so you'll know what i did this summer..

four of the fiercest young women in the world. for real...

AROC, MargoTruth, Shay and Perception

ATX U21 2009

Just a little dat and dis (yet) i Claim her... friendship

This was our favorite meeting place. Before an angel's wings and a little balled up fist, we were two charming January Mofo's that shared a friendship. A bond. And a love of Chucks and Vee-Dubs.

We had, and continue to have a simple understanding, just laying low and being low key. Someone I could just be me and you could continue to grow into you. We found that in each other...

As life hits, and it does, we grow and move on. We fall in love (not with each other LOL!!) and begin our separate journeys. Never away from the friendship, just following the path that life takes us. We know that if the other ever needed a hand or a word, we'd be there.

Uncanny and true to us, our lives paralleled. We found ourselves making the same hard choices independent of conversations. We are also finding ourselves and better love along the way.

I can treat you as I have my life long friends. We don't have to talk everyday yet can answer the phone and pick up at the last moment we spoke or were together. That is the essence of a mature friendship. Thanks for being one of a handful.

I always give props to B-Langston, Angel, Eb and Chelle. You and the Kotalian mean as much to me, yet you have always been the one who would rather hang to the side until it was just our time. So forgive me for putting this out here....

I know you have cheered for me, as I have always cheered for you. No one understands our silence and unknowing glances. They don't have to. MOST IMPORTANTLY we do.

I look forward to continuing to cheer for you as you enter another phase in your life. You know I am always here. And prayerfully this time I get to be in the wedding. For real, you know!?! (I know you're a bit fearful, 'cuz I am just that CUTE... ROTFLMAO!!)

True to our goofy nature, I will leave you with this... our friendship can always be felt in the ayer!!!!!!

peace bug and love for chucks... we are all stars.

pleased as punch and grateful

• remembering a Lady always knows when to make an exit
• remember what sustains me
• prayer
• your recovery!!!
• sex and the city we kilt the 4th b
• U21
• love... yes, truly learning the meaning
• did i mention knowing when to make an exit?
• crazy moments not dwelling or defining me
• langston.. please don't learn the hard way that i will cut you over him.. sorry, a little aggressive.
• being a part of the beginning, not having to re-create ONE THING. IT cannot be recreated, there are some things you just get to HEAR about and experience vicariously through others... make YOUR moments, and MAKE THEM COUNT.. maybe someone will want to re-live those.
• having moments people WANT to relive and re-CREATE.
• g.o.d. for putting people in my path and life, even those i have to walk behind and those who i must leave me behind.. again... simply moments...

weekly prayer from N.W.

Dear God, Sometimes I feel like I have poured myself into something or someone, and worked and fought for a cause, only to see no fruits for my labors. It all seemed in vain. But I know that You can work in all of that to fulfill a greater purpose. Please, don't let the labor of my heart and hands be in vain. I pray that all I do would be as unto You and for a good purpose and eternal value. Please bless the works of my heart and hands for Your glory. Please empower me with wisdom and insight through Your Holy Spirit. Please guide me every step and every day, to have a part in reaching this world for You and ministering to those I love. In Jesus' name, amen.

There are poets and there are grownups. "Jean Cocteau"

There is a place in God's sun for the youth "farthest down" who has the vision, the determination, and the courage to reach it.
Mary McLeod Bethune (1875 - 1955)

this moment contains all moments.. C.S. Lewis

I know. I know. Not 2006 AGAIN... Yes, 2006 again.

