Where I Am

Let's see. This year has been so f'ingtastic. For real. Five months into the year, I honestly believe I am gracefully facing those things that are most important, and how I would love to be remembered. Prayerfully, anyway. I mean, okay, let's say this is a five month thankful list. Not in any order.

• Say Anything Open Mic and Under 21 Youth Slam. They are the polar opposites of each other, yet, if you are to be an instrument of change you must strive to make that which exists better. In addition, be willing to step out and create the proto-type of what you believe to be the future. So what Mike and I have is an open mic for youth, driven by youth. I mean a youth will host! A youth will DJ (if we can find someone)! Youth will feature! (with the occasional youth driven adult). There will be words, music and mayhem! For real. I AM SOOOOO EXCITED. Did I say I was EXCITED!!!!
• My Community of Fam. Like, I have created a bond with the Phil Jackson of Slam Poetry. And I love 'im to freaking death. I mean he is selfless in his drive to improve the divide within the poetry community and helping youth through cultural exposure and expression of self. My domino/card partner, am so glad things are starting to fall into place. For real. Never again. My Poet in Law. Yes, you will always be that. Thick and thin. Angel/Eb. You already know. G.O.D. gave me a sister from another Grandmuther, and a beautiful, sassy ass, driven niece. Cousin, just because you're MIA don't mean nothing. Find you. We all need to get away sometime. My trees. No we don't talk much don't mean a thang, we got it like that. HA! Ms. Jackson. Thanks for reminding me it's okay to dream and go after it. Langston, Lovie. KA. Fight like fam, love like fam, will always be just that, FAM. MASONS. Nothing else said. Copa. F'ing blogger world. Who would have known? Yes, I am that big sis to you my brother. Thanks for the trust and love. Element, thanks for giving me to fall in love words all over again. Angie (the freeness!), Shameless, Faye and Dave. Thanks for your words, humor and friendship. K.O.R.I.M. and Knowetic... HAHAHAHA why couldn't I be 18? C.M.B. Sr. (yea, I know your initials) and Crowtrain I pray I get to know you guys better. You are men among boys. For real. Good, bad, sad, mad or indifferent. You each and everyone of you are a big part of my life, and it wouldn't be the same journey without any of you.
• MY ELM. You'd kill me if I said too much. So that's all I will say. Except for this. "Hey..."
• Poetry, you are like an unfaithful lover. I can't let you go.
• Self. I am finding me again. A long journey, but it feels good to be in one's skin, loving what I see and feel.
• For not taking ______ into this year. For real, Angel that has to be the most powerful and refreshing mantra...
• Thy will be done.... For real, letting go of things I cannot control.
• My lane... and oh, my gosh how smooth the ride.
• Spirituality.. My quest is yielding some mad crazy results.

There is no 13.... I now introduce my self as (you know my government name). I came up with 13 a few years ago, because I suffered some serious losses. Losses I didn't think I could ever get past. I think by giving myself that name, I may have subconsciously created an energy that I didn't want.

I feeling good with k.i.(a)m. Cuz no matter what I want to keep it appropriately moving. For real.

There may be some life in poetry after all....

last night I went to my now second favorite venue in the ATX. THE VORTEX. i love spoken and heard (my favorite!!), my man, joe bizzle's joint. u can hear anything there! no seriously! it has that very creative vibe, makes you want to write atop napkins and shyt. it's free of egos, it's youthful, vibrant, expressive. i mean it just is..

so last night, i went to zell's venue. and i was like oh!my! gosh! i forgot how cool the vibe! i mean you have to know zell, really well. his venue doesn't represent the high energy he brings as an artist, it is best expressed through his love for the words and his craft. you can see it on his mile wide face. if you've ever seen him smile, under that scruffy moustache and beard dude's smile is beautifully warm and melting. for real! and those who know him knows he can become PRETTY DAMN passionate about what he loves. yet, it is absolutely refreshing to watch him fall in love all over again with just listening to poetry and chilling... for real. the features, well you already know. austin won't hurt for courageous voices for a very long time. believe me. they actually epitomized the energy in the room. just two dudes (maple sap and i an't got a sweet tooth for that!)

and it reminded me of why i started writing. and the hunrgy word loving crew i came up with. it reminded me of b's living room and dining area, before poetic house parties. back then yora was no different then harlem world new york. the renaissance (zora and langston) bleeker st. (baldwin and hansberry) or the black arts movement (sanchez, nikki and elderidge).

it reminded me of why i write.

