Thanks...

01) the lord of the wings dinner with my girls...
02) growing closer to who i truly want to be.
03) recognizing my self worth and DOING something about it.
04) renewing our bond and ties.... what a great weekend. damn i love you.
05) my work trip to el paso, i love the mountain range....
06) shrimp and fish dinner. i cooked!
07) memorizing new poetry
08) seeing the difference in my body... i'm bringing sexy back. YUP
09) the boy child. reminds me of my youth...
10) G.O.D. good orderly direction and the difference it makes.
11) being never too old to learn. thanks for the lessons people.
12) my text book.. thanks angel.
13) talking to my boy yesterday.

extra bonus.... deepening and strengthening my my faith and resolve. the difference it has made in my life and friendships. for the first time in my life, in a very long time, i believe i am truly surrounded by wisdom, love, and people whom i truly respect and receive the same in turn... I truly love you.

AND YES COPA I MC SERCH! THOUGHT HE WAS Hellacute. LOVED HIS CURLY HAIR, GLASSES AND CROOKED GIN.... I was young

Get Familiar... Hallelujah Holla Back

Hallelujah Holla Back... Get Familiar... Finally.. John Brown gets smashed. Dude... Shamrock won! i never really doubted between the two. You know. Funny back in the day, I had a mad crush on Serch.. .. The Gas Face... and ugh, wasn't it funny when John Brown pushed the devil's can away from him?
Yup!!!!!

MY SUPER HUMAN PH'd ANGEL!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANGEL!!!!!!

fallen superwoman (revisited)

she doesn't know that I see her the way

she really wants to be seen;

feel her the way she really wants to be felt;

love her the way she really wants to be loved

like I love my sisters,

like I love myself....

unconditionally conditionally...

wanting all that's best

despite our missteps

and frailties,

yet

she wears victoria's secret like a masked marvel,

leaping buildings not yet constructed..

boundless(ly)

she wears explicit prose draped ' round stiff collars

and fights demons lurking

in her shadowed

(seemingly)

controlled movements..

she veiled in family secrets

real and imagined

not realizing she does more harm to self

than any evil villain.

I wish I could write her wrongs

color her in hues long abandoned in her youth...

she learned heroes aren't people or sandwiches;

just bullshit caught 'tween wonder bread and miracle whip.

and she simply a miraculous wonder

whips wishes and remains.

she a healthy reminder for the family

to do and be more than what falls

between the cracks in ghetto sidewalks

colored in the shade of decayed blood

spilled by those before her.

that basic color of death

could never capture her or contain her dreams

which bleed past familial lines.

there is no color for invincible..

so she uses strong blacks to paint

the woman she wants to be

(and) wants everyone to see.

transparent to me

so she waits for a poem

that she doesn't want to be written,

and prays for the self redemption

that lies hidden

behind the tattooed angel

below her breast.

see, she doesn't know her strength

or power;

she doesn't know

in success or failure,

that in voice and breath

she'll always be

a superhero to me.

kdtaylor, 2006

section 8 coffee publishing

all rights reserved

Hard week...

It's been a rough week.
I am just grateful to be alive....
grateful to my friends.
grateful to my family.
grateful for the strength to take a breath.
grateful because i now with G.O.D. (good orderly direction) i would be someplace else.
grateful for the strength to not feel too sorry for myself.
grateful for weeks like this in which to learn about me....
grateful for a healthy outlet.
just grateful despite how i feel inside.

not a lot

School for Scoundrels... HEE-LARIOUS
The Departed.... Truly gangsta....

Happy Birthday, Jackie.

My mind..

The last few days have got me thinking.... I am in a very strange place, emotionally and mentally. There is a huge part of me that is fighting a mild level of depression. I can think of many things that as of late are contributing to my state of heart and mind. I am at a place in my life, either age or desire, I want a bit more. More from my job. More from my life. More from my home. More from my relationships. More from my thoughts. Just more. There seems to be a void of sorts, and I am becoming restless. Very restless.

The question haunts me... "Is this it? Is there more? And how can I get some?"

Don't get me wrong, my life's not bad. It's quenching, I'm not dying of thirst or anything. Just, as I begin to work through my self destructive patterns, I wonder.. After I get to the other side, will it be continuous bliss? Am sure it's not, but...

Oh well...

Thursday

Valentine's day came and went. Prolly still not one of my favorite holidays.

I remember when I was single, it sucked. The only time of year when you knew you were TRULY ALONE (without a partner). And to add insult to injury, you needed to be very careful with whom you went out with on that day as not to send the wrong message.

Valentine's day in coupledom, well. Prolly still not one of my favorite holidays.

Just the pressure to get the person what they wanted, but not going overboard. Then praying that what you did was enough. Secretly you're hoping that the person would go all out for you. Praying that if they didn't, it wasn't a sign that they cared any less of you.

