seconds

seconds of air

and

words

exchanged

are better than none.......

I am not good at these things...

Never have been...

I am not sure where to start.

Everyone I've ever believed truly loved me no longer walks upon the Earth. No! I am not a martyr.

I have never been able to foster and develop the most important relationship in a child's life outside of one with the creator. One with my mother...

NOT AN EXCUSe...

My REALiTY.

For that reason, it is difficult for me to connect with another human being... I LONG FOR intimate relationships (platonic and romantic).. Yet I struggle... How do I know how to love unconditionally when the blue print or the how to guide in my DNA remains neatly folded tucked away in my mind's heart...

Everyone else I believed TRULY loved me died before I was 11. My Great Grand was the last one.... I had glimpses in a favorite Aunt who passed away days before I was to return home for my HS reunion....

My Grand was a difficult woman. I believed I spent most of my life trying to make her proud or show a sign that she genuinely loved me... I mean I know she loved me, it's just... well...

This is not some no one loved me as a kid stuff.... I was loved... yet

My adult significant other relationships have been based upon my relationship with my Grand. Which means I have spent my life loving someone more than they loved me. Trying to make them love me which often led to relationships which failed miserably... Each of them reeked of my Grand. They were also plagued with my dysfunction and disconnect...

YOU... make me want to connect on so many levels... YOU.. are my great grand's love. YOU.. are my mother's love...

AND I AM SO AFRAID.....

How do I make this work in the absence of fear and dysfunction?

YOU love me and I know it. I feel it in every breath that fills my lungs.... And while I will attempt to minimize and downplay my feeling for you in a crowded room of strangers and people I'm really... not trying to impress....

I LOVE YOU!!! And I don't know what's so friggin hard about that....

I love you.... And I won't squander another day trying to suppress my feeling out of fear. and routine. and friggin laziness...

i love you... and i will never deny the depth of that love to anyone ever again....

even if you don't recognize...

me... I'm still here...


happy birthday Grand....

Margaret R. Belisle...

Autumn Leaves

We have

Had

our season....

It doesn't mean Autumn is no longer my favorite ...

It is...

It remains the same nostalgic beauty pulling blood and conjuring blues from my soul..

A pleasurable pain, I must learn to forget...

just not (ready) yet...

September, while painful, nearly a favorite month, as it is.. the ending and beginning.

Sometimes we have to start at the end to get back to the middle..

I don't want the beginning..

U...

have always, will always be.. the middle.

I hold a tear in each palm..

praying...

they find their way back to each other

in some form...

even if they evaporate

slip into gaseous state

from friction

angered heat

or fear...

they. u. me.

existed.

I'm here

drop(ping)... Leaves

Leaves,

Fall,

Cool breezes carry memories I can't shake.. The anticipation of colder leaner months, chill my bones and cause my thoughts to chatter anxiously like teeth clip click clapping a top one another in the dead of Winter.

Leaves under feet, crush, crackle and I think of laughter and smiles..

Your laughter. Your smile.

Thoughts clip click clap chatter... shaking feelings chilling my bones...

It's mid Autumn.

Trees, much like our connection... sparse and barren..

Lonely disconnects waiting for warmth moisture

Doesn't mean I don't reminiscence....

Doesn't mean I don't stand in the emotion despite the anticipation of OUR COLD winter chill ever present in mood and rooms..

Perhaps you will never know...

Reds, browns and golds remain my favorite color....

The smell of cracked burning wood causes my heart to flutter...

And the leaves, well, they carry their simple message upon the missing breeze.....

absent, yet present.

"the body, not spirit, always leaves...

remember me in the leaves... look for me in the spring..."

kdtaylor, 2009

after

no one told me it would hurt this

good

bad

cannot imagine

that pain

dabbed precisely 'round the earlobes

smells

bitter sweet..

(ever) lasting

sweet thick like molasses

(soon turning stomachs)


nothing else/ doesn't matter..

the smell

like U

remains...

as does the pain..

it's not good

or bad...

just is...

and i pray

u caught a glimpse

of yearn,

wane

and apologies

from my eyes..

caught a whiff

of U/ME/US

in the air

AS

i continue to dab slightly

the haunting familiar

behind my...

kdtaylor, 2009

singing

you have placed a song in my heart.... the words, like my love for you intensify each day. making it more difficult to articulate. i can't sing. nor can i dance.. yet there is a beat. a rhythm. a tune. i bob my head to the beat resonating in my blood cells, forcing my heart to skip beats and scratch memories of a previous life without you from my skin...

Kimmie's Rings......

