it hurts. like hell....

listening to choklate... (thanks trey!) check gettin' is good ....

"life done taught me nothing too good will last forever, imma get it while the gettin' is good."

still hurts.

never thought i would live my life with regrets...

rethinking that motto as i write..

the thought of contemplating regret is as constant as the sun rise. even when i don't see it, i feel it, know it's there. experiencing it almost daily. beautifully tragic. am i finally living the life of the tortured poet. if so, that's a problem.

i have gained "noticeable" weight, so i'm starving myself. lunch was a nice air sandwich and a coke. was so full, i fell asleep in my car at lunch. note the sarcasm, i wasn't full, but i did fall asleep in my car.

i know that i am retreating... too much on my plate. yet, while i complain about the travel, it may be my saving grace. i remember when i moved to ausitn a few years ago, the ONLY reason it was tolerable was because i was never here.

don't get me wrong, there are things that make it great, but these days, everything is morphed into one huge ball, and right now... i need space, i just need to breathe... restlessly, and wrecklessly enough, i believe that will come from, well.....

my dad refers to his leg twitching, as restlessly dissatisfied... one of his many gifts to me.

to quote the BIBLE via me'shell n'degeocello - ecclesiastes: free my heart

"the sun rises and the sun goes down and hastens back to the place where it rose that from thence it may rise again finding all things wearisome unsatisfied my eyes not satisfied with seeing, my ears unsatisfied with hearing wondering of that which is now that which has been and that which is to be for my time on earth i pay so dearly for my past confusion embraces my heart for to know self is to forgive self on my sojourn of truth."

one day... one day, right?

Snuffleupagus aka Cankle Crust

task: our coach gave us a task to write about someone you are not... i had a really great idea, but since i didn't have my computer, i my thoughts turned to this lady that works with me, I call her cankle-crust..... it's not finished...

i hear it again..
it's not time.
no, it's time..
i know

it's 10 am
and i
swallow
stagnant air,
LOUDLY!
gulping expressions
looking for conversation
in empty cups
with circled caffeinated
stains
and rouge lips.
they tease me.
mouthing in
my direction,
clinging to whispers
and secrets.
the cracks and chips along
their edge taunt me.
illustrating the
silence,
before
outlining
the dull roar
hum
then
ding
of the microwave...
it all
hangs along the
balance of empathy
without sympathy.
they too,
ignore me.

i drink time,
as if it were a 9.00 quart
of cheap scotch.
I am a drunk,
dying to find reality
at the bottom of that bottle.
bowing into borrowed existence,
not wanting to recognize
the loaner
had bad credit
and was bankrupt
long before I...

well, it shows
in the crease of
my forced smile.
the seam in my hose,
that runs frantically 'round legs
and ankles that meet
like wide stumps of trunks
in densely dark forests..
i have aged,
chasing silenced dreams
and laughter.
i can't remember
the last sense of familiar
or the first hints
of connection.
it's been 9 days,
4 hours, 16 minutes,
32, 33, 34,
35, 36 seconds.
and counting.
backwards,
the breaths of air
swallow me whole;
leave me wanting,
suffocating in my
insolent chatter.
clamoring bouts
with self
and clandestine
orifices
that speak to me
in languages
i don't quite understand.
or hear.
here
inthismoment
i am visible
to naked eyes
that clothe
cheeks
that turn
toward one
another
for

to be continued..
kdtaylor 2006
section 8 coffee publications
all rights reserved

guess who's back?

