America, WHY????

Every time we think we may be able to forgive your dumb ass, you pull a Jim Carey and become DUMBER AND DUMBER!!!!

It's three o'clock

and she's having conversations with herself that she doesn't want to have.
refused to have.
afraid to wake the demons lurking in the shadows of her prayers,
and the forestry of her conscious....

i suffer from the black woman superhuman syndrome. believing i can handle everything. believing i am superhuman, often avoiding those internal triggers that tells the average person, 'you're taking on too, too, much."

a series of events, most recent the tragic loss of a young woman who i admired immensely. forced me to take a look at my mortality, and that of those around me. then of course, i got in my way. and began to worry...

it took me to a dark place. not as dark as some. but it was pretty dark. and i began to think of how we take care of ourselves, our mental health. in our community we do not seek assistance, we self diagnosis, ignore and continue to move forward as if...

and i realized, i couldn't. not because i wanted to hold onto the pain. nor was i comfortable in my fear. and believe me, i've been very fearful these day. i just realized, man, "i'm f'ing tired." and i realized something else. the void. the spiritual void that has ever increased as i have chased dollars, cars, homes, friends, relationships, you name it. i've chased it. believing with each trinket i would find more happiness. not really believing it lies deep within me.

and i remembered what my great grand and grand used to say. he will never give us anything we can't carry. and we never really carry the load ourselves. remember those footsteps in the sand? so i stepped back, took a deep breath, prayed and asked for help.

dang.. i am beginning to feel better. breathe. let go. let G.O.D.

Outspoken, balanced and knowledgeable... If you were a StrangeLittleGirl, you would be....
Real Men.
You are the type of person who appreciates the balance of yin and yang, anima and animus. You embrace these elements of yourself freely and equally. Your life is about balance, about finding the perfect middle ground and harmonious state. You are also a very outspoken person, and you use your knowledge to educate others and try and make a difference in the world. You particularly dislike labels and stereotypes, preferring to think of people as fluid on all levels, personality and sexuality included. You're a strong, passionate person.
"And so it goes, go round again...."

Until we meet again...

moment of silence and rememberance...

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun..W.H. Auden

This is a snippet of the inscription left in the chap book, Fuck Me Human. I purchased the book because I was so proud of her. And I had to have a small piece , a token of her meteoric rise as a woman and a touring poet. She was the first "U-21 poet" I'd seen. I mean, I've seen kids do the recitations, but she was the one! A beast, and I believe she was only 15. She was competing at Ego's, and if I remember correctly Love gave me a little nudge, like watch this. She was performing "The Current State of Hip Hop". I don"t remember the score, I don't know if she won. I just remember sitting in awe. At the time, I was sitting next to her Mom and Ron. I vaguely remember the look on Shelia's face, but I do remember the air of love and pride that filled the air as Shannon performed. Unbeknown to me, I would begin a friendship with the Young Talented Poet and her Mother. Shelia, graciously allowed me to be her "Baby's Mama". She also, along with Ron allowed me to participate on some levels with her other baby, The Under 21 Slam Team. I can almost remember every year Shannon competed. I say almost, because today is a whir and a blur....

Yesterday when I received the news, I went into a panic looking for this chap book. I remember looking at it, and asking someone if they either wanted it or wanted to read it, as I was SURE I'D GET A CHANCE TO BUY ANOTHER ONE. I thought maybe I placed it somewhere in my desk as I recalled a co-worker saw the title, and I didn't want to get into trouble. Then I remembered the inscription and I decided to keep it, or so I believed. As I drove home, I immediately begin to try to pull myself out of the indifference and indescribable feelings I had at the moment. You now how every emotion you have kind of lingers in the back of your head and stops? Makes your head ache rather dully? And you can't decide if you want to scream, curse or cry? So you just feel anxious and panicked? Well that's how I've felt for over a week. I begin to question. Not G.O.D., just question... and I pray.

Then I teared a bit. Then I got home and I cried in my ELM's arms. Then I remembered the dvd Shelia brought me back from Seattle. And I felt better. But not good enough, because I needed that chap book. I stood still, long enough to listen. And I found it.

Then I relived, as long as my mind would allow me to focus, our last moments together. And I was happy to have known her, been a small part of her life...

Village, I ask of you to accept Shannon as one of us. She is stubbornly strong, but she has an infectious smile and wit. She's a thinker and a talker, very easy to love. I know I don't have to ask anything of you. I know that you've already reached out to her. Just let her know she's missed..

on my mind

thinking of you, still praying.

shannon....

tonight tongues tie in solidarity
captivating the moments moments notice
the silence creeping in the loins of our fear.
utterances refuse to slip past lips.
a declaration.
bitter defiance
standing against the winds
rushing through and to your lungs,
escaping death not yet dying
or vying for freedom.
breathe.
breathe for me.

breathe with me.
we pray our gasps

push past the semblance of solace
and the flirtatious flutter
of an angel’s wing.
they are not yet ready for you.
we are not yet ready to let you go.
so sleep in southern comforted slumber,
hotlantic heat’s perspiration
fills and stills the air
as momma brushes hair
and stares.
gazes back to future
moments moments notice
our tears thrushing
pumping blood

and life

to

and

through you.

breathe.

breathe for me.

to be continued...

Shannon Leigh: an incredible woman and poet - send prayers

new poem

(inspired by a conversation I had in Cambridge with the fantastic Jme)

For the people planning to picket Heath Ledger's funeral
because he did Brokeback Mountain

Christ, what have they done to your hands
they have filled them with placards
and sewn up your tendons with cotton

I remember you used to bleed.
This is not my Calvary, the M-4
in your arms held stiffly with broken shoulder arched
this is not my cross, at its foot I
don't remember those small skulls
listen closely. They have fed
your starving with salt and sulfur
AIDS and typhoid your birthplace
is the grave of some woman or some
small child and they say this
is righteousness.

A child stuck with needles rubbed with cocaine
and fucked by her mother's man a woman
cut out of herself, her dark dreams
spread open and excised, in India
white women pay the poor to carry their children
this is the world
for which you died that
sacrificial offering that paved
these bloodrun streets
your sons are holding makeshift grenades
and bringing knives into grade schools
your daughters are bleeding out
in crowded waiting rooms and God,
what have they done to your words

they are tattered, buried in shrouds of silver this
is not my God

who was a man
who did no great thing but speak
to the poor and outcast and then die
raging at the fate he wished
he knew, he had
skin then
bright fire-eyes and open hands
scar-dotted and waiting
born of an unmarried woman who said to save herself
that she was holy
and made him believe, those hands
are not signposts
that cross is not a billboard with a picture
of a baby that blood
is only blood like ours, Christ

what have we done to you
you simple country carpenter you
perfectly timed suicide you lover
of the blasphemous listen closely:
don't come back.

We will see your feet and call you beggar
we will feed you with the fat
the rich discard and your teeth will rot away you
will be denied shelter and we will not care
even enough
to kill you

you will always deserve it. You will be
freak, john, junkie, you will catch lice from shelter pillows
and we will call you bum
the refugee camps will have no room for you the buses
will not stop and street miracles
will not even get you airtime

don't come back

when you hug men you will be called
faggot when we hear you preach
we will call you Jew at least that
has not changed and when
we come for you, there will be no trial
only an ambulance
restraints and syringes. Slowly

you will forget you are God
and write mad poetry on your skin
with felt-tip pens the nurses
will call you quiet and we will never
remember your name.

I remember you bled once
and I was too young to believe it was for me

do you still remember wood
beneath your palms, do you still
love the starving and the lame
or do you wish for a lesser death
wondering how we can possibly believe
this has all been for you
if you open up your hands
will you be home again

don't wait for us.

