And if any place will not welcome you or listen to you, shake the dust off your feet when you leave, as a testimony against them."
-because everyone will not love you, let alone like you. you must learn this and be okay with it...
O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption.
- it lets me know at the end of the day, everything is gonna be just fine. just because it makes me smile....
person one: "so how's that working for you?"
me: "until a few years ago, just fine. i kept to myself."
person one: "so how'd that work for you?"
me: "i don't know. i guess okay. i'm always okay until people are involved."
person one: "what do you mean?"
me: "you can't make someone understand what you project and what they see, are never really who you are. so it's easier being alone. keeping people at a distance."
person one: "so how's that working for you?"
me: "not very well."
person two: "so what are you going to do? you know what they say?"
me: "discomfort has a way of motivating change."
person two: "are you uncomfortable enough?"
me: "yes."
today, I was awakened by a poem. not one that can be written. it was a rather restless night for many reasons... i am.. at a breaking point. there is no anger, no despair, no hurt, no ugh..... nothing. just me and my thoughts. perhaps, a bland, blunted reality.... no practices, and no place to really be. work is in that limbo state where there is no travel, only reports that need to be hashed out. i have an opportunity to turn my attention and focus, back to me. there is so much i'd like to do, to accomplish. things i've turned my back on and toward.
long ago, i had a dream of my mother. she sat at the end of the bed and talked to me all night. it felt real. i could hear her. feel her presence. even smell her perfume. it happened at a time when i needed it the most. it changed me in a lot of ways. today feels like one of those times. i try to read my mantra daily. to somehow negate the lies i've told myself over the years. i never really expect anyone to feel sorry for me, but, on some levels i've probably felt sorry for myself more than anyone ever would or could. this year, in my struggle, and it has been a struggle, to change. lie number one: i don't feel sorry for myself. truth: i have begun to tell myself daily, by feeling sorry for myself, i, in some ways victimize others. not intentionally, it's just who i've grown to become in my effort to protect me.. lie number two: protect myself at all costs. truth: protecting me doesn't mean it's okay to hurt others. it also doesn't mean i have to accept unacceptable behavior. lie number three: i are more fucked up than others. truth: no, we are all fcked up. we all have fucked up coping skills. i guess mine are magnified at times. however, i know better than anyone that i have have them. the lie others tell themselves about me is, "i'm never wrong." simply because they can't imagine, the truth, which is: i don't know how to forgive myself for ANYTHING. i often walk away with it's my fault." where i failed others and myself, was not being honest with when i was truly uncomfortable. not being honest when i allowed them to believe they were my friend. friend requires a sense of trust and the ability to let go. most people never got that from me, i never let go.... and today they feel betrayed and lied to. i offer my sincerest apology. i was truly dishonest. i was working toward nothing more than mutual understanding, i watched long enough and realized it was not truly safe... for me or you. and now. well now, despite your anger and continued rants about my character, i have begin to forgive myself, acknowledge that i have contributed to your discomfort, and ignore the rest. today, i have to move forward.
i need my strength. i am a couple weeks from september. my grieving season. perhaps this time i can do what i've never been able to do before.....
-because everyone will not love you, let alone like you. you must learn this and be okay with it...
O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love and with him is full redemption.
- it lets me know at the end of the day, everything is gonna be just fine. just because it makes me smile....
person one: "so how's that working for you?"
me: "until a few years ago, just fine. i kept to myself."
person one: "so how'd that work for you?"
me: "i don't know. i guess okay. i'm always okay until people are involved."
person one: "what do you mean?"
me: "you can't make someone understand what you project and what they see, are never really who you are. so it's easier being alone. keeping people at a distance."
person one: "so how's that working for you?"
me: "not very well."
person two: "so what are you going to do? you know what they say?"
me: "discomfort has a way of motivating change."
person two: "are you uncomfortable enough?"
me: "yes."
today, I was awakened by a poem. not one that can be written. it was a rather restless night for many reasons... i am.. at a breaking point. there is no anger, no despair, no hurt, no ugh..... nothing. just me and my thoughts. perhaps, a bland, blunted reality.... no practices, and no place to really be. work is in that limbo state where there is no travel, only reports that need to be hashed out. i have an opportunity to turn my attention and focus, back to me. there is so much i'd like to do, to accomplish. things i've turned my back on and toward.
long ago, i had a dream of my mother. she sat at the end of the bed and talked to me all night. it felt real. i could hear her. feel her presence. even smell her perfume. it happened at a time when i needed it the most. it changed me in a lot of ways. today feels like one of those times. i try to read my mantra daily. to somehow negate the lies i've told myself over the years. i never really expect anyone to feel sorry for me, but, on some levels i've probably felt sorry for myself more than anyone ever would or could. this year, in my struggle, and it has been a struggle, to change. lie number one: i don't feel sorry for myself. truth: i have begun to tell myself daily, by feeling sorry for myself, i, in some ways victimize others. not intentionally, it's just who i've grown to become in my effort to protect me.. lie number two: protect myself at all costs. truth: protecting me doesn't mean it's okay to hurt others. it also doesn't mean i have to accept unacceptable behavior. lie number three: i are more fucked up than others. truth: no, we are all fcked up. we all have fucked up coping skills. i guess mine are magnified at times. however, i know better than anyone that i have have them. the lie others tell themselves about me is, "i'm never wrong." simply because they can't imagine, the truth, which is: i don't know how to forgive myself for ANYTHING. i often walk away with it's my fault." where i failed others and myself, was not being honest with when i was truly uncomfortable. not being honest when i allowed them to believe they were my friend. friend requires a sense of trust and the ability to let go. most people never got that from me, i never let go.... and today they feel betrayed and lied to. i offer my sincerest apology. i was truly dishonest. i was working toward nothing more than mutual understanding, i watched long enough and realized it was not truly safe... for me or you. and now. well now, despite your anger and continued rants about my character, i have begin to forgive myself, acknowledge that i have contributed to your discomfort, and ignore the rest. today, i have to move forward.
i need my strength. i am a couple weeks from september. my grieving season. perhaps this time i can do what i've never been able to do before.....
2 comments:
again...i see you...again, i smile...again, i'm learning too...again and always everything for a reason
live up to your name boo--k.i.m.
(keep it moving) and shake the dust (and the "haters") from your feet... ;-)
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