I'm back, bee ay chess !! Tired as hell. DID NOT SLEEP.
AND YES, I got on my last nerve... I have so many quirks. I told B the hotel room had character, I had character, and there were too many fcking characters in the room last night. There only needed to be one. ME..... Uh! Yes, I switched rooms only to find HAIR all over the bathroom floor.. And since they weren't locs! Or attached to someone's head, I was grossed the fck out. Especially considering, the REST OF THE ROOM LOOKED GREAT! I spent the remainder of last evening watching the SPURS turn into the SPURTS of OLD, and lose to of all the teams in the WEST! The Dallas Mavericks. And, uh no, I won't be cheering for Dallas, despite the fact I know it was Avery Johnson's ingenious coaching and trading which placed them on the birth of winning the NBA championship this year... I shall switch states, cheer for my old school favorites, the Phoenix Suns (remember Dan Majerle, Jeff Hornacek, Charles Barkley, and Kevin Johnson?). So.. I want Miami and Phoenix to go at it for a change of pace, even though I love Rasheed Wallace.... Any way I watched them lose all the while eating a Dallas Fillet at Texas Road House. But I DID WORK OUT! WEIGHTS AND BIKE. I WILL NOT GO TO NATIONALS LOOKING LIKE A FAT ASS... I WILL NOT!
I almost missed the early flight back home because of this WOMAN who did not work in the program I was auditing, who asked WAYTOOMANYFCKINGQUESTIONS at 11:15 am, when my plane was to depart at 12:25 pm. Uh, she reminded me of a lonely woman who has like cats, dogs or birds whom she named, "honey", "sugar" or "dear", just to hear endearments flow from her lips. Poetically I felt sorry for her, and while I LOVE EL PASO and the FOOD... I wanted her to shut her pie hole so that I could catch my plane, and at least get a bag of chips or something to get on the plane with. I am not the typical State Worker who is lonely and lazy, wants to sleep, eat and drink on the State's time, all the while collecting COMP TIME. I wanted to come home.... Despite the opportunity to eat another steak, well, I do love the steak, but not worth the sacrifice..
God is good. No hard time at the airport. No hard time switching flights. No lay over, got it direct BABY... even got to get some snickers, trail mix and a dr. pepper. ha... the sun is smiling and so am I....

not gonna be able to do it...

i think i'm on my own last nerve.... i walk into the hotel room only to see that the floor is, uh, GROSS... not gross gross, but gross nonetheless. it sucks cuz i'm on less that 5 hours sleep, switched time zones, hungry, and can't bear to switch rooms. but imgonnahaveto! this shyt is not real. i have this thing with hotels, and if i already believe it's gross, i switch rooms like three times. i have to watch the desk person roll their eyes and ask, "what is it this time, ms. bitch", well that's not what their saying but that's sure what their thinking... problem was, i should have canceled the trip after i knew this was the only hotel available, but i didn't, i have a commitment and such. practice was cool last night. really looking forward to product.. think it will come faster and harder than most believe... matter of fact, i'm sure of it.. if i could just have the same confidence in my ability to ignore this room... uh no, i'll see you tomorrow, i've gotta switch rooms again.... i mean, the last time i was here i hung in the lobby until 1:30 in the morning waiting to get sleepy enough to forget my surroundings...

uhhh, but it was so much fun

i feel like i've been knocked over the head with a bat, and some little kid is beating my ass with a giant bag of marbles.... i have fixed, assembled, disassembled, and cleaned more in the last 48 hours than i had all year. and it hurts... it was worth it, and i guess the crack punch didn't hurt either... i don't think i'm hung over, but if i just just scrap this crap off my tongue, i'm sure i'd feel better..... and to top it off, i have to go to practice 'til about 10:00 only to get up at 4:30 to fly out at 6'ish... uhhhh

I am starting this positive..... just letting you know in advance... those weak at heart... and have a tendency to personalize.. There are maybe, at the most, one hundred words before I start my rant....

1) DANIELLE WON! To me, the most improved. And of course, the prettiest (in and out).

2) THE SPURS WON! I can breathe again for another day.

3) 1%! Not the great landslide folk predicted he would be voted off by. Yes, I knew he would go. Just poor song selection, but he was an artist and did him til the very end. Can't wait to see Elliott after the veneers, a better stylist, confidence, and a record deal..... PERIOD.

4) NEO - I came in second. He needed a miracle (we both laughed) and I needed some humility (we both laughed.)

