Ordinarily today would be my grateful list; however, I am filled with something... Something I believe we all could learn from...
Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today...... When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation unacceptable to me. Perhaps the best thing of all for me to remember is that my expectations are inversely proportional to my serenity. The higher my expectations of others are, the lower my serenity. I can watch my serenity level rise when I discard my expectations. But then my "rights" try to move in, and they too can force my serenity level down. I have to discard my "rights" as well as my expectations by asking myself "How important is it really?" The Big Book Online Fourth Edition, Acceptance Was the Answer.
The text goes on to discuss "Keeping my mind on acceptance and off my expectations, for my serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance." And lately, I've had difficulty accepting things, especially those things I believe I have the power to change. I have made myself believe that manipulation, kindness, anger, threats, gossip, love; even this blog would make people do what I want. Some people believe placing their hands on others in the form of violence will actually make someone do what they want. It doesn't. And often we are left angered, disappointed and hurt. More so, we believe thier unwillingness to change the "offensive/unwanted" behavior is direct attack against us. It isn't. It's just people being themselves. We are taught to be kind, but not door-mats. Anything socially above or below is deemed odd or deviant. Think about it when someone is too nice, we always ask what's the catch? What do you want? Right?
We are selfish and self seeking. It is in our nature. It isn't anything negative, however, we are taught that it is so. We never believe that acting in someone else's interest is against our nature. A perfect example is a person who stays in a marriage for the kids or stays in a relationship longer because they don't want to hurt the other person. It doesn't last odes it? You know why? Because it isn't natural to abandon your wants for someone else's. PERIOD. We can be thoughtful, respectful; often anything more is against our true nature. So no matter how much we think someone is doing something to and against us, they are really doing something for them self. When I am cut off on the road, the other driver is simply trying to go on their way, not block my way. And it is pretty damn arrogant of me (and I have been arrogant) to believe that the driver got up this morning just to cut me off. Mind you racing up to flicking him off and engaging in other "controlling behavior" is allowing your rights or expectations to get in the way. I mean "How dare he! I'll show him." You can discern which (rights or expectations) elicit the behavior.
The same thing is happening in my life, and with a few of my friends. I shared this with one, prolly more for me then the friend. Because I have had a problem with my expectations. An acquaintance recently purchased a car like mine. How do you go the Volkswagen lot looking for an Acura? Especially since that what you wanted, Baller. (Opps my rights kicked in.) She did not want a Volkswagen, by her own admission. But she drove off the lot with an older darker model then mine. Didn't give them my name so I could get my little referral fee. (Opps my expectations kicked in!) Initially I was furious, and those who know me, know how well my rights and expectations manifested themselves. Proudly, I didn't call the acquaintance. Truthfully, I don’t know why she bought the car, and I really don't care, anymore. I lost a full day complaining, thinking, and rationalizing her behavior. For example, you don't go buy another woman's shoes, clothes and purse to wear them around her. Why would you copy a major purchase? Anyway, you get the jest. At the end of the day, she was prolly just trying to get a good, reliable nice looking car (which it is). And this is only one area where acceptance of situations/people I can't change or control and it is driving me f'ing nuts.
I just hope that you are able to find some solace and hope in these words. Really. I applied this simple thing to my last relationship. It was prolly the healthiest relationship in regards to communication I've had in my entire life.
We separated our rights, unrealistic expectations, unspoken expectations, negotiations, and commitments. And when we were angry, upset or bothered we simply asked each other which is it you're most angry or upset about? And often we became angry about everything except: negotiations and commitments. Because we knew...
The anger was all about the expectations and rights. I'm working on abandoning them, as I follow a shared motto of not taking _______ into my ______ year!
So I'm learning to expect nothing and pray for everything (that I can handle of course...)
If you were closer I'd hug you. I promise.
Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today...... When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation unacceptable to me. Perhaps the best thing of all for me to remember is that my expectations are inversely proportional to my serenity. The higher my expectations of others are, the lower my serenity. I can watch my serenity level rise when I discard my expectations. But then my "rights" try to move in, and they too can force my serenity level down. I have to discard my "rights" as well as my expectations by asking myself "How important is it really?" The Big Book Online Fourth Edition, Acceptance Was the Answer.
The text goes on to discuss "Keeping my mind on acceptance and off my expectations, for my serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance." And lately, I've had difficulty accepting things, especially those things I believe I have the power to change. I have made myself believe that manipulation, kindness, anger, threats, gossip, love; even this blog would make people do what I want. Some people believe placing their hands on others in the form of violence will actually make someone do what they want. It doesn't. And often we are left angered, disappointed and hurt. More so, we believe thier unwillingness to change the "offensive/unwanted" behavior is direct attack against us. It isn't. It's just people being themselves. We are taught to be kind, but not door-mats. Anything socially above or below is deemed odd or deviant. Think about it when someone is too nice, we always ask what's the catch? What do you want? Right?
We are selfish and self seeking. It is in our nature. It isn't anything negative, however, we are taught that it is so. We never believe that acting in someone else's interest is against our nature. A perfect example is a person who stays in a marriage for the kids or stays in a relationship longer because they don't want to hurt the other person. It doesn't last odes it? You know why? Because it isn't natural to abandon your wants for someone else's. PERIOD. We can be thoughtful, respectful; often anything more is against our true nature. So no matter how much we think someone is doing something to and against us, they are really doing something for them self. When I am cut off on the road, the other driver is simply trying to go on their way, not block my way. And it is pretty damn arrogant of me (and I have been arrogant) to believe that the driver got up this morning just to cut me off. Mind you racing up to flicking him off and engaging in other "controlling behavior" is allowing your rights or expectations to get in the way. I mean "How dare he! I'll show him." You can discern which (rights or expectations) elicit the behavior.
The same thing is happening in my life, and with a few of my friends. I shared this with one, prolly more for me then the friend. Because I have had a problem with my expectations. An acquaintance recently purchased a car like mine. How do you go the Volkswagen lot looking for an Acura? Especially since that what you wanted, Baller. (Opps my rights kicked in.) She did not want a Volkswagen, by her own admission. But she drove off the lot with an older darker model then mine. Didn't give them my name so I could get my little referral fee. (Opps my expectations kicked in!) Initially I was furious, and those who know me, know how well my rights and expectations manifested themselves. Proudly, I didn't call the acquaintance. Truthfully, I don’t know why she bought the car, and I really don't care, anymore. I lost a full day complaining, thinking, and rationalizing her behavior. For example, you don't go buy another woman's shoes, clothes and purse to wear them around her. Why would you copy a major purchase? Anyway, you get the jest. At the end of the day, she was prolly just trying to get a good, reliable nice looking car (which it is). And this is only one area where acceptance of situations/people I can't change or control and it is driving me f'ing nuts.
I just hope that you are able to find some solace and hope in these words. Really. I applied this simple thing to my last relationship. It was prolly the healthiest relationship in regards to communication I've had in my entire life.
We separated our rights, unrealistic expectations, unspoken expectations, negotiations, and commitments. And when we were angry, upset or bothered we simply asked each other which is it you're most angry or upset about? And often we became angry about everything except: negotiations and commitments. Because we knew...
The anger was all about the expectations and rights. I'm working on abandoning them, as I follow a shared motto of not taking _______ into my ______ year!
So I'm learning to expect nothing and pray for everything (that I can handle of course...)
If you were closer I'd hug you. I promise.
3 comments:
as I follow a shared motto of not taking _______ into my ______ year!
...fo sho
thank you.
for everything.
just thank you.
Interesting post...gives me some insight on a situation I am dealing with myself. Thanks for the heads up for the big book...started looking through it..seems good for anyone to read.
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