If this is my last, let it be a prayer,
as in that first day.
when we were formless and empty.
when light was separated from darkness.
earth from water.
substance from pretense.
when you graced purity upon lips
holiness in spirit
and we exhaled your praise.
a burnt offering
placed at our feet
sacrificing all that you knew
to be true.
you removed prose from your soul
as rib from man,
scriptures from the apostles

monday wisdom

... I learned that this, too, is a chasing after the wind. For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief.

Ecclesiastes 1:17-18.

never strive to know anyone better then you know yourself. yet always count on them to be true to themselves, as you, too, shall be true to you.

Everything is exactly the way it should be...

I often wonder how some people can walk away from a life they've always known. Some do it angrily, suggesting that they cannot continue. Can't live with the embarrassment, pain or shame. They simply run, only to run into themselves moments, days, weeks, months, or maybe years later. Others walk away dignified. They do so fearlessly, with grace and class. They look life in the eye and ask "what's next?" Say a simple prayer, "Thy will be done." Inhale deeply. "SNIFFFFF". Exhale exuberantly. "WHOOOOOO." And look forward to the possibilities of all that is possible.

I want to be one of those people.

No I am one of those people.

goodbye....

many thanks

01) i feel lighter, free....
02) jazz, wine, poetry and team-mate/friends.
03) that she is growing into her own. public speaking, well deserved accolades, and job interviews. prayerfully love is on her horizon as well. she deserves it all.
04) incrEBONY. that one word to describe you. Good job acting in the play, I hate you had to be that hussie! (LOL) and you are doing that thing teacher teacha!
05) the board and devotion to a mission. i will give of myself this year, selflessly.
06) a well written, beautifully directed play! you are very talented. and not that you need it, but I am proud you stepped out on YOUR faith, and taught us all a lesson in following our dreams. i am happy to have witnessed your arrival, and can say i was there for the first run!
07) Saturday doing nothing and everything every moment with you.
08) can you SAY ANYTHING!!!!!
09) HIS PROMO! Miss Cellie, he'z da boss now!!!!
10) okay, i can say i witnessed 4 slam champs.... for real.
11) new found love for reading. I HAVE TIME ON THE PLANE!
12) phone calls to my Dad.
13) Good Orderly Direction. keeping it moving.

menu: pan seared tilapia, seafood stuffing, with a beautiful mixture of wax beans, green beans and parisienne carrots. jazz. wine. brown eyes and a smile. a great send off. be back tomorrow.

My Hair....

It was said that the wearer lived a "dread" life or a life in which he feared God, which gave birth to the modern name 'dreadlocks' for this ancient style......

My hair meant, and still means a lot to me. I just needed to make a change in my life. I had begun to make significant changes in my life, all for the better; however, I still lacked the spirituality needed in order to become whole. That idea of G.O.D. fearing has not sunk in. I still believe I can control other people, places and things. I believed that I had forgiven people and forgotten things, I hadn't. I've been better with my tongue, yet I'm not where I want to be. I needed to let some things go. Begin to cleanse my surroundings and the TEMPLE called ME.... Desperately wanting change, and wanting a statement to solidify that change I decided to cut away the last three years of my life. Not wanting to change or forget any of those moments. I want to learn from those years and make better future choices. I made some rather interesting choices and while, things seem okay and going well, I have a few regrets... And for a lack of imagination, I could not wash them out of my hair... Couldn't let go.

