Neo Stand UP!!!

Last night was off the mofokin chain... 'nuff said

do you now what today is?

It's Our Anniversary

Thanks June and Herm....

Neo - Soul five years strong!

An Oldie

conversations
"I mean, what would you do if you woke up the next morning and thought God was dead?".paraphrasing the work of Mr. Zell Miller, III Austin Slam Team 2005, 2006
She sat in darkened room, lightening shattered the depression that swelled inside her bosom. memories and ghosts from her past, sat stilled in the shadows."ah've known lil' peace, an' piece a' min' iza lux'ry ah can't a'ford. 'specially win ah done bounce da check owed from yesti'deys washed out dreams." i felt her noose of despair, regret and tears cut close against my neck. the sting jarred me back into the reality of the moment. silenced by betrayed voices, i sat paralyzed dodging her words. and her story. as if they were bullets threatening my life. the core of my existence. dodging, in fear, that one day, her story may be my own..."win ah die, dere may be tin, 'leven peoples at da fune'ral, dat's iffin dey ain't altready dead. mostly family. so ah guess ah'll be cremated." she chuckles eerily at the reality of her statement. "babee, ah have lived mah life 'n fear, 'n wile, ah don't pity mah'self fo' da de'cisons ah've made, at times ah'm, 'shamed. ah see it 'n yer face. chile, now, dontcha go feelin' sorry fa me. ah'm ma ole wo'min. ah've lived mah life. ah'm notta lonely wo'min. lone'ness iz ah state ah' min'. an' ah ain't got dat state 'n mah min'. jus' yit. always had mah thangs, ya know, mah share. ah've lived. even if 'n fear. ah've lived. ah've had family, friends an' love at dif'rent times 'n mah life. but mah bigges' struggle wuz jus' learnin' ta luv me. could nevah quite git dat one dere r'aight. life will giv' ya many 'speriences, ya jus' have ta chose da right lessin... sumthin', ah've nevah bin good at babee, sumthin'.... ah've, nevah bin good at. learnt much too late fa my likein', das ahl." she turns slightly to her left, allowing her voice to journey along the dust tracks to the corner of the small room. there rests shattered colors and scar tissue framed neatly along top a dresser. she smiles softly in their direction with conflicted solace. i am unable to recognize her seemingly affectionate gaze, as one of my own. yet, the feeling overwhelmed me."ah don't 'no if it wuz upbringin', loss, 'r gain dat taut me mos'. az a child, ah los' jus' 'bout ev'rythin', an' ev'ryone dat i believed evah luv me. dey simply walk out or died. an', let me tellya, don't let noone tellya dere's a difference. 'cuz it ain't. ah learnt dat peoples leave early 'n mah life. ah also learnt dat dey will dis'point ya. seem like leavin' an' dis'pointment wuz mo' like family den mah blood kin. so ah learnt real quick notta put too much stock 'n peoples. dat iffin ya wont anydang 'n dis here life, you hafta learn ta git it fo' yo'self. gots to be 'n control. gotta muddie yer feets, and callous yer hands.. 'cept, late' on, win ya ole like me, ya learn ya can't control nothin' sides you.. 'less, course ya willin' to fight. an' ah ain't nevah bin no fighta... ah'd like ta thank ah would iffin ah had ta.. ah'd put up a good front. ah'd stay, but 'n mah heart ah'd quit a long time 'go... guess, win it came r'aight down ta it.. nuthin' wuz really evah worff fightan' fo. guessin' das why noone evah really fot fa' me, ah rekon. ain't nevah fot fo' no man or wo'min fa dat matta. and chile, ah have a thurst. ah'm ma thrusty fa luv, lil like mos thrusty fa watta. bin dat wey since ah wuz a chile. guessin' no ma uh do dat der ta ya. so's ah lookit 'n otha peoples. neva made me fill no betta tho. guessin' dats why ah nevah had no chilin'. too hart fa 'em. me bein' dey ma an' all. an' ain't gone keep naw man 'roun' fah long e'ter.. hehehe.. peoples jus' git on mah nervs sumtime babee. but, ah've a'wayz bin thusrty fa luv. sumone ta luv me. so's one haz nevah bin 'nuff. seem likes dey sey one thang den do anutha. imma take careovya. imma do dis. imma do dat dere. an' me, well. ah starts out wit da bes' intentions, but ain't bin no good at finishin'. so we bof en' up not happy. and ah. well, like ah sed, ah needed mo. dat's all ah'll sey 'bout dat. guess, tho, jus' learnt it'z betta to be 'lone. ah ain't gone be lonelee wit sum damn body layin' up 'n mah bed. jus' learnt ya don't need no body but ya'self. Das' all ya really have 'n da en', jus' you an' God.'"thunder cracked, breaking my trance. i lay in cold sweat. in fear, i place my hand across my neck to feel the dampness of the welt from her noose.

