This is the last of such blogs, from this point forward I am gonna publish poetry and prose.. with responses (like Angel ;0))

As I pulled into my parking lot I was blinded by ambulance and fire truck lights... Silently flickering, serving as the foreground to the early morning overcast and haze. I have been thinking a lot about my mortality. Not so much how I will be perceived. But how I lived. Did I live my truths... No matter what they are. Anyway. I walked slowly in front of the ambulance, entered my building, docked my computer and began to eat my breakfast taco. Before I could place the pico de gallo on my taco Canklecrust comes to my desk to "inform me that ________ had a seizure, appeared to be okay, but was taken to the hospital." She ends with "I thought you want to know since you were_____." Honestly. I didn't hear the end. I don't know if she said friends, co-workers from ______, or what. And in that moment, I didn't know how to take her. I said a silent prayer for _______ and continued to eat my breakfast. She's a gossip. It appears she has no life. And while it appears as if her intentions were good, I question her and them. I know hell is paved with good intentions, even mine, so I'm not judging them or her. I question her and them as it relates to me. I could care less what she does to others. I already have an impression of her that will never change. My conversations with her are just that, work related and only when I have to. I wasn't raised by wolves. So occasionally I attempt to interact with her in another way. Only to observe what I believe to be untrustworthy behavior, reminding me, she was always be who and what she is.

Victim - one that is subjected to oppression, hardship, or mistreatment

Truth is she's a victim. Much like the other victims that have come in and out of my life. There has always been one. It appears as if they HAVE to have my approval or acceptance. And when it isn't given to them, I have wronged them in some way. One may question if I' not behaving as a victim by making this observation. I am not. I have accepted it. I make every effort to keep victims out of my life. Particularity by avoidance. I avoid their company. I avoid their behavior. I avoid them.

How to recognize a victim:

- A victim will not respect you or your boundaries.

- A victim will ask stoopid ass questions fully knowing the damn answer, not wanting to hear the truth in order to be further victimized.

- A victim will insult you and your intelligence in order to illicit a negative response. They want you to go the fck off so they can say, "why does (s)he treat me like that?".

- A victim will ask your closet friend about you and your behaviors, not offering the truth as to why there is or could be an issue.

- A victim will avoid his/her responsibility in an issue, and point the finger repeatedly at others. PREDOMINATELY YOU.

- A victim severs friendships and burn bridges. (Not to be confused with argumentative people or quick tongued people who just go the fck off. Argumentative people eventually accept their part, apologize and attempt to get it right.)

- A victim never apologizes. (See above.)

In living my truths it must be said, "I don't do victims. Don't use me as the excuse for everything that's wrong in your life. Your shyt was fcked up long before you ever knew my name. You may be able to sway others with that shyt, but not me."

As I said in a previous post: remember life is a series of races, and you can't keep putting all of your energy in other people's races, eventually you're going to have to take a look at the one you've been avoiding..... and remember you may have come to race with others, but it doesn't mean you get a lane or a seat.

the weekend was a blast. had an opportunity to stay close to home, and i loved it.... started out friday with enjoying the spoils of having to pay home owners association fees. the pool and "water park". c and i rode our bikes over and waited for the others to arrive. i had an opportunity to show him around the bike and hike trails. it's really good to have teenagers around, they help you remember (good and bad). we raced, i lost. ugh! youth. it was all good though. i remembered playing in the sprinkler as a child and, once summer hit, we got the "real water toys". you know, the sprinkler that was shaped like a cartoon character, "another" slip and slide as well as a slew of water guns. kids aren't excited by that stuff anymore. the pool(s) had a little water park for the kiddies, a wading pool, a kiddy pool, what the hell are we paying for over here? So this prompts an idea.... i will come over here and work out. i had worked out in the rec room before, so now, despite the fact that we put together a home gym this weekend. i am determined to get our money's worth. i may even take up golf. (doubt it!) anyway, i did a workout in the pool twice this weekend. and now my old arse is paying for it.. i have things that hurt that i have been aquainted with in years. and pain is a heck a way to be re-introduced. hello my name is Sartorius and Gracilis. this morning i literally limped down the stairs, silencing pains which were hanging out on my tongue waiting to see the light of day.

we watched run's house, the 40 year old virgin and tried to finish date move. i bought a deep fryer so we experimented with empanadas and taquitos. they were pretty good....
we did a showcase/fundraiser over the weekend at Mitchie's. it was cool. except... well, most of you know my "problem" with that venue, so i need not go into it... let's just say..... it was an experience. overall we did well. i have completely lost the timing on one piece, so i bit on one of b's lines. that sucks rocks.... i mean really? especially when you know the piece... So... i guess that's the better of two evils...
have a good work week.... or just a good week whatever you do...

the blonde squirrel has showed up again. he looks like the same one from last fall. he glanced over kind of like "what it dew, fool?". like he was hard or something. i hadn't been looking for him. but i've noticed him the last couple of days. he's still rolling by his lo-lo. i've never noticed another squirrel anywhere near him. not really sure why that's important. maybe, 'cuz i've been noticing more and more when people or things don't seem to be connected to anything or anyone. it kind of breaks my heart on some levels. then i think of it as a choice. but do squirrels make the decision to chill on their own, or are the other squirrels not hanging out with him because he's different? weird looking? or maybe he could be bothered. not wanting the hassle of chilling with a group. i mean then he has to kind of fight 'em off his nuts. (not in that way! man you've got a dirty mind.)

SINCE HOSTING, I HAVE NEVER WORN THE SAME T-SHIRT ON WEDNESDAYS.

WHY? CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO SEE ME WALK INTO ANTONIO'S.

if i don't want to wear t-shirts like other people. you would think right? i bring this up because yesterday's post did not come without "comments". now, i don't mind comments, i just don't always agree with the comments. thanks, but no one can make me feel better... i am not so insecure that i need to be "flattered", "complimented" or "idolized" by hearing my lines being "spit" by another poet. PERIOD. ohh, and the cheap version of my style. my gosh. and if you know me, you already know how much it pisses me off. i appreciate the attempts to make me feel better, but it doesn't. i don't want to be a bitch about it. i stopped participating in b-fran's writing labs because i believe there is only so much creative energy. biting someone's words and style proves my point. i don't want to be soapboxish, but i worked FCKING HARD TO BE MY OWN POET, HAVE MY OWN STYLE. no matter how whack or lame it or I may be. you DON'T have to use my fcking lines and cadence. you DON'T, after spitting every piece you have written cat in the hat'ish, have to ALL OF THE SUDDEN "speed up your piece to mimic my style. and don't look at me when you do it. it's insulting. you have the unmitigated gall to look at me as if i'm going to fcking applaud you. i'm not. i'm not going to applaud you because one- you are not enunciating, and it's embarrassing (for you and for me) and two - i don't want to see me in YOU. AGAIN I AM NOT THAT INSECURE..... fck. i feel another burn coming on... thanks q for the articles regarding plagiarism. man, i guess i can feel better. i have to chalk it up to "people doing this for all the wrong reasons. and while as some say it's a form of flattery, to (mis)quote another blogger - i got a pair of panties (boy cut) if you want to borrow those, too. i mean since we're sharing.....

read some comments on a lj regarding my man's performance at the other venue in town. as black writers (not the plagiarists), it's difficult to please audiences. particularity those of another persuasion. his piece basically discusses how we need a new leader, and that there are none in our community. he identifies issues that most black americans with pride would disdain. he performed it at "that" venue. apparently it got the highest score of the night. but not without criticism.

one poet commented: the white people went crazy for a poem about how black people need to take responsibility for themselves...I still don't exactly get it...although maybe that's taking something away from Brian's great performance. Maybe that's what they were applauding, I don't know.

one poet commented: "the white people went crazy"... agree with you on that one, and the uncomfortable feeling it causes...all these white people basically applauding a black guy saying black people are lazy, but it's ok because he's black, and the significance is that it is black utterance and not the content i guess?

i don't get it. unless we "black" people are entertaining "monkeys" it doesn't appear as if our concerns regarding OUR COMMUNITY are taken seriously. now their resident "negro" poets (whom i like as people) typically do pieces that border bafoonery, yell/rant at the top of their lungs while conveniently dropping associations to white pop culture, or (w)rap without the beats. as far as i'm concerned the white teacher who used the word nigger wasn't wrong as long as i call him a peckerwood. white people can say blacks are lazy as long as they are able to recognize their own laziness and not call it "being a hippie, finding oneself, or he's creative." slam is a fcked up thing and while i am having fun with the team and our coach.. i enjoy the intensity, but the politics? i find the people in slam are typically

- nerds, who were picked on in school and found something they would make them feel superior. some how act as if it's a real sport. hey! you were a nerd then. YOU STILL ARE. and HEY FREAK, GET A LIFE - you can't change your past.

- racist without actually saying it... to (mis) quote another poet from that scene... black poets in slam are often scored higher because somehow there "blackness" makes their words and experiences seem real. so they are given higher scores by liberal whites out of "guilt".
-miserable and want to escape their mundane reality so they escape in words.

- punks cause they hide in ljs and blogs and won't speak the truth to your face if you paid them.

last year i read as they reamed queen sheba. what she did at nationals was ILL TIMED and EMBARRASSING. okay you liked Annis more, but did you have to drag Jeanine in the mud? and what would you have really done if Christa Bell won? minimized the concept of misogyny and hip hop, dismissing it as trite, a simple idea? OR SAY: she only won because white people were afraid to say that about black music...

man, august 13th... man, august 13th....