Put it this way. Do you fell any more or less loved today than yesterday?

Heartfelt Thanks....

01) For the Fellowship of the Wings... Yes I like! and laughed my butt off (well a little of it off) when I read it.
02) For my god son saying "he wanted me to help him get a valentine's day card!" Going with him to find one, and buying his friend who happens to be a girl, some candy and a teddy bear. (He said constantly while we were shopping, "No, Kim she's not my girlfriend.)
03) For a lunch date and car ride with my best guy friend. Damn it felt like old times.
04) For talking to my life long friend Adrienne, wishing her a Happy Birthday. We've known each other since I was in the 7th grade.
05) For a pretty damn good home-made valentine's day card/present.
06) For the creator, for assisting me and guiding me to become the woman I am suppose to be.

The last 7 thanks are more a desire or hope for others...

07) That you win the slam this weekend. I will be there in spirit.
08) That all my single girl and guy friends embrace the lover within... He or she can teach others to love you as you truly need to be loved, because they are truly amazing. (No, I want that for all my friends.)
09) That you get what you truly deserve.
10) That even though she hurts, believe me she will hurt more without. Converse.. keep your head up!
11) That you look in the mirror and see that you are not just an image, but a reflection of GOD. (Good Orderly Direction).
12) That my work friend emerges from surgery stronger than she was before.
13) Love, in any form, for all to witness on this day.

Salama

LIFELONG FRIENDSHIP!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADRIENNE.... You don't look a day over twelve....

2.11.05

Chemistry was crazy from the get go.. Neither one of us knew why...

I wish I was perfect. I could re-write all my wrongs, and create a a fairy tale. The one with you and me, happily ever after, no pain, no hurt, no let downs, no frowns. But that's simply not what life is or about...

I know we started before this date, but this was the date, that I truly recognized how I felt about you. And from that moment forward I could not stand the thought of spending another moment without thinking of you or being in your company. That of course has changed, but it's changed with maturity. I mean at some point we had to stop calling into work on Monday morning, just so that the date that started on Friday would never end. Remember the time it didn't end until Wednesday? I do. We lost a lot of vacation and sick days didn't we? I still think of those days and smile.

I remember the day I fell in love with you, but I was too afraid to say it. It was a Tuesday. A rainy Tuesday. I was suppose to be doing something else, but all I wanted to do was talk to you. I wanted to see you, but didn't know how to ask. So I talked about everything and everything, and anything.. Often making up stuff to fill the silence, (but you know that now), just to show you how witty and quick I was.. oops, still am. But I'm not perfect. I want to be.

I want to remember it all, good, bad and indifferent, just to make sure I don't miss an opportunity to learn... How to make you happy, how to cheer you up, how to correct myself before I mess up... I just want to. Really.

I don't know what I can say that won't cause you much embarrassment. I do want to say.. thanks... thank you for being my shade tree.. even when I'm not perfect... But I'm trying to be.

Catchin up...

Let's see.. alot has happened since the last time I've blogged. Most good of course. Well, maybe not, but it's all in perspective...

Let's see. I am still reeling about my birthday celebration. It was prolly one of my all time favorite celebrations. To show my thanks, I had special t-shirts made. I m embracing the love that has been shown to me by many.

Being raised by women doesn't make you anymore a woman, than being raised by a man. Being raised in a single parent, female headed household I learned early. I think around the time I started my period, that I was not the woman of the house, nor was I going to be. I have had friends who's mother believed a boyfriend, or step father over their daughter and what appeared to be "unhealthy communication and advances". Mothers who are inappropriate with the daughter's male friends. Mine was simply, I wasn't running anything but my mouth, not even the shoes I had on my feet, because I didn't buy them. Matter of fact, that idea of competition that stems from being the WOMAN of the house, harbors, creates, and fuels a sense of rivalry among women. You take that insecurity outside the home. How often do we hear women say, "I can't do women." Taking those unhealthy, and pretty damn destructive thoughts into the world and adult relationships with women. When in essence, she's really saying, "I can't do me." Mind you, there is a difference.

There is difficulty in accepting our past, re-wiring some of the circuits and instrumenting change. It has to start with our mind set. I have strayed in and out of the poisonous thinking regarding women and my sense of self. However, I have since surrounded myself with women who don't have time for the competition of who's who, who does she think she is, she ain't better than me, she better recognize, and on and on and on.. It's useless. It's futile. And we recognize it for what it is insecurity that has absolutely nothing to do with US.

My ELM, asked a particular group of women to share in my birthday celebration. Ones, whom in the privacy of our home, I've discussed the following topics which were synonymous with their names: respect, loyalty, a desire to be more, a desire to do more, a strong sense of self, intelligent, brave.... All of whom, somehow, became a part of a very special birthday tribute in one way or another. Even if it was in the heart (Brooklyn!). And from there came my idea...

