A Million Reasons Not To Book Your Own Gig...

Remember Holy Man with Eddie Murphy? Think Coming to America. Remember Eddie Murphy's character? Akeem? Okay, take it a step further, imagine that he's gay.... Okay, I know some of you believe Eddie is gay, but I'm talking about the movie character. Below, a story. Some names have been changed to protect the innocent.
On Saturday, after the youth slam, Nancy and I headed over to the Doubletree Hotel. I promised a co-worker that I would perform a piece at his friend Eddie's party. The party it turns out, is a cd release/going away party. Upon arrival, we meet my co-worker Kerry in the parking lot. He informs us that the party is in a room separate from the main building and it would be better to park out back. Nancy and I return to the car and drive toward the back of the hotel. As we park, a car rushes past us and escorts "some one" into a back door into the party room. We're not easily impressed, but become somewhat concerned as we are dressed casually. Me in my poet uniform of blue jeans, t-shirt and running jacket. She, totally out of uniform, with jeans, blouse and heels.
We walk around to the other side of the building. Mostly a mixed ethnic, gender, and sexuality crowd. We enter the party room. There are quite a few people sitting at tables, mingling, talking. I had only spoken to Eddie on the phone, so I had no idea what he looked like. In addition, Kerry was no where to be found. So I walked over to a young woman, let's call her Miss and asked her if she knew Eddie and where I could find him. She stated yes, that he was preparing to go on stage. She then pointed to another door. I said, "thanks Miss."Upon first glance, I saw a man about 5'7 feet tall, dressed in a white linen pant suit (it's still winter) getting make up and hair prepared by a stylist. Still not easily impressed, I walked over to another man introduced myself and asked if I could go in. Now, at this time, I am a little taken a back, as I am questioned in rapid succession. "Who are you? What are you going to do? Oh you're the poet? What do you have? Do you have anything on friendship, love, going away? How much time do you need? Not more than five minutes I hope? Are you a professional?" By this time I am frustrated, but managed to smile weakly as I look toward Nancy for guidance. Then out of no where, Eddie walks up, with the thickest Nigerian American homosexual slur have ever heard in my entire life. One you could have bought my ass for free, and you guys know how much I love my ass. Two no one could have ever told me that I'd met a Nigerian effeminate homosexual. (No I am not being bigoted!). Three he sounded and looked like fcking Eddie Murphy from Coming To America except he was wearing the damn Holy Man outfit, with that jacked up fro/dread lock thing he tried to do for a minute. You know the one where they tease little horns/tips all over the place. Now, Nancy has begun the glaze over... This is a look that I have become familiar with. While she has a poker face, the glaze over often means we are going to laugh our asses off thru tears once we get back to the car. "Hell O Keem. Itz ah pley zhur to meat choo. Ker E haz tool me so mouch a botchoo. So glad datchoo maid it." He says. I am starting to feel a bit more at ease, despite the tears that are starting to collect in the corner of my eyes. Eddie at least calms Arsenio down for a moment. Because I felt like he was interrogating me for all the wrong reasons. Hell, I was doing them a favor. By now, I know I cannot look over at Nancy, because I wear most emotions on my face. Can't whisper worth a damn. And can't fight. So, I am straining not to burst out in uncontrollable laughter and answer the questions. "Nice to meet you, Eddie. Thanks for having me." Turning to Arsenio, I ask, "Nancy , what do you suggest?. "You could do one of the Harlem pieces they always work." "Okay. I will do one of those. Arsenio, do you need to hear it for content or appropriateness." "No, I can see you're a professional."
Okay.. Finally. Kerry shows up, introduces us to his ex, and his new boyfriend, another couple seated at the table and his room mate Miss. We exchange introductions. Nancy and I have a seat at a table. Showtime. I spit my piece. Get my mad respect from the crowd. Walk back to my table to watch the remainder of the show. Pretty average. Local artists. One sings. The other WRAPS. Then the grand show.... Eddie walks on stage, every one in the room is smiling, clapping, this fool opens his mouth and .........
Well, to be nice... it sounded like a warped version of the Lion King meets The Chorus Line soundtrack. American Idol worst takes out of Africa. To say it was HORRIBLE is an understatement. Kerry walks over to me and whispers, "I told you he wasn't the greatest singer." Again an understatement. Did I mention this was his CD RELEASE PARTY? To make matters worse... Remember the young lady? Kerry states, "My room-mate, he wants to take a picture with you. Oh, I'm sorry, I can't get used to saying her. She's very happy now though. Since she had the surgery. She says she want to come on Wednesday nights." What da fck? I know it was a little dark in there. I also know sometimes I don't pay attention once I've assessed I'm not in immediate danger. But hell, I just thought... The one I kept call Miss, was not a very attractive woman. And in that moment it.... the one who had been staring at me all night long. I mean, IT turned it's chair around to face me, looking at me, dreamy like, smiling, little touches, brushes across my leg, not paying attention to the show, rolling it's eyes at Nancy... I mean I noticed it, but I thought maybe she was looking at Nancy or mayber the dudes at the other table. (Nancy and Kerry both later confirmed that it was me Miss was looking at. Kerry taking it further stating Miss thought I was in the venacular "fine". Miss came over to take a picture. Nancy's smart ass moves away, as if she's not going to join in. I grab her arm, and she whispers, "you know that's not a woman don't you." In this moment I am literally fcked up. Miss lays over on my leg grinning like a ______ (anything I say will not be appropriate so you fill in the blank). Anyway, we take the picture. I pray it doesn't find it's way to the internet.... Now I know my gender bending androgynous ass attracts almost anything and everything... If there's a bi-curious male or female in the room they will try to talk to me, but a post op transgendered homosexual male or is it a transgendered lesbian who was trapped in a man's body? That shyt is BRAND NEW... even to me... By now.. those that know me know I AM LOOKING AT MY WATCH AND THE DOOR.... LOOKING FOR A QUICK OUT.... Nancy is glazed over twenty times over, so I know we are in for a few hours of laughs... And as I am trying to recuperated, fcking Eddie walks over.. "u knot E ting? cum on tri af ree kan fud. itz gud. u eet sum ding. you wur gr8. we muss werk tu geth r." I'm thinking you gotta be kidding me... long short.... we finally leave. Not without Miss, pressing up on me a few more times, then HUGS me as we leave.... Ahhhh.. no more favors. no more free ninety nine performances. no more booking my own shows.....