My concussion/head injury seems to be doing well. I feel dizzy, but I think it has to do with my glasses.

first the mic was hot last night. Welcome back, if only for a moment, relentle. It was good to see you back on stage. The night started with a bang, and ended with a fizzle..... Let's see, I'll start on the positive, that way, if you are faint of heart you can stop.... I will give you a hint when it's time. Congrats B! Way to go at Ego's last night. Thanks Sarah and Ebony for tearing it up for me early. I thank you for starting it hot. Thanks, Ms. Jai Malano aka JaiByrd aka Jaiklmnop. I know you didn't want to do it. It was a classy move. Thanks. My little brother team mate - Trey!!!! Yup... Let's record that shyt HOMIE... hahahaha.. Angel and Ms. Jackson, thanks for coming in with new shyt. Sarah, if you shake your head "no" in my direction one more time we are going to fight. Shameless and Element thanks for being poets I can always call on. This dude Jazz came thru last night from Kansas. Now I didn't feel the evolution piece the way B did, but I definitely was feeling the Jewish piece. Man.. That was tight.... And to my soul-diers.. Way to help bring relentle up with that fire poetry tag. Went well......

Last night was fun. UNTIL... The last round of Mofo'king Poetry Tag. Dang. We've been doing this shyt for nearly five months, and...... UGH!

10 WAYS TO RUIN DA FIRE OF POETRY TAG & TURN INTO EVERY DAMN THING ELSE

10) act like you're surprised when your name is called

09) start pulling out a bunch of paper, one piece on paper is cool, but TWO?

08) and while you're on paper, not being able to read your OWN writing.

08) not pointing or calling the next person when you are done

07) waiting for applause

06) spit your ENTIRE piece

05) give a mofo'king disclosure, just spit damnit!

04) sitting down when you spit your piece

03) not spitting your piece with fire!

02) asking people over and over, "should I play"

and drumroll the number 1 way to ruin poetry tag

01) giggle, then ask, "are you pointing at me. I wasn't playing, but since you asked_____."

WARNING: if you chose to go further, if you have to ask me, then you are the REASON for the following rant... Think of this.. If poetry were our children, would you snatch my child's arm off because you liked the way it looked, or it worked so well, or it hung so nicely... And put it on your child's body?
I love Mo Browne, Christa Bell, Christopher Lee, Andrea Gibson, Talaam Acey, and on and on and on.... In 2004 in St. Louis, I heard Andrea Gibson spit a line: "I'll carve your name into my wrist so my pulse can kiss you" or something similar... And I nearly lost my mind. In 2005, when I saw Christa Bell, rock damn near every word that came out of her mouth.... I wanted, I wished I had found the heart to say, "Hip hop hates women" even though that's not my favorite piece by her. That same night I listened to Annis Mojani spit, "My father catches (can't remember the exact number) buses to water flowers", and I thought "wow". I have quoted one poet in my life, and even then it's a paraphrase, which I give him his due, "Like my boy Fluke says, we walk thru rain unbeknownst to the beauty of sunflowers." Now mind you, that's not an exact line in his piece entitled Sunflowers, but it references the work. AND I SPOKE TO HIM ABOUT IT BEFORE I EVER SPIT THE PIECE! Let me say this. It is not FLATTERY WHEN YOU COMMIT PLAGIARISM and steal lines from other poets. That shyt's not cute. Most, including myself, find it INSULTING. Especially when you look me in my face and act as if I'm not suppose to know my own mofo'king lines. I have heard three lines from my poems in two people's work. Every time I hear them spit MY LINES it causes shrill to claw up my spine. And I literally FIGHT MYSELF to keep from coming over and snatching my words out of your mofo'king mouth. Don't paraphrase, don't play on words. You and me and the AUDIENCE, ALL know the method in which I use them and you "try" to use them are the same. IDENTICAL. If one more person asks me why you keep putting my words in your poems I am going to point them in YOUR DIRECTION. What gives you away is the cadence. Now the line from my father piece, that's cute. But it's still my concept. AGAIN, I don't appreciate it. Now before you start asking people anything, keep this in mind. 1) If you had written your pieces before I wrote mine, we wouldn't be here. 2) Many of them already have already asked me why you are doing it. So I'd think before I went there. Why do you think I spit my pieces again? So they can hear what you are doing CLEARLY. And no, I don't want to have a conversation with you about it. Because this time I won't hint.

Yesterday sucked. Today's not starting any better. I don't have time to fart, let alone live, and the few days I have off, ABSOFCKINGLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENS. I mean it rains half the day EVERY DAY, and I have to do things around the house. Don't get me wrong, I love my house, and my new family. It's just lately, I DON'T GET TO SEE OR HAVE TIME TO ENJOY ANY OF IT... I swear, I don't know how "full-time" POETS do this shyt. I miss everything about what was once my LIFE and I feel it slipping away from me. Late yesterday afternoon, in a fit of anger and boredom, I steal a way for a few drinks... And either the bump on my head, fatigue, hurt, sadness, whatdaHELLever, I end up a little drunker than I wanted a little faster than I wanted. Lately, I haven't had many bad days..... Watching "Making of the Band III" Betty Wright said, some days you have to have the rain.... That's what's needed to water the seeds of tomorrow, of love, of life, of------ Anyway, my head still hurts and I feel pretty nauseous. My sister (the nurse) said I can GET A CONCUSSION WITHOUT PASSING OUT.... That sucks, now I'm scared. I gave her my symptoms over the phone, and she asks me did I pass out, in a tone, that says, "fool you were suppose to pass out." I told her, I fought if off.... I know sounds wierd, but... As I kneeled to the floor I did what every SCARED HEATHEN would do... I PRAYED. I mean I saw stars heard the ringing in my ears, and I begged God not to let me go out like that. I knew that I would either 1) be laughed at or 2) ignored.... So I sucked it up fighting off the dark circle that was about to engulf me, and the dull roar that seemingly was luring me to sleep. Only of course, after and during, screaming like a bitch Only to become and remain pretty damn angry.... I know I've been pretty pissed since then.. And nothing is really gonna change that, except time. Angry because the entire task could have been avoided... but that's another story. In addition, it makes me feel clumsy and awkward. Heaven knows I don't need to feel that among the other fcked up things I've been feeling lately...... So today is basically fckit day.... Things aren't going my way anyway......... so fckit...... I am happy to be alive though. He loves me and she loves me so I'm not too bad off. If that makes a difference.....

I heard a heart shattering
a million miles away
while you were
standing next to me...
It took it's last beat
and took my breath away.
Familiar it seems
so
I turned toward you
to catch a glimpse
of your shadow -
shape shifting
the foot steps going
away from me.
and now I stand alone...
listening to the echo of
your goodbye
between the cracks
of a heart shattering...
was I so blind
I couldn't see the writing on the wall?

Got up and cut the grass. Front and back. Which makes that a feat is that I have about 50 meters across and about 20 meters wide. It's like a miniature track field. Any way I edged the front yard, but not the back as by the time I completed 1/2 of the back yard it was nearly noon. It was unreal. My head was pounding from the previous night (drinking and closet injury). It was already about 95 degrees and the sun was BEAMING HARD thru the HAZE.. I was soaking wet, and am terribly out of shape. Funny cutting the lawn was a favorite past time at the other house, here... Just can't seem to get into it. 1) the grass is ugly. 2) the grass is ugly. 3) the back yard is a huge field full of red dirt, rocks and weeds. To top it off there is a steep hill in the corner, so gas was spilling out of the lawn mower as I was attempting to navigate the corner of the yard. It sucked.

I wish I could afford a lawn man.

I split my wig earlier this afternoon. I hit my head in the bad kid's closet. The bad kids closet, you know, the little slanted one directly behind the staircase. Anyway, it's about a foot shorter than myself so as I was walking, I felt a splat, saw stars and heard was a loud THUD! I fell to my knees immediately waiting for the blood to come gushing down my face. Blinding me. It didn't. I was relieved. How did this happen? I was hanging a clothes rod that had broken from the weight of a ton of coats and jackets. I know a ton of coats living in Texas of all places. Feels like my head is going to explode. Since I didn't pass put, I know it's not a concussion, but I feel a little dizzy and nauseous. Which, is pretty freaking scary to me since I am a bit of a punk and will diagnosis myself with something fatal in a minute.

okay... i'm just happy to be on the payroll... happy to be alive.....

the last week has been strange. currently, unbeknownst to me, i am warring with princess. since we've been back from our audit, she has continued to be somewhat attitudinal and passive aggressive. passive-aggressiveness in black women is such a turn off, and just no fcking fun... i mean i can take from any other woman, but a sister. i support your cause, even if it's with me, when you're able to hostile represent your sorry ass case to my face, or at least my black ass while i walk away from you and your argument.... and what makes it bad is we're the two brightest, professional women in our area (despite color). you know, i'm not her tomboi or her bitch ass niccah. i just get tired of being played (all the damn time), takin the high road and ignoring her stupidity. don't let the grammar or lack of the familiar (ghettoness) fool ya. i did grow up on the east side of a town, if you know what i mean. i can get "gully" (with language), 'cuz i ain't gone hit no body without knocking a bunch of people down trying to run away after probably bitch slapping some air. (hahaha) so, i'm walking on pins and needles, asking for my DAMN WORK PAPERS and support documentation for her work findings. i want to move cubicles. she and the ellen are too damn moody. and i would have thought the ellen and i would have gotten along better, considering we have soooooo much in common.

