an open letter....

"one day, I will tell you I love you,
and you will mean it…
You will listen to the thoughtful whispers
exchanged between the stars and the moon,
search across the expanse,
to witness a constellation
become engulfed in an event horizon
leaving a vibrant prism of smoky hues
of lavenders and blues..
you see past the destruction
recognize it as a necessary beauty...
this beautiful disaster I see in you and me.."
excerpt from "a beaUtiful disaSter"
kdtaylor, 2009

I loved you before I could ever learn to love myself, again. I loved you when I was finding myself. me shattered and broken pieces scattered across life times - you placing them selflessly into holey pockets. Losing precious secrets and moments before we were able to hold onto a you. Me. Us. Or we. Honestly, truly and fully.. And I. Not without fault, can say, "I did the same." Yet. That never meant we didn't love. Never meant we didn't know the meaning of loving hard, running, tripping, falling, and on callous knees, we clawed and fought. Fought and clawed for an US again. And we so desperately on high wire, unskilled tight rope walkers, wanting to balance needs against wants. love against desire. stay not leave. Yet. Baby, I can fill the gravitational pull... Pulling me. Weighing me down. And selfishly, I want it all.

And I CAN'T.

I can't hold onto a flimsly us with open palms. The first breeze, and that US will blow like dandelion seeds on spring afternoons. We are scattered beneath palm trees, lillies, and beautifully tragic things, like graves, death and feet. We are mid-stream. Unable to move forward or backward. We are aren't a new we, we are the we we always were. Tragically beautiful. And this, this is not our story line. Not the way it is currently written. And I...

I love you. I always have. I always will.

We have let each other go a thousand times, and yet we cling to a single string. Yet the dream is unraveling at the seams...

One day I will tell you I love you, and you will mean it.... I'm sorry this day has come. For all the times, we told each other "I love you" and all the times we meant to cherish and return it.

I love you. do you mean it?