shameless...

okay would it be shameless to post another picture of the DOG I want? okay, i bet it is... so i won't.

PLEASE A DOLLAR TO ANYONE

Please help me start a campaign for ELM to get me this DOG for XMAS.. or MY BIRTHDAY...

dog gone tired and grateful

It's been a while since I've actually written a grateful list. I have been grateful for so many things lately, despite and in spite.

• G.O.D. - your grace, wisdom and ever growing presence in my daily, not just spiritual life. Yes, i am tragically, human, yet you are keenly aware and show me forgiveness daily.


• memories - every moment in our lives is an opportunity to create memories, i thank G.O.D for memories (all of them).


• DC - yup I'm thankful. learned so much about youth programming. made wonderful connections. and had a lot of fun with two of them - subways, u street, shopping for tennis shoes/jewelry, their performance on the street for the AKA's, eating Ben's famous chili on Friday, listening to them, learning, meeting his friends from home, her vulnerability, his Lupe'ness. meeting sonia sanchez and manual algarin, them signing my book bag, jumping off a bus and seeing marc marcel's beautiful grin, talking and joking with stan lathan, hanging out with swollen ankles, so many more beautiful memories...


• Chillaxing in Madison - yup, looking forward to hanging out with friends, chilling to poetry, and music on the LAKE!! I SEE YOU DK! and because i believe, they believe and i want them to make others' believers.


• my family - a week with my niece and ELM's niece. was fun, funner, and funnier. they made me believe in children and youth again. my sis just goofy. my nephew, the future.


• SAYOM/Funky Mike - bigger and better. thanks for being a patient partner.


• my family that came to me through friendship - especially, the big five. angel.eb.b.chelle.mzj (thank you for getting to know or always knowing my heart.) it means a lot and it doesn't go unnoticed.


• my home - thanks for always being some one i can crawl, cry, hide, scream, and love. (HARD AND DESPERATE) it will never be the four walls or the things we accumulate together. it will always be the brown of your eyes and your smile that shelter and comfort me most!


• my new lap top. thanks for looking out, both of you. i don;t know anything about vista, but i love everything else.


• conversations - i've listened, read, heard and listened again. gotcha.


• letting go - i cannot change to accommodate anyone, nor do i expect anyone to change to accommodate me. i've been practicing letting go and letting g.o.d. baby steps.


• my new mantra: i respect your do, respect my done. t-shirt coming soon.


• knowing grudges and anger are much to heavy to carry. i want to walk with my head tall, and the only way to do it is to drop burdens that are not mine to carry.


• COPA/MO see you next week.


• an unexpected call from a tree! damn girl i've missed you.

GO SHORTY!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY STINK!!

STACYE L GAFFORD-GREENE

my younger sis!

my thursday night with a 10 and 11 yr. old

hobby lobby for messenger bags and paints and iron ons to decorate them wing stop austin park and pizza h.e.b. for ice cream creation of the most beautiful bags outside of paris. it was goofy hat night. we took pictures. i made a fool of myself, they laughed.

truly they were the poetry i needed most.

wednesday...

god...
i've made mistakes. i've done what is asked. or at least i've worked diligently to be the best me. it may not be what others want, see or understand. i thank you for those who truly understand and love me and my flaws..

i am grateful to be me.
i am grateful for the love in my life.
i am grateful for the mistakes i've made
i am grateful for the lessons i've learned
i am grateful for the opportunity to learn

i don't know how to deal with loss.
i don't know how to deal with grief.
it reminds me of the love and life i once had.
i am grateful for that time and those people.
g.o.d. i miss them and remembering doesn't make my loss any easier
i still hurt, and am sad
i am grateful to know these things about me.

i miss those things that are so familiar that i don't have to think.
i am grateful for once having that space in my life.

i disappoint, i am selflessly, selfishly human.

i am grateful for knowing that about my self.

thanks for the breaths g.o.d. i will try not to waste them

congrats to the poets who won..