i hate motorcycle riders in austin. yesterday, a foolish motorcycle rider, we'll call hoochie man (it was written on his del valle motorcycle club vest, he's the president), cut in front of my MUSTANG! now mind you he was riding a touring bike, not one for speed, did he really think he'd make it far? anyway, i blew the horn at him cuz his fat white ass almost became a hood ornament, a crack in my windshield, or bug splat on my front bumper, scared the shit out of me, all i could think of was fat white crack and leather bits blowing through my windshield. anyway, i pull into another lane and say, "that's why you fuckers get hit". now this is when it get's interesting, he tries to BITCH me and MY CAR.... his dumb ass is riding in the left median, where i could pin his dumb ass or worse, a piece of 18 wheeler tire truck rubber could knock his dumb ass back off that stoopidly SLOW bike he was riding... anyway, he's screaming what did you say, what did you say.. like he's from new york or something... now what he doesn't know is I WISH I WAS FROM NEW YORK, so what did i do? i pulled the fck over. he rode past, so i caught up with him and told him "i said that's why you fckers get run over. i have already dialed 91, fck with me some more and i'll dial the last 1. you ain't gone bitch me... (hell it was over 100 degrees, traffic was awful, and i needed to kick a fcking dog after the day i had, and since i didn't have a dog, he'd be my bitch.) he reaches like he's punking me, so i told him he'd get punked and i laid on my horn in front of all places DRUMROLL a funeral home. yes, i felt disrespectful to those persons viewing their friend's/family's remains... and like a scared baptist i prayed all the way to my destination, "GOD, i know that was wrong, please forgive me and don't let me die right here right now with that on my conscious..... anyway, he drove away.... and i of course thanked GOD that i didn't get hurt or hurt anyone (with my car).

last night i won the slam... well, the team won the slam. we took first second and third. feels good to be apart of this group. i can feel growth personally, professionally and poetically. now i'm happy i won 'cuz a sister was broke and going to the rations.... i have been trying to save money... "13, don't let the account fall below _______, but my standards are shifting and it keeps falling below that amount." but my bank account(s) are speaking negatively of me (as Lovie says). i seldom follow the weekly budget. at least now i could spend money foolishly without going into the account...

lastly... well, i think that's all... i have to complete a gazzillion reports.... that were due two months ago.

e! you just ran across my mind...... impromptu 4 you.......

The thought
of her
stills me
in technocolor.
She
etches wishes
into haunting realities;
chisels inspiration
upon my soul.
And, I,
wait
in
wondered
awe.
In state of
puzzled - complexity.
Jaggedly,
forcing a forged
path
thru jig-sawed
life's choices,
wanting
completion.
Wanting to be her missing piece, so that I may be full filled.
Wanting to be the peace that will make her whole. (Again.)
Truth is -
she needs nothing
from me.
Yet the thought of her
steals all technocolor
in me.
Leaving imprints,
floating in the
absence of light, speed and sound,

void of her.
To be birth
of whispered idea
two weeks from today,
just to be found upon her lips.
To be seed
of budding flowers,
one spring morning from the autumn

of this season,
just to feel her touch.
To be rise in smile
when beauty catches her eye
two years past dawn,

just to be on her mind.
To be single tear from cloud
falling upon her cheek
at dusk on the eve
of Neveruary,
just to be a part of her imagination.

To be the Fall of her Spring,

when arthritic fingertips

run softly past her lips,

mimicking youthful kisses,

just to be a part of her every memory of love.

To be last footstep, kneel in prayer

or final breath from lungs

in this world,

just to be the first cry in her next lifetime.

Just to be (with)

her.

Grow old with me.

If loving her is as wrong as they say;

to be arms wrapped 'round her waist

or draped 'cross her shoulders

at earth's end, when hell freezes over -

I shall be stilled

or burn in eternal damnation.

Just to share the look in her eyes.

I am stilled in technocolor

at the thought of her.

I am going no where.

Without her I am.
Without her I can never.

Be .

(Again).

SUGAR WATER FESTIVAL

SAY WHAT MOTHFCKR!!!!!

August 3, 2006 Nokia Theatre @ Grand Prairie, Texas

Jill Scott!!!!!!!Floetry!!!Erykah Badu!!!!Queen Latifah!

oh my gosh!!!! I am sitting here going out of my mind!!!! I am going to be broke, as I am buying my little sister tickets for her all time fav Mary J Blige... And now, a poet's dream has come fcking true... The REALIST, My favorites... The bottoms are finally bringing the SUGAR WATER TOUR to Texas. Last year it only got as close as Las Vegas, and it was much too expensive (considering we live in TX. And I was planning to go to the National Slam a couple of days later) ... Baby thanks for being patient and not holding my passion for poetry against me.... It paid off like a MOTHER!!!! I thank you for standing by me, lovingly as I tried to piece together the tour for you. We saw Erykah Badu, Floetry and Jill Scott.. All separately.. Jill Scott was our first official date... Before that we "tried to be casual".. (that's another fcking story) AND NOW WE GET TO GO TO THE MECCA..... On other notes.. Yes, I have been writing. Will post some stuff in a couple of weeks. Got back safe went to practice... I am teamed up with some bad motherfckrs.. Including our coach, who I am renaming Soprano.... Who is one of the baddest MEN I know......

I am loving life right now.... Two months into our new journey we are still in love, finding a new groove, despite my travel, NPS practices, our summer mood swings and the MOVE..... I am still learning and growing....I love you very much. NO CSI tonight, I will be home a day EARLY!
Thanks to my team mates and a great fcking coach. You mofos have grown on me!!!! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? We kicked arse our first time out, despite the fumbles of the first bout, we took FIRST in the second. Hard work pays off. It was great to feel the camaraderie with most Texas Poets (some definitely showed me what they were about) BIG UPS TO Houston and our SISTER TEAM EGO's.... (who took first in the first bout). Thanks Stephan.. It was fun..... Still writing..... EMPLOYMENT WISE I AM IN DEEP NORTHEAST TEXAS.. Flew in yesterday morning... Suppose to be here until Wednesday, but I've worked my audit team to death so that we can come back early. They seemed pretty happy about getting back early. Princess is giving me a hard time as usual. Why do black women always have to have the last fcking word? Even whenit doesn't mean shit? Don't get me wrong she does a better job than most, and I would NOT think of traveling without her, but some damn times, UGH! So, I got in touch with my inner-butch/dyke and let her have her way so that we could get the damn work done (and I didn't lose it by cursing her the hell out). Side note: I ONLY LINGER AROUND tomboy, because it's hellacute most days. I have some things I need to do before my first meeting today.
Okay... I'm still jamming Gnarls Barkley and Donell Jones. Anyone got anymore suggestions... Ohh and yes.... I have a summer announcement starts with Sugar ends with Festival! AND FUNKY IF IT'S BETWEEN NOW AND AUGUST 12th I HAVE GOt to have THE NIght off..... PLEASE, PLEASE.. but I have to surprise ELM with it first.....

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME WE DANCED?

I have been listening to a couple of cds lately.. Gnarls Barkley and the new Donell Jones.. Life has been much too hectic and I think it slipped out last night as Joe Beazie and I performed a broke, tired watered down rendition of Killing me Softly (Fugees). Practice, work, and life have been kicking my arse... I will terminate two contracts this month.. Which means at least one will result in some complaint of sort.... Which means legal, court proceedings, which means I have to do a lot of work now to avoid future work and heartache... Emotionally... Well, let's just say I'm out there so I have spurts where I want to cry because I am so tired and can't think .... Oh, I've been writing. I can't tell what's good bad or indifferent, because I want to do well at nationals.. Enough of that.... Man.. I miss ya Brooklyn (relent, t-t, guy, and mo!).. Oklahoma (slumping slump... I will try to catch up with my reading next week while in yet another hotel somewhere in Texas) da lew... missin' you too. Got your message Q will e-mail you something later, and yes Copa, I'm ignoring your requests, how many times we gotta say we got you, we got you, now I'm a little further out than most, kind of like creve couer to downtown (cousin sarah, you think that's accurate?)........ All we need to know is when are you bring your butt down here... austin homepoets, missing you like AC in the Texas heat.. And you know how hot's been.... poetinlaw we better see a DAMN POEM REAL QUICK! Angel, I'll get it next week. cousin I miss im'ing you a million times a day!!!!
thir13teen

MIAMI WHO?

I don't have much time for anything. Work. Practice. I have been writing quite a bit. Have been given multiple writing assignments and once the "slam season" is over, I believe I will be a better writer and performer. Even if I wind up single with no social skills, cuz all i do is hang out with imaginative folk.

Anyway.. I called if, if it wouldn't be the SPURS it would be the HEAT. Congratulations Alonzo Mourning and Gary Payton. They are two of my ALL-TIME favorite basketball players... Along with my ALL TIME FAVORITE COACH - Pat Riley.. I am an old school die-hard Laker fan... Not the Kobe era bull-shyt.... As fate would have it, I missed the entire game due to practice......

I had both your jerseys as a tomboyish little girl.

Zo.. Georgetown Hoya t-shirts were all I EVER WANTED TO WEAR during basketball practice. I had five, but they were in constant rotation. I didn't get rid of your rookie Charlotte Hornets jersey until I gained too much weight and knew I'd never fit into it after my second knee surgery. I also believed, that I wwould never be that tomboyish girl again. I took a picture inside your locker at the basketball hall of fame, the year I believed your health would not allow you to return to the NBA. And all throughout your career I called you a beautiful man, inside and out... We share a special bond must too personal for this public space (no I don't have his secret love child!) I am ever so happy for you in this moment.