Smoke wisps past fullness of lightly glossed lips
lingers round fresh clipped fingertips
forms grey rings in darkness
one second past midnight…
Tiffany ring on fourth finger,
tightened by the rushed flush of blood cells
flowing from my pocketbook
to my heart then back again
it’s echoed beats
forms golden rings
passionately curving my
heart’s thoughts ‘round your soul…
somewhere there is a
tenth generation sapling
growing within and into it’s
destined rings
a million miles from its’ origin.
a descendant of the first seed
that fell from the first fruit
slipped from the first she’s
curled tainted and tinted lips
from the
first enticing bite...
the first circle of life
the first of the first
lasts
loops,
plummets
then buries itself
into the thick rich soil
encircling our first mother’s ankles
covering her toes…
it grows in the shadowed remains
of obscured providence
when G.O.D. once saw us as he saw himself
and we saw ourselves as stars
orbiting moments and eras,
before falling from grace in this space as human…
and I am stilled.
grounded.
can look
above below
right left
to and fro
and still see…
the inception of heaven
the birth of earth
in the warmth sphere
illuminating from the doe brown in your eyes.
the glow of your smile
the vibrant colors that
circle, swirl and burn
just above your head.
you are not a cliché’.
I’l l never refer to you as my angel,
simply mine
I’m not saying it’s a halo,
but, there’s a ring,
ringing, beaming, gleaming, sitting
slightly crooked above you head…
and it is calling me…
channeling me
ringing me from sweet slumber
ringing bells
ringing and reminding me…
and I’m listening…
listening to the ringing resonating
in the hummed ring
ringing rhythmically with the sway from your hips
the hummed ring
of sweet summer stickied bitterness of forgotten love
the hummed ring
from aged and aching bended knees in prayer..
the hummed ring
wringing tears from my pained love
and I’m searching for
my being, my truth,
I’m searching for
my mother’s hazel eyes
and her waning influence
in the fog hazed rings
encircling YOU,
my moon… my star isolated in
my light burning so brightly
it convinces my mind it’s blinded darkness
There are rings ‘round Saturn
marking moments
marking time
like infinity and destiny
You and me.
YOU.
My figure eight, eternal…
Ringing, singing, being,
Looping like a good bad love song
Over and over
Black vinyl skipping,
Penny weighed needle on a
Circling Victrola
Bass booming atop
Rims and 22’s
Stilled spins at concrete cracked stoops
speeding toward yesteryear
There are rings in tress,
Counting perpetually,
Unyielding never ending
Coming full circle…
Like the curiosity of my hungered tongue
Circling your nipples, navels and things
There are rings
And they are ringing
Ringing chimes
Rings ringing in mind
Dangling from ears
Circling our fingers
A circus!
Our three rings
I’m swirling in circles
Following, examining rings
Rings on stomach, hips and things
proof of life…
Your ring,
My ring
You me, connected indefinitely..
You an eternal flame
Scorching inside me
And the smoke…
Escapes with the words
Swirling from the rings
Buried deep within me…

kdtaylor, 2009
section 8 coffee
all rights reserved...

Friday.....

where you been all my life?

Bismillah (thankful prayer)

In the name of God, Most Gracious, Most Merciful...
I know you have been working on my emotional health and spirit. I continue to fight the idea of what's just and right, the judgement of others, my righteous indignation, false accusations and outright lies. I know that going "underground" is not the best way to handle things as it leaves questions regarding my character and genuineness. However, I am tired of taking the "high road" and not responding to critics and defending myself.

Today, I have faith that I don't have to and will not resort to behaviors that are inconsistent in what you have placed in my heart, mind and soul.

I pray for the strength to continue to walk with my head held high, knowing there is my side, another's side and your path. While my feet have grown weary, please continue to guide me as I walk this path of redemption, re-birth and growth.

Thanks for all the lessons (by act, person or possession) you have placed before me. I live without regret as I know everything that has happened as lead me to this place.

In other words, I thank you for this space, this place.

I open my heart and mind to G(good) O(orderly) D(direction) as I know I will be granted your G(grace) given many O(opportunities) to fulfill my D(destiny).

kdtaylor

Question..

Never let anyone question you or your integrity... The response is as relative to the questioner's ability to be honest with themselves...Honesty is a two way mirror or a double edged sword. There is an element of dishonesty in their ability to determine, judge and question who YOU are. Simply put arguing who you are with anyone aside from you is like arguing with a fool... UNKNOWN

wishing wells...

prayer has taught me to abandon the idea of wishing wells...
there is no change in exchange for the change granted through faith...
wishing wells are much to shallow to hold blessings as abundant as joy, hope, love, & forgiveness...
i have wished and placed change in many wells..
then i started to pray...
i don't want to be reminded of what pennies have gotten me...
i know that they were necessary
yet i will sing praises to what i have gained through prayer..
and this is just the obvious...

