stuff

My weekend has been one of growth and revelation... some randomness

you'd be surprised how much bullsh is brewing in your midst, even when you don't participate. some how, some one will always drag you into their mess....

for someone who doesn't have a lot, and is always needing someone's assistance, you sure have a lot to say. i like you a lot, i think you're funny, but it won't stop me from kindly putting my foot in your ass. despite my smile and friendly overtures, i know you are a vicious gossip. kind warning, you have one more time to tell someone what you THINK is going on in my house. (ladies chill, this time it's a man full of bitchassness)

slam brings out the worst in people. if you can slam 5 days out of the week, why would ANYONE, especially you, rob a kid (someone dependent upon their parent) of the opportunity to perform and possibly win? by the way, you knocked your boy out of finals.

people will indeed take your kindness for a weakness.

slam brings out the worst in people II, i truly hate and did not feel good about "burn" this past weekend. it felt more like defeat, than victory.

i am really torn about slam this year. i want the opportunity to hang with the neo-soul fam, yet i feel burned by the b/s that transpired last year, equally disgusted with the "comments" that were made about me, and that genuine feeling that i really can't and shouldn't trust "all" the people i am suppose to call team mates.

at what point do you decide to terminate your relationship because you feel unfullfilled, unloved, not supported, validated, and valued?

at what point to do you consider pursuing a relationship that offers the promise of being loved, supported, validated, and valued?

at what point does someone say, "I can't forgive you, and we'll never be the same?"

can you tell people what to post on their blogs? I mean people make assumptions that they now what's going on in your life by the words on your blog and the sense of familiarity they have with you.

is it fair to call people out on your blog?

at what point can you say the things you write are personal, since your posts are available for everyone to see.

at what point do you intervene in a situation that you know is hurting your friend, and in fact, you have begun to hurt for them as well?

i've exhausted my good music.

the writing lab was cool, yet, i'm still not comfortable with writing in groups.

at what point do you draw the line with rules, i mean, people have been pretty f'ing shady around slam rules, and taking people for granted. i did a search, and you know what, there are no rules posted by most slams...

that they are constantly sending e-mails to us about attending their slam. famous last words "if you guys did it on thursday nights we'd totally support you?" well, um, we've been doing it on thursday for over 7 months and we still only see the people who supported us when we did it on wednesdays...

should i take a free ticket, just cuz?

as a people we're too nice, i bet most of us will be there tuesday, and invite someone to tag along.

a line from my poem: "Recognize that in
my humiliating silence
I drank rancid cups
of minding my business and letting you down.
And the sprinkling of
encouragement, love, and well wishes
didn’t make it any sweeter.
I just wanted to keep you afloat until one day you'd reach your shore. "

i don't care who you vote for, but as a woman, I think it's pretty insulting to find how we are willing to degrade one another. A car driven by a woman, obviously owned by a woman had the following bumper sticker, "life's a bitch, why elect one." dang.....

i'm glad i talked to him. we're on even ground.

grateful....

01) it SNOWED....... snow welcomed us there and bid us a farewell...
02) traveling with the one you love..
03) coming home. man i missed our bed.
04) goofy text messages upon landing... you never gave me the NUMBER!!!
05) hanging with the two bestests.
06) the neo team..... it's a good look.
07) your happiness....
08) my no bitchassness shirt.
09) performing for Baby Hustle's class. I was honored.
10) realizing my life in slam has been reborn through the Youth Slam.
11) realizing I am really okay with being an open micker and not a slammer..
12) those beautiful brown eyes...
13) those who i call and honor me in return with the title friend. what could i do without you?

bonus... good orderly direction.

leaving on a jet plane.. don't know..

in three hours we board a plane. i can't wait.....

in the last six i have managed to do everything i would have liked. i almost lived as if there was no tomorrow.. and i'm happy.

