thir14teen's conversations with self...

seconds

2009-11-11T09:17:00.000-08:00

seconds of air

and

words

exchanged

are better than none.......

2009-11-07T11:25:00.000-08:00

I am not good at these things...

Never have been...

I am not sure where to start.

Everyone I've ever believed truly loved me no longer walks upon the Earth. No! I am not a martyr.

I have never been able to foster and develop the most important relationship in a child's life outside of one with the creator. One with my mother...

NOT AN EXCUSe...

My REALiTY.

For that reason, it is difficult for me to connect with another human being... I LONG FOR intimate relationships (platonic and romantic).. Yet I struggle... How do I know how to love unconditionally when the blue print or the how to guide in my DNA remains neatly folded tucked away in my mind's heart...

Everyone else I believed TRULY loved me died before I was 11. My Great Grand was the last one.... I had glimpses in a favorite Aunt who passed away days before I was to return home for my HS reunion....

My Grand was a difficult woman. I believed I spent most of my life trying to make her proud or show a sign that she genuinely loved me... I mean I know she loved me, it's just... well...

This is not some no one loved me as a kid stuff.... I was loved... yet

My adult significant other relationships have been based upon my relationship with my Grand. Which means I have spent my life loving someone more than they loved me. Trying to make them love me which often led to relationships which failed miserably... Each of them reeked of my Grand. They were also plagued with my dysfunction and disconnect...

YOU... make me want to connect on so many levels... YOU.. are my great grand's love. YOU.. are my mother's love...

AND I AM SO AFRAID.....

How do I make this work in the absence of fear and dysfunction?

YOU love me and I know it. I feel it in every breath that fills my lungs.... And while I will attempt to minimize and downplay my feeling for you in a crowded room of strangers and people I'm really... not trying to impress....

I LOVE YOU!!! And I don't know what's so friggin hard about that....

I love you.... And I won't squander another day trying to suppress my feeling out of fear. and routine. and friggin laziness...

i love you... and i will never deny the depth of that love to anyone ever again....

even if you don't recognize...

2009-11-06T05:44:00.000-08:00

me... I'm still here...

happy birthday Grand....

Margaret R. Belisle...

Autumn Leaves

2009-11-05T10:10:00.000-08:00

We have

Had

our season....

It doesn't mean Autumn is no longer my favorite ...

It is...

It remains the same nostalgic beauty pulling blood and conjuring blues from my soul..

A pleasurable pain, I must learn to forget...

just not (ready) yet...

September, while painful, nearly a favorite month, as it is.. the ending and beginning.

Sometimes we have to start at the end to get back to the middle..

I don't want the beginning..

U...

have always, will always be.. the middle.

I hold a tear in each palm..

praying...

they find their way back to each other

in some form...

even if they evaporate

slip into gaseous state

from friction

angered heat

or fear...

they. u. me.

existed.

I'm here

drop(ping)... Leaves

Leaves,

Fall,

Cool breezes carry memories I can't shake.. The anticipation of colder leaner months, chill my bones and cause my thoughts to chatter anxiously like teeth clip click clapping a top one another in the dead of Winter.

Leaves under feet, crush, crackle and I think of laughter and smiles..

Your laughter. Your smile.

Thoughts clip click clap chatter... shaking feelings chilling my bones...

It's mid Autumn.

Trees, much like our connection... sparse and barren..

Lonely disconnects waiting for warmth moisture

Doesn't mean I don't reminiscence....

Doesn't mean I don't stand in the emotion despite the anticipation of OUR COLD winter chill ever present in mood and rooms..

Perhaps you will never know...

Reds, browns and golds remain my favorite color....

The smell of cracked burning wood causes my heart to flutter...

And the leaves, well, they carry their simple message upon the missing breeze.....

absent, yet present.

"the body, not spirit, always leaves...

remember me in the leaves... look for me in the spring..."

kdtaylor, 2009

after

2009-11-04T09:19:00.000-08:00

no one told me it would hurt this

good

bad

cannot imagine

that pain

dabbed precisely 'round the earlobes

smells

bitter sweet..

(ever) lasting

sweet thick like molasses

(soon turning stomachs)

nothing else/ doesn't matter..

the smell

like U

remains...

as does the pain..

it's not good

or bad...

just is...

and i pray

u caught a glimpse

of yearn,

wane

and apologies

from my eyes..

caught a whiff

of U/ME/US

in the air

AS

i continue to dab slightly

the haunting familiar

behind my...

kdtaylor, 2009

singing

2009-11-01T23:59:00.000-08:00

you have placed a song in my heart.... the words, like my love for you intensify each day. making it more difficult to articulate. i can't sing. nor can i dance.. yet there is a beat. a rhythm. a tune. i bob my head to the beat resonating in my blood cells, forcing my heart to skip beats and scratch memories of a previous life without you from my skin...

Kimmie's Rings......

2009-10-18T17:11:00.000-07:00

Smoke wisps past fullness of lightly glossed lips
lingers round fresh clipped fingertips
forms grey rings in darkness
one second past midnight…
Tiffany ring on fourth finger,
tightened by the rushed flush of blood cells
flowing from my pocketbook
to my heart then back again
it’s echoed beats
forms golden rings
passionately curving my
heart’s thoughts ‘round your soul…
somewhere there is a
tenth generation sapling
growing within and into it’s
destined rings
a million miles from its’ origin.
a descendant of the first seed
that fell from the first fruit
slipped from the first she’s
curled tainted and tinted lips
from the
first enticing bite...
the first circle of life
the first of the first
lasts
loops,
plummets
then buries itself
into the thick rich soil
encircling our first mother’s ankles
covering her toes…
it grows in the shadowed remains
of obscured providence
when G.O.D. once saw us as he saw himself
and we saw ourselves as stars
orbiting moments and eras,
before falling from grace in this space as human…
and I am stilled.
grounded.
can look
above below
right left
to and fro
and still see…
the inception of heaven
the birth of earth
in the warmth sphere
illuminating from the doe brown in your eyes.
the glow of your smile
the vibrant colors that
circle, swirl and burn
just above your head.
you are not a cliché’.
I’l l never refer to you as my angel,
simply mine
I’m not saying it’s a halo,
but, there’s a ring,
ringing, beaming, gleaming, sitting
slightly crooked above you head…
and it is calling me…
channeling me
ringing me from sweet slumber
ringing bells
ringing and reminding me…
and I’m listening…
listening to the ringing resonating
in the hummed ring
ringing rhythmically with the sway from your hips
the hummed ring
of sweet summer stickied bitterness of forgotten love
the hummed ring
from aged and aching bended knees in prayer..
the hummed ring
wringing tears from my pained love
and I’m searching for
my being, my truth,
I’m searching for
my mother’s hazel eyes
and her waning influence
in the fog hazed rings
encircling YOU,
my moon… my star isolated in
my light burning so brightly
it convinces my mind it’s blinded darkness
There are rings ‘round Saturn
marking moments
marking time
like infinity and destiny
You and me.
YOU.
My figure eight, eternal…
Ringing, singing, being,
Looping like a good bad love song
Over and over
Black vinyl skipping,
Penny weighed needle on a
Circling Victrola
Bass booming atop
Rims and 22’s
Stilled spins at concrete cracked stoops
speeding toward yesteryear
There are rings in tress,
Counting perpetually,
Unyielding never ending
Coming full circle…
Like the curiosity of my hungered tongue
Circling your nipples, navels and things
There are rings
And they are ringing
Ringing chimes
Rings ringing in mind
Dangling from ears
Circling our fingers
A circus!
Our three rings
I’m swirling in circles
Following, examining rings
Rings on stomach, hips and things
proof of life…
Your ring,
My ring
You me, connected indefinitely..
You an eternal flame
Scorching inside me
And the smoke…
Escapes with the words
Swirling from the rings
Buried deep within me…

kdtaylor, 2009
section 8 coffee
all rights reserved...

Friday.....

2009-10-16T11:43:00.001-07:00

where you been all my life?

Bismillah (thankful prayer)

2009-10-15T13:10:00.000-07:00

In the name of God, Most Gracious, Most Merciful...
I know you have been working on my emotional health and spirit. I continue to fight the idea of what's just and right, the judgement of others, my righteous indignation, false accusations and outright lies. I know that going "underground" is not the best way to handle things as it leaves questions regarding my character and genuineness. However, I am tired of taking the "high road" and not responding to critics and defending myself.

Today, I have faith that I don't have to and will not resort to behaviors that are inconsistent in what you have placed in my heart, mind and soul.

I pray for the strength to continue to walk with my head held high, knowing there is my side, another's side and your path. While my feet have grown weary, please continue to guide me as I walk this path of redemption, re-birth and growth.

Thanks for all the lessons (by act, person or possession) you have placed before me. I live without regret as I know everything that has happened as lead me to this place.

In other words, I thank you for this space, this place.

I open my heart and mind to G(good) O(orderly) D(direction) as I know I will be granted your G(grace) given many O(opportunities) to fulfill my D(destiny).

kdtaylor

Question..

2009-10-14T11:50:00.000-07:00

Never let anyone question you or your integrity... The response is as relative to the questioner's ability to be honest with themselves...Honesty is a two way mirror or a double edged sword. There is an element of dishonesty in their ability to determine, judge and question who YOU are. Simply put arguing who you are with anyone aside from you is like arguing with a fool... UNKNOWN

wishing wells...

2009-10-13T11:21:00.000-07:00

prayer has taught me to abandon the idea of wishing wells...
there is no change in exchange for the change granted through faith...
wishing wells are much to shallow to hold blessings as abundant as joy, hope, love, & forgiveness...
i have wished and placed change in many wells..
then i started to pray...
i don't want to be reminded of what pennies have gotten me...
i know that they were necessary
yet i will sing praises to what i have gained through prayer..
and this is just the obvious...

This is ME now: dIscoverIng.....

2009-10-05T14:25:00.000-07:00

Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Beneath the quiet exterior, INFJs hold deep convictions about the weightier matters of life. Those who are activists -- INFJs gravitate toward such a role -- are there for the cause, not for personal glory or political power.

INFJs are champions of the oppressed and downtrodden. They often are found in the wake of an emergency, rescuing those who are in acute distress. INFJs may fantasize about getting revenge on those who victimize the defenseless. The concept of 'poetic justice' is appealing to the INFJ.

"There's something rotten in Denmark." Accurately suspicious about others' motives, INFJs are not easily led. These are the people that you can rarely fool any of the time. Though affable and sympathetic to most, INFJs are selective about their friends. Such a friendship is a symbiotic bond that transcends mere words.

INFJs have a knack for fluency in language and facility in communication. In addition, nonverbal sensitivity enables the INFJ to know and be known by others intimately.

Writing, counseling, public service and even politics are areas where INFJs frequently find their niche.

Functional Analysis:

Introverted iNtuition
Introverted intuitives, INFJs enjoy a greater clarity of perception of inner, unconscious processes than all but their INTJ cousins. Just as SP types commune with the object and "live in the here and now" of the physical world, INFJs readily grasp the hidden psychological stimuli behind the more observable dynamics of behavior and affect. Their amazing ability to deduce the inner workings of the mind, will and emotions of others gives INFJs their reputation as prophets and seers. Unlike the confining, routinizing nature of introverted sensing, introverted intuition frees this type to act insightfully and spontaneously as unique solutions arise on an event by event basis.

Extraverted Feeling
Extraverted feeling, the auxiliary deciding function, expresses a range of emotion and opinions of, for and about people. INFJs, like many other FJ types, find themselves caught between the desire to express their wealth of feelings and moral conclusions about the actions and attitudes of others, and the awareness of the consequences of unbridled candor. Some vent the attending emotions in private, to trusted allies. Such confidants are chosen with care, for INFJs are well aware of the treachery that can reside in the hearts of mortals. This particular combination of introverted intuition and extraverted feeling provides INFJs with the raw material from which perceptive counselors are shaped.

Introverted Thinking
The INFJ's thinking is introverted, turned toward the subject. Perhaps it is when the INFJ's thinking function is operative that he is most aloof. A comrade might surmise that such detachment signals a disillusionment, that she has also been found lacking by the sardonic eye of this one who plumbs the depths of the human spirit. Experience suggests that such distancing is merely an indication that the seer is hard at work and focusing energy into this less efficient tertiary function.

Extraverted Sensing
INFJs are twice blessed with clarity of vision, both internal and external. Just as they possess inner vision which is drawn to the forms of the unconscious, they also have external sensing perception which readily takes hold of worldly objects. Sensing, however, is the weakest of the INFJ's arsenal and the most vulnerable. INFJs, like their fellow intuitives, may be so absorbed in intuitive perceiving that they become oblivious to physical reality. The INFJ under stress may fall prey to various forms of immediate gratification. Awareness of extraverted sensing is probably the source of the "SP wannabe" side of INFJs. Many yearn to live spontaneously; it's not uncommon for INFJ actors to take on an SP (often ESTP) role.

