White Balloons

white balloons mistaken for clouds float
drift on thin air to explode
bursting into confetti streams of idealism
it's all a facade and I fall
I fall from alternate reality
to bitter consciousness
into perpetual dream - state
and wonder
life before birth
death after birth
last night I dreamt I died
I drowned in muddy waters filled with
teardrops my pillow could no longer contain
and perspiration which could no longer shield my pain
I suffocated on the bland reality of my existence...
and if the shell I call flesh has been successfully deceptive
in this lifetime I was an ant
my life was stomped out of me
a karmic vision.
my last breath sucked from my soul
caught in a vacuum
like that from my womb.
I exist only in memories and dreams in shades of gray
colorless, except for the bloodstains
we walk foothill path separately,
together
my grand and I.
together, separately in thought.
she says she met great grand twin sons
at crooked fork in road.
she asks, "why?"
I, heavy tongued could only ponder.
did not want to answer,
Could only say
I don't have the love to carry my lifetime's weight.
nightly, I die to shed the pain of rejection.
isolation steals happiness that hides in the corner of my mind
I pray for nightfall because sleep always comes on time.
the shadows are the only lovers I know.
I seek refuge in the arms of silhouettes.
Find comfort in the haunting imprints that remain long after you're gone.
the sun's rays chill and freeze an already embittered heart.
I have nothing to give to myself
what I give to others is never enough.
I am a vessel thru which much flows, but I remain empty.
nightly, I die in hopes to shed this fleshy shell
and be reborn,
reincarnated
but the heart remains always taunting me.
I cannot escape exhausted eyes
which seek no resolution
only avoidance of pain and loss
my arms reach for the unattainable
in life they are always too short
not swift enough to embrace reality
so I pray for the darkness in silence
the stillness of being alone
in black and white dreams I am lifeless
weightless,
no gravitational pull to the womb
I am colorless
disconnected.
disassociated.
each dawn my destiny manifested
in the vacuum of a white balloon
mistaken for clouds.
there I hide
floaing on thin air
bursting
exploding
falling
to dawn...

ktaylor 2006