• i slammed for fun, not for any other reason, and guess what i had FUN!
• my life is in perspective. i see clearly all that i need to see.
• witnessed a win that was well deserving..
• witnessed a come back, that made me speechless...
• sat on the floor and listened to poets from and with my heart and not my ears...
• laughed until it hurt.
• stood in awe at the dawn of love
• welled and teared inside at it's sunset..
• goofed with the bestest two in the world.
• g.o.d. birthed me another sister...
• got my bitchassness t-shirt..
• made a decision in that moment that i could never go back. returning to what was is not what this life is about. it's simply about moving to what will be. AND i will be in MADISON for you, you, you, you and you!
• chelle, b-fran, trey, element, and mike whalen.... we are connected by a moment in time I HOLD DEAR in my life. chelle and b i apologize for not being FEARLESS ENOUGH to return.

thanks...,

01) day business trips....
02) those brown eyes
03) our airport encounter... rugged..
04) a vacation..
05) my ex bro in law's wedding, hanging with my sis, seeing my nephew.. and my gosh.. picture later.
06) watching the looks on people's faces when they realized my sister was attending her ex-husband's wedding..
07) her being as happy as my new play sister.. (my ex bro in law's new wife)
08) my wedding date..... NO NOT A DAY TO GET MARRIED
09) ice cube on saturday
10) our horton hear's a who date......
11) last minute lunches at mangia..
12) plucking missing you...
13) being reminded of why we will always be l and z....

g.o.d. for giving the strength, patience and wisdom to hold my tongue and watch my words.
pps. my date with the cutest nerd ever....

I had to go back to the basics....

"The Sneetches"
"The Zax"
"Too Many Daves"
"What Was I Scared Of?"

Teaches about:

discrimination

snobbery

insecurities

consumerism

valuing individuality

compromise

being afraid of those unlike you

and the mystery of being able to stand up alone.... (the boy was afraid of a pair of pant that stood on their own)

i learned these lessons as a child.

the sneetches and other stories are one of my favorite books. has been since i was able to read. my all time favorite cartoon special. i used to use this book to teach drug addicts and criminals how to live in a pro-social society. am learning that it really should be taught to most. i think i may get it for you.

it was the 13th

So you shot craps. Know what? You almost did it. Operative word. ALMOST.

thanks...,

01) i so love my life right now
02) nightly reading
03) turkey chili
04) great week of politics
05) the smile she brings to his eyes...
06) last week's host (goofy fun)
07) every breath
08) the job is tough, learning to deal with another type of woman.....
09) the discovery of bitchassness.....










10) no poems in the heart and mind, but i'm loving words anyway...
11) i miss you two..... (BOO), but isn't it great to have "girls" to miss?
12) discovering you all over again.
13) and being okay with what you've found in me....
bonus.. good orderly direction.

BITCHASSNESS....

What the hell are they thinking? A PARTY divided.... It's too early to want to know who's gonna be on top. Just agree to do it together.... At this rate I may vote for McCain.

And to top it off:

Geraldine Ferrero?

Re-Votes in Florida?

Mary Ann busted with weed? Mary Ann?

Ginger, yes. Mary Ann, hell2danaw.

Who has the EGO? No Super Ticket.

Funny most believed Hillary would be the person with the problem... Doesn't seem to be the case. I understand he has the delgates and the States. BUT NOT THE STATES THAT WIN ELECTIONS!
below: Yahoo news.....
COLUMBUS, Miss. - Democrat Barack Obama ridiculed the idea of being Hillary Rodham Clinton's running mate Monday, saying voters must choose between the two for the top spot on the fall ticket.
The Illinois senator used his first public appearance of the week to knock down the notion that he might accept the party's vice presidential nomination. He noted that he has won more states, votes and delegates than Clinton so far.
"I don't know how somebody who is in second place is offering the vice presidency to the person who is first place," Obama said, drawing cheers and a long standing ovation from about 1,700 people in Columbus, Miss.
Saying he wanted to be "absolutely clear," he added: "I don't want anybody here thinking that somehow, 'Well, you know, maybe I can get both.' Don't think that way. You have to make a choice in this election."
"I am not running for vice president," Obama said. "I am running for president of the United States of America."