See the slogan on the side.. "If you're dissing the sisters..." Well, I had thank you t-shirts made for each of them. And to see their faces as I gave it to them, and thanked them for helping me see yet another side of what we can do when we are being our natural loving and nurturing selves. I didn't care if the poem they spit was old, new, or something written especially for the occasion, what I cared about was the willingness and desire to do it AND KNOW IN THEIR HEART OF HEARTS THAT I WOULD APPRECIATE THEIR GIFT. I truly did and continue to do so. It's something I carry daily in my heart. For real.

The other was having an opportunity to hang with my man.. It was rejuvenating. Finding the space that we share and just being there. It was beautiful. Really.

And it's just those things. Those things that have made the last few difficult days, so worth while. I could reflect, have something to fall back on... And to top it off....!!!!

I had an opportunity to vibe with three of the FOUR whom make it this journey so great. I had lunch and movie afternoon with Eb and Angel. Norbit wasn't great, but the fried pickles and conversation was. And really that's all I needed to chase my blues away. And talking to Magnolia Sunshine was so much like that.. Sunshine on a pretty cold, and seemingly lousy day. I love you guys so much. I really do...

See, there really doesn't appear to be a need to talk about what was wrong, becuase reflecting on all that was right, made it all worthwhile.... holla

Grateful.. despite and in spite...

This past week has been a series of close calls, situations which have tested my faith and resolve. Thankfully, no one was cursed the hell out... and in some ways, I maintained a level of sanity and dignity in some awful situations....

01) for not cursing your bitch ass the hell out after you walked up to me last week at poetry with some negative bullshit.
02) for not going ape shit left on my sister for her poor dating habits which prevented me from doing all the things I wanted this weekend.
03) for not slapping the hell out the woman in my cubicle ( from here forward known as WIMC) who DEMANDS that everyone be quiet all the damn time..
04) for not pouring hot ass coffee all over WIMC after she intimated (via cursing) that my co-worker and good friend was leaving because of something I said.
*Sidebar - She's been offered three jobs since she's been here. WIMC is very difficult to work in the same room with, I couldn't imagine her as a boss. She is extremely moody and gets confused easily. It drives my coworker crazy. Aside from that we have a kind of crazy woman whom I'll refer to as NUTZO in our Department. For the last six months she has been compiling information for a law suit. Every one wants to quit to get away from the situation. So, yes we discussed the open records request made by NUTZO, as it impacts both of us! I mean NUTZO's over here threatening every body; has mild fits where she curses out loud, has shown darn near everybody in our section everyone's salaries, is threatening law suits against anyone who does not support her, making open records requests, and scaring the shit out of everyone because most believe she will go postal in here one afternoon! WHEW!
05) for not jamming WIMC's ass up in the corner after my co-worker friend later resended her resignation AFTER TALKING TO ME...
06) There was some positive in my week.
07) One cool Superbowl party
08) Spending a brief, but cool time with my niece.
09) My nephew putting it down Saturday afternoon, playing his butt off, making crucial plays and baskets in a double overtime win...
10) Performing at HT last night. We performed between classical work by Black composers. Mine... Samuel Coolridge Taylor... A TAYLOR!
11) Seeing that my words do have a positive impact upon people, and I must continue to use them wisely.
12) Evidence of the creator through good friends.
13) Being made an honorary Francis! Yes, he's just that swift...

Whatta.....

This weekend has been one filled with emotion. Cleansing, purging, grappling, accepting, growing.
I was asked to write a poem for my best guy friend's brother's funeral last September. I posted previously how humbled I was for their belief that I could write their/our beloved brother's life and legacy in a poem. The pen moved, and I promise Tweet was right there whispering in my ear, broad smile and all when it was completed. I felt he and I did a wonderful job... but, I really didn't internalize what a job he and I had done, until the memorable looks upon their face while Trey and I performed it, the "he's that swift" tattoos. And now, man, I was almost moved to tears on Saturday, when I saw our words blazed upon a bench facing his headstone, I was floored, that he and I, found the words to bring the family solace in their time of loss... I also became an honorary Francis. Certificate and all. B's dad, Trap, held it down with the greens and green beans, it was a feast of feasts. Played some bones, trashed talked (within reason as B's mom was pretty close by most of the time), and head home full of food and emotion. I can say life comes at you fast, and you have to learn to hold on to moments which can be personally defining and altering. The process with Tweet, and all he's touched, had a re-motivating factor in my life. Forced me to kick some things into gear, and now, as I look at my newly formed relationship with others I am so glad I made the choices I have. It feels good to be on the other side of some things, and at the tipping point with others. Emotionally, I am solid, most days. On occasion I have my little melt down, where I don't feel as if...... However, I work diligently on not allowing others or my relationships with others to define me. As lonely as it may sound, you are all you really have in this world, other's just make it easier or difficult. That's all... The rest of the weekend was good, except....
A series of events which to this moment cannot quite be described rationally. Issues with my sister... so, i missed out on the production I vowed to re-attend, among other things. My sister has no respect for my time, which of course came to a head, three hours before the Superbowl party. When, it became obvious she had no respect for me or my time.... another story another day.
Superbowl.. can you say "boring"? But the party was fab! Thanks to all who could attend. It was pretty cool. I want a chocolate Stassney Barbie for Kwanzaa.. hahahahahaha
Thanks Brooklyn for calling me... All's well that ends well. I'm not going to sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff. Wouldn't you agree?

