conversations

"I mean, what would you do if you woke up the next morning and thought God was dead?".
paraphrasing the work of
Mr. Zell Miller, III
Austin Slam Team 2005, 2006

She sat in darkened room, lightening shattered the depression that swelled inside her bosom. memories and ghosts from her past, sat stilled in the shadows.

"ah've known lil' peace, an' piece a' min' iza lux'ry ah can't a'ford. 'specially win ah done bounce da check owed from yesti'deys washed out dreams." i felt her noose of despair, regret and tears cut close against my neck. the sting jarred me back into the reality of the moment. silenced by betrayed voices, i sat paralyzed dodging her words. and her story. as if they were bullets threatening my life. the core of my existence. dodging, in fear, that one day, her story may be my own...

"win ah die, dere may be tin, 'leven peoples at da fune'ral, dat's iffin dey ain't altready dead. mostly family. so ah guess ah'll be cremated." she chuckles eerily at the reality of her statement. "babee, ah have lived mah life 'n fear, 'n wile, ah don't pity mah'self fo' da de'cisons ah've made, at times ah'm, 'shamed. ah see it 'n yer face. chile, now, dontcha go feelin' sorry fa me. ah'm ma ole wo'min. ah've lived mah life. ah'm notta lonely wo'min. lone'ness iz ah state ah' min'. an' ah ain't got dat state 'n mah min'. jus' yit. always had mah thangs, ya know, mah share. ah've lived. even if 'n fear. ah've lived. ah've had family, friends an' love at dif'rent times 'n mah life. but mah bigges' struggle wuz jus' learnin' ta luv me. could nevah quite git dat one dere r'aight. life will giv' ya many 'speriences, ya jus' have ta chose da right lessin... sumthin', ah've nevah bin good at babee, sumthin'.... ah've, nevah bin good at. learnt much too late fa my likein', das ahl." she turns slightly to her left, allowing her voice to journey along the dust tracks to the corner of the small room. there rests shattered colors and scar tissue framed neatly along top a dresser. she smiles softly in their direction with conflicted solace. i am unable to recognize her seemingly affectionate gaze, as one of my own. yet, the feeling overwhelmed me.

"ah don't 'no if it wuz upbringin', loss, 'r gain dat taut me mos'. az a child, ah los' jus' 'bout ev'rythin', an' ev'ryone dat i believed evah luv me. dey simply walk out or died. an', let me tellya, don't let noone tellya dere's a difference. 'cuz it ain't. ah learnt dat peoples leave early 'n mah life. ah also learnt dat dey will dis'point ya. seem like leavin' an' dis'pointment wuz mo' like family den mah blood kin. so ah learnt real quick notta put too much stock 'n peoples. dat iffin ya wont anydang 'n dis here life, you hafta learn ta git it fo' yo'self. gots to be 'n control. gotta muddie yer feets, and callous yer hands.. 'cept, late' on, win ya ole like me, ya learn ya can't control nothin' sides you.. 'less, course ya willin' to fight. an' ah ain't nevah bin no fighta... ah'd like ta thank ah would iffin ah had ta.. ah'd put up a good front. ah'd stay, but 'n mah heart ah'd quit a long time 'go... guess, win it came r'aight down ta it.. nuthin' wuz really evah worff fightan' fo. guessin' das why noone evah really fot fa' me, ah rekon. ain't nevah fot fo' no man or wo'min fa dat matta. and chile, ah have a thurst. ah'm ma thrusty fa luv, lil like mos thrusty fa watta. bin dat wey since ah wuz a chile. guessin' no ma uh do dat der ta ya. so's ah lookit 'n otha peoples. neva made me fill no betta tho. guessin' dats why ah nevah had no chilin'. too hart fa 'em. me bein' dey ma an' all. an' ain't gone keep naw man 'roun' fah long e'ter.. hehehe.. peoples jus' git on mah nervs sumtime babee. but, ah've a'wayz bin thusrty fa luv. sumone ta luv me. so's one haz nevah bin 'nuff. seem likes dey sey one thang den do anutha. imma take careovya. imma do dis. imma do dat dere. an' me, well. ah starts out wit da bes' intentions, but ain't bin no good at finishin'. so we bof en' up not happy. and ah. well, like ah sed, ah needed mo. dat's all ah'll sey 'bout dat. guess, tho, jus' learnt it'z betta to be 'lone. ah ain't gone be lonelee wit sum damn body layin' up 'n mah bed. jus' learnt ya don't need no body but ya'self. Das' all ya really have 'n da en', jus' you an' God.'"

thunder cracked, breaking my trance. i lay in cold sweat. in fear, i place my hand across my neck to feel the dampness of the welt from her noose.