the year of personality and emotion, and man do we still have those things!!!
"Poetry is not a turning loose of emotion, but an escape from emotion; it is not the expression of personality, but an escape from personality. But, of course, only those who have personality and emotions know what it means to want to escape from these things."
T.S. Eliot (1888 - 1965)

giving thanks, LIVE from Renaissance Hall

• my (SUB)Urban HangSuite complete with Renaissance Hall, the Langston-Zora Suite and the Harlem Boudoir!
• the birds and thier voracious chirping one kiss shy of the back of your neck til dawn....
• the light breeze that caresses the lift of smiling cheeks before the morning alarm.
• laughing with with the Sex and the City we kilt the 4th B crew. "have i told you i love you lately..."
• A moment with Sam... R.I.P.
• A moment with Quentin... R.I.P.
• My Baby Brother is moving to San Antonio to go to dental school!!! It's always cool when family moves closer!
• Talking to my Dad this morning...
• U21. Like really? I am following Greatness.
• Grace, Opportunity and Destiny (G.O.D.)
• Good Orderly Direction (G.O.D.)
• Faith (that everything falls the way it's suppose to regardless of the mess, it can be beautiful). It's like a Rorscharch Test.
• For making the phone call to you. I don't care who you tell. One day, you will remember our initial conversation months ago. Again, Rorscharch or Holtzman. It's psychological. You see coat of arms, I see bat.
• Langston... I pray you are learning.
• Moments and seasons.
• AN ELM Tree..
• my friends here and far far away...
• lastly facebook... for real, i've never laughed so hard!

a full stomach forgets how it's fed....

funny...

with all the things going on with me recently, i keep forgetting how i was fed.. what has sustained me. and i have to, despite everything that's going on with me have faith that i have only one person to answer to. it is the eyes of truth when i stare into my reflection. i have to remember that i am not perfect, yet there is g.o.d in me. just as (s)he is in others. i often want to forget a few of my truths as i don't like to remain in the past.

the biggest is my truth about trust. i don't trust.

i don't have that:
1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
i mean i do. i do with the sex in the city we kilt the 4th b crew. i do with langston. adrienne. my sister.

yet i struggle, particularly when my life tightens, i.e. things change quickly and i can't take the time to figure it out, i simply snatch what i don't have time to think about, evaluate, re-evaluate, investigate, or revisit out of my life. i don't want to have to deal with "trust" issues.

there's where it is shaky. a few things have happened over the last week. most importantly, my job and the Under 21 team. which among very few things aside from my "partnership/companionship/friendship" and family vie for all of the attention in my life.

my youngest sibling, BJ called last week saying he "may move to San Antonio". i receive a text yesterday saying he is moving from north carolina to san antonio and BTW "sis, i need your help getting an apartment." my co-worker saga, which by all accounts i have handled well since i have been given an interim supervisory role. two close friends have had deaths in their family (which always freaks me the heck out) so i sit and ponder my choices and my mortality. people have entrusted their children to me. shelia has entrusted her daughter's legacy upon me.
i live alone. and i am the sole breadwinner. there is no one or thing to fall back on. and i had plans. big plans. now.

and none of them included dealing with trust issues! not right now. LIFE HAS BEEN SO SWEET. And I don't want to swerve from my lane.

now, i must look trust square in the eyes. and i have to trust myself to remain committed to my safekeeping, my word, my world and my integrity. there are too many people depending on me. i cannot trust those i do not trust to do that for me. i have to remain steadfast on the things that are most important.

that sounds strange. yet it is my truth. i am like a baby or a fool. i am always looked out for, faith is highly in my favor. truly. and despite the bad i can see in myself and others, i am truly an optimist when i have the time.

i don't have that time. if i take the time i may be homeless, not eat, be careless with someone's child or my word. my village taught me more than that. my family and friends remind me of that.

i started with a full stomach forgets how it's fed. i've had some shaky moments these last few days. i've wanted to dive in. make things my concern. it was momentarily enticing. i hit a curb, not a bump in the road! i cannot let these moments and days define who i am.

the last year , i have feasted upon positivity and prayer. if not, i may be stuck in some rut and would have never: developed one of my most cherished female friendships with a Butterfly, two promotions, two kick ass vacations, stepped away from people and things i love, obtained the sex in the city we kilt the 4th loving friendship, a thorough understanding of my confusing relationship with Langston, my family, and that damn ELM tree, as well as learned to smile through these f'ing braces! with that i am full... yet i am hungry, but not for disaster.

and while i am not as hungry as i once was, i am not full. and i will not forget that which continues to sustain me....