Gary!!!! Arrogance and attitude will take you anywhere and everywhere! Look where we are BABY.. ON TOP OF THE WORLD! FCK 'em if they can't take a joke. We can! I believe you are one of the best defensive players to play the game... and have on of the BIGGEST HEARTS. The charity work you do NEVER MAKES THE NEWS, NOR DO YOU BRAG ABOUT IT... A SILENT SOULDIER.. I feel and hear you. And at 38... Pushing 39 anyday... You can say you did it and you have it.. Wish it would have happened back in Seattle....

Now for the SPUR CONNECTION:
Derek Anderson (shown in photo with Gary Payton, was once a Spur (2000-2001, before being traded to Portland).
Shandon Anderson (not shown) is the younger brother of Spur Willie Anderson (1988-1994). Willie also played for the Miami Heat before retiring.
And Shaq.. Well we have a love hate relationship with him. But he graduated from a San Antonio area High School... And attended Spurs camp! HA

What uppers... been writing quite a bit... super busy at work, so I'm not able to post as much... Week since Wednesday..
Wednesday
I got back from my business trip and went to the slam on the other side of town... totally fcked up situation. I sat from 7:05 pm to 8:05 pm, only to be told along with the remainder of the group of poets wanting to participate... "you may get a ticket that says next week, which means you will be guaranteed a spot for the NEXT SLAM... WTF! I have to HOST next week this is the only FREE WEDNESDAY I HAVE IN A MINUTE. What did I pull? Next Week. Frustrated and angry, I went over to our spot... Entered the slam. I had an amazing night, if I must pop my collar. And our crowd was not favorable to me because I am a "regular." They were giving tremendously fair and equitable scores... Anyway, long story short.. I tie with a "certain poet up I 35", who true to form does his love pieces. Well, I mean, I can't beat a man in a STR8T VENUE with no damn love poem so I do BURN.... I mean, hell I want to win, too. I've been learning secret techniques in the art of slam. He put names in his piece made littel references to the women in the venue, including me.... So I decided to incorporate some of his poem into mine, along with references to wear he lives and our venue... I mean it was only FAIR .... Now, I could tell he was "hot" to say the least... So, I decided I would take "some" of my winnings and give them to him, to show the money wasn't IMPORTANT.. I "JUST" wanted to have fun and defend our house... I mean B-FRAN had already put a LOCK ON HIS VENUE THE PREVIOUS WEEK... Did he think we'd return the favor and let him put a lock on ours? HELLTADANAW.... But, this is what I have to say.. FCK IT IF YOU CAN'T TAKE A JOKE... and if you're talking..... to quote my piece... i won't say here or where... but so the next time my ears are burning this piece and your fragile ego are BLOWING THE FCK UP RIGHT NOW... 'cept mine in a good way.... It just shows... well, you know what it shows....

Thursday

Practice... we got to relish in our victories... WAY TO GO MICHELLE.... 50!! Winning in S.A. and of course... B-Fran wins in Dallas and Ft Worth..

this is hard work.... but, I would not trade this experience for the world. Bet..

Today -

Well' it's Friday.... What more can I say....

Happy Birthday Hustle and Joe......

seven whole days and not a word from you

what up peeps? sure i almost got erased from a few lists.... well, bitches.... I'M BACK!!! well of sorts.... currently I am at my home away from home..... a friggin suitcase.... and no i'm not staying at the fabulous hotel derek.. but i am back to the the intercontinental.... NICE AND COZY....
let's start backwards..... how we got here..
today -
NEW CHARACTER INTRODUCTION:
willyoushytthefckup - a co-worker accompanying us on our trip... Normally it's the princess and myself... we get along famously.. this time in order to get the work done, we HAD TO BRING SOMEONE ELSE... she talks incessantly.. wait, she BUTTS into EVERYCONVERSATIONYOUAREHAVINGANDDOESN'T
KNOWWHATTHEHELLSHE'STALKINGABOUT. PLUSYOUHAVETOFIGHTHERTOFINISHYOURCONVERSATIONMINDYOUITDIDN'T
INCLUDEHER. after the fifty-fifth time, i just said out loud, "may i please finish?" uhhh she irks the hell out of me. and despite popular belief, most people don't irk the sit out of me, they annoy me.... she irks....
yesterday -
willyoushutthefckup complained all morning... VERY PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE THIS ONE IS.... if i heard she doesn't do well starting any moring beginning with 3 blank am one more time, i thought i was going to pry her mouth open and literally TAKE A CRAP IN IT... she was that full of shit. Try going to SLEEP AT 12:30 AM ONLY TO GET UP AT 4:00 AM. mind you, i hadn't had any sleep because.. well.. keep reading. anyway willyoushutthefckup also discussed not wanting to eat another heavy meal.. UH HELLO WE ARE WORKING IN THE 3RD AND 5TH WARDS IN HOUSTON TEXAS.... what else are we going to eat? Unless Superfcking Salad or Jason's Deli had opened up in Family Cafe, Frenchy's, or Jimmy Chan's you wasn't ging to get anything without some fatback until we got to our Galleria Area Hotel. aside from the constant chatter regarding how long we work... The first day is always about 14 hours.... Is it our fault you took a job that requires YOU TO TRAVEL and you live over 100 MILES from the airport? damn i wanted her to shut the fck up.. too much negativity and I was tired as hell.....
sunday-
i think i got 4 hours of sleep. i think... coach has us doing some top secret shyt and it's....... well, top secret.... but practice was....... top secret..
saturday -
i got home at 5:30 am from san antonio.. read poetry at dreams and free verse... a lot of New Orleans poets.... good night....... way to go TREY! Myra! we rep'd like a mofo... still got home at 5:30 to get up at 10:00... for some top secret shyt....
friday -
i was tryingto recover from anthony hamilton the previous night.. sleepwalking at work and i have to go to san antonio tonight for the New Orleans poets.....
thursday -
anthony hamilton... hung over most of the day.. worked thru it...waited in the heat (outdoor concert) ever so worth it.. SORRY ANGEL... he's from the south and he's found a wife and religion.... he DID put on a hella show though....
wednesday-
neo soul... i got drunk cohosting with brian. it was fun. i don't remember much else.... 'cept i got home near 1:30 am and i had to BE AT WORK BY 7:30 AM....
tuesday -
puro slam san antonio... got third.... not good. stumbled on most poems.. have no idea why... maybe lack of alcohol since i'm working on reading without liquor.... that my friends and frenemies was my week... how was yours?

shouting out to brooklyn... haven't called, but i love you all you are in my heart.. relent counting down to july... mo, see you in august...
shouting out to OK.... slumping and sighing... slumping and sighing
what it dew in da Lou? Copa we will see you in AUGUST BABY.....come on we got you... Hey Q and fam.....
san marcos done moved closer to home.... i see ya cousin..
i've been reading. but comments and not always easily available.... so charge it to the internet and not my heart...
as copa says.. peace and blessings......

HIGH SCHOOL MEME - Copied Mo.

1. Who was your best friend? Adrienne M Henderson, Monique Warren, Terriald Jones and Jeffrey Miller. Terri and I just hung out last week. Monique and I talked on the phone two weeks ago. Adrienne, Terri and I are still very close.
2. What sports did you play? BIG 3 (volleyball, basketball and track)
3. What kind of car did you drive? do feet count?
4. It's Friday night, where were you? mcdonald's after a football game or midnight movie outside of football season.
5. Were you a party animal? Uh, no.... L7 baby.... I was an athlete. (I thought) I was cool though...
6. Were you in the "In Crowd"? I was popular because I was an EXCEPTIONAL athlete, could play the "yo' mama game better than anyone, and I wrote hella good english papers......
7. Ever skip school? uh no. My grand would have my ass... and then give it to my dad... and he was pretty fierce.. even if by phone.
8. Ever smoke? My cousin Tonya tricked me... weed with pcp.... screwed me up for days...
9. Were you a NERD? YES. More than likely, probably so... I was in journalism and all the honors classes.. BONEY AS ALL GET OUT.. Saving grace? SPORTS.
10. Did you get suspended/expelled? Uh, hell no.
11. Can you sing the alma mater? hell tada naw.
12. Who was your favorite teacher? Ms. Henderson... Adrienne's mom.
13. Favorite class? journalism/english
14. What was your schools full name? Sam Houston High School. Gary Green. Kansas City Chiefs, 4 x NFL Pro Bowl. Alumni 1973. Dr. Bernard Harris, Jr. First African American to walk in space. Alumni 1974. Ken Starr. Infamous Starr Report during Clinton's Presidential term. Alumni 1964
15. School mascot? Cherokee Indian (now it's a hurricane)
16. Did you go to Prom? Yes, plural... proms....
17. If you could go back and do it over, would you? HELL YES! It was FUN.
18. What do you remember most about graduation? my grandmother's smile. telling me i graduated the same date as my mom...
19. Favorite memory of your Senior Year? making my journalism teacher cry on her first day of school... my friend monique told her my grandmother was "special" and she taught piano classes.. later ms. hawkins asked me a question about my grandmother and the piano classes in front of the entire class. I faked tears, and told her it wasn't funny because my grandmother didn't have any arms.... the rest of the class roared.... Being ranked 6th in the State in hurdling....
20. Were you ever posted up on the senior wall? no
21. Did you have a job your senior year? what the hell was that? i had an intership at the bank for about 2 weeks.. my butt was lazy outside of sports and reading...
22. Who did you date? don royster til the bastard cheated on me while at at ole miss. then had the nerve to come home for homecoming and try to get back with me... so i dated his friend granville holmes to get back at him. ha!
23. Where did you go most often for lunch? cafeteria in building two
24. Have you gained weight since then? weight? try a fcking obses adolescent. he's sitting on my butt and hips right now.
25. What did you do after graduation? went to new orleans as usual. then i got snatched back to san antonio to (undergrad) st. mary's for the summer school.. they said they wanted me to get ahead... it still took 5 years.. but at least i got a double major. ha!