5) Team : Me, B!, 'Chelle, Joe Beazie, and Trey Bear..

okay..... yes, i cried. yes, it hurt. me, her and him were there the first year this started. we wanted this moment since 2003... more than anything we always believed from those faithful days writing at his table taking turns in the "magic chair" (the back would magically disappear as you became more comfortable, if you are slow, it would fall the fck off if you leaned to far). since that day always believed when the day came, we'd be there, together. i cannot apologize for my sadness upon realizing that would not be the case. very conflicting to be happy for my/our accomplishment as a team/venue, but know that she would not be on the stage with me. we three... i, the nut that fell from their branches- good, bad or indifferent. please allow things to be about me and my feelings and not make it about you.

hell was paved with good intentions. but some people need to learn to mind their own business. including me. sometimes when things are broken, broken people feel as if fixing that problem, will some how, fix them. i learned it wouldn't, but sometimes i try. a painful lesson. hopefully you will take the course on what is and what is not your business. i'm learning even more that some things do not need my interference. hopefully you will do the same. if not by everyone, at least do it by me. from day one, i said it was none of my business, and i didn't have an opinion. i maintained that stance until may 17, 2006. i was warned the moment i took a hint of a stance people would use it and run with it. thanks, you won the race. congratulations. but remember life is a series of races, and you can't keep putting all of your energy in other people's races, eventually you're going to have to take a look at the one you've been avoiding. at some point some one will point out.... "you weren't given a lane, or a number in their's and point you in the right direction. and it may not be nice." this doesn't mean i love you any less, it means i have to love with distance and space.

lastly... may must be "kim let a friend down month".

may 17, 2006 - our words have always been our words. i apologize for breaking that, even if it was with good intentions... it's hot in hell.

may 6, 2006 - an argument never means i have to stop loving you. i apologize.

may 3, 2006 - i didn't now it then, but you were truly the best person to carry this load. i could have never endured the criticism (overt and covert), the hurt feelings or the acts of duplicity. i apologize.

may 3, 2006 - my arms aren't always long enough to give you a hug, but that doesn't mean i can't tap you on the shoulder and tell you it's gonna be okay. i apologize.

to the team.. i don't necessarily agree with the path we took to get here. (i say this and i didn't read a single e-mail regarding suggestions on how it would be done. nor did i give feedback when solicited.) so i'm not criticizing, just aware that there would be wounds as a result of every thing. there was no way to please everyone in this situation. in the end, i'd like to think we were still a crew. and that long term relationships will not be affected. matter of fact, i pray that there are not severed, but in some ways strengthened. as trey so eloquently pointed out in the e-mail.. at the end of the night, hopefully we'd still be a family of cool ass poets. i pray that we are. i pray that we are........

Something stinks.... But the writing is on the wall. Call it what it is, and wipe it off your shoes, face, or butt for that matter... Better to be pissed of than pissed on. Pissing from the same cup, as they say, eh? hahahaha.. Coolly and oddly enough my man Slump came back from vacation with a toilet piece... I thought it was funny... Some people take themselves too seriously... He, on the other hand, just takes himself as he is, in whatever mood he's in.. I dig it. Reminds me of me. Not shitting you, get it... hahahaha..
Tonight is our rumble royale... I'm shyting bricks.. hahahaha, naw, I hope I don't pee my pants.. Okay.. Enough already...
Worries for the day:
Elliott Yamin - He may not make it. Now I know some of you are hating on him. I've heard the dumb jokes about turning your head from the television and listening to him.. I watched America's Next Top Model, along with a gazillion make over shows... Some of you are going to hate that you made the comments. Stop shitting on him, as soon as he's voted off (I pray not tonight), his teeth will be fixed in a matter of hours along with a huge record deal, and then what? Say what. Bottom line he is as close to a real brother as you are going to get on that show... AND HE CAN SING HIS ASS OFF. PERIOD. Reuben who? I've been worried about Elliott all day. He has to make it... The only thing Taylor has going for him is his name. hahahahaha. He did do well last night though...

Then the fcking Spurs... Man they are flushing their season down the friggin toilet... Another nail bitter tonight, I'm sure. They are starting to remind of the Spurs, or shall I say Spurts of old... They are still my TEAM, just, well, damn....