Keep Your Head Up: Chaka Khan

When your heart is free.
It’s easy to make a decision.
When your head is clear.
You know you have good judgement
But when your life is turning topsy turvey
And you have no reasons for what’s disturbing
Remember these words my father said to me
He said: Keep your head up don’t say you love him (Keep your head)
Walk away from all that has hurt you (Find your power)
Find your power you know your strong
Make that step and it will help you along
When your mind's at peace (at peace)
Sleep comes so very peacefully
When you start to dream
They are wonderful and so very sweet
But when your life is turning topsy turvey
And you have no answers for what’s disturbing
Remember these words a preacher said to me
He said: Keep your head up don’t say you love him (Keep your head up)
Walk away from all that is hurting (Find your power)
Find your power you know your strong (Take that step)
Make that step and it will help you along
Why give up this time you can win (You can win)
Why give up this battle is within (Is within)
Why stay when you don't know what he's gonna do
Why choose him when its time to choose you
Keep your head up don’t say you love him
Walk away from all that is hurting
Find your power you know your strong
Make that step it will help you along
Keep your head up

Funky Mike and I are EXPECTING!!!!!!

YOU TO COME OUT AND SUPPORT!!!!!

Missing In Action; Don't think I ain't grateful

01) a home to run to: beautiful brown eyes and strong arms to hide in and forget the insanity around me....

02) going with you to find your new home and watching you grab your piece of the world! i can say i knew you when...

03) finding unsettling solace in silence only to remember i have a voice and a choice.

04) a wonderful lesson in knowing we can never go back there again. i think you may be stuck with me. sister friends forever, huh?

05) a quote texted to me last Thursday night.

06) sitting in the scorching heat last Friday afternoon with my father:brother:man and his fam. TWEET WE SAW A GIRL RUN AN 11.15!!!! and speaking of the heat, aren't we glad i borrowed the paper towels from the Women's restroom.

07) a poetry dinner that reminded of somethings.. and showing me that i have indeed grown the hell up. thanks JOSH!!!!!!!

08) the discovery of SIMONE... Dang Nina, Lisa Celeste is the BOMB (ears and eyes).

09) not blowing my top when in "tipsiness" he thought he was telling em something I didn't know.

10) that she trusts me enough...

11) remembering the words "in the beginning." because we can all start over, and for those who want to remind you where you once were, tell them they could always join you. 'cuz only an ass would hate on you for growing... for real....

12) happiness, did i say that already? i'm learning to find it through tears, 'cuz at least i care enough to hurt, and damn it i can feel so that means i'm alive? right?



and you know there is no 13...only G.O.D. good orderly direction thanks for your continued guidance and blessings....

Lessons on Silence continued from Monday

"In the end, we will remember the silence of our friends." Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
I'm sorry I let you down. This is a difficult lesson and a jagged pill to swallow.

"You're silence will not protect you." Audre Lourde
Some one told me that you never see a fish on the wall with his mouth closed. So I thought.. well, it doesn't matter what I thought. It's what I didn't say that matter most.

"As we must account for every idle word, so must we account for every idle silence." Benjamin Franklin
I am accountable.

Poetry You Matter... There. I said it.

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." Martin Luther King, Jr.
when all is said and done, perhaps someone will remember, in the beginning, in the beginning, in the beginning there was the "WORD" and it was good. while my pen is dry, heart beat indifferently numb, i still remember when it was good. and damn it was so good.

Monday's Wisdom

"the way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice."

Proverbs 12:15

i have found that in my times of true insanity, i can always find someone to validate my thoughts and feelings. the true test of wisdom is to branch out and seek counsel from someone who: 1) has nothing to gain from my insanity and 2) is not seeking anything from me in return to validate my insanity. we can make anything we do or think, just and right; however, the most difficult task is dealing with the consequences of seeking and acting upon it. even more daunting is the recognition and acceptance that when it all falls a part, the fool is in fact, you.

Stacye!!!!

CONGRATULATIONS GRADUATE!!!

YOU ARE NO LONGER AN LVN.

My Younger Sister Stacye was pinned and is now an RN!!!

YOU GO GIRL!

