a full stomach forgets how it's fed....

funny...

with all the things going on with me recently, i keep forgetting how i was fed.. what has sustained me. and i have to, despite everything that's going on with me have faith that i have only one person to answer to. it is the eyes of truth when i stare into my reflection. i have to remember that i am not perfect, yet there is g.o.d in me. just as (s)he is in others. i often want to forget a few of my truths as i don't like to remain in the past.

the biggest is my truth about trust. i don't trust.

i don't have that:
1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
i mean i do. i do with the sex in the city we kilt the 4th b crew. i do with langston. adrienne. my sister.

yet i struggle, particularly when my life tightens, i.e. things change quickly and i can't take the time to figure it out, i simply snatch what i don't have time to think about, evaluate, re-evaluate, investigate, or revisit out of my life. i don't want to have to deal with "trust" issues.

there's where it is shaky. a few things have happened over the last week. most importantly, my job and the Under 21 team. which among very few things aside from my "partnership/companionship/friendship" and family vie for all of the attention in my life.

my youngest sibling, BJ called last week saying he "may move to San Antonio". i receive a text yesterday saying he is moving from north carolina to san antonio and BTW "sis, i need your help getting an apartment." my co-worker saga, which by all accounts i have handled well since i have been given an interim supervisory role. two close friends have had deaths in their family (which always freaks me the heck out) so i sit and ponder my choices and my mortality. people have entrusted their children to me. shelia has entrusted her daughter's legacy upon me.
i live alone. and i am the sole breadwinner. there is no one or thing to fall back on. and i had plans. big plans. now.

and none of them included dealing with trust issues! not right now. LIFE HAS BEEN SO SWEET. And I don't want to swerve from my lane.

now, i must look trust square in the eyes. and i have to trust myself to remain committed to my safekeeping, my word, my world and my integrity. there are too many people depending on me. i cannot trust those i do not trust to do that for me. i have to remain steadfast on the things that are most important.

that sounds strange. yet it is my truth. i am like a baby or a fool. i am always looked out for, faith is highly in my favor. truly. and despite the bad i can see in myself and others, i am truly an optimist when i have the time.

i don't have that time. if i take the time i may be homeless, not eat, be careless with someone's child or my word. my village taught me more than that. my family and friends remind me of that.

i started with a full stomach forgets how it's fed. i've had some shaky moments these last few days. i've wanted to dive in. make things my concern. it was momentarily enticing. i hit a curb, not a bump in the road! i cannot let these moments and days define who i am.

the last year , i have feasted upon positivity and prayer. if not, i may be stuck in some rut and would have never: developed one of my most cherished female friendships with a Butterfly, two promotions, two kick ass vacations, stepped away from people and things i love, obtained the sex in the city we kilt the 4th loving friendship, a thorough understanding of my confusing relationship with Langston, my family, and that damn ELM tree, as well as learned to smile through these f'ing braces! with that i am full... yet i am hungry, but not for disaster.

and while i am not as hungry as i once was, i am not full. and i will not forget that which continues to sustain me....