Make it worse, they announced this morning that the final Clarabell the Clown died on Sunday... Unless you are deathly afraid of clowns, you know it's a sad day... Well, I guess you could be afraid of clowns, recognize the significance and know that it's a sad day.. Unless of course. Never mind. I'm sure I'm draining.. hahahahaha (remember the toliet?)

Sending love to Brooklyn. As is everyone else. It stinks, but it's not shyt... it's just something in the air. Just something in the air.

Lastly, I think. I saw a brother at the bus stop this afternoon wearing pink sneakers. A polo shirt with red, green, blue, black, and brown stripes. A white cap with red, green and brown stripes. And white, FLY-like sun glasses. You know the ones that make you look like a bug? He looked like a crayon cart crashed right into his ass.

Okay, yup.. I know... FCK DISH NETWORK.... I dvr'd America's Next Top Model all day Saturday, and watched it.... for what? For me to discover that I do not have (Under - Privledge Negro Network) UPN. I say discovered, I made myself FORGET ABOUT Everyone Hates Chris, 'cuz we didn't have UPN. Now.. SCREAMING LOUDLY... I want Danielle to win. She held her own, and improved the most throughout the season. Now Jade is cold, but she isn't the total package. And on the real, I loved how this sister refused to close he gap (initially). I do wish that she would learn to speak. She does herself an injustice. And I am a southerner who does not SOUND like a southerner. Especially when I am around Mo and my other "worldy" friends. HAHAHA...

Okay.. I know, what's the deal with the squirrels. They are not my favorite animal or anything, but I think they're kind of cute.... I guess, maybe the one who got his butt kicked yesterday, was the joker eye balling me today during lunch. I mean he was standing on a limb, tall like, like he was gonna jump or something... Kind of scared the shyt out of me, and those that know me know my size doesn't mean a thing.... I will run... Anyway, he was eye balling me, making me a bit nervous so I moved to sit on the stairs away from his gully ass. I watch the other, the more, pro-social squirrels, play or gather food, or mate, whatever they were doing... It was kind of cool. They kind of skip jump, and I watched one, I'll call "Jordan", get at least 12 inches of air between his paws and the ground.... They also played in the drainage pipe along the side of a building facing me. It was a great way to spend lunch. I love parks and stuff when it's time to work.... And my job has a park like atmosphere. So that makes for my true aquairian ass to need an ADD medication, because I am truly losing track of time... The trees are green, it's breezy.. Great day to be alive.... I'm jermaine dupreeing, on the real... I'm so serious... Never mind....

Mockingbird - 3
CT - 0
Squirrel - 0

Today sitting outside my office practicing, I had an opportunity to watch a mockingbird kick a squirrels ass. No, I kid you not. He literally chased the squirrels ass under a park bench, not of course, without snatching bits of fur from it's back. I watched, as the terrified squirrel peaked from under the bench after a while, then scurry up another tree. I guess he was afraid the bird might come back. I know it's not funny, but it was... Okay I'm a simpleton. It wouldn't be funny, I guess, if I hadn't watch two other mockingbirds, (I'm sure from the same gang) get my god son on two occassions..... First, when he was standing in the yard joking and talking big (shyt) about knocking it's nest down from an under-developed tree in our front yard. I was telling him I hoped it wasn't a mockingbird, because I have been chased by them. He, in youthful disbelief, stated they were just birds, that they really couldn't do any damage. Just as he said it, the bird flew from the nest straight toward his arms... We both laughed at the timing and the irony (okay, I have the sense of humor of an adolescent boy). Secondly, a few days later, as he was moving a plant another bird flew from the planter, brushing past his face... Which was funnier... Especially since.. Well, you get it.... it was hilarious... I got a bike for mother's day.... Which was wayyyyyyyy cool........ Despite the sadness mother's day can bring, I must admit, it was a good day... I played handy! I assembled a desk (it didn't fall apart!), took the legs from another, and reassembled it!!!, did poorly with hanging curtains.... I kind of butchered the wall... So uh, the drill has been taken from me. I did learn about liquid nail.. Way cooler!! Made breakfast (didn't burn anything)... So despite the poem posted... (a very old one). I did mourn my village, managed to pay homage to my home, text'd my girls holding it down as real moms, (I even text'd my sisters, except for the one in SA, sorry, I didn't call anyone, can't make myself say it out loud)... And even dads.... And if I didn't get ya, happy belated mother's day....