3:00 am (at this rate.....)

"we're sorry you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service, if you feel you have reached this recording in error, please check the number or dial your call again."

i once had plans for the super ballot. i now fear this "it's 3:00 am bullsh..." has given credibility and life to the whole "terrorist/suicide" voting tactic.

two sensible people slowing giving into their biggest fear...

i agree with andy rooney, "why would anyone want to be president? especially now."

thankful one day late...

01) finding new love in your old love.
02) monday night perfection.
03) I am a delegate for my Precinct!. 0202 Represent.
04) Hilliary WON! and the possibility of the Democratic process being fully implemented in my LIFETIME. Let the People Speak.
05) Hints of the Superticket Hill-RAC or RAC-Hill. I don't care. Just give me back the FREEDOM AND PRIDE ASSOCIATED WITH AMERICAN PATRIOTISM!
06) birthday lunch and our discussions... You really are my sister from another Grandmother...
07) intelligence that allowed me to be torn between the two Candidates.
08) every breath, every day.
09) that he shared his good news with us. Glad you talked to him.
10) Love Me Sexy.... Will Farrell is the man!
11) G.O.D. is teaching me valuable lessons and I am reaping hella rewards.
12) that my friends are healthy, living, and growing.
13) hosting with B-Fran.... I was sick as heck, but it was fun fun fun... below: an altered picture of the night... thanks bizzle.


bonus - hanging out at the light bar, listening to tje and the band, getting my butt whipped in pool at lance's bar, and wanting to hang out longer, but the sickness took over me...

Obama Love

A picture says a thousand words. Tough night.

Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History...

So tonight I attended my District's caucus. It was electric. I of course, was one of FEW, HRC supporters. I did win a Delegate selection. I am STOKED! To participate in the Government process in, what appears to be a historic democratic process.

It is bitter sweet. I wanted to vote for both. In the end, it was really, as I've said all along in the details. I couldn't vote for someone because he shares "some of my pigmentation" nor could I vote for someone because we are both women. Boo to those who believe she cannot run the country because some Countries still hate and have no respect for women. She's battling that here in the US! Have you seen some of the ads? Listened to the commentary? it's a sad day to be an intelligent, can do woman?

It is also a sad day for HIM. He's being criticized for being the epitome of the core of who we are as Black/African Americans. To be gracious in the face of contempt and criticism. The man is not SOFT. He has class. Something lacking in the American Public. I pray they get it together. The BA-Hill ticket would be off the CHAIN. For real....

Neo Birth

Happy Birthday

LALOVE!!!!

Moboma vs Billary

01) Michelle Obama isn't any less ambitious then Hillary Clinton was during Bill's Presidential Campaign.

02) Michelle Obama is also Barack's closest advisor, which is good for a marriage, but when it comes to bedroom discussion about running the country, I think Bill is better suited.

03) Michelle and Hillary were both born in Chi-Town (that would make KA happy.)

04) Michelle is an earth sign and Hillary's a water sign, so they would make a great lesbian couple running the White House well together.

05) And if you're offended by number 4, think about the latest poll. A woman can be viewed as competent or well-liked but never both.

06) So while Michelle is busy rolling eyes and sucking teeth, she's not viewed any different then Hillary, So if Hill's a Bitch that makes her the _____ Bitch.

07) I'm just sayin'.

08) Barack's a Leo. A fire sign...

09) Bill's a Virgo, Leo cusp.

10) Consequently, you know Virgo is the only sign represented by a Female? Kind of like his Presidency was marked by a female.

11) Virgo is an earth sign... At least Hillary knows how to deal with them.

12) Both Bill and Obama fathers' died in car accidents.

