fade to black (good bye)

to answer another blogger. the drama outweighs the good....

you don't know me. most never have. fewer will. it is my nature. i'm tired of the comments, conversations and hints i have been getting. i'm tired of conversations. i started this blog because of my mentor sister friend mo. i encouraged others to do so, but i have found that this is not for me at this point in my life. it is a nightmare. there are too many other important things in my life. i am going to fully appreciate that on august 13th. i have learned from this experience. thanks mo for encouraging me to blog. unfortuantely this has turned into a fcked up version of black planet meets my space meets fcking investigative news. funny, i've been able to do for others (angel and sarah are wonderful. i'm sorry if this disappoints you) what you've been able to do for me; however the negativity and duplicity that is ever present in our lives has, in fact caused me to re-evaluate my life and those who are in it. you are truly a wonderful mentor.

i love you, sis. will call soon. see you in three weeks and four days.

to the others.... i'm tired. and i am re-evaluating my life. and i need to down-size. removing my thoughts and words as well as my writing from your eyes will help what's weighing me down. please, don't use me, my blog, or anything that is a semblence of me to continue to perpetrate this farce of community and friendship. i work hard for lasting friendships. and expect others to do the same with me. it is more than words. and yes, some motherfckers will always be heavier than others, and i cannot, will not carry you and ME. even with God's help, unless he tells me, and i haven't heard the word. until then it is for you and him to do... if you believe. and i'm not going to under any circumstance be referred to as mean because i have boundaries and can recognize that. so if i'm mean, do us both a favor. let's stay away from one another. for your safety, and my sanity.

fyi - i have cleared my village of rubbish, i have chopped trees and boarded windows. people are selfish and self seeking in nature and will do what is necessary to protect themselves. i am no different. this is my way of protecting myself and what i love.

often we see mirrors of ourselves in others. when we look into mirrors, we will bow our heads in shame when we see our own frailities. some turn, only to see a mirror of themselves in others. we abhor thier behaviors and actions, as it is easier to attack another than to work on ourselves. so we point out chips and cracks, yet despite the distortion, there lies a deepened beauty....... i am, and shall remain, beautiful. and so are you. just be beautiful and thrive outside my walls. and i shall do the same outside yours. i will continue to do my work.

this is another step toward my freedom....

to quote the infamous philosopher Jay mutherfcking Z... Public Announcement and December 4

Only God can judge me, so I'm gone.. Either love me, or leave me alone

If you can't respect that your whole perspective is wack. Maybe you'll love me when i fade to black.

goodbye..............