Three Minutes in September
(In Memory of Mary E. Taylor)

September has never been really a good year,
the memories etch, sketch, graffiti and tattoo their hearts with fear.
Tears flow incessantly like much needed cascading waterfalls in hell.
Shhh. Listen close, their eyes have a painful story to tell.
Little brown five and three year old thighs
stick to electric blue chaise lounge listening to whys,
to questions that divide the voices to sounds they can never comprehend.
The vibrations twirl, flow, fight, the air to twist and bend,
then fall blindly silent on unknowing little five and three year old ears;
while the melodious harmonies disconcertingly pepper their spines with fear.
Old folk, young people, children, walk, mummer, mumble, stumble in another room.
The air above, heavy, musty, stank suffocating gloom,
stiffening cries slip from forlorn orifices below...
Pinging ponging, bouncing, whispering and hinting responses to their own echoes.
As sadly, sleepy little five and three years old eyes
shed tears emulating blank faces they don't recognize.
September, they remember the artic grief in the air,
it ripped, tore skin, flesh, bones, leaving them bare...
Exposing pulsating little five and three year old shattered hearts
Leaving a million tiny pieces, leaving their world torn apart.
Sobs thunderously open causing syllables to form acid rain,
Drizzling grief and sorrow on confused little five and three year old brains.
They see her hazel eyes dressed in white, dance in the horizon, without saying goodbye,
She is no longer there to brush the blood red tears from the corner of their eyes.
Someone tried to explain that she wouldn't be coming home, anytime soon
This cut little five and three year old feelings so deep, they felt the Earth move
You see, no one could really explain their mother's treason,
Disappearing and dying in the darkness without rhyme or reason.
Leaving them together to navigate the world on their own,
In this barren space they must now call home.
they remember the day eyes wide shut turned from brown to shades of blue
On that melancholy, winter like day when they were forced to say farewell to you..

Harlem to Brooklyn....

"Your silence will not protect you."
Audre Lourde

"I searched a store with a million t-shirts, thir13teen. How could I have brought back one you already had?"
Poet in Law
"You didn't. You brought me back a black one. You know me well enough to know my taste."
Me..

El Paso. Busted. Tired. No trip across to Juarez for cheap liquor or shoes (Pumas). Landed at 6:45. Called Brooklyn at 7:00. (still waiting for return)Home at 7:30. Hosted open mic. Recognized and discussed my short comings. Took advice, yours, hers, his, his, and HIS. Found forgiveness, but it still hurts like hell. KA got a SUV. Saw the pictures of you, little you, Guy, Poet in Law and Yemeyah... I was JEALOUS AGAIN... You didn't tell me about the summer move. Please coax her into staying until October. Or at least drag her here with you and guy in August. Found forgiveness under a shiny new penny. Still hurts like hell. Resolved at least one personal conflict. I am growing.... Recognized that I let myself down when I let a friend down. Apologized for my frailties. Agreed to do another task, I fly out a week from Monday. Our Brother Bird who makes a hella brisket is back in the hospital. I'm praying. Am trying to go tomorrow to see him. Kissed KA on the cheek. Found forgiveness in his dimple. Still hurts like hell. Chris Lee qualified for our Slam Finals. How are you doing with yours? Oh, and loyalty? Well, it's been hiding, too. Found it in drainage ditch a few blocks from the house. Polluted. Diluted. Not quite the same. Found kinship in a few words and a t-shirt. I have been looking in all the wrong places....
love ya like ac in the texas summer.....

my eyes have grown accustomed to what is often misunderstood.
my ears have learned to decipher pain which will forever remain inaudible.
i pray that my eyes and ears catch up to my true purpose.
allow me to live free of other's blinders and restrictions.
allow others to exist free of my judgments and opinions.
allow me to see life as it truly is...
a small part of some unworldly plan
that never needs my assistance or voice
to be achieved.
amen....