every day i try a little harder, more diligently, to pick up the broken pieces of yesterday.....
no one bothered to tell my that my hands are not skilled enough to reach into the past to change today.... no one bothered to tell me that those mistaken pieces slip past the lint, out of my pockets.... following me... leaving a distinct path for those hurts and fears to sneak into and overwhelm my todays.... the one thing i do remember about that trail... is i have to stop in order for them to catch me, jump me, stop me..... i may be weary... i may be slow... but i'm moving on....... for how long? don't know... but i'm not stopping today.


in case you needed it.......



always stay one step ahead.....

nonsense' i call

thunder booms!
inside.
mimicking
heart breaking,
life faking,
emotional stakes.
nothing.
everything.
something.
laughter
hiding slivers
of lighting
intensifies movement;
then
staggered flashes
close the heart
and numb the pain.
refusing to let go.
slowly moving.
no more to take in.
or push out.
I, calm,
still.
no movement.
drips of blood slip,
spill from broken split.
soaks autumn soul.
storm come fast...
furious.
chaotic.
calm-lessly soaked clouds
release tear drops.
stripes up top
spin 'round
lost.
cognitively ignoring cost,
screaming pain of loss.
eruption passes.
acts as if it were
never here.
yet remaining
scent of fear,
sticks to thin air.
eyes closed to what is real.
keep spinning.
emotions
pushing feel-ings
praying my umbrella
will protect me....
thir13teen

She told me to tell you that she is simply lost without you.......
that she misses you dearly and knows that her arms are stronger and longer than anyone's to best support her...
it doesn't mean she doesn't need yours...
it doesn't mean she doesn't love you...
because she does......
she just told me to tell you that....
she just wanted you to know.....

She told me to tell you..........
That if there was a trophy to collect for the last 36 hours you've won. She hurts. Actually, she asked me to post the medals she would like to give to you. While she does not want to engage in past games and simply get over the hurt and pain, it appears as if you'd like for it to continue.

She told me to tell you that despite what you thought about yesterday's post, it was not aimed directly at you, yet you personalized it and ran with it......

Painfully enough she still loves you regardless of the disappointment and pain. She simply views it as growing pangs and is not willing to make another NEGATIVE DECISION for 90 days.... she believes that the two of you can and will grow past it..... that's if you want.

She told me to tell you....
no matter how much she tries to let go, and trust that you will be there for her.... loving her, touching her, letting her know that she is truly important in your life.... you never cease to amaze... and continuously disappoint.....
She wanted me to tell you, thank you.......
life is a bitch and then you die. this is what she knows. thanks for reminding her. that there are few real loves in life, and perhaps the lies that you've been telling her, you've begun to believe....
or perhaps it's the truth in your behaviors that she must truly listen to.....
She told me to tell you.... she hears them LOUD AND CLEAR....

mom... uh huh? yes. i got your message.... but their crooked.... okay.. okay........ yes... it does feel good. yup, you're right. it's better not to to force it, or fake it... yes, i know.... i will no longer do it, 'cuz i have to... but because it's really in my heart. okay.. okay.. i will smile more, and i'll laugh harder..... give great grand and grand a kiss... tell aunts clara and suzy hi. and give 'em all great big hugs.. i miss you. i love you, too..... bye.
kim....

life whispered a dirty little secret.....


you wanna know?



lean over so i can tell you?


you hear it?



neither did i.....


hahahahahaha



moral...... there are no dirty little secrets in life, sometimes you just have to wait for things to unfold....

because i can

i don't know what it is.... but falling in love with you.... or shall i shall having the opportunity to fall in love with you, about once or twice a week's pretty cool. i think it could actually extend my life a few years.... maybe, i don't know? what do you think?

tomorrow i will be a few hundred miles away. it will seem like forever... i already know the station that will be playing our favorite night time show, so when you call, we'll talk and i'll fall asleep... (luckily you know 4:00 am is much too early for ANYONE to leave their bed, let alone their home, and you'll forgive me). you, listening to my snores, loud enough for you to remember my touch, yet soft enough for you to remember that i'm not at home.... but know...... what we've always known..... o.k?

and while you don't care for hearts.... i'm sending this one to you....

pensive

sometimes the only arms that can hold you long enough and tight enough, are your own.

forever occurs in an instant. the word disappears in the air. fades. even if it's tattooed upon your skin.

the only place fair exists is in the dictionary. even there it is, as it is in life, contradicted, conflicted irony.

it is ego and pride, not love, that weighs more heavily upon our hearts and dictates our actions.

that inner voice, no matter how silent, never lies... it's just schizophrenic.

follow the feet, not words, no matter how beautifully and sweetly the lips move.

fear destroys loving bonds more then any emotion, as most are rooted and grow from it.

they didn't lie. it is a season. there are no reasons or justifications. life happens the way it's suppose to, it changes without our assistance and permission.

life's moments come and we can never re-live them, so enjoy them as they occur not in memory.

we live learn and grow for that i will always be eternally grateful

it hurts. like hell....

listening to choklate... (thanks trey!) check gettin' is good ....

"life done taught me nothing too good will last forever, imma get it while the gettin' is good."

still hurts.

never thought i would live my life with regrets...

rethinking that motto as i write..

the thought of contemplating regret is as constant as the sun rise. even when i don't see it, i feel it, know it's there. experiencing it almost daily. beautifully tragic. am i finally living the life of the tortured poet. if so, that's a problem.

i have gained "noticeable" weight, so i'm starving myself. lunch was a nice air sandwich and a coke. was so full, i fell asleep in my car at lunch. note the sarcasm, i wasn't full, but i did fall asleep in my car.

i know that i am retreating... too much on my plate. yet, while i complain about the travel, it may be my saving grace. i remember when i moved to ausitn a few years ago, the ONLY reason it was tolerable was because i was never here.

don't get me wrong, there are things that make it great, but these days, everything is morphed into one huge ball, and right now... i need space, i just need to breathe... restlessly, and wrecklessly enough, i believe that will come from, well.....

my dad refers to his leg twitching, as restlessly dissatisfied... one of his many gifts to me.

to quote the BIBLE via me'shell n'degeocello - ecclesiastes: free my heart

"the sun rises and the sun goes down and hastens back to the place where it rose that from thence it may rise again finding all things wearisome unsatisfied my eyes not satisfied with seeing, my ears unsatisfied with hearing wondering of that which is now that which has been and that which is to be for my time on earth i pay so dearly for my past confusion embraces my heart for to know self is to forgive self on my sojourn of truth."

one day... one day, right?

Snuffleupagus aka Cankle Crust

task: our coach gave us a task to write about someone you are not... i had a really great idea, but since i didn't have my computer, i my thoughts turned to this lady that works with me, I call her cankle-crust..... it's not finished...

i hear it again..
it's not time.
no, it's time..
i know

it's 10 am
and i
swallow
stagnant air,
LOUDLY!
gulping expressions
looking for conversation
in empty cups
with circled caffeinated
stains
and rouge lips.
they tease me.
mouthing in
my direction,
clinging to whispers
and secrets.
the cracks and chips along
their edge taunt me.
illustrating the
silence,
before
outlining
the dull roar
hum
then
ding
of the microwave...
it all
hangs along the
balance of empathy
without sympathy.
they too,
ignore me.

i drink time,
as if it were a 9.00 quart
of cheap scotch.
I am a drunk,
dying to find reality
at the bottom of that bottle.
bowing into borrowed existence,
not wanting to recognize
the loaner
had bad credit
and was bankrupt
long before I...

well, it shows
in the crease of
my forced smile.
the seam in my hose,
that runs frantically 'round legs
and ankles that meet
like wide stumps of trunks
in densely dark forests..
i have aged,
chasing silenced dreams
and laughter.
i can't remember
the last sense of familiar
or the first hints
of connection.
it's been 9 days,
4 hours, 16 minutes,
32, 33, 34,
35, 36 seconds.
and counting.
backwards,
the breaths of air
swallow me whole;
leave me wanting,
suffocating in my
insolent chatter.
clamoring bouts
with self
and clandestine
orifices
that speak to me
in languages
i don't quite understand.
or hear.
here
inthismoment
i am visible
to naked eyes
that clothe
cheeks
that turn
toward one
another
for

to be continued..
kdtaylor 2006
section 8 coffee publications
all rights reserved

guess who's back?

