The Hiatus

I have made personal decisions to move in a different direction. Vowed to live my life differently. Not take the mistakes of the past into this year. As a dear friend reminded me through his jewel of a Mother's words. "Your future is brighter than your past." I know that; however, keeping that focus in mind when you are in the midst of a personal storm is confusing and difficult. My perception hasn't always been clear, as my mind has been clouded, fogged, by things that really, in the big picture of my life. Isn’t any of my business nor is it my problem.
Some will read this, and read through the lines. Believing some how they will know exactly what is going on with me. What is wrong with me. The issue is, nothing's wrong and everything's wrong. Nothing is perfect, yet everything is exactly the way it is supposed to be, perfectly imperfect in its imperfections.
I have made mistakes in my life, and it appears as if the poor choices in my past, whether it’s an action or thought, have led to this moment. A moment of constant clarified uncertainty. I am not in any way regretful of my choices. I have lived, interestingly of course, yet I have lived. Seemingly, I have made decisions and made choices to behave a certain way in my life which I believed would shield and protect all that I love and hold dear. Yet this is not the case. Truthfully, I placed myself in a cocoon. Where everything is connected, and honestly, I really don't like the two degrees of separation in my life.
I love compartmentalization. My work life does not meet my personal life. Unless I make that choice. And once my extra curricular activities did not meet my personal life. Unless I made that choice. My home life did not meet my extra curricular activities or my work life. Unless I wanted to or made that choice. Lately things have melded together. And I don't recall willingly making that choice. I wake up, and people are somehow in my space. Not by my invitation, but their insistence. Not by my invitation, but casually participating in activities/things we have in common and somehow believing it to more. I have also allowed others to make that choice whether it was me "worrying" about their feelings or the "issues" it would cause because we traveled in the same circles. However, after much consideration, I've recognized we don't travel in the same circles. We just happen to have things in common. And if we see each other frequently because of those commonalities, it's cool. It is by chance, our common interests placed us in situations where we bonded on a friendly level, but it was never meant to be anything more than friendly. And friendly, does not always equate my personal space, i.e. my home.
My home life is sacred. The nature of my relationship does not afford me the same luxuries as others. We are not, nor have we ever wanted to be a public couple. And truthfully, I don't want to share that level of intimacy or give everyone a glimpse our personal space. I have learned that having your relationship under constant scrutiny causes problems. Every argument, problem, kiss, hug, sullen, silent moment, becomes a topic of discussion. And oh my gosh, you can never break up or move past that relationship because it becomes everyone's f'ing break-up. Not because people are "looking for something to talk about", it's just a natural instinct. I mean, they've seen and been involved in so much it feels "personal".
I say all of this because that fine line between my intimate relationships, my home, my free time, my everything, has been blurred. I don't think I should ever have to explain why I do anything, unless a) you are ELM, b) you are a Judge in a Court of Law, or c) You are G.O.D. I have always been clear about who I am. I am a very complicated, moody, personal, quirky woman. Who no longer wants to live in this blurred reality.
Lastly, I care for and love my poetry, personal, and life-long, friends. Each has a place in my world, and I have a place in yours. I am, in most cases, keenly aware of my place in your world, and I pray that you are also aware of your place in my world. You have caused me to learn so much about myself as a person, and as a Woman. And I love the kinship we have built and continue to foster.
Some of you will read this and know EXACTLY how I feel. You know that I am striving to do so much for myself outside of the obvious places we see and meet each other. We've had conversations at Cheddar's by chance (LOL), tearful confessions, and honest conversation. Others will read it and call someone and ask what was she talking about? The need to call someone you believe knows the answer should help you in discerning the difference between friends and acquaintances.
As we discussed, by chance yesterday in two different conversations, "I refuse to take fill in the blank into my fill in the blank year." I will add this though, I pray I take all I consider and hold dear into the New Year with a clear definition of the roles and places we have in each others lives.
Peace...