k.i.m.
thir13teennomore

NO MO' 13..... MO' LIVE Mik....

i am one thought running thru a thousand minds
i am all over the place.
i am nowhere.
i'm like liquor often on the lips of others
for all the wrong reasons.
that 's what he didn't know.
what he didn't know
was i didn't have another poem in me
didn't have the words to describe the fear
i felt in the moment....
the love lost in the past
the faith i could make it another day,
and like the cigarette he lit
i, too, felt packed under pressure.
i, too, felt the heat.
i, too, felt used,
to be discarded,
toss aside
when others were through..
i was burned ash
helplessly disappearing in the air...
lost and forgotten.
what he didn't know was i didn't have another
poem in me,
didn't have a song to sing,
couldn't quite find the beat..
and my feet were often too damn heavy
to feel the lift in the music to dance...
i heard a different rhythm
had grown deaf searching for the harmony
in it all..
when he heard lyrics,
i heard screams...
they say jesus wept,
but i wonder if he wept for me.......

call me thir13teen no more......

and ELM.... I LOVE YOU ALWAYS..... thanks.... for allowing me to be a simple needle and thread, to the brick and mortar (foundation and stability) you bring to my life.... what would i ever do without you and the sapling......... probably go a bit crazier............

friENd of minE MY last word.

I was 5, she was 70. She was my best friend. She taught me much about life, because of her there a tender, overly sensitive, God-fearing woman that peeks helplessly behind the brown in my almond shaped eyes. She guides me each morning, coaxing me out of bed, telling me, I can face it all. Her memory says "leave the bad things under the covers. I'll take care of them with the wash. Live for the day, as if it's your last, doing what you need, and if you're lucky, you can do what you want."
My formative years were spent with my great-grand. My values, conflicting as they seem to the novice, unacquainted with ME EYE, are consistent with her generation. Daily, I awake struggling with being her first great-grand child, the one she taught to be gentle and sweet; versus, the woman I've grown to become due to circumstance and experience... Each day. Every day. I battle myself, and my expectations of others.
She taught me to NEVER step on another's back to get ahead or what I want, because one day I could fall off their back onto my ASS. Not not be willing to say anything about anyone in their absence, I wouldn't be willing to say in their presence. (Ask me, you'd be surprised with what I will say.) Don't slander anyone, no matter how vicious their words may become . (I sometimes struggle with that one, but I am willing to say it to your face.) Don't ever put your hands on another when you are angry. (I have pushed and been pushed, though). When approached with gossip, never use someone else to get you off the hook. (I often take the blame for other's bullshyt when I know I can say, at the most ten things, to point the angry person in the right direction. You know, the person who was really dogging your ass out). Never mind being alone in the world as long as you know you have God in your heart and family at home. Loyalty is important. If you are loyal, others will be loyal to you. Pray for every one, every night, regardless.
As a child, I foolishly believed everyone thought this way. Moving through adolescence into adulthood, I realized that people do not have the same approach to life. And while I wanted to desperately hold onto her values/belief system... 'cuz I know if there is a heaven and my great grand's not talking to someone, she' s looking down at my ass, wondering what am I doing, and had I forgot EVERYTHING she taught me?
Well, great-grand, if you're looking, or reading, here's the issue:
1) I don't want to be bothered with half the fools that want to be bothered with me.
2) I'm pretty much not concerned with anything, unless it directly impacts me or the ones I love.
3) Really could care less most days about anything outside of me or the ones I love...
4) That loyalty thing is a crock of ___________.
And while this isn't you, or your teachings, I had to learn to protect myself. At some point I have to fight back, and while this is VERY PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE on my part.... I have to get this off my chest... FCK U AND THE BITCH ASS TONGUE THAT HAS TO PLAY INCH HIGH PRIVATE EYE AND ASK ANYONE WHO THE FCK I'M TALKING ABOUT CUZ IT'S PROBABLY YOU! AND YES, I'M HURT, NOT MAD. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE, DON'T GET IT TWISTED..... Any way, great-grand.... Well, you know, some of the people you left me with would rather get drunk or high than visit a church house so I've learned to handle things with reactionary anger... and well, I'm trying not to react.... Well, hell (oops), you pretty much know what I was going to say... So mannerably I say, without malice in my heart or voice raised.... the people (family, so-called friends more so than enemies) have taught me that:
1) Fck loyalty.
2) People will lie to you in your face every chance they get.
3) People will call you on YOUR PHONE to lie, only to repeat THEIR LIE to someone else, passing it off as YOURS.
4) People are selfish and self-seeking, and will take anything and everything that can from you... EVEN YOUR LAST BREATH....
5) PEOPLE WILL LIE....
6) AND SOME STUPID MF, THAT SHOULDN'T BE COMMENTING, WILL PLACE SOME BULLSHYT COMMENT IN THE COMMENT SECTION AND PASS IT OFF ASS SINCERE...