You've already seen what we
think of your
forgiveness.


shannon leigh (sometime in january 2008. posted on 01.26.08 her myspace page)

Nobe Not-yet (Kobe Bryant)

CHUMP!!!!!!!!!

"My head's hurting from always being right!".. Denali Guy . AND, "Kobe's a PUNK" I said that.

Let's BRING IT BACK TO THE EAST!!!!! You know I love New England, so it's natural I would go for the Celtics. I can't stand Nobe Bryant's punk AZZ, he's the BIGGEST REASON I AM NO LONGER A (f)LAKER FAN... I would have never gone for the East if the Spurs had won.

I've been grateful Lately....

I don't have a list.... I fell into my house and onto my sofa for the last time on Saturday night. I needed space and the familiar. The last six weeks have been exhausting, and I cannot say I've made it to the other side unscathed or bruised.

I have hurt and been hurt by two of the things I love most. Poetry and people.

Saturday came at the tail end of three of the hottest poetry nights I've experienced in a long time. The Neo Soul Anniversary. The Neo Soul Kevin Sandbloom performance this past Thursday. The Under 21 Slam. I cannot say that ANY OF THESE MOMENTOUS MOMENTS made the idea of poetry, let alone the writing/reciting of poetry any sweeter.

I committed to a Board that in the end will actually say I didn't do much to help. I am partially satisfied with that. My accomplishments and contributions will be minimized. (A hot ass 11 year old dj, his father who graciously taped the show and will edit it for sales to assist the U21 Organization (did I mention for free?), countless hours of hosting all the shows for the last two years without asking for a dime, attending Board Meetings (did I mention I didn't miss ANY OF THEM?), and possibly 1000.00 worth of in-kind donations which will probably not be used. I gave up a position on the Slam Team with my best friend, a young man I view as a son, and a Woman who is increasingly becoming a confidant and friend in order to "not appear biased" to continue to serve on a Board I committed to and in the end I will be viewed as .... well you know.... And while I was not responsible for the crowd that attended the event, I am ARGUABLY THE BEST FCKING HOST IN AUSTIN (which alone is an added benefit and I provided an added twist the YOUTH DJ. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just a bit disappointed and bewildered that in my effort to become a better person, I failed to recognize that people will always do what's in their best interest. I'm not bashing either. Because again, everyone does what's in their best interest. And this is in mine.

And yes, I sacrificed myself and my integrity at times to right a wrong. It wasn't cool for me to say I was on a Team I quit and never seriously considered being on again. It wasn't cool to continue to challenge the Board regarding my own value conflict. It wasn't cool to create rules as we went as a Board. It wasn't cool to try to prevent opportunities we said we wanted to create. And in the f'ing end what I said held f'ing true. "How can you guarantee that anyone is going to make the team? Let's deal with it then." And yes, I ran interference. I wasn't true to them which meant I had to quit. As it was put to me, just because you didn't vote for Bush doesn't mean that while he's in office you're not an American. While I didn't argue it then because I didn't wish to be any more argumentative and hostile in that moment; I would have said, "It doesn't mean that I have to act like the American that put the mofo in office either."

And it doesn't mean I supported the other stuff to make sure "things happened" in a certain way. I was f'ing confused. This being a selfless person can put you in a bind. I compromised who I am during the process and I didn't realize how much I internalized the bullshit that wasn't mine until I walked toward my car daze like at the end of the youth slam.

I don't blame anyone. Blame is not an issue. Honesty was, and still is the issue for me. And i wasn't honest to the person who meant the most. ME. I would like to go on record saying I wasn't true to any one person, as much as I tried to be true to me. And in the end, I lied to myself in order to go on.

So what I am most grateful for is the patience that G.O.D. granted to me through others during my confusion. I also would like to thank that same good orderly direction for lessons I learned throughout this process.

Neo Stand UP!!!

Last night was off the mofokin chain... 'nuff said

do you now what today is?

It's Our Anniversary

Thanks June and Herm....

Neo - Soul five years strong!

An Oldie

conversations
"I mean, what would you do if you woke up the next morning and thought God was dead?".paraphrasing the work of Mr. Zell Miller, III Austin Slam Team 2005, 2006
She sat in darkened room, lightening shattered the depression that swelled inside her bosom. memories and ghosts from her past, sat stilled in the shadows."ah've known lil' peace, an' piece a' min' iza lux'ry ah can't a'ford. 'specially win ah done bounce da check owed from yesti'deys washed out dreams." i felt her noose of despair, regret and tears cut close against my neck. the sting jarred me back into the reality of the moment. silenced by betrayed voices, i sat paralyzed dodging her words. and her story. as if they were bullets threatening my life. the core of my existence. dodging, in fear, that one day, her story may be my own..."win ah die, dere may be tin, 'leven peoples at da fune'ral, dat's iffin dey ain't altready dead. mostly family. so ah guess ah'll be cremated." she chuckles eerily at the reality of her statement. "babee, ah have lived mah life 'n fear, 'n wile, ah don't pity mah'self fo' da de'cisons ah've made, at times ah'm, 'shamed. ah see it 'n yer face. chile, now, dontcha go feelin' sorry fa me. ah'm ma ole wo'min. ah've lived mah life. ah'm notta lonely wo'min. lone'ness iz ah state ah' min'. an' ah ain't got dat state 'n mah min'. jus' yit. always had mah thangs, ya know, mah share. ah've lived. even if 'n fear. ah've lived. ah've had family, friends an' love at dif'rent times 'n mah life. but mah bigges' struggle wuz jus' learnin' ta luv me. could nevah quite git dat one dere r'aight. life will giv' ya many 'speriences, ya jus' have ta chose da right lessin... sumthin', ah've nevah bin good at babee, sumthin'.... ah've, nevah bin good at. learnt much too late fa my likein', das ahl." she turns slightly to her left, allowing her voice to journey along the dust tracks to the corner of the small room. there rests shattered colors and scar tissue framed neatly along top a dresser. she smiles softly in their direction with conflicted solace. i am unable to recognize her seemingly affectionate gaze, as one of my own. yet, the feeling overwhelmed me."ah don't 'no if it wuz upbringin', loss, 'r gain dat taut me mos'. az a child, ah los' jus' 'bout ev'rythin', an' ev'ryone dat i believed evah luv me. dey simply walk out or died. an', let me tellya, don't let noone tellya dere's a difference. 'cuz it ain't. ah learnt dat peoples leave early 'n mah life. ah also learnt dat dey will dis'point ya. seem like leavin' an' dis'pointment wuz mo' like family den mah blood kin. so ah learnt real quick notta put too much stock 'n peoples. dat iffin ya wont anydang 'n dis here life, you hafta learn ta git it fo' yo'self. gots to be 'n control. gotta muddie yer feets, and callous yer hands.. 'cept, late' on, win ya ole like me, ya learn ya can't control nothin' sides you.. 'less, course ya willin' to fight. an' ah ain't nevah bin no fighta... ah'd like ta thank ah would iffin ah had ta.. ah'd put up a good front. ah'd stay, but 'n mah heart ah'd quit a long time 'go... guess, win it came r'aight down ta it.. nuthin' wuz really evah worff fightan' fo. guessin' das why noone evah really fot fa' me, ah rekon. ain't nevah fot fo' no man or wo'min fa dat matta. and chile, ah have a thurst. ah'm ma thrusty fa luv, lil like mos thrusty fa watta. bin dat wey since ah wuz a chile. guessin' no ma uh do dat der ta ya. so's ah lookit 'n otha peoples. neva made me fill no betta tho. guessin' dats why ah nevah had no chilin'. too hart fa 'em. me bein' dey ma an' all. an' ain't gone keep naw man 'roun' fah long e'ter.. hehehe.. peoples jus' git on mah nervs sumtime babee. but, ah've a'wayz bin thusrty fa luv. sumone ta luv me. so's one haz nevah bin 'nuff. seem likes dey sey one thang den do anutha. imma take careovya. imma do dis. imma do dat dere. an' me, well. ah starts out wit da bes' intentions, but ain't bin no good at finishin'. so we bof en' up not happy. and ah. well, like ah sed, ah needed mo. dat's all ah'll sey 'bout dat. guess, tho, jus' learnt it'z betta to be 'lone. ah ain't gone be lonelee wit sum damn body layin' up 'n mah bed. jus' learnt ya don't need no body but ya'self. Das' all ya really have 'n da en', jus' you an' God.'"thunder cracked, breaking my trance. i lay in cold sweat. in fear, i place my hand across my neck to feel the dampness of the welt from her noose.