Famous INFJs:
Nathan, prophet of Israel
Aristophanes
Chaucer
Goethe
Robert Burns, Scottish poet

U.S. Presidents:
Martin Van Buren
James Earl "Jimmy" Carter
Nathaniel Hawthorne
Fanny Crosby, (blind) hymnist
Mother Teresa of Calcutta
Fred McMurray (My Three Sons)
Shirley Temple Black, child actor, ambassador
Martin Luther King, Jr., civil rights leader, martyr
James Reston, newspaper reporter
Shirley McClain (Sweet Charity, ...)
Piers Anthony, author ("Xanth" series)
Michael Landon (Little House on the Prairie)
Tom Selleck
John Katz, critic, author
Paul Stookey (Peter, Paul and Mary)
U. S. Senator Carol Moseley-Braun (D-IL)
Billy Crystal
Garry Trudeau (Doonesbury)
Nelson Mandela
Mel Gibson
Carrie Fisher
Nicole Kidman
Jamie Foxx
Sela Ward
Mark Harmon
Gary Dourdan
Marg Helgaberger
Evangeline Lilly
Tori May

This is ME.... now

2009-10-04T15:56:00.001-07:00

Introverted iNtuiting Feeling Judging
by Marina Margaret Heiss
INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn.

INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.

Due in part to the unique perspective produced by this alternation between detachment and involvement in the lives of the people around them, INFJs may well have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil. The most important contributing factor to this uncanny gift, however, are the empathic abilities often found in Fs, which seem to be especially heightened in the INFJ type (possibly by the dominance of the introverted N function).

This empathy can serve as a classic example of the two-edged nature of certain INFJ talents, as it can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations. More explicit inner conflicts are also not uncommon in INFJs; it is possible to speculate that the causes for some of these may lie in the specific combinations of preferences which define this complex type. For instance, there can sometimes be a "tug-of-war" between NF vision and idealism and the J practicality that urges compromise for the sake of achieving the highest priority goals. And the I and J combination, while perhaps enhancing self-awareness, may make it difficult for INFJs to articulate their deepest and most convoluted feelings.

Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills. Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. Psychology and counseling are other obvious choices, but overall, INFJs can be exceptionally difficult to pigeonhole by their career paths. Perhaps the best example of this occurs in the technical fields. Many INFJs perceive themselves at a disadvantage when dealing with the mystique and formality of "hard logic", and in academic terms this may cause a tendency to gravitate towards the liberal arts rather than the sciences. However, the significant minority of INFJs who do pursue studies and careers in the latter areas tend to be as successful as their T counterparts, as it is *iNtuition* -- the dominant function for the INFJ type -- which governs the ability to understand abstract theory and implement it creatively.

In their own way, INFJs are just as much "systems builders" as are INTJs; the difference lies in that most INFJ "systems" are founded on human beings and human values, rather than information and technology. Their systems may for these reasons be conceptually "blurrier" than analogous NT ones, harder to measure in strict numerical terms, and easier to take for granted -- yet it is these same underlying reasons which make the resulting contributions to society so vital and profound.

September................

2009-09-30T21:01:00.001-07:00

Thank you G.O.D.

I made it through another one....

It was bitter and painful.....

As always, it involved significant loss....

this time i lost a part of me I want ghost forever.....

goodbye 13 the unlucky and bad enough to pull it off....... i don't need you anymore.....

this is me NOW... 13 can't be divided, almost got one more up my sleeve, a little extra (i.e. baker's dozen) and a little odd....

my village, you came and visited.... you showed and told me...your presence has been felt and heard... and yes, i will embrace my "paranoia" as there are things in this world i cannot face, mental illness helps ME sustain... and the people (what people) i (are you sure) need in my life today (i thought you meant tomorrow), accept me (ARE YOU SURE) and this illness (no REALITY) ROTFLMAO... I slay myself..

i no longer need a persona to hide behind, just a cool moniker i can't quite leave behind..

you have brought me home...

WELCOME OCTOBER........... and the sweet Autumn breeze..

weendend gurlzzz

2009-09-27T18:20:00.000-07:00

F'ing GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREATTTTTTTTTTTT Weekend!!!!!

airing dirty laundry

2009-09-24T09:48:00.000-07:00

You want to air dirty laundry. There is no dirt here. I have nothing negative or hurtful to do or say.

I have always been a private person. If left up to me, I’d still be the socially awkward teenager who sat obscurely in the backdrop of the background. Seriously.

Not 13 the fcking poet that every one thinks they know. Not 13 the “host” of Neo-Soul. Not “Kim” your ex. Not the “Kim” that everyone thinks “they know”. ‘Cuz they don’t. They know only what I’ve allowed them to “create in their minds” and the “one” I allowed you to humiliate and manipulate time and time again.

No more. This is me.

In the last few weeks, I’ve allowed you to transform into the martyr needed to rally troops to your side. Victim is not your size or color, you don’t wear it well at all, it clashes against your brashness. (Always one of your better attributes.) Funny how wrong always needs something to convince “IT” that “IT” is right. Funnier, how people who were sooooooo happy for me, are now sooooooooo sad for you. I believe my happiness should never be at your expense. And nothing was done to hurt you, purposely.

Each “abandoned allegiance/defection” has given you the diluted vigor you need to “fuel your unjust truth and indignation. (Please note the quotation marks as anyone who discussed ME/US with YOU was NEVER MY FRIEND in the first place.) However, instead of allowing people to take advantage of you and your situation, I beg of you to look at the messenger(s). These people are no more interested in you and your “plight” than they were while we were together. They are only interested in making themselves feel and look better. Something, if you were in your “right” mind you could see.

There is no preconceived idea that there are "haters" or people that don't want me to be happy. I live by the idea that people are people and they do what they do. I don't have to participate in it or like it.. We are selfish and self seeking in nature. I am not trying to be the envy or darling, let alone a victim or victimizer in anyone’s eye, just trying to get on with my life; very privately!

Hurt people hurt people. I have never been into the business of hurting you; then and especially right now. I am not hurt. Saddened by your and other’s behavior. I will; however, continue to practice being the ME I was before I met any of YOU. The Kim who showed up to poetry consistently wearing a holey sweater, the sweaty palmed me who drove a banged up Jetta, the one people thought worked for Fed-Ex, and had a LIFE outside of watchful eyes; the Kim who kept those things most dear and sacred PRIVATE. And the people who really know and have a relationship with me know how I treat her is nothing new. It's how I treat them. I match the same love, respect and admiration. Example: When am I or have I ever been afraid to show Brian how I feel about him?

This is the last thing that can be reported to you. No more blogs and facebook updates for the DUPLICITOUS. I am sticking to the people who I know have always had my best interest at heart. I will protect myself and those I love. I don’t want another PUBLIC relationship. Let alone a PUBLIC break-up. Please get these people out of “(Y)OUR BUSINESS”, and I do mean yours ‘cuz they don’t know what the hell is going on in mine. Every argument, fight, make up, break up… Someone somewhere feels they have something to say or something at stake. In the end there will only be you and I….

Licking wounds, swallowing pride, wiping tears….

I believe you treat people with the same dignity, love and respect exiting the relationship as you did going into it. Oddly this is indicative of how we enter our relationship what bitter justice for it to end this way: MESSY! Sad and true. Yet.

I never wanted it to end this way. I had hoped we, or at least I could avoid the slanderous comments and oft put behaviors your ex experienced during the relationship's demise. However, given the current course, not only will I experience some of it, it will also involve people who aren't interested in the truth, only participating in the perpetuation of a lie. I, on the other hand will make sure the right people are involved… It will never be anyone I call friend, as friends know break-ups are as personal as relationships. My friends know to stay clear, as I, like YOU bear responsibility in this nonsense.

So you just keep rallying your "friends"…

And I will do what I do best. Taking the pot/cheap shots. Privately experiencing my array of emotions. Calling upon and rallying the village inside me. That’s all I really need, that is all I will ever need.

Take care and be well…

kdtaylor

thank u for being u...

2009-09-10T11:58:00.000-07:00

01) for family, friends, and frenemies.
02) for not being bitter or angry, just done...
03) for tears that flow to water under bridges. It's all water under the bridge, yet I would have never thought WE would end that way..
04) long weekends and get aways..
05) grace, opportunity and destiny
06) a family that prays together (stays together)
07) learning what love acts, feels, looks and taste like
08) late night view of the second teeing box
09) a new meaning to soccer
10) learning me, learning you, learning us
11) good orderly direction
12) clarity
13) everything ain't for everybody, but you are best for me...

untittled

2009-09-02T20:48:00.000-07:00

She said, “I love you.” And I could only drop my eyes from her gaze, my heart fell to my feet. I’d heard it before. I couldn't listen. Then she said, “there are no boundaries and definitions when it comes to you and I. We blend and meld like ice melts into water, the stars burn to gasses. We have a specific purpose in our love. We complete each and feed off of, one another. Baby, without you I cannot exist. Even opposites attract their equal. What is the sun without his moon? Heaven without Hell? We are infinite infinity, a circle turning round upon itself, the number eight. An apeiron! Baby, we are primal chaos! Our lives are bottomless chasms where we selflessly fall toward and for another endlessly one lifetime after another. You were practicing, going through the motions before me. I wanna live through you to grow to you. Yes, I know you’ve heard 'I love you" before.Yes, I know it's hard to believe. Yes, I know you think you know what I mean. I'm asking you to listen. I asking you to FEEL what I mean? Baby, do you feel me. I nodded and mouthed, “yes, Baby, I feel you."

My Favorite Auntie.... there's a party in Heaven right about now!!

2009-08-31T09:58:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday

Barbara Jo Moore aka Suzy!!!!!

love and STILL MISS YOU..

Nikki Harris (R.I.P.)

2009-08-30T21:00:00.000-07:00

Sis... We had one extensive IM conversation. It was couple of weekends ago. You were funny and witty. You ribbed me about eating unhealthy foods while my girl was away. I told you that people loved and missed you as well as your words. Over the years, we've exchanged blog comments and read each others words/works. I was awed and, at times; envied your body of work. You were a fantastic writer. I promised to visit on at least two occasions. I never did. Will never get the chance. I am grateful that G.O.D. allowed us that last conversation. I will take it with me. Everyone questions.... I didn't have to know you well to cry and ask "why".

Sister.. you were funny, witty, creative, one of the best writers I know. You were laughter, insight, thought and an unfinished poem....

Sometimes the young flame out simply because they've impacted enough for for their legacy to live on... G.O.D. believed you've reached the masses, he longed for your touch and called you home. Rest Sister your work is done here....

kdt

BIG CHILL - Strength and Courage

2009-08-29T22:27:00.000-07:00

"Being loved deeply by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." Lao Tzu

fridays...

2009-08-28T13:08:00.000-07:00

she said i had to die, before i could live.... what she didn't know was i'd been through hell and back and back, and back again...

within hours before the day my eyes could adjust, not to the sight of,

but the idea of her...

september...

2009-08-27T13:52:00.000-07:00

thoughts disguised as cirrus clouds chill high
above my mind
resting upon furrowed brow..
each drape curiously soft
like cherub fine curls atop my forehead.
i feel the flittered flutter of
my arch angel's wings
tickling my alter's cerebellum..
we tie feathers, heavy like our weights'
burden,
'round ankles
i skip
and he runs
upon water!
we punch drunk,
ignorance inebrieted
stumble in and out
of one schizophrenic thought to
the manic other.
i am clutching the
remnants of a smile
buried just before summer.
it is rotted and decayed
in the breeze i can smell death
oozing from the sweaty pores of
a life lost just past twilight.
hallowed breaths
race back into time
seeking solitude and loneliness
in the shadowed corner of her womb.
YET
there are cobwebs offering a sweeter
euthanasia
in exchange for her gestation.

contemplation thickens
mind fogs like stratus clouds
crawling across a midwestern skyline..
and i
feel the change of season upon my lips.
it blisters, chafes and chaps.
i once tasted the acridness in the sweetness
of an Indian summer.
chewed the fat with
this and that..
yet i
remained hungry..
famished,
as i have an appetite for autumn's destruction.
september
does not feed
it...

to be continued....

hurricane

2009-08-25T15:06:00.000-07:00

she reminds me of thunderous booms and lightening strikes conducting an orchestra within the expanse. mystic misty tears float, coating the blandness within the atmosphere grey. i anticipate her arrival. i count; child like between each bombastic thud and crack of light in the sky. i feel her, long before i ever see her. her arms stretched toward the space between heaven and the last echoed beat of my mother's heart. and like my great grand's memory, until now, gut wrenching laughter and tears in the appreciation of heighten beauty were bits and pieces of a past hidden deeply within hued lavender and blues within the moon’s view. invisible to the naked eye. nonexistent, except in darkness. Her aura, a sycophancy of cumulus clouds and tinted moisture engulfs and lulls me; fawns the deep crimson and auburn of my locs, caresses my ears and sighs undertones audible only in frequencies transmitted between auspicious lovers clumsily fumbling with providence. six counts fade to three. the booming resonance and luminosity drape melancholy in a coat of contentment. Precipitation matures to rain and I am drenched. Covered in the spell of rain falls, vision fails as tears and drizzle meet to dance, again. I see her. she magnificent and majestically complex. she shape shifting colors, shapes and sound. she simply kaleidoscopic and I am engrossed. riveted, i hear colors and taste sound. i have never felt more alive. she my tempest, I am born in her downpour. three fades to one.. BOOM

My Muse.....