Me - Pictures/Quotes For Angel

Professionally
"..for black poets belong to black people. Are flutes for black lovers. Are organs of black sorrow. Are the trumpets of black warriors. Let all black poets die as trumpets, and be buried in the dust of marching feet."

for black poets who think of suicide - etheridge knight (poet)

Personally

"If I didn't define myself for myself, I'd be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive." audre lourde (poet)











Overall
"All men and women are born, live suffer and die; what distinguishes us one from another is our dreams, whether they be dreams about worldly or unworldly things, and what we do to make them come about... We do not choose to be born. We do not choose our parents. We do not choose our historical epoch, the country of our birth, or the immediate circumstances of our upbringing. We do not, most of us, choose to die; nor do we choose the time and conditions of our death. But within this realm of choicelessness, we do choose how we live."

Joseph Epstein (essayist/author)

conversations

"I mean, what would you do if you woke up the next morning and thought God was dead?".
paraphrasing the work of
Mr. Zell Miller, III
Austin Slam Team 2005, 2006

She sat in darkened room, lightening shattered the depression that swelled inside her bosom. memories and ghosts from her past, sat stilled in the shadows.

"ah've known lil' peace, an' piece a' min' iza lux'ry ah can't a'ford. 'specially win ah done bounce da check owed from yesti'deys washed out dreams." i felt her noose of despair, regret and tears cut close against my neck. the sting jarred me back into the reality of the moment. silenced by betrayed voices, i sat paralyzed dodging her words. and her story. as if they were bullets threatening my life. the core of my existence. dodging, in fear, that one day, her story may be my own...

"win ah die, dere may be tin, 'leven peoples at da fune'ral, dat's iffin dey ain't altready dead. mostly family. so ah guess ah'll be cremated." she chuckles eerily at the reality of her statement. "babee, ah have lived mah life 'n fear, 'n wile, ah don't pity mah'self fo' da de'cisons ah've made, at times ah'm, 'shamed. ah see it 'n yer face. chile, now, dontcha go feelin' sorry fa me. ah'm ma ole wo'min. ah've lived mah life. ah'm notta lonely wo'min. lone'ness iz ah state ah' min'. an' ah ain't got dat state 'n mah min'. jus' yit. always had mah thangs, ya know, mah share. ah've lived. even if 'n fear. ah've lived. ah've had family, friends an' love at dif'rent times 'n mah life. but mah bigges' struggle wuz jus' learnin' ta luv me. could nevah quite git dat one dere r'aight. life will giv' ya many 'speriences, ya jus' have ta chose da right lessin... sumthin', ah've nevah bin good at babee, sumthin'.... ah've, nevah bin good at. learnt much too late fa my likein', das ahl." she turns slightly to her left, allowing her voice to journey along the dust tracks to the corner of the small room. there rests shattered colors and scar tissue framed neatly along top a dresser. she smiles softly in their direction with conflicted solace. i am unable to recognize her seemingly affectionate gaze, as one of my own. yet, the feeling overwhelmed me.