Keep Your Head Up: Chaka Khan

When your heart is free.
It’s easy to make a decision.
When your head is clear.
You know you have good judgement
But when your life is turning topsy turvey
And you have no reasons for what’s disturbing
Remember these words my father said to me
He said: Keep your head up don’t say you love him (Keep your head)
Walk away from all that has hurt you (Find your power)
Find your power you know your strong
Make that step and it will help you along
When your mind's at peace (at peace)
Sleep comes so very peacefully
When you start to dream
They are wonderful and so very sweet
But when your life is turning topsy turvey
And you have no answers for what’s disturbing
Remember these words a preacher said to me
He said: Keep your head up don’t say you love him (Keep your head up)
Walk away from all that is hurting (Find your power)
Find your power you know your strong (Take that step)
Make that step and it will help you along
Why give up this time you can win (You can win)
Why give up this battle is within (Is within)
Why stay when you don't know what he's gonna do
Why choose him when its time to choose you
Keep your head up don’t say you love him
Walk away from all that is hurting
Find your power you know your strong
Make that step it will help you along
Keep your head up

Funky Mike and I are EXPECTING!!!!!!

YOU TO COME OUT AND SUPPORT!!!!!

Missing In Action; Don't think I ain't grateful

01) a home to run to: beautiful brown eyes and strong arms to hide in and forget the insanity around me....

02) going with you to find your new home and watching you grab your piece of the world! i can say i knew you when...

03) finding unsettling solace in silence only to remember i have a voice and a choice.

04) a wonderful lesson in knowing we can never go back there again. i think you may be stuck with me. sister friends forever, huh?

05) a quote texted to me last Thursday night.

06) sitting in the scorching heat last Friday afternoon with my father:brother:man and his fam. TWEET WE SAW A GIRL RUN AN 11.15!!!! and speaking of the heat, aren't we glad i borrowed the paper towels from the Women's restroom.

07) a poetry dinner that reminded of somethings.. and showing me that i have indeed grown the hell up. thanks JOSH!!!!!!!

08) the discovery of SIMONE... Dang Nina, Lisa Celeste is the BOMB (ears and eyes).

09) not blowing my top when in "tipsiness" he thought he was telling em something I didn't know.

10) that she trusts me enough...

11) remembering the words "in the beginning." because we can all start over, and for those who want to remind you where you once were, tell them they could always join you. 'cuz only an ass would hate on you for growing... for real....

12) happiness, did i say that already? i'm learning to find it through tears, 'cuz at least i care enough to hurt, and damn it i can feel so that means i'm alive? right?



and you know there is no 13...only G.O.D. good orderly direction thanks for your continued guidance and blessings....

Lessons on Silence continued from Monday

"In the end, we will remember the silence of our friends." Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
I'm sorry I let you down. This is a difficult lesson and a jagged pill to swallow.

"You're silence will not protect you." Audre Lourde
Some one told me that you never see a fish on the wall with his mouth closed. So I thought.. well, it doesn't matter what I thought. It's what I didn't say that matter most.

"As we must account for every idle word, so must we account for every idle silence." Benjamin Franklin
I am accountable.

Poetry You Matter... There. I said it.

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." Martin Luther King, Jr.
when all is said and done, perhaps someone will remember, in the beginning, in the beginning, in the beginning there was the "WORD" and it was good. while my pen is dry, heart beat indifferently numb, i still remember when it was good. and damn it was so good.

Monday's Wisdom

"the way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice."

Proverbs 12:15

i have found that in my times of true insanity, i can always find someone to validate my thoughts and feelings. the true test of wisdom is to branch out and seek counsel from someone who: 1) has nothing to gain from my insanity and 2) is not seeking anything from me in return to validate my insanity. we can make anything we do or think, just and right; however, the most difficult task is dealing with the consequences of seeking and acting upon it. even more daunting is the recognition and acceptance that when it all falls a part, the fool is in fact, you.

Stacye!!!!

CONGRATULATIONS GRADUATE!!!

YOU ARE NO LONGER AN LVN.

My Younger Sister Stacye was pinned and is now an RN!!!

YOU GO GIRL!

Where I Am

Let's see. This year has been so f'ingtastic. For real. Five months into the year, I honestly believe I am gracefully facing those things that are most important, and how I would love to be remembered. Prayerfully, anyway. I mean, okay, let's say this is a five month thankful list. Not in any order.

• Say Anything Open Mic and Under 21 Youth Slam. They are the polar opposites of each other, yet, if you are to be an instrument of change you must strive to make that which exists better. In addition, be willing to step out and create the proto-type of what you believe to be the future. So what Mike and I have is an open mic for youth, driven by youth. I mean a youth will host! A youth will DJ (if we can find someone)! Youth will feature! (with the occasional youth driven adult). There will be words, music and mayhem! For real. I AM SOOOOO EXCITED. Did I say I was EXCITED!!!!
• My Community of Fam. Like, I have created a bond with the Phil Jackson of Slam Poetry. And I love 'im to freaking death. I mean he is selfless in his drive to improve the divide within the poetry community and helping youth through cultural exposure and expression of self. My domino/card partner, am so glad things are starting to fall into place. For real. Never again. My Poet in Law. Yes, you will always be that. Thick and thin. Angel/Eb. You already know. G.O.D. gave me a sister from another Grandmuther, and a beautiful, sassy ass, driven niece. Cousin, just because you're MIA don't mean nothing. Find you. We all need to get away sometime. My trees. No we don't talk much don't mean a thang, we got it like that. HA! Ms. Jackson. Thanks for reminding me it's okay to dream and go after it. Langston, Lovie. KA. Fight like fam, love like fam, will always be just that, FAM. MASONS. Nothing else said. Copa. F'ing blogger world. Who would have known? Yes, I am that big sis to you my brother. Thanks for the trust and love. Element, thanks for giving me to fall in love words all over again. Angie (the freeness!), Shameless, Faye and Dave. Thanks for your words, humor and friendship. K.O.R.I.M. and Knowetic... HAHAHAHA why couldn't I be 18? C.M.B. Sr. (yea, I know your initials) and Crowtrain I pray I get to know you guys better. You are men among boys. For real. Good, bad, sad, mad or indifferent. You each and everyone of you are a big part of my life, and it wouldn't be the same journey without any of you.
• MY ELM. You'd kill me if I said too much. So that's all I will say. Except for this. "Hey..."
• Poetry, you are like an unfaithful lover. I can't let you go.
• Self. I am finding me again. A long journey, but it feels good to be in one's skin, loving what I see and feel.
• For not taking ______ into this year. For real, Angel that has to be the most powerful and refreshing mantra...
• Thy will be done.... For real, letting go of things I cannot control.
• My lane... and oh, my gosh how smooth the ride.
• Spirituality.. My quest is yielding some mad crazy results.