(SUB)Urban Hangsuite - I guess it never was, the way i thought it was, i say this just because

if you understand the beginning well, the end will never trouble you-ashanti proverb.

you're still welcome...

Mondays......

my weekend was scooter-riff-ic!

i retired the nonsense of the monkey and M&M.... (LOL)

rode my bike and walked around my hood....

rested under the shade of an Elm tree..

hung out with B-Fran...

had the first U21 meeting, thus my first visitors to the LOFT.... (Angel and EB, you are slipping!!!)

had my best longest buddy in the world text me several times saying she say me on HBO

got a text from the Kotalian with the freeze frame of us.. ROFLMAO!!!!

was reminded i missed the season finale of survivor!!! and that JT WON.. I thought he was a backstabbing prejudice SOB... frankly.. Taj should have won, but they weren't gonna let the wealthy sister win!!! She was really the most honest and trustworthy..

was irritated by a co-worker and the dishonesty in the workplace it really sucks.. (she presented my work as hers while i was out!!!) even caused me to post a rant (which i vowed never to do AGAIN) and a prayer from my girl Nicole... ugh.... i've got to do better... while i didn't go off or discuss it with anyone at work, i fumed inside.... better but now where i truly want to be..

lastly for one moment i was saddened. then.. it clicked... i've been minding my own business and loving the life i'm living... it's a gift that has kept on giving... so i'm stepping and living...

05.17.09

just thoughts...

i am so happy knowing ME and my Lane....

one of my favorite daily e-mails is a prayer from my girl N.W.

Kosher said something like, "Jesus was wearing all-stars, 'cuz we're all stars!!"

I'm sitting in my favorite room of my new home.. catching up and find this one..

Dear God, Calm my spirit today. Please forgive me of gossip or worry about the people and circumstances that surround me. Please replace anger with peace. Please help me to keep my focus on Jesus, author and finisher of my faith. Please help me to focus on what I need to accomplish today, and what You want me to do. Put away all wrong thoughts and keep me from wrong actions. I want to be a steady, stable, godly person who is a pleasure to be around and a loving witness of your mercy and glory. May I be an instrument that produces a sweet, soothing sound, uplifting spirits and pleasing the Master Conductor, My Lord. In Jesus' name I pray, amen

"when did the truth become a pandemic?" quote from the ELM

and i agree. i think most people should just avoid it. simply because we live in little gray lies, we call our lives.
i

have realized what gets me into the most trouble.

it's

not what i believed.

yes, i do talk too damn much when i should say very little.

yet,

my real problem is THAT

i

remember everything. sometimes i remember too much.

THE BIGGER PROBLEM

i'm not afraid to remind YOU of what was said or done.

People don't like that..

it doesn't matter who said it or did it.

i

will remind you

at the most inopportune time!

i have a love hate relationship with rules...

i love my job as it is based on rules.

the

BLACK AND WHITE THAT MELD PERFECTLY TO GRAY...

is where i live and play!

RULES

govern us as a society as a people.

they are designed to keep us honest.

and I try to balance honesty and dishonesty by omission...

RULES

U either live by them or against them

U don't live in the midst of them,

U, I and MOST SIMPLY

exist in a gray area that shades them.

U

cannot attach yourself to right, honest and purposeful when

U

are willing to bend the the black and white into GRAY!

I

remember..

I

now know

U

are willing to bend..

not for justice

NOT FOR JUST US...

only for

U......

so the next time

I say I live in the GRAY..

Don't make me remind U that U too

live comfortably next to me,

are my neighbor

I mean

if not in my gray,

a darker shade.....

kdtaylor, 2009

A RANT..

all rights reserved

NEO SOUL SLAM FINALS!!!!!

I'm sitting on the bench, tonight... But I'm wishing all of you GOOD LUCK...