2009-08-24T08:37:00.000-07:00

I, molten rock, cooled 2 the amber hue of your tawny reds and browns. U wished me 2 & I transformed, fixated on what you needed me 2 become. & I am your thick, rich, fertile, soil allowing U 2 move me, mature me, bear fruits that can only be toiled thru OUR labor.. No, I need not be a weed or flower blowing frailly in the breeze! I shall be sturdy, strong sustaining your rooted faith which grows through me

u the epitome of femininity. desires slip thru careless hands and fingers yearning 4 salvation. Pleading 4 deliverance from murderous desirous intent. a love many men have laid their lives, thrusts swords thru souls, used words 2 pierce bleeding, shattering hearts. How do I call out to, upon u; without the fate of the moon? I, destined 2 cloak, hang, in obscure, utter darkness. separated from my equal, my sun..

in sweet slumber & quiet of night they bond like infinity. at twilight, Luna's charm releases two spirits from one soul; like summer's dew sprinkles upon multi-colored confetti fields of dandelions, grass and lilacs. toes, feet, and legs trickle gingerly upon eqyptian cotton sheets. The brown in their eyes lovingly embrace, long before their arms unfold. lips connect til tint of night peaks at dawn. At first light reluctant, spirited soul bow, bend, melt, soften, and detach intricately, angered by the command of the sun. each beseeching nightfall, yearning to unite and meld once more by the subtle beckoning of the moon.

wear me like your favorite scent. daub me n places others dare dream. supplely stain the lobes of ears with spiny top notes of bergamot & lemon grass. permit me 2 seduce your heart with middle notes of mango & cassis; balance us with instances & moments that reverb & loop, rhythmically n smoky, exotic base & bass guitar notes. the ardor of our fervor hidden, lingering, nourishing aromatically. u & i basic chemistry.

You hold me in hand like a faint whisper, pulling me gently to your mouth. I rest serenely upon the bud of your tongue. You birth me to voice. I am not words, simple utterances and wishes wrapped in tomorrow’s dream of tomorrow. Immortal, I am; as I seek solace and permanence within the moisture of your lips. I beg, no pray of you "dare not speak." we commune telepathically in the patois of ancient g.o.d.s, lost civilizations and mythologies. We are coupled in this lifetime, as we have copiously before. I have not learned you. I have known you. Been weakened by and devoted to you for ages. Before creation of space and time, I have been drunk from your reflection in the Andromeda galaxy. Sat silently while you weaved the tapestries of Greek architecture. With amusement, watched as you played in the sand creating Babel's Tower and the Egytian pyramids. Cried beside you upon g.o.d.'s return as man shunned and spurned his exsistence. I have known you, as I have loved you without barriers or discord. Permit me to bathe and soak in your beauty, if only for this moment. Then I shall slip away without persistence and perish. Give thanks and pray until we are united in our next life. So, right now, Baby, I implore you, "dare not speak."

Grateful...Thankful.. Appreciative..

2009-08-13T13:46:00.000-07:00

growth thru pain

purging

the future

an old friend who made it back home

my village

my bloodblood disguised as friendsmy everything....

my every every things

And, yes......

G.O.D. Answers all prayers....

on trees and scripts..

2009-08-10T20:33:00.000-07:00

you know that. now the world knows. i will always love you.... we are in transition.

i am loving her.... it is growing.

i love you, both. differently.

i have loved you, as you have loved me for a very long time. for so long that i, no, WE forgot who WE are... individually and collectively.

i am loving her and allowing her to love ME back to the ME i once was.... the one i forgot. the one that is easy and breezy. cool and calm... goofy. happy to be alive. just me.

yes, i was happy with you. my happiness has been redefined. as yours has....

no, it wasn't hers, yours, my or our fault... it's time and seasons. i will always love autumn.

you caught me at a time when i could not, would not love myself in a healthy manner. i really believed i could. i really wanted to. for that i am sorry.

she caught me at a time when i wasn't looking for anything. not one thing. and now, well. i have possibilities.

u and i took a chance. we took a huge chance. we were both hurt. i could never heal your pain. you could never love my hurt away. hurt people can't love until they heal. we had to grow through it. welcome to the other side of our hurt and pain. who would have thought this would be the result?

thanks for the healing... thanks for the shade. you are still my tree, my ELM. and i will never cut the branches or trim you back... only two things will remove you from my life. You or God.

it's been a long strange journey... it has been a bumpy ride. i wouldn't change it for the world..

it, our lives and where we go from here can only become strangely stronger.... no one defines us, they never have....

thank you for being my friend and supporting me... even when my path does not appear to include the "WE" we always envisioned..really..

thanks for allowing me to open another chapter in my life. no one but a FRIEND could do so.

i love you...

thanks g.o.d.

2009-07-24T12:54:00.000-07:00

1. good orderly direction

2. grace, opportunity and destiny

3. family and friends.

4. smiles, right? if you smile the world smiles with you....

i am going on hiatus for a moment... gotta clear my head and space. see you in august.

Sister/Mother

2009-07-19T12:14:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Kristen Boissnard!!

My Younger Sister..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY,

MARY ELIZABETH TAYLOR

my mommy.. (RIP)

chicago and beyond....

2009-07-18T23:58:00.000-07:00

tova charles, thanks for making the trip mad kewl on sooooo many levels. for real... if someone f'cks witcha i'll cut 'em.
the girls, i will miss you! thanks for the life's lessons it's been a pretty educational summer.
the city was absolutely beautiful.. i want to go back
SWITCH, that's all I have to say.
Mo Beastie, D-Kelly, Deep, and Shannon B.
laughing at the truck stop/roach hotel.
a new appreciation of home
an ELM tree, yes, i will always be thankful for you.
skinned knees, yet i will continue to pray and crawl 'til i'm able to walk...
grace, opportunity and destiny
a sister who is willing to go out of her way to help me. THANKS STINK!
a welcome home
notes
g.o.d.
MAXWELL.
poems. I've got poems in me!
check out my facebook photos for more..

Gracious..

2009-07-09T23:49:00.000-07:00

- on knees, finding my way...
- loving you... MY TREE, you are always in my heart.
- friends masquerading as family.
- knowing
- my family
- grace, opportunity and destiny
- fulfillment
- hunger
- langston
- angel/eb
- tears
- lessons. i would do it differently
- patience
- U21
- G.O.D.
- convos with Bug's Desire (yes, YOU TWO)
- lastly you, thanks for making me feel truly alive...

an open letter....

2009-07-06T11:01:00.000-07:00

"one day, I will tell you I love you,
and you will mean it…
You will listen to the thoughtful whispers
exchanged between the stars and the moon,
search across the expanse,
to witness a constellation
become engulfed in an event horizon
leaving a vibrant prism of smoky hues
of lavenders and blues..
you see past the destruction
recognize it as a necessary beauty...
this beautiful disaster I see in you and me.."
excerpt from "a beaUtiful disaSter"
kdtaylor, 2009

I loved you before I could ever learn to love myself, again. I loved you when I was finding myself. me shattered and broken pieces scattered across life times - you placing them selflessly into holey pockets. Losing precious secrets and moments before we were able to hold onto a you. Me. Us. Or we. Honestly, truly and fully.. And I. Not without fault, can say, "I did the same." Yet. That never meant we didn't love. Never meant we didn't know the meaning of loving hard, running, tripping, falling, and on callous knees, we clawed and fought. Fought and clawed for an US again. And we so desperately on high wire, unskilled tight rope walkers, wanting to balance needs against wants. love against desire. stay not leave. Yet. Baby, I can fill the gravitational pull... Pulling me. Weighing me down. And selfishly, I want it all.

And I CAN'T.

I can't hold onto a flimsly us with open palms. The first breeze, and that US will blow like dandelion seeds on spring afternoons. We are scattered beneath palm trees, lillies, and beautifully tragic things, like graves, death and feet. We are mid-stream. Unable to move forward or backward. We are aren't a new we, we are the we we always were. Tragically beautiful. And this, this is not our story line. Not the way it is currently written. And I...

I love you. I always have. I always will.

We have let each other go a thousand times, and yet we cling to a single string. Yet the dream is unraveling at the seams...

One day I will tell you I love you, and you will mean it.... I'm sorry this day has come. For all the times, we told each other "I love you" and all the times we meant to cherish and return it.

I love you. do you mean it?

my brother, my husband, my father....

2009-07-03T09:00:00.000-07:00

I can never say enough about this man. He is truly a G.O.D. send... this isn't about him, but this is about a moment.
in this moment i realized:

it can never be relived
it was remarkable
tremendous growth
a life i can truly be satisfied with
if i looked to my right or left i would be surrounded by friends and fam..
michelle, it didn't feel right not watching you on the stage competing, but it felt GOOD to have you there
sarah, felt good to see you grow in your words and confidence - though your confidence in me and our friendship can be fleeting
tova, felt good to see a fan of the word become the word
jomar, hell just damn
eb, you already know
angel, yes... you have taught me so much, i pray i live long enough to give to you as unselfishly as you've been willing to give to me
bRandy i'm just glad your glad...
hustle, what's next week's theme
ELM - every season
jono good to have you back young man, I MISSED YOU and YOUR POETRY!!!
Poet in Law, I love you...
U21 thanks for reminding me why I never had children!! (LOL) no.. for the words...
G.O.D.
u, what a welcome addition you are...
i mean dang... this only happens when you believe, and I am slowly becoming a believer.
and u, without you how would I truly know I am alive?

the Slam Bowl results, as if we didn't know? Neo and U21 came out winners. the poets of record. a tradition for loving the word. so let us be words...

what a week...

2009-07-02T14:43:00.000-07:00

01) Dinner with a child hood friend. Adrienne, I love you Sis and I haven't forgotten how much I miss you. Thanks for the validation...
02) Learning and struggling through love.
03) The life I am creating and the people who are finding their way into it.
04) Maxwell!!!! MAXWELL!! MAXWELL!!!
05) Good Orderly Direction (G.O.D.)
06) Recognizing when I am in over my head. I'm in over my head. I don't have children. And I've never been around this many women/girl children... It's a growing experience that will make me a better person, Woman and BEING.
07) Minding my own business, and praying others mind theirs.
08) Poems that are creeping in my mind and heart.
09) Perseverance
10) Faith
11) Prayer
12) Taking it one day at a time.
13) Yes, i am human, selfish and self seeking... I apologize.
14) You, for without you how would I know I was truly alive.

my childhood memories are disappearing before my eyes...

2009-06-25T23:36:00.000-07:00

we used to play charlie's angel's!

ed mcmahon was the only white man we wanted to knock on our door. if he did we would win a gazillion and get a pool!

and off the wall was my JAM... i broke the (I'm dating myself) 8 track!!!!!

I wanted that damn t-shirt from the last scene in Beat It. He was the person who turned me on to T-shirts.

FFFFFFCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Eimmik's consideration..

2009-06-24T12:20:00.000-07:00

i've stopped running in sneakers,
cuz i'm still not as swift
as my last truthful thought.
no matter how swift i may be,
i can't chase you out my mind.
and i've tried.
you and me,
a game of hide and seek.
you embedded in memories and dreams
from past pass..
my first kiss.
u
first crush.
u
u first of all firsts.
yet
u weren't present,
and your presence is essential
to get pass my past..
you hide in
sticky heat..
melting fudgesicles and
hints of frozen cups.
double dutching
double dog dares
and i dare...
i'm thinking...
just wondering..

no poem.. this is nothing other than thoughts...

Eimmiks intrigue

2009-06-23T12:02:00.000-07:00

it took 4 years,

23 days,

9 hours

and 16 seconds to write this poem...
2 quarts of blood pushing

3000 cells thrusting rhythmically pumping

113 heart beats pushing

6 faint breaths to put

my feelings to words.
words to page.
page to wind.
wind to light breeze;

gracing the mist atop the pout of your lips.

your taste saltine sweet

haunts my memories dreams...
i'm reaching for you

in the darkness...

asking, "do you feel me?"
and if you feel me,

Baby, can you hear me?
rustling thru blood rich dirt

brown, gold and red leaves

clutching your fingertips;

clinging to your ankles

crackling beneath your feet.

crawling 'tween the thick of thighs.

sweetened sweat gleam and beaded.

sighs fall and rise.

I want to keep you grounded!

be reminiscent of summer nights, when we made love in the shadows.

Notte nera serena.

backs arched achingly against

the dampened soil

and rainy skies..

twilight slips from the heaven in your eyes..

i am an angel seeking your forgiveness

and redemptive touch.

Now more than ever..

I need you to hear me.