There is no 13.... I now introduce my self as (you know my government name). I came up with 13 a few years ago, because I suffered some serious losses. Losses I didn't think I could ever get past. I think by giving myself that name, I may have subconsciously created an energy that I didn't want.

I feeling good with k.i.(a)m. Cuz no matter what I want to keep it appropriately moving. For real.

There may be some life in poetry after all....

last night I went to my now second favorite venue in the ATX. THE VORTEX. i love spoken and heard (my favorite!!), my man, joe bizzle's joint. u can hear anything there! no seriously! it has that very creative vibe, makes you want to write atop napkins and shyt. it's free of egos, it's youthful, vibrant, expressive. i mean it just is..

so last night, i went to zell's venue. and i was like oh!my! gosh! i forgot how cool the vibe! i mean you have to know zell, really well. his venue doesn't represent the high energy he brings as an artist, it is best expressed through his love for the words and his craft. you can see it on his mile wide face. if you've ever seen him smile, under that scruffy moustache and beard dude's smile is beautifully warm and melting. for real! and those who know him knows he can become PRETTY DAMN passionate about what he loves. yet, it is absolutely refreshing to watch him fall in love all over again with just listening to poetry and chilling... for real. the features, well you already know. austin won't hurt for courageous voices for a very long time. believe me. they actually epitomized the energy in the room. just two dudes (maple sap and i an't got a sweet tooth for that!)

and it reminded me of why i started writing. and the hunrgy word loving crew i came up with. it reminded me of b's living room and dining area, before poetic house parties. back then yora was no different then harlem world new york. the renaissance (zora and langston) bleeker st. (baldwin and hansberry) or the black arts movement (sanchez, nikki and elderidge).

it reminded me of why i write.

If this is my last, let it be a prayer,
as in that first day.
when we were formless and empty.
when light was separated from darkness.
earth from water.
substance from pretense.
when you graced purity upon lips
holiness in spirit
and we exhaled your praise.
a burnt offering
placed at our feet
sacrificing all that you knew
to be true.
you removed prose from your soul
as rib from man,
scriptures from the apostles

monday wisdom

... I learned that this, too, is a chasing after the wind. For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief.

Ecclesiastes 1:17-18.

never strive to know anyone better then you know yourself. yet always count on them to be true to themselves, as you, too, shall be true to you.

Everything is exactly the way it should be...

I often wonder how some people can walk away from a life they've always known. Some do it angrily, suggesting that they cannot continue. Can't live with the embarrassment, pain or shame. They simply run, only to run into themselves moments, days, weeks, months, or maybe years later. Others walk away dignified. They do so fearlessly, with grace and class. They look life in the eye and ask "what's next?" Say a simple prayer, "Thy will be done." Inhale deeply. "SNIFFFFF". Exhale exuberantly. "WHOOOOOO." And look forward to the possibilities of all that is possible.

I want to be one of those people.

No I am one of those people.

goodbye....

many thanks

01) i feel lighter, free....
02) jazz, wine, poetry and team-mate/friends.
03) that she is growing into her own. public speaking, well deserved accolades, and job interviews. prayerfully love is on her horizon as well. she deserves it all.
04) incrEBONY. that one word to describe you. Good job acting in the play, I hate you had to be that hussie! (LOL) and you are doing that thing teacher teacha!
05) the board and devotion to a mission. i will give of myself this year, selflessly.
06) a well written, beautifully directed play! you are very talented. and not that you need it, but I am proud you stepped out on YOUR faith, and taught us all a lesson in following our dreams. i am happy to have witnessed your arrival, and can say i was there for the first run!
07) Saturday doing nothing and everything every moment with you.
08) can you SAY ANYTHING!!!!!
09) HIS PROMO! Miss Cellie, he'z da boss now!!!!
10) okay, i can say i witnessed 4 slam champs.... for real.
11) new found love for reading. I HAVE TIME ON THE PLANE!
12) phone calls to my Dad.
13) Good Orderly Direction. keeping it moving.

menu: pan seared tilapia, seafood stuffing, with a beautiful mixture of wax beans, green beans and parisienne carrots. jazz. wine. brown eyes and a smile. a great send off. be back tomorrow.

My Hair....

It was said that the wearer lived a "dread" life or a life in which he feared God, which gave birth to the modern name 'dreadlocks' for this ancient style......

My hair meant, and still means a lot to me. I just needed to make a change in my life. I had begun to make significant changes in my life, all for the better; however, I still lacked the spirituality needed in order to become whole. That idea of G.O.D. fearing has not sunk in. I still believe I can control other people, places and things. I believed that I had forgiven people and forgotten things, I hadn't. I've been better with my tongue, yet I'm not where I want to be. I needed to let some things go. Begin to cleanse my surroundings and the TEMPLE called ME.... Desperately wanting change, and wanting a statement to solidify that change I decided to cut away the last three years of my life. Not wanting to change or forget any of those moments. I want to learn from those years and make better future choices. I made some rather interesting choices and while, things seem okay and going well, I have a few regrets... And for a lack of imagination, I could not wash them out of my hair... Couldn't let go.

I needed to do the unthinkable, the unimaginable. let go and pray. I wanted Cassandra Wilson locks since the day I saw hers, and damn if I wasn't on my way! Yet you have to make sacrifices in order to grow. I want to live up to my potential. I still have my eyes on many prizes. The spiritual, physical and mental.

The hair cut wasn't thought out, I just did it. Now the weight. Putting down the extras that I use to make me "feel" better. Do not allow people, things or substance to fill voids only G.O.D. can fill. Another life lesson.

I love everyone's attention, and acknowledgement of the new do. I want to change, protect me, and set healthy boundaries...

With that being said... no offense, but let's keep our hands to ourselves and out of my hair.

Please...

Another sister and I were talking about it, and I am flattered that it seems, ugh, touchable... Yet, it's kind of like touching my ass... And I would never want you to do that unless we were intimate. Some of you will know what I'm talking about, some of you won't...

But I pray for simple overstanding. I do not want to have to deal with anyone being offended by my request. Or believing they are different.

Okay? This isn't to any one person. It's not directed at anyone. It is a public announcement.

love you all....

Light, Sassy and Grateful... It's only Hair

01. cutting off the last three years, sometimes you have to let go, in order to move forward...

02. remembering that i don't have to take A DAMN THING I DON'T WANT into my ____ year!

03. mike whalen. truly, i pray our friendship is one for the ages! you represent all that I hope to be. honorable, honest, trustworthy, and f'ing adorable.

04. for being that SISTAH... you know, the one you don't believe you are. You are humbly REG'LAR. And I love you for that!

05. for my beige Sister. Yes, I pray we continue to grow together. Thank you for continuing to stretch and grow beyond that cocoon, those trees, those clouds, that horizon.

06. for the Sisters I miss... The Trees. Magnolia and Mahogany.

07. Niecey do that there.

08. For your e-mail, you have always been able to step out of you and do for others. Yes. You already know.

09. For standing firm in my beliefs and convictions. Know what, we got our own thing. NOW WHAT! What!!

10. Say Anything.. Coming Soon..

11. A G.O.D. that is truly patient, loving and kind. You manifest yourself in (my choices, ELM, family and friends) all that is good and orderly, directing my life.

12. a hella writing exercise with hella writers.