13) Obama and Hillary have spouses who speak before they think.

i guess there is really little difference between the two families. as is with the presidential campaigns. but there is.

i guess what i'm saying is this. don't allow your race, ethnicity, gender, celebrities, hype, a good sounding speech, momentum or some fcking music video (sorry jo) sway your vote. a week or so ago in dallas, when i declined to stand in line at the obama rally, an older black woman frowned upon me when i told her i was on the fence. i also told her if i had to vote today she wouldn't be happy with my response. she then scold me with "this is history, you may never get another chance." i mean really? i may never get another chance to vote for a woman either.

when it came down to it, i voted with my beliefs and values. yes, i know it's history, but i'm also old enough to know that history doesn't always yield good lessons. remember the boat ride? remember the civil rights?

i keep listening to the subtlety in the commercials, and would not be surprised if it weren't a republican financing them. best skilled and temperament? WDF? temperament? come on people. don't get me wrong. I LOVE OBAMA. and i know why they love obama. He's that "black friend everyone say's they have. remember he's so articulate, he speaks so well. but what are you really saying? and as my girl says, "is america really ready for michelle?"

i think if he and hill could get it together, then, that's a fcking ticket. in the end, there's still a political machine waiting for them in november. and i can only hope, that the hype continues til then. in our microwave world, i'm not sure if "everyone" will stay focused enough to remember what's needed most in november. SOLIDARITY!

Home with the flu, not in any order..

01) My nurse!!!!!
02) That you're dirty thirty and ain't taken _______ into your new year!!!!!
03) Moments of clarity.
04) Hosting the youth slam!!! I mean I love it. REALLY.
05) Him asking me to host. WOW! Like WOW. Sorry I was sick.
06) Moments that reminded me of how the poetry world used to be.
07) G.O.D. answering questions before they are asked.
08) Becoming a bit more humble.
09) Convos with him... Next lifetime and every lifetime. L n Z.
10) Hanging out at the door with ELM.
11) A new Badu that she hasn't opened yet.
12) That my women friends are moving patiently forward in careers, life and love (YOU ACED IT!)
13) KIM'S ROCK HARD!!!!! PERIOD!!!!

bonus) copa texts. voting early.

A switch

reading my coffee cup

the way I see it #279

"Beware of turning into the enemy you most fear. All it takes is to lash out violently at someone who has done you some grievous harm, proclaiming that only your pain matters in this world. More than against that person's body, you will then, at that moment, be committing a crime against your own imagination."

I got a call, actually several stalking like calls from an ex a couple of weeks ago. One could only imagine loving someone deeply only to have that love fade into disdain. To say hate would be strong. Let's just say, I learned later in life what we shared was not love in an adult sense. That actually, in the seven years we were in relationship, we made the shift from lovers to luvemies (lovers you love to hate). So to hear the voice only the other end of the line, sent eerie chills down my spine.

When I finally answered the phone, I said things that were cruel. And I can be pretty dang cruel. I meant every one of those things. I had grown way past polite many years ago when we departed. I mean, how many times can you break up with someone? At the time of our breakup, C (not Craig) caused me a great deal of pain. I had met Craig by now and was relatively happy in the semi dating phase with him. Initially, like most, I believed we could be friends. I never want to lose touch with someone I shared so much of my life with. Later, all I wanted was to part ways and fade desperately into oblivion. After I refused to contemplate a reconciliation, I received threatening phone calls at my home and place of employment. The places I frequented were invaded in an effort to "run into me". Any potential relationship I thought about entering into was quickly diminished as I was slandered in an effort to shame me back into our old circle of friends, patterns and relationship. Anyone who has ever had a horrific break-up would simply understand how I felt when I heard this, this person, this voice on the other end of my phone, oddly enough, wanting to be..... friends.

