Dinner, Parties, and Reunions....

I think somehow, I've fooled others, as well as myself into believing I am this "superior conversationalist, with the presence of a million." That I don't have a butt load of insecurities, and that it is so very difficult to meet new people. Unless, of course, in rare cases, we hit it off immediately. Mind you that's very rare, and with the history of late, me and anyone hitting it off is a "bad sign"... I just find it so difficult to go into a room, and just start blabbing to people. I don't know. I mean even at our venue, as host, I circle the room talking to those persons I know FIRST, all the while watching the new people, attempting to find an easy way to spark up a conversation. Often, I rub my hand across the table, a means of grounding myself, and search it for something to strike up a conversation, you know, a drink, a cell phone, a key chain, anything..... So when I found myself in a situation where I had to talk to people, and there was no such avenue... EVERYONE I knew in the room was serving or seated at a table reserved for relatives..... so what did I do....

Shrunk and reverted back to my eleven year old self, having to entertain for my grandmother, and often being paralyzed in fear. I mean often if I couldn't move, I'd stare into space, unfortunately in the direction of another which gave the appearance that I was staring... Her best friend Miss Jewel used to always say, "Marg.. she's making me uncomfortable, she's staring again." Now mind you, Miss Jewel WAS UGLY AS HELL, think Garfield as a Black Cat with a pug mix... YOu get the jest, and I'm not exaggerating... Anywho.. I didn't stare, I just kept moving.. I mean I walked all night, with a drink in my hand. No I didn't get drunk, as I was mostly paralyzed with anxiety, you know being "found out."

On so many levels it was a cool experience. Being introduced to family members, as well as having an opportunity to find out more about my......

Then it was semi-negative. I just don't want to eliminate that part of who I am. It's an excellent buffer, and it serves a purpose. Last night just served as reminder that I just cannot seem to get past this block...