13. my Baby.... yes, even though I cut three years, it does not represent us. it represents all that I have to let go, in order for us to move forward (individually and collectively). i pray we continue to walk this path together.

random and grateful

• that i have people in my life i love enough to be disappointed in and with.
• that i'm old enough to recognize when enough is enough.
• while there is no such thing as fair, i work at being firm in what i believe is fair.
• to know that in the end it's about who can piss the longest.
• there is no i in team, but when you want to make it about you, it does become "me, me, me."
• when do you recognize that some friendships no matter how close, will only equal pain.
• and when you recognize it, and know it to be true, when do you walk away.
• thanks G.O.D. i've put on my shoes and know where the door is.
• there will always be words even when there is no stage.
• that i don't have children and i don't have to teach them about poor choices and disappointment.
• that i am not a bitter adult, just a bitter board member, team member, friend and mentor.
• that today, i am letting go of some of the negative energy that plagues me.
• good orderly direction.
• those beautiful brown eyes.
• and friends that don't put me in fck'd up awkward positions to prove points and stroke egos.

THE SLAM SCENE

SUCKS!

For You 6!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JUNE!!!!!!

neo soul sistah!!!

FAMILTRY
(a poet’s family tree)

Nikki promised that life and love would be like cotton candy on a rainy day…the sweet soft essence of possibility never quite maturing….
My cotton candy is drenched with bitterness and sorrow, the sticky residue remains on my hands, a reminder, ensuring
I will always remember the soulful inflection of my inner being and my quest to become the WOMAN that lies deep inside of me.
The blue sky with Ntokake’s rainbow of sassafras, cypress and indigo dancing in Audre’s winds of orisha, are now a distant memory.
My sky, clouds, rainbow, and cool breeze which used to brush softly across my cheeks,
Have disappeared, forcing me inside, to play childish games like chutes and ladders and hide and go seek.
That sky, that brilliant sky, has been replaced with a translucent marble ceiling, fencing and closing me in.
Langston warned that life ain’t no crystal stair, but I was young, believed I knew it all, and just didn’t bother to listen.
I thought about Sonia’s home coming, her knowledge and teachings on how the world views a sister with a strong voice.
(Homegirls and handgrenades, they often called us.)
‘Cuz in love and life a sister’s gotta keep her mouth closed, be happy that she has a man or a job, and no matter what, don’t put up a fuss and don’t dare cuss.
Georgia and I talked about lost illusions, the heart of a woman, and how I wanted to die while he still loved me.
You see, I never wanted to know or experience in my lifetime the day he and I were to declare our love was never meant to be, a simple fantasy….
As Paul’s negro love song played in the background, I understood, in that moment why he could never love me endlessly and completely.
“Herritage” Countee once said. “Contributes to the Loss of Love for a poet.” The words, profound, as black love and respect were destroyed during the boat ride from Africa to slavery.
I am my ancestor’s eyes, but we all have a story to tell, cuz black folk are poets, prophets, lyrist, satirist, creators of lifestyles, prose, and song.
Zora advised me to be proud, stand on the shoulders of the people who came before me, so my eyes would always be watching God. I don’t think her words were wrong.
Gwendolyn and James laughed at my naivety, as we sang a song in the front yard on Beale St. with the rest of the family.
Etheridge smiled, and simply stated, “Baby girl, when you feel you have no one else, you can always come home, sit under the familtry and ponder on the idea of ancestry.

kdtaylor, october 14, 2004

A Cold Piece...

You Sent Me Flying

from the CD FRANK

Lent you outsidaz and my new Badu

while I was thinking you didn't have a clue

tough to sort files with your voice in my head

So then I bribed you downstairs with a malboro red

so now I feel so small discovering you knew

How much more torture would you have put me through?

you probably saw me laughing at all your jokes

or how I did not mind when you stole all my smokes

And although my pride is not easily disturbed

you sent me flying when you kicked me to the kerb

With you battered jeans and your beastie tee

Now I can't work like this with you next to me

And although he is nothing in the scheme of my years

it just serves to blugdeon my futile tears

And I'm not use to this, I observe, I don't chase

So now I'm stuck with consequences, thrust in my face

And the melodramas of my day delivery blows

that surpass your rejection it just goes to show

a simple attraction that reflects right back to me

so I'm not as into you as I appear to be

And although my pride's not easily disturbed

you sent me flying when you kicked me to the kerb

With you battered jeans and your beastie tee

Now I can't work like this with you next to me

His message was brutal but the delivery was kind

maybe if I get this down I'll get it off my mind

It serves to condition me and smoothen mi kinks

despite my frustation for the way that he thinks

and I knew the truth, when it came, would be to that effect

At least you're attracted to me which I did not expect

didn't think you get my number down and such

but I never hated myself for my age so much

And although my pride's not easily disturbed

you sent me flying when you kicked me to the kerb

With you battered jeans and your beastie tee

Now I can't work like this with you next to me

amy winehouse/felix howard

Butterfly....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

MICHELLE DESIREE!!!!!

EVAN!!!!!!

Happy Earth Day Copa-stetic Soul....

april fools

I am not a fan of april fool's day. i made two very important decisions on April 1, both proved to make me the butt of the joke.

• i started a new job (juvenile probation officer): it lasted six months. i did really well, enough for a manager in the Field Office to want to hire me after my 6 months probation. My Boss found out about it and was furious! Despite exemplary reviews at 60 and 180 day review periods, she decided I needed additional time and would not take me off probation. She later said, "she was tired of hiring quality people, and the Field Offices lured them away." The short of it, I quit, after a long administrative process, which would have placed me at a Junior High School near the West Dallas Projects.
• Signed paper work for my House: Ugh, asked my ex Craig to move out less then 8 months later, and well, the rest is history.

So today i will not make any real decisions, as I don't want to be made a fool of.

stuff

My weekend has been one of growth and revelation... some randomness

you'd be surprised how much bullsh is brewing in your midst, even when you don't participate. some how, some one will always drag you into their mess....

for someone who doesn't have a lot, and is always needing someone's assistance, you sure have a lot to say. i like you a lot, i think you're funny, but it won't stop me from kindly putting my foot in your ass. despite my smile and friendly overtures, i know you are a vicious gossip. kind warning, you have one more time to tell someone what you THINK is going on in my house. (ladies chill, this time it's a man full of bitchassness)

slam brings out the worst in people. if you can slam 5 days out of the week, why would ANYONE, especially you, rob a kid (someone dependent upon their parent) of the opportunity to perform and possibly win? by the way, you knocked your boy out of finals.

people will indeed take your kindness for a weakness.

slam brings out the worst in people II, i truly hate and did not feel good about "burn" this past weekend. it felt more like defeat, than victory.

i am really torn about slam this year. i want the opportunity to hang with the neo-soul fam, yet i feel burned by the b/s that transpired last year, equally disgusted with the "comments" that were made about me, and that genuine feeling that i really can't and shouldn't trust "all" the people i am suppose to call team mates.

at what point do you decide to terminate your relationship because you feel unfullfilled, unloved, not supported, validated, and valued?

at what point to do you consider pursuing a relationship that offers the promise of being loved, supported, validated, and valued?

at what point does someone say, "I can't forgive you, and we'll never be the same?"

can you tell people what to post on their blogs? I mean people make assumptions that they now what's going on in your life by the words on your blog and the sense of familiarity they have with you.

is it fair to call people out on your blog?

at what point can you say the things you write are personal, since your posts are available for everyone to see.

at what point do you intervene in a situation that you know is hurting your friend, and in fact, you have begun to hurt for them as well?

i've exhausted my good music.

the writing lab was cool, yet, i'm still not comfortable with writing in groups.

at what point do you draw the line with rules, i mean, people have been pretty f'ing shady around slam rules, and taking people for granted. i did a search, and you know what, there are no rules posted by most slams...

that they are constantly sending e-mails to us about attending their slam. famous last words "if you guys did it on thursday nights we'd totally support you?" well, um, we've been doing it on thursday for over 7 months and we still only see the people who supported us when we did it on wednesdays...

should i take a free ticket, just cuz?

as a people we're too nice, i bet most of us will be there tuesday, and invite someone to tag along.

a line from my poem: "Recognize that in
my humiliating silence
I drank rancid cups
of minding my business and letting you down.
And the sprinkling of
encouragement, love, and well wishes
didn’t make it any sweeter.
I just wanted to keep you afloat until one day you'd reach your shore. "

i don't care who you vote for, but as a woman, I think it's pretty insulting to find how we are willing to degrade one another. A car driven by a woman, obviously owned by a woman had the following bumper sticker, "life's a bitch, why elect one." dang.....

i'm glad i talked to him. we're on even ground.

grateful....

