I've been grateful Lately....

I don't have a list.... I fell into my house and onto my sofa for the last time on Saturday night. I needed space and the familiar. The last six weeks have been exhausting, and I cannot say I've made it to the other side unscathed or bruised.

I have hurt and been hurt by two of the things I love most. Poetry and people.

Saturday came at the tail end of three of the hottest poetry nights I've experienced in a long time. The Neo Soul Anniversary. The Neo Soul Kevin Sandbloom performance this past Thursday. The Under 21 Slam. I cannot say that ANY OF THESE MOMENTOUS MOMENTS made the idea of poetry, let alone the writing/reciting of poetry any sweeter.

I committed to a Board that in the end will actually say I didn't do much to help. I am partially satisfied with that. My accomplishments and contributions will be minimized. (A hot ass 11 year old dj, his father who graciously taped the show and will edit it for sales to assist the U21 Organization (did I mention for free?), countless hours of hosting all the shows for the last two years without asking for a dime, attending Board Meetings (did I mention I didn't miss ANY OF THEM?), and possibly 1000.00 worth of in-kind donations which will probably not be used. I gave up a position on the Slam Team with my best friend, a young man I view as a son, and a Woman who is increasingly becoming a confidant and friend in order to "not appear biased" to continue to serve on a Board I committed to and in the end I will be viewed as .... well you know.... And while I was not responsible for the crowd that attended the event, I am ARGUABLY THE BEST FCKING HOST IN AUSTIN (which alone is an added benefit and I provided an added twist the YOUTH DJ. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just a bit disappointed and bewildered that in my effort to become a better person, I failed to recognize that people will always do what's in their best interest. I'm not bashing either. Because again, everyone does what's in their best interest. And this is in mine.

And yes, I sacrificed myself and my integrity at times to right a wrong. It wasn't cool for me to say I was on a Team I quit and never seriously considered being on again. It wasn't cool to continue to challenge the Board regarding my own value conflict. It wasn't cool to create rules as we went as a Board. It wasn't cool to try to prevent opportunities we said we wanted to create. And in the f'ing end what I said held f'ing true. "How can you guarantee that anyone is going to make the team? Let's deal with it then." And yes, I ran interference. I wasn't true to them which meant I had to quit. As it was put to me, just because you didn't vote for Bush doesn't mean that while he's in office you're not an American. While I didn't argue it then because I didn't wish to be any more argumentative and hostile in that moment; I would have said, "It doesn't mean that I have to act like the American that put the mofo in office either."

And it doesn't mean I supported the other stuff to make sure "things happened" in a certain way. I was f'ing confused. This being a selfless person can put you in a bind. I compromised who I am during the process and I didn't realize how much I internalized the bullshit that wasn't mine until I walked toward my car daze like at the end of the youth slam.

I don't blame anyone. Blame is not an issue. Honesty was, and still is the issue for me. And i wasn't honest to the person who meant the most. ME. I would like to go on record saying I wasn't true to any one person, as much as I tried to be true to me. And in the end, I lied to myself in order to go on.

So what I am most grateful for is the patience that G.O.D. granted to me through others during my confusion. I also would like to thank that same good orderly direction for lessons I learned throughout this process.