Then something else happened. I became of victim of frienvy. You know, a friend wanting what you have. I was pretty perturbed and angry about that. But the problem was we "really weren't friends anymore." I'm no so co-dependent and childish that we have to talk everyday. I have friends I speak to monthly, and we know almost everything going on in each others lives. But to call when you want something, when you need a hook-up/favor, when some thing's going wrong in your life, when you want to bum rush my plans with my friends, doesn't constitute friendship. I mean this person had grown, not into an enemy, but a frenemy. She walked that fine line, so the frienvy moment was the defining one.

Then, I was reminded of how loose some lips are... Don't believe what you hear and definitely be cautious of what you see. It's all deceiving. If it's not your life or your truth, don't repeat it. Another frenemy that would swear we were Fam.

And it went on and on and on....

But you know what I did. I turned off that switch. I turned off the "people are out to get you switch", and turned on the "live and let live switch".

I mean, it's so much more positive to see these things as:
Someone who once loved you is reaching out to you. You don't have to reach back.
Imitation can sometimes be the greatest form of flattery.
Wow, I am important and powerful. Talking about my minuscule problems frees others from the mundane obscurity of their own simple lives.

What a difference that switch makes! Because I have been that enemy that I most fear. And damn, I don't want that for myself, my family or my friends.

So today, I'm turning on that switch for me and asking all my friends to do so as well.

If you were closer, I'd hug you. I swear.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANGEL!!!!!!

superwoman, revisited.

she doesn’t know that I see her the way
she really wants to be seen;
feel her the way she really wants to be felt;
love her the way she really wants to be loved
like I love my sistesr… like I love myself
yet
she wears victoria’s secret like a masked marvel,
leaping buildings not yet constructed..
boundless
she wears explicit prose
draped ‘ round stiff collars
and fights demons
lurking in her shadowed
controlled movements..
she vieled in family secrets
real and imagined….
not realizing she does more harm to self
than any evil villian…
I wish I could write her wrongs
color her in hues long abandoned
but, In her youth she learned heroes
aren’t people or sandwiches
just bullshit
caught ‘tween wonder bread and miracle whip…
so she simply remains a wish
a healthy reminder for the family
to do and be more…
than what falls between
the cracks in ghetto sidewalks
colored in vibrant blood
spilled by those before her..
that basic color can’t capture or contain
the dreams that bleed past lines
there is no color for Invincible..
so She she uses strong blacks
to paint the woman she wants
everyone to see..
transparent to me
so she waits for a poem
that she doesn’t want to be written..
kdtaylor, 2007

Expectations, and no, I'm not an Alcoholic, but I play one on TV

Ordinarily today would be my grateful list; however, I am filled with something... Something I believe we all could learn from...

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today...... When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation unacceptable to me. Perhaps the best thing of all for me to remember is that my expectations are inversely proportional to my serenity. The higher my expectations of others are, the lower my serenity. I can watch my serenity level rise when I discard my expectations. But then my "rights" try to move in, and they too can force my serenity level down. I have to discard my "rights" as well as my expectations by asking myself "How important is it really?" The Big Book Online Fourth Edition, Acceptance Was the Answer.

The text goes on to discuss "Keeping my mind on acceptance and off my expectations, for my serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance." And lately, I've had difficulty accepting things, especially those things I believe I have the power to change. I have made myself believe that manipulation, kindness, anger, threats, gossip, love; even this blog would make people do what I want. Some people believe placing their hands on others in the form of violence will actually make someone do what they want. It doesn't. And often we are left angered, disappointed and hurt. More so, we believe thier unwillingness to change the "offensive/unwanted" behavior is direct attack against us. It isn't. It's just people being themselves. We are taught to be kind, but not door-mats. Anything socially above or below is deemed odd or deviant. Think about it when someone is too nice, we always ask what's the catch? What do you want? Right?

