AN OPEN LETTER: To Those Who Know Love Like I Know Love

Darling I want you to listen
I stayed up all night, so I can get this thing right
And I don't think there's anything missing
Cause a person like you, made it easy to do
I've waited for so long, to sing to you this song
Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole
I think the angels are your brothers, yeah
They told you about me, said you're just what she needs
And I find myself thanking your mother
For giving birth to a saint
My spirit flies when I say your name
If there's one thing that's true
It's that I was born to love you
Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole
You make my dreams
Come true over and, over again
And I honestly truly believe
You and me are written in the stars
I live my whole life through
To giving thanks to you
Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole

Amel Larrieux: Make Me Whole from the album Infinite Possibilities

Your picture should accompany this defintion

skulking - to hide or conceal something (as oneself) often out of cowardice or fear or with sinister intent.

another open letter

"i can make it feel as if life started the moment you last blinked. that pause between your last heart beats. gray before the climax of dawn. last looked at me. really looked at me. without the lies you've told your soul. things you've accepted as real, without really accepting me.. i can make it feel brand new. like whispers of heaven from god's lips to angel's ears; in happiness their wings flutter, creating a light brisk feigning an autumn breeze. like morning dew you kiss from mole of neck and small of back... desirous perspiration that does me justice each morning when it's just us.. the love that weighs so heavily upon air, yet effortlessly inhaled.... a fragrant aroma in our midst. misty as the eyes that look toward you for love, love.. i can make it feel as if life started the moment the very last of your pain slipped down your cheeks, before the last breath you took when you thought you could never go on... i, the hand, that comforted and wiped away those tears. i, that next, life sustaining breath. i need you like you need me. i find the very strength in you that eludes and escapes me. i be your fire in darkness and you my cloak in the bitter cold... i am your warmth... you are my cool... your shadow. your shade, filling you in....i can make it feel as life started the moment you last blinked. that pause between your last heart beats. gray before the climax of dawn. last looked at me... and right now, in this moment, i need for you to really look at me and see me, as i see you. everlasting...."

An Open Letter

I don't always get it right, but damn I try. I've made a few mistakes, some of which, I may pay the rest of my life. I'm paying for them proudly, held held high, and on time. Guess, because I am willing to acknowledge them or I am so desperate to get to the other side of my life. My path has had consequences and yielded greater reward. Truly. I've learned in adversity there is still a reward. It is that of character. Strengthening character and resolve.

The thing I work toward most is peace of mind and family. Thank God, I have found a great deal of it. I make mistakes. I realize that separating myself from friends who may associate with people whom I believe don't have my best interest in mind, can be an extreme. I also understand that a consequence of such behavior are hurt feelings as a result of my isolation. It is never my goal or intention to hurt any one's feelings. My behavior is a direct reflection of me, one I believe is protecting me. Please don't take it as an assault against you. Simply a glitch in where I am, and that I am willing to take a look at it, and am willing to work on it as necessary. Understand not having to deal with those people and their issues, even in passing, creates an air of peace that is refreshing. I just don't have to deal with it all.

I want to build upon my growth and successes, and grow old with my Elm, as a family... Yes, the home we've made brings me a great deal of peace, patience, guidance, encouragement, love, and a little hell when I need it. That is my priority. Always. I am not willing to take any one or thing inside my home. Even if it's in my mind. Some may not understand it.. but, if you let a mofo inside your head, they creep into your home. So I don't take on anyone or anything that I am not willing to take home. And it's working. It's working so damn well that I don't know why the hell I didn't ask GOD for this type of freedom earlier in my life.

There is no ill will... simply a desire to be more, do more, follow my path...

thankfully marching into april

01) for the bad ass harlem renaissance collection i got from b... what a welcomed, much needed surprise.
02) for rediscovering so much each and every time i look into your eyes.
03) for sisterly and auntie-like bonds with the fellowship of the wangs...
04) for dreams that lead to actions of achieving, believing and receiving so much more....
05) for him trusting me with his words. can't wait to hear it.
06) for their wedding and them granting me the honor and trusting me with the privilege of participating in a very defining moment of their future.
07) for a chance to spit for the sake of spiting.. it was so cool...
08) for taking a stance and following through with it no matter the consequence or reward.
09) for Nikki Indigo's hee-larity. I so needed it at work today.
10) for my nephew, and the way he still takes time to humor his old ass auntie in game of one on one.
11) for sending me a text and giving me a chance to brighten your day. don't show that picture to no one.... hahahahaha
12) me being the first one my sister called once she got tatted! angel my sister's got the fever!
13) for my niece's sing song voice.. it makes me smile....

bonus... for your call, and our plan... it's gonna be so damn hot!
bonus... for G.O.D. (good orderly direction) the constant guidance and urging to continue this path....