DC HIGHLIGhTS

my grand used to say..

some kids would be happy to wear that outfit ( A DRESS with PURSE UGH!), go out of town to visit their family (the cousin with no cable in the country!), family time this friday (gonna miss terry's party), eat vegetables in a restaurant (spinach), be home by mid-night (gonna miss the party after the game). you can't go over there, i don't know her mother (u make me sick) call me when you get there (dang, nobody else has to call.) her favorite line, there's nothing out there open but legs and bars. you can't get into a bar and you better not be...

i had a chance to think about it. last week was one of the most disappointing times of my life with young people.

i will not nor will i encourage any of my friends to donate ANY MORE time or money to the CURRENT 2008 U21 team. i watched my money and time, as well as a close friend's money go to waste on disrespectful, ungrateful children with a poor sense of entitlement. to think they squandered an opportunity to truly represent the the city of Austin, themselves, their parents, The Organization, Shannon's name and memory.

it's not so much about the time penalty or the scores... i was okay with not going to semis and finals. (i mean from every one's mouth it was about the love.) ironic, there was no love or consideration given to the people who worked their ass off to get them there. the people who worked their ass off to keep them safe. or the sacrifices made to get them there. DESPITE our own level of discomfort, grief and pain, we sucked it up and said the show must go on. i did not want to go (nor did a few others), but i had to step out of myself to allow the kids this opportunity.

there will be some who believe it wasn't that bad. people over reacted. guess what, you can say that, it's your value system. but in mine, in my little world. Adults don't curse kids. Kids don't curse adults. Kids don't disrespect adults. Kids follow the rules of the ORGANIZATION THAT PAID FOR THE TRIP! No f'ing one way tickets so we can send you HOME WHEN YOU ARE DISRESPECTFUL... See in my world YOUR PARENTS HAVE TO NOT ONLY PAY YOUR WAY IN LIFE, BUT LIVE AND DEAL WITH YOU. I DON'T. i should have never, (nor should anyone else) have to plea with anyone to follow the f'ing rules and stay with the group. i mean you read the lines in the first paragraph, my grand wasn't playing.

so when i promised four parents I would take care of their children as i would take care of my own. i wasn't playing. not on my watch. no weed smoking. no drinking.. no screwing. do that when you get back home. and sorry, call me old fashioned, i always want to know where children under my supervision are, especially in a city i know nothing about, even if they are 18 or 19.

in retrospect the idea of not sending a team, was hella better than what happened in DC. for real. AGAIN this in my opinion. i operate under a totally different system. i don't know anyone else's system and if it works for you work it. just not on my watch. i pray that the revamping of U21 organizational rules and the Board will quickly put this incident behind us and set a stage for next year's team to flourish...

Thank G.O.D. WE are NOT GOING TO QUIT because we know there are some kids out there who are willing to eat the FCKING VEGETABLES!

MOM

Happy Birthday..

MARY ELIZABETH TAYLOR

America, WHY????

Every time we think we may be able to forgive your dumb ass, you pull a Jim Carey and become DUMBER AND DUMBER!!!!

It's three o'clock

and she's having conversations with herself that she doesn't want to have.
refused to have.
afraid to wake the demons lurking in the shadows of her prayers,
and the forestry of her conscious....

i suffer from the black woman superhuman syndrome. believing i can handle everything. believing i am superhuman, often avoiding those internal triggers that tells the average person, 'you're taking on too, too, much."

a series of events, most recent the tragic loss of a young woman who i admired immensely. forced me to take a look at my mortality, and that of those around me. then of course, i got in my way. and began to worry...

it took me to a dark place. not as dark as some. but it was pretty dark. and i began to think of how we take care of ourselves, our mental health. in our community we do not seek assistance, we self diagnosis, ignore and continue to move forward as if...

and i realized, i couldn't. not because i wanted to hold onto the pain. nor was i comfortable in my fear. and believe me, i've been very fearful these day. i just realized, man, "i'm f'ing tired." and i realized something else. the void. the spiritual void that has ever increased as i have chased dollars, cars, homes, friends, relationships, you name it. i've chased it. believing with each trinket i would find more happiness. not really believing it lies deep within me.

and i remembered what my great grand and grand used to say. he will never give us anything we can't carry. and we never really carry the load ourselves. remember those footsteps in the sand? so i stepped back, took a deep breath, prayed and asked for help.

dang.. i am beginning to feel better. breathe. let go. let G.O.D.

Outspoken, balanced and knowledgeable... If you were a StrangeLittleGirl, you would be....
Real Men.
You are the type of person who appreciates the balance of yin and yang, anima and animus. You embrace these elements of yourself freely and equally. Your life is about balance, about finding the perfect middle ground and harmonious state. You are also a very outspoken person, and you use your knowledge to educate others and try and make a difference in the world. You particularly dislike labels and stereotypes, preferring to think of people as fluid on all levels, personality and sexuality included. You're a strong, passionate person.
"And so it goes, go round again...."

Until we meet again...

moment of silence and rememberance...