01) it SNOWED....... snow welcomed us there and bid us a farewell...
02) traveling with the one you love..
03) coming home. man i missed our bed.
04) goofy text messages upon landing... you never gave me the NUMBER!!!
05) hanging with the two bestests.
06) the neo team..... it's a good look.
07) your happiness....
08) my no bitchassness shirt.
09) performing for Baby Hustle's class. I was honored.
10) realizing my life in slam has been reborn through the Youth Slam.
11) realizing I am really okay with being an open micker and not a slammer..
12) those beautiful brown eyes...
13) those who i call and honor me in return with the title friend. what could i do without you?

bonus... good orderly direction.

leaving on a jet plane.. don't know..

in three hours we board a plane. i can't wait.....

in the last six i have managed to do everything i would have liked. i almost lived as if there was no tomorrow.. and i'm happy.

• i slammed for fun, not for any other reason, and guess what i had FUN!
• my life is in perspective. i see clearly all that i need to see.
• witnessed a win that was well deserving..
• witnessed a come back, that made me speechless...
• sat on the floor and listened to poets from and with my heart and not my ears...
• laughed until it hurt.
• stood in awe at the dawn of love
• welled and teared inside at it's sunset..
• goofed with the bestest two in the world.
• g.o.d. birthed me another sister...
• got my bitchassness t-shirt..
• made a decision in that moment that i could never go back. returning to what was is not what this life is about. it's simply about moving to what will be. AND i will be in MADISON for you, you, you, you and you!
• chelle, b-fran, trey, element, and mike whalen.... we are connected by a moment in time I HOLD DEAR in my life. chelle and b i apologize for not being FEARLESS ENOUGH to return.

thanks...,

01) day business trips....
02) those brown eyes
03) our airport encounter... rugged..
04) a vacation..
05) my ex bro in law's wedding, hanging with my sis, seeing my nephew.. and my gosh.. picture later.
06) watching the looks on people's faces when they realized my sister was attending her ex-husband's wedding..
07) her being as happy as my new play sister.. (my ex bro in law's new wife)
08) my wedding date..... NO NOT A DAY TO GET MARRIED
09) ice cube on saturday
10) our horton hear's a who date......
11) last minute lunches at mangia..
12) plucking missing you...
13) being reminded of why we will always be l and z....

g.o.d. for giving the strength, patience and wisdom to hold my tongue and watch my words.
pps. my date with the cutest nerd ever....

I had to go back to the basics....

"The Sneetches"
"The Zax"
"Too Many Daves"
"What Was I Scared Of?"

Teaches about:

discrimination

snobbery

insecurities

consumerism

valuing individuality

compromise

being afraid of those unlike you

and the mystery of being able to stand up alone.... (the boy was afraid of a pair of pant that stood on their own)

i learned these lessons as a child.

the sneetches and other stories are one of my favorite books. has been since i was able to read. my all time favorite cartoon special. i used to use this book to teach drug addicts and criminals how to live in a pro-social society. am learning that it really should be taught to most. i think i may get it for you.

it was the 13th

So you shot craps. Know what? You almost did it. Operative word. ALMOST.

thanks...,

01) i so love my life right now
02) nightly reading
03) turkey chili
04) great week of politics
05) the smile she brings to his eyes...
06) last week's host (goofy fun)
07) every breath
08) the job is tough, learning to deal with another type of woman.....
09) the discovery of bitchassness.....










10) no poems in the heart and mind, but i'm loving words anyway...
11) i miss you two..... (BOO), but isn't it great to have "girls" to miss?
12) discovering you all over again.
13) and being okay with what you've found in me....
bonus.. good orderly direction.

BITCHASSNESS....

What the hell are they thinking? A PARTY divided.... It's too early to want to know who's gonna be on top. Just agree to do it together.... At this rate I may vote for McCain.

And to top it off:

Geraldine Ferrero?

Re-Votes in Florida?

Mary Ann busted with weed? Mary Ann?

Ginger, yes. Mary Ann, hell2danaw.

Who has the EGO? No Super Ticket.

Funny most believed Hillary would be the person with the problem... Doesn't seem to be the case. I understand he has the delgates and the States. BUT NOT THE STATES THAT WIN ELECTIONS!
below: Yahoo news.....
COLUMBUS, Miss. - Democrat Barack Obama ridiculed the idea of being Hillary Rodham Clinton's running mate Monday, saying voters must choose between the two for the top spot on the fall ticket.
The Illinois senator used his first public appearance of the week to knock down the notion that he might accept the party's vice presidential nomination. He noted that he has won more states, votes and delegates than Clinton so far.
"I don't know how somebody who is in second place is offering the vice presidency to the person who is first place," Obama said, drawing cheers and a long standing ovation from about 1,700 people in Columbus, Miss.
Saying he wanted to be "absolutely clear," he added: "I don't want anybody here thinking that somehow, 'Well, you know, maybe I can get both.' Don't think that way. You have to make a choice in this election."
"I am not running for vice president," Obama said. "I am running for president of the United States of America."

3:00 am (at this rate.....)

"we're sorry you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service, if you feel you have reached this recording in error, please check the number or dial your call again."

i once had plans for the super ballot. i now fear this "it's 3:00 am bullsh..." has given credibility and life to the whole "terrorist/suicide" voting tactic.

two sensible people slowing giving into their biggest fear...

i agree with andy rooney, "why would anyone want to be president? especially now."

thankful one day late...

01) finding new love in your old love.
02) monday night perfection.
03) I am a delegate for my Precinct!. 0202 Represent.
04) Hilliary WON! and the possibility of the Democratic process being fully implemented in my LIFETIME. Let the People Speak.
05) Hints of the Superticket Hill-RAC or RAC-Hill. I don't care. Just give me back the FREEDOM AND PRIDE ASSOCIATED WITH AMERICAN PATRIOTISM!
06) birthday lunch and our discussions... You really are my sister from another Grandmother...
07) intelligence that allowed me to be torn between the two Candidates.
08) every breath, every day.
09) that he shared his good news with us. Glad you talked to him.
10) Love Me Sexy.... Will Farrell is the man!
11) G.O.D. is teaching me valuable lessons and I am reaping hella rewards.
12) that my friends are healthy, living, and growing.
13) hosting with B-Fran.... I was sick as heck, but it was fun fun fun... below: an altered picture of the night... thanks bizzle.


bonus - hanging out at the light bar, listening to tje and the band, getting my butt whipped in pool at lance's bar, and wanting to hang out longer, but the sickness took over me...

Obama Love

A picture says a thousand words. Tough night.

Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History...

So tonight I attended my District's caucus. It was electric. I of course, was one of FEW, HRC supporters. I did win a Delegate selection. I am STOKED! To participate in the Government process in, what appears to be a historic democratic process.

It is bitter sweet. I wanted to vote for both. In the end, it was really, as I've said all along in the details. I couldn't vote for someone because he shares "some of my pigmentation" nor could I vote for someone because we are both women. Boo to those who believe she cannot run the country because some Countries still hate and have no respect for women. She's battling that here in the US! Have you seen some of the ads? Listened to the commentary? it's a sad day to be an intelligent, can do woman?

