I hope the squirrels kick their ass!!

All the people at my job want to do is pick fcking pecans.... I came in this morning with the goal to complete the shell of a data report in which to review program services blah blah blah blah.. the project involves working with the data analysis division blah blah blah.. surely you are not interested in my job. anywho..
I have been teamed up with HESSMALLERANDFCKINGLOUDER. Now I can be the queen of procrastination or so it may appear. I work like I write most of my open mic/slam pieces. I walk around with it in my head for a few days, sit down and complete it. Generally in a few days. I am, for the most part, a typical aquarian, however, unlike most, I have the ability, no willingness, to follow thru with projects. Despite the boredom... It's only exciting in the developing phase, I am a control freak so it's hard to allow someone else to do the foot work. I digress....
I requested the report on the 14th of November. I needed minor changes that required, from an IT/Data professional's stand point, a swift key stroke. In addition to that, as Project Manager, I allowed issues and changes to collect, as opposed to going to him each and everytime there was a need for change. I would have believed he would have been happy, especially since He-Bitch was on him like a lubricant in a late night ill planned screw with some last call for alcohol, were-wolf ugly mofo...
NEW CHARACTER INTRODUCTION
Silent Ghost-Light: This guy is white like elmer's glue, you know how you squirt it from the top and it sits on that orange cap? Well, that kind of white. Almost ghost like, plus he's sooooooo fcking eerily quiet you'd swear he was mute, deaf, and dumb. Every fcking time he speaks I am surprised.
Barefoot Contessa: A manager (w.w. all I have to say) who walks around the building barefoot all damn day long.
Nearly two weeks later, yes there was a holiday in between, what I asked wasn't much, and I still did not have a report. I was cool though. Since the 19th after I realized I still hadn't gotten the report I have watched HESSMALLERANDFCKINGLOUDER and Silent Ghost-Light walk around the grounds picking fcking pecans. I mean these mofos pick damn pecans so much the squirrels are hanging out on the limbs doing pull ups and shyt. Strengthening themselves and waiting to kick their asses. I mean almost everyone here is hanging out there picking fcking pecans, but let them even think I'm on my cell phone and all hell would break loose. I have never seen so many unattractive asses. Literally asses, cracks, cheeks and all. It can be pretty disgusting, especially around lunch time.
So this morning, I approach my man HESSMALLERANDFCKINGLOUDER to have a conversation, it went something like this.
Me: Good morning. My thinking may be incorrect, however, I have not received the final report we discussed a few weeks back.
Him: What do you mean? I sent it in an e-mail.
Me: I went thru my e-mails. The last report I received you was on the 14th.
Him: You sure?
Me: Positive.
Him: Oh. What were the changes, 'cuz I know I sent it to you.
Me: Why don't you resend the e-mail you sent containing the report? I need it to track changes, and since I erred (Which I know damn well I didn't.) I will make note of it, as we are working on a time line.
Him: Well, no, what were the changes. (Now we get to the truth pecan picker!) No, why don't you get them and bring them over her so we can review it.
Me: I know what changes need to be made. Let's just pull up the report and we can make the changes here, now, together. (Yea, pecan picker... since you want to be funny.)
Him: Naw. I'll just come over to your pod and we can review the changes.
Me: Okay. See you in five minutes?
Him: Ok.
Now one he didn't make it in five minutes and as a result when he arrived I was on the phone. I acknowledged him, and attempted to wrap up my conversation quickly. I have a tendency to use my work phone like a mob boss under FBI surveillances. Some call it my 900 voice, and I also hold the receiver in a way that covers my mouth. So even if you are a lip reader, you don't know if it's business or personal. But like any good employee, I use my cell for most personal calls. Any way when I complete the call and begin talking to him he's louder than his normal self, has an attitude. I click into my inbox and see that he's e-mailed the WRONG report to me. Had not made any of the changes. You can see it in the first glance. I'm fighting the urge to become curt as I am operating on 3.45 hours of sleep, an attitude, a CRAVING FOR PANCAKES AND BACON, and no fcking Starbucks. He gets louder and louder and a bit more aggressive with each suggestion I make. And I am becoming incensed. Finally the straw that broke the camel's back.
Him: Is it too hard for you to walk over and get the formula yourself?
Me: Excuse me?
Him: Is it too hard for you to walk over and get the formula yourself?
Me: No. I can do that. I believe your task in this project is to ensure that I have the report I need, and since formulas and data systems are not my area of expertise, the process would be a lot more efficient and effective if you would keep your end of the deal. But, I can do it.
Long short it gets worse, 'cuz I have to go over to I SAID A BOOM CHICK A BOOM and obtain, not the formula, but the process of how she obatins, not runs similar data reports. In other words the run around, but I'm a team player (at times). Now I SAID A BOOM CHICK A BOOM I've noticed from previous conversations wants to jump forward to the implementation of the report and analyze the data OUT LOUD LIKE A FUCKING CHEER and we were the winning team, all the while speaking to me as if 1) I am incapable of seeing the obvious and 2) On some militant shyt where I too, am willing to speak loudly about the administration and systems shortcomings. The sister is sharp as hell, smart and knows her job, but sometimes I believe she reeks of the scent Welfare and wears designer wardrobe labeled Unemployment all the while wanting to escourted by my man Termination to some door. I'm not criticizing, just sometimes her timing is all wrong. And the Barefoot Contessa had begun to peek her head around an office door collecting her own form of data. Thank goodness she is not my boss, and even better, my boss dogs her every opportunity she gets.
Between their loudness and the frustration that was beginning to rise in my voice, I thought I would claw my ears from the side of my face so that I just could not hear, but not have anything resembling a listening device on or near my body..... Eventually I walked away. Just couldn't take another minute. Requesting that I have a finished report by lunch.
Needless to say, HESSMALLERANDFCKINGLOUDER wears passive agressiveness like deoderant, "never let 'em see you sweat". He made his point. He knew I wouldn't go to neither of our bosses and discuss the issue. He knew I wanted to get by just like he wanted to get by. I didn't get my report by the close of business day. And from time to time as I walked from building to building, went to lunch, and chatted on my cell phone I would catch HESSMALLERANDFCKINGLOUDER and Silent Ghost-Light walking around with their little white shopping bags picking fcking pecans. What he didn't know was I'm not vindictive, but I do have vindictive thoughts and I secretly hoped the squirrels would kick his fcking ass...