This is ME now: dIscoverIng.....

Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Beneath the quiet exterior, INFJs hold deep convictions about the weightier matters of life. Those who are activists -- INFJs gravitate toward such a role -- are there for the cause, not for personal glory or political power.

INFJs are champions of the oppressed and downtrodden. They often are found in the wake of an emergency, rescuing those who are in acute distress. INFJs may fantasize about getting revenge on those who victimize the defenseless. The concept of 'poetic justice' is appealing to the INFJ.

"There's something rotten in Denmark." Accurately suspicious about others' motives, INFJs are not easily led. These are the people that you can rarely fool any of the time. Though affable and sympathetic to most, INFJs are selective about their friends. Such a friendship is a symbiotic bond that transcends mere words.

INFJs have a knack for fluency in language and facility in communication. In addition, nonverbal sensitivity enables the INFJ to know and be known by others intimately.

Writing, counseling, public service and even politics are areas where INFJs frequently find their niche.

Functional Analysis:

Introverted iNtuition
Introverted intuitives, INFJs enjoy a greater clarity of perception of inner, unconscious processes than all but their INTJ cousins. Just as SP types commune with the object and "live in the here and now" of the physical world, INFJs readily grasp the hidden psychological stimuli behind the more observable dynamics of behavior and affect. Their amazing ability to deduce the inner workings of the mind, will and emotions of others gives INFJs their reputation as prophets and seers. Unlike the confining, routinizing nature of introverted sensing, introverted intuition frees this type to act insightfully and spontaneously as unique solutions arise on an event by event basis.

Extraverted Feeling
Extraverted feeling, the auxiliary deciding function, expresses a range of emotion and opinions of, for and about people. INFJs, like many other FJ types, find themselves caught between the desire to express their wealth of feelings and moral conclusions about the actions and attitudes of others, and the awareness of the consequences of unbridled candor. Some vent the attending emotions in private, to trusted allies. Such confidants are chosen with care, for INFJs are well aware of the treachery that can reside in the hearts of mortals. This particular combination of introverted intuition and extraverted feeling provides INFJs with the raw material from which perceptive counselors are shaped.

Introverted Thinking
The INFJ's thinking is introverted, turned toward the subject. Perhaps it is when the INFJ's thinking function is operative that he is most aloof. A comrade might surmise that such detachment signals a disillusionment, that she has also been found lacking by the sardonic eye of this one who plumbs the depths of the human spirit. Experience suggests that such distancing is merely an indication that the seer is hard at work and focusing energy into this less efficient tertiary function.

Extraverted Sensing
INFJs are twice blessed with clarity of vision, both internal and external. Just as they possess inner vision which is drawn to the forms of the unconscious, they also have external sensing perception which readily takes hold of worldly objects. Sensing, however, is the weakest of the INFJ's arsenal and the most vulnerable. INFJs, like their fellow intuitives, may be so absorbed in intuitive perceiving that they become oblivious to physical reality. The INFJ under stress may fall prey to various forms of immediate gratification. Awareness of extraverted sensing is probably the source of the "SP wannabe" side of INFJs. Many yearn to live spontaneously; it's not uncommon for INFJ actors to take on an SP (often ESTP) role.

Famous INFJs:
Nathan, prophet of Israel
Aristophanes
Chaucer
Goethe
Robert Burns, Scottish poet

U.S. Presidents:
Martin Van Buren
James Earl "Jimmy" Carter
Nathaniel Hawthorne
Fanny Crosby, (blind) hymnist
Mother Teresa of Calcutta
Fred McMurray (My Three Sons)
Shirley Temple Black, child actor, ambassador
Martin Luther King, Jr., civil rights leader, martyr
James Reston, newspaper reporter
Shirley McClain (Sweet Charity, ...)
Piers Anthony, author ("Xanth" series)
Michael Landon (Little House on the Prairie)
Tom Selleck
John Katz, critic, author
Paul Stookey (Peter, Paul and Mary)
U. S. Senator Carol Moseley-Braun (D-IL)
Billy Crystal
Garry Trudeau (Doonesbury)
Nelson Mandela
Mel Gibson
Carrie Fisher
Nicole Kidman
Jamie Foxx
Sela Ward
Mark Harmon
Gary Dourdan
Marg Helgaberger
Evangeline Lilly
Tori May

This is ME.... now

Introverted iNtuiting Feeling Judging
by Marina Margaret Heiss
INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn.

INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.

Due in part to the unique perspective produced by this alternation between detachment and involvement in the lives of the people around them, INFJs may well have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil. The most important contributing factor to this uncanny gift, however, are the empathic abilities often found in Fs, which seem to be especially heightened in the INFJ type (possibly by the dominance of the introverted N function).

This empathy can serve as a classic example of the two-edged nature of certain INFJ talents, as it can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations. More explicit inner conflicts are also not uncommon in INFJs; it is possible to speculate that the causes for some of these may lie in the specific combinations of preferences which define this complex type. For instance, there can sometimes be a "tug-of-war" between NF vision and idealism and the J practicality that urges compromise for the sake of achieving the highest priority goals. And the I and J combination, while perhaps enhancing self-awareness, may make it difficult for INFJs to articulate their deepest and most convoluted feelings.

Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills. Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. Psychology and counseling are other obvious choices, but overall, INFJs can be exceptionally difficult to pigeonhole by their career paths. Perhaps the best example of this occurs in the technical fields. Many INFJs perceive themselves at a disadvantage when dealing with the mystique and formality of "hard logic", and in academic terms this may cause a tendency to gravitate towards the liberal arts rather than the sciences. However, the significant minority of INFJs who do pursue studies and careers in the latter areas tend to be as successful as their T counterparts, as it is *iNtuition* -- the dominant function for the INFJ type -- which governs the ability to understand abstract theory and implement it creatively.

In their own way, INFJs are just as much "systems builders" as are INTJs; the difference lies in that most INFJ "systems" are founded on human beings and human values, rather than information and technology. Their systems may for these reasons be conceptually "blurrier" than analogous NT ones, harder to measure in strict numerical terms, and easier to take for granted -- yet it is these same underlying reasons which make the resulting contributions to society so vital and profound.

September................

Thank you G.O.D.

I made it through another one....

It was bitter and painful.....

As always, it involved significant loss....

this time i lost a part of me I want ghost forever.....

goodbye 13 the unlucky and bad enough to pull it off....... i don't need you anymore.....

this is me NOW... 13 can't be divided, almost got one more up my sleeve, a little extra (i.e. baker's dozen) and a little odd....

my village, you came and visited.... you showed and told me...your presence has been felt and heard... and yes, i will embrace my "paranoia" as there are things in this world i cannot face, mental illness helps ME sustain... and the people (what people) i (are you sure) need in my life today (i thought you meant tomorrow), accept me (ARE YOU SURE) and this illness (no REALITY) ROTFLMAO... I slay myself..

i no longer need a persona to hide behind, just a cool moniker i can't quite leave behind..

you have brought me home...

WELCOME OCTOBER........... and the sweet Autumn breeze..

weendend gurlzzz

F'ing GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREATTTTTTTTTTTT Weekend!!!!!

airing dirty laundry

You want to air dirty laundry. There is no dirt here. I have nothing negative or hurtful to do or say.

I have always been a private person. If left up to me, I’d still be the socially awkward teenager who sat obscurely in the backdrop of the background. Seriously.

Not 13 the fcking poet that every one thinks they know. Not 13 the “host” of Neo-Soul. Not “Kim” your ex. Not the “Kim” that everyone thinks “they know”. ‘Cuz they don’t. They know only what I’ve allowed them to “create in their minds” and the “one” I allowed you to humiliate and manipulate time and time again.

No more. This is me.

In the last few weeks, I’ve allowed you to transform into the martyr needed to rally troops to your side. Victim is not your size or color, you don’t wear it well at all, it clashes against your brashness. (Always one of your better attributes.) Funny how wrong always needs something to convince “IT” that “IT” is right. Funnier, how people who were sooooooo happy for me, are now sooooooooo sad for you. I believe my happiness should never be at your expense. And nothing was done to hurt you, purposely.

Each “abandoned allegiance/defection” has given you the diluted vigor you need to “fuel your unjust truth and indignation. (Please note the quotation marks as anyone who discussed ME/US with YOU was NEVER MY FRIEND in the first place.) However, instead of allowing people to take advantage of you and your situation, I beg of you to look at the messenger(s). These people are no more interested in you and your “plight” than they were while we were together. They are only interested in making themselves feel and look better. Something, if you were in your “right” mind you could see.

There is no preconceived idea that there are "haters" or people that don't want me to be happy. I live by the idea that people are people and they do what they do. I don't have to participate in it or like it.. We are selfish and self seeking in nature. I am not trying to be the envy or darling, let alone a victim or victimizer in anyone’s eye, just trying to get on with my life; very privately!