A LITTLE RANT...

*DISCLAIMER - you can read this so it's not about you......
It never ceases to amaze me. It's truly, and sadly pitifully amazing how people will often test the level of and later try to steal your happiness. Last night was an amazing night of poetry, despite a pathetically desperate attempt to create drama. Let me start from a good point...
Weary from now, what would be five of six weeks, of business travel. Now, most people would believe a job traveling (I'm not a flight attendant) is like... oh my gosh... something extravagant. Alas, it can be. However, spending three nights of the week away from home, never being able to unpack a suitcase in it's entirety, is not crazy, but insane. Imagine, going "home" every night to a place that's not yours, coupled with, in some cases, not knowing "what type of home" you'd be coming home to. Eating every meal out! I could go on and on.. But I won't.
This week's trip was exceptionally stressful, as I didn't sleep much this weekend. After three and 1/2 hours I had to take a 6:30 am flight to Dallas (only to drive 2 1/2 hours to Longview). Which made my first day a 17 hour day. 4:00 am through 7:00 pm. A 12 hour day the following. And on Wednesday it was sleeting on the way back from Longview to Dallas. Now mind you I hate driving my car in the rain, now I'm driving a rental in sleet and snow with close to below freezing temperatures. I have to eat a Pappadeaux's (AGAIN! my co-worker's favorite, which I am totally sick of.) My co-worker and I were separated, as I erroneously mixed the flight times and numbers, so we returned home on different flights.. (BOY WAS SHE PISSED, EVEN AFTER I OFFERED TO TAKE THE LATER FLIGHT BACK WITH HER!)
Got into Austin, went to work as I had things to complete before this morning... Went to workout.. Yes Ebony, I worked out! Took a quick shower and headed out to poetry...
Now, it was a surprise to see some folk there, I'm not going to lie. However, there is no negative connotation in the word surprise. I was glad to see them. Hoping I would hear something new.. Mind you, I am never really truly concerned about who's there unless I invited you out to meet me, so another's absence is no importance to me.. Because I don't want my absence to be perceived as anything other then I had something to do. Upon my arrival, I greet a few people... was asked a few questions.. Hum, err, we like each other, and roll together, but not that tough.. remember they are students and I travel for a living and don't always have the luxury of coming back by Wednesday. Our decisions are not made in unison, or some plot.. But of course you guys know that... Remember earlier when I said I don't my absence blown out of proportion? Anyway, what came next was an utter surprise....
I was approached by someone who will remain nameless.... Now, I don't want to think the person had an ulterior motive, but, it looked like shit, felt like shit, reeked like shit. So it didn't feel good. PERIOD. I politely stated I had a very long day (the person isn't close enough to me to know my schedule), was feeling a little tired, you know, all in all doing well. Well, it went on to somehow implying something totally different. Nancy Drew would call it guilt. My girls from Brooklyn would call it messy, and would cement their idea about certain people in the venue. I smiled as politely as I could in the moment. Restated that I was tired, and had no idea what (s)he was talking about.
Which brings me to the following rhetorical questions, 'cause I don't want answers. It's not that important. But hell... Why can't I be tired? Five days with less than five hours sleep each night can effect the average person. Why can't I be social in a social setting? Why can't I be genuinely happy? Why can't I be happy for other people? Why can't I just not give a damn about anything that does not impact me directly. And abso-fcking-lutely nothing in that venue impacts my health, my wealth, and now my well being. I have friends who go there, but we are social outside of that setting... Ya know? Why can't people who claim to know so much about me begin to realize they never knew me at all? Why must people search for shit outside their skin, especially when their shit smells far worse than others. I love poetry, I love the venue, but damn, some people need lives.. On the real. It's shit like that that makes people not want to come. Including me. People! Stop looking for drama or trying to create a sub-plot when there is none.
Believe me, I will not be starring or making any guest appearances in another's drama. There's only one film I'm interested in, and it's doing well at the box office.
Sorry you didn't get a dose of, "As the mofo'ing poets turn.."

holla....