Queue... I'm back!!!!!!

I've been growing up. Funny.. Having love in your life makes you want to do and be so much more. More than you ever thought you could or would be. I still have my bouts with self.

in 48 hours I've learned
- I'm forgiving, yet I don't forget. (there is a difference)
- I don't hold grudges, yet I never want ANYONE to insult my intelligence.
- And loyalty, is still so much a part of who I am.
- I will try anything for Langston (my tree), even when it's against my better judgement.
- I love ELM and CT more than ever.
- Love, KA, Brian and I will always be friends.
- Angel and Sarah are the best gifts I recieved in a very long time.
- I wish I could be more like my great grandmother.
- I'm a lot like my mother.
- I want people to keep their first impression of me, no matter, so I'll never disappoint. I'm never gonna do anything to change that impression.


I post this because two VERY SIGNIFICANT things have happened. While they mean very little in my everyday life, they impacted my behavior.
1) A couple of weeks ago I was pretty brutal in a slam against a man from North Tx. Despite his duplicity, I've always been cordial. I used slamming to get back at him in some ways for contributing to several issues regarding me and another friend. And while I did not use his name, I did put references into the piece regarding him. The joke is always funny as long as you are not the butt of it. I didn't feel good about what i did. I realized immediately after the slam was over why I did it. Last night solidified it for me. I went up against a team mate in the final round. We were tied going into the last round. He got a perfect 30, and I was going up next. The last poet of the night. I could have done one or two pieces to win. Our coach is damn good so I had a plan to capitolize on his pice and use his own words in mine to do it. It stared off well.... I could not finish. I stood there struggling to come up with an alternative ending as not to be hurtful and/or embarrass him in front of others. Now some will say, ohh she messed up. And that's cool too. It doesn't matter. The bottom line was I would rather lose than to win at his expense. I thought I was colder than that. Harder than that. I'm not. That's like my great-grand. I did feel bad for the North Texas guy, despite what I believed, felt, and suffered as a consequence of not just going the fck off on him last year during all the turmoil. I struggled with being the better person, and in the venacular, letting him make it for one year, but the victory over him was not a sweet as I wanted it to be.... Maybe I choked doing Choke. But congrats Joe B. You deserved it.

2) Which takes me to a eerily similiar situation. Slump.... we meet at the same place at the same time doing the same thing every week. As another blogger put it, but I won't be as blunt, does not make us friends. I will not say that I have not met, and developed, what I pray to be life long friendships. Most are not. Simply casual, and while I care about them as people, we are simply people who meet at the same place at the same time doing the same thing every week. Good, bad or indifferent, it does not make me ANYONE'S friend. There is work required in that. As the host, and because I wasn't raised by wolves, I attempt to do the best job with welcoming everyone. Not being a poetry snob. But I am human so I make jokes. As I have very dry sense of humor. I am not arrogant, mean spirited, nor a bully, I am like anyone else. Can't I chose who I want to be friends with based on MUTUAL TRUST, HONESTY AND RESPECT. Must I be an ass, or called names, or referred to an the enemy. I don't go around forcing and imposing myself on others, why would you expect me to accept it from someone else.

Having been raised by old people, I watch people for a very long time before ever approaching them with me. It's confllicting because Thir13teen is one person. The host, the poet, whom at times, I grow bored and tired of. I don't particulairly like the baggage she brings. I don't want to be that, seen as that... favorite line from a poe: you must think I'm so cold I'm hot, newsflash: I'm not. Mind you this is a piece I've written, and I'm referring to me. Kimberley is another, who doesn't really care about what people think or say, except when it impacts me or someone I love. Kim is a TRUE ALOOF AQUARIAN.

In spite of the often intensely magnetic, forthcoming and open personality of the more extrovert kind of Aquarian, and of their desire to help humanity, neither type makes friends easily. They sometimes appear to condescend to others and take too little trouble to cultivate the acquaintance of people who do not particularly appeal to them. They do not give themselves easily - perhaps their judgment of human nature is too good for that - and are sometimes accounted cold. But once they decide that someone is worthy of their friendship or love, they can exert an almost hypnotic and irresistible mental attraction on them and will themselves become tenacious friends or lovers, ready to sacrifice everything for their partners and be faithful to them for life.

But Kim that chick mo calls live Mik (evil kim, backwards) is cool as a fan. And she's not mean and hateful. Doesn't wake up to make others miserable. Just wants to be left the fck alone.... And in no way am I trying to be fcking therapeutic, cleansing, or apologetic. I'm just thinking of fcking changing my blog-site and not allowing everyfcking one to read it. 'Cuz I'm tired. My week has been upset by some bull shit. As if I don't have a life. A POEM.....