SHellt her me

I am at most happiest when I am surround by self and in my company. My conscious self relies heavily upon others. My unconscious self, the auto pilot, which is often my driver, can give a fck about others as it relates to me and mine. As long as you don't interfere with the perimeter of thir13teen's force field, you are free to move about. Thing is, I am develing into uncharted waters. Giving more of me than I've ever felt comfortable. Currently it feels as if I giving up the things that are so important. I want to hide in a corner, keep my Elm and the sapling in one pocket and my family in another. Pull them out when it's safe. So many people now. Often I fight the idea of fleeing.
I am my best constant companion and confidant. Yet, I have a love in my life who is committed to never allowing me to swallow my quarterly dose of doubt and self pity. It is during those times I crave solitude. Now is one of those times. Yet we seemingly share this space effortlessly. It is beautifully horrific place. Everyone goes away. I don't care if others view me as a fraud. Often I wonder if I am, yet true to one of my favorite movie quotes, I know others are more fraudulent than myself. But what if?
I know where my heart is. For once I am absolutely sure. And I celebrate it each and every day. As the holiday season approaches, I fall into a sense of inadequacy, wondering if, in fact I am enough. Not just enough for the home I want to build, but comfortable enough in my own skin. One of the drawbacks to the New Year is that sense of resolution and innate desire to grow. Except you want it to be in leaps and bounds, all during the final week of the year. I am in that space.
I completed the Jung personality profile. Nothing new. It is truly me in a nutshell. Over and over again.
True to the profile, I have become pensive and crave... crave for the sense of loneliness and isolation that accompanies my next great revelation. But I am sheltered now. I have a place and someone that I call home. I have eyes to turn to when I need sympathy, empathy, compassion, encouragement and all the feelings that contribute to personal growth and development, a true sense of belonging. Ya know? Feels good. In my silence I am accepted. Actually I believe that when I go thru these periods I am possibly loved more, and a deeper appreciation for who we are, and who we can be, together and individually takes on a life of it's own.
Last night, in my, our oneness, we shared emotions and space in silently going on with our individual activities. It was beautifully courageous. Sharing glances, slight touches and being open to vulnerability....
We've been too strong for too long, and I can't live without you..... MJB