Baby, I'm begging,

"do you feel me?"

to be continued...

kdtaylor, 2009

section 8 coffee publications

fathers day

2009-06-21T20:17:00.000-07:00

happy fathers day -
roy e. (father)
edward mc (pops)
trap francis (next lifetime dad)
hustle
springs!
copa
tony francis
langston - no you are not a father... you are sooooooooo much more!
and all my single mama's holding it down....

what a friggin week!

2009-06-20T20:08:00.000-07:00

01) a visit from a friend from San Antonio. Her cuz was fiyah on the mic!
02) seeing him so friggin happy to host.
03) i got my bro joe bizzle back!!
04) for once, I'm not involved!!! Hell yea!
05) and no, never again. we are SISTERS..
06) Eb (& Snuff) and Angel Baby... what could i do without either of you, your friendship and love? thanks for nearly three years of lessons...
07) a journey to me... "I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me." what a beautiful view...
08) the (Sub)Urban Hangsuite.
09) intriguing opportunities...
10) starting over. our growth. perhaps we can say this is truly OUR first time?
11) grace, opportunity and destiny.
12) chucks, see you tuesday.
13) you, how would i know i was truly alive?

ROFLMAO - 20 day challenge! Any takers?

2009-06-16T06:12:00.000-07:00

1. Seek contact. This is a bit counter-intuitive. If you don't like someone, you probably feel like avoiding that person, but because of the psychological phenomenon known as the mere exposure effect, we tend to like people better the more we see them.
2. Do nice things for that person. “We prefer to see those to whom we do good than those who do good to us,” as La Rochefoucauld observed.
3. Give that person a brief touch. Subliminal touching, i.e., touching a person so unobtrusively that it’s not noticed, increases people’s sense of well-being and positive feelings.
4. Lighten up. Joke about whatever annoys you, and if you can manage it, laugh about it with that person, or poke fun at your own reaction. Nothing neutralizes bad feelings like a good laugh. This can be tough, however.
5. Act friendly. We think we act because of the way we feel, but often we feel because of the way we act. So act the way you want to feel. This is uncannily effective—just try it.
6. Resist criticizing that person. When you voice your complaints, they assume a solidity in your mind that’s hard to eliminate. When your thoughts remain unspoken, they can more easily be changed.
7. Remember happy shared experiences. Recalling good times elevates mood and will help warm your feelings.
8. Be grateful. Reflecting on reasons to feel grateful, instead of reasons to be angry or annoyed, will help change your view.
courtesy of yahoo

i still well up when i think of the day the first time i held him!!

2009-06-11T16:41:00.000-07:00

my nephew graduated

grace, opportunity and destiny

i spent time with my family

i spent time with ELM

god's will and grace

i miss have people i miss!!! (ANGEL AND EB, what the Pluck?")

i have friends in love

poetry

a beautiful memory, Shannon... we miss you

her legacy and her mother's spirit!

did i say my nephew graduated!!!

chilling with you on Sunday. we must do it again.

sling and thong jokes...

chilling at the track meet with the Francis Clan!

Robert L Price, Jr. and facebook! WHAT..

fund-raising, yes please donate. http://www.tywc.org/

you, without you how would i know i was alive

Being Aristotle...

2009-06-10T06:48:00.000-07:00

"We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but we'd rather have those because we've acted rightly"

A value is a principle or quality intrinsically valuable or desirable to me. Values are personal. They are my convictions, my beliefs, and my ethics rolled into one. Living in agreement with my value system is fulfilling. Living in conflict with my values is stressful and dissatisfying. Anyone who is truly my friend know I will separate and walk away from anything that is stressful and dissatisfying. I will not live in conflict with my values. As I would never ask anyone else to live in conflict with their own. As I have aged I have committed myself to live with purpose. I am keenly aware of that purpose and I am constantly re-evaluating myself to continue to grow in order to remain steadfast.

My values are my values. I would never have the expectation that anyone bend or change their value system to accommodate me. It is also my expectation that no one ask me to do the same. Yet, that's where I am. I am guilty. Living between a rock and a hard place. I have become the boogie man, the VERY BAD person. You won't acknowledge I heard and accepted your belief. I simply believed I would get , you know THAT proverbial vernacular "the same respect" in return.

LOL... Should have seen it coming. To quote the great street philosopher TuPac, "I ain't mad at cha."

.... Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within every body's power and is not easy. that's Aristotle, not me. It is my new lesson plan for a few months... And I will master it, because as me and my true friends (the people who take the time to know me) say "It is so much more beautiful here. And we won't trade this view for the WORLD!!"

And while you're lurking... see pic below: I am going to enjoy my summer in spite and despite!

06.09.2009

2009-06-09T23:56:00.000-07:00

Grand... you were sorely missed. Your first Great-Grand child graduated from High School.. It was pretty cool. Pooh Bear. A Man. And Very handsome indeed.

At dinner, I looked around the table, feeling your presence, yet recognizing your absence. It was bittersweet. Your legacy lives on. Funny... The next graduation will be Nique's in 2012! (LOL)

As usual I called Stacy the "vessel" because the kids look more like me everyday. My braces have caused my bottom lip and smile to look increasingly like theirs. And to boot, they have my reddish brown complexion and not the penny colored one you and Stacy share.

Give my mom, Great Grand, and Great Aunt Clara a huge hug. Let them know I miss them tremendously. Tell Aunt Suzy, "wazzup!!" Yes Ma'm. I know that's not appropriate. I know you're still the adult. Let them all know I love 'em.

BTW Great Grand. I need another poem!

Here's one for you: Stacy, Nique and Pooh!

yes....

2009-06-06T21:28:00.000-07:00

it's beautiful here....

smiles everyone, smiles...

2009-06-04T13:53:00.001-07:00

Through life, on our journey from birth to death we walk very interesting paths to our destiny. One destination is well-being and contentment, the essence of happiness. As humans, we take very interesting paths to our personal happiness. Every once in a while we run into, and make rest stops at some of the most marvelous views and wonders this life has to offer. Here is one of the seven wonders of my life. I pray you enjoy your moments and your breath taking view as I am enjoying mine.

yes, thanks for listening

2009-06-03T21:07:00.000-07:00

good orderly direction
grace, opportunity and destiny
learning to love again
comingle (yes with one m, my own version) blend thoroughly in a harmonious whole, the art of being an individual in a budding relationship..
angel and eb.. (what?)
bug's all star
my guy B
an elm tree
without saying U21.
making better choices and decisions
a trip to the grocery store
a phone call that cleared the ayer (LOL)
being happy, genuinely happy for other's happiness!
pictures and matching frames. i love you Langston..
i miss you accounting firm.. thinking of you..
clarity. better than any prescription.
never doing anything that's not us
never doing anything that's not you
remembering all life's choices either by force or forethought, got us to this very moment. Rejoice in it! It will never come again.
and you.. how else would i know i was truly alive...

so you'll know what i did this summer..

2009-05-31T16:13:00.000-07:00

four of the fiercest young women in the world. for real...

AROC, MargoTruth, Shay and Perception

ATX U21 2009

Just a little dat and dis (yet) i Claim her... friendship

2009-05-29T06:59:00.000-07:00

This was our favorite meeting place. Before an angel's wings and a little balled up fist, we were two charming January Mofo's that shared a friendship. A bond. And a love of Chucks and Vee-Dubs.

We had, and continue to have a simple understanding, just laying low and being low key. Someone I could just be me and you could continue to grow into you. We found that in each other...

As life hits, and it does, we grow and move on. We fall in love (not with each other LOL!!) and begin our separate journeys. Never away from the friendship, just following the path that life takes us. We know that if the other ever needed a hand or a word, we'd be there.

Uncanny and true to us, our lives paralleled. We found ourselves making the same hard choices independent of conversations. We are also finding ourselves and better love along the way.

I can treat you as I have my life long friends. We don't have to talk everyday yet can answer the phone and pick up at the last moment we spoke or were together. That is the essence of a mature friendship. Thanks for being one of a handful.

I always give props to B-Langston, Angel, Eb and Chelle. You and the Kotalian mean as much to me, yet you have always been the one who would rather hang to the side until it was just our time. So forgive me for putting this out here....

I know you have cheered for me, as I have always cheered for you. No one understands our silence and unknowing glances. They don't have to. MOST IMPORTANTLY we do.

I look forward to continuing to cheer for you as you enter another phase in your life. You know I am always here. And prayerfully this time I get to be in the wedding. For real, you know!?! (I know you're a bit fearful, 'cuz I am just that CUTE... ROTFLMAO!!)

True to our goofy nature, I will leave you with this... our friendship can always be felt in the ayer!!!!!!

peace bug and love for chucks... we are all stars.

pleased as punch and grateful

2009-05-28T11:39:00.000-07:00

remembering a Lady always knows when to make an exit
remember what sustains me
prayer
your recovery!!!
sex and the city we kilt the 4th b
U21
love... yes, truly learning the meaning
did i mention knowing when to make an exit?
crazy moments not dwelling or defining me
langston.. please don't learn the hard way that i will cut you over him.. sorry, a little aggressive.
being a part of the beginning, not having to re-create ONE THING. IT cannot be recreated, there are some things you just get to HEAR about and experience vicariously through others... make YOUR moments, and MAKE THEM COUNT.. maybe someone will want to re-live those.
having moments people WANT to relive and re-CREATE.
g.o.d. for putting people in my path and life, even those i have to walk behind and those who i must leave me behind.. again... simply moments...

weekly prayer from N.W.

2009-05-27T12:19:00.000-07:00

Dear God, Sometimes I feel like I have poured myself into something or someone, and worked and fought for a cause, only to see no fruits for my labors. It all seemed in vain. But I know that You can work in all of that to fulfill a greater purpose. Please, don't let the labor of my heart and hands be in vain. I pray that all I do would be as unto You and for a good purpose and eternal value. Please bless the works of my heart and hands for Your glory. Please empower me with wisdom and insight through Your Holy Spirit. Please guide me every step and every day, to have a part in reaching this world for You and ministering to those I love. In Jesus' name, amen.

There are poets and there are grownups. "Jean Cocteau"

2009-05-26T08:01:00.000-07:00

There is a place in God's sun for the youth "farthest down" who has the vision, the determination, and the courage to reach it.
Mary McLeod Bethune (1875 - 1955)

this moment contains all moments.. C.S. Lewis

2009-05-25T06:55:00.000-07:00

I know. I know. Not 2006 AGAIN... Yes, 2006 again.

the year of personality and emotion, and man do we still have those things!!!
"Poetry is not a turning loose of emotion, but an escape from emotion; it is not the expression of personality, but an escape from personality. But, of course, only those who have personality and emotions know what it means to want to escape from these things."
T.S. Eliot (1888 - 1965)

giving thanks, LIVE from Renaissance Hall

2009-05-21T09:50:00.000-07:00

my (SUB)Urban HangSuite complete with Renaissance Hall, the Langston-Zora Suite and the Harlem Boudoir!
the birds and thier voracious chirping one kiss shy of the back of your neck til dawn....
the light breeze that caresses the lift of smiling cheeks before the morning alarm.
laughing with with the Sex and the City we kilt the 4th B crew. "have i told you i love you lately..."
A moment with Sam... R.I.P.
A moment with Quentin... R.I.P.
My Baby Brother is moving to San Antonio to go to dental school!!! It's always cool when family moves closer!
Talking to my Dad this morning...
U21. Like really? I am following Greatness.
Grace, Opportunity and Destiny (G.O.D.)
Good Orderly Direction (G.O.D.)
Faith (that everything falls the way it's suppose to regardless of the mess, it can be beautiful). It's like a Rorscharch Test.
For making the phone call to you. I don't care who you tell. One day, you will remember our initial conversation months ago. Again, Rorscharch or Holtzman. It's psychological. You see coat of arms, I see bat.
Langston... I pray you are learning.
Moments and seasons.
AN ELM Tree..
my friends here and far far away...
lastly facebook... for real, i've never laughed so hard!

a full stomach forgets how it's fed....