It is also a sad day for HIM. He's being criticized for being the epitome of the core of who we are as Black/African Americans. To be gracious in the face of contempt and criticism. The man is not SOFT. He has class. Something lacking in the American Public. I pray they get it together. The BA-Hill ticket would be off the CHAIN. For real....

Neo Birth

Happy Birthday

LALOVE!!!!

Moboma vs Billary

01) Michelle Obama isn't any less ambitious then Hillary Clinton was during Bill's Presidential Campaign.

02) Michelle Obama is also Barack's closest advisor, which is good for a marriage, but when it comes to bedroom discussion about running the country, I think Bill is better suited.

03) Michelle and Hillary were both born in Chi-Town (that would make KA happy.)

04) Michelle is an earth sign and Hillary's a water sign, so they would make a great lesbian couple running the White House well together.

05) And if you're offended by number 4, think about the latest poll. A woman can be viewed as competent or well-liked but never both.

06) So while Michelle is busy rolling eyes and sucking teeth, she's not viewed any different then Hillary, So if Hill's a Bitch that makes her the _____ Bitch.

07) I'm just sayin'.

08) Barack's a Leo. A fire sign...

09) Bill's a Virgo, Leo cusp.

10) Consequently, you know Virgo is the only sign represented by a Female? Kind of like his Presidency was marked by a female.

11) Virgo is an earth sign... At least Hillary knows how to deal with them.

12) Both Bill and Obama fathers' died in car accidents.

13) Obama and Hillary have spouses who speak before they think.

i guess there is really little difference between the two families. as is with the presidential campaigns. but there is.

i guess what i'm saying is this. don't allow your race, ethnicity, gender, celebrities, hype, a good sounding speech, momentum or some fcking music video (sorry jo) sway your vote. a week or so ago in dallas, when i declined to stand in line at the obama rally, an older black woman frowned upon me when i told her i was on the fence. i also told her if i had to vote today she wouldn't be happy with my response. she then scold me with "this is history, you may never get another chance." i mean really? i may never get another chance to vote for a woman either.

when it came down to it, i voted with my beliefs and values. yes, i know it's history, but i'm also old enough to know that history doesn't always yield good lessons. remember the boat ride? remember the civil rights?

i keep listening to the subtlety in the commercials, and would not be surprised if it weren't a republican financing them. best skilled and temperament? WDF? temperament? come on people. don't get me wrong. I LOVE OBAMA. and i know why they love obama. He's that "black friend everyone say's they have. remember he's so articulate, he speaks so well. but what are you really saying? and as my girl says, "is america really ready for michelle?"

i think if he and hill could get it together, then, that's a fcking ticket. in the end, there's still a political machine waiting for them in november. and i can only hope, that the hype continues til then. in our microwave world, i'm not sure if "everyone" will stay focused enough to remember what's needed most in november. SOLIDARITY!

Home with the flu, not in any order..

01) My nurse!!!!!
02) That you're dirty thirty and ain't taken _______ into your new year!!!!!
03) Moments of clarity.
04) Hosting the youth slam!!! I mean I love it. REALLY.
05) Him asking me to host. WOW! Like WOW. Sorry I was sick.
06) Moments that reminded me of how the poetry world used to be.
07) G.O.D. answering questions before they are asked.
08) Becoming a bit more humble.
09) Convos with him... Next lifetime and every lifetime. L n Z.
10) Hanging out at the door with ELM.
11) A new Badu that she hasn't opened yet.
12) That my women friends are moving patiently forward in careers, life and love (YOU ACED IT!)
13) KIM'S ROCK HARD!!!!! PERIOD!!!!

bonus) copa texts. voting early.

A switch

reading my coffee cup

the way I see it #279

"Beware of turning into the enemy you most fear. All it takes is to lash out violently at someone who has done you some grievous harm, proclaiming that only your pain matters in this world. More than against that person's body, you will then, at that moment, be committing a crime against your own imagination."

I got a call, actually several stalking like calls from an ex a couple of weeks ago. One could only imagine loving someone deeply only to have that love fade into disdain. To say hate would be strong. Let's just say, I learned later in life what we shared was not love in an adult sense. That actually, in the seven years we were in relationship, we made the shift from lovers to luvemies (lovers you love to hate). So to hear the voice only the other end of the line, sent eerie chills down my spine.

When I finally answered the phone, I said things that were cruel. And I can be pretty dang cruel. I meant every one of those things. I had grown way past polite many years ago when we departed. I mean, how many times can you break up with someone? At the time of our breakup, C (not Craig) caused me a great deal of pain. I had met Craig by now and was relatively happy in the semi dating phase with him. Initially, like most, I believed we could be friends. I never want to lose touch with someone I shared so much of my life with. Later, all I wanted was to part ways and fade desperately into oblivion. After I refused to contemplate a reconciliation, I received threatening phone calls at my home and place of employment. The places I frequented were invaded in an effort to "run into me". Any potential relationship I thought about entering into was quickly diminished as I was slandered in an effort to shame me back into our old circle of friends, patterns and relationship. Anyone who has ever had a horrific break-up would simply understand how I felt when I heard this, this person, this voice on the other end of my phone, oddly enough, wanting to be..... friends.

Then something else happened. I became of victim of frienvy. You know, a friend wanting what you have. I was pretty perturbed and angry about that. But the problem was we "really weren't friends anymore." I'm no so co-dependent and childish that we have to talk everyday. I have friends I speak to monthly, and we know almost everything going on in each others lives. But to call when you want something, when you need a hook-up/favor, when some thing's going wrong in your life, when you want to bum rush my plans with my friends, doesn't constitute friendship. I mean this person had grown, not into an enemy, but a frenemy. She walked that fine line, so the frienvy moment was the defining one.

Then, I was reminded of how loose some lips are... Don't believe what you hear and definitely be cautious of what you see. It's all deceiving. If it's not your life or your truth, don't repeat it. Another frenemy that would swear we were Fam.

And it went on and on and on....

But you know what I did. I turned off that switch. I turned off the "people are out to get you switch", and turned on the "live and let live switch".

I mean, it's so much more positive to see these things as:
Someone who once loved you is reaching out to you. You don't have to reach back.
Imitation can sometimes be the greatest form of flattery.
Wow, I am important and powerful. Talking about my minuscule problems frees others from the mundane obscurity of their own simple lives.

What a difference that switch makes! Because I have been that enemy that I most fear. And damn, I don't want that for myself, my family or my friends.

So today, I'm turning on that switch for me and asking all my friends to do so as well.

If you were closer, I'd hug you. I swear.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANGEL!!!!!!

superwoman, revisited.

she doesn’t know that I see her the way
she really wants to be seen;
feel her the way she really wants to be felt;
love her the way she really wants to be loved
like I love my sistesr… like I love myself
yet
she wears victoria’s secret like a masked marvel,
leaping buildings not yet constructed..
boundless
she wears explicit prose
draped ‘ round stiff collars
and fights demons
lurking in her shadowed
controlled movements..
she vieled in family secrets
real and imagined….
not realizing she does more harm to self
than any evil villian…
I wish I could write her wrongs
color her in hues long abandoned
but, In her youth she learned heroes
aren’t people or sandwiches
just bullshit
caught ‘tween wonder bread and miracle whip…
so she simply remains a wish
a healthy reminder for the family
to do and be more…
than what falls between
the cracks in ghetto sidewalks
colored in vibrant blood
spilled by those before her..
that basic color can’t capture or contain
the dreams that bleed past lines
there is no color for Invincible..
so She she uses strong blacks
to paint the woman she wants
everyone to see..
transparent to me
so she waits for a poem
that she doesn’t want to be written..
kdtaylor, 2007

Expectations, and no, I'm not an Alcoholic, but I play one on TV

Ordinarily today would be my grateful list; however, I am filled with something... Something I believe we all could learn from...