Grandmother and some other thoughts...

I am not sure if it's fatigue or what...

Most know I lost the last matron of my village, my Grand, suddenly, without cause or warning to a massive stroke on 09.11.04. The years following, were in fact, very painful; compelling me, in many ways, to abandon most lessons I learned from her and the fine women who have contributed to my growth. I learned a lot from my grand, who, three of her five children proceeded her in death. Each a little more painful, scarring, and scaring her determination and resolve, vowing not to allow her grandchildren and great grandchildren to follow their self destructive paths. She was tough. She was relentless. She was a warrior. And I must learn to pray for her courage and strength daily.

Perhaps I've conjured her in words or deeds. Not sure. Last night she came to me in a dream. I remember bits and pieces of the dream.

- she seemingly on her death bed. there were bits and pieces of crumpled paper with written poems and stories on a nightstand. she explaining to me about life, and all it's wonder. her telling me something specifically about my heart and the right way to live. then she disappears suddenly one morning. i return to the hospital to see her and she is no where to be found. i remember the nurse saying she was around the corner down stairs with my aunt and cousin. i assumed it was the morgue. but the aunt and cousin the nurse was speaking of were not dead. i remember being very angry. the hospital turns into a hotel of some sort. the nurse gives me a key, with a little box (i think). she said it belonged to my grand and she wanted me to have it. i go out to the parking lot and sit in my car. i am crying, but i don't have the strength or the courage to make it across the parking lot to where she stated grand had been taken. i do however, make my way back into the hospital/hotel, trying to figure out where to park either a motorcycle or a bike. my division manager (YES MY DIVISION MANAGER FROM WORK!) is sitting in his car watching me, as i search for a spot to park my bike. i enter the hospital/hotel a man is exiting elevator doors with his bike and i wonder, out loud, why didn't i bring my bike inside. i go up to my grandmother's room and then... BLANK! NOTHING. NADA. I CAN'T REMEMBER A THING AFTER THAT!

I spoke to that Aunt a week ago. I asked about her son, a cousin who grew up with me as a brother. He has had his own life troubles, but haven't we all. I asked about my other aunt, whom I haven't spoken to since a few days after the funeral. Let's say our last words weren't very friendly! The woman who hasn't had a real job since they invented the word had the unmitigated gall to take all the pictures of my mom stating she would make copies and give them to us. I mean, my sister and I could care less about anything other than those items that gave us a hint or a glimpse of our mother. My grandmother held the key to our mother's photos and other memorabilia and greedy ass aunt took that away from us. So I asked about her out of nothing but respect. My Aunt knew this so she stated I needed to forgive the other one. I can't. That's where I am today. So, I'm thinking perhaps my Grand wants me to forgive her as well. i don't know. The dream has spooked the hell out of me. I've had only one dream that I can really remember about my mother. That too spooked the hell out of me. However, my dreams about my great grand and my favorite aunt don't. I don't know why.

How do you know the changes you've made in your life are the best ones? The choices I've made in the last year:

• eliminating needy people from my life,
• people who aren't the best for me, nor me the best for them,
• minding my own business,
• creating life long friendships as opposed to temporary ones to escape my own pain; and
• just eliminating a lot of the crap I built to escape the hurt and pain from my loss.

These have worked well. I am very happy in the skin I'm in. Happier in my inner personal relationships, as well as my job in all it's dysfunction on it's worst day. I am truly loving my home and what we are building. Perhaps I was missing my Grand. Perhaps there is some message that has been encoded in my brain to be released at just the right moment on the right day. May I was tired. Maybe I was getting past another obstacle in accepting that she's no longer here with me. And I still miss her dearly. and I miss her lessons, her laughter, her smile, her urgings, her love, that was ever present in it's very special way... I don't know.. But I'm hoping if there is a heaven, that's she's there cooking and laughing, looking down on her oldest grand daughter.....

Grand.. I love you..

I Love...

I'm looking at you and thinking; how did we get here... but I know how. The romantic in me wants to think it was something special... It has been, but not without hard work. I'm listening to you talk to him... "we've been waiting at the airport since the day you left." And I am reminded of why I love you.... your wit. your humor. But it's so much more and I know that. I once asked you why you loved me and you said you didn't know why. For a moment it hurt me.. Then you said, "If I had a reason, if that reason went away maybe I wouldn't love you as much.. So I'm happy and satisfied with just the feeling of loving you."
On days like today. it's not that I love you more, it's just the newness of discovering another way, and being reminded of why I fell in love with you in the first place. You're so very right. There is no real reason, just a flutter of my heart, and belief that I wouldn't trade this place, this space in time for nothing else, that I'm enjoying the ride, and thanking God for placing you in my life.... Really...