I'm back, bee ay chess !! Tired as hell. DID NOT SLEEP.
AND YES, I got on my last nerve... I have so many quirks. I told B the hotel room had character, I had character, and there were too many fcking characters in the room last night. There only needed to be one. ME..... Uh! Yes, I switched rooms only to find HAIR all over the bathroom floor.. And since they weren't locs! Or attached to someone's head, I was grossed the fck out. Especially considering, the REST OF THE ROOM LOOKED GREAT! I spent the remainder of last evening watching the SPURS turn into the SPURTS of OLD, and lose to of all the teams in the WEST! The Dallas Mavericks. And, uh no, I won't be cheering for Dallas, despite the fact I know it was Avery Johnson's ingenious coaching and trading which placed them on the birth of winning the NBA championship this year... I shall switch states, cheer for my old school favorites, the Phoenix Suns (remember Dan Majerle, Jeff Hornacek, Charles Barkley, and Kevin Johnson?). So.. I want Miami and Phoenix to go at it for a change of pace, even though I love Rasheed Wallace.... Any way I watched them lose all the while eating a Dallas Fillet at Texas Road House. But I DID WORK OUT! WEIGHTS AND BIKE. I WILL NOT GO TO NATIONALS LOOKING LIKE A FAT ASS... I WILL NOT!
I almost missed the early flight back home because of this WOMAN who did not work in the program I was auditing, who asked WAYTOOMANYFCKINGQUESTIONS at 11:15 am, when my plane was to depart at 12:25 pm. Uh, she reminded me of a lonely woman who has like cats, dogs or birds whom she named, "honey", "sugar" or "dear", just to hear endearments flow from her lips. Poetically I felt sorry for her, and while I LOVE EL PASO and the FOOD... I wanted her to shut her pie hole so that I could catch my plane, and at least get a bag of chips or something to get on the plane with. I am not the typical State Worker who is lonely and lazy, wants to sleep, eat and drink on the State's time, all the while collecting COMP TIME. I wanted to come home.... Despite the opportunity to eat another steak, well, I do love the steak, but not worth the sacrifice..
God is good. No hard time at the airport. No hard time switching flights. No lay over, got it direct BABY... even got to get some snickers, trail mix and a dr. pepper. ha... the sun is smiling and so am I....

not gonna be able to do it...

i think i'm on my own last nerve.... i walk into the hotel room only to see that the floor is, uh, GROSS... not gross gross, but gross nonetheless. it sucks cuz i'm on less that 5 hours sleep, switched time zones, hungry, and can't bear to switch rooms. but imgonnahaveto! this shyt is not real. i have this thing with hotels, and if i already believe it's gross, i switch rooms like three times. i have to watch the desk person roll their eyes and ask, "what is it this time, ms. bitch", well that's not what their saying but that's sure what their thinking... problem was, i should have canceled the trip after i knew this was the only hotel available, but i didn't, i have a commitment and such. practice was cool last night. really looking forward to product.. think it will come faster and harder than most believe... matter of fact, i'm sure of it.. if i could just have the same confidence in my ability to ignore this room... uh no, i'll see you tomorrow, i've gotta switch rooms again.... i mean, the last time i was here i hung in the lobby until 1:30 in the morning waiting to get sleepy enough to forget my surroundings...

uhhh, but it was so much fun

i feel like i've been knocked over the head with a bat, and some little kid is beating my ass with a giant bag of marbles.... i have fixed, assembled, disassembled, and cleaned more in the last 48 hours than i had all year. and it hurts... it was worth it, and i guess the crack punch didn't hurt either... i don't think i'm hung over, but if i just just scrap this crap off my tongue, i'm sure i'd feel better..... and to top it off, i have to go to practice 'til about 10:00 only to get up at 4:30 to fly out at 6'ish... uhhhh

I am starting this positive..... just letting you know in advance... those weak at heart... and have a tendency to personalize.. There are maybe, at the most, one hundred words before I start my rant....

1) DANIELLE WON! To me, the most improved. And of course, the prettiest (in and out).

2) THE SPURS WON! I can breathe again for another day.

3) 1%! Not the great landslide folk predicted he would be voted off by. Yes, I knew he would go. Just poor song selection, but he was an artist and did him til the very end. Can't wait to see Elliott after the veneers, a better stylist, confidence, and a record deal..... PERIOD.

4) NEO - I came in second. He needed a miracle (we both laughed) and I needed some humility (we both laughed.)

5) Team : Me, B!, 'Chelle, Joe Beazie, and Trey Bear..

okay..... yes, i cried. yes, it hurt. me, her and him were there the first year this started. we wanted this moment since 2003... more than anything we always believed from those faithful days writing at his table taking turns in the "magic chair" (the back would magically disappear as you became more comfortable, if you are slow, it would fall the fck off if you leaned to far). since that day always believed when the day came, we'd be there, together. i cannot apologize for my sadness upon realizing that would not be the case. very conflicting to be happy for my/our accomplishment as a team/venue, but know that she would not be on the stage with me. we three... i, the nut that fell from their branches- good, bad or indifferent. please allow things to be about me and my feelings and not make it about you.

hell was paved with good intentions. but some people need to learn to mind their own business. including me. sometimes when things are broken, broken people feel as if fixing that problem, will some how, fix them. i learned it wouldn't, but sometimes i try. a painful lesson. hopefully you will take the course on what is and what is not your business. i'm learning even more that some things do not need my interference. hopefully you will do the same. if not by everyone, at least do it by me. from day one, i said it was none of my business, and i didn't have an opinion. i maintained that stance until may 17, 2006. i was warned the moment i took a hint of a stance people would use it and run with it. thanks, you won the race. congratulations. but remember life is a series of races, and you can't keep putting all of your energy in other people's races, eventually you're going to have to take a look at the one you've been avoiding. at some point some one will point out.... "you weren't given a lane, or a number in their's and point you in the right direction. and it may not be nice." this doesn't mean i love you any less, it means i have to love with distance and space.

lastly... may must be "kim let a friend down month".

may 17, 2006 - our words have always been our words. i apologize for breaking that, even if it was with good intentions... it's hot in hell.

may 6, 2006 - an argument never means i have to stop loving you. i apologize.

may 3, 2006 - i didn't now it then, but you were truly the best person to carry this load. i could have never endured the criticism (overt and covert), the hurt feelings or the acts of duplicity. i apologize.

may 3, 2006 - my arms aren't always long enough to give you a hug, but that doesn't mean i can't tap you on the shoulder and tell you it's gonna be okay. i apologize.

to the team.. i don't necessarily agree with the path we took to get here. (i say this and i didn't read a single e-mail regarding suggestions on how it would be done. nor did i give feedback when solicited.) so i'm not criticizing, just aware that there would be wounds as a result of every thing. there was no way to please everyone in this situation. in the end, i'd like to think we were still a crew. and that long term relationships will not be affected. matter of fact, i pray that there are not severed, but in some ways strengthened. as trey so eloquently pointed out in the e-mail.. at the end of the night, hopefully we'd still be a family of cool ass poets. i pray that we are. i pray that we are........

Something stinks.... But the writing is on the wall. Call it what it is, and wipe it off your shoes, face, or butt for that matter... Better to be pissed of than pissed on. Pissing from the same cup, as they say, eh? hahahaha.. Coolly and oddly enough my man Slump came back from vacation with a toilet piece... I thought it was funny... Some people take themselves too seriously... He, on the other hand, just takes himself as he is, in whatever mood he's in.. I dig it. Reminds me of me. Not shitting you, get it... hahahaha..
Tonight is our rumble royale... I'm shyting bricks.. hahahaha, naw, I hope I don't pee my pants.. Okay.. Enough already...
Worries for the day:
Elliott Yamin - He may not make it. Now I know some of you are hating on him. I've heard the dumb jokes about turning your head from the television and listening to him.. I watched America's Next Top Model, along with a gazillion make over shows... Some of you are going to hate that you made the comments. Stop shitting on him, as soon as he's voted off (I pray not tonight), his teeth will be fixed in a matter of hours along with a huge record deal, and then what? Say what. Bottom line he is as close to a real brother as you are going to get on that show... AND HE CAN SING HIS ASS OFF. PERIOD. Reuben who? I've been worried about Elliott all day. He has to make it... The only thing Taylor has going for him is his name. hahahahaha. He did do well last night though...

Then the fcking Spurs... Man they are flushing their season down the friggin toilet... Another nail bitter tonight, I'm sure. They are starting to remind of the Spurs, or shall I say Spurts of old... They are still my TEAM, just, well, damn....

Make it worse, they announced this morning that the final Clarabell the Clown died on Sunday... Unless you are deathly afraid of clowns, you know it's a sad day... Well, I guess you could be afraid of clowns, recognize the significance and know that it's a sad day.. Unless of course. Never mind. I'm sure I'm draining.. hahahahaha (remember the toliet?)

Sending love to Brooklyn. As is everyone else. It stinks, but it's not shyt... it's just something in the air. Just something in the air.

Lastly, I think. I saw a brother at the bus stop this afternoon wearing pink sneakers. A polo shirt with red, green, blue, black, and brown stripes. A white cap with red, green and brown stripes. And white, FLY-like sun glasses. You know the ones that make you look like a bug? He looked like a crayon cart crashed right into his ass.

Okay, yup.. I know... FCK DISH NETWORK.... I dvr'd America's Next Top Model all day Saturday, and watched it.... for what? For me to discover that I do not have (Under - Privledge Negro Network) UPN. I say discovered, I made myself FORGET ABOUT Everyone Hates Chris, 'cuz we didn't have UPN. Now.. SCREAMING LOUDLY... I want Danielle to win. She held her own, and improved the most throughout the season. Now Jade is cold, but she isn't the total package. And on the real, I loved how this sister refused to close he gap (initially). I do wish that she would learn to speak. She does herself an injustice. And I am a southerner who does not SOUND like a southerner. Especially when I am around Mo and my other "worldy" friends. HAHAHA...

