It's three o'clock

and she's having conversations with herself that she doesn't want to have.
refused to have.
afraid to wake the demons lurking in the shadows of her prayers,
and the forestry of her conscious....

i suffer from the black woman superhuman syndrome. believing i can handle everything. believing i am superhuman, often avoiding those internal triggers that tells the average person, 'you're taking on too, too, much."

a series of events, most recent the tragic loss of a young woman who i admired immensely. forced me to take a look at my mortality, and that of those around me. then of course, i got in my way. and began to worry...

it took me to a dark place. not as dark as some. but it was pretty dark. and i began to think of how we take care of ourselves, our mental health. in our community we do not seek assistance, we self diagnosis, ignore and continue to move forward as if...

and i realized, i couldn't. not because i wanted to hold onto the pain. nor was i comfortable in my fear. and believe me, i've been very fearful these day. i just realized, man, "i'm f'ing tired." and i realized something else. the void. the spiritual void that has ever increased as i have chased dollars, cars, homes, friends, relationships, you name it. i've chased it. believing with each trinket i would find more happiness. not really believing it lies deep within me.

and i remembered what my great grand and grand used to say. he will never give us anything we can't carry. and we never really carry the load ourselves. remember those footsteps in the sand? so i stepped back, took a deep breath, prayed and asked for help.

dang.. i am beginning to feel better. breathe. let go. let G.O.D.