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun..W.H. Auden

This is a snippet of the inscription left in the chap book, Fuck Me Human. I purchased the book because I was so proud of her. And I had to have a small piece , a token of her meteoric rise as a woman and a touring poet. She was the first "U-21 poet" I'd seen. I mean, I've seen kids do the recitations, but she was the one! A beast, and I believe she was only 15. She was competing at Ego's, and if I remember correctly Love gave me a little nudge, like watch this. She was performing "The Current State of Hip Hop". I don"t remember the score, I don't know if she won. I just remember sitting in awe. At the time, I was sitting next to her Mom and Ron. I vaguely remember the look on Shelia's face, but I do remember the air of love and pride that filled the air as Shannon performed. Unbeknown to me, I would begin a friendship with the Young Talented Poet and her Mother. Shelia, graciously allowed me to be her "Baby's Mama". She also, along with Ron allowed me to participate on some levels with her other baby, The Under 21 Slam Team. I can almost remember every year Shannon competed. I say almost, because today is a whir and a blur....

Yesterday when I received the news, I went into a panic looking for this chap book. I remember looking at it, and asking someone if they either wanted it or wanted to read it, as I was SURE I'D GET A CHANCE TO BUY ANOTHER ONE. I thought maybe I placed it somewhere in my desk as I recalled a co-worker saw the title, and I didn't want to get into trouble. Then I remembered the inscription and I decided to keep it, or so I believed. As I drove home, I immediately begin to try to pull myself out of the indifference and indescribable feelings I had at the moment. You now how every emotion you have kind of lingers in the back of your head and stops? Makes your head ache rather dully? And you can't decide if you want to scream, curse or cry? So you just feel anxious and panicked? Well that's how I've felt for over a week. I begin to question. Not G.O.D., just question... and I pray.

Then I teared a bit. Then I got home and I cried in my ELM's arms. Then I remembered the dvd Shelia brought me back from Seattle. And I felt better. But not good enough, because I needed that chap book. I stood still, long enough to listen. And I found it.

Then I relived, as long as my mind would allow me to focus, our last moments together. And I was happy to have known her, been a small part of her life...

Village, I ask of you to accept Shannon as one of us. She is stubbornly strong, but she has an infectious smile and wit. She's a thinker and a talker, very easy to love. I know I don't have to ask anything of you. I know that you've already reached out to her. Just let her know she's missed..

on my mind

thinking of you, still praying.

shannon....

tonight tongues tie in solidarity
captivating the moments moments notice
the silence creeping in the loins of our fear.
utterances refuse to slip past lips.
a declaration.
bitter defiance
standing against the winds
rushing through and to your lungs,
escaping death not yet dying
or vying for freedom.
breathe.
breathe for me.

breathe with me.
we pray our gasps

push past the semblance of solace
and the flirtatious flutter
of an angel’s wing.
they are not yet ready for you.
we are not yet ready to let you go.
so sleep in southern comforted slumber,
hotlantic heat’s perspiration
fills and stills the air
as momma brushes hair
and stares.
gazes back to future
moments moments notice
our tears thrushing
pumping blood

and life

to

and

through you.

breathe.

breathe for me.

to be continued...

Shannon Leigh: an incredible woman and poet - send prayers

new poem

(inspired by a conversation I had in Cambridge with the fantastic Jme)

For the people planning to picket Heath Ledger's funeral
because he did Brokeback Mountain

Christ, what have they done to your hands
they have filled them with placards
and sewn up your tendons with cotton

I remember you used to bleed.
This is not my Calvary, the M-4
in your arms held stiffly with broken shoulder arched
this is not my cross, at its foot I
don't remember those small skulls
listen closely. They have fed
your starving with salt and sulfur
AIDS and typhoid your birthplace
is the grave of some woman or some
small child and they say this
is righteousness.

A child stuck with needles rubbed with cocaine
and fucked by her mother's man a woman
cut out of herself, her dark dreams
spread open and excised, in India
white women pay the poor to carry their children
this is the world
for which you died that
sacrificial offering that paved
these bloodrun streets
your sons are holding makeshift grenades
and bringing knives into grade schools
your daughters are bleeding out
in crowded waiting rooms and God,
what have they done to your words

they are tattered, buried in shrouds of silver this
is not my God

who was a man
who did no great thing but speak
to the poor and outcast and then die
raging at the fate he wished
he knew, he had
skin then
bright fire-eyes and open hands
scar-dotted and waiting
born of an unmarried woman who said to save herself
that she was holy
and made him believe, those hands
are not signposts
that cross is not a billboard with a picture
of a baby that blood
is only blood like ours, Christ

what have we done to you
you simple country carpenter you
perfectly timed suicide you lover
of the blasphemous listen closely:
don't come back.

