I'm Not Black Enough?

i drive a 1984 convertible volkswagen rabbit. i bought her for my birthday. i have wanted one since 1986. i like old cars. if i can buy another old car it would be a 1968 lincoln continental with suicide doors. the rabbit it is the first car i have owned. it needs a paint job. badly. the interior is pretty good for a car that old. i do not spend a fortune keeping it clean. i do not have amour-all, sponges, and all that other stuff in my trunk. i am grateful when it rains because it gets a thorough cleaning. i got a pretty good deal on it. it had one problem with it, i took it to several reputable automotive repair shops. a shade tree mechanic was able to spot the problem and solve it in two easy steps. it gets over 25 miles per gallon. her name is HIP HOP, not Hooptie. some have had the unmitigated gall to suggest i purchase another car.
truth is: i drive that 1984 convertible volkswagen rabbit and park it in a garage that is connected to my house. a new house in a surburban area, with high ass taxes, low crime rate. again a home i am purchasing.
i read my girl's blog yesterday. it was funny, yet unsettling. again, someone who is not paying my bills, is trying to manage my money, made a suggestion, joking or not that i buy a new car. yes, i have a good job. yes, i could get another one. but why? then i thought about the "comments and opinions", and after a careful toll and survey, i realized that it was my friggin people. BLACK PEOPLE.
then i started thinking am i black enough?
from my appearance you would believe i am black . i mean my skin is brown. i have that tight curl in my hair, but my hair is soft. i have locks. but i lack the thickness in lips and my nose is rather thin for my ethnicity. (blame it on my dad) i am also college educated (not an HBC, blame that one on me), speak articulately without a Texas drawl (blame that on my grandmother's pride!) and sternly, maintain eye contact (that's from my mother)..... but i don't do the neck jerk, hand swinging thing. never have. cousin sarah ;0) (cousin twice removed) could tell you more about 80's hip hop/rap than i could. i mean, i spent that time listening to rem, the cure, the the, pet shop boys, u2, you know college radio. and the rap music i was interested in, others weren't outside of the east coast, a tribe called quest, public enemy. no i mean real public enemy, not just the spike lee fight the power anthem. i even bought prof. griff's and terminator x's cassettes when they embarked upon solo projects.
i have always been different. i have always been curious. those characteristics have defined my course thru life.
so to my so called black folk here is my list regarding cars:
a car will never define me. i define the car.
i like volkswagens.
i will never drive a car that will prevent me from being a land/property owner. (which is the true american dream.)
high interest aside from the cost to fuel that SUV could be a mortgage payment.
hello, a car is not an investment! it depreciates the moment you sign the paper. as a matter of fact it depreciates while it's on the lot.
your insurance is not going to pay for those spinners, speakers, tweeters, tvs,.....
those wheels look good, but are they standard for that car? most modifications are illegal, and prevent you from obtaining the true insurance claim you are entitled in the event of an accident.
i will never pay more than 5.00 to clean a car. (you pay 30.00 to clean a car? Why?)
i will never drive a car a car to impress another human being.
if you drive a 2005 Infiniti FX, a Bentley, a Rolls, or ____________ , park it in the front of and reside at your Big mamma's, your mamma's, in an apartment or something that ain't yours, if you borrow money for gas, if you can barely afford the insurance premimums, if you cannot afford for it to break down, if you have no money in the bank or credit union, how can you impress me? the ONLY impression i get is you are stoopid, and you've been pimped, and not by Xibit. hell, you might even have to pay for my sympathy.
i guess i'm not black enough. like a car, clothes don't define me either. i ain't over dressing to go nowhere. i dress for comfort. most days my entire outfit on a casual day cost more than most. i have been known to pay over 30.00 for a t-shirt (my only fetish). i will rock the hell out of some ambercrombie and fitch jeans, linen from banana republic, t-shirts from hollister, doc marten sandals (or what ever ones elm finds) or clothes from any other "white" store. (with the exception of tj maxx. but even then i'm wrong cuz my people love them some Ross.) and when i did have to wear business clothes, i loved the limited and the hell out of some ann taylor and anne klein.
when i think about it. a lot of things about me aren't quite streo-typical and simply undefinable, if I were to look up the definition of black in the dictionary I would not be insulted, so why should I be insulted by someone's opinion?
the defintion of blackness is personal. it's the way i live my life and strive to live, give and represent myself within a community at large. i am an individual whose hues have been colored beautifully by the sun. to paraphrase and steal a bit from 'shelle:
where's my box for not black enough? and if there is one for not black enough, where's the one for you? the consumer, who will not contibute to his her own community. the one who takes more then he/she gives. the one who would rather knock a sister for having individuality, then to look at your own senseless need to fit in. the one who would like to cut some one down, because they stand a little too strong. i would say you are not black. not in the true sense. i am black. i am a black woman. and i will not, i cannot be placed in your box. i am undefinable, and that's fine by me.