Where I Am

Let's see. This year has been so f'ingtastic. For real. Five months into the year, I honestly believe I am gracefully facing those things that are most important, and how I would love to be remembered. Prayerfully, anyway. I mean, okay, let's say this is a five month thankful list. Not in any order.

• Say Anything Open Mic and Under 21 Youth Slam. They are the polar opposites of each other, yet, if you are to be an instrument of change you must strive to make that which exists better. In addition, be willing to step out and create the proto-type of what you believe to be the future. So what Mike and I have is an open mic for youth, driven by youth. I mean a youth will host! A youth will DJ (if we can find someone)! Youth will feature! (with the occasional youth driven adult). There will be words, music and mayhem! For real. I AM SOOOOO EXCITED. Did I say I was EXCITED!!!!
• My Community of Fam. Like, I have created a bond with the Phil Jackson of Slam Poetry. And I love 'im to freaking death. I mean he is selfless in his drive to improve the divide within the poetry community and helping youth through cultural exposure and expression of self. My domino/card partner, am so glad things are starting to fall into place. For real. Never again. My Poet in Law. Yes, you will always be that. Thick and thin. Angel/Eb. You already know. G.O.D. gave me a sister from another Grandmuther, and a beautiful, sassy ass, driven niece. Cousin, just because you're MIA don't mean nothing. Find you. We all need to get away sometime. My trees. No we don't talk much don't mean a thang, we got it like that. HA! Ms. Jackson. Thanks for reminding me it's okay to dream and go after it. Langston, Lovie. KA. Fight like fam, love like fam, will always be just that, FAM. MASONS. Nothing else said. Copa. F'ing blogger world. Who would have known? Yes, I am that big sis to you my brother. Thanks for the trust and love. Element, thanks for giving me to fall in love words all over again. Angie (the freeness!), Shameless, Faye and Dave. Thanks for your words, humor and friendship. K.O.R.I.M. and Knowetic... HAHAHAHA why couldn't I be 18? C.M.B. Sr. (yea, I know your initials) and Crowtrain I pray I get to know you guys better. You are men among boys. For real. Good, bad, sad, mad or indifferent. You each and everyone of you are a big part of my life, and it wouldn't be the same journey without any of you.
• MY ELM. You'd kill me if I said too much. So that's all I will say. Except for this. "Hey..."
• Poetry, you are like an unfaithful lover. I can't let you go.
• Self. I am finding me again. A long journey, but it feels good to be in one's skin, loving what I see and feel.
• For not taking ______ into this year. For real, Angel that has to be the most powerful and refreshing mantra...
• Thy will be done.... For real, letting go of things I cannot control.
• My lane... and oh, my gosh how smooth the ride.
• Spirituality.. My quest is yielding some mad crazy results.

There is no 13.... I now introduce my self as (you know my government name). I came up with 13 a few years ago, because I suffered some serious losses. Losses I didn't think I could ever get past. I think by giving myself that name, I may have subconsciously created an energy that I didn't want.

I feeling good with k.i.(a)m. Cuz no matter what I want to keep it appropriately moving. For real.

There may be some life in poetry after all....

last night I went to my now second favorite venue in the ATX. THE VORTEX. i love spoken and heard (my favorite!!), my man, joe bizzle's joint. u can hear anything there! no seriously! it has that very creative vibe, makes you want to write atop napkins and shyt. it's free of egos, it's youthful, vibrant, expressive. i mean it just is..

so last night, i went to zell's venue. and i was like oh!my! gosh! i forgot how cool the vibe! i mean you have to know zell, really well. his venue doesn't represent the high energy he brings as an artist, it is best expressed through his love for the words and his craft. you can see it on his mile wide face. if you've ever seen him smile, under that scruffy moustache and beard dude's smile is beautifully warm and melting. for real! and those who know him knows he can become PRETTY DAMN passionate about what he loves. yet, it is absolutely refreshing to watch him fall in love all over again with just listening to poetry and chilling... for real. the features, well you already know. austin won't hurt for courageous voices for a very long time. believe me. they actually epitomized the energy in the room. just two dudes (maple sap and i an't got a sweet tooth for that!)

and it reminded me of why i started writing. and the hunrgy word loving crew i came up with. it reminded me of b's living room and dining area, before poetic house parties. back then yora was no different then harlem world new york. the renaissance (zora and langston) bleeker st. (baldwin and hansberry) or the black arts movement (sanchez, nikki and elderidge).

it reminded me of why i write.