BTMS - Don't believe the HYPE

Angel and I were talking on the phone and came up with something I laughed about all day today. I would post the meaning, but I may have to say it around some folk... so immakeepittomyself.

I saw Flava Flav in the airport on Wednesday. It was funny as hell.. I was a bit starstruck... I asked him about Delicious, he said she was in the truck. He was chirping someone.. Talk about incogFlavo.. he was wearing his trademark clock, black PE hat, PE Anniversary tour jacket, black jeans, black t-shirt, hell the only thing missing was his grill. I snuck a picture of him on my pic-phone.

Few Poets and I like It Like That

Tyler Perry's play hit us on Wednesday night so there were few poets in the building. Well, let's say there were only TWO for the first 15 minutes of what was suppose to the Show. It turned out to be a DAMN HOT SHOW. A lot of fun, as some more poets fell through. The crowd was def into it. Hoping to have wings with the fellowship of the wings on Friday...

Beaumont Blues....

I've been away for a minute... Getting ready for an audit. Preparing myself for the next step. This week was especially testy... Missed all the concerts I wanted to go to this weekend. Practically worked through Public Enemy and Rakim on Saturday was a no go because of "family time." Missed the fight on Saturday night, because I had to come back into work early on Sunday to be prepared for my flight on Monday. And well, Sunday work, 'cuz I would have felt more like a LOSER working until midnight on a Friday as opposed to 9:00 pm.
I'm on the grind. The upwardly mobile one. I'm climbing the the rungs pretty fast lately, so aside from my professional and personal lives, it's pretty close to impossible to include a social life. I've managed to stay close to my girls and B so I keep it in perspective.
I had to take a team member who is really fun.. but a TOTAL DISTRACTION on the this week's audit.
Monday: he missed the plane and didn't bother to call to inform me. I'm sorry he missed TWO PLANES. Now mind you we have to drive another 100 miles after we land... conversation went something like this:
him: this is ______. (he answers his phone using his last name.)
me: good morning. we're at the rental car office, loading the car and .. (he cuts me off)
him: yes. just go ahead. i will meet you at the provider.
me: really? where are you?
him: at the airport.
me: in houston? we can pick you up at the Southwest curbside attendant. (he cuts me off)
him: no i'm trying to tell you. i missed the flight, so i arranged for a rental car and i will meet up with you guys later?
me: later? how is that possible? that's okay. i'll call the office, and you can report to Austin. we'll work with one less team-member. (i mean his additional needs are a part of my travel budget and that's monitored pretty closely.. so whatdafck?) you do realize it was your responsibility to inform me that you were going to miss your flight? please let ________ know what's happened.
long short. a coworker convinces me to call our manager who upon hearing the info is pretty incensed. she states he needs to join us on the trip. so i call him back. mind you this is within five minutes..

me: alright _____. go ahead and meet us at the provider.
him: the plane took off.
me: excuse me?
him: yea, the plane just took off...
me: how? did you get off the plane?
him: no. i was about to get on and it just left.
me: PREGNANT PAUSE I KNOW HE'S LYING. I'M LOOKING AT THE SCHEDULE.

That was the beginning. Today. long-short. This morning, despite the fact that we had two cars, were walking distance from restaurants, the hotel we were in had breakfast, and the fact that I ASKED DID ANYONE NEED TO GET ANYTHING TO EAT OR DRINK before leaving the hotel, he asks to get something to eat twenty minutes before we are to go into our exit conference. He looks as if he's going to have a heart attack. NO HE DOES HAVE HEART TROUBLE... and we had to rush him back to Houston to catch a plane home. Sorry for the expression, but I wanted to dang near kill him I was just glad to get back to Austin. If I complained anymore about him and this trip it would be criminal.. So I won't.... Poetry tonight.

Thanks...