2009-05-20T13:45:00.001-07:00

funny...

with all the things going on with me recently, i keep forgetting how i was fed.. what has sustained me. and i have to, despite everything that's going on with me have faith that i have only one person to answer to. it is the eyes of truth when i stare into my reflection. i have to remember that i am not perfect, yet there is g.o.d in me. just as (s)he is in others. i often want to forget a few of my truths as i don't like to remain in the past.

the biggest is my truth about trust. i don't trust.

i don't have that:
1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
i mean i do. i do with the sex in the city we kilt the 4th b crew. i do with langston. adrienne. my sister.

yet i struggle, particularly when my life tightens, i.e. things change quickly and i can't take the time to figure it out, i simply snatch what i don't have time to think about, evaluate, re-evaluate, investigate, or revisit out of my life. i don't want to have to deal with "trust" issues.

there's where it is shaky. a few things have happened over the last week. most importantly, my job and the Under 21 team. which among very few things aside from my "partnership/companionship/friendship" and family vie for all of the attention in my life.

my youngest sibling, BJ called last week saying he "may move to San Antonio". i receive a text yesterday saying he is moving from north carolina to san antonio and BTW "sis, i need your help getting an apartment." my co-worker saga, which by all accounts i have handled well since i have been given an interim supervisory role. two close friends have had deaths in their family (which always freaks me the heck out) so i sit and ponder my choices and my mortality. people have entrusted their children to me. shelia has entrusted her daughter's legacy upon me.
i live alone. and i am the sole breadwinner. there is no one or thing to fall back on. and i had plans. big plans. now.

and none of them included dealing with trust issues! not right now. LIFE HAS BEEN SO SWEET. And I don't want to swerve from my lane.

now, i must look trust square in the eyes. and i have to trust myself to remain committed to my safekeeping, my word, my world and my integrity. there are too many people depending on me. i cannot trust those i do not trust to do that for me. i have to remain steadfast on the things that are most important.

that sounds strange. yet it is my truth. i am like a baby or a fool. i am always looked out for, faith is highly in my favor. truly. and despite the bad i can see in myself and others, i am truly an optimist when i have the time.

i don't have that time. if i take the time i may be homeless, not eat, be careless with someone's child or my word. my village taught me more than that. my family and friends remind me of that.

i started with a full stomach forgets how it's fed. i've had some shaky moments these last few days. i've wanted to dive in. make things my concern. it was momentarily enticing. i hit a curb, not a bump in the road! i cannot let these moments and days define who i am.

the last year , i have feasted upon positivity and prayer. if not, i may be stuck in some rut and would have never: developed one of my most cherished female friendships with a Butterfly, two promotions, two kick ass vacations, stepped away from people and things i love, obtained the sex in the city we kilt the 4th loving friendship, a thorough understanding of my confusing relationship with Langston, my family, and that damn ELM tree, as well as learned to smile through these f'ing braces! with that i am full... yet i am hungry, but not for disaster.

and while i am not as hungry as i once was, i am not full. and i will not forget that which continues to sustain me....

(SUB)Urban Hangsuite - I guess it never was, the way i thought it was, i say this just because

2009-05-19T19:42:00.000-07:00

if you understand the beginning well, the end will never trouble you-ashanti proverb.

you're still welcome...

Mondays......

2009-05-18T09:02:00.000-07:00

my weekend was scooter-riff-ic!

i retired the nonsense of the monkey and M&M.... (LOL)

rode my bike and walked around my hood....

rested under the shade of an Elm tree..

hung out with B-Fran...

had the first U21 meeting, thus my first visitors to the LOFT.... (Angel and EB, you are slipping!!!)

had my best longest buddy in the world text me several times saying she say me on HBO

got a text from the Kotalian with the freeze frame of us.. ROFLMAO!!!!

was reminded i missed the season finale of survivor!!! and that JT WON.. I thought he was a backstabbing prejudice SOB... frankly.. Taj should have won, but they weren't gonna let the wealthy sister win!!! She was really the most honest and trustworthy..

was irritated by a co-worker and the dishonesty in the workplace it really sucks.. (she presented my work as hers while i was out!!!) even caused me to post a rant (which i vowed never to do AGAIN) and a prayer from my girl Nicole... ugh.... i've got to do better... while i didn't go off or discuss it with anyone at work, i fumed inside.... better but now where i truly want to be..

lastly for one moment i was saddened. then.. it clicked... i've been minding my own business and loving the life i'm living... it's a gift that has kept on giving... so i'm stepping and living...

05.17.09

2009-05-17T21:16:00.000-07:00

just thoughts...

i am so happy knowing ME and my Lane....

one of my favorite daily e-mails is a prayer from my girl N.W.

2009-05-16T12:40:00.000-07:00

Kosher said something like, "Jesus was wearing all-stars, 'cuz we're all stars!!"

I'm sitting in my favorite room of my new home.. catching up and find this one..

Dear God, Calm my spirit today. Please forgive me of gossip or worry about the people and circumstances that surround me. Please replace anger with peace. Please help me to keep my focus on Jesus, author and finisher of my faith. Please help me to focus on what I need to accomplish today, and what You want me to do. Put away all wrong thoughts and keep me from wrong actions. I want to be a steady, stable, godly person who is a pleasure to be around and a loving witness of your mercy and glory. May I be an instrument that produces a sweet, soothing sound, uplifting spirits and pleasing the Master Conductor, My Lord. In Jesus' name I pray, amen

"when did the truth become a pandemic?" quote from the ELM

2009-05-15T03:08:00.000-07:00

and i agree. i think most people should just avoid it. simply because we live in little gray lies, we call our lives.
i

have realized what gets me into the most trouble.

it's

not what i believed.

yes, i do talk too damn much when i should say very little.

yet,

my real problem is THAT

remember everything. sometimes i remember too much.

THE BIGGER PROBLEM

i'm not afraid to remind YOU of what was said or done.

People don't like that..

it doesn't matter who said it or did it.

will remind you

at the most inopportune time!

i have a love hate relationship with rules...

i love my job as it is based on rules.

the

BLACK AND WHITE THAT MELD PERFECTLY TO GRAY...

is where i live and play!

RULES

govern us as a society as a people.

they are designed to keep us honest.

and I try to balance honesty and dishonesty by omission...

RULES

U either live by them or against them

U don't live in the midst of them,

U, I and MOST SIMPLY

exist in a gray area that shades them.

cannot attach yourself to right, honest and purposeful when

are willing to bend the the black and white into GRAY!

remember..

now know

are willing to bend..

not for justice

NOT FOR JUST US...

only for

U......

so the next time

I say I live in the GRAY..

Don't make me remind U that U too

live comfortably next to me,

are my neighbor

I mean

if not in my gray,

a darker shade.....

kdtaylor, 2009

A RANT..

NEO SOUL SLAM FINALS!!!!!

2009-05-14T09:22:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting on the bench, tonight... But I'm wishing all of you GOOD LUCK...

REP-PRE-SPIT POETS!!!!!

Grateful...

2009-05-13T09:15:00.000-07:00

Finally getting and settling into the Loft... It's feeling like home.
Dinner with the Sex in the City we kilt the 4th Crew. I love you Ladies.
Chil-riding with B-Fran to Killeen.
Last weeks Neo
The Under 21 Team.
My Elm Tree..
my family...
The strength in friendship. I am happy we've got to this space and place.
Knowing my lane well enough to drive with the lights off on a dark HIGHWAY!!!
Prayers
Remembering what used to be and vowing to make it better.
New beginnings on open highways with endless possibilities. Rolling the window down, enjoying the breeze, company and ride.
Witnessing a Mother's strength. I wish they all could be like Dr. Shelia.
Just a simple vow to make the most of the time I have on this EARTH. I am having a ball..
And lastly you... Yes, you... If not you, then who?

The Forgotten, and We Don't WANT WHITE ROSES!!!!

2009-05-10T13:57:00.000-07:00

Happy (un)mother's day to the woman who COURAGEOUSLY CELEBRATES THE WATER AND LAND. who continues to go to the beach for comfort, despite it's waters stealing her child...
Happy (un)mother's day to the woman who lost her child and STILL feels the pain in her womb..
Happy (un)mother's day to the girl who awkwardly places too much make up on her face because her mother died before she was able to teach her.
Happy (un)mother's day to the woman who lost her ONLY child, a daughter before she gave her a grandchild.. so not only has she lost her daughter she's lost her life line.
Happy (un)mother's day to the grandmother who has to stare into her deceased daughter though the eyes of her grandchild.
Happy (un)mother's day to the woman who never got the chance to say I'm sorry or make her mother proud. She accepts and loves you. she is also VERY proud.
Happy (un)mother's day to the woman who sees herself in the child who clumsily prepares burnt toast... the only childhood memory she has of mother's day...
Happy (un)mother's day to the little girl who will find everything lady and woman vile, as she does not want to face that her mother is no longer there to support her!
Happy (un)mother's day to the woman who cannot afford to see her daughter in prison.
Happy (un)mother's day to the mother who can't see her children because she's in prison.
Happy (un)mother's day to the woman who has lost her child to the streets.
Happy (un)mother's day to the woman who desperately wants children, yet cannot birth them.
Happy (un)mother's day to every child who has to make a card for a grandparent, aunt or some other woman in their life.

Happy (un)mother's day to the ones who will want to hide, cry, bury themselves deep into themselves and their pain. I feel you.

Happy Mother's day to the Village that reared me. Celebrate. Know that I love you.

AND TO MY FRIENDS WHO ARE MOTHER'S ENJOY THIS SPECIAL DAY, YOU ARE WORTHY!!!

san antonio to dallas to austin.... part II

2009-05-09T13:28:00.000-07:00

Bryan St was special because it was truly my choice. I had just been freed from a hostage like relationship (LOL). God did for me what I couldn't do for myself. It’s called a JOB TRANSFER!!! So I was free to search for me… It took me a month to find it. I canvassed the area every evening and on weekends. There was a HUGE TREE just outside my window. Birds chirped early in the morning wake me up sooner than I liked! Squirrel did their thing. There were way, way, I MEAN WAY too many quinceaneras. And the tree roaches were a bit off the chain.

BUT I loved it.

Before the move, of course I threw things away. Furniture, dishes, gifts from the ex, pictures of the ex and I, and extra stuff that I felt did not have a need. This was my moving ritual!!! I found it cleansing, empowering!

I loved my Loft/Flat in East Dallas. The Urban removal was in full fledged in Dallas before it was a spark in anyone’s eye in Austin. I lived comfortably around a multi-ethnic cultural mix of people. I could walk to the market for groceries or restaurant for lunch/dinner, ride my bike down town, jog along Swiss St, take the train, and stumble home in DRUNKENNESS from the lower Greenville Ave Clubs! Or cheap cab fare from Cedar Springs, Deep Ellum and Downtown. It was paradise. If I had not taken a job in Austin, I’d probably still live in that apartment!

My new place has the Bryan St., Boatright Cove, and Ferris St. potential. Yet it has brought up a lot of memories. As I was moving, I began searching for things. Remembering things, and looking for small mementos that let me know I had truly lived. There were missing pictures of my past loves or likes (depends on my mood).

Age has a way of reminding you who is actually in charge! I was reminded of my vulnerability. I was reminded of my time, space and place in this WORLD. Moving has taken me in many directions. While it has been solemn, at times painful, hurtful, sad, it has began to show that it is NOT FOR THE BEST! but for THE BETTERMENT of me.

I miss many of the items I deemed useless and superfluous. I miss the memories attached to them. I remembered throwing away the build a bear, Guapa (a gift from CDR) after I found her birth certificate in a box I hadn’t opened in years. My favorite Martha’s Vineyard t-shirt after seeing a picture of me wearing it. I thought about the ring and watch I threw away after CAD and I broke up. All the pictures where we were wrapped so tightly in love (I couldn’t cut myself out of the picture to keep me, and I was DAMN CUTE!) that I torn into pieces after we broke up. I thought about the pictures of me and my moped. Pictures of my days at St. Mary’s with my Chi Phi brothers, Sig Ep guy friends and countless others that would be hilarious on Facebook. Love letters. Plane tickets. Concert ticket stubs. Year books. Shoes. Jeans. T-shirts. Stuffed animals. Trinkets. Man everything.

So as I placed the emerald vase on the shelf, a plastic wrapper an Emergency God Kit with among other things an aged (at least 10 years old) piece of peppermint, my Grand's bibles, handkerchiefs, a thirty year old pocket dictionary, a crotchet blanket, a really cool burgundy blanket that really doesn't match anything in the house as well as a sticky note pad with GOD's sweetest gift along side (all gifts from my Grand) I knew like her memory, I could never part with these things. Much like not being able to erase he number from my phone log! I remembered one of the last times I was at Zerrcliff. We were going through things after her funeral. Remembering. Then I thought one day some one will have to gather my things. Scoop up what’s left of my life and throw it/ME away. Would they toss them carelessly or study them? Laugh? Cry? Remember? Take a piece of me with them? Maybe most items would have no meaning to them. Then I thought, I’ve treated the precious items and times in my life as hasty as a stranger. What do my things say? What do my friends say? Do they say I did not only love but I was loved. I had fun. I laughed. I cried. I sought. I conquered. I was defeated. I learned. I prayed. I thought? I volunteered? Gave my time? Kept my word? Was honest? Mentored? Lead? Followed? What? How would anyone know that if I continue to throw away the things that are most important? Including people?

And it was scary. It was a scary place to be. So in my new place… I vow to do the following
Not look for the next place to live.
Call it home.
Treat it like home.
Entertain friends, not PEOPLE!!
Welcome friendship
Foster love
Let G.O.D. in (BEFORE ME) each and every time I enter!!!
Also make sure he closes the door behind us!!
Savor moments.