REP-PRE-SPIT POETS!!!!!

Grateful...

• Finally getting and settling into the Loft... It's feeling like home.
• Dinner with the Sex in the City we kilt the 4th Crew. I love you Ladies.
• Chil-riding with B-Fran to Killeen.
• Last weeks Neo
• The Under 21 Team.
• My Elm Tree..
• my family...
• The strength in friendship. I am happy we've got to this space and place.
• Knowing my lane well enough to drive with the lights off on a dark HIGHWAY!!!
• Prayers
• Remembering what used to be and vowing to make it better.
• New beginnings on open highways with endless possibilities. Rolling the window down, enjoying the breeze, company and ride.
• Witnessing a Mother's strength. I wish they all could be like Dr. Shelia.
• Just a simple vow to make the most of the time I have on this EARTH. I am having a ball..
• And lastly you... Yes, you... If not you, then who?

The Forgotten, and We Don't WANT WHITE ROSES!!!!

Happy (un)mother's day to the woman who COURAGEOUSLY CELEBRATES THE WATER AND LAND. who continues to go to the beach for comfort, despite it's waters stealing her child...
Happy (un)mother's day to the woman who lost her child and STILL feels the pain in her womb..
Happy (un)mother's day to the girl who awkwardly places too much make up on her face because her mother died before she was able to teach her.
Happy (un)mother's day to the woman who lost her ONLY child, a daughter before she gave her a grandchild.. so not only has she lost her daughter she's lost her life line.
Happy (un)mother's day to the grandmother who has to stare into her deceased daughter though the eyes of her grandchild.
Happy (un)mother's day to the woman who never got the chance to say I'm sorry or make her mother proud. She accepts and loves you. she is also VERY proud.
Happy (un)mother's day to the woman who sees herself in the child who clumsily prepares burnt toast... the only childhood memory she has of mother's day...
Happy (un)mother's day to the little girl who will find everything lady and woman vile, as she does not want to face that her mother is no longer there to support her!
Happy (un)mother's day to the woman who cannot afford to see her daughter in prison.
Happy (un)mother's day to the mother who can't see her children because she's in prison.
Happy (un)mother's day to the woman who has lost her child to the streets.
Happy (un)mother's day to the woman who desperately wants children, yet cannot birth them.
Happy (un)mother's day to every child who has to make a card for a grandparent, aunt or some other woman in their life.

Happy (un)mother's day to the ones who will want to hide, cry, bury themselves deep into themselves and their pain. I feel you.


Happy Mother's day to the Village that reared me. Celebrate. Know that I love you.

AND TO MY FRIENDS WHO ARE MOTHER'S ENJOY THIS SPECIAL DAY, YOU ARE WORTHY!!!

san antonio to dallas to austin.... part II

Bryan St was special because it was truly my choice. I had just been freed from a hostage like relationship (LOL). God did for me what I couldn't do for myself. It’s called a JOB TRANSFER!!! So I was free to search for me… It took me a month to find it. I canvassed the area every evening and on weekends. There was a HUGE TREE just outside my window. Birds chirped early in the morning wake me up sooner than I liked! Squirrel did their thing. There were way, way, I MEAN WAY too many quinceaneras. And the tree roaches were a bit off the chain.

BUT I loved it.

Before the move, of course I threw things away. Furniture, dishes, gifts from the ex, pictures of the ex and I, and extra stuff that I felt did not have a need. This was my moving ritual!!! I found it cleansing, empowering!

I loved my Loft/Flat in East Dallas. The Urban removal was in full fledged in Dallas before it was a spark in anyone’s eye in Austin. I lived comfortably around a multi-ethnic cultural mix of people. I could walk to the market for groceries or restaurant for lunch/dinner, ride my bike down town, jog along Swiss St, take the train, and stumble home in DRUNKENNESS from the lower Greenville Ave Clubs! Or cheap cab fare from Cedar Springs, Deep Ellum and Downtown. It was paradise. If I had not taken a job in Austin, I’d probably still live in that apartment!

