired, looking in on someone's track, I ask my fool tail.. "why are you even thinking that you could kept that pace, no matter how slow or fast. Growing up with old people "will learn you some good life lessons, yet." I have learned to compare me to me. I have to learn that I cannot control others comparing themselves to me though. And that's what's frustrating. I don't understand why.
that was a wise poet huh? "bet someone learned her that."
queue you are so right. the rants are fun. i love doing them. i'm just tired of people reading into them and approaching me with bullshyt. it's insulting. and often it's ONE person who personalizes them and runs with them.... like, why do you keep asking and acting as if it's YOU i'm talking about. ya know? my girl says a guilty dog always barks and i've since added, if you don't pay attention they will try to bite ya. hahahahahaha.
You left off one, a victim often places themselves in compromising positions, within your view, because they "know" you will save them each and every time. Problem is when you need to save yourself you may be too exhausted from saving victims, which makes you a victim. Damn, I've been here before and have a soft heart for a damoiselle in distress, however, I can't save everyone and have therefore accepted my role; Captain Save a Female (sometimes)!
damn...between kim and slump, you've said it all...someone once called me the original "captain save-a-___" and while i don't want to own that title, i can admit to why someone might assign it to me...i too, am a sucker for a damsel in distress...or anyone in distress really...have an insatiable need to feel needed...but sometimes it does get exhausting--right at the point that i need energy enough to take care of myself...it's nowhere to be found... gave me a lot to think about...things i already knew i needed to think about, but avoid whenever possible...doesn't seem possible today.
-B
bRandy and Slump...
good points. i was a save a ____ in my youth. I have since learned that you cannot save someone from themselves. Thankfully, I've learned that lesson. So I avoid victims like the plague, they paint very "disturbing" pictures of me my aloofness becomes: arrogance, mean spirited, she doesn't like me for no reason, even at times described as high schoolish. I've never understood why protecting me, has to be about someone else. I am no different from any other person when I say people are selfish and self seeking in nature. I just want o preserve me and those I love.
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