So I don’t want any one’s feelings to be hurt, I have to treat my home as I treat myself. EVERYONE CAN’T COME INSIDE!!!

san antonio to dallas to austin.... part I

2009-05-08T12:27:00.000-07:00

When I was about five, we moved around the corner from Corliss St. to Ferris St. I was too young to remember any specific emotions attached to the move. The summer of my transition from elementary to middle school we moved from my Great Grandmother’s house on Ferris to what would become my childhood home, 111 Zerrcliff Lane. That was a life altering move. I often tell friends that everything that is good about me came from my Great-Grand. The house on Ferris St holds significant memories. There I was allowed to be a child. I knew a child’s place and it was the most free I’d felt in my life. It was also the only time during my childhood that I felt someone actually tried to make me a home and make me welcome at home!

At 111 Zerrcliff I leaned a very tough life lesson before I ever set foot into the house or laid my head on a pillow. Everything, I MEAN EVERYTHING is expendable if the person in charge does not value it. I quickly learned what expendable and “trash” meant. The move was particularly emotional as my sister and I had two dogs. I can remember the day we moved, crying as we looked out of the back window of that old blue Pontiac rounding the corner as we went on to our new adventure. We had to leave our pets behind.

SIDEBAR: Trigger, (yes, we wanted a horse) a Fox Terrier given to us a puppy to console us after the loss of our Mother. I can remember the morning he was given to us. My sister and I stumbling sleepily out of our room in footed pajamas, rubbing our eyes, responding to the whine and bark of our puppy! It was Christmas morning, a few months after our mother's death, my sister hadn't gone a day without crying (I've been told, until that day!). My Great Grand and Great Aunt kept telling us that Santa was going to bring us something special. (We thought it was a horse!) We jumped in joy before we fell to our knees scooping up our little curly ball of fur…. Sassy (another Fox Terrier) Trigger's wife (had a wedding and everything!) was given to us the following year.

While the new house had ENOUGH SPACE and A YARD, we (the dogs, my sister and I) would no longer be afforded the type of freedom we were used to. Our beloved pets would become outside dogs, they were not welcome into the house. They were expendable, regardless of the memories attached to them! So we had to leave them behind with the lady who (worked for my Great Grand) and who would now rent our old home.

I spent 8 years in a house that never felt like home. I spent 8 years learning the meaning of expendable and trash! I can remember my last night in that house, and how I vowed I would sleep on the street before I returned. As I aged I became a vagabond, a drifter. Drifters don’t attach themselves to anything or anyone, except of course other drifters. I lived in practically every Women’s Dorm on St. Mary’s campus. After I graduated and went to Grad School, then the work force I moved from apartment to apartment, condo to condo, house to house. At least once I moved after 6 months in the same community. I even moved from one apartment to a house before I finished unpacking my things! I have always “looked” for the next place to live. And with each move, I redefined expendable and trash…. I’ve thrown or convinced my partner to throw away significant items. “So what if it has memories. And? It’s trash. It doesn’t have any meaning. Really, by keeping that one thing you’re not going to remember _____________. Are you serious right now, we can get a new one!” I don’t think I told you my Grand got us a new puppy to go along with the new home.

Since Ferris St. in San Antonio, the only place that has EVER truly felt like home was my loft apartment on Bryan St. in Dallas, TX. There were glimpses of home at my ELM’s house on Boatwright Cove. In fact, if the mitigating factors that contributed to our general discomfort disappeared and if our relationship had been stronger at the time I would have gladly called it home. There was a Ferris St. safeness and welcomed feel to it.

I say all this to say. I have moved again. I have been in Austin 9 years. I have lived in two apartments in one community and two houses in two Suburban cities. The longest, my most recent address was three years. And while my house in Pflugerville was a dream, it didn't feel like home.... to either of us.

to be continued....

Movin' on Up and Grateful...

2009-05-07T10:10:00.000-07:00

01) A beautiful LOFT APARTMENT with stained concrete floors and a park view from every window in every room!!!
02) That I am healthy enough to have a back-ache!
03) Loving me... Loving me... Falling in love with me, I am one sexy mother hubbard!!!
04) Loving my Elm Tree through every season...
05) My Sex in the City we kilt the 4th B... Pluckin' soon?
06) For a WONDERFUL WEEKEND with poets and Friends....
07) Youth Slam Team, Under 21... All young women, SAY WHAT? and I am so happy with the diversity of the group...
08) Chelle, yes, Butterfly I'm calling you out... I am grateful for the paths and roads we tripped, stumbled, fallen, skipped, ran and now walking along. Can I say I love you?
09) Langston. Just 'cuz... Man. Damn.
10) That the BULL is healthy!!!!!!
11) Grace, Opportunity and Destiny as it manifests itself in my life... even when i don't understand I am truly happy with the outcome...
12) Falling on knees at night, instead of collapsing... Yes... there is a sweet difference!
13) For you, if not how would I truly know I am alive!!!!

tripped out of my lane...

2009-04-29T14:34:00.000-07:00

I have to remember to learn to walk the f' away.......

Go Shorty...it's ya birthday

2009-04-27T07:35:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

DAVID HILL!!
COACH SHAKA..

I SAY A BOOM CHICK BOOM!!!!!

spread the word, let's celebrate with dave on thursday at the slam!!!

Austin Slam Champ Possibilities...

2009-04-24T14:01:00.000-07:00

Faye, we have watched you grow from a timid and anxious poet... to be brilliant poet and artistic performer... You are just another one of the little seeds that blossomed into a beautiful flower. Do you.. Have fun... You have a village standing behind you.. chanting, praying, willing you to success. though you would never believe it... you inspire me as a poet, survivor and woman. Young woman it's time for the sun to braze your cheeks... you are a woman warrior... lift your head to the sky and smile beautifully. most of all.... You could be the first, so....

REPRE-SPIT!!!!

Langston..... a work in progress

2009-04-23T14:15:00.000-07:00

He.
He can't bear the weight of the masses.
Yet...
He tries.
He.
Despite himself
and the oft
misguided voice
which speaks in
voluminous silence..
I hear him.
in darkness..
reach for him
and the anguish he conceals
in his capaciously clandestine grin..
He desperately tries.
Yet I know.
And.
I love him for it.
He.
With giant strides,
and baby steps
head held high,
conceals secrets and pain.
He holds them tightly
against his bulging chest..
Arms gunning truths
that persistently invade
his thoughts,
his heart.
elusive.
Words held tightly
in the rise of his cheeks
seek refuge in gums.
Dare not speak it,
lest we live it.
Yet he smiles.
Or at least he tries.
He, attentive to
every thing and one
outside himself..
He a facade.
A simple delusion.
and I love him.
His valor,
fading.
His strength,
weakening.
His heart, rhythmically seeking it's beat.
The one he remembers in dreams.
The beat that cries along side him..
Before it all..
Before smiles were heavy.
Words consuming.
He speaks.
Or at least he tries.
He tries to speak over the screams
raging inside him...
I hear them
in the quiet of dawn
and pray
that he finds
peace...
kdtaylor, 2009
section 8 coffee publications
all rights reserved..

Happy!!!! SMILING MORE - the braces are doing thier job!!!

2009-04-22T12:58:00.000-07:00

Early Grateful......

my elm tree...
my sex in the city we kilt the 4th b crew... Congrats little balled up fist!!!!
a wonderful weekend with my friends.... i truly am blessed to have EACH ONE OF YOU IN MY LIFE!!!! regardless of what you may think..
chelle... thanks it would not have been the same without you!!!!
sarah finding her voice despite her fears!!! it was amazing..
faye!!!! you will be neo's representation in FLA!!!!! i will be there with bells on my toes!!!
the kids... dang I get to host for them this weekend and I am excited..
for the leaves.... it was a beautiful autumn, but i must let you go and look forward to spring... (CHELLE THIS IS OUR NEXT POEM!!)
grace... and prayer, please look after my Angel....
good orderly direction... continued blessings and grace...
my sister and niece...
my nephew has a basketball try out at ST. Ed's today!! Yes another NAIA student athlete and I want him HERE with ME!!!!
the francises... thanks for making me a baby sister, i love all of you..
kotalian!!! it's great to have you and the princess back, don't stay away so long next time, but we all know what it's like to desire and crave space..
FOR YOU.... YES for YOU... you let me know I am alive....
for my january sis who shared ez burgers... working on me.. will write soon..

Purple - is royalty. A mysterious color, purple is associated with both nobility and spirituality

2009-04-21T13:19:00.000-07:00

Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends.

thanks sex in the city w/kilt the 4th, langston, butterfly, and others....

2009-04-17T07:48:00.000-07:00

for those who just keep wondering...
i am not angry...
I don't want you to recognize me...
I am not who you ever believed
I was..
I am happy.... er....
with er and without er....
really...
and i just want time...
my time.
space...
my space.
to put ME and my life back together
with er and without er again..
this time
with perspective,
and the gift of hindsight.
no one ever really knew me,
only what they believed..
perceived...
and created....
give me time..
give me space...
allow me to drive my little car in my lane...
it's a beautiful place,
and space...
really....
i pick up who i chose and we ride a while...
i drop some off...
it depends on my mood..
and frame of mind...
yet i am fine....
really....
and have little use for the rear view mirror...
the road ahead is so damn beautiful...................

pinkie!!! peachey!!!!

2009-04-15T23:56:00.000-07:00

Thanks....

friends who mind their own business and stay in their lane.
my sister and family
time
falling in love with poetry all over again
grace
writing
possibilities
my langston
she spending time with her family (doesn't mean i don't miss you!!)
my little balled up fist (miss you too!)
seeing sarah laugh and be comfortable in her choices!!! even a haiku!!
stacy s for bringing life to my poem...
a butterfly..
my life....
my ELM tree
Good Orderly Direction which continues to sustain me...

Goofy... and Punchy...

2009-04-07T12:11:00.000-07:00

This is the following night. Went to the races all day Friday. The heat prevented me from going out on Saturday as I wanted to enjoy the Urban Music festival. I'm trying out hats... ELM says I look goofy in them and of all the hats i could purchase, i got the QUEEREST ONE IN WALLY WORLD.. Yes, It's Punchy from Hawaiian Punch... LOL..... I thought it looked cute for a two day run! She hated her pic so I cut her off... LOL.

Texas Relay Weekend....

2009-04-06T12:07:00.000-07:00

This is me and my bestest friend outside the Sex in the City We Kilt the 4th B Crew in the ATX.

He is so many things........

We had a great time burning up in the heat, laughing and just being us.

No one truly understands us and that's cool..

I will continue to be the "BAD" Cop while he does his "Good!"

Chelle we missed you, but we knew it was your birthday!!!!

LOL

Catching Up.....

2009-04-04T10:14:00.000-07:00

It's been a tough, hectic past week and some days... House guest. practicing for the new show, additional job duties, preparing for the month, and all... Last week I didn't do a grateful list but I have so much to be grateful for....

beautifully long days
cool nights
family even those who don't share my bloodline, we have a kinship!
staying true to me and my beliefs
friends who respect boundaries, and remain in their lane!!
personal growth
letting go
loving in spite and despite
sex in the city we kilt the 4th crew
my monkey
my ELM tree
a great weekend (more to come)

I'm going to lay off my blog for a minute (at least with poetry and what some believe is personal).

there is nothing!

stop reading into things.. LOL

I'm going to always keep you guessing..

Butterflying Young(er)

2009-04-03T10:10:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday

Michelle Desiree'

"May the wings of the butterfly kiss the sun. And find your shoulder to light on. To bring you luck, happiness and riches. Today, tomorrow and beyond." An Irish Blessing

and many more......

Friday Thanks... she said I was "hawt!"

2009-03-27T08:25:00.000-07:00

01) hanging out with my DUDE, we will chill for the next week or so.
02) the Monkey gets to meet the butterfly. (LOL)
03) a really great night of poetry and music. It was great to be an AUDIENCE member.
04) love and baby steps.
05) finding myself.
06) a new frontier
07) good orderly direction
08) friends, messages and texts, thanks.. LOL!
09) chillaxing
10) knowing... just peace in knowing
11) laughing and smiles..
12) unexpected compliments from random folk. it's nice to be reminded that I am devilishly cute! (LOL)
13) a hot a** group piece with Stacy and B-Fran...

human trafficking piece for show

2009-03-25T12:11:00.000-07:00

Mary of Bethany III

i was once some one’s daughter;
held tightly against protective bosoms,
feed spoiled and spilt milk dreams
that could never satisfy my voracious appetite.
i need to be full(filled).
i’ve seen what seems
like my motherless blood streams
burst at seams
let loose my woman child
expose her girl inside.
then she, I and we
clasp hands and hearts
as we watch our child (hood)
collapse, expand and unfold.
flow through vast green valleys
rolling bountiful through mountainous ranges;
only to be swallowed whole by the cold desolate desert sands.
disastrously unpredictable and painstakingly beautiful!
my life, stretched before and behind me
was once a series of yellow parking lines
tucked in a ghetto or concrete jungle.
cracked, disheveled and obsolete.
paralyzed to most eyes,
i am a delusion
speeding so fast.
I stood still!
never yielding,
junked illusions
plagued me
like broken rusted cars,
vagrants searching for their next fix,
and the heated steam that rushed from me just after
a summer rain!
yet I appear vacant.
my golden stripes,
shaded and faded fall
desperately deep into the
dense asphalt cradling the reality of my existence..
i am searching to blend and fill in.
i feast upon blandness and nothingness.
that emptiness sustains me,
like my life
it spans a billion miles each way
i turn..
i have aged and grayed
laying on my back;
traveled rail tracks;
tucked memories in knapsacks
stuck thumb in the wind;
vowing to never turn back..
each time
i sought myself
i’d find myself off track
brought back
bushwhacked,
attacked
beaten blue and black..
So I stay..
and weigh the weight
of lighted burdens wrapping me
holding me tightly
strangling me gently..
snatching me from tribal familiar
stolen before I ever knew my name..
they’ve tattooed highways,
and byways along my veins,
i am human cargo modernized slave..
i once called stop signs my father,
and street corners, mother.
i was born under
a black tarred highway
somewhere between hellfire and damnation.
linking death to liberation,
anticipation to desperation
expectation to trepidation.
the pungent confused condition
of enslavement
is the only constant I know..
aside from the lamp post lights
which rise, like the morning sun
so
i call stop signs padre,
street corners, madre,
they look over me,
protect me..
i cannot be human.
what else would birth a whore?
i was once someone daughter,
I just don’t know whose?

kdtaylor, 2009
section 8 coffee
all rights reserved

We Kilt the 4th...