I needed to do the unthinkable, the unimaginable. let go and pray. I wanted Cassandra Wilson locks since the day I saw hers, and damn if I wasn't on my way! Yet you have to make sacrifices in order to grow. I want to live up to my potential. I still have my eyes on many prizes. The spiritual, physical and mental.

The hair cut wasn't thought out, I just did it. Now the weight. Putting down the extras that I use to make me "feel" better. Do not allow people, things or substance to fill voids only G.O.D. can fill. Another life lesson.

I love everyone's attention, and acknowledgement of the new do. I want to change, protect me, and set healthy boundaries...

With that being said... no offense, but let's keep our hands to ourselves and out of my hair.

Please...

Another sister and I were talking about it, and I am flattered that it seems, ugh, touchable... Yet, it's kind of like touching my ass... And I would never want you to do that unless we were intimate. Some of you will know what I'm talking about, some of you won't...

But I pray for simple overstanding. I do not want to have to deal with anyone being offended by my request. Or believing they are different.

Okay? This isn't to any one person. It's not directed at anyone. It is a public announcement.

love you all....

Light, Sassy and Grateful... It's only Hair

01. cutting off the last three years, sometimes you have to let go, in order to move forward...

02. remembering that i don't have to take A DAMN THING I DON'T WANT into my ____ year!

03. mike whalen. truly, i pray our friendship is one for the ages! you represent all that I hope to be. honorable, honest, trustworthy, and f'ing adorable.

04. for being that SISTAH... you know, the one you don't believe you are. You are humbly REG'LAR. And I love you for that!

05. for my beige Sister. Yes, I pray we continue to grow together. Thank you for continuing to stretch and grow beyond that cocoon, those trees, those clouds, that horizon.

06. for the Sisters I miss... The Trees. Magnolia and Mahogany.

07. Niecey do that there.

08. For your e-mail, you have always been able to step out of you and do for others. Yes. You already know.

09. For standing firm in my beliefs and convictions. Know what, we got our own thing. NOW WHAT! What!!

10. Say Anything.. Coming Soon..

11. A G.O.D. that is truly patient, loving and kind. You manifest yourself in (my choices, ELM, family and friends) all that is good and orderly, directing my life.

12. a hella writing exercise with hella writers.

13. my Baby.... yes, even though I cut three years, it does not represent us. it represents all that I have to let go, in order for us to move forward (individually and collectively). i pray we continue to walk this path together.

random and grateful

• that i have people in my life i love enough to be disappointed in and with.
• that i'm old enough to recognize when enough is enough.
• while there is no such thing as fair, i work at being firm in what i believe is fair.
• to know that in the end it's about who can piss the longest.
• there is no i in team, but when you want to make it about you, it does become "me, me, me."
• when do you recognize that some friendships no matter how close, will only equal pain.
• and when you recognize it, and know it to be true, when do you walk away.
• thanks G.O.D. i've put on my shoes and know where the door is.
• there will always be words even when there is no stage.
• that i don't have children and i don't have to teach them about poor choices and disappointment.
• that i am not a bitter adult, just a bitter board member, team member, friend and mentor.
• that today, i am letting go of some of the negative energy that plagues me.
• good orderly direction.
• those beautiful brown eyes.
• and friends that don't put me in fck'd up awkward positions to prove points and stroke egos.

THE SLAM SCENE

SUCKS!

For You 6!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JUNE!!!!!!

neo soul sistah!!!

FAMILTRY
(a poet’s family tree)

