a joyride on a tight rope

Am sitting here, listening to Joyride (Mariah Carey)... Feeling anxious, feeling lonely, feeling loved, feeling unloved, under appreciated, taken for granted... Well, just feeling. Am not sure where to start. The music... Excellent.. Not sure what she's saying, the blend of her voice, the music, mesmerizing, putting me in a zone. A place. I am excited about the new year, the possibilities, however, I am so fearful. I have an opportunity to start over. I mean REALLY START FRESH... And it is so freaking difficult, because I KNOW I am going to have to leave somethings, some people, behind. It hurts tremendously. In this moment I am reminded of a tight rope... One that is stretched past it's strength, it is at a breaking point, others, for selfish reasons are unable to see the weakened spot in the rope .. Or worse, they don't care.. People are selfish and self-seeking. Rule number one. Why do I continue to allow anyone to get close to me and forget that rule is unbeknownst to me. Perhaps in my incessant need to feel slightly uncomfortable in all situations, I continue to operate as if this is not true. That often it is those "who love me so much" that contribute to the highest level of pain and discomfort I could feel at any given moment. Yet, I work daily at waking up and being available to them, because everything in me wants to run. I am totally uncomfortable in others comfort, somehow I always seem to be making the adjustment, with few meeting me where I am. Some one told me I wasn't really a loner. That I wanted to believe I was. My response was "I can show you better than I can tell you." The truth of the matter is no one really knows me. They'd like to think they do. They'd like to think that they could predict how I will respond to a situation. What I like. What I dislike. However EVERYONE continues to ignore this one simple statement "I talk out of discomfort." Which means I may say ANYTHING, unless you ask me a direct question. Even then you may or may not get a direct answer.
What are you to do when the things that you love, that you believe are good to you and for you are those things that are the most destructive? That everything you believed you wanted is about to become or now is a reality and you realize that perhaps it's in fact, another thing you fooled yourself into believing you actually wanted it? I hate doing anything I'm not good at. And when it's pointed out to me, I have only one response: QUIT. Especially when there is no solution offered, or I am given promises on how it can be better one day. Some future moment.
So today, I am a tightly wound rope, living on the edge of my breaking point. And I cannot take another thing. Cannot put another item on my plate. I crave SIMPLICITY and for whatever reason... Perhaps the sun, the phase of the moon, placement of some planet, it is not what I am getting. Instead I get this practical joke daily.... It's called my life on life's terms and the direct consequences of my poor choices. And while I am eternally grateful that I was given the breath of life, that I was allowed another day... I pray for the strength and fortitude to walk away from those things that are no longer healthy and have no added value in my life. In all I do, all I encounter, all I interact with, I will ask one simple question, "How is this/are you adding value to me and my life?" Because if I don't take control of my life, I am destined to make the same mistakes..... Something I can no longer afford.