2009-03-23T06:40:00.000-07:00

or at least the little balled up fist one in the middle did!!!!

gratefulme....

2009-03-20T11:00:00.000-07:00

01) the strength to breathe, even when I believe I can't or won't.

02) g.o.d.

03) amazing growth

04) resiliency

05) great friends - i am thankful, grateful and astonished that after all this, we're still here.

06) you trusting me, my knowledge, my opinion... DAMN thanks Cuz.

07) my sex in the city we kilt the 4th b crew...

08) my monkey!!! rediscovering me.

09) long nights

10) your presence, it was wonderful.

11) staying in my lane, and prayerfully the continued respect from others to remain out of mine..

12) thursday night step lessons...

13) the shade of an ELM Tree...

14) I Corinthians 13

There in SPIRIT - Spit Fiyah!!!

2009-03-18T13:03:00.000-07:00

An oldie for a hella poet!!! She doesn't know she is just as good, if not better than some of the writing that hit the stage. I say this not because she calls me her mentor or because she is one of my favorite writers as well... I say this because, I want her, like I want anyone else with dedicated potential to make a true effort to be a part of who and what we are about to become. I say this because she reminds me of a time when me, Brian, KA, Love and Ron would get together and write..... Writing not for anything other than to write (there was no liquor-no smoke-no hanging - just writing!), because if we didn't write and share our idealistic passion and prose we would truly die. Writing not because of inspiration by another writer's style, prose, verse, style or words, writing because.. hell, if we didn't it didn't feel like breathing... I write this because I want her to know that I have all the confidence in the world in her and her abilities... I write this to right the wrong in her which does not allow her to fully grasp who she is with a pen... to remind her that it is and will always be, the passion behind the words that must be conveyed. and while I am not your butterfly, I know that I have a special place in your world. and on this day, I do for you what Mo does for me.... PUSH YOU...... I hope this puts you on blast and pushes you beyond your mental limitations.... And have what I will always have for you, even when you're exhausted and feel you can't write another word, spit another piece, memorize another poem... tell you that you can and you will.... Cousin, pop your collar, it's time to shine... you can and you will.....

solemn and not blue

2009-03-17T14:14:00.000-07:00

to say that i love you is an understatement,
misrepresentation....
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
solemn and not blue,
i am worn at the seams like
an aged book,
peeled, cracked, used...
##############
I can read myself like my favorite novel,
skim words,
skip detail,
and know innately
how to re-write
and write
to right
each and every the chapter..
the characters,
always fill the
same voids
re-named to save
lives, lies and identities...
----------
how did i get here?
============
Again?
*****************
i've stopped running in sneakers, cuz i'm still not as swift as my last truthful thought.
and no matter how swift i may be, i can't chase you out my mind...
\\\\\\\\\\
not like i want to
//////////
what's a girl to do?
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

quiero, quiero ser frío

2009-03-13T09:51:00.001-07:00

OVERHEARD - The ever changing weather in Texas. Everyone was basically discussing how blue they felt, since it was frigging 80 degrees earlier this week! "Weather affects my mood.. .."

Quiero, Quiero ser Frio
I want to be cleansed by the acrid mist.
I want to sluggishly plummet
from heartrending eyes.
Descend the break of rise
to fall upon nimbostratus cheeks…
I am drizzle.
I am humid moisture.
I want to float among the
grizzled sky and blackened
approaching night.
I am clouded.
I am numb.
I want to stand in the cold.
I want to freeze from the
inside out
outside and back
in again.
I don’t want to feel.
I am deadlocked.
I am an ambitiously
flummoxed struggle;
my wit and will
hinge frantically fraught
against the fraying strands
of hope and faith.
My frailties fragilely
failing my humanness.
I willingly
lay lifelessly against
my last straw.
Flimsy I know.
Lately and constantly,
I am easily broken.
I am smashing
thoughts against wreck and havoc.
I am a billion cracked raucous
expressions ravenously
searching it’s voice.
It’s whole.
It's being.
I am searching for me.
I am fully void.
Up till now I’ve had my fill.
I’ve had more than my share…
I am thunder,
silently.
I am rain,
drying.
I am love,
hating.
I am loathe,
adoring.
I am distraught feelings turning
their back against themselves.
I don’t want to think.
I don't want to hurt.
I want to stand in the cold.
Rip away clothing, skin, flesh and bones.
I am INVISIBLE!
Transparent.
I am exposing myself
my soul
for the very first time.
I am nakedly free.
I am a universe of inhibitions
gravitating to myself.
Attaching myself to
myself
orbiting a confused state of ponderance.
I am an explosion.
I am an implosion. .
I am a deceptive inception
of existence.
Momentary.
I know.
I want to stand in the cold.
I want to coil into fetal position
entreat and weep.
I want to sobbingly beg
in the tongue
of a forgotten apostle
or fallen angel.
I want to courageously betray all my heart knows.
I am a traitor,
treacherously and faithfully betraying.
Yet.
I want to pray.
I just don’t know how.
I am clouded.
I am numb.
I am pain.
I want to stand in the cold.
I don’t want to feel.
I want to be cleansed.
kdtaylor, 2009
Section 8 Coffee Publications
All Rights Reserved.

olive juice, hugs and kisses

2009-03-11T19:27:00.000-07:00

after 231 hours and 18 minutes, I have hope stained sheets
and pillow top tears of memories past
I cling to a blanket which holds your fragrant scent, it continues to
mesmerize, linger and last
and I ask
is this what it means to have your nose wide open because my heart searched for you, my familiar notion
and your absence
despite my presence
remained in the air well into my first night without you.
the next morning, your essence was etched into the sky’s blue
but the sun scorched a coldness which in this lifetime I swore I’d never knew
I am chilled at the thought of miles and time
that separate me from my life line
seconds flow
yet, moments slow
and my world, my moon and my sun, orbit and spin
to a stand still
I am no longer convinced it has spun to spin out of control
but it is only you I want to hold
my arms ache from holding space which was once filled with you
I clutch to the curve, the bend, the fold of an hour glass
sand falls freely like memories past
flows like your blood bumping thru our veins
causing my heart to beat
flows like your breath filling our lungs
allowing me to breathe
flows like your thoughts occupying my mind
and it’s only our dreams I speak of
flows like your pains that slip from our lips
when I am asking for prayers from the Lord above
I clutch to the curve, the bend, the fold of an hour glass
sand falls freely like memories past
it’s been 231 hours and 22 minutes and counting,
since I last felt your heartbeat next to mine
and I ask myself , am I losing time or am I losing my mind
cuz’ I ‘m drowning in the sand
that has fallen between what stands
between you and I, us, we and our future
and yes, yes, Baby, I am sure
after seventy two hours basking in the shadows of your smile,
I no longer felt like myself after awhile
somehow things within my soul had changed
and my life’s plan was rearranged
may, I ask for another seventy two hours, if not forty years
of your time to witness you conquer your fears
and when needed, kiss away every single tear
I beg of you, give me the time your parents gave to each other
I ask of you, let no one put asunder…..
because after 231 hours and 24 minutes I continue to long for touch
give me 40 minutes if not 40 years to show you that I love you so much……..

i don't know..... good night..

A reminder...

2009-03-10T07:54:00.000-07:00

TO A FRIEND...

Sometimes the most foolish thing you can do is continue in a relationship, that in the minds of most reasonable, rational, clear-thinking, healthy individuals would be easily identified as a mistake, walk away from and never look back. Not us. It is our dis-EASE that causes us to seek approval from people whom, we may never ever, receive it from. There will be few nods and little recognition. We love, people, who, are emotionally unavailable, or weighed with past hurts and distrusts which prevent them from trusting us, our behaviors and our words. People who can never see us for who were are. People who, say they want someone to love them unconditionally. Love them with conviction. Love them with passion. But can never return the same love.

It is foreign, a mythical illusion which they believe is possible for themselves, but are limited in their capacity to let go and love. To be vulnerable. Yet we continue try, believing somehow that we will say the right thing, do the right thing, become angry enough to snap them into reality, see us for who we are, and say "I am a changed person. Wow, I've been waiting for you all my life! Look what you've done." That realization never occurs, we are left healing in the hurt we caused for ourselves. Leaving us empty, leaving us selfless. Perhaps it is in fact, a self-esteem issue, disguised in arrogance and false confidence. Or a quiet weakened dignity that allows us to accept less than what we truly deserve. It hurts and we lash. We lash out in angered disappointment despising ourselves with each word. Words which are in fact boomerangs, means of us telling ourselves the truth. The curses and spewed hate aimed at another are self inflicting, designed to humiliate the core of ourselves. I hurt, so shall you.......

Love wrapped in a shiny paper laced with ignored ignorance and plummeting self worth has a way of preventing us from seeing the truth.... It is not love...Depending on another for your happiness or a definition of who you are is fool hearted. Yet, you do... Disillusioned, and hurt, you swallow tears choking on the bland reality that perhaps this is what love is truly about. It is not. And while you may fear being alone, you will learn that those you are most attracted to share your dis-EASE, even if their symptoms are the polar opposite of yours.

There are no knights in shining armor or princesses to be rescued from towers. There are no magical shoes or beans. A kiss will never wake you from that comatose state. No dwarfs will pop out of the woods to assist you in healing until you are able to love again. There is no Captain John Smith to see your exotic beauty and truly appreciate it. There is no one who will wage wars to protect your name and reputation. The reality is unless we change our behaviors, there will be no happy endings, only endless marathons of promises soon to be broken and infinite final goodbyes left unspoken.

Waking every morning believing today will be the last one with no weakened hello at the end of the day to help us forget. An elixir numbing the pain and disappointment that you will call love. The saddened state you would call a relationship. Because you are afraid to leave. And fear remaining...... So you stand, face to face, deadlocked... In silent apprehension and brazen dread... Not wanting to accept the truth of the emotion or the moment of truth.

Nobody m/loves no one gets hurt.. but Baby girl, someone has to m/love and yes, someone will always get hurt.....

Another Again.. I'm challenging all who read to do this!!

2009-03-09T07:42:00.000-07:00

5 minutes with Kimberley D Taylor (the poet formerly known as Thir13Teen). I sound good already.

If money didn't matter what would you do with your life? I move to a place where no one knew me. I would wake up every morning and go to Starbucks to people watch. I would create stories, poems and prose about them and place them in a book entitled: section 8 coffee presents: 13's conversation with self.

What's the biggest misconception about you? I don't like people, I'm mean.. I like everyone I meet. i just don't consider everyone I meet a friend.

Beauty or brains? Brains. I love intelligence, quick wit and sarcastic humor.

What is your weapon of choice? If I gave into my current state of mind, I'd say REVENGE to (Live well. It is the greatest revenge. The Talmud) and better than I have til this point. However, I've been practicing kindness. I was reminded by a childhood friend of my heart before I lost my Grand. Incidents that occurred in junior high school principle and later a high school counselor, who in the end (because of my behavior) told me (when i was about to be kicked out of school) "young lady, you succeeded. you are capable of killing people with kindness, go back to class."

Who was your first celebrity crush? I guess maybe, Robert Hooks from the White Shadow.

What's your family's nickname for you? My Grand had a way of calling me her favorite grandchild when ever we greeted by phone or in person.... I miss that. My Dad calls me KD.... My niece and nephew call me Auntie Kimmie and I love the way their sing song pronunciation rings in my ears...

What is your most embarrassing guilty pleasure? My $1000.00 a year crack addiction at Starbuck's Coffee.

What's the last book you've read? The Wisdom of Crowds and Black Pain.

Name one thing that scares you? Dying alone.

What's the biggest mistake you've made? Not staying with my grand, the night I won the San Antonio Slam. That was our very last time together.

