I am not good at these things...

Never have been...

I am not sure where to start.

Everyone I've ever believed truly loved me no longer walks upon the Earth. No! I am not a martyr.

I have never been able to foster and develop the most important relationship in a child's life outside of one with the creator. One with my mother...

NOT AN EXCUSe...

My REALiTY.

For that reason, it is difficult for me to connect with another human being... I LONG FOR intimate relationships (platonic and romantic).. Yet I struggle... How do I know how to love unconditionally when the blue print or the how to guide in my DNA remains neatly folded tucked away in my mind's heart...

Everyone else I believed TRULY loved me died before I was 11. My Great Grand was the last one.... I had glimpses in a favorite Aunt who passed away days before I was to return home for my HS reunion....

My Grand was a difficult woman. I believed I spent most of my life trying to make her proud or show a sign that she genuinely loved me... I mean I know she loved me, it's just... well...

This is not some no one loved me as a kid stuff.... I was loved... yet

My adult significant other relationships have been based upon my relationship with my Grand. Which means I have spent my life loving someone more than they loved me. Trying to make them love me which often led to relationships which failed miserably... Each of them reeked of my Grand. They were also plagued with my dysfunction and disconnect...

YOU... make me want to connect on so many levels... YOU.. are my great grand's love. YOU.. are my mother's love...

AND I AM SO AFRAID.....

How do I make this work in the absence of fear and dysfunction?

YOU love me and I know it. I feel it in every breath that fills my lungs.... And while I will attempt to minimize and downplay my feeling for you in a crowded room of strangers and people I'm really... not trying to impress....

I LOVE YOU!!! And I don't know what's so friggin hard about that....

I love you.... And I won't squander another day trying to suppress my feeling out of fear. and routine. and friggin laziness...

i love you... and i will never deny the depth of that love to anyone ever again....