Grandmother and some other thoughts...

I am not sure if it's fatigue or what...

Most know I lost the last matron of my village, my Grand, suddenly, without cause or warning to a massive stroke on 09.11.04. The years following, were in fact, very painful; compelling me, in many ways, to abandon most lessons I learned from her and the fine women who have contributed to my growth. I learned a lot from my grand, who, three of her five children proceeded her in death. Each a little more painful, scarring, and scaring her determination and resolve, vowing not to allow her grandchildren and great grandchildren to follow their self destructive paths. She was tough. She was relentless. She was a warrior. And I must learn to pray for her courage and strength daily.

Perhaps I've conjured her in words or deeds. Not sure. Last night she came to me in a dream. I remember bits and pieces of the dream.

- she seemingly on her death bed. there were bits and pieces of crumpled paper with written poems and stories on a nightstand. she explaining to me about life, and all it's wonder. her telling me something specifically about my heart and the right way to live. then she disappears suddenly one morning. i return to the hospital to see her and she is no where to be found. i remember the nurse saying she was around the corner down stairs with my aunt and cousin. i assumed it was the morgue. but the aunt and cousin the nurse was speaking of were not dead. i remember being very angry. the hospital turns into a hotel of some sort. the nurse gives me a key, with a little box (i think). she said it belonged to my grand and she wanted me to have it. i go out to the parking lot and sit in my car. i am crying, but i don't have the strength or the courage to make it across the parking lot to where she stated grand had been taken. i do however, make my way back into the hospital/hotel, trying to figure out where to park either a motorcycle or a bike. my division manager (YES MY DIVISION MANAGER FROM WORK!) is sitting in his car watching me, as i search for a spot to park my bike. i enter the hospital/hotel a man is exiting elevator doors with his bike and i wonder, out loud, why didn't i bring my bike inside. i go up to my grandmother's room and then... BLANK! NOTHING. NADA. I CAN'T REMEMBER A THING AFTER THAT!

I spoke to that Aunt a week ago. I asked about her son, a cousin who grew up with me as a brother. He has had his own life troubles, but haven't we all. I asked about my other aunt, whom I haven't spoken to since a few days after the funeral. Let's say our last words weren't very friendly! The woman who hasn't had a real job since they invented the word had the unmitigated gall to take all the pictures of my mom stating she would make copies and give them to us. I mean, my sister and I could care less about anything other than those items that gave us a hint or a glimpse of our mother. My grandmother held the key to our mother's photos and other memorabilia and greedy ass aunt took that away from us. So I asked about her out of nothing but respect. My Aunt knew this so she stated I needed to forgive the other one. I can't. That's where I am today. So, I'm thinking perhaps my Grand wants me to forgive her as well. i don't know. The dream has spooked the hell out of me. I've had only one dream that I can really remember about my mother. That too spooked the hell out of me. However, my dreams about my great grand and my favorite aunt don't. I don't know why.

How do you know the changes you've made in your life are the best ones? The choices I've made in the last year:

• eliminating needy people from my life,
• people who aren't the best for me, nor me the best for them,
• minding my own business,
• creating life long friendships as opposed to temporary ones to escape my own pain; and
• just eliminating a lot of the crap I built to escape the hurt and pain from my loss.

These have worked well. I am very happy in the skin I'm in. Happier in my inner personal relationships, as well as my job in all it's dysfunction on it's worst day. I am truly loving my home and what we are building. Perhaps I was missing my Grand. Perhaps there is some message that has been encoded in my brain to be released at just the right moment on the right day. May I was tired. Maybe I was getting past another obstacle in accepting that she's no longer here with me. And I still miss her dearly. and I miss her lessons, her laughter, her smile, her urgings, her love, that was ever present in it's very special way... I don't know.. But I'm hoping if there is a heaven, that's she's there cooking and laughing, looking down on her oldest grand daughter.....

Grand.. I love you..