Okay.. I know, what's the deal with the squirrels. They are not my favorite animal or anything, but I think they're kind of cute.... I guess, maybe the one who got his butt kicked yesterday, was the joker eye balling me today during lunch. I mean he was standing on a limb, tall like, like he was gonna jump or something... Kind of scared the shyt out of me, and those that know me know my size doesn't mean a thing.... I will run... Anyway, he was eye balling me, making me a bit nervous so I moved to sit on the stairs away from his gully ass. I watch the other, the more, pro-social squirrels, play or gather food, or mate, whatever they were doing... It was kind of cool. They kind of skip jump, and I watched one, I'll call "Jordan", get at least 12 inches of air between his paws and the ground.... They also played in the drainage pipe along the side of a building facing me. It was a great way to spend lunch. I love parks and stuff when it's time to work.... And my job has a park like atmosphere. So that makes for my true aquairian ass to need an ADD medication, because I am truly losing track of time... The trees are green, it's breezy.. Great day to be alive.... I'm jermaine dupreeing, on the real... I'm so serious... Never mind....

Mockingbird - 3
CT - 0
Squirrel - 0

Today sitting outside my office practicing, I had an opportunity to watch a mockingbird kick a squirrels ass. No, I kid you not. He literally chased the squirrels ass under a park bench, not of course, without snatching bits of fur from it's back. I watched, as the terrified squirrel peaked from under the bench after a while, then scurry up another tree. I guess he was afraid the bird might come back. I know it's not funny, but it was... Okay I'm a simpleton. It wouldn't be funny, I guess, if I hadn't watch two other mockingbirds, (I'm sure from the same gang) get my god son on two occassions..... First, when he was standing in the yard joking and talking big (shyt) about knocking it's nest down from an under-developed tree in our front yard. I was telling him I hoped it wasn't a mockingbird, because I have been chased by them. He, in youthful disbelief, stated they were just birds, that they really couldn't do any damage. Just as he said it, the bird flew from the nest straight toward his arms... We both laughed at the timing and the irony (okay, I have the sense of humor of an adolescent boy). Secondly, a few days later, as he was moving a plant another bird flew from the planter, brushing past his face... Which was funnier... Especially since.. Well, you get it.... it was hilarious... I got a bike for mother's day.... Which was wayyyyyyyy cool........ Despite the sadness mother's day can bring, I must admit, it was a good day... I played handy! I assembled a desk (it didn't fall apart!), took the legs from another, and reassembled it!!!, did poorly with hanging curtains.... I kind of butchered the wall... So uh, the drill has been taken from me. I did learn about liquid nail.. Way cooler!! Made breakfast (didn't burn anything)... So despite the poem posted... (a very old one). I did mourn my village, managed to pay homage to my home, text'd my girls holding it down as real moms, (I even text'd my sisters, except for the one in SA, sorry, I didn't call anyone, can't make myself say it out loud)... And even dads.... And if I didn't get ya, happy belated mother's day....

Three Minutes in September
(In Memory of Mary E. Taylor)

September has never been really a good year,
the memories etch, sketch, graffiti and tattoo their hearts with fear.
Tears flow incessantly like much needed cascading waterfalls in hell.
Shhh. Listen close, their eyes have a painful story to tell.
Little brown five and three year old thighs
stick to electric blue chaise lounge listening to whys,
to questions that divide the voices to sounds they can never comprehend.
The vibrations twirl, flow, fight, the air to twist and bend,
then fall blindly silent on unknowing little five and three year old ears;
while the melodious harmonies disconcertingly pepper their spines with fear.
Old folk, young people, children, walk, mummer, mumble, stumble in another room.
The air above, heavy, musty, stank suffocating gloom,
stiffening cries slip from forlorn orifices below...
Pinging ponging, bouncing, whispering and hinting responses to their own echoes.
As sadly, sleepy little five and three years old eyes
shed tears emulating blank faces they don't recognize.
September, they remember the artic grief in the air,
it ripped, tore skin, flesh, bones, leaving them bare...
Exposing pulsating little five and three year old shattered hearts
Leaving a million tiny pieces, leaving their world torn apart.
Sobs thunderously open causing syllables to form acid rain,
Drizzling grief and sorrow on confused little five and three year old brains.
They see her hazel eyes dressed in white, dance in the horizon, without saying goodbye,
She is no longer there to brush the blood red tears from the corner of their eyes.
Someone tried to explain that she wouldn't be coming home, anytime soon
This cut little five and three year old feelings so deep, they felt the Earth move
You see, no one could really explain their mother's treason,
Disappearing and dying in the darkness without rhyme or reason.
Leaving them together to navigate the world on their own,
In this barren space they must now call home.
they remember the day eyes wide shut turned from brown to shades of blue
On that melancholy, winter like day when they were forced to say farewell to you..

Harlem to Brooklyn....

"Your silence will not protect you."
Audre Lourde

"I searched a store with a million t-shirts, thir13teen. How could I have brought back one you already had?"
Poet in Law
"You didn't. You brought me back a black one. You know me well enough to know my taste."
Me..

El Paso. Busted. Tired. No trip across to Juarez for cheap liquor or shoes (Pumas). Landed at 6:45. Called Brooklyn at 7:00. (still waiting for return)Home at 7:30. Hosted open mic. Recognized and discussed my short comings. Took advice, yours, hers, his, his, and HIS. Found forgiveness, but it still hurts like hell. KA got a SUV. Saw the pictures of you, little you, Guy, Poet in Law and Yemeyah... I was JEALOUS AGAIN... You didn't tell me about the summer move. Please coax her into staying until October. Or at least drag her here with you and guy in August. Found forgiveness under a shiny new penny. Still hurts like hell. Resolved at least one personal conflict. I am growing.... Recognized that I let myself down when I let a friend down. Apologized for my frailties. Agreed to do another task, I fly out a week from Monday. Our Brother Bird who makes a hella brisket is back in the hospital. I'm praying. Am trying to go tomorrow to see him. Kissed KA on the cheek. Found forgiveness in his dimple. Still hurts like hell. Chris Lee qualified for our Slam Finals. How are you doing with yours? Oh, and loyalty? Well, it's been hiding, too. Found it in drainage ditch a few blocks from the house. Polluted. Diluted. Not quite the same. Found kinship in a few words and a t-shirt. I have been looking in all the wrong places....
love ya like ac in the texas summer.....

my eyes have grown accustomed to what is often misunderstood.
my ears have learned to decipher pain which will forever remain inaudible.
i pray that my eyes and ears catch up to my true purpose.
allow me to live free of other's blinders and restrictions.
allow others to exist free of my judgments and opinions.
allow me to see life as it truly is...
a small part of some unworldly plan
that never needs my assistance or voice
to be achieved.
amen....

k.i.m.
thir13teennomore

NO MO' 13..... MO' LIVE Mik....

i am one thought running thru a thousand minds
i am all over the place.
i am nowhere.
i'm like liquor often on the lips of others
for all the wrong reasons.
that 's what he didn't know.
what he didn't know
was i didn't have another poem in me
didn't have the words to describe the fear
i felt in the moment....
the love lost in the past
the faith i could make it another day,
and like the cigarette he lit
i, too, felt packed under pressure.
i, too, felt the heat.
i, too, felt used,
to be discarded,
toss aside
when others were through..
i was burned ash
helplessly disappearing in the air...
lost and forgotten.
what he didn't know was i didn't have another
poem in me,
didn't have a song to sing,
couldn't quite find the beat..
and my feet were often too damn heavy
to feel the lift in the music to dance...
i heard a different rhythm
had grown deaf searching for the harmony
in it all..
when he heard lyrics,
i heard screams...
they say jesus wept,
but i wonder if he wept for me.......

call me thir13teen no more......

and ELM.... I LOVE YOU ALWAYS..... thanks.... for allowing me to be a simple needle and thread, to the brick and mortar (foundation and stability) you bring to my life.... what would i ever do without you and the sapling......... probably go a bit crazier............

friENd of minE MY last word.

