Friends? Really? I'd Like To Keep It Real.........

I wear my aloofness like a badge of honor, it is as natural to me as breathing. I have never strived to be liked. i consider the innate desire to "morph", "blend", "meld" into this "person-thing everyone likes" as a true sign of weakness. come on, you remember the infamous audre lourde quote from the best man.... "if I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive." kurt cobain said, "trying to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." i mean, what's wrong with being you and learning to do you well? i do me well... one of those qualities is to "keep it real" .... so the following is "keeping it real" as told by thir13teen....

just because we frequent a common place, share a common interest, share a mutually common circle of peers/associates/acquaintances, does not make us friends, that shyt don't say friendship, n****a... all it says is we have commonalities, it does not make us friends....never has, never will....

i struggle. always had with people. i am peculiar, especially by black folk standards. i'm pretty standoffish. i'm not exceptionally warm, nor welcoming, yet by rote, i can be engaging, charming, friendly.... i was reared in a home which prided itself upon mannerable children, who spoke eloquently, and were able to maintain a sense of self. ignorance would prompt the outsider to mistake my quiet dignity as arrogance. it's difficult not to, it seethes from my pores. my father's gift, my mother's legacy, my grandmother's determination. i will not sit, let alone, stand, for less.

which is why i struggle with this poetry thang. one, the egos are a muthafka. two, there seems to be this false sense of security, based on commonalities or shared "kinship" often mistaken for something more than what it really is.... like most poets, i too, "spit with a crewe". i owe those cats and that atmosphere a lot.
ARROGANT COMMERCIAL BREAK
i could always write. i couldn't always perform.
BACK TO THE PROGRAM
the circle made it possible for me to challenge myself as a writer. the circle made it possible for me to challenge my thinking. the circle made it possible for me to grow as person. the circle was no more than a opportunity, atmosphere which fostered personal growth as a person and as a writer. therein, we developed a bond.
question: does that make us friends? answer: hell to da naw.....
when using the thesaurus, the word friend was not associated with common. as close as you could get was connection, affection, fondness, followed by my favorite sympathy. which links us to pathos... an element in experience or in artistic representation evoking pity or compassion.
there it is.... at it's best, the extent of the relationship that i have with the "crewe." it is an experience that i consider to be rewarding and gratifying for many reasons.... and from that experience i developed a base in which to develop and explore possibilities for future friendships. some of which have manifested themselves into beautiful creations that i pray accompany me thru this lifetime into the next.... others, remain dear and near to my heart, close, not yet friends..... lastly, those, for whatever reason never seemed to connect. all of which i am forever grateful.
i liken the experience to high school. i loved high school. i was popular. i was a good athlete. it was great when i was there. but the truth of the matter is no matter how great it was, i would never go back. it's like seasons, reasons... nothing more..
and to some of the people in my poetry "crewe", i thank you for being seeds, seeds god planted in my heart without my knowledge and without my permission.... some are beautiful flowers that grow in front of the little huts, others that have grown into strong trees protecting the entrance to my the village, shading my path, cooling me during the heat, allowing me to swing and sleep under your branches..... others died from exposure, lack of fertilization.......

and while you are caught in the beauty of the moment.... there are others whom i would soak in gasoline, and play with matches around your ass.... but i will also be there to throw some water at you....... throwing water at you does not mean i am your friend, it means that i am human, i have a heart, i do not want to see anyone suffer, we once shared something wonderful, but it was just that.... a past, a past that i do not wish to return to................... i have pictures, beautiful memories that your behavior can never take away.........