If this is my last, let it be a prayer,
as in that first day.
when we were formless and empty.
when light was separated from darkness.
earth from water.
substance from pretense.
when you graced purity upon lips
holiness in spirit
and we exhaled your praise.
a burnt offering
placed at our feet
sacrificing all that you knew
to be true.
you removed prose from your soul
as rib from man,
scriptures from the apostles

monday wisdom

... I learned that this, too, is a chasing after the wind. For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief.

Ecclesiastes 1:17-18.

never strive to know anyone better then you know yourself. yet always count on them to be true to themselves, as you, too, shall be true to you.

Everything is exactly the way it should be...

I often wonder how some people can walk away from a life they've always known. Some do it angrily, suggesting that they cannot continue. Can't live with the embarrassment, pain or shame. They simply run, only to run into themselves moments, days, weeks, months, or maybe years later. Others walk away dignified. They do so fearlessly, with grace and class. They look life in the eye and ask "what's next?" Say a simple prayer, "Thy will be done." Inhale deeply. "SNIFFFFF". Exhale exuberantly. "WHOOOOOO." And look forward to the possibilities of all that is possible.

I want to be one of those people.

No I am one of those people.

goodbye....

many thanks

01) i feel lighter, free....
02) jazz, wine, poetry and team-mate/friends.
03) that she is growing into her own. public speaking, well deserved accolades, and job interviews. prayerfully love is on her horizon as well. she deserves it all.
04) incrEBONY. that one word to describe you. Good job acting in the play, I hate you had to be that hussie! (LOL) and you are doing that thing teacher teacha!
05) the board and devotion to a mission. i will give of myself this year, selflessly.
06) a well written, beautifully directed play! you are very talented. and not that you need it, but I am proud you stepped out on YOUR faith, and taught us all a lesson in following our dreams. i am happy to have witnessed your arrival, and can say i was there for the first run!
07) Saturday doing nothing and everything every moment with you.
08) can you SAY ANYTHING!!!!!
09) HIS PROMO! Miss Cellie, he'z da boss now!!!!
10) okay, i can say i witnessed 4 slam champs.... for real.
11) new found love for reading. I HAVE TIME ON THE PLANE!
12) phone calls to my Dad.
13) Good Orderly Direction. keeping it moving.

menu: pan seared tilapia, seafood stuffing, with a beautiful mixture of wax beans, green beans and parisienne carrots. jazz. wine. brown eyes and a smile. a great send off. be back tomorrow.

My Hair....

It was said that the wearer lived a "dread" life or a life in which he feared God, which gave birth to the modern name 'dreadlocks' for this ancient style......

My hair meant, and still means a lot to me. I just needed to make a change in my life. I had begun to make significant changes in my life, all for the better; however, I still lacked the spirituality needed in order to become whole. That idea of G.O.D. fearing has not sunk in. I still believe I can control other people, places and things. I believed that I had forgiven people and forgotten things, I hadn't. I've been better with my tongue, yet I'm not where I want to be. I needed to let some things go. Begin to cleanse my surroundings and the TEMPLE called ME.... Desperately wanting change, and wanting a statement to solidify that change I decided to cut away the last three years of my life. Not wanting to change or forget any of those moments. I want to learn from those years and make better future choices. I made some rather interesting choices and while, things seem okay and going well, I have a few regrets... And for a lack of imagination, I could not wash them out of my hair... Couldn't let go.

I needed to do the unthinkable, the unimaginable. let go and pray. I wanted Cassandra Wilson locks since the day I saw hers, and damn if I wasn't on my way! Yet you have to make sacrifices in order to grow. I want to live up to my potential. I still have my eyes on many prizes. The spiritual, physical and mental.

The hair cut wasn't thought out, I just did it. Now the weight. Putting down the extras that I use to make me "feel" better. Do not allow people, things or substance to fill voids only G.O.D. can fill. Another life lesson.

I love everyone's attention, and acknowledgement of the new do. I want to change, protect me, and set healthy boundaries...

With that being said... no offense, but let's keep our hands to ourselves and out of my hair.

Please...

Another sister and I were talking about it, and I am flattered that it seems, ugh, touchable... Yet, it's kind of like touching my ass... And I would never want you to do that unless we were intimate. Some of you will know what I'm talking about, some of you won't...

But I pray for simple overstanding. I do not want to have to deal with anyone being offended by my request. Or believing they are different.

Okay? This isn't to any one person. It's not directed at anyone. It is a public announcement.

love you all....

Light, Sassy and Grateful... It's only Hair

01. cutting off the last three years, sometimes you have to let go, in order to move forward...

