A switch

reading my coffee cup

the way I see it #279

"Beware of turning into the enemy you most fear. All it takes is to lash out violently at someone who has done you some grievous harm, proclaiming that only your pain matters in this world. More than against that person's body, you will then, at that moment, be committing a crime against your own imagination."

I got a call, actually several stalking like calls from an ex a couple of weeks ago. One could only imagine loving someone deeply only to have that love fade into disdain. To say hate would be strong. Let's just say, I learned later in life what we shared was not love in an adult sense. That actually, in the seven years we were in relationship, we made the shift from lovers to luvemies (lovers you love to hate). So to hear the voice only the other end of the line, sent eerie chills down my spine.

When I finally answered the phone, I said things that were cruel. And I can be pretty dang cruel. I meant every one of those things. I had grown way past polite many years ago when we departed. I mean, how many times can you break up with someone? At the time of our breakup, C (not Craig) caused me a great deal of pain. I had met Craig by now and was relatively happy in the semi dating phase with him. Initially, like most, I believed we could be friends. I never want to lose touch with someone I shared so much of my life with. Later, all I wanted was to part ways and fade desperately into oblivion. After I refused to contemplate a reconciliation, I received threatening phone calls at my home and place of employment. The places I frequented were invaded in an effort to "run into me". Any potential relationship I thought about entering into was quickly diminished as I was slandered in an effort to shame me back into our old circle of friends, patterns and relationship. Anyone who has ever had a horrific break-up would simply understand how I felt when I heard this, this person, this voice on the other end of my phone, oddly enough, wanting to be..... friends.

Then something else happened. I became of victim of frienvy. You know, a friend wanting what you have. I was pretty perturbed and angry about that. But the problem was we "really weren't friends anymore." I'm no so co-dependent and childish that we have to talk everyday. I have friends I speak to monthly, and we know almost everything going on in each others lives. But to call when you want something, when you need a hook-up/favor, when some thing's going wrong in your life, when you want to bum rush my plans with my friends, doesn't constitute friendship. I mean this person had grown, not into an enemy, but a frenemy. She walked that fine line, so the frienvy moment was the defining one.

Then, I was reminded of how loose some lips are... Don't believe what you hear and definitely be cautious of what you see. It's all deceiving. If it's not your life or your truth, don't repeat it. Another frenemy that would swear we were Fam.

And it went on and on and on....

But you know what I did. I turned off that switch. I turned off the "people are out to get you switch", and turned on the "live and let live switch".

I mean, it's so much more positive to see these things as:
Someone who once loved you is reaching out to you. You don't have to reach back.
Imitation can sometimes be the greatest form of flattery.
Wow, I am important and powerful. Talking about my minuscule problems frees others from the mundane obscurity of their own simple lives.

What a difference that switch makes! Because I have been that enemy that I most fear. And damn, I don't want that for myself, my family or my friends.

So today, I'm turning on that switch for me and asking all my friends to do so as well.

If you were closer, I'd hug you. I swear.