My new place has the Bryan St., Boatright Cove, and Ferris St. potential. Yet it has brought up a lot of memories. As I was moving, I began searching for things. Remembering things, and looking for small mementos that let me know I had truly lived. There were missing pictures of my past loves or likes (depends on my mood).

Age has a way of reminding you who is actually in charge! I was reminded of my vulnerability. I was reminded of my time, space and place in this WORLD. Moving has taken me in many directions. While it has been solemn, at times painful, hurtful, sad, it has began to show that it is NOT FOR THE BEST! but for THE BETTERMENT of me.

I miss many of the items I deemed useless and superfluous. I miss the memories attached to them. I remembered throwing away the build a bear, Guapa (a gift from CDR) after I found her birth certificate in a box I hadn’t opened in years. My favorite Martha’s Vineyard t-shirt after seeing a picture of me wearing it. I thought about the ring and watch I threw away after CAD and I broke up. All the pictures where we were wrapped so tightly in love (I couldn’t cut myself out of the picture to keep me, and I was DAMN CUTE!) that I torn into pieces after we broke up. I thought about the pictures of me and my moped. Pictures of my days at St. Mary’s with my Chi Phi brothers, Sig Ep guy friends and countless others that would be hilarious on Facebook. Love letters. Plane tickets. Concert ticket stubs. Year books. Shoes. Jeans. T-shirts. Stuffed animals. Trinkets. Man everything.

So as I placed the emerald vase on the shelf, a plastic wrapper an Emergency God Kit with among other things an aged (at least 10 years old) piece of peppermint, my Grand's bibles, handkerchiefs, a thirty year old pocket dictionary, a crotchet blanket, a really cool burgundy blanket that really doesn't match anything in the house as well as a sticky note pad with GOD's sweetest gift along side (all gifts from my Grand) I knew like her memory, I could never part with these things. Much like not being able to erase he number from my phone log! I remembered one of the last times I was at Zerrcliff. We were going through things after her funeral. Remembering. Then I thought one day some one will have to gather my things. Scoop up what’s left of my life and throw it/ME away. Would they toss them carelessly or study them? Laugh? Cry? Remember? Take a piece of me with them? Maybe most items would have no meaning to them. Then I thought, I’ve treated the precious items and times in my life as hasty as a stranger. What do my things say? What do my friends say? Do they say I did not only love but I was loved. I had fun. I laughed. I cried. I sought. I conquered. I was defeated. I learned. I prayed. I thought? I volunteered? Gave my time? Kept my word? Was honest? Mentored? Lead? Followed? What? How would anyone know that if I continue to throw away the things that are most important? Including people?

And it was scary. It was a scary place to be. So in my new place… I vow to do the following
Not look for the next place to live.
Call it home.
Treat it like home.
Entertain friends, not PEOPLE!!
Welcome friendship
Foster love
Let G.O.D. in (BEFORE ME) each and every time I enter!!!
Also make sure he closes the door behind us!!
Savor moments.

So I don’t want any one’s feelings to be hurt, I have to treat my home as I treat myself. EVERYONE CAN’T COME INSIDE!!!

san antonio to dallas to austin.... part I

When I was about five, we moved around the corner from Corliss St. to Ferris St. I was too young to remember any specific emotions attached to the move. The summer of my transition from elementary to middle school we moved from my Great Grandmother’s house on Ferris to what would become my childhood home, 111 Zerrcliff Lane. That was a life altering move. I often tell friends that everything that is good about me came from my Great-Grand. The house on Ferris St holds significant memories. There I was allowed to be a child. I knew a child’s place and it was the most free I’d felt in my life. It was also the only time during my childhood that I felt someone actually tried to make me a home and make me welcome at home!