Hurt people hurt people. I have never been into the business of hurting you; then and especially right now. I am not hurt. Saddened by your and other’s behavior. I will; however, continue to practice being the ME I was before I met any of YOU. The Kim who showed up to poetry consistently wearing a holey sweater, the sweaty palmed me who drove a banged up Jetta, the one people thought worked for Fed-Ex, and had a LIFE outside of watchful eyes; the Kim who kept those things most dear and sacred PRIVATE. And the people who really know and have a relationship with me know how I treat her is nothing new. It's how I treat them. I match the same love, respect and admiration. Example: When am I or have I ever been afraid to show Brian how I feel about him?

This is the last thing that can be reported to you. No more blogs and facebook updates for the DUPLICITOUS. I am sticking to the people who I know have always had my best interest at heart. I will protect myself and those I love. I don’t want another PUBLIC relationship. Let alone a PUBLIC break-up. Please get these people out of “(Y)OUR BUSINESS”, and I do mean yours ‘cuz they don’t know what the hell is going on in mine. Every argument, fight, make up, break up… Someone somewhere feels they have something to say or something at stake. In the end there will only be you and I….

Licking wounds, swallowing pride, wiping tears….

I believe you treat people with the same dignity, love and respect exiting the relationship as you did going into it. Oddly this is indicative of how we enter our relationship what bitter justice for it to end this way: MESSY! Sad and true. Yet.

I never wanted it to end this way. I had hoped we, or at least I could avoid the slanderous comments and oft put behaviors your ex experienced during the relationship's demise. However, given the current course, not only will I experience some of it, it will also involve people who aren't interested in the truth, only participating in the perpetuation of a lie. I, on the other hand will make sure the right people are involved… It will never be anyone I call friend, as friends know break-ups are as personal as relationships. My friends know to stay clear, as I, like YOU bear responsibility in this nonsense.

So you just keep rallying your "friends"…

And I will do what I do best. Taking the pot/cheap shots. Privately experiencing my array of emotions. Calling upon and rallying the village inside me. That’s all I really need, that is all I will ever need.

Take care and be well…

kdtaylor

thank u for being u...

01) for family, friends, and frenemies.
02) for not being bitter or angry, just done...
03) for tears that flow to water under bridges. It's all water under the bridge, yet I would have never thought WE would end that way..
04) long weekends and get aways..
05) grace, opportunity and destiny
06) a family that prays together (stays together)
07) learning what love acts, feels, looks and taste like
08) late night view of the second teeing box
09) a new meaning to soccer
10) learning me, learning you, learning us
11) good orderly direction
12) clarity
13) everything ain't for everybody, but you are best for me...

untittled

She said, “I love you.” And I could only drop my eyes from her gaze, my heart fell to my feet. I’d heard it before. I couldn't listen. Then she said, “there are no boundaries and definitions when it comes to you and I. We blend and meld like ice melts into water, the stars burn to gasses. We have a specific purpose in our love. We complete each and feed off of, one another. Baby, without you I cannot exist. Even opposites attract their equal. What is the sun without his moon? Heaven without Hell? We are infinite infinity, a circle turning round upon itself, the number eight. An apeiron! Baby, we are primal chaos! Our lives are bottomless chasms where we selflessly fall toward and for another endlessly one lifetime after another. You were practicing, going through the motions before me. I wanna live through you to grow to you. Yes, I know you’ve heard 'I love you" before.Yes, I know it's hard to believe. Yes, I know you think you know what I mean. I'm asking you to listen. I asking you to FEEL what I mean? Baby, do you feel me. I nodded and mouthed, “yes, Baby, I feel you."

My Favorite Auntie.... there's a party in Heaven right about now!!

Happy Birthday

Barbara Jo Moore aka Suzy!!!!!

love and STILL MISS YOU..

Nikki Harris (R.I.P.)

Sis... We had one extensive IM conversation. It was couple of weekends ago. You were funny and witty. You ribbed me about eating unhealthy foods while my girl was away. I told you that people loved and missed you as well as your words. Over the years, we've exchanged blog comments and read each others words/works. I was awed and, at times; envied your body of work. You were a fantastic writer. I promised to visit on at least two occasions. I never did. Will never get the chance. I am grateful that G.O.D. allowed us that last conversation. I will take it with me. Everyone questions.... I didn't have to know you well to cry and ask "why".

Sister.. you were funny, witty, creative, one of the best writers I know. You were laughter, insight, thought and an unfinished poem....

Sometimes the young flame out simply because they've impacted enough for for their legacy to live on... G.O.D. believed you've reached the masses, he longed for your touch and called you home. Rest Sister your work is done here....

kdt