what a long strange trip...

Life has a way of catching up with you. Old folk often talk about going home... Returning to your true self... As you age there is creature comfort in acknowledging one's past. Embracing it as an old friend... Including those things that haunt you. Things you run from all your life, then you simply stop. Maybe because it's too tiring.. Or like playing that youthful game of tag in childhood.. You make a choice to be caught, because you discover that there is laughter in the pursuit, as well as being perused. One day you wake up and simply re-create yourself to your old natural self.. Learning there is no true freedom in distancing yourself from your past, your childhood, your personal history. The desire to be free from.. Well, from your parent's, or in my case, grandparent's fear, has become a warm blanket that protects us. Becomes an inner voice that we "wished we'd listened to" because it would have saved us from much heart ache and break.
My Great Grand did it. Becoming a mid-wife, property owner, and never remarrying, because my Great Grandfather was the only man she loved. My Grand did it. Further separating herself from a family of teachers and preachers.. She loved all things reefer and jazz. My mother did it, disastrously of course... Leaving me and my sister one half less than whole. And I.. Wanting to escape the "poor things, you know their mother's dead.." Pauses, sighs, and looks... I ran frantically to.. Well, a lot of things. And on the day I lost the last matron in my village... I ran to all things WRONG. Realizing those mistakes, I self corrected or as life has it, they corrected themselves. We're all better for it. Now.. Comes the harder part. Continuing to separate myself, distance yourself, because... Well, it's not you or me.. And the truth is...
Now. I examine my life and the circle that surrounds me. There is still connection to all things wrong.

I have friends whom I've known for decades. We refer to each other by the number of years we've known one another. We laugh at and search for, in one another, ongoing strength. Just to stay grounded. As time passes, we, ever believing in our eternal youth, feeling that time has somehow passed us, because "black don't crack", foolishly buy into the reflections staring back at us in our mirrors.. That we are still young. Kids. And we laugh. Then you realize, I'm grown, with a grown up life. And you wake up one morning, thinking.... Damn, and some more things, but I'll keep that to myself.
I was talking to and e-mailed a couple of friends about life and relationships. Particularly our own. I told them both something like, "If they have a problem with your relationship, and feel as if you don't belong together.. Tell 'em fuck 'em, even if it's me. You don't have to prove anything to anyone in your relationship. Don't let an outsider in your bedroom. They will never leave. When you're in an "adult relationship" you could give a damn about someone else. They're not sustaining you, and consequently, they could really give a damn about you. People talk to fill space and time, it was in passing, believe me no one is that vested. And if think they are, than you or your boy/girl friend are probably sleeping with the wrong person. One of you needs to be fcking the mofo you keep talking about and bringing into your relationship. It's you that gives them the power. Your successes are yours. You don't have to brag about it. People don't buy that shit, and it fuels their tongues. Like people with money, if you have to talk about it, you're probably broke. Just like love... If you have to keep talking about how much you love 'em, you're trying to convince the wrong person, 'cuz it's probably you. In the end, if they're lucky, you'll grant them the opportunity to celebrate with you what you have built, together." We all laughed, individually. And in one instance, I smiled inside... Because I realized in that moment that I wanted us to be friends forever.... And it's that. Those Mae Lou moments... My great grand had a way of giving advice, offering little antidotes, with this huge heart. Always wanted what was best for someone, anyone.. This last year I remembered that it was something she'd passed on to me. Telling stories, talking, wanting to help... Things that caused me to love my great grand so much, were once a part of me. And I realized that behind my gruffness and all the poor choices I've made since my Grand's death, I have actually met a few people that I love. Care about their well being. That's how I lived my life. Until I felt like it wasn't safe, that it would hurt too much to let go... Not to say there weren't some predatory, miserable mofos lurking in the shadows... It never meant I had to change me.. Even now.. So I am moving back to me.
The other night, we did a show, and Langston was a little disappointed. He wanted me to do a piece that I actually could not do, and when I attempt to do it comes out crappy. I just don't have that type of animosity in me. Not that angry.. And I hate the way it makes me feel when I'm through.. It's entitled "Burn"..... I've retired the piece. It is probably the best, yet the cruelest and ugliest piece I've ever written.. Scary, I meant every word. A different time. It feels pretty damn good to be free of that time. It feels real good.

So thanks to a few people whom I've realized that, well... For the opportunity to develop lasting friendships... Even those days when I made it difficult, and more so for those days when I, wrought with confusion and hurt didn't know how to be a better one to you... Let's see, you know who you are it's been helpful the last couple of months...
for you, "no, I can never be THAT mad at you again."
for you, "it's something about being raised by old people."
for you, "the truth never means that love dies, it gets stronger.. And ugh, what about lunch?"
for you, "teaching me so much about adult friendship, and now our tragic loving bond in septembre."
for you, "always checking on me. I got your text. dang.... I'll let you know next time. Promise."
for you, "yes, staying in my lane.. Am glad I've gotten to know you."

for you,"being the funniest, cutest nerd I know."
for you,"put it down in BK... live miK.."

lastly, to you for realizing that we'll never be that close again. i wish you all the happiness and success in the world......