At 111 Zerrcliff I leaned a very tough life lesson before I ever set foot into the house or laid my head on a pillow. Everything, I MEAN EVERYTHING is expendable if the person in charge does not value it. I quickly learned what expendable and “trash” meant. The move was particularly emotional as my sister and I had two dogs. I can remember the day we moved, crying as we looked out of the back window of that old blue Pontiac rounding the corner as we went on to our new adventure. We had to leave our pets behind.

SIDEBAR: Trigger, (yes, we wanted a horse) a Fox Terrier given to us a puppy to console us after the loss of our Mother. I can remember the morning he was given to us. My sister and I stumbling sleepily out of our room in footed pajamas, rubbing our eyes, responding to the whine and bark of our puppy! It was Christmas morning, a few months after our mother's death, my sister hadn't gone a day without crying (I've been told, until that day!). My Great Grand and Great Aunt kept telling us that Santa was going to bring us something special. (We thought it was a horse!) We jumped in joy before we fell to our knees scooping up our little curly ball of fur…. Sassy (another Fox Terrier) Trigger's wife (had a wedding and everything!) was given to us the following year.

While the new house had ENOUGH SPACE and A YARD, we (the dogs, my sister and I) would no longer be afforded the type of freedom we were used to. Our beloved pets would become outside dogs, they were not welcome into the house. They were expendable, regardless of the memories attached to them! So we had to leave them behind with the lady who (worked for my Great Grand) and who would now rent our old home.

I spent 8 years in a house that never felt like home. I spent 8 years learning the meaning of expendable and trash! I can remember my last night in that house, and how I vowed I would sleep on the street before I returned. As I aged I became a vagabond, a drifter. Drifters don’t attach themselves to anything or anyone, except of course other drifters. I lived in practically every Women’s Dorm on St. Mary’s campus. After I graduated and went to Grad School, then the work force I moved from apartment to apartment, condo to condo, house to house. At least once I moved after 6 months in the same community. I even moved from one apartment to a house before I finished unpacking my things! I have always “looked” for the next place to live. And with each move, I redefined expendable and trash…. I’ve thrown or convinced my partner to throw away significant items. “So what if it has memories. And? It’s trash. It doesn’t have any meaning. Really, by keeping that one thing you’re not going to remember _____________. Are you serious right now, we can get a new one!” I don’t think I told you my Grand got us a new puppy to go along with the new home.

Since Ferris St. in San Antonio, the only place that has EVER truly felt like home was my loft apartment on Bryan St. in Dallas, TX. There were glimpses of home at my ELM’s house on Boatwright Cove. In fact, if the mitigating factors that contributed to our general discomfort disappeared and if our relationship had been stronger at the time I would have gladly called it home. There was a Ferris St. safeness and welcomed feel to it.

I say all this to say. I have moved again. I have been in Austin 9 years. I have lived in two apartments in one community and two houses in two Suburban cities. The longest, my most recent address was three years. And while my house in Pflugerville was a dream, it didn't feel like home.... to either of us.

to be continued....

Movin' on Up and Grateful...

01) A beautiful LOFT APARTMENT with stained concrete floors and a park view from every window in every room!!!
02) That I am healthy enough to have a back-ache!
03) Loving me... Loving me... Falling in love with me, I am one sexy mother hubbard!!!
04) Loving my Elm Tree through every season...
05) My Sex in the City we kilt the 4th B... Pluckin' soon?
06) For a WONDERFUL WEEKEND with poets and Friends....
07) Youth Slam Team, Under 21... All young women, SAY WHAT? and I am so happy with the diversity of the group...
08) Chelle, yes, Butterfly I'm calling you out... I am grateful for the paths and roads we tripped, stumbled, fallen, skipped, ran and now walking along. Can I say I love you?
09) Langston. Just 'cuz... Man. Damn.
10) That the BULL is healthy!!!!!!
11) Grace, Opportunity and Destiny as it manifests itself in my life... even when i don't understand I am truly happy with the outcome...
12) Falling on knees at night, instead of collapsing... Yes... there is a sweet difference!
13) For you, if not how would I truly know I am alive!!!!