"ah don't 'no if it wuz upbringin', loss, 'r gain dat taut me mos'. az a child, ah los' jus' 'bout ev'rythin', an' ev'ryone dat i believed evah luv me. dey simply walk out or died. an', let me tellya, don't let noone tellya dere's a difference. 'cuz it ain't. ah learnt dat peoples leave early 'n mah life. ah also learnt dat dey will dis'point ya. seem like leavin' an' dis'pointment wuz mo' like family den mah blood kin. so ah learnt real quick notta put too much stock 'n peoples. dat iffin ya wont anydang 'n dis here life, you hafta learn ta git it fo' yo'self. gots to be 'n control. gotta muddie yer feets, and callous yer hands.. 'cept, late' on, win ya ole like me, ya learn ya can't control nothin' sides you.. 'less, course ya willin' to fight. an' ah ain't nevah bin no fighta... ah'd like ta thank ah would iffin ah had ta.. ah'd put up a good front. ah'd stay, but 'n mah heart ah'd quit a long time 'go... guess, win it came r'aight down ta it.. nuthin' wuz really evah worff fightan' fo. guessin' das why noone evah really fot fa' me, ah rekon. ain't nevah fot fo' no man or wo'min fa dat matta. and chile, ah have a thurst. ah'm ma thrusty fa luv, lil like mos thrusty fa watta. bin dat wey since ah wuz a chile. guessin' no ma uh do dat der ta ya. so's ah lookit 'n otha peoples. neva made me fill no betta tho. guessin' dats why ah nevah had no chilin'. too hart fa 'em. me bein' dey ma an' all. an' ain't gone keep naw man 'roun' fah long e'ter.. hehehe.. peoples jus' git on mah nervs sumtime babee. but, ah've a'wayz bin thusrty fa luv. sumone ta luv me. so's one haz nevah bin 'nuff. seem likes dey sey one thang den do anutha. imma take careovya. imma do dis. imma do dat dere. an' me, well. ah starts out wit da bes' intentions, but ain't bin no good at finishin'. so we bof en' up not happy. and ah. well, like ah sed, ah needed mo. dat's all ah'll sey 'bout dat. guess, tho, jus' learnt it'z betta to be 'lone. ah ain't gone be lonelee wit sum damn body layin' up 'n mah bed. jus' learnt ya don't need no body but ya'self. Das' all ya really have 'n da en', jus' you an' God.'"

thunder cracked, breaking my trance. i lay in cold sweat. in fear, i place my hand across my neck to feel the dampness of the welt from her noose.

De(feet)eD

"Et tu, Brute?"

"Shake yourself from the dust, rise up, O captive Jerusalem;
Loose yourself from the chains around your neck. O captive daughter of Zion. "

"Whoever does not receive you, nor heed your words, as you go out of that house or that city, shake the dust off your feet."

"you could tell by her walk that she knew what it felt like to be
a rare diamond on the lower shelf in a pawn shop
surrounded by costume jewelry,
often mistaken for trash
no longer held her self worth,
abandoned, betrayed
and used.
worn over.
sort of like her shoes"

"feet torn thru shoes worn longer then the span of my life
the threads as frayed as the ones that cover my soul
seen miles longer then the lines that trace my eyes and lies."

"Her shoes made of love and confidence, have no souls
They are much too old
They like her, have been trampled, used and seen too many lonely miles
She's traveled many backroads, she takes it all in stride."

Another Equation

Friend + Dishonesty = Hater
Pride - Ego = Insecurity
Hater + Insecurity = Knife
Hater + Insecurity x Knife = Backstabber

Got Bodies?

www.backstabbingbitches.com

Here My Dear - 13

13) I Want You - Marvin Gaye
12) We Can Be New - Amel Larrieux
11) Can't Get Over You - Frankie Beverly/Maze
10) Reasons - Faith Evans
09) Guess Who Loves You More - Raheem DeVaughn
08) Spend The Night - Rashaan Patterson
07) Rush Over - Me'Shell NdegeOcello
06) Whatever (Live) - Jill Scott
05) Butterflies - Alicia Keys
04) Beauty in the Dark - Isley Brother featuring Mos Def
03) You Move Me - Cassandra WIlson
02) As - Stevie Wonder
01) Be Without You - Mary J Blige

the equation

no mother
+
no father
x
holy ghost
immaculate conception
-
God
=
?/0 answers