02. remembering that i don't have to take A DAMN THING I DON'T WANT into my ____ year!

03. mike whalen. truly, i pray our friendship is one for the ages! you represent all that I hope to be. honorable, honest, trustworthy, and f'ing adorable.

04. for being that SISTAH... you know, the one you don't believe you are. You are humbly REG'LAR. And I love you for that!

05. for my beige Sister. Yes, I pray we continue to grow together. Thank you for continuing to stretch and grow beyond that cocoon, those trees, those clouds, that horizon.

06. for the Sisters I miss... The Trees. Magnolia and Mahogany.

07. Niecey do that there.

08. For your e-mail, you have always been able to step out of you and do for others. Yes. You already know.

09. For standing firm in my beliefs and convictions. Know what, we got our own thing. NOW WHAT! What!!

10. Say Anything.. Coming Soon..

11. A G.O.D. that is truly patient, loving and kind. You manifest yourself in (my choices, ELM, family and friends) all that is good and orderly, directing my life.

12. a hella writing exercise with hella writers.

13. my Baby.... yes, even though I cut three years, it does not represent us. it represents all that I have to let go, in order for us to move forward (individually and collectively). i pray we continue to walk this path together.

random and grateful

• that i have people in my life i love enough to be disappointed in and with.
• that i'm old enough to recognize when enough is enough.
• while there is no such thing as fair, i work at being firm in what i believe is fair.
• to know that in the end it's about who can piss the longest.
• there is no i in team, but when you want to make it about you, it does become "me, me, me."
• when do you recognize that some friendships no matter how close, will only equal pain.
• and when you recognize it, and know it to be true, when do you walk away.
• thanks G.O.D. i've put on my shoes and know where the door is.
• there will always be words even when there is no stage.
• that i don't have children and i don't have to teach them about poor choices and disappointment.
• that i am not a bitter adult, just a bitter board member, team member, friend and mentor.
• that today, i am letting go of some of the negative energy that plagues me.
• good orderly direction.
• those beautiful brown eyes.
• and friends that don't put me in fck'd up awkward positions to prove points and stroke egos.

THE SLAM SCENE

SUCKS!

For You 6!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JUNE!!!!!!

neo soul sistah!!!

FAMILTRY
(a poet’s family tree)

Nikki promised that life and love would be like cotton candy on a rainy day…the sweet soft essence of possibility never quite maturing….
My cotton candy is drenched with bitterness and sorrow, the sticky residue remains on my hands, a reminder, ensuring
I will always remember the soulful inflection of my inner being and my quest to become the WOMAN that lies deep inside of me.
The blue sky with Ntokake’s rainbow of sassafras, cypress and indigo dancing in Audre’s winds of orisha, are now a distant memory.
My sky, clouds, rainbow, and cool breeze which used to brush softly across my cheeks,
Have disappeared, forcing me inside, to play childish games like chutes and ladders and hide and go seek.
That sky, that brilliant sky, has been replaced with a translucent marble ceiling, fencing and closing me in.
Langston warned that life ain’t no crystal stair, but I was young, believed I knew it all, and just didn’t bother to listen.
I thought about Sonia’s home coming, her knowledge and teachings on how the world views a sister with a strong voice.
(Homegirls and handgrenades, they often called us.)
‘Cuz in love and life a sister’s gotta keep her mouth closed, be happy that she has a man or a job, and no matter what, don’t put up a fuss and don’t dare cuss.
Georgia and I talked about lost illusions, the heart of a woman, and how I wanted to die while he still loved me.
You see, I never wanted to know or experience in my lifetime the day he and I were to declare our love was never meant to be, a simple fantasy….
As Paul’s negro love song played in the background, I understood, in that moment why he could never love me endlessly and completely.
“Herritage” Countee once said. “Contributes to the Loss of Love for a poet.” The words, profound, as black love and respect were destroyed during the boat ride from Africa to slavery.
I am my ancestor’s eyes, but we all have a story to tell, cuz black folk are poets, prophets, lyrist, satirist, creators of lifestyles, prose, and song.
Zora advised me to be proud, stand on the shoulders of the people who came before me, so my eyes would always be watching God. I don’t think her words were wrong.
Gwendolyn and James laughed at my naivety, as we sang a song in the front yard on Beale St. with the rest of the family.
Etheridge smiled, and simply stated, “Baby girl, when you feel you have no one else, you can always come home, sit under the familtry and ponder on the idea of ancestry.

kdtaylor, october 14, 2004