We will see your feet and call you beggar
we will feed you with the fat
the rich discard and your teeth will rot away you
will be denied shelter and we will not care
even enough
to kill you

you will always deserve it. You will be
freak, john, junkie, you will catch lice from shelter pillows
and we will call you bum
the refugee camps will have no room for you the buses
will not stop and street miracles
will not even get you airtime

don't come back

when you hug men you will be called
faggot when we hear you preach
we will call you Jew at least that
has not changed and when
we come for you, there will be no trial
only an ambulance
restraints and syringes. Slowly

you will forget you are God
and write mad poetry on your skin
with felt-tip pens the nurses
will call you quiet and we will never
remember your name.

I remember you bled once
and I was too young to believe it was for me

do you still remember wood
beneath your palms, do you still
love the starving and the lame
or do you wish for a lesser death
wondering how we can possibly believe
this has all been for you
if you open up your hands
will you be home again

don't wait for us.

You've already seen what we
think of your
forgiveness.


shannon leigh (sometime in january 2008. posted on 01.26.08 her myspace page)

Nobe Not-yet (Kobe Bryant)

CHUMP!!!!!!!!!

"My head's hurting from always being right!".. Denali Guy . AND, "Kobe's a PUNK" I said that.

Let's BRING IT BACK TO THE EAST!!!!! You know I love New England, so it's natural I would go for the Celtics. I can't stand Nobe Bryant's punk AZZ, he's the BIGGEST REASON I AM NO LONGER A (f)LAKER FAN... I would have never gone for the East if the Spurs had won.

I've been grateful Lately....

I don't have a list.... I fell into my house and onto my sofa for the last time on Saturday night. I needed space and the familiar. The last six weeks have been exhausting, and I cannot say I've made it to the other side unscathed or bruised.

I have hurt and been hurt by two of the things I love most. Poetry and people.

Saturday came at the tail end of three of the hottest poetry nights I've experienced in a long time. The Neo Soul Anniversary. The Neo Soul Kevin Sandbloom performance this past Thursday. The Under 21 Slam. I cannot say that ANY OF THESE MOMENTOUS MOMENTS made the idea of poetry, let alone the writing/reciting of poetry any sweeter.

I committed to a Board that in the end will actually say I didn't do much to help. I am partially satisfied with that. My accomplishments and contributions will be minimized. (A hot ass 11 year old dj, his father who graciously taped the show and will edit it for sales to assist the U21 Organization (did I mention for free?), countless hours of hosting all the shows for the last two years without asking for a dime, attending Board Meetings (did I mention I didn't miss ANY OF THEM?), and possibly 1000.00 worth of in-kind donations which will probably not be used. I gave up a position on the Slam Team with my best friend, a young man I view as a son, and a Woman who is increasingly becoming a confidant and friend in order to "not appear biased" to continue to serve on a Board I committed to and in the end I will be viewed as .... well you know.... And while I was not responsible for the crowd that attended the event, I am ARGUABLY THE BEST FCKING HOST IN AUSTIN (which alone is an added benefit and I provided an added twist the YOUTH DJ. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just a bit disappointed and bewildered that in my effort to become a better person, I failed to recognize that people will always do what's in their best interest. I'm not bashing either. Because again, everyone does what's in their best interest. And this is in mine.

And yes, I sacrificed myself and my integrity at times to right a wrong. It wasn't cool for me to say I was on a Team I quit and never seriously considered being on again. It wasn't cool to continue to challenge the Board regarding my own value conflict. It wasn't cool to create rules as we went as a Board. It wasn't cool to try to prevent opportunities we said we wanted to create. And in the f'ing end what I said held f'ing true. "How can you guarantee that anyone is going to make the team? Let's deal with it then." And yes, I ran interference. I wasn't true to them which meant I had to quit. As it was put to me, just because you didn't vote for Bush doesn't mean that while he's in office you're not an American. While I didn't argue it then because I didn't wish to be any more argumentative and hostile in that moment; I would have said, "It doesn't mean that I have to act like the American that put the mofo in office either."

And it doesn't mean I supported the other stuff to make sure "things happened" in a certain way. I was f'ing confused. This being a selfless person can put you in a bind. I compromised who I am during the process and I didn't realize how much I internalized the bullshit that wasn't mine until I walked toward my car daze like at the end of the youth slam.

I don't blame anyone. Blame is not an issue. Honesty was, and still is the issue for me. And i wasn't honest to the person who meant the most. ME. I would like to go on record saying I wasn't true to any one person, as much as I tried to be true to me. And in the end, I lied to myself in order to go on.

So what I am most grateful for is the patience that G.O.D. granted to me through others during my confusion. I also would like to thank that same good orderly direction for lessons I learned throughout this process.