Nikki promised that life and love would be like cotton candy on a rainy day…the sweet soft essence of possibility never quite maturing….
My cotton candy is drenched with bitterness and sorrow, the sticky residue remains on my hands, a reminder, ensuring
I will always remember the soulful inflection of my inner being and my quest to become the WOMAN that lies deep inside of me.
The blue sky with Ntokake’s rainbow of sassafras, cypress and indigo dancing in Audre’s winds of orisha, are now a distant memory.
My sky, clouds, rainbow, and cool breeze which used to brush softly across my cheeks,
Have disappeared, forcing me inside, to play childish games like chutes and ladders and hide and go seek.
That sky, that brilliant sky, has been replaced with a translucent marble ceiling, fencing and closing me in.
Langston warned that life ain’t no crystal stair, but I was young, believed I knew it all, and just didn’t bother to listen.
I thought about Sonia’s home coming, her knowledge and teachings on how the world views a sister with a strong voice.
(Homegirls and handgrenades, they often called us.)
‘Cuz in love and life a sister’s gotta keep her mouth closed, be happy that she has a man or a job, and no matter what, don’t put up a fuss and don’t dare cuss.
Georgia and I talked about lost illusions, the heart of a woman, and how I wanted to die while he still loved me.
You see, I never wanted to know or experience in my lifetime the day he and I were to declare our love was never meant to be, a simple fantasy….
As Paul’s negro love song played in the background, I understood, in that moment why he could never love me endlessly and completely.
“Herritage” Countee once said. “Contributes to the Loss of Love for a poet.” The words, profound, as black love and respect were destroyed during the boat ride from Africa to slavery.
I am my ancestor’s eyes, but we all have a story to tell, cuz black folk are poets, prophets, lyrist, satirist, creators of lifestyles, prose, and song.
Zora advised me to be proud, stand on the shoulders of the people who came before me, so my eyes would always be watching God. I don’t think her words were wrong.
Gwendolyn and James laughed at my naivety, as we sang a song in the front yard on Beale St. with the rest of the family.
Etheridge smiled, and simply stated, “Baby girl, when you feel you have no one else, you can always come home, sit under the familtry and ponder on the idea of ancestry.

kdtaylor, october 14, 2004

A Cold Piece...

You Sent Me Flying

from the CD FRANK

Lent you outsidaz and my new Badu

while I was thinking you didn't have a clue

tough to sort files with your voice in my head

So then I bribed you downstairs with a malboro red

so now I feel so small discovering you knew

How much more torture would you have put me through?

you probably saw me laughing at all your jokes

or how I did not mind when you stole all my smokes

And although my pride is not easily disturbed

you sent me flying when you kicked me to the kerb

With you battered jeans and your beastie tee

Now I can't work like this with you next to me

And although he is nothing in the scheme of my years

it just serves to blugdeon my futile tears

And I'm not use to this, I observe, I don't chase

So now I'm stuck with consequences, thrust in my face

And the melodramas of my day delivery blows

that surpass your rejection it just goes to show

a simple attraction that reflects right back to me

so I'm not as into you as I appear to be

And although my pride's not easily disturbed

you sent me flying when you kicked me to the kerb

With you battered jeans and your beastie tee

Now I can't work like this with you next to me

His message was brutal but the delivery was kind

maybe if I get this down I'll get it off my mind

It serves to condition me and smoothen mi kinks

despite my frustation for the way that he thinks

and I knew the truth, when it came, would be to that effect

At least you're attracted to me which I did not expect

didn't think you get my number down and such

but I never hated myself for my age so much

And although my pride's not easily disturbed

you sent me flying when you kicked me to the kerb

With you battered jeans and your beastie tee

Now I can't work like this with you next to me

amy winehouse/felix howard

Butterfly....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

MICHELLE DESIREE!!!!!

EVAN!!!!!!

Happy Earth Day Copa-stetic Soul....

april fools

I am not a fan of april fool's day. i made two very important decisions on April 1, both proved to make me the butt of the joke.

• i started a new job (juvenile probation officer): it lasted six months. i did really well, enough for a manager in the Field Office to want to hire me after my 6 months probation. My Boss found out about it and was furious! Despite exemplary reviews at 60 and 180 day review periods, she decided I needed additional time and would not take me off probation. She later said, "she was tired of hiring quality people, and the Field Offices lured them away." The short of it, I quit, after a long administrative process, which would have placed me at a Junior High School near the West Dallas Projects.
• Signed paper work for my House: Ugh, asked my ex Craig to move out less then 8 months later, and well, the rest is history.

So today i will not make any real decisions, as I don't want to be made a fool of.