We are selfish and self seeking. It is in our nature. It isn't anything negative, however, we are taught that it is so. We never believe that acting in someone else's interest is against our nature. A perfect example is a person who stays in a marriage for the kids or stays in a relationship longer because they don't want to hurt the other person. It doesn't last odes it? You know why? Because it isn't natural to abandon your wants for someone else's. PERIOD. We can be thoughtful, respectful; often anything more is against our true nature. So no matter how much we think someone is doing something to and against us, they are really doing something for them self. When I am cut off on the road, the other driver is simply trying to go on their way, not block my way. And it is pretty damn arrogant of me (and I have been arrogant) to believe that the driver got up this morning just to cut me off. Mind you racing up to flicking him off and engaging in other "controlling behavior" is allowing your rights or expectations to get in the way. I mean "How dare he! I'll show him." You can discern which (rights or expectations) elicit the behavior.

The same thing is happening in my life, and with a few of my friends. I shared this with one, prolly more for me then the friend. Because I have had a problem with my expectations. An acquaintance recently purchased a car like mine. How do you go the Volkswagen lot looking for an Acura? Especially since that what you wanted, Baller. (Opps my rights kicked in.) She did not want a Volkswagen, by her own admission. But she drove off the lot with an older darker model then mine. Didn't give them my name so I could get my little referral fee. (Opps my expectations kicked in!) Initially I was furious, and those who know me, know how well my rights and expectations manifested themselves. Proudly, I didn't call the acquaintance. Truthfully, I don’t know why she bought the car, and I really don't care, anymore. I lost a full day complaining, thinking, and rationalizing her behavior. For example, you don't go buy another woman's shoes, clothes and purse to wear them around her. Why would you copy a major purchase? Anyway, you get the jest. At the end of the day, she was prolly just trying to get a good, reliable nice looking car (which it is). And this is only one area where acceptance of situations/people I can't change or control and it is driving me f'ing nuts.

I just hope that you are able to find some solace and hope in these words. Really. I applied this simple thing to my last relationship. It was prolly the healthiest relationship in regards to communication I've had in my entire life.

We separated our rights, unrealistic expectations, unspoken expectations, negotiations, and commitments. And when we were angry, upset or bothered we simply asked each other which is it you're most angry or upset about? And often we became angry about everything except: negotiations and commitments. Because we knew...

The anger was all about the expectations and rights. I'm working on abandoning them, as I follow a shared motto of not taking _______ into my ______ year!

So I'm learning to expect nothing and pray for everything (that I can handle of course...)

If you were closer I'd hug you. I promise.

my mind's checking in on me...

• okay, Angel, so i've flipped it. ain't it amazing that i am that trendsetter.
• it's f'd up, that a woman can spit a hella love piece in a slam and not make the grade, because the audience is predominatly a bunch of females looking to get mind-f'd or laid.
• that i wrote one hella piece and a half that i can't wait to memorize.
• that at the end of the day, i am def where i need to be, with whom i need to be with, and friends with the people that make me want to be and do better.
• that we evolved from the card/domino table to the WORLD. (ha!)
• that the poetry world with the kids is ABSOLUTELY THE MOST REWARDING.
• that after a couple of years our being raised by old folks has transcended into a lifelong thing. i know i ain't taking ______ into my _______ year.
• that even though i love mae lou, on days like today, i still miss hip hop.
• that he and him are STILL my bestest male friends.
• that they both find the love they deserve and that deserves them. (there is a HUGE DIFFERENCE).
• that middle girl finds the love baby girl has. it is amazing.
• that poetry is in my world, it isn't my WORLD.
• convos with the zen master, damn you are funny and she is soooooo blessed!
• i miss my magnolia!!!! monday lunches are not the same.
• that brooklyn is so damn far away, and it houses my two best female poetesses...
• that you don't hold my not texting against me.
• how i'm loving lupe and jill live....
• not going to see jill tonight or tomorrow... BOOOOOOOOO
• if you were close enough I'd hug you and tell you how much I miss you!
• and while it seems i'm much too busy, it never means i'm not thinking about you, wondering about you, and knowing that you're all good!
• that we don't have to talk everyday to know your still in my heart.
• ain't life f'ing grand!!!!!