Life Would Be Great If It Weren't For The............

Didn't post yesterday. Torn between something beautiful and a rant. I needed to reflect and ponder, so I chose neither.
Often we are asked if we care about what another thinks of us. We are taught first impressions are lasting ones, let your deeds speak for you, keeping up appearances, etc. anything that "shows" another person who you are. I have never really cared what people thought of me, only how easy or difficult they could make my life based on their beliefs. So, no, I don't always make good impressions. Doesn't mean I don't try when I'm thinking about it. Sometimes I talk too much, others too little. At least two of the people who would describe me as their least favorite person in hell have " forgotten" the numerous good things I have done for them. So much for deeds. Truth of the matter is I would rather walk out of the house in flip flops/converse tennis shoes, an overpriced t-shirt, equally overpriced baggy jeans and jean jacket (despite my upbringing). I drive a 1984 volkswagen rabbit, as I am only interested in where the car will take me. People have talked about the car, less about the way I dress (thank goodness). Have tried to spend my monthly wages, "she has a good job and makes enough money to get a better car... well you know she lives by herself, has a mortgage....but she has a good job, though.." They probably don't mean anything by it, I think it's just people. We have to talk. And I am by no means living in a glass house, I have had my share of words. I just try not to be as viscous. I ask questions and when I do speak up, it's bluntly honest based on my opinions and experiences. That's the only place I know to come from.
I'm angry, not because it's my true feeling, but because I'd rather be there than the delusion and disappointment that is currently weighing me down. Langston says one of my biggest problems is that I believe people will act the way I would in various circumstances, I have unspoken rules of life. That, often, the root of my hurt is I believe people will act as I do. The way I see it is people are selfish and self seeking in nature. It's true, it's written in the Bible. Actually, the bible refers to man as "the intent of a man's heart is evil from his youth...." I don't refer to people as evil. Yet some would say I was....
Cases in Point:
a poet person whom i still care about, but had to seperate myself from because they were just too damn heavy. well, he's blaming me for only performing once during the weekend showcase.
- it was for charity, it was about the family not about you. how fcking selfish and egotistical are you?
- i wanted everyone to perform ONLY ONCE as not to have to deal with the selfish, egotistical bs in the first place. i wanted to be fair, even though it ONLY exists in it's truest form in the fcking dictionary.
- there was an initial list for 6, count it SIX poets to perform twice. Between two people you were not chosen. i didn't change the format or my mind, i was also out-voted!
- and NO i'm not jealous that we both finished 5th, (or did you finish 6th? that's how much I care) for slam team finals IN TWO DIFFERENT CITIES, and you lucked up and moved ahead because TWO people from that slam team went to another team. Get a fcking LIFE. And think about it, when have you ever finished ahead of me when we were in the same slam? Get a fcking LIFE.
- lastly, i could go on but.... get off the cross already, jesus ALREADY died for our sins, he did a good job, everyone's still taking about it, your's pales in comparison. get a new act and stop blaming everybody and being angry because you believe they're "Hatin'" ! Please.... Maybe if you shut the fck up you'd hear a compliment or two.
my life, is a bit uncomfortable 'cuz i got to hear about the shyt. hell, if i had the power you gave me........ oh my gosh the things i'd do with the blink of an eye.... and funny, even then you wouldn't be impacted cuz you never cross my mind... except of course incidents like this.....
some others bs....
- because i have what most believe to be a big mouth (speaking what's on my mind) most are quick to repeat what i say..... ask me, it's been proven i have no problem repeating it. the problem is the sneaky people who bring you this bs are trying to tell YOU SOMETHING.... searching for their own answers.. making a sly point... think about it, why would anyone go out of there way to hurt your feelings?MEANING THEY HAVE A HIDDEN AGENDA!!! no blind or mute jokes, to make my point... but were there three or four blind mice? people see what they want. it's never my job to snatch pink tinted glasses from those who want to see the little PRETTIES, or steal candy from babies...
- i am really not mean. i only say what's on my mind. sometimes, i can sugar coat it, sometimes i can't.
- i stay away from you and the nonsense, well, cuz i just don't have the energy. do you know how hard it is to carry my weight, let alone carry your big ass all day? and you can weight he size of an ant, but if i have to carry you too long, your ass also becomes big!!
- if you trust me, then you can trust me. i work at not betraying your trust, even on those rare occasions when it impacts me. or you have to talk badly about me to sell your own tired ass.... believe me, i have been the fcking bad person for a lot of BAD PEOPLE and never opened my mouth.....
- how can some one who hardly talks to ANYONE on the scene aside from Wednesday nights get so much attention.
and to those who just don't understand....
- there are laws in the continental united states for your behavior.
- when a person says they don't want you, it's not a game. they don't want you.
......i aint't no motherfcking rockstar so i don't want no got damn groupies.....