I was 5, she was 70. She was my best friend. She taught me much about life, because of her there a tender, overly sensitive, God-fearing woman that peeks helplessly behind the brown in my almond shaped eyes. She guides me each morning, coaxing me out of bed, telling me, I can face it all. Her memory says "leave the bad things under the covers. I'll take care of them with the wash. Live for the day, as if it's your last, doing what you need, and if you're lucky, you can do what you want."
My formative years were spent with my great-grand. My values, conflicting as they seem to the novice, unacquainted with ME EYE, are consistent with her generation. Daily, I awake struggling with being her first great-grand child, the one she taught to be gentle and sweet; versus, the woman I've grown to become due to circumstance and experience... Each day. Every day. I battle myself, and my expectations of others.
She taught me to NEVER step on another's back to get ahead or what I want, because one day I could fall off their back onto my ASS. Not not be willing to say anything about anyone in their absence, I wouldn't be willing to say in their presence. (Ask me, you'd be surprised with what I will say.) Don't slander anyone, no matter how vicious their words may become . (I sometimes struggle with that one, but I am willing to say it to your face.) Don't ever put your hands on another when you are angry. (I have pushed and been pushed, though). When approached with gossip, never use someone else to get you off the hook. (I often take the blame for other's bullshyt when I know I can say, at the most ten things, to point the angry person in the right direction. You know, the person who was really dogging your ass out). Never mind being alone in the world as long as you know you have God in your heart and family at home. Loyalty is important. If you are loyal, others will be loyal to you. Pray for every one, every night, regardless.
As a child, I foolishly believed everyone thought this way. Moving through adolescence into adulthood, I realized that people do not have the same approach to life. And while I wanted to desperately hold onto her values/belief system... 'cuz I know if there is a heaven and my great grand's not talking to someone, she' s looking down at my ass, wondering what am I doing, and had I forgot EVERYTHING she taught me?
Well, great-grand, if you're looking, or reading, here's the issue:
1) I don't want to be bothered with half the fools that want to be bothered with me.
2) I'm pretty much not concerned with anything, unless it directly impacts me or the ones I love.
3) Really could care less most days about anything outside of me or the ones I love...
4) That loyalty thing is a crock of ___________.
And while this isn't you, or your teachings, I had to learn to protect myself. At some point I have to fight back, and while this is VERY PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE on my part.... I have to get this off my chest... FCK U AND THE BITCH ASS TONGUE THAT HAS TO PLAY INCH HIGH PRIVATE EYE AND ASK ANYONE WHO THE FCK I'M TALKING ABOUT CUZ IT'S PROBABLY YOU! AND YES, I'M HURT, NOT MAD. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE, DON'T GET IT TWISTED..... Any way, great-grand.... Well, you know, some of the people you left me with would rather get drunk or high than visit a church house so I've learned to handle things with reactionary anger... and well, I'm trying not to react.... Well, hell (oops), you pretty much know what I was going to say... So mannerably I say, without malice in my heart or voice raised.... the people (family, so-called friends more so than enemies) have taught me that:
1) Fck loyalty.
2) People will lie to you in your face every chance they get.
3) People will call you on YOUR PHONE to lie, only to repeat THEIR LIE to someone else, passing it off as YOURS.
4) People are selfish and self-seeking, and will take anything and everything that can from you... EVEN YOUR LAST BREATH....
5) PEOPLE WILL LIE....
6) AND SOME STUPID MF, THAT SHOULDN'T BE COMMENTING, WILL PLACE SOME BULLSHYT COMMENT IN THE COMMENT SECTION AND PASS IT OFF ASS SINCERE...

Me - Pictures/Quotes For Angel

Professionally
"..for black poets belong to black people. Are flutes for black lovers. Are organs of black sorrow. Are the trumpets of black warriors. Let all black poets die as trumpets, and be buried in the dust of marching feet."

for black poets who think of suicide - etheridge knight (poet)

Personally

"If I didn't define myself for myself, I'd be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive." audre lourde (poet)











Overall
"All men and women are born, live suffer and die; what distinguishes us one from another is our dreams, whether they be dreams about worldly or unworldly things, and what we do to make them come about... We do not choose to be born. We do not choose our parents. We do not choose our historical epoch, the country of our birth, or the immediate circumstances of our upbringing. We do not, most of us, choose to die; nor do we choose the time and conditions of our death. But within this realm of choicelessness, we do choose how we live."

Joseph Epstein (essayist/author)

conversations

"I mean, what would you do if you woke up the next morning and thought God was dead?".
paraphrasing the work of
Mr. Zell Miller, III
Austin Slam Team 2005, 2006

She sat in darkened room, lightening shattered the depression that swelled inside her bosom. memories and ghosts from her past, sat stilled in the shadows.

"ah've known lil' peace, an' piece a' min' iza lux'ry ah can't a'ford. 'specially win ah done bounce da check owed from yesti'deys washed out dreams." i felt her noose of despair, regret and tears cut close against my neck. the sting jarred me back into the reality of the moment. silenced by betrayed voices, i sat paralyzed dodging her words. and her story. as if they were bullets threatening my life. the core of my existence. dodging, in fear, that one day, her story may be my own...

"win ah die, dere may be tin, 'leven peoples at da fune'ral, dat's iffin dey ain't altready dead. mostly family. so ah guess ah'll be cremated." she chuckles eerily at the reality of her statement. "babee, ah have lived mah life 'n fear, 'n wile, ah don't pity mah'self fo' da de'cisons ah've made, at times ah'm, 'shamed. ah see it 'n yer face. chile, now, dontcha go feelin' sorry fa me. ah'm ma ole wo'min. ah've lived mah life. ah'm notta lonely wo'min. lone'ness iz ah state ah' min'. an' ah ain't got dat state 'n mah min'. jus' yit. always had mah thangs, ya know, mah share. ah've lived. even if 'n fear. ah've lived. ah've had family, friends an' love at dif'rent times 'n mah life. but mah bigges' struggle wuz jus' learnin' ta luv me. could nevah quite git dat one dere r'aight. life will giv' ya many 'speriences, ya jus' have ta chose da right lessin... sumthin', ah've nevah bin good at babee, sumthin'.... ah've, nevah bin good at. learnt much too late fa my likein', das ahl." she turns slightly to her left, allowing her voice to journey along the dust tracks to the corner of the small room. there rests shattered colors and scar tissue framed neatly along top a dresser. she smiles softly in their direction with conflicted solace. i am unable to recognize her seemingly affectionate gaze, as one of my own. yet, the feeling overwhelmed me.

"ah don't 'no if it wuz upbringin', loss, 'r gain dat taut me mos'. az a child, ah los' jus' 'bout ev'rythin', an' ev'ryone dat i believed evah luv me. dey simply walk out or died. an', let me tellya, don't let noone tellya dere's a difference. 'cuz it ain't. ah learnt dat peoples leave early 'n mah life. ah also learnt dat dey will dis'point ya. seem like leavin' an' dis'pointment wuz mo' like family den mah blood kin. so ah learnt real quick notta put too much stock 'n peoples. dat iffin ya wont anydang 'n dis here life, you hafta learn ta git it fo' yo'self. gots to be 'n control. gotta muddie yer feets, and callous yer hands.. 'cept, late' on, win ya ole like me, ya learn ya can't control nothin' sides you.. 'less, course ya willin' to fight. an' ah ain't nevah bin no fighta... ah'd like ta thank ah would iffin ah had ta.. ah'd put up a good front. ah'd stay, but 'n mah heart ah'd quit a long time 'go... guess, win it came r'aight down ta it.. nuthin' wuz really evah worff fightan' fo. guessin' das why noone evah really fot fa' me, ah rekon. ain't nevah fot fo' no man or wo'min fa dat matta. and chile, ah have a thurst. ah'm ma thrusty fa luv, lil like mos thrusty fa watta. bin dat wey since ah wuz a chile. guessin' no ma uh do dat der ta ya. so's ah lookit 'n otha peoples. neva made me fill no betta tho. guessin' dats why ah nevah had no chilin'. too hart fa 'em. me bein' dey ma an' all. an' ain't gone keep naw man 'roun' fah long e'ter.. hehehe.. peoples jus' git on mah nervs sumtime babee. but, ah've a'wayz bin thusrty fa luv. sumone ta luv me. so's one haz nevah bin 'nuff. seem likes dey sey one thang den do anutha. imma take careovya. imma do dis. imma do dat dere. an' me, well. ah starts out wit da bes' intentions, but ain't bin no good at finishin'. so we bof en' up not happy. and ah. well, like ah sed, ah needed mo. dat's all ah'll sey 'bout dat. guess, tho, jus' learnt it'z betta to be 'lone. ah ain't gone be lonelee wit sum damn body layin' up 'n mah bed. jus' learnt ya don't need no body but ya'self. Das' all ya really have 'n da en', jus' you an' God.'"

thunder cracked, breaking my trance. i lay in cold sweat. in fear, i place my hand across my neck to feel the dampness of the welt from her noose.

De(feet)eD

"Et tu, Brute?"

"Shake yourself from the dust, rise up, O captive Jerusalem;
Loose yourself from the chains around your neck. O captive daughter of Zion. "

"Whoever does not receive you, nor heed your words, as you go out of that house or that city, shake the dust off your feet."

"you could tell by her walk that she knew what it felt like to be
a rare diamond on the lower shelf in a pawn shop
surrounded by costume jewelry,
often mistaken for trash
no longer held her self worth,
abandoned, betrayed
and used.
worn over.
sort of like her shoes"

"feet torn thru shoes worn longer then the span of my life
the threads as frayed as the ones that cover my soul
seen miles longer then the lines that trace my eyes and lies."

"Her shoes made of love and confidence, have no souls
They are much too old
They like her, have been trampled, used and seen too many lonely miles
She's traveled many backroads, she takes it all in stride."

Another Equation

Friend + Dishonesty = Hater
Pride - Ego = Insecurity
Hater + Insecurity = Knife
Hater + Insecurity x Knife = Backstabber

Got Bodies?

www.backstabbingbitches.com

Here My Dear - 13

13) I Want You - Marvin Gaye
12) We Can Be New - Amel Larrieux
11) Can't Get Over You - Frankie Beverly/Maze
10) Reasons - Faith Evans
09) Guess Who Loves You More - Raheem DeVaughn
08) Spend The Night - Rashaan Patterson
07) Rush Over - Me'Shell NdegeOcello
06) Whatever (Live) - Jill Scott
05) Butterflies - Alicia Keys
04) Beauty in the Dark - Isley Brother featuring Mos Def
03) You Move Me - Cassandra WIlson
02) As - Stevie Wonder
01) Be Without You - Mary J Blige

the equation

no mother
+
no father
x
holy ghost
immaculate conception
-
God
=
?/0 answers