Who would you cast to play you in a movie about you? Nia Long

If you ran for President of the United States, who would be your running mate? Bill Maher, some body's got to be there when it gets ugly.

Who is your favorite TV mom? Angela Petrelli from Heroes.. She is so protective and ruthless it's ridiculous.

What's the fastest way to pick a fight with you? Making unwarranted rude/ugly statements. Generally I'm polite, even when i am being "mean".

If you could tell one person to shut up, who would it be? Probably myself every time I'm about to stick my foot in my mouth.

Who would you die for? They're already dead. I would love to be courageous and list names (like my niece, nephew or sister). I truly believe it would be spontaneous.... The act of dying for another....

Name one celebrity with whom you would never procreate under any circumstances? Flava Flav.

It would be an honor if some said my writing/poetry reminded them of_____________. Etheridge Knight or Chris Lee.

Name one sex act you would never perform if you were the opposite sex? Don't come near my ass with anything....

Would you ever pose for Playgirl/Playboy? Huh, no!

When was the last time you cried? last night, over spilt milk.

What's the greatest personal tragedy you've ever experienced? The death of my village (in this order, my mother, great aunt, great-grand, favorite aunt, grand).

Complete this sentence: By this time next year______________. I will be better than I am today.

juz cuz...

2009-03-07T12:08:00.000-08:00

Are you goin to scarborough fair? parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme. Remember me to one who lives there, she once was a true love of mine

Tell her to make me a cambric shirt, parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme. Without no seams nor needlework, then she'll be a true love of mine

Tell her to find me an acre of land, parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme. Between the salt water and the sea strand, then she'll be a true love of mine.

Tell her to reap it in a sickle of leather, parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme. And to gather it all in a bunch of heather, then shell be a true love of mine.

Are you goin to scarborough fair? parsley, sage, rosemary and thymeRemember me to one who lives there, she once was a true love of mine

yo y el mono en la pared

2009-03-06T09:48:00.000-08:00

Overheard..
last night, I probably heard too damn much...
i went out for what i believed to be a chill night.. it wasn't.. most of you who read my blog were there, and witnessed it. there's no need to go into it..

My HORRIBLESCOPE for today:
Aquarius (1/20-2/18)
This is a phase in your life where you should try to organize negative feelings
Try to live up to your expectations today -- responsibility is a key issue for you and all it takes is one big show for you to feel incredibly good about yourself. Of course, others feel even better about you!

WTF for real? come on!
okay well a sum of feelings i guess..
------------------------
there is no poem... i don't want it to be negative (LOL)
++++++++++++++++
p.s. i care about everyone, it is my humanity. last night i did what i believed was best for OUR VENUE/OUR NEO HOME. i don't have a dog in this fight, and don't want to hear your's barking. i care about myself too much to get involved in your shhhhh
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
I’m pushing poetry
like a hustla pushes rocks
An agent pushes jocks
trigger fingers on glocks
tick tocks on clocks
Cuz the second I stop
jabbing my jaws
to breathe and pause,
so will the applause..
and i'd be forced to see my flaws
------------------------------------------
this slam thing, as much as i like it, is deadly. it's an effing game. it's survivor meets american idol meets prostitution. use your tongue, lips and mouth to out wit, out play, out perform. PERIOD. it doesn't mean you're the best poet. you're just the best poet to 5 judges (or you gave the best mind fck to 5 Johns!) that night.. Hell, i've loved it (slam) like the next when i've won, so i know how good it feels. but i also loved it when i lost. ;0) (LOL)
----------------------------------------
i am a poet,
lost..
i prostitute my poems for props
and jaw drops;
never considering what i think is hot
others may feel is NOT!!!
--------------------------------
i've lost associates (if we were REALLY friends a score or team membership could never divide us) over a simple slam and 50.00 dollars. My ex would say, "i bought you cheap or i bought my freedom from you rather cheaply."
_________________
"Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow-ripening fruit." -- Aristotle (4th century B.C.)
------------------------------
this is my motto. thanks Selah for recognizing that. last night she and i had a brief conversation at the bar. she acknowledged a simple truth, my truth regarding friendship. i told her i truly like everyone i meet, i just don't consider everyone to be a friend. and associates feel it MOST when i am amongst my friends. at times, i generally want more friends, yet it takes time to develop a relationship based on "mutual honesty, trust and respect." and that's what i want. there are people who would consider someone their friend and generally not trust or respect them. think about it for a moment.
my friends and i respect each other enough to trust that we can tell each other anything honestly!! thank g.o.d. i have that.
======================
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear. John 4:18
Baby, I am no longer afraid. I'm enjoying the ride, and loving what we are becoming..
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Patricia Smith on Sunday night at 501 Studios.

monkeying around and grateful

2009-03-05T10:27:00.000-08:00

thankfullllllll....

01) a beautiful weekend with the love of my life. yes, even, despite, in spite..still..
02) (re)learning how remain friends and lovers
03) peace be still (trying and learning)
04) a sister's unyielding love.
05) a superwoman and a little fist of fury (we call each other friend and family.. i love you ladies!)
06) the monkey on my back..
07) poems ( i think i might be writing something like them again)
08) patricia smith is MOVING TO AUSTIN!!!!
09) facebook my new alpha addiction
10) missing people.. yes really! i miss you MO, langston, chelle, kotalian/korim, faye, cuzin sarah and dave.. ( and my new poetic heart, perception!!) u still represent a good place and space in my life!
11) looking forward
12) memories
13) a language the angels understand (patient wisdom through prayer)
14. my G.O.D. (good orderly direction) it's soooo good when u listen.
----------------
often i wish for clarity, then recognize it for what it truly is, KNOWLEDGE THROUGH EXPERIENCE.
---------------
god, if i knew all the answers,would i then search for questions?
--------------------

hay algunas empresas mono pasa

2009-03-04T10:30:00.000-08:00

I've got a monkey on my back,
a lion in my heart,
and a frog in my throat.
you, my deadly addiction,
pushing
pumping
poison
through
what was once
my spirit...
while the courageous fire
roars,
my cowardice
stretches
jumps
and cuts
my breaths
choking
wisdom
and words
leaving
me
as quiet
as a mouse.
there is an elephant
in the room
not wanting to be ignored,
aggressively
banging,
breaking,
feelings
we hold dear..
causing my stomach
to churn
black butterflies
to scarlet caterpillars..
love's distant yearning
stubborn as a mule,
holds
steadfast,
lugging
pulling
it's weighted burden.
passion
blind as a bat
can't see past
you,
even in the still of night..
the cat's got my tongue
and the bull's in the china closet,
curiousity has murdered
it's last cat....
to be continued....
_____________***************_____________
i had no earthly idea where that was going.. (LOL)
__________________^^^^^^^^^^^^_____________
Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content. Helen Keller

without saying it....

2009-03-03T08:13:00.000-08:00

sometimes, i wish i knew how to put things together. the right words to express how i feel without saying it. and while i like to think i'm good with words, i know plenty who are a lot better. i used to think i knew how to express myself. i've learned that when it really matters, despite my vocabulary and "charisma" (LOL!!) i fail miserably.

below, an exercise from 6months or so ago. i found it while cleaning my desk top. i've learned there are constants in my writing: blues, purples and reds. shadows. hearts. i want to move away from that, as perhaps i am limiting myself in communication and in my writing style.

Being in Love - "I am stilled in the shadowed image of you, silenced by your beauty. You simply a blue print of past lives birthed in this moment. Simply existing in the existence, searching for memories recaptured in laugh lines with no laughter, footsteps with no steps, heart beats with no beats. Simply there for no reason. Heart wanting what it wants."

-------------------------------

Making Love - "let me lie within your shade, and feel the weight of your leaves as the rustle and cascade atop my nakedness. i feel your cool crisp against my skin. delicate. i hear the soft moans as you arch, bend and sway in the breeze. cover me. cradle me. protect me. i still find pleasure under my elm tree."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunshine – "Night’s nemesis rose half past dawn peering through the darkness. Arms open, stretched across the horizon. Embracing ."

------------------------------

Melting Ice – "Chilled intensity rushing through core, slipping into oblivion. Smoke sneaks through teeth, glides atop tongue, and slips, trips past pout of your lips. Voracious invitations drip insatiably toward the dip in your grin."
---------------------------

while my teeth are looking damn good, my braces have made my lips bigger... talk about free 'efing non-desired or wanted surgery.. i didn't want bigger lips!!! ugh

--------------------------

superwoman if you fly by... i still got you, and am thinking of you.

--------------------------

mary of bethany II

2009-03-02T20:03:00.000-08:00

i was once some one's daughter,
held tightly against protective bosoms,
feed dreams that seem
more than a million miles away...
i have aged laying on my back
traveled rail tracks;
snatched from tribal familiar..
stolen before i ever knew my name.
they tattooed highways and bi-ways,
along my veins,
i human cargo,
modernized slave...
i was once some one's daughter.....

hazey

2009-03-01T07:17:00.000-08:00

i peel our nakedness

from sunset streaked

tears and

egyptian cotton sheets,

hazed purples, reds, and blues..

to reach for the shadowed ghosts

of me and you

and ponder

sweet succulence that drips from

thighs, lips and fingertips...

(it)

cannot mask

the hated joy

of pleasured pain

and heart pangs,

or the weight of legs

and arms,

twined tightly

against

shattered souls.

i know

u know

we know

.....................................

i offer all that i am to all we could become

........................................

often over-rated, sometimes tears are nothing more that ... tears

untitled

2009-02-28T07:13:00.000-08:00

hello,

my name is.....

Overheard....

2009-02-27T11:34:00.000-08:00

Overheard - "absence does not make the heart grow fonder, it only makes the eye wander," female co-worker offering "BAD" advice to another re: her ongoing long distance relationship dilemma.

Because I have an extreme amount of work today, there is no poem.. there is this..

how do i love thee,

let me count the days...

i find u in every moment i breathe...

every second that gives way til tomorrow..

it is your face i see in the space between

my heart's thoughts and it's beats' words...

u are my sun set and moon rise..

my day and night.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Moon meets sun during mid-day rendezvous,
Snow caresses raindrops
I beg my foot steps to betray my quicken heart beats,
And turn to you…
To greet our past moments of happenstance and circumstance,
Peel away the my self annihilation
Strip me of my inhibitions.....

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

If I didn’t know them
my words would stumble,
trip and fall for you
over and over.
again and again.
I taste the hauntingly
familiar,
my body gently quakes
I savor the flavor
That mends my aches
and breaks,
at each and every break of dawn
break in the rain clouds threatening
to drown my blue skies
breaks in crumbled promises made
by those who’d trade
the assurance of lies
for the uncertainty of truth.
you a graciously simple constant
the one I hold dear
cradling my fears,
brushing away tears,
and damn… I wish you were near.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

gimme...

2009-02-26T10:58:00.000-08:00

gimme,
gimme one reason to stop.
turn.
rethink
the beauty that lies
within the
mirrored
pain in
the brown of our eyes.
simply
hope
birthed from
the exploration of
possibilities.
gimme.
gimme one glimmer
of light,
and i will
transform it
to a shooting star
barreling
and burrowing
burning the core
of my
shaken,
not stirred foundation.
drunken
by angered faith
and misguided
love,
always questioning.
gimme.
gimme hope
and i will
learn prayer............
-----#####---------
sometimes i wish for nothing other then an opportunity to wish
-----***--------------
run wildly like freedom and fall courageously like children, eventually the momentum will transform your steps and trips into flight!!!
---------------------

1- a week of understanding
2 - friends
3- distance and space to grow
4 - love
5 - family
6 - phone calls
7 - g.o.d.
9 - long drives
10 - music
11 - a language the angels understand (truth and faith)
12 - a good friend's birthday and her safe return
13 - prayer

prayerful chillaxin'

2009-02-25T09:01:00.000-08:00

Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.
Proverbs 25:15

2009-02-24T12:50:00.000-08:00

nothing........

You greasey one, go take a nap!!!! (LOL)

2009-02-23T09:13:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BORN DAY

Angel L Wilson

aka

SUPER WOMAN!!!!

Happy Birthday to one of the greatest gifts I could receive in this lifetime. Your invaluable friendship!
I know this is probably gonna embarrass the heck out of you, but who cares, right?
Here's the thing! (LOL)
A.L.W. aka Super Woman
you have been the best thing since sliced bread, my ELM and the Wii system. You are as reliable as prayer and I know you are a GODSEND. It's almost like my village picked you personally to make sure my flighty, goofy, wayward butt got things kind of right most of the time. You HAVE ALWAYS BEEN the epitome of friend. And I don't know how to thank you.
Me and the little balled fist one aka "SNACKER" miss you immensely!!! And can't wait for you to return!
Anyway, I know that Gladys, Granny and the PIP are taking good care of you. Selfishly enough, we wish you were here to celebrate with you. Enjoy YOUR DAY. See you soon. And we've never stopped!

Love ya, like cooked food and air conditioning (in other words, life would be pretty hard without you!)
kim