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today...... When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation unacceptable to me. Perhaps the best thing of all for me to remember is that my expectations are inversely proportional to my serenity. The higher my expectations of others are, the lower my serenity. I can watch my serenity level rise when I discard my expectations. But then my "rights" try to move in, and they too can force my serenity level down. I have to discard my "rights" as well as my expectations by asking myself "How important is it really?" The Big Book Online Fourth Edition, Acceptance Was the Answer.

The text goes on to discuss "Keeping my mind on acceptance and off my expectations, for my serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance." And lately, I've had difficulty accepting things, especially those things I believe I have the power to change. I have made myself believe that manipulation, kindness, anger, threats, gossip, love; even this blog would make people do what I want. Some people believe placing their hands on others in the form of violence will actually make someone do what they want. It doesn't. And often we are left angered, disappointed and hurt. More so, we believe thier unwillingness to change the "offensive/unwanted" behavior is direct attack against us. It isn't. It's just people being themselves. We are taught to be kind, but not door-mats. Anything socially above or below is deemed odd or deviant. Think about it when someone is too nice, we always ask what's the catch? What do you want? Right?

We are selfish and self seeking. It is in our nature. It isn't anything negative, however, we are taught that it is so. We never believe that acting in someone else's interest is against our nature. A perfect example is a person who stays in a marriage for the kids or stays in a relationship longer because they don't want to hurt the other person. It doesn't last odes it? You know why? Because it isn't natural to abandon your wants for someone else's. PERIOD. We can be thoughtful, respectful; often anything more is against our true nature. So no matter how much we think someone is doing something to and against us, they are really doing something for them self. When I am cut off on the road, the other driver is simply trying to go on their way, not block my way. And it is pretty damn arrogant of me (and I have been arrogant) to believe that the driver got up this morning just to cut me off. Mind you racing up to flicking him off and engaging in other "controlling behavior" is allowing your rights or expectations to get in the way. I mean "How dare he! I'll show him." You can discern which (rights or expectations) elicit the behavior.

The same thing is happening in my life, and with a few of my friends. I shared this with one, prolly more for me then the friend. Because I have had a problem with my expectations. An acquaintance recently purchased a car like mine. How do you go the Volkswagen lot looking for an Acura? Especially since that what you wanted, Baller. (Opps my rights kicked in.) She did not want a Volkswagen, by her own admission. But she drove off the lot with an older darker model then mine. Didn't give them my name so I could get my little referral fee. (Opps my expectations kicked in!) Initially I was furious, and those who know me, know how well my rights and expectations manifested themselves. Proudly, I didn't call the acquaintance. Truthfully, I don’t know why she bought the car, and I really don't care, anymore. I lost a full day complaining, thinking, and rationalizing her behavior. For example, you don't go buy another woman's shoes, clothes and purse to wear them around her. Why would you copy a major purchase? Anyway, you get the jest. At the end of the day, she was prolly just trying to get a good, reliable nice looking car (which it is). And this is only one area where acceptance of situations/people I can't change or control and it is driving me f'ing nuts.

I just hope that you are able to find some solace and hope in these words. Really. I applied this simple thing to my last relationship. It was prolly the healthiest relationship in regards to communication I've had in my entire life.

We separated our rights, unrealistic expectations, unspoken expectations, negotiations, and commitments. And when we were angry, upset or bothered we simply asked each other which is it you're most angry or upset about? And often we became angry about everything except: negotiations and commitments. Because we knew...

The anger was all about the expectations and rights. I'm working on abandoning them, as I follow a shared motto of not taking _______ into my ______ year!

So I'm learning to expect nothing and pray for everything (that I can handle of course...)

If you were closer I'd hug you. I promise.

my mind's checking in on me...

• okay, Angel, so i've flipped it. ain't it amazing that i am that trendsetter.
• it's f'd up, that a woman can spit a hella love piece in a slam and not make the grade, because the audience is predominatly a bunch of females looking to get mind-f'd or laid.
• that i wrote one hella piece and a half that i can't wait to memorize.
• that at the end of the day, i am def where i need to be, with whom i need to be with, and friends with the people that make me want to be and do better.
• that we evolved from the card/domino table to the WORLD. (ha!)
• that the poetry world with the kids is ABSOLUTELY THE MOST REWARDING.
• that after a couple of years our being raised by old folks has transcended into a lifelong thing. i know i ain't taking ______ into my _______ year.
• that even though i love mae lou, on days like today, i still miss hip hop.
• that he and him are STILL my bestest male friends.
• that they both find the love they deserve and that deserves them. (there is a HUGE DIFFERENCE).
• that middle girl finds the love baby girl has. it is amazing.
• that poetry is in my world, it isn't my WORLD.
• convos with the zen master, damn you are funny and she is soooooo blessed!
• i miss my magnolia!!!! monday lunches are not the same.
• that brooklyn is so damn far away, and it houses my two best female poetesses...
• that you don't hold my not texting against me.
• how i'm loving lupe and jill live....
• not going to see jill tonight or tomorrow... BOOOOOOOOO
• if you were close enough I'd hug you and tell you how much I miss you!
• and while it seems i'm much too busy, it never means i'm not thinking about you, wondering about you, and knowing that you're all good!
• that we don't have to talk everyday to know your still in my heart.
• ain't life f'ing grand!!!!!

grateful...

01) simple understanding.

02) complex understanding

03) friendship

04) forgiveness

05) knowing my lane and staying in it.

07) getting my buttt kicked in dominoes, yes, we all need a reminder that we are beautifully human.

08) the invitation from the two/raincheck? so glad we've grown together, see #1, #2 and # 3

09) the ability to talk to you about any damn thing, even though i didn't need a detailed report about which aisle you were on.

10) wanting what is generally best for those i love without any JUDGEMENT OR CONDITIONS. (damn I've grown!)

11) my new poems..

12) uncertainty

13) those beautiful brown eyes...

and as always the creator.......

We argue as careful
as the tick tock ticking of clocks.
Hate as desperately
as the geometrical indecision of raindrops.
We are time bombs, bombing
just out side the gates of utopia.
Soldiers aiming tech-nines filled with daffodils and daises,
in the face of belligerent peace.
We are a three armed, two headed, heartless atrocity,
wrapped in our nation’s flag exchanging blood for oil on a foreign soil.
We are the precursor of imagination imploding
under the weight of indecisive reason.
We are the implausible recollections
dying upon the incoherent babble of a schizophrenic…
We are the tired, hungry and poor betrayed by reason,
kneeling in prayer at the feet of political treason.
We are faint breaths grasping for life, defying death
clamoring from the lungs of those left for dead.
We are that spoiled, yet proverbial, spilt milk that
no one is crying for or over.
Because frankly the entire world
was fucked by a dick hidden in a bush.
We argue as careful clocks,
spewing similes and metaphors with the intense precision of an assassin.
Hate as desperately
as sweat atop the beaded brow of a
junkie holding a fix in one hand and an empty promise in the other.
We are suicide bombers disguised as bumbling heroes in cloaked
democracy and patriotism.
We are the veracity of a liar, a pointless oxymoron
a paradox at war with enslavement and subjugation.
We are a religion with no origin desecrating mosques, temples, synagogues
fearing what we can’t control and don’t wish to understand.
to be continued......
kdtaylor
section 8 coffee publication
all reights reserved