01) my girl... i think i'm finally learning how to relax and just be....
02) one spectacular set on saturday... good to remember what it felt like to do poetry w/out egos and pretenses...
03) the circle of women that sustain me in life and those who guide me through whispers (my village)...
04) talking to my boy yesterday. he still knows how to make me laugh, think and smile.... and i love him for it all...
05) one wonderful weekend with 3 teenage boys... all of which are capable of becoming strong black men and leaders.
06) 7:45 service.... yes i made it...
07) vicariously pursuing my PhD through you.... I am totally lost in Blin, i can't put it down... however; she says i don't need another reason to think too much and OVER ANALYZE ANOTHER'S THOUGHT. hahahahahaha
08) not giving into the madness.. and yes, it's all madness!
09) a basketball buddy. it felt like old times...
10) a standing on one foot, under an awning, with one ear toward the ground and a finger toward the heavens message... just wanted you to know i was thinking about you.
11) a randomly charged adventure through conversation and internet regarding romantic spots... ugh, you're making me want to go on a honeymoon
12) your reluctance to speak... yes, it's okay.. believe me, i question the necessity in continuing to act as if.. in youth and lesser experiences we take sides.. once you've been burnt enough to be jaded by adulthood you take a stance. i've taken a stance. my stance has nothing to do with you, just where i want to be in MY life. i didn't make your decision(s), you did. it wouldn't be the one i would have made... but.. hey... i'll always be here MINUS the bullshit.
13) G.O.D. every breath, every step toward progress, even if it's one backward or to the side.. you always point me in the right direction.

Special Bonus... recognition of family... blood and ties.

The Dog Whisperer

It's been a minute.. I've been soaking some things in.. Waiting for an opportunity to release them, you know?

things have become increasing hectic at my job. not that the job is bad, i'm just working with some crazy a** black women. it hurts my soul, because i, too, am a black woman. my gosh we sabotage ourselves so. the inability to get along with one another, the inability to like ourselves, in addition, to the inability to be genuinely happy for another sister, hell just another human being, at times is mad crazy and depressing. don't get me wrong, it's women of all colors, but i can only speak from a sister's perspective...

we JUST don't do a good job of recognizing our purpose, prioritizing, focusing on our individual goals, and creating a path toward achieving said goals. PERIOD. there is a piece of pie for everyone , and believe me sisters, we don't all want the same pie, nor the same size slice of pie. believe me. i love key lime. i have found few women who have ordered key lime when there were other flavors available. i liken that to opportunity.... truly.

my grand passed away september 11, 2004. i have missed her every day since her passing. i also realized that in order for me to be a product of the village i love so dearly, i must emulate the mores and norms of that village. once i stopped being angry with g.o.d. about losing her. i could see the positive. once i stopped trying to replace that village... i truly became alive. began to live.

now mind you, i'm not throwing salt or being judgemental.. just stating my truth.

the last year, i have worked diligently at being the woman i am destined to be... surrounding myself with women whom.. i'd truly like to be like, women i can learn from, women who hold secrets to life.... it doesn't matter their age, economics, socialization... the only thing i care about is how they got to this space and place in time, each did so earnestly, sometimes happily, courageously, with determination, humility and pride.....

i say this because i am fortunate to have this sisterhood... and also, because.... well...

the last few days and over the weekend, i've noticed some things that trouble me... doesn't hurt me but trouble me.. as women, how, really, how can we continue to disrespect ourselves. and it's that ongoing disrespect of self that reminds me why i stopped messing around with a couple of them in the first place. reminds me of this sister at work..

i feel sorry for her. she has so much promise, but she's terribly unhappy.. lives in a big ass house ALONE. Can never say she did anything over the weekend other than her yard, and hanging around a woman she can't hardly stand. i think their friends out of needed desperation. if she didn't have her, she probably wouldn't have anyone.

she became angry about some fcking puppies? some puppies.. in all my hateful ways i ain't never took no shit out on no animals and kids...

i mean i got women who won't speak to me to this day on some shit i don't know or care about but i will speak to their kids.. and you can always tell how low down a woman is, 'cuz her kids will take on a different attitude with you... boo, i am and will never be so important that you have to tell your kids not to speak to me... really... share that shit with an adult.

anyway... she got her pressure up because another coworker brought some puppies to work, mind you they weren't mutts.. the woman is an ellen ( like de generes). shit the adult dog had on a fcking pearl collar! she had them locked up in her cubicle area with a bed, a potty mat and some music playing so they would stay calm.. i mean you hardly knew they were there... my female co-worker (the sister) is mean as hell, a sister most don't like (including me 1/2 the month i can't stand her, the other 1/2 she's cool)... anyway she sent an e-mail REPORTING she got bit by some damn ticks... she'd only been in the office five minutes before she became aggravated with the traffic. i mean the little buggers were cute, and people kept coming over to look at them. HELL IT WAS FRIDAY (and you know people don't be trying to work on fridays)

now mind you this is the same woman who believes papadeaux's is really going some where for dinner! which explains why she didn't realize these weren't robitussin dogs (you know hood dogs that don't know nothing about the groomer or vet!) long short the dogs had to be taken to another area after she wrote an e-mail complaining about them.. she compared them to children (WHICH SHE DOES NOT HAVE!) and complained about them one day when another co-worker brought his grand child to work. just anything to be fcked up... so now every one in the office knows she's the one who complained.. blah blah blah... i wish she had good friends. good healthy female friends like mine..

anyway.. i would loan 'em out if she needed them... all but mo! i have to share her enough with tee tee as it is... ha! i don't know, tee tee is kind of funny about her associations, she might not like the chakra (i have no real idea what this is, but i tease her about it all the time) or energy... angel i wouldn't contain her if i could.. she's like a cold, infectious, but even she has her limits... and ebony, well, hell, you can look at her and tell she don't play. with that little balled up fist. hahahahahahahahaha and erica, well she just don't like needy people......

FOR MY GIRL

If I could take your pain away for one second, I wouldn't. It would rob you of the significant lesson that life has placed here for you. The only thing I know to do is to crack adolescent jokes, and hope that my laughter comforts the tears that have settled in the well of your eyes... I know, Boo.. real women don't cry. At least not when others can hear their screams as they fall. But I heard them. They continue to haunt me as I move through the mundane reality of my day. I know. Real women don't cry and they don't ask for help. Or at least the ones who paint themselves untouchable with jumbo black crayons, cutting and slicing boldly through this life on to the next... Translucent are those lines to those who, once like you, used colors to separate herself from others, her current state, her plight, her fears... Using red as rage to keep them at bay. It's better to fear than to be sorry. Purple's majesty to paint a larger than life figure, who questioned her ability and her self, often unable to look her reflection in the eye. Shades of blue, cool for the blues that clouded my happiness. White on white paper to draw the people whom I trusted and could count on. I could ever see them. I didn't want to. I wanted to believe I was alone. No (wo)man is an island. And neither are you. I couldn't say I'd be the woman I am today had it not been for and through your friendship. Really. You stimulate my mind. My heart. My thoughts. My reasons for being and doing. And I know on this day you feel a little lonelier. A little heavier. A little less than yourself. But my job is to remind you of how magnificent you are. And, Boo... You are a Queen. One day, someone worthy will recognize that you are to be comforted, spoiled, adhered to, made an honest woman of.... And I pray that I will be there to see the light of your face, the rise of your cheeks, the squint in your eye when you are cheezy happy.... shrinking violet. I love you. As I love myself. As I love my sister. On this day, when your head feels heavy, look toward the sky... Therein lies your strength, your shine.. And you will recognize that it's not you.. Baby, it's just been that Good Orderly Direction has not brought Mr. Perfect to you......

salama...

big hugs....

thir13teen/e. zora knight

Marching Thankfully

01) G.O.D. Good orderly direction. Even when I don't want to listen or follow.
02) The opportunity to host last week. I DO NOT MISS IT! UGH!
03) My girls (in alpha order!) Angel, Ebony, Mo and Tina. You guys have really been encouraging. And I cannot thank you enough for your honest support. Truly. Mo I cannot wait until the Summer. Ebony and Angel what are we doing about NOLA in April? Jillio! PIL love you much. Didn't forget.
04) The boy child. I really wish I had thought it over when I made a decision not to become a mother. I get so much from him. God definitely knew what he was doing when he placed him in my life. Really.
05) Exercising. Damn I'm... ugh, out of shape.
06) 3 Times by Baybid. I play it every morning....
07) The show on Saturday. I am so excited.
08) The strength and patience, plus encouragement from YOU to get all my tickets cleared up. Yes, I feel a lot better. I'm thinking I could be friends with you forever. REALLY!
09) UIL Boys basketball. I have a date with the boy child and baby hustle on Thursday.
10) Resiliency. I now know what it truly means to bounce back. Well something happened, should not have been a surprise. Caught me off guard. Not really, nothing traumatic, but..... I'm just being a f'ing poet.
11) The text from you. Sorry I was sleep. See number 5!
12) My sister.
13) New projects. New poems.

BONUS: an e-mail I got this week. yes. it was good to hear from you.
XTRA Bonus: the day i felt like SHIT and a stranger told me I was beautiful. (my self esteem is not that low, it did feel good though.)
XXTRA Bonus: Random sightings. I'm glad you were there in case I got arrested. HA! He's growing into a MAN......
XXXTRA Bonus: Cute restaurants and sunshine...